Monthly Archives: September 2016

Sep 04 2016
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The Illiad Rebooted

The Illiad Rebooted – Chapter 1

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There has never been, nor will there ever be, a woman as beautiful as Helen of Sparta.

I’m totally serious, you guys. One look at that foxy mama and it was all Boner City: Population You.

I’m talking an enchanting face that you could stare at for hours, eyes you could get lost in, long luxurious blonde hair you’d kill just to touch its sublime softness and those tittays?

Don’t even get me started about those tittays. There were like two giant, perky chest rockets standing at attention.

No joke, I’m Homer, the greatest poet in all of Ancient Greece and it was all that even a scholar such as I could do to keep myself from dreaming about motor boating those puppies all day long.

“Vrrooom vrrroooom ung nung nung nung nah!”

But I digress. Given Helen’s epic splooge inducing hotness, it was no surprise that those crusty old fucks Theseus and Peirithous, the kings of Athens and Larissa, respectively, kidnapped our beloved Helen and took her back to a dank, dark undisclosed lair.

“Come, Peirithous!” Theseus did say as he dropped his robe to the floor to reveal his oily hide. “Let us put our super wrinkly, disgustingly gray pubic hair infested nut sacks on full display!”

“Yes,” Peirithous did reply. “For we are very, very old and I do not know about you, my good friend Theseus, but I would surely enjoy having my way with the most beautiful woman in the world before I drop dead from a heart attack or ass cancer or some other bullshit disease that we are susceptible to for as you are no doubt aware, we are both ridiculously old!”

And so, Helen did cringe and cry and bemoan her fate as two lecherous, old, decrepit and dilapidated perverts closed in upon her. As they did so, both men held out their hands, opening and shutting them in the internationally understood “I want to honk some hooters” sign that men of poor moral character are known to engage in when approaching a woman with a copious bosom.

“Oh cruel fate!” Helen shouted. “Surely I am not doomed to be accosted by two crusty old fucks with super wrinkly balls, am I?”

At that precise moment, the business end of a sharp sword tore its way through Theseus’s belly, spritzing the lair with a thick douse of crimson red blood. A second blade made short work of Peirithous’s gut in similar fashion.

Both of the crusty old fucks fell to the floor, gyrating and convulsing. It was a horrific yet hilarious sight. If only video technology had been invented at the time. That shit would have gone viral on GreekTube.

The swords belonged to two young warriors, fair haired lads with chiseled jaws and rippling physiques.

“Brothers!” Helen said with glee as she hugged her rescuers.

“What treachery is this?” cried the crusty old fuck Theseus as his blood drained out into the dirt.

“Egads!” hollered the crusty old fuck Peirithous, “’Tis the Dioscuri! Castor and Pollux making with a cock block most foul!”

“Fi on thee, Dioscuri!” Theseus said. “Hast thou not heard of the ancient law known as, ‘bros before hoes?’”

“We have,” Castor said.

“But it pales in comparison to the law of ‘sisters before misters,’” Pollux added.

“Ha, ha!” Helen laughed as she looked down upon the geezers. “Enjoy your most deserved deaths, crusty old fucks!”

“Uncool, Helen,” Castor said.

“Indeed,” Pollux said. “They’re already dying and…they’re dead. Yes. Its official. The crusty old fucks are dead now.”

“And not a moment too soon,” Helen said. “Couldn’t you boys have saved me sooner? I was unacceptably close to having to touch their wrinkly balls.”

“We do have lives, Helen,” Castor said.

“Right,” Pollux said. “We do our best.”

“I know you do,” Helen said as she pecked each brother on the cheek. “Now come! We must return to father immediately. He shall be very worried I’m sure of it.”

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Sep 04 2016
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The Illiad Rebooted

The Illiad Rebooted – First Meeting Transcript

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The following is the transcript of the first production meeting held between Homer, legendary ancient poet of Greece, and Bookshelf Q. Battler, proprietor of a website with 3.5 readers.

Homer:

Sir, while I appreciate the lengths your diminutive friend, the odd looking short being your refer to as “Alien Jones,” took to restore me back to life, I must protest the absurd changes you have made to my seminal work, The Illiad.

You took my most eloquently selected words, hacked them to pieces, and replaced them with profanity, vulgarity, and worse, references to the so-called pop culture of your time that those from my time would nary understand.

You are a charlatan and I demand that you cancel the publication of this work entirely.

BQB:

Homie…bubie…baby…are you kidding me? You’re kidding me, right?

Look, you’ve been stone cold dead since before Jesus was born. I appreciate you are history’s most accomplished poet but with all due respect, no one wants to learn shit about the past anymore.

Readers want T, A, and TNT. Its all about the TANT, baby. Titties + Ass + Explosive Action = peeps buy the shit out of this book and Jeff Bezos flies one of his funky ass drones over to drop off a fat ass check, son.

Homer:

Well, as long as its fat…

BQB:

You know it, Home Slice. Look, Hollywood’s already filmed all of the original ideas twice, even three or four times in some cases. Sequels and reboots are the name of the game now.

Homer:

What is a reboot?

BQB:

Its like a do-over. The Illiad is the same old bland tuna casserole people have been served for centuries now.  In order to sell people the same thing they’ve bought before, we need to add a little spice, a little razzle dazzle.

Homer:

It’s the razzle dazzle that worries me.

BQB:

Will you stop? Just go put your feet up, take a nap, use that sweet fifty dollar advance I gave you to score some babes and I’ll take care of the rest.

Homer:

I have your word that additional profits will be forthcoming?

BQB:

Of course. Fifty bucks a year from now on. You will be rolling in portraits of Ulysses S. Grant.

Homer:

You are too kind sir. Fifty dollars continues to remain an exorbitant sum of money in your time?

BQB:

It’ll get you fifty trips to the main stage at a nudey bar or approximately twenty-five candy bars, take your pick. That’s more than most writers get these days.

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Sep 04 2016
3 Comments
Tomfoolery

Who Wins a Fight Between…

…a unicorn and a shark?

…a cornered honey badger and a zombie?

…a werewolf and a direwolf?

…a ninja and a guy that just works out a lot?

…your mother or your mother-in-law?

…a pegasus and a weasel?

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Sep 03 2016
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The Illiad Rebooted

The Illiad Rebooted – About the Authors/Project

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About the Authors

Homer

Long before Cher, Sting, or Sia, there was Homer, the first artist to rock the “I only have one name” style. Scholars disagree on when exactly this accomplished scribe was born, but best guesses put his life somewhere between 800-700 B.C. (That’s eight hundred years before Christ and therefore a long ass time ago.)

Homer is the author of two bestsellers:

  • The Illiad – a chronicle of the siege of Troy, which began as a result of a dispute between Greek and Trojan forces over which one of their leaders had the best claim to the cooter belonging to the Grecian beauty Helen, first of Sparta and later of Troy, or simply “Helen of Troy” as she is typically remembered.
  • The Odyssey – the story of the warrior Odysseus’ adventure filled journey from Troy back to his home in Ithaca after the conclusion of the Trojan War.  During this voyage, Odysseus encounters nymphs, cannibals, and monsters until he finally arrives home and gruesomely murders all the dudes hanging around his house attempting to get all up in his wife’s lady business because they assume he was killed by Trojans and thus his wife’s snootch is up for grabs.

Nope. No lie here. That’s totally what this is about and your English teacher was a total perv for assigning it to you all those years ago. Then again, you would have known that if you had read it but you didn’t and FYI your parents were only being nice when they told you “a C minus is better than nothing, dear.” In truth, they were very, very disappointed in you and still are to this very day.

Bookshelf Q. Battler

Bookshelf Q. Battler (or BQB) was born in the late 1970s as God’s response to the terrible malaise that President Jimmy Carter warned was encompassing the nation.  Mr. Battler popped out of his mother’s womb, surprised hospital staff by shouting, “Cheer up, muttafuckas!” then never spoke another word until 1984 when he felt the need to praise the original Terminator film.

Though by all accounts, Mr. Battler was the dopest of all late 1970s babies, he didn’t fully shine until he became the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers in 2014.

If you would like to be one of Mr. Battler’s 3.5 readers, you are more than welcome to visit. BQB’s blog, “Bookshelf Battle” can be found at bookshelfbattle.com

There you will find a chronicle of Mr. Battler’s life and times as a world renowned poindexter, epic nerdventurer, reviewer of pop cultural happenings, champion yeti fighter and magic bookshelf caretaker.

Mr. Battler does not like to brag but he maintains that he is more accomplished than Homer. While Homer may have written two bestsellers that were drawing in readers long before Jesus was born, Mr. Battler’s blog does steadily attract the attention of 3.5 readers, which is no small feat in this day and age where every schmuck in the universe has their own blog. In fact, in the time it took you to read this one paragraph, an estimated 5,298 blogs were just started and most of them are terrible.

About this Project

Believing it to be “total bullshit” that Homer never saw dime one of the sweet, sticky cash produced by the thousands and thousands (possibly even millions) of high school and college English students who have been forced to purchase copies of The Illiad and pretend that they knew what the hell was going on during class over the years, Mr. Battler has taken it upon himself to reboot one of the most lauded books in Western history for fun and profit (mostly profit.)

To that end, Mr. Battler dispatched his trusty little green sidekick, Alien Jones, to locate Homer’s tomb and resurrect him using top secret, highly classified alien technology. An agreement with the U.S. government prevents Mr. Battler from publicly sharing the specifics of this technology, but rumor has it that it involves ground cumin, a swizzle stick that can be found at any reputable coffee shop, and 9,000,000 AA batteries held together with duct tape, super glue, and most importantly, love.

Initially, Homer had some difficulty adjusting to the modern world. However, due to his scholarly nature, he was quickly able to learn and adapt, though duck face selfies, social media posts about what people eat for lunch and the continued existence of Kristen Stewart’s acting career baffle him to no end.

Mr. Battler and Homer met regularly throughout late 2016 into early 2017 to reboot Homer’s Illiad. Homer was reluctant at first, but once Mr. Battler plopped down a fifty dollar signing bonus, Homer wasn’t able to refuse.

Oh and FYI if you happen to see Homer walking down the strip, you need to do Mr. Battler a solid and pretend like fifty bucks is an astounding, life altering amount of money.

Mr. Battler thanks you in advance.

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Sep 03 2016
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The Illiad Rebooted

The Illiad Rebooted Challenge

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Hello 3.5 readers.

Thank you, as always, for reading.

Without you, I would just be an asshole typing out random garbage into the inter webs for no apparent reason.

THE PREMISE:

Alien Jones has used undisclosed alien technology to revive Homer, the legendary poet of ancient Greece and author of The Illiad, that boring as shit book that your college English professor probably made you read.

Homer and I are collaborating on an Illiad reboot.  That’s right. Hollywood has refused to produce anything original for years now, so why can’t Home Slice and I cash in on this trend?

THE CHALLENGE:

The Illiad will be rebooted by January 1, 2016!

So sit back, relax and enjoy as Homer and I bring you, The Illiad Rebooted.

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Sep 03 2016
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East Randomtown News

East Randomtown Mayor’s Race – Issue #1 – Zombie Flesh Eating Iguanas

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Zombie Flesh Eating Iguanas: Friend or Foe?

Soon, it will be one year since the outbreak of a massive zombie apocalypse that engrossed East Randomtown.

The zombies are long gone in spirit but their flesh remains.  Boy howdy, do they remain because literally every surface in town is covered with zombie guts.

Cleanup efforts have been underway for quite some time, but they have barely scratched the surface.

Shortly after the zombie apocalypse concluded, scores of wild zombie flesh eating iguanas descended upon East Randomtown.  They’ve become a nuisance, almost like squirrels with scales.

But as it turns out, iguanas love the taste of zombie meat.

QUESTION: SHOULD THE ZOMBIE FLESH EATING IGUANAS BE ALLOWED TO STAY IN EAST RANDOMTOWN?

Mayoral candidates Bookshelf Q. Battler, proprietor of a website with 3.5 readers and Leo McKoy, the man who once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, have the floor.

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Acting Mayor Battler

Thank you. As acting mayor, allow me to say that the zombie flesh eating iguanas are a welcome addition to our community.

Sure, they scurry around our feet and get in the way but the important thing to remember is that they are helping us get rid of the zombie carcasses that litter our town.

I don’t want to clean up all those zombie bodies. You don’t want to clean up those zombie bodies. If our little green friends are willing to eat the zombie bodies, then what’s the big deal?

Frankly, these zombie flesh eating iguanas are just eating the zombie flesh that East Randomtown’s current small animal population can’t be bothered to eat.

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Mayoral Candidate McKoy

Battler, the last two brain cells in your stupid head need to hump and produce some more brain cells quick lest their entire kind go extinct, because what you just said was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

Who are these zombie flesh eating iguanas? What are they doing here? What do they want?

Has anyone ever bothered to ask them? Perhaps their long term goal is to eat us. Any of you yahoos ever stop and think of that?

When these iguanas are done eating all the dead zombie flesh, will they move along or will they become wards of the state that hard working tax paying Americans will have to support once the last bit of zombie flesh has been consumed?

What about East Randomtown’s squirrels?  What about our rats?  Mice? What about our pigeons?

What about our many, many trash animals have been scurrying about our streets aimlessly in search of opportunity?

Shouldn’t our own rodents get first dibs on all that zombie flesh before we start importing thousands and thousands of iguanas?

I can’t count the number of poor, downtrodden, starving badgers I’ve spoken to on the campaign trail who tell me that they can’t get a fair chance at a chunk of leftover zombie flesh because its all being scooped up by dastardly out of town iguanas from God only knows where.

Further, how do we know that consuming zombie flesh is good for anyone?  I’m no scientist, but it would seem to me that allowing iguanas to consume zombie flesh might very well turn those iguanas into a new species of rabid, man eating zombie iguanas.

Better safe than sorry, I always say. Tell those little green piles of puke to move on to the next town because we’ve got enough problems as it is.

There you have it, 3.5 readers. The candidates have sounded off on the very important iguana issue.  Who do you side with?  BQB or Leo McKoy?

Discuss in the comments.

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Sep 03 2016
5 Comments
Social Media

Is YouTube Over? ( Or, #YouTubeIsOverParty )

Hey 3.5 readers.

Happy Saturday.

So there’s been some talk on the ole inter webs this week that “YouTube is Over.”

Specifically, YouTube has set down some rules that affect the “monetization” of YouTube videos, or in other words, cut into the dough that popular YouTubers make via their YouTubery.

Honestly, I have a face for podcasting and a voice for blogging, so YouTubing is something I don’t forsee myself ever getting into.  Ergo, I’m not sure how it all works vis a vis the money but I assume YouTubers get a cut of the money their videos make when ads are shown before their videos.)

Admittedly, I could be explaining that all wrong. If you know more, fill me in.

At any rate, YouTube has laid down some new rules that YouTubers must follow in order for their videos to be considered “advertiser friendly” and therefore be deemed worthy of monetization i.e. profit for the YouTuber.

YouTuber Phillip DeFranco posted an extensive video about the situation:

The new rules are thus:

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So, as I look above, my gut reaction is “OK, these situations could be problematic…but…what about context?”

  • Sexually Suggestive Content – Eh…I mean no, we don’t want YouTube to be turned into a porn repository but sometimes YouTubers post funny videos about sex, or talk about sexual issues or give advice about sex.  Pretty much every song – pop, rap or otherwise is about sex so their accompanying music videos will be about sex.
  • Violence – In many ways, this is a no brainer. We don’t want YouTube to become online fight club no more than we want it to be a porn depot.  So no, no one should be bonking someone in the head and then posting it.  And obviously regarding violent extremism we don’t want extremists using YouTube to peddle their evil deeds. But what if a YouTuber is reviewing a violent film?  Some YouTubers even produce and put out their own web TV shows that may include fictional violence.
  • Inappropriate language – I get it.  Bad language = bad.  Directed at another person = bad. Used in the context of a joke – could be funny.
  • Drugs – No, we don’t need the youth of the world to be able to go onto YouTube and find videos about how to roll a joint or what have you…but what if someone is mentioning drugs in a joking “Cheech and Chong” like manner?

So here’s the thing.  Sex, violence, bad language and drugs. I get it. These are issues advertisers don’t want to be associated with.

But I could see how there could be a context issue that makes people worry…i.e. YouTubers may be concerned that they might be left in limbo if their videos discuss these issues without necessarily stating that these activities are cool or good or whatever.

And a further concern raised in the Twittosphere has been will there might be selective enforcement.  (i.e. if the average schmuck YouTuber isn’t getting any money for his video that mentions sex and drugs then fairness dictates that popular music videos that mention sex and drugs also not get monetized).

But ok. Devil’s advocate.  Advertisers of toothpaste, cars, candy, whatever don’t want to be associated with your YouTube video if these rules aren’t followed.  OK.  No more sex, drugs, violence and bad language in my YouTube videos and problem solved, right?

Well, check out the last rule.  While the other ones seem to have an issue with context:

“Controversial or sensitive subjects and events including subjects related to war, political conflicts, natural disasters and tragedies, even if graphic imagery is shown.”

Um…it could just be me but this sounds a lot like, “if you post videos about the news, no ka-ching for you!”

And naturally, many political video bloggers or v-loggers are suggesting just that – that this may be a way to crack down on certain political ideas, speech, thoughts, etc.

My two cents – if networks can sell ads during the nightly news, then surely video bloggers who discuss the news, politics, etc should be able to get a few bucks.

Honestly 3.5 readers, I know nothing about any of this and am just regurgitating what I’ve read in the Twitosphere so I could be wrong.  Assume I am wrong.  Don’t think badly of YouTube or YouTubers based on this post but rather, go do your own research.

I assume this will be a situation that no one will know the impact of until it happens and YouTubers report to the public on whether or not they see a decline in cash flow but at any rate if you’re an indie content producer of any kind, whether it be blogging, social media, video posting or whatever, not putting all your eggs in one basket is key.

Branch out lest new rules come down the pike and blindside you.

If you know more about this and can set me straight or better yet if you’re a YouTuber who knows the 411, discuss in the comments.

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Sep 03 2016
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Uncategorized

The Tao of Bookshelf Q. Battledog

If a cat goes unchased, did a cat serve its purpose?

If I bark at Bookshelf Q. Battler but he doesn’t hear it, did I even bark at all?

If I don’t eat random things off of the floor how will I ever know what they are?

If a blog only has 3.5 readers, does it have any readers at all?

If I lick my butt then lick BQB despite his protests have I covered BQB with my dog butt germs? (Most assuredly so.)

If a chicken crosses the road, gets to the other side, then returns to his initial point of origin, did the chicken ever really go anywhere?

Remember 3.5 readers…a journey of a thousand paw prints begins with one tail wag…also cats are big time buttholes.

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Sep 02 2016
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state of the bookshelf

State of the Bookshelf – BQB’s Plans for the Fall

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BQB is beloved by his 3.5 readers – like this guy. Also, Aunt Gertie and 1 and 1/2 of a person in Albuquerque.

Happy Fall, 3.5 readers.

So here’s where my mind is at.

I’m going to use this Fall to:

A) Get super buff.  Gotta get my exercise on. Get my eating right on. Drop a few lbs to improve my health so I can live long enough to entertain my 3.5 readers far into the future. Plus, Video Game Rack Fighter keeps her shit hella tight so its only fair I reciprocate before she drops me like a hot potato for a studlier nerd.

B) Write a new novel, “The Illiad Rebooted.” That’s right. Alien Jones has resurrected Ancient Greek Poet Homer and together we are going to reboot the shit out of the Illiad for fun and profit.  Mostly profit.  Actually, mostly fun. I can’t imagine there will be much profit.

I’m going to bang out this draft by Dec. 31, spend the first few months of next year getting it rewritten, edited, and self-published, then devote the rest of next year to rewriting, editing and self-publishing How the West Was Zombed.

This may be a dumb idea but I’m getting restless and feel the need to move on to something and then I’ll be able to come back to Zombed with a fresh mind.

I worry as this has been my downfall in the past  – I start novels, then go on to other novels, but I think it will be ok because I’m more determined than ever to get a novel out.

This is all subject to change of course but as of today, this is where I am.

I like to fantasize about renting my own office, starting my own profitable self-publishing business, earning boku cash and most importantly, laughing heartily at friends, family, and assorted dummies who told me I’d never amount to anything and have thus far proven themselves to be psychic.

“No, dummies!” I will say. “You were not psychic. You just did not look far ahead enough into the future – a future where I have purchased a mansion in Malibu with my self-publishing money and have wild hot babe infested parties every weekend.”

It is important to remain humble and to keep your dreams realistic, 3.5 readers. It really is.

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Sep 02 2016
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TV

TV Review – Stranger Things

Nerds!  Monsters! Mysterious doings!

BQB here with a review of Netflix’s latest hit, Stranger Things.

NOTE: I’m only up to episode three.  I’ll be spoiling what I know so far so don’t read ahead if you want to avoid spoilers. Meanwhile, don’t tell me what happens after episode three. Thanks 3.5 readers.

So for the past month everyone in my Facebook feed has been all like, “OMG I love Stranger Things! It reminds me of my childhood because I’m a friend of BQB and therefore I’m a dried up old Generation Xer that no one gives a shit about!”

Yup. That’s what they actually said. My 3.5 friends are very hard on themselves.

But those are the grass is greener people.  Me? The tale brings me so far back into my childhood that I ended up thinking, “Oh joy. All the things I enjoyed as a child are now ancient history and the grim specter of death is looking over my shoulder.”

I tend to be a glass half empty type of person.  Glass half full people are like, “What? I had a toy Millennium Falcon too!”

How to describe this show?

Take one part Goonies and one part X-Files.  Throw in a dash of Steven Spielberg’s E.T., just a pinch of Poltergeist and you’re there.

From the electronically synthesized theme music to the kids saving the day on their bikes, this show is a heaping helping of nostalgia for the thirty to forty something crowd to relive their youth and enjoy a distraction from the twenty-two year old millennials who somehow leap frogged the hell over us and became our bosses/safe space dwelling, trigger warning demanding overlords in the blink of an eye.

The plot surrounds a group of boys whose friend Will has gone missing.  Will’s mother, Joyce, played by Winona Ryder, herself a staple of 1980s teen movies, freaks out while the town’s depressed chief of police Jim Hopper (David Harbour) turns the town upside down looking for the lad.

But to hell with those adults, for it is up to nerd boy trio Mike, Lucas and Dustin (Finn Wolfhard, Caleb McLaughlin and Gaten Matarazzo, respectively) to ride around town aimlessly on their bikes to save the day.

Oh, and they’re joined by a mysterious girl with eerie super powers (Millie Bobby Brown.)

Was she named after singer Bobby Brown? That kind of would be awesome.

And seriously? “Finn Wolfhard?”  Holy shit. That kid should thank his parents because with a name like that Hollywood had no choice but to put him on the fast track to fame.

I have enjoyed the first three episodes and now that I think about it, it has been quite some time since there was a serious movie or TV show where a group of kids are the main characters yet adults are able to find the story enjoyable.

There were a lot of movies like this in the 1980s, then they sort of trailed of in the 1990s.

Why? I don’t know.  Maybe because today’s kids would learn that their friend is missing and be all like, “Oh noes! I must totes run to my safe space and raise awareness on Twitter! Hashtag #PrayersforWill”

Then again, the adults have gotten worse too.  Kids used to be able to ride around on their bikes and seek assistance from trustworthy adults.  Today, I wouldn’t advise a kid to trust an adult if the adult shows two forms of ID and a reference letter signed by the president and the pope.

Some 1980s things I noticed:

  • Star Wars toys (which are still popular today)
  • Rotary phones with cords.  You pretty much needed to keep your conversations short and sweet, although I do kind of remember just lying down on the kitchen linoleum floor as a whippersnapper in order to have longer conversations whilst being tethered to the phone attached to the wall. Oh and those rotary dials meant you’d stick your finger in the number hole, then crank it all the way around, then do it again for the next number…and the next one….
  • Libraries with micro fiche readers and card catalogs.  Card catalogs were like a computer database on paper! Fun stuff.
  • Mom jeans and window pane glasses.  Not to goof on Barb.  Sigh, people used to care more about function over fashion.  Today, glasses are small and stylish, but those window pane bad boys gave a nerd way more peripheral vision.  Its way easier to sneak up on a nerd now. Thanks a lot small glasses.

So, that’s it. That’s my review. Despite all my gripes about getting older, Stranger Things is actually a fun filled romp back in time.

Oh and if you’re a Gen Xer, its fun to watch this show with a millennial.  Obviously, don’t steal one off the street, but if you have one in your family like I do.  We watched it and the conversation was thus:

MILLENIAL: They had pools back then?

ME: Ugh. Yes.

MILLENIAL: They had cars back then?

ME: And even before then.

MILLENIAL: Wait, when did Star Wars come out?

ME: In the 1970s.  Kids were way into it.

MILLENIAL: And they had plastic toys?

ME: Kids in the 1980s couldn’t buy plastic toys fast enough.

MILLENIAL: People had nice houses for that time.

ME: I know. You assumed we all lived in mud huts.

MILLENIAL: What a wonderful commitment to diversity that the boys have a black friend  despite the racial divisions at the time.

ME: Nope. We had black friends. Wasn’t a big deal. White kids liked toys. Black kids liked toys. We’d get together and play with our toys. Didn’t matter. No one asked for a medal for being friends with a black kid.

See? These whippersnappers don’t know about anything before 1990.

Enjoy it while it lasts, millennials. In twenty years, the next generation will have a show where everyone’s all like, “OMG. I can’t believe that people used to post pictures of their lunch on Facebook. Now that everyone’s a precog we all already know what everyone ate for lunch.”

STATUS: Shelf-worthy

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