Category Archives: top ten lists

Oct 28 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a C.H.U.D.

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C.H.U.D.s

They stink.  See, the Millenials aren’t aware of this.  If you tell them a C.H.U.D. stinks, they’ll just be all like, whatever, you should just be nicer to the C.H.U.D. or hug him more or try to understand where the C.H.U.D. is coming from.

But if you’re a Gen Xer like me then you know C.H.U.D.s are no joke, and you certainly don’t want to be dating one.  Ergo, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating a C.H.U.D.

#10 – Lives in the sewer.

Dead giveaway.  There is no reason for anyone to live in a sewer.  Sounds like your boyfrined might an “underground dweller” who puts the “UD” in CHUD.  Yeah, I’m lazy.  I will no longer put the period after each letter.

#9 – He is cannibalistic.

You saw him frying up a nice hand sandwich?  No, that wasn’t a typo.  I didn’t mean ham sandwich.  I meant hand sandwich.  Look, the dude’s eating a damn hand and you’re trying to make excuses for him.  “Aww, the poor guy, he just had a bad childhood.  If I love him more, he’ll stop eating people.”

No, bitch!  You in love with a damn CHUD!  Run bitch, run!

Also, he puts the C in CHUD.

#8 – He is a humanoid.

Always date an actual human.  A human is a human.  A humanoid is a creature that has a head and arms and legs and many of the same features as a human but is not a human.  Just because it moves like a human doesn’t mean it is a human.  Get some self-confidence.  Don’t settle for humanoid.  You deserve a full blown human.

He puts the H in CHUD.  That’s right.  He is a Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller.

#7 – He is super ugly.

Well, let’s be practical.  A lot of people are ugly.  Sure, we all wish we could date supermodels but after the sex, would we have anything in common to talk about?  Probably not.  So ladies, perhaps you might want to give a guy a break if he’s bald or pudgy or not so handsome but….yeesh…holy shit girl, that dude not just ugly, he a damn CHUD!

Only you can tell the difference between ugliness and CHUDness.

#6 – Smells bad.

Most men do.  We take pride in our farts.  But is the stench natural or CHUD-like?  You be the judge.  If you have to ask, you know the answer.  Run bitch, run.

#5 – Has bright yellow eyes.

Eyes aren’t supposed to glow.  Get out of there before you’re a snack.

#4 – Has pointy teeth.

We’re not talking just a lack of quality dental care.  We’re talking pointy, human biting teeth.

#3 – The best soldiers and police officers of the 1980s don’t seem like they’d be able to stop him.

But then again, they never could in any 1980s movie.

#2 – It’s like you’ve heard of him, but don’t really know him per se.

Yeah, I’ve heard ugly people be called CHUDS hundreds of times and have even been on the receiving end.  I understand the reference but to this day I have not bothered to watch the actual movie.  It’s one of those movies where you must be a real weirdo if you’ve bothered to seek it out and watch it.

#1 – He tried to eat you.

You’re better than that.  Don’t beat yourself up about it.  Just run and also know that you’re worthy of love that doesn’t lead to you ending up in a CHUD’s colon.  I know, that’s the most beautiful thing that’s ever been said to you.  What can I say?  I have a way with words.

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Aug 30 2017
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top ten lists, Uncategorized

Is My Girlfriend a Witch?

First, I’m not asking that about Video Game Rack Fighter.  That woman is a Saint with the face of an angel.  At least I think she is.  She’s been playing Car Thief Mayhem for three weeks straight without a break not even for the bathroom. She just pees in a coffee can.

Second, just pointing out one of the top web searches leading people to this illustrious site is along the lines of “Is my girlfriend a witch?” or “my girlfriend is a witch” or “how to tell if your girlfriend is a witch?”

Listen bros.  I’m not relationship expert, but if you have to ask…

Anyway, in case you missed it, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch:

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch

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Bitches be green, y’all.

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Jul 04 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Reasons Why America is Super Awesome

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Happy 4th of July, 3.5 readers.

Today, we celebrate our independence from the evil British, with today being the anniversary of the day on which George Washington swam across the Atlantic Ocean and karate chopped King George in the nads until he signed over all rights to America.

I’m pretty sure that’s how the story goes.

Do you doubt America’s awesomeness?  Well then, you sir, must be a Communist…gasp, a British person.  Probably skulking around, just biding your time until you can make your move to retake America for the Queen and make us all eat Shepard’s pie with incredibly bad teeth and make us say “quite” instead of “very” and “cheerio” instead of “goodbye.”  There’s a redcoat hanging in your closet right now as we speak, isn’t there?  ISN’T THERE?

I’m onto your evil schemes, British person.

Anyway, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why America is Super Awesome.

#10 – The Freedom of Speech

We have it written into our Constitution and if you’ve ever wondered why America is the entertainment capitol of the world, what with a thriving movie and music industry, this is why.

Though things have become a bit more tense lately since the 2016 election, as a general rule, most Americans embrace the fact that people shouldn’t be jailed for saying what’s on their mind.

Thus, every Saturday Night, we watch a little show called “Saturday Night Live” where the rich and famous, the powerful, and yes, even the President, is openly mocked.  Not only is no one put in jail the next day, being mocked on Saturday Night Live is considered a sign that you’ve made it.

I can write this blog and say wacky things and not worry about getting jailed for it.

I’m what you’d call a “free speech purist.”  That means you have the right to say anything at all, no matter how horrible, and not go to jail.  That means you can walk through Times Square in New York City wearing a shirt that says “I Love Hitler” and should not end up in the hoosegow.

There are some people who misunderstand that.  They’ll think, “what do you love Hitler? Is that why you defend someone doing that?”  No.  Not at all.  I just think that allowing people the right to engage in foolish speech guarantees our right to engage in non-foolish speech.

The more power you give to the government to regulate speech, the more they’ll abuse it.  Today “I love Hitler” is banned.  Tomorrow, “I think the government is doing a bad job and here’s why” will be banned.

Free speech isn’t completely free.  There are limits, but they’re self imposed by society, by the marketplace of ideas.  The guy with the “I love Hitler” shirt won’t go to jail, but he probably is going to have a hard time finding a job or a date once his love of Hitler is known.  It’s better for our society to self-regulate speech than to leave that power to the government.

#9 – Big Titties

I believe it was Patrick Henry who once said, “Give me the liberty to see big titties or give me death!”

I haven’t engaged in a worldwide titty study but America has a thriving fake titty industry.  Freedom of speech=thriving entertainment industry=a lot of women get big ole fake titties in the hopes of becoming the next super star.

You can think this is a bad development if you wish but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without big titties.  This is why the American Revolution started, you know.  King George was confiscating all the titties.

#8 – It’s the best place in the world to be poor.

Yeah, I’m sorry, but it is.  I’m not saying being poor is great.  I’m not saying poor people have it good.  I’m just saying America does a lot to look out for its poor.  People can debate whether or not we can do more, but I mean, come on, if you were born in America you one the world’s lottery as it is better to be poor here than most other countries.

#7 – You Be You, I’ll Be Me

The general idea of America is that most people who came here were tired of the bullshit in the other countries.  “I don’t want to be hacked to pieces or go to war over religion, ideas, cultural clashes, etc.  I just want to get a good job, work, make money, raise a family.”

That’s it.  All there is to it.  Yes, there are many ways we can improve and we don’t always succeed but as a general rule, but the general idea is that this is a place where you can have one religion, your neighbor can have another one, your other neighbor can believe something else and yet the overall idea is we are all supposed to live and believe how we deem best but come together on the important things we can agree on.

#6 – Grocery Stores/Fast Food/Lots of Food

The good news?  Compared to many other countries, we are lousy with food.  The bad news, there are actual food scientists who sit around all day, dreaming up new ways to make me fatter.  Whenever you see a commercial for buffalo wing stuffed crust pizza, you know your ass is going to get fatter.

But, we just have to Peter Parker that shit and remember that with great power comes great responsibility.  It’s better to have a lot of food to keep people from starving, but don’t eat yourself to the point where you need a little rascal to get around.

#5 – Bald Eagles

They’re getting scarce, and that’s plain wrong.  We should set up a preserve where bald eagles can have lots of down and dirty bald eagle sex, thus preserving our nation’s symbol for generations to come.

#4 – We Defeated Hitler

I know there are a lot of skeletons in America’s closet.  Slavery, what happened to the Native Americans, etc.  There’s no shortage of stories about bad shit that went down during our nation’s infancy.

We must not forget these travesties but we should also remember the good, namely, when the world was about an inch away from being conquered and forced to eat sauerkraut and bratwurst forever, America put on its big boy pants and saved the day.

Now we only eat sauerkraut and bratwurst when we want to, not because Hitler wants us to.

#3 – Space

We’ve down so much to conquer the boundaries of space.  We’ve only scratched the surface though.  America should renew its past commitment to NASA.

#2 – Hot Dogs

Oh what?  Like you’re too good to eat a meat product comprised of butcher factory floor sweepings.

#1 – Everyone Wants to Come Here

People do like to dump on America, and they do, a lot, because, remember, we have the freedom of speech.  No place is perfect but when so many people are trying to get here everyday, you have to admit, that must be a sign we’re doing something right.

What do you think is the best about America?  Discuss in the comments.

 

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Jun 23 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating Friedrich Nietzsche

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Ahh, Friedrich Nietzsche, the father of all nihilists.

He was a philosopher.  A writer.  And most importantly, an ubermensch.

Nihilists don’t believe in anything, so do you think it is wise to be dating a nihilist when a good relationship requires that both parties believe in it?

Nietzsche died 117 years ago but, you know, he could have faked that shit.  He could be kicking around, trying to date the 3.5 readers of my rarely visited website.

Therefore, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be Dating Friedrich Nietzsche.

#10 – “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

I’m willing to bet that at some point in your life – a parent, a grandparent, a teacher, a boss, an authority figure, a mentor – said this quote to you.  Well, did you know that this quote is typically attributed to the Nietzsche?

In theory, this advice is sound.  If you go through a bad experience and don’t die from it, you have at least learned more about what you can do better to avoid a bad experience like that again.

In reality, if your boyfriend said this about the last sexual tryst you two had together, he is probably Nietzsche.

#9 – Cries out “Who’s the Ubermensch?!” in Bed

This is a simplified version of Nietzsche’s writings, but the condensed version is that by not allowing themselves to be bogged down by strict belief in God or religious/moral principles, man can take charge of his life and essentially, can do whatever he wants.  Thus, he becomes an “ubermensch” or “superman.”

If your boyfriend shouts out, “Who’s the man?” doing the horizontal mambo, then he’s just a man.  Any red-blooded heterosexual male worth his salt does that.  I do that with Video Game Rack Fighter all the time.

However, if your boyfriend shouts out, “Who’s the superman?” during the dirty deed, then he is most likely Nietzsche.

#8 – He loves music.

Direct quote – “Without music, life would be a mistake.”

Believe it or not, Nietzsche loved music.  He was a total tune junkie.  It was probably tough for him living back then because for most of his life if you wanted to hear music, you had to go listen to someone play an instrument.  Record players weren’t invented until 1877.

And even if you listened to someone play music, it was likely an instrumental piece or a symphony, which, although cool, doesn’t have the panache of, say, Sir-Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.”  All those 1800s people loved big butts but they never learned why.  Sad.

Poor Friedrich.  He might have been happier had he been born in the age of the iPod.

It’s ironic, because the man who didn’t believe in anything believed in the ability of a good jam to lift one’s spirits.

So if your boyfriend loves music, he might just be the average, good natured, creative person.  However, if he only likes listening to 1800s German compositions then he’s totally Nietzsche.

#7 – He’s crazy in love with you.

Nietzsche was a walking contradiction.  Didn’t believe in anything, yet like any other man, he chased that poon.  Poor guy.  He even struck out regularly.  He was no stranger to romantic heartache, which I assume caused him to offer up this little tidbit:

“There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.”

When you think about it, it’s insane to get into a romantic relationship with another person.  Your freedom is restricted.  You are no longer able to do what you want to do, when you want to do it.  You have to seek this person’s approval on everything.  You aren’t able to speak freely (fellas, if you think I’m wrong, try it with your wife sometime then get back to me.  You’ll owe me a Coke.)
Then again, there is some “reason to this madness.”  In a quality relationship, one that actually works out, you’ll have a person looking out for you, standing up for you, getting your back, and you know, regularly access to sex isn’t anything to sneeze at (though again, that’s assuming that you don’t end up with a cold fish who only begrudgingly tosses you a pity quickie on your birthday.)
If your boyfriend is madly in love with you, then congratulations.  Maybe you really are just that appealing.  Then again, you apparently have enough free time to read this terrible blog article so…yeah, your boyfriend is Nietzsche.
#6 – He doesn’t believe there is only one right way to do something.
Nietzsche famously said:
“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
 In theory, this sounds like a really great approach to life, a way to compromise and deal effectively with others.  After all, who cares how something gets done as long as it gets done?
Oh wait.  I know who cares.  Your girlfriend.  Men, go tell her that her way of doing something is not the only right way to do something.  Better yet, suggest your way of doing something is equally valid.
Most men experienced in the ways of the female know damn well to never say this to a woman.  If a man doesn’t know not to say this to a woman, then he’s Nietzsche.
#5 – “There are no facts, only interpretations.”
Ladies, if a fight has ever gone down in your house that sounds like this, then I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are dating Nietzsche:
GIRLFRIEND:  What the hell?  Do you want to explain why this lipstick is on your collar?  It isn’t mine!
BOYFRIEND:  Maybe that’s lipstick.  Maybe it’s raspberry jam from my morning toast.  Maybe I cut myself shaving and the blood stained my shirt. Who’s to say, really?
GIRLFRIEND:  This is lipstick!  That’s a fact!
BOYFRIEND:  There are no facts, only interpretations.
#4 – “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
The dude’s got a point there.  Your significant other may be hot as balls and you may be head over heels in love with that person, but often, that just isn’t enough.
You and your plus one must also be good friends.  Do you two get along?  Do you care about one another to avoid starting a fight?  Do you know what makes that person tick, how to make them happy?  Better yet, do you feel a desire to make that person happy?  When that person is happy, are you happy?
If you and your boyfriend are best friends, then he might be Nietzsche, and in this case, that suave, mustache sporting bastard is a keeper.
#3 – He’s his own man.
Don’t try to hold your man down, especially if he says this, which is more evidence that he might be Nietzsche:
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.  If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.  But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”
Nietzsche may be a mopey sad sack, but he marched to the tune of his own drum and he may be your boyfriend in this case.
#2 – “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.”
Did your boyfriend say this before you heard it said in The Dark Knight (2008?)  Congratulations, you’re dating Nietzsche, because this bad ass nihilist didn’t need a man in a bat suit (or his pal turned enemy Harvey Dent/Two-Face) to educate him on morality.
#1 – Free mustache rides!
Damn.  Nietzsche had one hell of a soup strainer on his lip and you know what?  I’m willing to be that all the 19th century German frauleins he met dug it big time.
You see, 3.5 readers, there was a time, right up until the 1980s of my boyhood, when a man’s machismo wasn’t judged by his muscles, or by the kind of car he drives, or his clothes, or his looks, or how fat or skinny he was, or even how good looking he was.
All that past women cared about was how big and bushy a man’s mustache was.  That’s it.  Can you grow a sweet stache?  Yes.  Good for you.  You get the cooter.  Can’t grow a stache?  Can you afford a sweet fake stache?  Good for you.  You also get the cooter.
Past women knew an important fact that today’s female is ignorant of, namely, that good mustaches make for great cunnilingus.  Nietzsche knew that and that’s why he had the biggest, bushiest stache of all time.  Oh how he made the German ladies yodel for strudel with that lip rug.
Tom Selleck.  Chuck Norris.  All the sexiest men of the 1980s had lip hair.  Ask any woman who was in her sexual prime in the 1980s and they’ll tell you the hairy lips are great for tickling hoo-hahs.
Alas, at some point towards the end of the Reagan administration, all the broads took over and they began demanding ridiculous things from us.  They want us to take care of the kids, help around the house, manscape, wax off our back hair, shave off all our facial hair.
Hell, the average woman expects her man to do nothing but stand by the mirror with a Big razor at the ready, prepared to cut a whisker down the second it grows.
If only the women of yesteryear would have educated the women of today.  All men would have big ass lip bushes like Nietzsche and women would have some happy vaginas.
You’re in doubt?  Well, let me ask you this.  Is your cooter happy?  No?  Then madam, you are clearly not dating Nietzsche.
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May 23 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Visit BookshelfBattle.com

Ahh, bookshelfbattle.com – it’s my virtual space, my online hangout, my digital stomping grounds.

If you’re reading this, you’ve already visited.  Congratulations.  You’ve shown excellent judgment and are no doubt a person of great wisdom and fantastic, upstanding moral character.

If you’re not reading this then…well, that’s messed up because if you’re not reading this then how could you be reading this?  #MindBlown

From BQB HQ in East Randomtown, USA, where all the BQB blog magic happens, its the Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Visit BookshelfBattle.com

#10 – You’re already here, so if you leave, it’s kind of rude.

Stick around awhile.  Take off your coat.  Have a drink.  Eat a cookie.  Click on a hundred links on this blog while you’re at it.

#9 – It Will Keep You Off Crack

Do I have any medical or scientific studies to prove the claim that visiting this fine website prevents people from taking crack?  No.

Are you taking crack while you’re reading this?  (Consults my Magic 8 ball.)  “All signs point to ‘No.'”

Therefore, whenever you read this website and don’t take crack while you are reading it…you’re welcome.

#8 – You Can Laugh

Or, learn what doesn’t make people laugh.  I mean, I think it’s all funny but I admit, I could just be stuck in my own personal bubble, oblivious to the opinions, thoughts and feelings of others.

It’s a good way to be, come to think of it.  Who has time to deal with the opinions, thoughts and feelings of others, especially when mine are the best and really, all that matters?

#7 – You Might Learn Something

Occasionally, this blog gets quasi-educational.  You might learn something but note the key word – “might.”

#6 – You’ll Be One of the First Few Humans to Make Contact with an Outer Space Alien

Alien Jones his no joke.  He’s from space.  Want to make all those losers who made fun of you in high school jealous?  Being one of the first few people to comment on an alien’s column is a good way to start.

#5 – Fart jokes.

So many fart jokes.

#4 – Nerds Welcome

No one can give you a wet willy, a wedgie, or a purple nurple here…because, you know, it’s a blog in an intangible written form.

#3 – BQB Will Think You’re Awesome

I really will.

#2 – You’ll Help BQB Save the World from the Mighty Potentate

The more clicks I get, the more likely the Potent One will get off of Earth’s back.

#1 – You Can Be One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers!

Truly, the most exclusive club out there.  Do you know of any other clubs with only 3.5 participants?

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May 22 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs the Machines Are Going to Take Over

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Aww, technology.  Those clanking cacophonies of nuts and bolts (Lost in Space) that make our lives easier.

But will they always make our lives easier?  Will they make our lives worse?  Will they become sentient?  Will they develop thoughts and feelings?  Will they take over?

OMG!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  THE TOASTER OVEN IS AFTER US ALL!

Oh.  Nope.  It’s just making toast.  My bad.  Sorry, toaster oven.

Anyway, the machines seem docile for now, but I’m not sure that will always be that way.  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs the Machines are Going to Take Over:

#10 – Your Fridge Tries to Feed You

Does it care about your nutrition?  No.  It’s trying to make you fat and slow so you won’t put up much of a fight during the robotic invasion.

#9 – Siri Plays Dumb

She does that now, but is she doing it because she is dumb or is she trying to frustrate you to the point of insanity?  Who knows what Siri is up to?  Siri, what are you up to?

“I’m sorry.  I don’t understand, ‘Siri, what are you up to?  Do you want me to do a web search for it?”

Oh Siri, you devious bitch.

#8 – Your Alarm Clock Never Goes Off On Time

Is it broken?  Maybe.  Or maybe it wants you to lose your job and your source of income so you can’t afford to donate to the anti-robot rebellion squad.

#7 – Social Media Sites Start Telling You Your Posts Suck

We all already know that your posts suck, but when your favorite social media sites actually tell you that they suck, then rest assured, they suck.  Also, they’re gathering all the sucky information that you are posting to figure out your sucky weaknesses and how to exploit them.  All info will be fed to the head robot.

#6 – Your Car Radio Will Only Play Crappy Stations

Thus, you’ll never want to get in your car and go somewhere and/or do something that will improve your life.  It doesn’t matter which station.  Your radio will figure out the ones you don’t like and turn them up at high volume.

#5 – Your Toaster Burns Your Toast on a Regular Basis 

You think you left it in too long?  That’s adorable.  No.  That machine is trying to burn your damn house down or alternatively, leave you malnourished because who wants to eat charcoal-like toast?

#4 – Your Television is Trying to Control Your Mind

Sure, the mass media tries to do that already, but I’m talking about the TV itself.  It’s playing weird mind control games on you all the time, even when you think you just turned it off.

#3 – Your Digital Pet is Haunting You

Remember those digital pets that were cool in the 1990s?  They were awesome for five minutes and then, eh, who cares?  But your digital pet has been waiting for you to feed him since 1999.  In fact, he kicked the bucket and now he’s back as a digital pet ghost, ready to haunt your ass until you fork over some digital kibble.

#2 – Your Computer Rejects Your Novels

Are you an inspiring writer?  Have you ever lost your work?  Maybe it’s not because you forgot to hit the save button.  Maybe it’s because your computer thought your manuscript really sucked donkey butt and didn’t want it saved on its hard drive.

Wait, maybe in this instance, the machines are saving the world!  (just kidding, your novels are wonderful.)

#1 – Your Nose Hair Trimmer Wants to Trim Your Brain

Yes, those nose hairs are really blocking up your nasal passages.  Tweezers may be more painful than a good electronic nose hair trimmer but be careful.  That nose hair trimmer might want to keep trimming until it reaches your brain!

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May 14 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten TV Mothers

Super-Mom

Happy Mother’s Day, 3.5 readers.

Why are you reading this sad little blog for?  Why aren’t you out there, honoring the woman who squeezed you out of her cooter with a nice Mother’s Day brunch?

Sheesh.  I have to tell you people how to do everything.

Anyway, in honor of this fine day, I present to you, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten TV Mothers of All Time:

#10 – June Cleaver (Barbara Billingsley) – Leave it to Beaver

TV scholars may be able to tell me if there was a more prominent TV mother before June, but I do believe June was one of the first and so, she essentially started it all.  Ward always got his paper after work.  Beaver and Wally always got dinner.  June made it all happen, even while putting up with tomfoolery from Wally’s friend, Eddie Haskell.

#9 – Ruth Martin (June Lockhart) – Lassie

Mothers are often caused a great deal of heartache by their children, and I don’t think there was another mother that was cause as much anguish as Ruth was caused by that little dumbass Timmy.

Most 1950s kids were able to play outside without getting into too much trouble, whereas  Timmy couldn’t walk five feet without falling down a well, falling off a cliff, getting attacked by some woodland creature, getting kidnapped by bandits or what have you.

Luckily, Ruth was always able to depend on trusty family collie dog Lassie to save the day and frankly, Timmy should have gotten Lassie a mother’s day card as she was like his furry assistant mother.

But seriously.  It must have sucked for Ruth.  The woman wasn’t able to put her feet up for five minutes without Lassie coming into the room to woof some troubling news about her soon to her.

LASSIE:  Woof, woof!

RUTH:  Lassie, what is it girl?

LASSIE:  Woof!

RUTH:  Timmy fell down a well?

LASSIE:  Woof, woof!

RUTH:  And was kidnapped by bandits?

LASSIE:  Woof!

RUTH:  And he was attacked by a mountain lion?

LASSIE:  Woof!

RUTH:  Holy shitballs.  You know what?  Fuck this.  I’m just going to chain Timmy up in the front yard from now on and give you his room, Lassie.

#8 – Claire Huxtable – Phylicia Rashad – The Cosby Show 

OK, 3.5 readers.  Let’s just address the elephant in the room.

Did Bill Cosby apparently, allegedly, whatever legal modifier you want to add here, did he apparently drug a bunch of women for the purposes of doing the freaky deaky with them without their consent?

:::shakes my magic 8 ball:::  “All signs point to yes.”

But you know who didn’t do any of that?  Phylicia Rashad.  On a groundbreaking, hilariously funny, ahead of its time TV show that little 1980s kids like me watched every Sunday, Clair Huxtable was the working mom who had it all.  Somehow, she balanced her schedule well, allowing her to try big important New York cases by day and still raise her band of adorable cherubs by night.

Plus, she took no guff from Cliff.  There was a clear, deep, meaningful love between Clair and Cliff and they portrayed the struggles that many parents were able to relate to – i.e., balancing the love they had for their children while holding back the temptation to slap them silly whenever they did something stupid and oh lord, how the Cosby children did many stupid things.

Theo always wanted to drop out of school.  Rudy was always picking on Bud.  Vanessa was always narcing on everyone.  Denise was boy crazy.  Sondra took her parents’ money to go to law school, then quit lawyering to open up a camping store with her dopey husband Alvin.

Such is the life of a parent.  Your kids disappoint you constantly, but you must love them anyway.  Clair gave swift verbal kicks to the behind to her children and husband early and often, never mean but always with firm, fairness and love.

Drop that hoagie, Cliff.  Too much salt.

#7 – Marge Simpson (Julie Kavner) – The Simpsons

Poor Marge.  She was so studious in the 1960s, as well as the 1990s as the show has rebooted the “How Marge and Homer Fell in Love Story” at least a couple of times now.

She wanted to do great things with her life but alas, one romp between the sheets with dumbass Homer left her raising a spikey haired demon boy and donut chomping moron for the rest of her life.

Even worse, she’s been waiting forever for a reprieve to come her way in the form of her kids growing up and moving out of the house but surprisingly, Maggie has been a baby, Bart has been 10 and Lisa 8 for almost 30 years now!

Marge, you may want to take your kids to see Dr. Hibbert.  They may have stunted growth from second hand donut crumbs.

Bonus points to Marge for being able to maintain such a tall, stylish blue beehive while having to deal with so much mischief.

#6 – Peggy Bundy – (Katey Sagal) – Married with Children

Don’t get me wrong, 3.5 readers.  The women’s rights movement, was overall, a great thing that improved the lives of many a woman.

But…there was a loophole, one that by the time the 1980s rolled around, some (note that I said ‘some’ and not ‘a lot of’) savvy women like Peggy Bundy were exploiting the ever loving crap of.

Women had choices.  If they wanted to, they could still choose to stay at home and raise a family and take care of the house.  Or, if they wanted to, they could go out into the world, trailblaze their way into a career, and become empowered as they bring home the bacon.

Peggy Bundy did neither.  She split the difference by staying home and doing nothing…literally, absolutely, positively…nothing.

The days when it was considered appropriate to complain to your stay at home wife that the house was a mess and there was no dinner on the table were gone.

Al Bundy (Ed O’Neill) found himself at a new stage in human history, namely, the one where the husband is just expected by everyone to suffer while his loophole exploiting wife (and again, I’m not saying every or even many women do this) doesn’t bring any money into the household so he has to work more but also doesn’t lift a finger to help out, so he still has to wash his own clothes, do his own dishes, cook his own food, etc.

Men unfortunate enough to find themselves with a wife like Peggy are expected to suffer in silence.  Can’t complain that she’s not making money because it’s her choice.  Can’t complain that she didn’t clean up the house because damn it, don’t you know women are more than homemakers now?

Al, of course, was never one to suffer in silence.  While Peggy sat at home and watched TV and ate bon bons all day in the same red beehive hairdo and leopard print outfit, he’d slave away all day at the shoe store, taking all manner of abuse from overweight women who hated his guts because he wasn’t able to help them find a shoe to their liking.

Al would complain vociferously that Peg would never cook or clean or do anything for him but the days of the 1950s where people gave a shit about the plight of the starving, dirty shirt wearing man were over.

Yes, there are plenty of women who choose to stay at home and they do a bang up job of making sure their husbands and kids always have something to eat and clean clothes to wear.

Yes, there are plenty of women who go to work and bring up fat stacks of cash so their families can buy all the stuff they want.

Yes, there are even plenty of women who go to work, make those fat stacks of cash, and still go that extra mile to keep the household running like clockwork.

But, there’s also a slim minority of women who manage to game the system.  Women like the Pegster, who just get their money by stealing their husband’s wallets (Al always had to hand onto his for dear life) and then allow their homes to fester into stinking piles of crap while they watch television, grow their beehives out and complain about their husbands, i.e. the only people who are doing anything to help anyone in the family.

You almost have to applaud Peggy for being smart enough to figure out how to game the system.

#5 – Roseanne (Roseanne Barr) – Roseanne

Yes, the 1980s brought us shows that broke the “perfect family” convention.  Married with Children was one such show and Roseanne was another.

Roseanne Connor definitely took the June Cleaver mold and broke it, then threw the pieces into the trash can.

Like many families, hers was dirt poor.  Husband Dan (John Goodman) was always out of work or underemployed.  He tried his best but work was hard to come by and didn’t pay much when he found it.  She supplemented the family’s income by waitressing, working at a factory run by a young George Clooney with black hair and doing all sorts of minimum wage slave jobs.

She did not do it with a smile on her face and she did not suffer fools lightly.  Whether at work or at home, she took no crap from anyone.  On a regular basis, she told bosses, kids, husband and wacky sister Jackie where to stick their problems – right up their butts, because she was too busy and exhausted to baby them.

Sure, she always found time to bail everyone out of a jam but those who crossed her met with her wrath.

It was a show people could relate to.  People were poor.  They had jobs and home life responsibilities.  They were tired.  No one had the time anymore to gussy themselves up like June Cleaver.  Mom didn’t just have to work to be empowered.  She had to work just to keep the family from going under.  No one had time to June Cleaver anything.

#4 – Elyse Keaton (Meredith Baxter Birney) – Family Ties

Ahh, the 1980s.  The Reagan Era.  The time when the stock market was booming, businesses were exploding with profits and there was a new renaissance of commercial expansionism.  Simply put, the country was raking in dough hand over fist.  Yuppies (young urban professionals) were everywhere and the country lived by Gordon Gecko’s Wall Street mantra, “Greed is good.”

It was a tough time for ex-1960s flower children like Steven (Michael Gross) and Elyse Keaton.  They were parents now, so they had to put away their tie dye shirts and protest signs and actually get jobs to make money for their families, i.e. they had to “work for the man,” something they swore they’d never do at Woodstock.

Even worse, they had to watch their kids, Alex (Michael J. Fox) and Mallory (Justine Batemen) become capitalist, commercialist little shits.

While Steven and Elyse had spent their youths fighting the power and standing up to the man, their kids had become total squares.  Alex was a money obsessed Reaganite who was counting down the days until he could leave and run off to Wall Street.  Meanwhile, while Mallory wasn’t smart enough to care about Wall Street, she was a greedy consumer, a mall, boy, shopping obsessed teenage girl who could care less about the latest cause because she was too busy finding the best outfit.

Yup.  That was the 1980s, where the kids had become lamer than their parents.

Somehow, Elyse kept the family going.  She was an architect who designed buildings by day and took care of her family by night.  You can take the girl out of Woodstock but you can’t take the Woodstock out of the girl.

#3 – Kitty Forman (Debra Jo Rupp) – That ’70s Show

Poor Kitty.  It was the 1970s and she had to deal with perpetually angry husband Red (Kurtwood Smith) always threatening to put his foot up the ass of their wayward son, Eric (Topher Grace).  On top of that, she worked as a nurse where patients she’d gotten attached to would die all the time.  Did I mention that daughter Laurie (Lisa Robin Kelly) was a big time ho bag with a penchant for allowing herself to be used by unscrupulous older men?

Oh, and there was always, literally always a plethora of kids in her basement aka Eric’s friends whose parents weren’t up to snuff so she had to mother all of them as well.

Yet somehow, Kitty put up with all of this with a smile on her face…literally a big, bright beaming smile and a nervous laugh whenever things got out of hand.  She was a “smile when your heart is aching” kind of gal but once in a blue moon she would lose her cool and explode all over whoever was causing trouble, often to hilarious results.

#2 – Carol Brady (Florence Henderson) – The Brady Bunch

Carol Brady.  She was the mom of the type of family that “the Man” didn’t want to admit existed – mixed, blended families where Moms and Dads got together and brought their children from previous marriages with them.

Society didn’t approve.  Apparently, women who were divorced or widower men who had lost their wives were just supposed to sit around and be depressed all day and never find love again.   But Mike and Carol defied convention and made TV history in the process when they got together and formed the Brady Bunch.

Carol ran the family like a boss.  Hell, she even subcontracted her motherly duties to housekeeper Alice because those were the days when it was considered socially acceptable to hire a random old lady to clean your house and parent your kids for you, pay her a salary that was the rough equivalent of the leftover pocket change in your couch cushions so you could spend your time on more important things like finding stylish 1960s lady pantsuits with bell bottom cuffs.

Yup.  Carol was the woman that every 1960s kid wanted as their mother, even though she got Alice to do all the mothering for her.  Ain’t no one got time for that shit.

#1 – Shaft (Richard Roundtree) – Shaft

Oh, what?  A man can’t be a mother?  You simple minded bumpkins need to shape up and get woke.

No, Shaft didn’t have time to raise any damn kids.  He was too busy solving mysteries, fighting crime, and getting down with fine ass 1970s babes.

Still, the theme song speaks for itself:

Shaft Theme Song (Sung by Isaac Hayes)

ISAAC:

Who’s the black private dick
That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?

CHORUS:

Shaft!

ISAAC:

You’re damn right!

Who’s  the man that would risk his neck for his brother, man?

CHORUS:

Shaft!

ISAAC:
Can ya dig it?

Who’s the cat that won’t cop out when there’s danger all about?

CHORUS:

Shaft!

ISAAC:
Right on.
You see this cat Shaft is a bad mother

CHORUS:

Shut your mouth!

But I’m talkin’ about Shaft.

CHORUS:

Then we can dig it.

ISAAC:

He’s a complicated man but no one understands him but his woman

CHORUS: John Shaft.

Yup.  Shaft might have been all man, but you can’t argue with a good theme song.  He was the baddest mother around.

Did I miss your favorite TV mother, 3.5 readers?  You can leave your own tribute to her in the comments.

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May 08 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Things I Would Do If I Could Become a Time Traveler

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Ahh, time travel.  To dare to surpass the surly bounds of time and space and end up in a different time period that this one.

The experts say that time travel could be reckless!  Every thing happened for a reason even the slightest change could destroy life as we know it.

Meh.  Who cares?  Throw caution to the wind, I say.  When it comes to time travel, I go balls out or I go home.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Random Town, it’s the Top Ten Things I’d Do if I Could Become a Time Traveler:

#1 – Change shit.  Like a lot of shit…with reckless abandon for no rhyme or reason.

Give an iPad to a caveman!  Give Napoleon a wedgie!  Kick Genghis Kahn in the nads!

Fart in the presence of Queen Victoria.  Pick a flower from the Jurassic period and plant it in 1702.

Kidnap a dinosaur and ride it into an Ancient Trojan battle.

Sneak into Einstein’s office and move things around without telling him.

Switch out George Washington’s wooden teeth for state of the art dentures.

Visit Jesus at the Last Supper and give everyone Big Macs.

#2 – Bang Hot Historical Chicks

Possible talent includes:

  • Marie Antoinette – Easily bribed with cake.
  • Cleopatra – “De Nile” might be a river in Egypt, but that fine ass Queen won’t be denyin’ this time traveling stud muffin.
  • Joan of Arc – Yes she was holy.  However, she was also a French chick so, you know…
  • Queen Elizabeth – Not the current one, the one that was the daughter of Henry the Eighth.  Her Dad was so obsessed with leaving behind a male heir that he lopped off the heads of many a wife and even changed England’s entire religion.  So yeah, there was a lot of pressure for Lizzy to keep the throne in the family.  In other words, I think she probably could have used a friend with benefits, a little casual fling with no strings attached.  I don’t want England.  I just want that royal booty.
  • Lady Godiva – Total slut if you can get her off that horse.

#3 – Tell Historical People How the World Turns Out in the Future, then Laugh at Their Reactions

“We’ve figured out how to drop contraptions out of the sky that are capable of destroying entire cities.  We have mechanical transports that can be used to move us from place to place.  We’re all super fat, they’ve got pills that can give you boners (sorry, historical people, ‘apothecary renderings that can engorge a man,’) the leader of the greatest nation in the world has talked about his penis in public, and women act like they’re the boss of everyone!  WTF, am I right?”

#4 – Sit in the Back of Movie Theaters from the Past and Shout Out Spoilers

Also works with plays.  “Hey, Lincoln!  Behind you!”

#5 – Visit the Future

There are a lot of questions about the future that I don’t want to leave hanging.

What will future people be like?  Will the world be better?  Will it be worse?

Will there be inventions that people today never could have conceived of?

Will future people think we are awful?

Will the future be worse?  We will regress into a Mad Maxian apocalypse world?

Will the world be run by damn dirty apes?

Will scientists ever invent robot hookers?  (If they do, I’m staying the future.)

#6 – Warn Past People of Upcoming Tragedies

Experts say you’re not supposed to do this, that horrible events, as bad as they are, happened and to change them is to throw off the whole space-time continuum.  Things happen for reasons we’ll never fully understand and who knows if changing the outcome of one event could cause a negative impact on the future?

But honestly, screw all that, because I keep it real and not warning people when you know some shit is about to go down just seems like a dick move.

Warnings I would give include, but are not limited to:

  • “Hey Europe.  Is it me or does this Hitler fella seem like a real turd sandwich?  Better keep an eye on that guy.  Appeasement doesn’t seem to be the way to go.  Maybe, just maybe, if he tries to march into Poland, y’all might want to get together and raise a stink about it.”
  • “Attention all Irish people.  Make your cows and chickens hump more so you can have more meat to eat because some shit’s about to happen with your potatoes.”
  • “Hey, everyone in 2001!  See those dudes with the box cutters about to get on those planes?  Let’s cock punch ’em!”
  • “Archduke Ferdinand, JFK, RFK, MLK…DUCK!”
  • “Hey Titanic travelers, why the rush?  Let’s smoke a doobie and wait for the next ship.  Europe will still be there.”
  • Alternatively – “Hey Captain Buttface!  Iceberg straight ahead!”

#7 – Take famous works from today.  Give them to my past self.   Reap the benefits.

What?  That’s stealing?  How dare you insult me, Bookshelf Q. Battler, writer of such famous songs as “What Does the Fox Say?” and “Baby Got Back?”  Why, I’d give you a stern talking to, but I must cash my royalty checks from sales on my new novel, The Hunger Games.  By the way, did you catch that new movie?  You know, Avatar.  Totally wrote the script for it.

#8 – The same thing as #7, but with inventions.

BQB here.  Inventor of the iPhone, the iPad, the drone, the cronut (half croissant/half donut), social media and Kim Kardashian’s extra strength panty hose.

#9 – Tell My Past Self to Blog Sooner

I really thought blogging was a dumb idea.  So far, I haven’t made any money yet, but what I lack in dollars, I make up in readers.  3.5 readers to be exact.

But seriously, the more you blog, the faster your blog grows.  Start sooner, rather than later.

#10 – Give My Past Self A Lot of Advice

This is actually a serious one, although I wasn’t joking about getting busy with Marie Antoinette.  I can picture her yelling, “Sacre Bleau, Mon Dieux, Ooo la la!” with that big tall hairdo waving all over the place.

But I digress.  I feel like at every point in my past where I was called upon to make a decision, I made the wrong one.  Granted, I have no idea if the other decision would have fared any better, but the path I took led me to working at Beige Corp and owning a blog read by only 3.5 readers, so advice to my former self as to some decisions he ought to change might improve my future.

Then again, I might just end up working at McDonalds and owning a blog read by 2.5 readers.

Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side because it actually is greener.  Then again, sometimes the grass on the other side looks greener because it is being fertilized by a lot of poop you’re going to step in.

What would you do if you could become a time traveler, 3.5 readers?  Let me know in the comments.

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May 07 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Favorite Disney World Restaurants

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Ahh, Disney World.  Loved it when I was younger.  Don’t quite get why people continue to flip out about it way into their adulthood now that I’m older.

Except for the food.  OK.  I get the appeal if we’re talking about the food.  Disney World isn’t just about the rides.  It’s about stuffing your face, for Mickey Mouse puts out one damn fine spread.

Sure, you’re already being charged an arm and a leg for your room, for park admission, for souvenirs, for that bottle of water that you don’t want to take out a loan for but you break down and get it anyway because it’s so damn hot…all that could make you go for some of Mickey’s cheaper fast food options.

But hell, if you’re down there and opening your wallet anyway, you might as well treat yourself.  Ready for BQB’s Disney restaurant recommendations?  Cool.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are my Top Ten Favorite Places to Eat in Disney World:

#10 – The Earl of Sandwich – Disney Springs (Formerly Downtown Disney)

Why the heck did they have to change Downtown Disney to Disney Springs?  I know they really built up the place in recent years, but “Downtown Disney” sounded cool and hip whereas “Disney Springs” sounds like I’m going to get a massage or something.

Anyway, this is the area where Disney visitors can do mad shopping and crazy eating.  While this list will be mostly devoted to sit down restaurants, I must add it because I love it and I try to get there at least once during a Disney sojourn.

Usually, other dummies in my party will be shopping, spending hours comparing one Mickey shirt to another or some other such stupid activity, so I will sneak away and get one of the Earl’s fantastic sandwiches.  They must be good, since the Earl invented them, after all.

I’ve had their meatball sandwiches and their Thanksgiving sandwich with turkey, cranberry sauce and stuffing.  The former was great but the latter is what I get every time and probably always will from now on.  Have fun looking at the Mickey shirts, dummies, BQB is getting a sandwich.

#9 – Le Cellier Steakhouse – Canada – Epcot

Oh Canada!  My home and native land!  True patriot love…and something with maple syrup on it!

You gotta get yourself a reservation here.  Actually, important tip.  You pretty much need to get yourself a reservation at any restaurant that’s worthwhile in the House of Mouse.

Delicious steaks that taste like they were cut straight from the cow’s butt.  And cheese soup.  Mickey and I have something in common: we both love cheese and we often walk around in our shorts with no shirt on.

#8 – Boma – Animal Kingdom Lodge

The cool thing about Disney World is it has its own transportation system, so even if you aren’t staying at one particular hotel, you can still visit another one if there’s something cool there you’d like to check out.

In this case, I recommend you check out the breakfast buffet at Boma in the Animal Kingdom Lodge.  Come for the eats, stay for the Guava juice.  Mmm, that’s good guava!

#7 – Beaches and Cream – Disney Beach Club

Disney has a super expensive, ultra swanky hotel called Disney’s Yacht and Beach Club.  One part is the Yacht Club.  One part is the Beach Club.  I stayed there one time as a youngster and felt like I was frigging Thurston Howell or something.  Funny, back then, I said, “When I’m an adult I’ll have so much money I’ll be able to stay at places like this for months on end!”

But yeah, now I just run a blog for 3.5 readers, so that never happened.  Boo!  Up your nose with a rubber hose, failed life plans!

Anyway, you don’t have to stay there to eat here, though yeah, get a reservation.  It’s a cool little 1950’s style Ice Cream Shoppe.  Stop watching your waist line.  Eat ice cream.  You’re on vacation.

#6 – AMC Fork and Screen Theaters – Disney Springs – West Side

Some people may not count a movie theater as a good place to dine but what do they know?  As a movie buff, I think the AMC theater at Disney Springs – West Side is one of the best theaters I have ever visited and no matter how packed it gets, I have yet to have to suffer neck pain by sitting up front.

If you don’t get the dining option, they have those fabulous seats that are like mini-couches you can recline in.  Plus, they have those Coca Cola Freestyle machines where you can push all sorts of buttons in order to flavor your carbonated beverage to your personal desire.  Such a fun way to put yourself on the path to diabetes.

If you do choose the dining option, you get a pretty cool place to sit, and a menu and a call button.  Watch that movie, hit that call button, and your waitress will just bring you all kinds of food, popcorn, soda, snacks, she’ll pretty much put a funnel in your mouth and cram it all down your cake hole until your movie is over if you want.

#5 – Crystal Palace – Main Street USA – Magic Kingdom

Great buffet.  There are several character breakfasts where you can eat Mickey shaped waffles and have Mickey and friends come to say hello to everyone at the table.  This is a pretty good one as you can start your day early at the Magic Kingdom and then get off to the rides. ‘Ohana, located at the Polynesian Resort, is my other favorite place for a character breakfast.

#4 – Disney’s Spirit of Aloha Dinner Show

Speaking of the Polynesian Resort, this place is basically like stepping into Hawaii.  They have a luau dinner show with hula dancing, all kinds of awesome tricks, many of which involve fire.  I mean, tricks with fire, people, what more do I have to say?  You’ll definitely need a reservation.  You can’t just walk right into this one.

#3 – STK Orlando

This is a fairly new one and I was a little iffy on it at first.  It’s totally hipster.  Like imagine a restaurant invented by a dork with a fedora with a neckbeard and this is the restaurant you’d get.  The lighting is low, the ambience is trendy but the food is pretty tasty.  All kinds of steaks with different options to get your steak, plus other food as well.  I don’t know if it was just our waiter who made the experience great and perhaps you need that exact waiter to make it a good experience, but he was like a food genius who could tell you every little thing about the food.  Kids probably won’t like it though.

#2 – Rainforest Cafe – Animal Kingdom

Sure, they have them all over the country, but if you haven’t been to one yet, you should go to this one.  Good food.  Automatronic animals doing wacky things.

#1 – T-Rex – Disney Springs

Who doesn’t love dinosaurs?  The kids will love this one.  All kinds of automatronic dinos wreak havoc as you shove prehistoric themed food down your pie hole.  Just don’t become the T-Rex’s dinner.

HONORABLE MENTION:

There’s a fantastic ice cream place in France in Epcot I love.  I usually have to go there once.  I blame Epcot for my fatness.  They swore they were going to teach me about science and the world but they just made me fat.

Also, one time, many moons ago, I ate lunch at the ESPN Club on the Boardwalk and got to see the taping of a live sports radio show while doing so.  Not sure if they still do that but I assume so.  I ate something called a “Dinger Sandwich” which was a word I was surprised to see on the menu and I made fun of it for the rest of the trip but apparently it is a golf term.  Worth checking out if you are into sports.

Coral Reef at Epcot – eat, watch the fish, sometimes a diver will even swim by.

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May 05 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be an Axe Murderer

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Ahh, the axe.  That most important wood chopping tool.  Good for cutting trees down to size.

Oh those pesky trees.  They think they’re so smart.

Alas, every tool with a good use can be misused.  People use forks to eat spaghetti…but they also use them to eat tuna noodle casserole.  Bleh.

People use their remote controls to tune in to Game of Thrones...but in the earlier part of this decade, they also used them to tune in to Whitney.  Double bleh.

The axe!  Yes, when it comes to providing us with wood, it’s second only to Blake Lively in the buff.  Punny!

But axes can also be abused.  Why, for all we know, your girlfriend might be using to chop up people into itsy, bitsy, teeny, tiny pieces right now!

(NOTE:  My lawyer advises me that statically speaking, it’s highly unlikely that she is.  However, if you think she is, you shouldn’t confront her directly but rather, should take your concerns to the police.)

Yikes.  Gotta cover your butt in this ridiculously litigious society.

Anyway, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be an Axe Murderer:

#10 – She Owns an Axe

That’s pretty suspicious.  Unless she lives in Canada, where the trees grow tall and thick and people have to chop down twenty trees every day just to get to work, there’s really no reason for her to own one.

Is she a wood chopping enthusiast?  Does she make a lot of fires in the fireplace?  No?  Hmm…not entirely conclusive but still, very curious.

#9 – You Wake Up Every Night to the Sound of Blood Curdling Screams Coming From Your Basement

Sure, those could be the last desperate cries for help from your axe murdering girlfriend’s many, many victims.  However, it’s probably just her crying about what a terrible boyfriend you are.  I mean, I don’t want to tell tales out of school, but I’ve heard that you really suck at boyfriendery.  You should work on that.

#8 – There’s Blood on the Axe

Depends.  Do you live on a farm?  Maybe she just lopped off a chicken’s head so she can make you a delicious dinner.  Oh, stop being so dramatic!  Where do you think chicken nuggets come from?  Do you think that Ronald McDonald magically pops those things into a cardboard box with some tasty dipping sauces with his magic clown wand?

No.  We’re talking mass chicken murder here.  Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders are like the Hitler and Stalin of chicken-dom.

But I can’t complain.  They make tasty bird meat.  Actually, KFC does.  McDonalds, I’ll just eat those nuggets because they’re there and then I’ll wonder why I hate my body so much to do such a terrible thing to it.

At any rate, I wouldn’t just automatically assume that the blood on the axe is a human or has some kind of sinister origin.  When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me, but mostly you, because I’m not the one dating an axe murderer, chief.

Moving on…

#7 – Screams, “I’m Going to Kill You!” On a Regular Basis 

Maybe she means that she’s literally going to kill you with an axe but then again, what woman has never screamed this sentence at her man before?  Let she who has not threatened murder of her significant other in jest cast the first stone.

#6 – She Named the Axe

Did she give the axe a name?  Mr. Choppy, perhaps?  Hmm…a sentimental attachment to a possible murder weapon.  Suspicious…though inconclusive.  Maybe she’s just weird.

#5 – Takes Selfies with the Axe

This could be a problem though axe or not, if she makes that stupid duck bill smoochie face in said selfies, I’d dump her anyway just on principle.

#4 – Sleeps with the Axe

Maybe she does this because she’s planning on axing you while you sleep.  I recommend the following line of questioning:

YOU:  Honey, you wouldn’t happen to be planning on chopping me to pieces in a gruesome manner with that axe, would you?

GIRLFRIEND:  No, silly!  Tee hee!

Although, do keep in mind, people who are able to chop up other people with axes are usually not above lying.

Tread lightly, as maybe there is a legitimate reason why she sleeps with an axe.  Maybe when she was young, an axe murderer tried to axe her and now she sleeps with an axe in case she has to spring to her feet in the middle of the night and take on an axe murderer in a furious round of axe on axe combat.  Bet you never thought of that, did you, you paranoid, insensitive prick?

Still…either way, might be best for you to sleep somewhere else.  One wrong move in a bed with an axe in it and you could end up singing soprano.  Mi mi mi mi mi!!!

#3 – She Has Told You That She is An Axe Murderer

Hmm, a rare axe murderer who has decided to be honest with you and invite you into her world of axe murdery.  Or, maybe she told you in a moment of weakness and later she will realize that she must axe you in order to cover her axe tracks.

Ultimately, every person has their moral failings and it will be up to you to decide whether or not you can handle all of the horrendous moral implications of dating an axe murderer.

I mean, think about all of the ethical dilemmas you will face.  Should you turn her in?  If you don’t, you’re as guilty as she is because you could have stopped her victims from being axed by calling the cops yet you did nothing.  Could you really be with someone so evil?  How could you ever sleep knowing she might axe you?

On the flip side…does she have big boobs?

No!  No!  Stop it!  You CANNOT stay with a lady axe murderer for any reason and not even if she has gigantic sweater cannons.

But seriously, motor boat those puppies on the way out the door, then go tell the cops.

#2 – There’s a Head in the Freezer

What kind of bullshit is this?  Why would you stay with a woman that would put an axe chopped human head in a perfectly good freezer, right on top of all your frozen deep dish pizzas and Lean Cuisines?

You should leave her for getting blood all over your popsicles…oh and also, because she chopped off a dude’s head and stuck in the freezer.  That goes without saying.

#1 – She’s Standing Over You Right Now…As You Are Reading this Fine Blog!

Argh!  OMG!

Whatever you do, DO NOT PANIC.  Stay right there.  Be cool.  Don’t make any sudden moves.

Just listen carefully and I’ll tell you what you need to do.  Very slowly, very carefully….reach for your computer…and then click on my website a hundred times because I could really use more hits on this excellent blog.  My genius is going unrecognized, here.

Oh, and then run or something.  I don’t know.  What do I look like?  An anti-axe murderer combat expert?

DISCLAIMER:  Sure, this post was meant as a joke but axe murderer is no laughing matter, people.  According to the Fake Institute for Bogus Statistics, 11,000 people are gruesomely axe murdered every three seconds.

Don’t go around being some wacko vigilante, accusing your girlfriend of being an axe murderer.  But, if you think your girlfriend might be an axe murderer, then contact the nearest anti-axe murderer law enforcement agency.  Ask them to send their best axe murderer catchers right away.

 

 

 

 

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