Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Nov 14 2016
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Movies

Beauty and the Beast (2017) – Live Action Remake Trailer

Oh for the love of…

Disney is giving the live action remake treatment to Beauty and the Beast, purported to be the best story of how true love blooms despite what one looks like or don’t judge a book by its cover or what have you…

…but really it is about a French girl whose father is kidnapped by an angry dog man and then the girl trades places with her father and then she develops Stockholm syndrome and falls in love with her captor but really the only reason that love persists is because he gets turned in a handsome prince with a giant ass house and a staff of servants and a shit ton of money.

Honestly, people. You think Belle would get down with a broke ass dog monster man if he was living in a rent controlled section eight government subsidized apartment without two nickels to rub together?

“Hmm let me think if I want to be with this broke ass dog monster man and uh…no!”

Worse, Gaston, oh Gaston, yes you were a braggadocios douche but your heart was in the right place.  You heard that some broad had been kidnapped by a dog monster so you went to save her ass.

Sure, you were only saving her because you thought maybe she’d fall in love with you but stop fooling yourself, ladies, that’s why any man does anything for you. From that guy you always call when you need something heavy lifted to that stranger on the subway who just gave you a piece of gum, every man hopes that the most insignificant little bit of assistance offered to a woman is going to get him laid but oh, oh my God, let’s all be hypocrites and shit on Gaston and cheer when his ass gets thrown off a roof because he wanted to save some dame.

Boo!  Boo!

And yes I’ll probably see it.  Damn it, Disney!  You’ve hoisted me on my own petard and you get my money by making me pay to see a story you’ve already shown me yet again!

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Nov 14 2016
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state of the bookshelf

State of the Bookshelf -Taking a Poll

Happy Monday 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Out of all of my half-written started then stopped stories, which one would you like to see me work on again the most?

I’m feeling a little lost so I’d like your input.

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Nov 14 2016
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TV

BQB’s Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 4 – “Service”

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Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

SPOILERS!

So tonight was all about auditing and accounting, normally very boring subjects, but when there are two missing guns, Neegan sends Rick and the gang on a wild goose chase looking for them.

A big reveal about Judith and Maggie looks like she’s up to something.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Nov 13 2016
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Uncategorized

Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 13

Previously on Remember the Zombamo…

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Wright’s shot came nowhere near Bowie.

“Ha,” Bowie said. “You couldn’t hit a tap-dancing elephant if it were right in front of you. Let’s call it a draw and…”

Bam.

Marvin Blanchard fired. His shot was true. Bowie dropped to his knees and clutched his stomach. Blood oozed out of the wound, staining his white shirt red.

Bowie aimed at Wright, but before he could pull the trigger, the knifeman fell face first into the sand.

“Foul play, sir!” Doctor Maddox shouted.

Wright clocked the old man in the face with the butt of his pistol. Blood smeared teeth popped out of the doctor’s mouth as he fell.

The old man struggled to stand up only to have his throat stomped on by Wright’s boot heel.

“I never did care for you, Maddox,” Wright said as he put his weight down on his heel to crush the old man’s wind pipe…

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Nov 13 2016
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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Stop Blaming Others and Own Your Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m never going to stop spreading my advice to the sucky masses on how to stop sucking until the day comes when the world is entirely suck free.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my anti-suck self-help books:

This Suck Isn’t Going to Unsuck Itself

Sucking Around the World in Eighty Days

The Suck Cure

Suck Wars: The Suck Awakens

How to Deal with Suckers Who Suck

Why Do I Suck?

Why Do You Suck?

Why Does Everyone Around Me Suck?

Will I Ever Not Suck?

3.5 suckers, here’s today’s request for anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B,

I try so hard not to suck but it is not my fault. Everyone around me is a giant suck bag and they keep dragging me into their suck. I’ll never stop sucking as long as I have to be around all these sucky suckers and suck in all of their suck all day.

Really. It’s not my fault. Their suck is sucking me in.

Sincerely,

Sucks in Cleveland

Yikes. That letter really sucks, Sucks in Cleveland.

To adapt a scene from The Godfather III, it’s like you’re Michael Corleone and you thought you did everything possible to remove yourself from a world that sucks and then something happens that sucks and your response is, “Just when I thought I was out of the suck, they pull me back into the suck.”

Look. I get it. People suck. And you live in a world where people suck. It feels like the suck is unavoidable. Frankly, it often isn’t.  So much suck comes right at you from every direction.

Second hand suck is very potent. If you’re not careful, sucky people can get their suck all over you and turn you into a big fat sucker.

But you can’t resign yourself to the inevitably of suck.  You have to deflect the suck.

STEP 1 – DEFLECT THE SUCK

Often, you can’t beat the suck but that doesn’t mean you have to join the suck.

EXAMPLE:

YOUR FRIENDS: Hey, want to shoot heroin and then knock over a liquor store and punch a nun in the face?

YOU: No thank you. All of those activities sound like they would suck and I would rather not suck.

See? You’ve sidestepped the suck.

Listen, it would be great if you could talk everyone around you into not sucking but often that isn’t possible. Their suck is too strong and suckers will never stop sucking until they are ready to not suck.

In other words, you can’t really hold down all those suckers in your life and force them to not suck, but you can be there to help them when they come to you seeking advice on how to not suck anymore.

Some people just need to hit that rock bottom of suck before they will see the not sucking light and make the long climb up that anti-suck ladder.

Becoming a non-sucker doesn’t happen overnight.

3.5 READERS: But Vinny, avoiding the suck isn’t always that easy or straightforward.

Oh don’t I know it.  Case in point:

YOU: Oh I think I will do a lot of things on my day off to prevent my life from sucking. I’m going to hit the gym and then buy some broccoli at the grocery store…

YOUR FRIEND AND/OR RELATIVE WHO SUCKS: No, I want you to sit around all day and watch TV and get fat off of pizza with me…

YOU:  No, I’m going to go to the gym and…

SUCKING PERSON: Ugh but I’ll be so depressed if you leave me.  Ugh stay and let’s do some hits of elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: How did you get elephant tranquilizer?

SUCKING PERSON: Bah, I know a guy at the zoo.

YOU: Well, I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch TV and get fat and take elephant tranquilizer.

SUCKING PERSON: Waah!  You must really hate me. Waaah.

YOU: No, no. I don’t want you to feel like you suck. OK I’ll skip the gym and the broccoli and stay here and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer with you.

WRONG!

Absolutely wrong.

Don’t get sucked into a sucky person’s suck web.

I’m not saying don’t get help for a sucky person.  If you’ve got a person in your life who sucks then do what you can to help them stop sucking, but there’s never a reason to join in on the suck.

You don’t want to become suckily codependent with someone.  That’s when two people get together and decide to suck and feed off of one another’s suck.  They make you suck. You make them suck. It’s just a vicious suck cycle where the suck never ends.

Thus, in the above case, you, as a person trying their best to not suck, should set a good example and try to talk to the sucker about ways to stop sucking. See if they’d be willing to talk to a professional who can help them kick their pizza, TV and elephant tranquilizer habits, but other than that, there’s no reason to suck yourself up by engaging yourself in the suck.

Don’t take elephant tranquilizer just to make an elephant tranquilizer addict happy.  And moreover, don’t do something that you know sucks just to avoid making a sucky person feel bad.

Now I get it.  Often the second hand suck doesn’t transfer itself that obviously.

YOU: I’m going to go to the gym and the broccoli store.

SUCKY PERSON: Eh, I need you to clean the house and do the dishes, mow the lawn, wash the cat, shine my shoes, whitewash the fence, cook a nice brisket, rub the bunions on my feet, polish the caulk in the bathroom with a toothbrush, pick all the lint out of the carpet with a pair of tweezers, trim my nose hairs, develop a cure for all diseases known to mankind and skip to the lou my darling…

YOU: Holy shit.  Are you going to do anything to help?

SUCKY PERSON: Nah, I’m going to sit here and watch TV and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But I don’t want to do any of that.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s cool. Just do everything else because I’m too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But if I’m always doing everything because you’re too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer then I’ll never have time to go to the gym and eat broccoli.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s a bitch.

Sucky people are like ninjas. They are very stealthy with their suck.  Sometimes they hit you right up front with the suck stick so you see it coming but other times they sneak the suck up on you and you don’t realize that they’ve even sucked you into their suck until you already suck.

So in that case you must…

STEP 2 – WORK AROUND THE SUCK

You’ve got a real sucker in your life and they’re constantly throwing piles of suck at you.

But you don’t want to kick that sucker to the curb because you feel like people who don’t suck should always keep trying to unsuck a sucker and I feel you.

There’s nothing wrong with being a non-sucker and still loving and/or caring about a person who sucks.

So if you feel like you can’t ditch this sucker, then work around this sucker.

Get up even earlier and go to the gym.  Stay up a little later so you can go to the broccoli store.

I know. That sucks. Like an acrobat, you’re constantly dodging suck and coming up with new and creative ways to turn suck into non suck but if you’re stuck in a situation that sucks then that’s all you can do. Just keep dodging that suck and keep finding ways to make yourself not suck.

Work around that suck.  You know the suck is coming.  Don’t let the suck keep ramming into you.  Do some fancy footwork and bypass the suck.

If you really can’t then yes, sadly…

STEP 3 – DITCH THE SUCK

Yes. I know.  That thought sucks. But if the suck is truly unavoidable, you may have to put some thought into ditching that sucker.

Only you know what your sucky situation is like and only you are aware of your personal level of suck tolerance.

You don’t necessarily even have to abandon a sucker completely. You might be able to lend a non-sucky ear and a non-sucky helping hand from time to time, but if you really feel as though a sucker is dragging you down into a suck vortex, then you’ve got to jump ship and start swimming to the suck free shoreline.

In other words…

STEP 4 – ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCK

At the end of the day, life is about choices.  Some people face harder choices than others. Some people are put into sucky situations that others couldn’t possibly dream of.

But bottomline you can either sit around and suck and lament and complain about how you live a sucky life because you’re trapped by all the suckers around you or you can pull yourself up and decide that you are not going to suck and you are not going to let suckers make you suck.

I do realize that some people have more sucky suckers to deal with than others but when all is said and done, only you can decide to not do things that suck.

As always, thanks for listening, keep not sucking and don’t forget to buy my anti-suck books, now available at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

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Nov 13 2016
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TV

Walking Dead Chapelle’s Show on SNL

Hey 3.5 readers/Walking Dead fans.

BQB here.

Dave Chapelle parodied the Neegan baseball bat scene from The Walking Dead using Chapelle’s show characters.

Chapelle’s Show was so funny…like one of those rare sketch comedy shows where every sketch was hilarious.  I wish he’d made more.

Anyway, here it is:

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Nov 13 2016
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Movies

Movie Review – Shut In (2016)

It’s a diet coke version of The Shining.

Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.

What? Word count too low?

:::rolls eyes:::

Fine!

BQB here with a review of the horror thriller, Shut In.

OBLIGTORY SPOILER WARNING

You know 3.5 readers, I always assumed you all are shut ins.  After all, if you all aren’t a trio and a half of anti-social home dwelling hermits then I have no idea why else you would bother to read this blog.

Moving on…

When her mentally disturbed stepson, Stephen (Charlie Heaton who plays the creepy Jonathan Byers in Stranger Things) is injured in a terrible accident, psychiatrist Mary Portman (Naomi Watts) ends up shut in (hence the title!) her Maine home, spending her days nursing him back to health.

Meanwhile, Mary is also treating another troubled but much younger boy named Tom (Jacob Tremblay) out of her home office.

Blah blah blah. Spooky shit ensues. There’s a ridiculous amount of time wasted as all sorts of hi jinx ensue and you know Mary is in danger but they make you wait forever until finally the other shoe drops.

I’ve always been a Naomi Watts fan and it was good to see her back in action and also with some side nudity.

I know. I’m not supposed to notice such things but oh well.

Between his gig on Stranger Things and now this movie, Charlie Heaton has a lock on creepy teenager roles.

STATUS: Moderately shelf-worthy. Follows every horror movie trope. It felt a bit like a straight to streaming movie (the modern equivalent of straight to video) except Naomi Watts starred so it became theater worthy, but that’s just me talking out of my ass. It’s worth checking out but don’t rush to the theater. Worth a rental or to wait until it is streaming.

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Nov 12 2016
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Writing Prompts

BQB’s Writing Prompts Book

So I think I’m going to go ahead and do that, 3.5 readers.

Baby steps, you know.

It’ll teach me how to format a book and get it on Amazon so I’ll know by the time my first novel eventually, EVENTUALLY gets done.

The good news is I’ll be able to hook up with 99Designs for a book cover.

Do you have any ideas for a book cover for this fine writing prompts book?

Lay them on me.

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Nov 12 2016
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Tomfoolery

I’m Thinking About Becoming Amish

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Hello 3.5 Englishes,

Your old pal BQB here.

So check it out.

I’m thinking about becoming Amish for the following reasons:

#1 – Too much stress.  Too much technology.

That’s two reasons. Too much stressful technology? OK now it is one.

Cell phones were a great invention but really never should have evolved other than you have a device you can use to call someone and ask for help if you find yourself in a jam.

YES – “I’ve run my car off the road and need help!”

NO – “Hello this is your boss. I know you are on vacation but I need to talk to you on the phone right now while you are sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of a Tijuana Señor Frog’s.”

3.5 READERS: But BQB what about your blog?

Good riddance, infernal blog! Who needs you? Always pestering me to update you just to entertain 3.5 readers.

NOTE: I’m just kidding. I love you blog and 3.5 readers.

#2 – Health – Diet and Exercise

Have you ever seen a fat Amish guy? No!

Why? First they’re always exercising. But they’re not going to gym like assholes and running around on a treadmill like a goddamn hamster on a wheel are they?

No. They are not. They are raising barns and churning butter and planting crops and so on.

Shit actually happens when they exercise.

Wait. You know what? Up until like 1950 people didn’t even think to call strenuous activity “exercise.” They just called it “doing shit.”

Here’s what people were like:

CHESTER: Hey Bob! You doing some shit on your farm?

BOB: Sure am, Chester. I’m doing all this shit on my farm, then later I’m going to pickup some heavy shit and move some shit and dig up some shit and plant some shit. You off to do some shit of your own?

CHESTER: Of course. Gotta get to my farm where I will also do a ton of shit. In fact, I got a long ass fuckin’ walk to my farm and I’ll tell you even that wears the shit out of me. But once I walk to my farm I’m going to do a lot of shit.

BOB: Boy howdy, doing shit sure does keep you from becoming a fat fuck doesn’t it?

CHESTER: What’s a fat fuck, Bob? I’ve never seen or heard of one before.

BOB: I think I saw one in a picture book once. Some egghead scientist theorized that if people ever stop doing shit they’ll get really fat.

CHESTER: Aint that some shit?

 

But now we’ve got cars and computers and gadgets and shit so a lot of the heavy lifting is gone.

Second reason why you never see a fat Amish guy – they’ve got good diets.

Seriously. They don’t have Amish McDonalds. They no quiero Taco Bell. They don’t have processed foods.

You know what their food process is? They pull a damn carrot out of the ground and shove it in their suck hole and then if they want a steak they cut it off the ass of the cow that has been their family friend for years.

That in and of itself would get me to stop eating meat and become a vegetarian.

I love steak and burgers, but only as long as some nameless butcher in some factory somewhere is hacking the cow to pieces somewhere far, far away where I never see it.

If I have to hack the cow up then I’ll just eat carrots instead. I’m not going to bond with Bossy the cow and then be all like, “I’m hungry so time to die, Bossy.”

And I love chicken, especially chicken tenders and chicken nuggets…but not enough to wrap my hands around a chicken’s neck and strangle the ever loving shit out of it until I watch all of that chicken’s hopes and dreams fade from its eyes as the last bit of its life force exits its feathery carcass.

No thank you. Fuck that. Pass the broccoli.  And no matter how many reports I get that broccoli is good for you, I will never forego red meat and chicken meat in the name of broccoli unless I’m Amish.

#3 – Romance Simplified

Oh my God.  Dating is such bullshit.

Just arrange my marriage when I’m five.  Or you know what? Just let me choose.  The one in the bonnet or the other one in the bonnet.

And let her choose too. This isn’t Communist Russia.  Let her choose between me, the one in the beard and the hat or the other one in the beard and the hat.

I’m sure there is a modicum of bullshit that enters into Amish dating.

“Oh, I was going to marry Ezekiel but Jedediah has raised far more many barns!”

But that’s fine. I’ll just raise a lot of barns. At least then I know what to do. Here in the modern world women get mad at you and you never know why and even they don’t know why.

But in Amish world its simple. You just haven’t raised enough barns and you need to raise some more and then you will be able to get your hands on an Amish babe’s sweet, sweet ankle.

CONCLUSIONS

So that’s it.

Those are my three reasons.

I want to be Amish so I can kick technology to the curb, exercise more, eat less and eat more nutritious food and impress women by raising barns.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Am I on to something here? Do you want to become Amish with me?

Who’s down?

 

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Nov 12 2016
4 Comments
Movies

Movie Review – Dr. Strange (2016)

Take one part The Matrix and one part Inception, throw in a dash of Harry Potter in an alternate universe where Harry Potter is for adults and you’ve got Marvel’s latest addition to its movie list, Dr. Strange.

Presto change-o, abracadabra 3.5 readers. Hold onto your magic wand because it is time for another Bookshelf Q. Battler movie review.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

Benedict Cumberbatch stars as Dr. Stephen Strange, an egotistical surgeon whose career is cut short when his hands are badly injured.

Refusing to give up all that he’s worked for, he sets out for Nepal in search of alternative physical healing.

Instead, he learns the secrets of magic, mysticism and sorcery from the Ancient One aka Tilda Swinton.

Blah blah blah. There’s another sorcerer that Dr. Strange has to fight (Mads Mikkelsen), he has an ally (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and a love interest (the ever boner inducing Rachel McAdams).

I give kudos to Cumberbatch because he branches out in this role. We all know he’s a classical style actor and has always done a great job playing deep, intense characters.

Dr. Strange is equally intense, but he’s also a cocky, wisecracking American, a role I’m not sure Cumberbatch has played yet though some movie buff out there may prove me wrong. At any rate , he does well here as the good doctor.

I enjoyed it. At times it is confusing but the special effects are great and you can start drooling as you space out and look at the pretty colors.

The doc is one of Marvel’s lesser knowns but it appears that the Marvel/Disney alliance (though not sure alliance is the right word) can take even the most obscure Marvel characters and turn them into cinematic gold. (They were able to do it for Ant-Man so a magician must have been a cinch.)

STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Worth it to see it on the big screen as time bends, worlds shift, rules of physics are manipulated and so on. Plus I dig Rachel McAdams and I declare her the hottest of all Marvel superhero girlfriends thus far.

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