Behold, 3.5 readers:
By the way nerds, if you have access to the Kindle Lending Library you can read this for free.
Bookshelf Battle
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Monthly Archives: June 2017
I’m Worried About My Sales
3.5 readers, BQB here.
I don’t mean to alarm you, but as we draw near to the end of the first day of my first book being available for purchase on Amazon, I’m growing increasingly concerned about my sales figures, which, as you can see by this handy chart, are non-existent:
Fellow self-publishers, let’s have a rap session as they used to say in the 1970s. What suggestions do you have for me, a first time self-publisher, to get my sales skyrocketing?
I mean, I know I’m supposed to manage my expectations, but I really thought I’d be in a Malibu beach house in a hot tub full of supermodels by now and yet I can barely afford a cold shower and a nudey magazine.
My Book is Live!
Huzzah, 3.5 readers!
After all this time, my very first e-book is up on Amazon and available for purchase for the low, low price of $2.99. How exciting.
Have you ever been the first person to do something? No? Well now is your chance to be one of the first people to buy this incredible book. Go on. Be one of the first people to download this bad boy and feel like Neil Armstrong must have felt when he walked on the moon for the first time.
I’m Very Excited 3.5 Readers
I’ve done some of the preliminary Amazon stuff. BQB’s Writing Prompts should be up and to the masses soon. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll be able to buy a nice mozzarella stick appetizer at Applebee’s with the sales. I know, I like to dream big.
Writing Choices – Game of Thrones and an Overabundance of Characters
Sigh. Why must I wait until July for Game of Thrones to come back on the air?
Oh well. This one will be a short one.
Game of Thrones has so many characters – so, so many characters. And many of them are key players. All in all, we’re talking like, hundreds of parts.
I suppose it makes sense in a wide-sweeping epic. Then again, I’ve found that in my own writing, sometimes it is difficult to just keep track of the names of the bit players. If you have a secretary named Janet who gives your hero a key piece of info, you want to make a note of it so you don’t name another character Janet.
Sure, in real life, you’ll probably run into multiple people named Janet. People don’t check to see many Janets there are around you before deciding whether or not to add one more Janet to the mix. But, to the reader, two characters with the same name will be confusing.
Plus, how do you describe all those characters? There are only so many ways to describe a person. At the end of the day, we all aren’t snowflakes. Sure, we all look different and those differences are readily noticeable to the eye but on paper? “He’s old, she’s young, he’s tall, she’s short, he’s skinny, she’s fat” I mean, really…how do you come up with unique descriptions for over two hundred people or more?
YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Can you keep up with all the characters on Game of Thrones? How do you do it? I’ve been watching the show since the beginning and I still just refer to many of the characters as, “The guy who did the thing.” Also, tell me how you keep track of the characters in your stories.
BQB’s Writing Prompts Book Coming Soon
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
Keeping my fingers crossed, hoping my first book will be self-published on Amazon at some point this week.
Hope you will check it out. I need all 3.5 of you to read it. Thanks.
Writing Choices – Fight Club and Characters with Multiple Personalities
The first rule of this discussion is don’t complain about spoilers. The second rule of this discussion is don’t explain about spoilers.
Seriously, you’ve had 18 years to watch this movie. If a movie has existed the exact amount of time it takes to bring a baby to adulthood then please, spare me your spoiler complaints.
Fight Club. It’s a great film that has gotten better with age if you ask me. Generation X has sort of become a lost generation. The Baby Boomers are apparently going to stick around forever and the Millenials are leap frogging over the X’ers because they’ve all had access to some pretty sweet technology since they were babies.
Us? We’re stuck in the middle, and that was the sense of ennui that this film was trying to portray.
If you don’t want to read about the main spoiler, then look ok. Last chance. OK. Here it goes:
Ed Norton’s nameless character and his new friend, the one that comes into his life, turns it upside down, urges him to start a fight club and fill it with dangerous domestic terrorist anarchists…are the same person!
I know, right? #mindblown
Sometimes it is possible for a character to be more than one person at the same time. Usually, this happens when a character has a split personality. There may be other times, for example:
- A character assuming a false identity to spy on or trick people will require the audience to keep up with which characters in the film believe the character to be Person #1 and who think he is Person #2.
- Maybe the character is possessed by a demon or some kind of magic is involved to put two souls into one body.
Multiple personalities seems to be where this issue comes up the most and from a writing standpoint, it is a bear.
Personally, I believe it’s easier done in movie form. When you watch Fight Club, you are taken through a series of twists and turns as it is slowly revealed that Tyler (Brad Pitt) is more than just a smooth, fast talker but in fact, he has a lot of bad things planned and the naive Ed Norton figures things out way too late.
Then, it all comes down to the ultimate reveal when Ed realizes he was Tyler all along. Immediately, the audience starts going through all the interactions that Ed and Tyler had together and those will need to be sewn up. Video footage, for example, shows Ed yelling at no one where cut scenes show him yelling at his imaginary friend, Tyler.
I’ve tried to write characters with false identities – people who go to one place where the people think he is A and another place where people think he is B. It’s exhausting. I’m not sure I’m even a good enough writer to pull that trick off yet but hopefully one day.
YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Discuss your favorite Fight Club moments, or talk about another movie or book where there was a character who was, for whatever reason, more than one person. What challenges will a writer face while trying to pull this off?
Movie Review – Wonder Woman (2017)
Amazon warrior babes! Evil Germans! The best female superhero ever!
BQB here with a review of Wonder Woman.
Let me just say it right off the bat, 3.5 readers. This is a great movie – a really great movie.
It was a high stakes film for DC and Warner Brothers, a make or break film in their quest to create a Justice League franchise that would rival the success of Marvel’s Avengers.
The first attempt, last year’s Batman vs. Superman was an economy sized stink burger with extra poop cheese. The second attempt, Suicide Squad, was not a critical success, though I liked it personally.
Luckily, WB/DC not only avoided a third strike with Wonder Woman – they knocked it out of the park.
Princess Diana (Gal Gadot) lives an idyllic, peaceful life on a secret island filled with super hot, boner-inducing Amazon warrior babes. For years, she’s been told a tale by her mother, Queen Hippolyta and aunt, Antiope (Robin Wright) of how men were once kind and noble but alas, their minds were poisoned by Aries, the God of War, to fight one another.
The Amazons found safety on an island paradise but that is disturbed when WWI pilot Steve Trevor crash lands on their territory. When Steve informs the super hot warrior babes that World War One (or just, the World War at that time) has broken out, Diana is convinced that this is the handiwork of Aries and teams of with Steve to save the day.
Great action, amazing special effects and plenty of humor as Diana adjusts to life in the early 1900s, a time when women were expected to be obedient to men and only speak when spoken to. (Ah, those were the days! Wait, who said that? Surely, not me. Crap. I’m going to get complaint letters now.)
Gal Gadot was the perfect choice for this role and she can wrap me up in her lasso of truth anytime. Alas, I just wish I had more interesting stories to tell her.
The story is great, a real blend of history and fiction to come up with something unique on its own.
Frankly, I wish this film had been the start of WB/DC’s foray into Justice League territory. Marvel has been making bank for nearly a decade with a tried and true formula, namely, give each hero their own movie, then put all the heroes into one movie, then give each hero their follow up movies, then do another movie where all the heroes get together and repeat.
Admittedly, DC had a higher mountain to climb. Batman and Superman are so well known that no one needed another movie where little Bruce Wayne sees his parents get shot or another movie where baby Kal-El crash lands in an Iowa cornfield.
Still, there could have been some standalone films where we are introduced to the latest incarnations of Batman and Superman. True, we did get that with Man of Steel, but otherwise, Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman were all tossed into a big crap sandwich in the super sucky Batman vs. Superman before we ever got to learn what makes any of them tick.
And really, Wonder Woman was the only part of B vs. S that did not suck the super big one.
This is the first critical success for the Justice League franchise and what I hope will be the beginning of a winning streak. Unfortunately, from the trailer of this November’s Justice League, I fear the winning streak won’t last long, as characters like Cyborg, Aqua Man and the Flash are all lumped together before we get movies that tell us who these characters are and what they are all about.
At least, no matter what, we can say we know what makes Wonder Woman tick, thanks to this film.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Best film of the year thus far. Get off your butts and see it in the theater, 3.5. You’ll be glad you did.
Toilet Gator – Chapter 88
Sharon was unable to process the information she’d just received from Natalie. “The entire joint task force…dead?”
“It just came in over the wire while we were on the way here,” Natalie said. “President Stugotz is mobilizing the National Guard and declaring a state of martial law in South Florida.”
“Mother of God,” Sharon said. “If a SWAT team wasn’t able to take this alligator down then I have no idea who can.”
Rusty raised his hand. “I do…but I don’t have a right to ask.”
Everyone around the table looked to Rusty as though he was about to utter the most important words anyone would ever say ever. Rusty pointed to Cole.
“Me?” Cole asked.
“I have no right,” Rusty said. “I failed you and left you on your own against that dog ten years ago. But you faced down Old Mongo, cheated death, and lived to tell the tale. Since then, you’ve hunted lions, tigers and bears…”
“Oh my,” Maude interjected. Seeing that no one was amused she added, “What? Too soon?”
Cole sighed. “It’s funny. I’ve been thinking lately it might be time to hang up my hunting gear. People don’t seem to have the same amount of respect for big game hunters that they used to. They feel like it’s too macho, cruel, uncivilized…”
Moses scoffed. “Liberal whack jobs who want to crawl up Hillary Clinton’s…”
“Yeah, I know Moses,” Cole said. “You think everyone who disagrees with you must be a liberal whack job who wants to crawl inside Hillary Clinton’s vagina but either way, I’ve been thinking that hunting has run its course through me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be able to change what happened that day and I could kill a thousand big beasties but that will never bring my leg or my pride back.”
Professor Lambert intervened. “You lost your leg?”
“To a big ass dog,” Rusty said. “While saving a little girl’s life. He’s the best hero I’ll ever know.”
“Then, my good man, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you are the most qualified person I can think of to go up against an alligator of this magnitude,” Professor Lambert said.
Sharon frowned. She reached across the table and grabbed Cole’s hand. The move stunned Cole. He had so longed for the feeling of his ex-wife’s hand in his and now it was happening again.
“Cole,” Sharon said. “Haven’t you done enough already?”
“I hate to admit it but Rusty is right,” Cole said. “I’m the only one around I can think of with police training who doesn’t lose his cool when a big animal with sharp teeth is looking at him like he’d make a good meal.”
The room went silent. “One last trophy,” Cole said. “And then I’m out of the hunting game for good.”
The ex-chief stood up and took command of the room. “Maude.”
“Cole you need to try some of this,” Maude said as she held up her joint. “It’s like Woodstock all over again baby!”
“Focus Maude,” Cole said. “You still talk to Arthur’s old trucking buddies?”
“On occasion,” Maude replied.
“Good,” Cole said. “Think they could muster us up a couple of big rigs, no questions asked?”
“I’ll have to turn on the old charm,” Maude said just before emitting a loud burp. “Excuse me.”
“Good,” Cole said. “Moses.”
“Sir, yes sir,” Moses said.
“You got any firepower?” Cole asked.
“I’m the owner and operator of Freedom Firepower, aren’t I?” Moses asked.
Cole winked at Moses. “Yeah, but I’m talking about…firepower.”
“Oh,” Moses said. “Yeah, I might have one or two or a dozen pieces that are strictly um…kosher.”
“Sharon,” Cole said.
“Yes?” Sharon asked.
“You still drive like Mario Andretti?” Cole asked.
“I don’t get as many tickets these days,” Sharon said. “But yes. I can put the hammer down.”
“What about me, Cole?” Rusty asked. “I’m not going to screw you over again, that’s for damn sure.”
“You’re going to protect what’s most valuable to me,” Cole said.
Rusty looked bewildered until he noticed that Cole’s hands were resting on Sharon’s shoulders.
“Aw,” Rusty said. “Son of a…”
Maude coughed loudly into her fist. “Cough cough, pussy! Cough, cough. Pardon me. This is some good shit.”
“Have you still got those breakaway pants?” Cole asked.
“Probably somewhere in the back of my closet,” Rusty said. “Why?”
“Just get them,” Cole said before turning to the scholar in the room. “Professor, we’ll need your brain of course.”
“You have it,” the Professor said.
“Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties?” Cole asked.
“Um, I prefer to go by Natalie off camera.”
“Sorry,” Cole said. “Natalie, can you get me on air?”
“I can swing that,” Natalie said as she turned to the Professor. “And Professor Lambert, I am so sorry I ever doubted you. I’d like to get you on air as well.”
“Oh, I don’t know, Madame,” Professor Lambert said. “When I contacted you earlier, it was not about obtaining fame and fortune for myself but rather out of a need to warn the public of a very significant danger. Now that the public is aware, I don’t know if I…”
“I can probably get NN1 to pay you a scientific analyst fee,” Natalie said.
“Who am I to deny my knowledge to the world?” the Professor asked.
“It’s settled,” Cole said. “The Professor and I will go with Natalie. Moses, I’m going to need to check out your hardware later.”
“You got it,” Moses said.
“The rest of you reconvene at my place,” Cole said. “We’ve got to draw up a plan to take this gator down.”
Sixteen Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays
Sixteen weeks. Wow. Time goes by so quickly.
I suppose “Toilet Gator Sundays” is a misnomer at this point. At first, I pledged that I would only work on Toilet Gator on Sundays in order to give me enough time to finish Zom Fu.
At some point, I began cracking myself up that I just keep speeding through Toilet Gator. Zom Fu is mostly done. It just needs an ending.
My plan at this point is to finish the Toilet Gator first draft, then finish the Zom Fu first draft. Then rewrite both books, get them off to an editor. I’d like to say they will both be out by the end of this year but if it goes into next year, then so be it.
I have come to accept that writing is a long game. I don’t like it, but I accept it.
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