Does she wear a top hat? Does she speak in a cockney accent? Does she use modern tech that looks like it was built during Victorian times?
Sounds like she is, but this top ten list can help you know for sure.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Monthly Archives: February 2018
Things That Really Frost My Ass – Valentine’s Day Edition
Happy Valentine’s Day 3.5 readers. Here’s a blast from the past from Uncle Hardass, who opines that if you’re a lonely CHUD this Valentine’s Day, you should give up and settle.
By: Uncle Hardass, Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Renowned Romance Expert Hardassimo J. Scrambler, BQB’s Grumpy Uncle
Hello degenerate 3.5 readers. Still wasting your time trying to become writers I see. Despite your old Uncle Hardass’ repeated efforts to put you on the straight and narrow path, you’re all still convinced that you’re going to be the next Hugh Howey.
And you know what? Maybe you all ought to shut yourselves up in a big grain silo for a decade or two just to get some inspiration for your next writing project. God knows the world would be a better place without all you damn hippies in it.
The salt mines are still hiring, by the way. GET A JOB!
Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day. The day of love. Amor, mon cheri. I know this comes as no surprise, but back in my day, I was quite the ladies’ man.
Why, when…
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Top Ten Last Minute Gift Ideas for Your Girlfriend this Valentine’s Day
Ahh, Valentine’s Day. That day that you don’t want to screw up, for if you do, your source of vagina, er I mean your beloved lifelong best friend and companion, will go on lockdown.
Have you been too busy reading this fine blog to buy a gift? From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are my top ten last minute ideas:
#10 – Household Appliances – If 1950s advertising has taught me anything, it’s that you’ll be a hero in your household for getting your wife a dish washer, clothes washing machine, basically anything that will make less work for her around the house and frankly, you’re a good man for not being a stickler and making that lazy bitch clean clothes and dishes the better, old way of demanding that she put all that dirty shit in a sack and drag into down to the river and then spend three days washing it all in the river water and drying it all on a rock.
Make sure you let her know that you’re being a good guy by helping her out here. “You know, honey, Mr. Tiddlybonker across the street makes his wife carry all the dirty clothes to the river…”
#9 – Money – Chicks dig money. Oh, and if you don’t have a wife or girlfriend, I’ve heard that money can buy you a prostitute…so, rent a valentine! (Don’t do it you’ll go to jail and be a bad man’s valentine).
#8 – IOU Coupons – Free backrubs, free this, free that. Hand drawn.
#7 – Penis. Consensual penis only. Seek written, notarized, witnessed and videotaped consent. Just to be sure, make her take a lie detector test while she’s consenting.
#6 – Karate lessons. Once she’s a blackbelt, she can karate chop all of the unwanted, non-consensual penis.
#5 – A lifelike dummy replica – She can put this out and it will take all of the unwanted, unsolicited, non-consensual penis attacks while she goes about her daily business.
#4 – A song. Write her a song. Sing it. If all else fails, sing your words over a Boyz II Men track.
#3 – Cake. Women love cake.
#2 – Russel Stover heart shaped chocolate boxes. Only squeeze 70 percent as you look for the one you want.
#1 – A poem. Her eyes are like the ocean, her smile is like the sun…chicks love that shit.
Movie Review – Darkest Hour (2017)
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
BQB here with a review of “Darkest Hour.”
You know 3.5 readers, modern politics suck. They’re messy and brutish, a blood sport on all sides. Amidst all this kerfluffle, where is the man who is willing to stand up, not for what is popular, but for what is right? Where is the man who is willing to slap his balls down on the table and be prepared to lose them to the naysayers if they’re proven right?
Sigh. That man (or woman) is working the drive-thru at Arby’s or some such bullshit, because let’s face it, people without polish and pizzazz (or money) can’t get a foot through the political door these days.
Luckily, such wasn’t the case for Sir Winston Churchill. An old mumbler who looked like a bald bull dog, he drank to excess, took most meetings in his bathrobe, and chain smoked cigars and drank bottles upon bottles of booze all day long. Moody, unpolished, rude, but he had balls. Oh, how he had balls.
Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain (Ronald Pickup) sought peace with Hitler. The result? At the start of the film, Hitler’s armies stand ready to overrun Belgium and take over France, where, without intervention, they’ll push British forces into the sea at Dunkirk, effectively ending the UK’s ability to defend itself.
It’s a hopeless situation and the political types in parliament are more interested in saving their careers than the nation. No one even wants the position of Prime Minister now, as defeat seems imminent and no one wants to go down as the leader who handed England over to Germany.
Thus, Churchill, who had long been the lonely canary in the coal mine, warning England and the rest of the Europe that Hitler was up to some serious shit and he should met not with appeasement but early attacks before he gets too far, is placed in charge.
Chamberlain and Viscount Halifax (Stephen Dillane or Roose Bolton to “Game of Thrones” fans) want to double down on a new attempt to appease Hitler, oblivious to the fact that earlier attempts to satiate the Nazis just made them that much stronger.
Together, they make moves to force Churchill into peace talks, putting the bulldog into a grave position. The 25,000 lives he lost under his military command years earlier weigh heavily on him, and the prospects of victory against a war machine that has conquered the rest of the continent seem grim.
Ultimately, it’s up to Churchill to make some tough choices and outfox the foxes in his hen house at their own game.
SPOILER ALERT – because, I mean, it’s history, so you should know already, but Churchill chooses to fight Hitler rather than make a peace. He’s certain it would be a lame ass peace, one that would leave the swastika flying over Buckingham Palace and a Nazi controlled puppet government running the show.
But it was definitely an unsavory roll of the dice. Had Germany prevailed, the puppet government would have looked better than a defeated, decimated Britain…and thus Gary Oldman as Churchill gives us a front row seat to how the proverbial sausage is made, how leadership requires the bold to make a tough decision and to stay the course, no matter how far away the light at the end of the tunnel may seem.
Will there be more Churchills in the future? Honestly, I feel television really screwed our collective political pooch. As long as elections are decided based on who has the most polish and pizzazz, perfect looks and fabulous hair, the ornery old bald foul mouthed drunk who’s willing to put his balls on the line and to tell the enemy to eat a dick doesn’t stand a chance at election.
Hell, even Churchill didn’t. Once his big balls one the war, his reward was to be thrown out of office. But, he was able to walk away knowing he and his balls had stood up for what was right.
Worthy of Oscars all around but will probably lose to the movie about the fish fucker.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Rent it today. Props to the women behind the man, i.e. his wife Clemmie (Kristin Scott Thomas) who reigned him in and got him to focus on shit. Meanwhile, scenes with his personal secretary, Elizabeth Layton (Lilly James) who has to undergo the stress of taking Churchill’s cigar smoke cough laden, booze fueled, mumbling rants and putting them into actual words to be typed and dispatched are particularly touching.
Has Your Butt Been Probed By Aliens?
Your butt. You must protect it from danger at all times.
Has your butt been probed by aliens from another world?
A Love Letter Using Only 1990s Song Titles
Dearest Macarena,
One Sweet Day, I’ll need you to Hit Me Baby One More Time. I’m Too Sexy, I Swear, and I’m not a Loser. Is this the End of the Road? No, and No Scrubs could ever be Killing You Softly with His Song. Will we be Livin’ La Vida Loca? You Can’t Touch This? That’s cold as Ice, Ice, Baby.
Movie Review – Hostiles (2017)
Christian Bale…so moody…basically playing himself.
BQB here with a review of “Hostiles.”
I love a good Western. The general movie going public doesn’t, but I appreciate it whenever Hollywood gives me one just the same.
In 1892, Captain Joseph Blocker (Bale) is nearing retirement as one of the U.S. Army’s most notorious Native American killers. He is firm in his belief that his actions were justified, and can recite countless tales of horror perpetrated against settlers.
Meanwhile, Chief Yellow Hawk (Wes Studi) is a prisoner at the Army fort in New Mexico, where Blocker is stationed. He’s one of the West’s most notorious killers of settlers and he can recite countless tales of horror perpetrated against his people.
In short, both men feel they were justified and yet, you guessed it…road trip! (Horse trip?) The Chief, due to his old age, is granted a pardon and Blocker is ordered to escort his longtime enemy to his ancestral homeland in Montana.
The setup seems intriguing enough. Blocker and Yellow Hawk are not friends, yet they’ll need to come to an understanding because the Comanche are nearby and as Yellow Hawk warns, they don’t discriminate and will kill natives and settlers alike.
But alas, from there, the story wanders. Rosamund Pike enters the picture as a widow who lost her family to a Comanche attack. Various subplots ensue – a sergeant who has lost his faith, an African American corporal who is grateful that Blocker treats him as an equal, a prisoner who argues that Blocker is just as guilty as he is, and so on.
“Pick a plot already!” That’s what I found myself saying half-way through the film. While there is sporadic, gruesome action, there are long periods of hum drum, drawn out talking.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy, but I’d say wait to rent it. It runs at least a half-hour too long. There were various parts where I was like, “Oh here’s a good part where it could end and…oh, no…it’s still going.” No one needs to sit in a stiff movie theater seat for that.
Movie Review – American Assassin (2017)
Guns! Bombs! Treachery and intrigue!
BQB here with a review of “American Assassin.”
It’s not easy to take a popular book series and bring it to life on the big screen. While Tom Cruise’s efforts to breathe cinematic life into Lee Child’s “Jack Reacher” have fizzled (watch one and it feels like an extended episode of “Law and Order”) there appears to be hope for the late Vince Flynn’s Mitch Rapp character. Flynn left the world much too young, but Mitch lives on.
In this film, Dylan O’Brien stars as Rapp, a happy go lucky graduate student whose life is changed for the worst when his girlfriend is shot during a terrorist attack on a beach resort. Trading in text books for knives and martial arts training, Mitch sets out to take on terrorists all by himself only to be recruited by the CIA and given formal training by the gruffy and surly Stan Hurley (Michael Keaton, back as part of the Keaton-aissance.)
Rapp is a walking contradiction and difficult to control. He’s got a personal grudge, a fact that the CIA believes it can exploit in the form of an agent who can be pushed to the brink. On the other hand, the personal grudge means he doesn’t take orders and is willing to put the mission at risk, which causes Mitch and Hurley to lock horns often.
Ultimately, Mitch will be forced to face Ghost, a former trainee of Stan’s who went rogue. If you’re a nerd, you might see the Stan as Obi Wan, Ghost as Darth Vader and Mitch as Luke Skywalker parallel.
Many thrillers are satisfying on the page only to come out as blah on screen, but I think Hollywood has something here in the form of a young, angry American anti-James Bond character.
Let me put it this way. I’ll probably watch “American Assassin 2” before “Jack Reacher 3.”
STATUS: Shelf-worthy.
Movie Review – Blade Runner 2049 (2017)
“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.” – Roy Batty
The long awaited sequel to the 1980s sci-fi classic, “Blade Runner” is here. BQB here with a review, 3.5 replicants.
Thirty years after the events of the first film, “Officer K” a replicant who serves LAPD as a blade runner, has stirred up quite a controversy. Specifically, during a routine replicant retirement, he discovers that years ago, a female replicant gave birth to a baby.
This is not good news for humans, who want replicants to serve only as slaves. While Roy and the gang did cause some mischief in the last film, ever so creepy scientist Niander Wallace (Jared Leto) has bought out the Tyrell Corporation and bred a new generation of flawlessly subservient replicants.
But the older, more free-spirited models remain and Madame (Robin Wright), the head of the LAPD’s anti-replicant unit, wants any and all older models retired. The idea that replicants could reproduce is frightening, so she puts K on the assignment.
Along the way, K’s investigation puts him into some buddy cop shenanigans with Deckard (Harrison Ford) the original blade runner from the first film.
So, here’s the deal. The first film was a sci-fi legend because it was sleek, stylish, and catered to a more mature sci-fi nerd. Wookies and laser swords (Star Wars had just come out at the time) were all well and good, but this was the thinking man’s nerd movie.
Further, the movie posed a lot of questions about the value of life – how short it is, how people end up being what society wants them to be rather than who they want to be, whether it is possible for synthetic lifeforms to be made, if they are made, would they have a soul and of course, as Batty points out, how life seems like a waste if one day all your memories will be gone.
This film is a treat. In many ways, it does retain that early 1980s serious sci-fi vibe. It’s dark and brooding. There’s more 50-foot tall hologram advertising models. Frankly, the idea of a hologram girlfriend that does your bidding sounds awesome (those are normal height).
Is it as good as the original? Does it replace it? No and no, but it’s a fun time and it doesn’t damage the original.
It is a time commitment, coming in at roughly 2 hours and 50 minutes. Honestly, I held off on seeing it because I needed a day when I’d have 3 hours without someone bothering me and today was it. I had to watch it in shifts, I’d watch an hour, then go do something, etc.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy.
Fridays with BQB – Interview #2 – Bloodsucking Fun with Rick Gualtieri
Fortune. Hot groupies. Hair. Rick Gualtieri has none of these things, but what he does have is the highly beloved “Tome of Bill” series, which gives a shot of nerdy humor straight into the arm of the ever-so-played vampire genre.
I first heard of Rick when he was a guest on the Self-Publishing Podcast and he seemed like a nerd’s nerd, a geek’s geek, and a poindexter’s poindexter. I could be wrong, but he reminds me a little of myself, i.e. a nerd who is proud of his nerd-dom.
After all, the man maintains a priceless collection of vintage Transformers so he can’t be all that bad.
BQB = BOLD; RICK = ITALICS
QUESTION 1 – Rickster, let’s cut to the chase. Self-publishing. Writing advice. We’ll get to all that in due time but first, my 3.5 readers and I are dying to know…what’s the best piece in your vintage Transformers collection? Mine is a 1980s era Soundwave complete with one of those little cassette tapes that turns into a killer bird. Can you top that? Damnit, I know you probably can.
ANSWER: Color me jealous. I never did manage to add Soundwave to my collection. So it’s probably a good idea if you don’t turn your back on me down any dark alleys. Accidents happen and all that … just saying. As far as my own collection goes, my prized possessions are all five of the original Dinobots. Thirty or so years later, they still kick all sorts of ass.
BQB NOTE TO SELF – Please remember to make an addition to my Last Will and Testament, naming Rick as inheritor of my vintage Soundwave, provided that he promises to rub the toy with fine scented lotions for three hours a day, including all Federal holidays, and allows an inspector to be named by me to make monthly observations of this ritual to ensure that it is done.
QUESTION 2 – Are geeks born or are they made? Suppose my 3.5 readers are geeks who are just trying to figure out how to make it in a world full of people who scoff at their glasses and nerdyness and obsessions with 1980s action figures. What advice do you have for them?
ANSWER: Be you. The most liberating thing in the world is not giving a single crap what people think about you or what you like. Worry about making yourself happy, not the rest of the world. The rest of the world is mostly stupid. Don’t listen to them!
QUESTION 3 – “Tome of Bill.” Let’s get to it. What’s it all about? What does a newb to this series need to know before diving right in?
ANSWER: Tome of Bill is basically an epic-sized mockery of more serious vampire stories. It’s the story of a gamer / geek who gets bitten – due to his own lack of foresight in realizing that some women are out of his league. And when he wakes up, he’s still him. Despite all the weird and wonderful powers of the undead, he’s still a dork and happy with that fact. Pity that the rest of the vampires aren’t nearly as pleased with him.
There’s tons of snark, action, blood, bad jokes, cursing, more snark, and eventually a plot that revolves around Maple syrup. I like to think it’s got it all.
QUESTION 4 – Do your readers appreciate the humor/vampire combo? I dabble in humorous horror myself, but sometimes I fear that horror fans just come for the blood spatter and don’t want to laugh, and comedy fans come for the yuks but don’t want their mellows harshed with blood and guts. How do you keep both camps happy?
ANSWER: I think it’s all in the expectations. When you go into, say, Army of Darkness, you kind of know you’re getting a mix of gore and jokes. That’s why it works. Conversely, if you turn on the Exorcist and suddenly Max von Sydow’s character starts cracking one-liners, it’s going to be a bit of a WTF moment. I think horror comedy works best when you give people a hint up front as to what they’re getting into that way you don’t tick off the hardcore splatter crowd.
QUESTION 5 – As an author of vampiric fiction, I’m going to say you’re qualified to opine on all vampiric matters, so let me ask you a question that has plagued me for years.
Whenever you watch a serious vampire movie, why the hell are all the victims so scared of becoming a vampire? Seriously. You stay young forever. You never die. Sure, you have to murder people and drink their blood to survive which could get tedious but you don’t have a conscience anymore so really, it all comes out in the wash. You live forever so you can study and learn a lot. Travel the world. Learn all the different languages. Glamour hot chicks into being your love slaves (which my lawyer advises me to say in this highly sensitive climate we live in that this would be wrong, totally wrong!) Plus, if you live forever, you can save forever so really, become a Wal-Mart stock-boy for 100 years and by the end of the century you’ll be loaded.
Am I missing something? Is there a downside to becoming a vampire? I’m thinking about just lying around a cemetery with some hot sauce on my neck in the hopes I’ll become a vamp victim. Can you talk me out of it?
ANSWER: I personally think it’s more the fear of dying … and what happens if the process either doesn’t work or the vampire has no real intention of turning you. It’s like “Hey, congrats, sucker. Now you’re really dead.”
I mean, heck, otherwise it would be no different than going to the hospital for some minor surgery and waking up with superpowers (and maybe a sun allergy). There’s probably more that plays into it. Fear of never seeing a sunrise again maybe (not a big deal for those of us who avoid beach days), or possibly fear of losing our minds and slaughtering everyone we know. That last one is pretty much the only issue that kind of bugs Bill after he gets turned.
But heck yeah. Aside from that, sign me up for a couple hundred years of compounded interest.
QUESTION 6 – Vampires. Zombies. What’s the next horror monster craze? I’m betting chupacabras. Lots of angsty teen dramas about goth kids who give their teachers plenty of guff by day and sneak onto a farmer’s ranch by night to eat all of his goats.
ANSWER: Personally, I’m all about killer sasquatches myself. But those have limited terror appeal in a city setting. Whatever it is, I want to be at the crest of that wave. Maybe a story about C.H.U.D.s … our hero wakes up one night with an insane urge to live in the sewers and dine on human flesh. Hilarity ensues.
Hmm, let me go write that one down now, while it’s fresh in my head.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: And here I thought I was the only one talking about C.H.U.D.s.
QUESTION 7 – The self-publishing game. Is it worth it? I know for me, there are times when it feels like its just one giant hamster wheel and I’m a furry little rodent just waiting for a piece of cheese that will never come. Are there times when you just want to say “screw it” and go take a nap and/or eat cookies and/or watch TV? If you never feel like that, what keeps you going strong? If there are times when you feel like that, what helps you get past it?
ANSWER: I won’t lie. The self-publishing game is only going to get tougher because we’re in a maturing market. The boom days are ending. There’s a lot of people making short term bank right now via a variety of ways (ie. churning out books faster than a puppy mill), but I try to view it from the long term. My goal has been and continues to be writing (hopefully) good stories that people will want to read today, tomorrow, or years from now. Even then, it’s a tough business to be in.
There are always going to be times when I get discouraged, want to walk away, don’t want to do something et cetera. But realistically that’s not any different than any other job I’ve had. What keeps me going is that I really love doing this. It just feels right.
And even if somewhere down the road I have to hang up my hat and move on, I can do so with my head held high. I’ve done far more than I ever thought possible. Nobody can take that away from me.
QUESTION 8 – You’ll never believe this. One of my 3.5 readers just told me she wants to begin a journey towards a self-publishing career TOMORROW! Note that I said this person is a she because #2018 and I’m trying my best to stop being a knuckle driving caveman but it’s really hard sometime because I was alive during the 1980s. What advice do you have for this person? What is the very first thing this person should do?
ANSWER: Despite all the advice on building a platform, creating a marketing machine, or owning social media, she has to have a good product first. Make sure that book is the very best she can make it. Seek advice and honest opinions. Polish it up. And while she’s doing that, take some time and study the market. Explore the covers, blurbs, et cetera of those who are selling well. Then try to do what they do, but better.
QUESTION 9 – Bram Stroker comes back to life tomorrow. Is he surprised to see what the vampire genre he invented has become? Is he happy about it? Sad? Are vampires as cool as they used to be?
First I laugh, because you called him, “Bram Stroker.” That is definitely my new porn name. After that, I stake the bastard before he can suck my blood! Okay, fine. I’m not that tasty.
Seriously, I’d like to hope he’d be flattered in some ways, although, I wouldn’t blame him at being a little horrified either. We’re sort of coming down from a bit of a high in the vampire craze. He’d probably wish he’d come back when Buffy was still on the air. I know I would.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: That’s the last time I hire a chimpanzee to proofread my questions.
QUESTION 10 – A maniacal supervillain has locked you in his secret lair. You are surrounded by hideous, bloodsucking vampires. Like seriously, not the hot “True Blood” kind but the ugly kind, the ones that have gone all pointy eared and feral.
There are three and only three items in the room. A lasso. An album autographed by 1990s hip hop group Bell Biv Devoe and a taco seasoning packet.
How will you use these items to save your neck?
ANSWER: This one is easy. I pull out the album and fling it at one vamp like it’s a ninja star … then watch in horror as I completely miss and it shatters against the wall. But at least I’ve spared myself from listening to it.
So then … I hook one of the vampires with the lasso, drag him in, and then pour the taco seasoning in his ear in the hope of totally frying his brain. In the chaos, I whisper to him that he’s actually a horse and together we ride off into the sunset, or at least as far as I can get in the sunset before he dissolves into goo.
It’s that or I die horribly, realizing that I should have watched a lot more MacGyver growing up. Damn you, Richard Dean Anderson!!!!
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Everyone should watch more “MacGyver.” The old one, not the reboot. I’ve run it past my advisors and they all remarked this escape plan sounds valid, though they note that while Bell Biv Devoe may not be for everyone, everyone can always benefit from the key piece of advice these noble philosopher poets offered to the world, namely, to “never trust a big butt and a smile.”
Wise words indeed. Thank you, Rick. May your All-Spark never dim.
Bookshelf Battle 