Monthly Archives: August 2018

Movie Review – Mile 22 (2018)

Say hello to your mother for me.

BQB here with a review of “Mile 22.”

I’ve been watching Mark Wahlberg’s acting career since the 1990s and inevitably, he always plays that same charming South Boston tough guy in every film – literally every film from serious roles in “The Departed” to silly throwaway stuff like “The Transformers.”

Here, he tried something different and made an effort to become someone else.  I’m not sure he achieved it or if he just came across as MW trying really hard to be someone else but at least he tried.

In this movie, Mark plays James Silva a clandestine special agent who is…well, I don’t know if we find out what exactly his problem is.  He’s hyperactive, highly intelligent, he might have some kind of personality disorder but at any rate, he’s brilliant when it comes to strategy but on a personal level, he’s a dick.  He speaks rapidly, blurting out facts and stats a mile a minute, bogging his subordinates down with info and orders and lacks diplomacy, insulting and berating them into submission.

I almost wanted to call it “Rain Man Meets Homeland” except Carrie was never this mean or testosterone fueled, and he is more functional than Dustin Hoffman’s character.

The plot?  A foreign government agent comes to an American embassy with information on where a weapon of mass destruction is located.  The catch – he’ll only tell if he is allowed to defect to America and freedom.  Thus, Mark and his elite special ops unit must fight their way through 22 miles of mayhem to get the operative to safety and away from the various baddies trying to kill him.

This movie is Lauren Cohan’s  (she of “The Walking Dead” fame”) big break to shine on the silver screen.  Though she has had others, this is probably the most memorable.  She plays Wahlberg’s number two, an agent struggling between her desire to do what she does best (fight international baddies) and what she wants to do (i.e. be a mom.)

Her husband, seen through various Facetime chats, is portrayed as a Dick Cheeseburger for moving on with his life and marrying another woman who takes an active role in step-mothering their daughter while Alice is traveling the world on one mission or another.

Cohan acts the crap out of this and you feel her pain so I’m not knocking her, but it just seems like there’s an ongoing film industry double standard.  If a male character chooses work over family, he’s usually portrayed as a dick and the woman who dumps him and moves on is a hero.  On the other hand, if the man gets tired of being alone and finds someone who will be there for him, he’s made out to be a total Turd McMuffin.

SIDENOTE:  I think at some point we, men and women, were sold on this sham that we can “have it all.”  Marriage. Kids.  Family.  High level career.  A rare handful of people make that happen and they are usually the lucky ones who find that special supportive someone willing to be alone, sometimes months at a time for the greater good.  Most can’t make it happen and inevitably, time is in short supply and we all must choose between career and family.

Back to the action, Ronda Rousey rounds out the cast as MW’s number three agent and I’m going to assume that it’s because action movie fans love RR and not because it’s 2018 and that means for every male character taking charge, there must be two females taking charge – a ratio of 2 vags for every 1 peen, as it were.

Overall, the movie mimics MW’s character’s style – it moves fast, very fast, sometimes too fast.  You barely have a second to breathe, eat popcorn, or pick your nose.  Blink and you might miss something.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy but it’s more character driven than plot driven.  There are a lot of fancy, pretentious lines thrown out suggesting that the writers are like, “Hey we watch cable news and we worked in some buzz words we heard so that makes us smart and witty.”  At any rate, it’s a good movie but I think it might have worked better as an HBO series as the film quickly sets up the characters, how their special ops unit operates, and from there, they could face a new threat each week.  Oh well, maybe now that I put that idea out into the Cosmos, HBO might pick it up.

Plus, there is a message how war has changed, how it’s more often ops working behind the scenes rather than uniform wearing soldiers meeting on the field of battle.  The rules of warfare we once knew are over and it’s every man and/or woman for him/herself.

DOUBLE SIDNOTE:  Ladies, I love you.  It’s not that I don’t want you to pick up guns and shoot bad guys it’s just that…eh, I wish you didn’t want to.  I get that you felt left out for many years and men got to do things you wanted to do but men weren’t right about everything and I don’t know, maybe I’m a sexist pig but seeing Lauren and Ronda fight bad guys like barroom brawlers, getting all messed up and bloody and battered and so on…I don’t know.  I’m not telling women they have to get back in the kitchen but not everything men traditionally did is something to aspire to and violence isn’t one of them.

That isn’t to say Lauren and Ronda aren’t fun to watch on screen doing their thing but just, you know.  OK, I’ll shut up now.

Sheesh.  It’s a good thing only 3.5 people read this blog or else I’d get a lot of angry letters.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Ruby Rose Play Batwoman?

Hey 3.5 readers.

Sigh.  Another ginned up social media controversy.

First, tweeters were angry that Jack Whitehall was cast as a gay character in Disney’s upcoming Jungle Cruise because he isn’t gay.

Now tweeters are mad about the idea of Ruby Rose being cast as Batwoman because she isn’t gay enough.

Whitehall is a straight fan and like yours truly, is a fan of snootch.

Ruby Rose is bi, so to borrow a line from that famous commercial – “Sometimes she feels like having some nuts….and sometimes she doesn’t.”

Crickets.

First, I’d argue that women looking to be empowered shouldn’t look to female superhero sidekicks, which is what Supergirl and Batwoman, formerly Batgirl, are.  Female versions of popular superheroes have always been cash grabs, ways for comic book companies to make more money by rehashing a popular character.  “Oh, you like Batman?  Well, what if Batman has a vag.”

Think about it.  How many Batgirl or Batwoman fans do you know?  The most popular female superheroes stand out on there own, i.e. Wonder Woman.  And no, no one has ever yearned to see a Wonder Man.

Second, I get why they wanted to changed Batgirl’s name to Batwoman, but I preferred Batgirl’s backstory.  Batgirl was Commissioner Gordon’s daughter and a librarian who dons a batsuit to fight crime.  Seems like a way to appeal to book nerds.

Batwoman is a policewoman by day and caped crimefighter by night.  Cool idea but seems redundant.  Seems like she could just work free overtime and leave the mask at home since she has the badge already.

Also, Batwoman is gay which is an interesting development and I, for one, support her right to fight crime and penis.

Crickets.

Third and most importantly, I wonder if people have ever heard of the concept of “acting.”  Yes, acting – that old art form where people get up and pretend to be people that they aren’t.

Have we retired that concept now?  Does every actor have to be exactly what a character is?  Ruby Rose likes vags and peens but she can’t play a woman who only likes vags?  Seems silly.

If we’re going that route, then fire Adam Driver because he can’t really use the Force to make objects fly around the room.  Fire Hugh Jackman because he really isn’t the Wolverine and steel claws don’t pop out of his knuckles in real life.  Fire Robert Downey Jr. because he doesn’t own an actual iron suit that he can use to fly and shoot missiles out of his hands.

I get some of the point.  There are gay actors and actresses who feel discriminated against and for all I know, they are.

However, sometimes moviemakers are privy to the ideas they have in mind and sometimes we don’t see the method to their madness until their work hits the big screen.

Examples?  The public at first widely rejected the idea of Heath Ledger as the Joker.  He was a serious, almost stuck up dramatic actor and surely a comedian was needed to play the clown prince of crime.  However, he had a vision of the Joker in mind and the people who cast him were aware of that and when the movie came out he was the best Joker ever.

People didn’t like the idea of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine either.  He was a Broadway show tune singer.  Surely, he was too happy go lucky to play such an angry man…but he nailed it.

How did a serious man play a funny man?  How did a happy man play an angry man?

ACTING!

In other words, I don’t think, at least in the case of Jungle Cruise and Batwoman, that studio execs are actively trying to discriminate against gay actors.  I think they have a vision of the role and have put in some work behind the scenes to see what certain actors or actresses can do and perhaps know more than we do about how those actors and actresses can fit that vision.

Neil Patrick Harris is gay.  He played one of the greatest womanizers of all time on “How I Met Your Mother.”  Acting, people.  It’s all about acting.

Discuss.

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Movie Review – The Meg (2018)

Sharks bite and so does this movie…except it’s a movie that is aware it kind of bites, so come to think of it, it doesn’t bite then, by the transitive non-bite property.

Whatever.  BQB here with a review of “The Meg.”

I’ve always been a big Jason Statham fan.  He was really a sight to behold in his “Transporter” days, taking on 3, 4, or more bad guys in one sitting with his sweet karate moves.

He’s still got the swagger, though we aren’t treated to the martial arts as much as we once were, which is a shame, because a roundhouse kick to a shark face would have been awesome.

Here, we don’t have just any shark.  It’s a Megalodon or “Meg,” a 70 foot long prehistoric monster that has come out of hiding to feast upon human flesh and any flesh will do, ranging from puppies to adorable little Asian kids just trying to swim on a beach to, yes, even a middle aged bald British kung-fu master.

Here’s the short version – this movie was good, but it could have been great.

It’s good in that it is a good time.  The special effects are fun.  It doesn’t take itself too seriously.  The plot isn’t that involved.  It’s more or less an homage to killer monster and/or killer shark movies of the past.  Tropes galore and if a dude makes a dumb expression as he looks into something then rest assure he’s about to lose his face.

It could have been better in that better writing might have kicked this film into second gear.  The characters are cookie cutters – forgettable fodder and of the many who become shark chow, maybe there’s like, one or two who you actually feel bad about.  Statham carries the film on his back and Ruby Rose as a sexy sea lab designer occasionally takes some of the burden, though she is underutilized and her unique look does most of the work.

The plot?  Jonas Taylor (Statham) is an expert when it comes to deep sea rescue missions, because apparently, they happen so often that people specialize in this sort of thing.

Alas, he’s been laughed out by his former colleagues, accused of being a drunkard after claiming during one mission that he saw a big ass shark.

Blah, blah, blah, the shark attacks his former homies and his homies eat a shit ton of crow in order to get him to save the day.

Rainn Wilson plays the eccentric billionaire who funds the research expedition that’s in danger of becoming shark lunch.  He excels at playing a dick and may find a career resurrection as the go to movie dick guy.

Bingbing Li (awesome name) plays Statham’s love interest and other than that, there are a bunch of other losers who are given absurd pieces of dialogue and honestly, just end up being so annoying you can’t wait for them to get in the mega shark’s belly.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  To repeat, it’s good, but missed a shot to be great.  Still worth seeing in the theater due to intense big ass shark scenes.

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Arcade1Up Machines Look Awesome!

Check out Arcade1Up!

Check out Rerez’s review:

Hey 3.5 readers.  My better half, Video Game Rack Fighter, is off fighting a squadron of flying robot chimps, but she wanted me, BQB to bring this to your attention.

I’ve wanted to become an antique video game machine collector for awhile now.  I have fond memories of visiting arcades as a kid and think an arcade cabinet would be a cool show off piece for a nerd cave.

Problem is a) they’re expensive b) you’re pretty much own your own to repair them c) how the heck do you buy one, have them shipped, get the thing into your house and really, it just felt like it’s possible that I’d spend a ton of cash for something that would blow a fuse and become a really fancy coat rack.

A company, Arcade1Up, has apparently realized there’s a demand among nerds like myself.  They’re releasing a series of four foot tall arcade cabinets for $300 a pop.  Titles so far include Asteroids, Centipede, Rampage, Street Fighter II, Galaga – all available for pre-order now and Final Fight will be available in Spring.

My thoughts:

  1. Each game comes with other games loaded on it if you get tired of the main game.
  2. Four foot tall kinda defeats the purpose but you can grab a chair and sit down to play, or they do sell a riser box you can put the thing on so you can play it at standing height.
  3. I’m a little torn because ultimately, it all seems fun yet also all seems like a waste of money.  I stayed at a house once where there was an arcade game as a collector’s piece.  It was fun.  I didn’t spend too much time on it.  Once in awhile, I’d get up, go to the bathroom, play with it a bit, go to bed.  It seems like something that would be fun if say, you were a millionaire and could stomach the idea that one day the thing will break and you either need to junk it or scour the earth and hire an expert classic video game repairman or something.  These are much cheaper but are they as cool as say, the actual antiques?  I guess if you grab the riser and shove the thing in a corner, it’s a fun conversation piece.  Otherwise, I guess I can’t really justify spending $300 on a 1990s version of Street Fighter when it’s probably available online for peanuts and brand new games are available for your modern console for at least $60.
  4. I think they should make the cabinets so you can buy as many old games as you want and download them.  Wouldn’t that be a moneymaker?  Buy your cabinet machine with your favorite old school classic characters decorating it, put in your credit card, then download your favorite games at 99 cents a pop.  Oh well, I don’t know how to do that but if you know how to do it, feel free to do it and become rich.

Ultimately, I have a feeling I’m such a geek I’ll end up getting one.  First, why is there no Pac-Man and second, which one should I get?  My heart is torn between Rampage or Street Fighter. Rampage will be more fun.  Street Fighter more stylish.

That Final Fight looks good too so I could wait.  I don’t know if I’ll get one but if I do get one I will only get one.  I just don’t have the space to have 50 of these suckers lying around.  Just one, as the fun decoration I always wanted and maybe once in a blue moon I’ll get up in the middle of the night, take a poop, play Rampage, go back to bed.

Thoughts?

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I Paid Money to Hire this Nice Cue Card Lady…

…so every so often I have to play the video, which I think came out well:

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In Case You Missed It…Is Your Girlfriend a Ninja?

Lady ninjas.  They’re everywhere and men, they’re probably in your sex life.  Sure, your girlfriend pretends that she works in some normal occupation by day but rest assured, she’s a ninja by night.

Not convinced?  From April 2016, here’s a list of warning signs to look out for.

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I got nothing

Too busy working on Toilet Gator

Movie Review – BlacKkKlansman (2018)

Put on your bell bottoms, 3.5 jive turkeys.  It’s time for a review of Spike Lee’s latest joint.

It’s the 1970s and a young Ron Stallworth (John David Washington) has become the first black police officer on the Colorado Springs force.  Alas, his dreams of defeating villains with kung-fu moves gleamed from his favorite flicks come to a grinding halt when he’s assigned to the epically boring records room.

One day, whilst fending off boredom by reading a newspaper, he spots a recruitment ad for the Ku Klux Klan.  On a lark, he calls it, requests information on how to join and down the rabbit hole he goes.

Naturally, Ron can’t show up to a KKK meeting and expect to get out alive, so he teams up with fellow officer Flip Zimmerman (Adam Driver), a man whose Jewish heritage is also not looked at fondly by the Klan.

Together, Ron and Flip become two halves of one whole klansman.  Flip infiltrates the Colorado Springs chapter of the racist hate group in person, pretending to be a fellow hater of all non-white, non-Christians.  Meanwhile, Ron handles all phone communications with the klan on behalf of the made-up klansman, and even strikes up a long, ongoing telephone friendship with the head klansman, David Duke (Topher Grace), allowing Ron to obtain all sorts of info.  He also gets Flips back, tracking the baddies and helping out where he can from behind the scenes.

I won’t give too much away but suffice to say, it’s educational, thrilling, full of action, suspense and yes, even as you might imagine based on the premise, comedy.  A scene where a police sergeant matter of factly explains to Ron that he will likely be figured out if he shows up to a klan meeting as himself is one of the funnier parts of the film.

In my opinion, this is the greatest of all of Spike Lee’s films or “joints” as he calls them.  It’s a shame it was released in August as it does have Oscar potential, though who knows, perhaps the Academy will have a long memory this year.

Shout out to Washington, who nails it in this (as far as I know) his first major big screen role.  I could be wrong on that but at any rate this is a big breakthrough performance for him.  Adam Driver continues to prove that he does his best acting when he isn’t playing Kylo Ren and Topher Grace banks on his patented ability to play smarmy weasels.

One criticism.  Nick Turturro is a great actor and has long been a regular in Spike Lee joints.  I’m not faulting him or his abilities it’s just that he usually plays characters of either Italian or Hispanic descent, usually with a New York accent and, well, here he plays one of the klansmen.

In this day and age of social media outrage, I have to be clear.  It’s not that under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t want Nick to attend your dinner party or be part of your organization, it’s just that, in this case, you have a movie that’s exposing the inner workings of a group of people who hate anyone who isn’t a WASP (white Anglo-Saxon Protestant) and in that respect, it seems like a character played by Nick would be more likely to be lynched by the klan than to be embraced by them.

I don’t know.  Again, not faulting NT as he has a number of great performances, but I think in this film, he might have been better as a cop or in a non-klan role.

Come on.  Don’t send me angry letters.  “You don’t look like you belong in the KKK” is a compliment.

A final thought – one (of many) positive messages I took from this film is that when people from different backgrounds come together, they can achieve great things.  Ron came up with the idea to infiltrate the KKK, but to pull it off, he needed Flip, as well as other police officers who assisted with equipment, surveillance, etc.

In other words, I hope one day we can reach a point where it isn’t about color or race or religion but rather, just good people doing good and keeping bad people at bay.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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I’m Depressed that No One Will Support My Bidet Initiative

What, are all 3.5 of you in Charmin’s pocket?

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Movie Review – The Voices (2015)

Your dog says behave.  Your cat says be bad.  What to do?  Why, read this review, of course.

SPOILER ALERT – I can’t really get into much of this film without giving it all away, so for now, if you haven’t seen it and your stomach isn’t turned by the thought of guts, gore, murder and also, the fact that somehow this is a comedy (a dark one) then go ahead and watch it on Netflix, then report back here to discuss in the comments.

I caught this at random, just searching through Netflix for something to watch and was surprised that I had never heard of this one.  It’s got Ryan Reynolds and Anna Kendrick and it’s been out for so long yet it fell below my radar.

Moreover, Ryan Reynolds does some honest to God acting in this flick.  You laugh, but I think that even Double-R would admit he has been depending on a snarky, over confident, self-absorbed schtick for a long time now.

Here, RR plays someone different, nay, three someones.  First, he’s Jerry, a shy, socially awkward bathtub factory worker.  To his coworkers, he’s a bit of an odd duck yet still a member of the team.

In his personal life, he’s clearly bananas.  Living in an apartment above a bowling alley, he talks to his pets – Bosco the dog and Mr. Whiskers the cat.  Bosco is Jerry’s good side so naturally, the cat is the villain.  Bosco advises Jerry to behave while Mr. Whiskers urges Jerry to give in to his deepest, darkest impulses.

Usually, Bosco wins, until a fateful night when Jerry scores a date with the babe of his dreams, Fiona (Gemma Arterton).  Alas, Jerry accidentally kills Fiona and Mr. Whiskers takes advantage of this to push Jerry over the line and urge him to kill again, this time on purpose.

Potentially in the crosshairs is Lisa (Anna Kendrick), another coworker who has harbored a longtime crush on Jerry.  Her fate will depend on whether Jerry starts paying more attention to his good pet or his bad pet.

From a writing standpoint (and look away for this is a big SPOILER), Jerry’s medication plays a big role from a “show, don’t tell” perspective.  Prior to the chaos, Jerry has been seeing Dr. Warren (Jacki Weaver) for treatment related to a traumatic childhood.

She urges Jerry to take his medication.  When he doesn’t, his world is happy, calm, peaceful.  He believes he has a pretty comfortable, sweet life, living in a nice, swanky apartment with his best four-legged buds.  Heck, the dismembered head of Fiona, now kept in his fridge, even talks to him, saying all the sweet nothings he longed to hear from her.

What happens when he takes the medication?  Reality sets in, and it’s a grim one.  The apartment isn’t a nice place to live at all.  It’s filled to the brim with filth – dog and cat poop, unwashed dishes, various warning signs that this wack job has not been taking care of himself for quite some time, as well as the bloody remains of his victim.  Worse for Jerry, his pets don’t even talk.  They’re just a cat and a dog.  And yikes!  Fiona is no longer a happy go lucky talking head but as you might have guessed, a silent, rotting head.

As Dr. Warren later explains with advice that could help everyone, no matter their level of crazy, most people hear “voices” though to most people, those “voices” come across as thoughts – ideas of self-loathing, disappointment, urges to do bad things and most people know well enough to push those thoughts aside and not be consumed by them.  Others, like Jerry, hear literal voices and create false worlds to avoid reality.

Scary, dark, funny though it seems like it shouldn’t be, the film has, surprisingly, a good message about facing reality, warts and all, learning to accept ourselves, rally around our strengths, forgive ourselves for our weaknesses, confront problems rather than pretend they aren’t there, to not live in a fantasy land because improving the real world around is often too hard.

It’s a good film where Ryan actually convinces me that he’s shy and awkward even though he’s anything but and to boot, he hams it up as an angelic dog and devilish cat.

It’s a good flick that probably deserved a little more critical acclaim than it got so its worth a watch, unless you aren’t into comedies about crazy men who talk to heads and killer kitties, then you know, don’t watch it.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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