Category Archives: top ten lists

May 02 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Politically Correct Yo Momma Jokes

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Ah, the Yo Momma joke.  What is it about a good Yo Momma joke that can leave an opponent fuming with anger?  Perhaps the strength of these jokes, in an ironic way, displays the love people have for their mothers.  After all, these jokes make people mad because people love their mothers.  You might disagree, but when was the last time you ever heard someone tell a “Yo Papa” joke.  Probably never.

Oh, the happy memories I have of gathering together with my fellow school chums as we made inappropriate jests about each other’s mothers.

But times have changed.  It is necessary to be politically correct now.  Safe spaces.  Trigger warnings.  All are necessary to be a woke citizen of 2017 (or current year.)

From BQB HQ in East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Politically Correct Yo Momma Jokes:

#10 – Yo Momma is So Fat…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother is so obese that I considered referring her to a reputable weight loss program.  However, I realized that she’s perfect just the way she is and that I am the one with the problem for thinking otherwise.  Ergo, I will seek a support group for people who are literally Hitler who are trying to stop being literally Hitler.

#9 – Yo Momma is So Poor…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother is so poor and personally, I blame this horribly oppressive capitalist society we live in, the one that, as we all know, is run by the top one percent.

#8 – Yo Momma is So Stupid…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother’s lack of a formal education, though no fault of her own due to our failing public school system, which, by the way, the failure of which is no one’s fault but the top one percent who refuse to poor more money into our nation’s failing schools, is threatening her empowerment as a woman.  If she so chooses, I would gladly recommend a GED program, but I hope she understands I am in no way insinuating that she is somehow less than anyone else who holds a degree of any kind.  After all, we are all special in our own unique ways.

#7 – Yo Momma is So Ugly…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother, while not bearing a strict resemblance to what society  deems to be, quote unquote, “beautiful,” should rest assured that beauty is nothing more than a societal construct, with no actual bearing in reality.  Beauty can mean many different things to different people and therefore, your mother qualifies as beautiful and should not be led to believe otherwise.

#6 – You Momma is Such a Ho…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, I’ll have you know that I heard a rumor that your mother is of a promiscuous character.  However, I shall have you know that I told the gossipy rapscallion that slut shaming is by far one of the most offensive trends to grip our nation and no reputable person of good character and moral decency should be engaging in it.  Promiscuity is a non-existent concept and your mother is of a sound mind and therefore, she should be free to exercise her own free will regarding her sexual needs without fear of judgment from others who have not had to walk in her shoes

#5 – Yo Momma is So Smelly…  

TRANSLATION:  Sir, it has come to my attention that your mother’s hygiene habits may be sub par.  Then again, let he who has never skipped brushing his teeth or taking a bath cast the first stone.  By the way, when I say, “cast the first stone,” I realize that some may construe that statement in a religious context.  I apologize to those who are offended by that interpretation and ask them to understand that I only mean it in a non-judgmental tone.  Further, I understand that one’s intent to offend or not offend should never be considered but rather, if someone was offended, then that is all that matters and an apology most be broadcasted immediately, regardless of a lack of ill intent.

#4 – Yo Momma is So Hairy…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother is so hairy and I for one applaud her for not following traditional constructs of gender specific grooming habits, which as we all know, are perpetrated by the patriarchy, to make all women feel less than.  Women should never be hair shamed into shaving their legs or arm pits and all men who suggest otherwise should be thrown into reeducation camps until they change their insensitive ways.

#3 – Yo Momma is So Crazy…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, it has been brought to my attention that your mother suffers from a mental illness.  Please note that I am here for you and your mother in this trying time and I will gladly help her seek the requisite psychiatric attention required to help her either cure, treat, or otherwise live a functional life despite this mental condition.  Wait, please forgive me, as I now realize that I have offended you and your mother by implying that her mental condition is some kind of problem when instead, it should be considered a blessing because it makes her special and unique.  Please excuse me while I transport myself to a reeducation camp.

#2 – Yo Momma is So Flat Chested…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, some fellows that we are both acquainted with have implied that your mother’s breasts are small and not on par with women with larger breasts.  Fear not, for I informed these fellows that their statements were balderdash, and that it is an illogical fallacy to assume something as ridiculous as the idea that men actually prefer large breasts over small ones.  Everyone knows that love of breasts of any size is just a social construct and that men are fooled into believing they like breasts by an unfair society.  They don’t actually possess any inner desire or instinct to actually like breasts.

#1 – Your Momma’s Glasses are So Big…

TRANSLATION:  Sir, your mother’s glasses are large.  I am glad to hear it, for everyone with vision problems deserves nothing less than quick and convenient service from a reputable neighborhood optometrist.

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May 01 2017
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The Yeti, top ten lists

Top Ten Reasons Why Yetis Make Terrible House Guests

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The International War Criminal/Incredibly Boring Snow Monster Known as the Yeti.  He’s been my houseguest at BQB HQ for years now and let me tell you, he’s the worst.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why Yetis Make Terrible House Guests:

#10 – They Are Incredibly Boring

Even worse, the boredom rubs off on you.  Before you know it, you’re counting the number of fibers in your carpet and having a good time doing it.

#9 – They Eat All the Food

On a diet?  Invite a Yeti to live with you.  You’ll never eat again because the Yeti will get to it first.

#8 – They Bogart the Remote Control

I haven’t watched anything I wanted to watch since that furry bastard arrived.

#7 – They Smell Bad

Never stand downwind of a Yeti.  Or upwind.  Just don’t stand near a Yeti.  Also, never pull a Yeti’s finger.

#6 – They Always Want to Conquer Something…

…but luckily they are incompetent and therefore easily defeated.  Still, they are very disloyal.  They will pretend to be your friend one minute, then claim your house as an independent nation under their control the next.

#5 – Guilt Trips

Then, just when you’ve had enough and try to kick them out, they’ll make you feel bad.  So they end up staying, eating all your food and coming up with more schemes.

#4 – They Snore

You’ll have to buy everyone in the neighborhood ear muffs.  It’s only fair.  You’re the one with the Yeti.

#3 – They’re Super Fat

Which, I know, is not a nice thing to say.  We’re all about ugly rights here on the BQB blog.  However, I’m talking like, they’ll crush your furniture or knock holes in your wall if they lean on them for too long fat.

#2 – They Stare at You While You’re Sleeping

It’s very weird.  Often, I wake up in a cold sweat, fearful someone is staring at me.  Sure enough, there the Yeti is, eating a sandwich and drinking a Diet Coke with his eyes fixated on me….which leads me to believe…

#1 – Yetis are Perverts

In theory, yes, but in reality, not so much, as they are fat, slow moving, and not really able to do anything perverted.  They think about it, then they give up and watch TV and eat more food.

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Apr 30 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Reasons Why It Would Be Awesome to Have a Pet T-Rex

Ahh, the T-Rex.  The Thunder Lizard.  The King of All Dinosaurs.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to have one as a pet?

Sure would be.

From BQB HQ in East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why it Would Be Awesome to Have a Tyrannosaurus Rex as a Pet:

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#10 – You Can Feed Your Enemies to Him

Generally, I recommend that you don’t have enemies.  If you consider someone an enemy, just stay away from this person or if possible, make up.

However, if this person comes at you, then I see no reason why he can’t become a T-Rex treat.

Remember the law though.  You can only feed someone to your T-Rex in self-defense.  You can’t just go feeding people to your T-Rex willy nilly.

#9 – He Can Drop Giant T-Rex Poops On Your Enemies’ Lawns

This would be a more acceptable form of revenge though you might be helping your enemies to fertilize their lawns.

#8 – You Can Ride Him Like a Giant Pony

I’d recommend bonding with the T-Rex first though.  Otherwise, he might eat you.  Honestly, he might eat you anyway.  T-Rexes are notorious butt holes like that.

#7 – Solve All Your Rodent Problems

You think a rat is going to come on your property with a T-Rex watchdog?

#6 – Perfect Home Security System

Similar to #7, do you think a burglar is going to come on your property with a T-Rex watchdog?

#4 – Scare Away Bill Collectors, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Salesmen, Solicitors and Unwanted Relatives

See #6 and #7.

#3 – You Can Call Him Rexy

Best name for a pet ever.

#2 – Best Alarm Clock Ever

You’ll never sleep through a 6 AM wake up roar.  Never be late to work again!

#1 – Everyone Will Be Totally Jealous

See reasons #2-10

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • They have tiny arms!
  • They eat lawyers on toilets!
  • They have bad eyesight, so you can flip them off when they are naughty, but just don’t make any sudden movements as they can see movement.  I’m an expert because I saw Jurassic Park.
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Apr 18 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Clown

Ahh, clowns.  The children’s entertainers of yesteryear.  Who knows when it became fashionable for adults to put on red wigs and paint their faces white in an effort to make children laugh?  All we know is that it usual makes children cry.

Ladies, do you think it might be possible that you are dating a clown?

 

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Clown:

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#10 – He acts like a clown.

Note that I’m not referring to “clown” as a synonym for “jerk” or “idiot.”  So, yeah, if he forgets your birthday, you can call him a clown.  However, that doesn’t mean he’s going to be entertaining anyone at the circus anytime soon.

#9 – Paints His Face White Everyday

This is a definite warning sign that he might be a clown, but then again he might also be an 18th Century French Aristocrat and forgot to tell you.  Ask him whether or not it is advisable to tell poor people to eat cake.  If his answer is “no,” then it’s highly probable that your boyfriend is a clown.

#8 – Has a Tiny Car

No, I’m not talking about a Honda Civic or a Toyota Corolla.  I’m talking about a little tiny, wind-up toy car that somehow he not only fits himself into, but also twenty of his closest friends.  Also, all of those friends look like clowns.

#7 – Has Red Hair

True, clowns have been known to wear red wigs.  However, you don’t want to start an international incident with Ireland by running around, accusing every redhead you see of clownery.

#6 – Makes Balloon Animals

If he can make any balloon animal that’s more complicated than a snake (which is simply, a long balloon), then that’s a dead giveaway your boyfriend went to clown college.  Balloon animal making is a very serious discipline, achieved only through six weeks of study at a small office in a seedy, rundown strip mall.

#5 – Has Big Floppy Shoes

He could be a clown but think back.  Has he ever tried to sell you to desperate perverts?  In that case, he’s probably not a clown.  In fact, he’s probably a pimp.  Clowns and pimps shop at the same oversized novelty shoe store.  Everyone knows this.

#4 – Has a Red Nose

Maybe he’s a clown.  Maybe he’s a heavy drinker.  Hard to say.

#3 – Wears Loud, Crazy Colors and Patterns

See #5 vis a vis the possibility that he might either be a clown or a pimp.  Clowns and pimps also shop at the same clothing stores.

#2 – Rides a Tiny Tricycle

It’s entirely possible that this might mean your boyfriend is a clown but then again, have you seen the gas prices these days?  I’m surprised everyone isn’t riding around on a tiny tricycle!

#1 – He Threw a Pie in Your Face

A pie in your face is usually the first unequivocal warning sign a woman gets in order to wake her up to the new reality that her boyfriend is a clown.  However, keep in mind that a) your boyfriend might just be very clumsy and didn’t throw the pie at your face on purpose or b) he did throw the pie at your face on purpose, but not because he’s a clown but because he wants to break up with you.  In case of option b, thank your boyfriend for, in these confusing times where couples rarely communicate well with each other, your boyfriend has chosen to end things with a pie in your face.  Nothing says, “it’s over” like a mug full of custard.

HONORABLE MENTION:  Sings, “doo dee doo dee doo dee doo doo doo doo” during intimate moments.  He could be a clown or he could just be very excited.

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Apr 15 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy

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Ahh, Easter.  That wondrous holiday where Christians celebrate the glorious resurrection of their lord and savior, Jesus Christ…by finding colorful eggs hidden by an anthropomorphic bunny rabbit.  Additional activities include eating a lot of food and finding baskets full of candy, which is also eaten…almost immediately.

Candy is the name of the game with this post, 3.5 readers.  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy:

#10 – Orange Jelly Beans

All other jelly beans stink compared to the orange ones.  Why do they even make black licorice jelly beans?  Who is the asshat that steal eats those?  Someone must be or they’d stop making them.

Sure, cherry or lemon or other types of fruity beans will do.  Jelly Belly makes some fine gourmet jelly beans.  I’m a fan of their buttered popcorn and toasted coconut beans.  But when it comes to maximum deliciousness, it’s orange all the way.

Seriously.  Handing me a black licorice jelly bean and telling me it is just as good as an orange jelly bean is like handing me Lena Dunham while she’s eating cake on the toilet and telling me she’s just as hot as Megan Fox.

Was that a mean, rude and insensitive comment?  Probably.  But that’s how much I love orange jelly beans.  Give me one of those plastic bags shaped like a bunny’s carrot where the orange beans turn the carrot orange and I’m good for the day.

#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Eggs

You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!  You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!

Who cares?  Delicious and nutritious (although probably not really) I say.

I like to bite the chocolate off of the peanut butter and then eat the peanut butter after the chocolate has been bitten off.  It just seems like a fun thing to do, although now that I think about it, it’s probably a blow to chocolate/peanut butter desegregation.  These two flavors really deserve to mix together in my mouth and be happy.

#8 – Cadbury Mini Eggs 

Mmm.  Sweet chocolates on the inside.  Sweet candy shell on the outside.  They’re like cocaine to me.  If they sold them all year round I’d be a diabetic by now.  Kids, lay off the candy, that’s some shit you don’t want.  Adults, it’s not too late for you.  Lay off that shit too.

#7 – Cadbury Creme Eggs

Speaking of diabetes, is there anything sweeter than the cream inside a Cadbury Creme Egg?

Personally, I always bite the chocolate top off of one of these bad boys, then I’ll get my tongue up that…well, that makeshift hole and start licking and slurping until all that creme is gone and…wait….are we still talking about candy?

#6 – Whoppers Robin Eggs

Malt.  It’s kind of an old fashioned flavor.  Don’t believe me?  Ask someone who was alive in the 1950s if they ever visited a “malt shoppe.”  But Whoppers never gave up on the malty goodness.  I prefer to suck on these delicious chocolatey malt balls (yes, I know how that sounds) and let the malt seep into my tongue until it pickles.

#5 – Russell Stover Easter Eggs

When you’re done performing cunnilingus on that Cadbury Creme Egg (you know you will now that I suggested to it you if you weren’t doing it before), it’s time to graduate to the Russell Stover eggs.

That Russell Stover does some good shit with chocolate eggs, let me tell you.  Creme, marshmallow, you name it.

#4 – Starburst Jelly Beans

While I still maintain that all jelly beans should be orange and only orange, if you can’t get your hands on any orange beans, or jelly bellies, then Starburst beans are pretty fruity and flavorful.  They’ve put many pounds on my butt over the years.  Also, not a single black licorice in the bunch.

#3 – Hershey’s Carrot Cake Kisses

You know, I could be engaging in candy rating malpractice, largely because I’ve never had one of these before.  They are new, but people tell me they are orgasmic and to die for.  This surprises me because I feel like carrot cake is ok.  I mean, I’ll eat it if it’s there but I’ve never been like, “OMG I have a carrot cake craving and I must have it!”  Still, many people have given these high marks, so I’ll add them to the list.

Have you had one?  Tell me what you think.

#2 – Peeps 

Yummy marshmallow inside.  Delicious sugary coating on the outside.  Get the bunnies and bite scores of ears off, or get the chicks and behead them with your teeth.  Yes, you get your jollies off by torturing candy animals, don’t you, you big weirdo?

#1 – Chocolate Bunnies

Speaking of torturing candy animals, is there a candy animal that is abused more than the chocolate bunny?

Seriously.  What do you bite off first?  The ears, of course.  Yes…bite those ears off, so that little hollow rascal can’t hear you as you laugh and laugh at his pain, as you guffaw and chuckle at his helpless state!

Not that I’ve thought this through.  Ears, face, butt.  That’s how I eat a chocolate bunny.  How about you?

Your Favorite Candy

Did I fail to talk about the horrible things I would do to your favorite Easter candy?  Tell me in the comments.

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Apr 09 2017
6 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Butt Might Have Been Probed By Aliens

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Someone’s going to be walking funny tomorrow.

Ahh, aliens.  Those intergalactic science perverts really do a number on the human heiney don’t they?

What exactly are little green men hoping to discover by shoving their high tech, state of the art devices up human butts?  Your guess is as good as mine.  At any rate, it’s not like these space weirdoes will leave you a calling card, so if you want to know whether or not your cheeks have been parted in the name of space science, you better consult this fine list.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Have Been Probed By Aliens

#10 – Your Butt Hurts

In theory, this could be due to a number of reasons, including by not limited to:

  • You’re wiping too hard and giving yourself hemorrhoids.
  • You ate an extra large batch of nacho chili cheese fries with extra hot sauce.  That’ll make the old tooter play a symphony for weeks, so get used to the discomfort.
  • You sat on a sharp object.
  • Brazilian wax.
  • Anal bleaching.
  • Someone kicked it.
  • A hobo had his way with you while you were sleeping.  That’ll teach you to fall asleep near a set of train tracks without a chastity belt.

However, if you’ve engaged in none of these activities then yes, it is highly possible that an alien shoved a carefully calibrated human nervous system mapping projectile up your poop chute.  I loathe being the one to have to break this unsettling news to you.

#2 – You’re a Drunken Redneck

According to the Fake Institute for Bogus Statistics, Southerners have a 97% higher chance of being butt probed by aliens than the rest of the population.  Add too much alcohol into the equation and you’re destined for an intergalactic butt inspection.

Why?  Call it discrimination.  Call it bias.  Call it what you will but whenever Jimmy Bob Bo Jim Jack gets on TV with his best trucker hat and “Honk if You Like Big Titties” shirt with the arms cut off and starts railing about the aliens that abducted him so they could have their way with his butt, people just start laughing and assume it’s the booze talking. Aliens know this and they take full advantage of it to avoid being caught.

Sure, the aliens could abduct and butt probe a boozy Manhattanite, but they’re all so uptight that their instruments usually just snap between their firmly clenched cheeks.

#3 –  You Remember Feeling as Thought Multiple People Were Touching You While You Were Asleep but Were Too Tired to Wake Up and Do Anything About It

Maybe you were abducted and butt probed by aliens.  Maybe you’re just the average, run of the mill college student.  The world may never know.

#4 – Your Butt is Pregnant

You didn’t even have sex.  Even more shocking…you’re a man!  Congratulations!  In nine months, you’ll be the proud father of the spawn that alien scientists inserted up your butt.

#5 – They Left the Probe in Your Butt

Look, not every alien scientist is the intergalactic equivalent of Steven Hawking.  Some are lazy.  Incompetent.  Inept.  Some have questionable credentials.  Some got their science diplomas through space mail.  Some have even been known to leave a probe sticking up the butt of a test subject, much like a meat thermometer stuck in the anal cavity of a Thanksgiving turkey.

At least the turkey gets warm, moist, herb seasoned stuffing shoved up there.  By the way, if you find any stuffing up your butt, then maybe you weren’t probed.  Maybe someone tried to eat you but changed his mind after deciding you don’t taste good.

#6 – Your Butt Hurts Twice in One Year

Maybe you didn’t learn your lesson about the nacho chili cheese fries with extra hot sauce earlier.  Maybe the aliens came back to get a second reading.  Again, the world may never know.

#7 – Your Farts Sound Like Electronic Codes

A sure sign that aliens probed you and left behind a microchip that allows your butt to communicate with the mother ship.

#8 – The Aliens Left Behind a Pamphlet

Some of the more considerate aliens have been known to leave behind a pamphlet on the nightstand of their test subjects.  It usually reads something like, “So You’ve Been Probed Up the Butt in the Name of Space Science.”  Topics include, “It Wasn’t Your Fault” and “Be Proud of the Many Scientific Breakthroughs that Will Occur Thanks to Your Butt Probe.”

#9 – Video Of the Inside of Your Butt Has Appeared on Cable

Not gonna lie.  Some aliens sell their probing videos to the highest bidder.  Somewhere amongst the thousands of cable channels out there, in depth footage of your Hershey Highway might being aired right now.  Boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

#10 – Your Butt Glows in the Dark

Some probes include a homing beacon that will flash, thus allowing the mother ship to spot your butt from space.  And you thought your butt was only visible from space because you got off your diet, didn’t you?

PARTING ADVICE

Equip your butt with a loud, obnoxious alarm.  Hire armed guards to protect your butt as you sleep.  Never lie down without putting on a pair of iron underpants secured with a sturdy padlock.  Break the key in four pieces and leave each piece in one of the world’s four hemispheres.  Really, people.  This is just common sense.  Protect your butt!

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Apr 06 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy

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Hello ladies.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Is your boyfriend stiff?  Some might say even a little wooden?  Well, I don’t want to alarm you but just in case, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy:

#10 – He’s got wood.

Maybe it’s because he was carved out of an old tree, or maybe it’s because he’s a man.  Inconclusive.

#9 – He only speaks when you shove your hand up his ass.

Maybe it’s because he’s a puppet and that’s the only way he can speak…or maybe he’s a man with a girlfriend and thus, that’s the only way he’s allowed to speak.  Again, inconclusive.

#8 – Has a squeaky voice.

Maybe he has a squeaky voice because he’s a dummy or maybe he just suffers from a debilitating testosterone deficiency.  Inconclusive.

#7 – He’s a big dummy.

Maybe he’s a big dummy because he is a dummy but then again, has there ever been a woman in existence who didn’t think that her boyfriend or husband was a big dummy at one point in time or another?  Inconclusive.

#6 – Tells terrible jokes.

Most dummies do, but what man doesn’t?  Inconclusive.

#5 – Might Be an Evil Murderer

Yeah, but then again, any boyfriend might be an evil murderer.  Do you follow your boyfriend all day and night long?  Do you know where he is right now?  Inconclusive.

#4 – Can Still Talk While You’re Drinking Water

Either you’re an exceptional ventriloquist, or just a regular water drinker and your boyfriend likes to talk while you are thirsty.  Inconclusive.

#3 – Can Turn His Head Around 360 Degrees

That could mean that he’s a ventriloquist dummy but it could also mean that he’s been possessed by a demon.  Is your boyfriend a blasphemous heathen that inadvertently invited inexplicable evil to take up residence in his carcass?  Inconclusive.

#2 – His face is expressionless.

Yeah, but most men are bad when it comes to expressing their emotions.  Inconclusive.

#1 – Always has a snappy comeback.

True, that could be a sign that he’s a dummy but keep in mind men tend to say dickish things at extremely inappropriate times.  Inconclusive.

CONCLUSIONS

I have just scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is literally no way to tell whether or not your boyfriend is a human or a ventriloquist dummy, since there are so many similarities between the two.  Therefore, just to be on the safe side, you must assume your boyfriend is a ventriloquist dummy at all times.

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Mar 31 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Online Dating Profile Mistakes

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Ahh, dating, that most antiquated of human rituals.  He plays coy.  She plays hard to get. Will they or won’t they?  On and on the dance goes.  Where it stops, nobody knows.

But perhaps you aren’t one to belly up to the bar, watering hole, or other public gathering place in order to seek a mate.  Perhaps you prefer to sign up for one of those websites that includes a veritable meat market catalog of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes.

If so, you’re pal BQB is here to help you avoid some errors.  From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Online Dating Profile Mistakes:

#10 – “If you are/for/believe in X, swipe left!”

That’s rather judgmental, isn’t it?

Many online daters will write something in their profiles that says something like:

  • The Clippers are my favorite team so if you don’t like them then move on!
  • If you voted for X candidate, swipe left!
  • If you hate cats, see you later!
  • If you don’t like pizza, go away!

Really?  I mean, you think these things are important to you but perhaps that will all go by the way side for the right person.  Ladies, suppose a super hunky stud muffin is looking at your profile and about to click on it so he can take you on a date and dote upon you with his millions of dollars but then he’s like, “Well, I don’t really like the Clippers…”

And really?  Are you really going to put your cat over your potential love if you meet someone perfect for you but he/she has a cat allergy?  I know your scruffy little buddy has always been there for you but surely some sort of arrangement could be worked out.  Perhaps for the right one you might be able to find a nice alternative home for your fluffy friend and visit once in awhile.

Politics might be a more delicate issue and I suppose two people who would constantly bicker about who would be the best at running the country are unlikely to get along.  Then again, you never know.  Maybe you two can learn to love one another enough to not force your opinions on each other – love each other by day, then go to the polls at night and cancel each other out with your opposing votes.

#2 – Putting Up (ONLY) a Better than Usual Photo

We all have managed to take at least photo whereby, with the right combination of lighting, lens and angle manipulation, makes us look like a supermodel.

Maybe go ahead and use that, but also throw up some photos of what you look like on an average, day to day basis.  I’m not saying take a photo of you in your underpants with a cat under your left arm, a trail of crumbs on your chest and a half-eaten bag of potato chips in your right arm, but perhaps just a nice pic of you in casual attire will do.

So what if you’re a little bit chubby, ugly or odd looking?  Being honest about it just means the jerk faces that care about such trivial matters won’t waste your time while you search for the person who won’t care about your flabby belly, crow’s feat, widow’s peak, basketball sized nose goiter or what have you.

#3 – Putting Up a Photo of Yourself with Someone of the Opposite Sex

Ladies, I’d be curious to have your input on what you assume when a man’s dating profile features photos of the guy with other women.  I’d wager that there would be some women who would be like, “Huh, he must have something good going on if he has that much stank on his hang low,” but for the most part, the woman that you want to bring home to meet your mother will probably be annoyed.

I can give you the male opinion on what men think when they see a dating profile photo featuring the woman with other men.  I spoke with all the other men at the recent man meeting and they authorized me to speak for all mankind on this very important issue by a vote of 198,999 burps to 77 farts.  There was one armpit squeak in abstention due to a conflict of interest.

Basically, we don’t like it.  My assumption is “Oh.  Here’s a woman with 300 guy friends.  She’ll hang out with them all the time and tell all her personal stuff to them and talk about me to them even though I should be the most important guy in her life.  If I look at another girl for a second, she’ll rip my head off but she’ll think it’s fine that she’s with all these dudes all the time.  She’ll say they are just friends but I, like Biz Markie, know better.  She may even be naive enough into thinking these dudes are not interested in her on a physical level, but as the owner of a penis, I know that all men are interested in their female friends on a physical level and are only settling for friendship in the hopes that it will be upgraded to a romantic relationship.”

Gay people, I’m a time traveler from the 1990s who just happens to reside in your current time, so I don’t know how to advise you.  I assume that gay dudes aren’t a fan when they see a photo of someone they like with another dude.  I assume that lesbians don’t like to see the lesbians they like with other lesbians.  Apologies if I’m wrong.  I’m from the 90s, but I try my best to stay woke.

Now, it’s a free country.  Maybe you want to put that vibe of “I’m a partying free spirit and I’m out there ready to mix and mingle with lots of people.”  And maybe these people in your photo really, truly are just friends but…the person on your dating profile doesn’t know that.

#4 – Talk Down About Yourself

“Oh, on the weekends, I like to paint but that’s dumb I guess.”

NO!  You are the next Van Gogh!  “On the weekends, I like to relax, paint brush in hand, waiting for inspiration to strike.”

Talk yourself up.  Don’t worry.  If you get married, your significant other will have many, many years to talk down to you.

#5 – Poor Spelling

This probably won’t be a problem for everyone but like, say a dude is looking at a babe’s profile and it is all misspelled.  The dude’s going to assume she’s dumb.  Oh wait, a dumb girl…hmmm…if she’s that dumb she might go for you then, dude.  Carry on!

#6 – Lies

Don’t say you’re a billionaire venture capitalist by day and a masked vigilante crimefighter by night with your own mansion and a yacht and a butler if you do and have none of these things.  She’ll figure it out eventually.

#7 – Don’t Be Sad and/or Inform Your Potential Dates About All Your Problems

“Well, I’m just getting back out there to the dating world after my ex-wife, that miserable she-beast, ran off with my best friend and all of my money and our kids and my dog.  I’m trying to scrape my life together, but it’s been tough since my house burnt down and also I’m in recovery for Mentos popping addiction due to a time when I popped the Freshmaker two at a time to distract myself about how sad I was for being unemployed due to the fact that I was recovering from a penis transplant because my original penis got caught in a shredder.”

Tough one.  Don’t lie.  Don’t deceive.  But…maybe just don’t let it all hang out there at first?  Women are pretty good about peeling back your stinky layers until they reveal the smelly onion inside.  It’ll be up to them if they still want that onion, if they feel it is worth Febrezing. But you only get seconds to make a good first impression so you don’t want to come off as a sad sack straight out of the gate.

#8 – Saying Things That Sound Good but Are Meaningless

“I like happy times on a Saturday night, cozy days with friends, and warm Summer frolics.”

WTF?  Tell me what you like to do, dummy.  I want to know if we like to do the same things.  Do you like watching Game of Thrones and shoving pizza in your face?  Really?  I also love to watch Game of Thrones and shove pizza into my face.  Let’s get together and watch Game of Thrones and shove pizza into our faces.

But wait, what?  You like to run triathlons and can bench press a Kia Sportage?  I can do neither of those things.  I would slow you down.  Good day to you madam.  It is a good thing you were honest so we didn’t waste each others’ time with our vastly different interests.

#9 – Be Lame

If you think it’s lame, it’s lame.  Don’t post that photo of you with your ventriloquist dummy, unless you are one of the few millionaire ventriloquist performers in the world.  Even then, you might want to hold off on it.

Don’t talk about how you are a mama’s boy or post photos of your action figure collection or what have you.  Remember, these stinky layers will eventually be peeled.  You don’t want to throw all your stink at a lady in one sitting.  She needs to ease into the stink slowly.  Dish out the stink in small amounts until she’s too in love to care about the sum total of your voluminous stink.

#10 – Be Shirtless

Well…hmm.  I may or may not be wrong here.  I’ve never had a physique that I’ve been dying to show off so what would I know, really?  My assumption is that yes, dude, if you have a studly physique, a shirtless pic might get you some interested ladies…but again, the nice one you want to bring home to meet your parents would probably frown upon you being so public with your pecs.

But again, what would I know?  I’d post a shirtless pic, but the Internet could never handle that much manly chest hair.

My attorney reminds you I have no idea what I’m talking about.  This post was just in good fun and taking anything I said as advice that you should or should not follow could have disastrous results.

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Mar 30 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Reasons Why You Need a Mustache

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Ahh, the mustache.  They were all the rage in the 1980s.  Imagine the thought process.  “Sure, I’ll shave my cheeks and chin but damn it, my upper lip must be clothed in manly hair!”

Nowadays you have a better chance finding a public pay phone than you do a dude with lip fur.  That’s lame, says I.  I’m bringing back the ‘stache.  Who’s with me?

From Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why You Need a Mustache:

#10 – You can be like Magnum P.I.  Tom Selleck, or his alter ego Magnum, was never without poon.  1980s women digged hair so much they wanted to see it on their man’s lip while he was talking to them.

#9 – Keeps your lip warm.  You want a frostbitten lip?  Fine, then shave.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

#8 – “Free Mustache Rides!”  I’ve never tried that line on a lady, but I have no reason to believe a lady would find that to be not amusing.  (The Bookshelf Battle Blog is not responsible if you try this line on a lady who finds it not amusing.)

#7 – They make you look smarter.  It’s like you spend so much time studying you don’t have time to shave your lip.

#6 – You can get a mustache comb, the greatest of all combs.

#5 – You can wax it.  Who doesn’t want to wax their facial hair?

#4 – You can curl it at the ends.  Just don’t tie a damsel in distress to the train tracks a la Snidely Whiplash.  That is frowned upon.  Also illegal and uncool, bro.

#3 – Your face is too cool to hide behind a beard, but your lip needs a little something.

#2 – Because you can grown one, so why not?

#1 – Nothing says, “I’M A MAN!” like a good mustache.

 

 

 

 

 

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Mar 13 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mime

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Ah, mimery.  Truly, the worst of all art forms, ranking even lower than bedazzling.

What is a mime anyway?  A mime is a French clown except without the horn to honk, or the balloon animals or the big red nose.  He’s just quiet and just pretends to do whatever he is doing rather than actually do it, kind of like how I pretend to write a professional blog.

Could you be dating a mime?  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mime:

#10 – Wins all fights by pretending to be trapped inside an invisible box.  If you demand that he comes out to face you, he just pounds on the air as if it is a barrier.  If you yell at him, he just points to his ear and acts confused, like he can’t hear you.

#9 – Plays on your sympathies by putting his hands up to his eyes and pretending like he’s crying.

#8 – So much white pancake makeup left on the pillow.

#7 – Draws happy and/or sad faces over his face to reflect his mood.

#6 – Broke character once and said something.  Report him to the International Association of Mime Standards.

#5 – You think he goes to work everyday, but he just stands in the middle of the living room, pretending to bang an invisible nail into an invisible board with an invisible hammer.

#4 – He got in a fight with invisible muggers once.  He tried to protect himself.  He pretended to put up his dukes, but ended up getting his ass kicked by an invisible foot.

#3 – He’s cheap to feed.  He just sits at the table and pretends to eat an invisible meal with invisible cutlery.

#2 – Acts surprised over everything, usually by opening his eyes and mouth wide.

#1 – You came home early one day and caught him in bed humping the air.  You are now baffled.  I mean, he was humping the air, so there was nothing there, but then again, if he is a mime, and he was pretending to hump an invisible woman, then he was totally cheating on you.  Mimes are such jerks.

 

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