Category Archives: top ten lists

Apr 14 2016
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Khaleesi

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Wait until April 24th for Game of Thrones Season 6?

This a man cannot do.

For Lord Battler of House Bookshelf loveth his Game of Thrones.

Oh, how it has allowed nerds across the land to experience what Superbowl Sunday must feel like for the normals.

Yes, 3.5 readers I love GOT as much as you love your girlfriend.

And from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be the Khaleesi:

(Note this list is mere fantasy.  If you’re reading this blog, you are a nerd who is unworthy of the Khaleesi.)

***NOTE: GOT SPOILERS AHEAD!  SPOILERS!!!!****

10.  Her wardrobe consists of 950 turquoise dresses. Khaleesi loves turquoise.

9.  No one at work ever steels her lunch from the communal fridge…BECAUSE IT’S A DAMN BLOODY HORSE HEART IN A BAG!

8.  You avoid arguing with her because you know that all arguments end with your ass getting burned extra crispy by her dragons.  Also, people refer to her as the Mother of Dragons.  Like you’ll answer the phone and people will be all like, “Can I speak to the Mother of Dragons?”

7.  Speaking of, she has so many titles.  Khaleesi.  Mother of Dragons.  Breaker of Chains.  And she insists on announcing them every time she enters a new room.  You need to leave three hours early just to take the Khaleesi to a movie.

6.  Dated Seth MacFarlane.  Part of you is annoyed with her because she could have done better.  Part of you wants to high five Seth for being the first nerd in history to use his nerdy ways to snag a Khaleesi. (I stand corrected about my early statement about nerds not being able to snag the Khaleesi.)

5.  Starred in a Terminator reboot.  It was godawful.  So bad.  So very, very bad.  But you forgive her.  Because she’s the Khaleesi.  Only the Khaleesi can be forgiven for a terrible Terminator remake.  Cersei was also in a sucky Terminator remake.  It’s ok to not forgive her because fuck her.  She’s Cersei.  Cersei’s the worst.

4.  Her brother sold her into slavery and then was jealous that she made a big ass pot of lemonade out of those lemons.  In-laws.  Am I right?

3.  Totally the type to hop on her dragon and fly away, leaving her friends to fend for themselves in the gladiator’s arena.   (Oh shut up.  That’s not a spoiler.  You had a year to watch this shit.) Probably won’t give you a ride to the dentist either.

2.  Nerds in the know theorize she might be Jon Snow’s Auntie.  Channel your inner M. Knight Shyamalan and repeat after me, “What a twist!”

  1.  Out of a group of people who are the worst, she’s always the best.

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • Drew you in by getting naked, but now that she’s won you over, that turquoise dress stays on.  In other words, she’s like every other woman post commitment. Heap her with praise all you want but you’ll be lucky if you see a boob on your birthday.
  • Honest and fair, but cheat her and you’re banished to the friend zone.  Also, from the country.
  • Appreciates your wise counsel.  Would appreciate it more though if you were a dwarf or a eunuch.  Seriously, she’s got an army of eunuchs and two eunuch advisors.
  • She takes what’s rightfully hers, by fire and blood if she has to.  So don’t bogart the Funions.
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Apr 14 2016
10 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard

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Your boyfriend is magical.

No, I don’t mean that as in he’s perfect. I mean it as in he’s a damn spell casting practitioner of the dark arts.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard:

10.  When he asks you to polish his wand, he isn’t making an off color joke.  He literally dropped his magic wand in the toilet and only you can restore it to its naturally pristine state.

9.  He’s not the best guy to ask for a drink. The beverages he brings you look more like potions.  Green or purple. Smoking or bubbling.  (Note if your boyfriend is not a wizard do not rule out the possibility that your boyfriend might be Bill Cosby.)

8.  Whenever he stinks up the bathroom, he gives you fair warning by shouting, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

7.  No matter how old he is, has a ten foot long gray beard. Wizards love their beards because it is easy to hide potions, powders, spell books and other magic supplies in them. Also, they can whip on sunglasses and make coin by starting their own ZZ Top tribute bands.

6. Never stops smoking his pipe, even while in front of a No Smoking sign.  Puffs out smoke clouds in the shape of mythical animals.

5.  His wardrobe only consists of dark colored robes and floppy yet pointy hats. Breaks out his constellation covered robes on special occasions.

4.  Best pickup lines revolve around making his penis, your pants or some other article of clothing disappear in an inappropriate manner.  (Less humorous but more appropriate lines include observations that you are “enchanting” and claims that you have “cast a spell on him.)

3.  The house isn’t big enough for his pet dragon and your pet cat.

2.  Hides risque magazines in his spell books.

  1.  If you’re a fantasy heroine, he’ll pop up occasionally to give you cryptic advice before disappearing abruptly.  Also, he will bogart your Doritos.  Wizards love Doritos, but they are notoriously cheap bastards who don’t pay for shit. Your cat will get along with his dragon before that SOB pries open his wallet for anything. That’s just Wizardry 101.
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Apr 12 2016
7 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Hipster

 

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Holy Shit.  Now there’s a guy who looks like he’s wasted a lot of time reading the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Like most women, you might assume that your boyfriend is a doofus who doesn’t care about what you think.

But your boyfriend is different.  He puts in a ridiculous amount of time just to make it look as though he doesn’t care about what ANYONE thinks.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Hipster.

10.  Wears black, thick framed Buddy Holly style glasses 24/7.  Even wears them if he doesn’t need them.  Not that I’m superstitious or anything, but if I got on a plane and saw a guy that looks like Richie Valens and then another guy that looks like the Big Bopper, I’d immediately get off the flight and take the next one upon seeing your boyfriend.

9.  You two can never enjoy any form of entertainment together

MUSIC

You Listen To:                     

Taylor Swift

He Listens To:  

Lower Ugandan Nomadic Tribesman Lunar Cycle Chants

MOVIES

You Would Like to See:                          

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

He Would Like to See:

Love in the Time of Cottage Cheese Farming  (A Twelve Hour Foreign Documentary Made in Uzbekistan with No Subtitles)

TV Shows

You Would Like To See:                        

Downton Abbey

He Would Like To See:

The Director’s Cut of Downtown Abbey with Cast Commentary, because he was so     watching it already long before anyone else discovered it, but now he’d like to learn more about the cast’s style and acting choices.)

*NOTE: He liked or disliked most things long before liking or disliking something became mainstream. You know this because he reminds you of this fact often.

You Would Like to Read:                       

The Girl on the Train

He Would Like to Read:    

Tibetan Monk Journals; 7th Century Finnish Poetry

*NOTE: He is also that asshole who a) has read the book the movie is based on and b) insists on telling you each and every way the book was better than the movie and c) practically demands that you forge some type of rudimentary medal to pin to his chest that says “I Am Superior to Everyone in the Movie Theater Because I Read the Book this Movie Was Based On.”

8.  You can’t go out to eat with him either.  You’ll order a burger. He’ll order “an organic level twelve vegan soy dog produced with the smallest eco footprint possible.)

7.  Going out for drinks also poses a challenge.  You’ll get a Bud.  He’ll want an artisanal gluten-free pale ale microbrew, preferably produced in Luxembourg or Lichtenstein.  (Favorite bars usually require patrons to wear elaborate costumes or are hidden in the middle of nowhere with no visible signage.)

6. Owns more fedoras than a man who wasn’t born in 1910 should (which means if he owns one or more fedoras, he owns too many.)  He’ll also note that his favorite hat isn’t a fedora but rather, a trilby, and then proceed to explain the differences between the two in excruciating detail.

5.  Additional questionable fashion choices include: scarves when it isn’t snowing, turtlenecks when it isn’t cold, shirts with ironic sayings or obscure band logos and so, so many vests (sweater or otherwise.)  Also, and I hate to be the one to break this to you, but he’s a cosplayer.  He lied when he told you that cartoon character outfit in his closet was just something he wore for fun at a Halloween party a couple of years ago.  He wears that shit around the house all the time and is working up the courage to tell you that not only he wants to wear it in bed but he got one for you to wear too.

4.  Elaborate facial hair. Sculpted so intricately that he looks like he could be a Hunger Games Game Master or some other type of sci-fi super villain from the future.

3.  Either walks or rides a bike everywhere.  If he owns a car, it is so small that it looks like 50 clowns are going to jump out in various hilarious ways whenever he stops.

2.  Ever since he got a digital camera he thinks he’s Ansel Adams.  His Facebook is full of random household objects.  He swears there’s irony involved but assures you that if he had to explain further you wouldn’t get it.

  1. He could tell you about other boyfriend options that are better than he is…but you probably have never heard of them.
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Apr 10 2016
14 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Shirtless Alpha Male in a Romance Novel

Romance novels.

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For Christ’s Sake, put a shirt on Chad.

Not only are they the fuel that keeps the fires of many a female reader burning, they keep the wheels of the publishing industry turning as well.

Ladies of all ages like a good story about a woman swept off her feet by the perfect man.

Said perfect man usually defined as being a) long haired b) muscular and c) shirtless.

It’s ok ladies.  I won’t point out that your love of these novels is more or less the equivalent of your boyfriend scoping out risqué sites on the Interwebs.

And romance authors, though I’ll never read them, keep churning them out as the more people who are reading anything, the longer the publishing industry stays afloat.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Shirtless Alpha Male in a Romance Novel:

10.  Always shirtless so as to show off his rock hard abs and other assorted muscles.  No matter the occasion.  Working out?  Shirtless.  Doing yard work?  Shirtless.  Trip to the store?  Shirtless.  Attending a state dinner with the Queen of England?  Shirtless.  Hell, the Queen probably digs that shit.

9.  Has a douchey name.  Examples include: Brodie, Body, Cody.  Chad, Brad, or Tad.  Lance. Guy. Trent. Blake. Basically, if you hear the guy’s name and can picture him as a blonde haired bully in a 1980’s movie with the arms of a fancy sweater tied around his neck while hassling Anthony Michael Hall then you know he’s got a douchey name.

8.  Has long, flawless locks of hair and wherever he is or whatever he is doing, they’re always blowing in the wind.  Even when there is no wind.  Put him on the Moon and his damn hair will still blow around.

7.  Ladies, let’s face it.  Whenever he bosses you around, you look up to him as a strong, take charge kind of guy.  Whip a pair of glasses on him and an extra thirty pounds and you’d bust out the pepper spray the instant he asks where his dinner is.

6.  Has tons of money but exhibits no visible signs of employment.  He’s just one of those miracle dudes who has tons of money to spend on his lady but still has plenty of time to keep those abs up.  Also, his muscles are always greased up, as if there’s always an assistant with a bucket of lotion following him around.

5.  Speaking of, you’re tired of being held up to the Barbie doll standard, but you also believe every man who doesn’t look like a shirtless alpha male is a loser.

4.  Rides a motorcycle.  Everywhere.  Except when he’s not riding a damn horse.  And if you try to tell him what to do, he’s going to ride that motorcycle or horse in the sunset, baby.

3.  You’re pretty sure you can change him into a nicer person through the awesome power of your vagina.  But let’s face it, if he were to become nicer, he wouldn’t be an badass shirtless alpha male anymore.  He might even start covering up with a collection of those polo shirts with the little alligator on the pocket, denying the world the sight of his muscles.

2.  Wherever he is, there’s inevitably a pile of wood he can chop in a gratuitous display of his manly muscles.  In a logging camp?  There’s a pile of wood.  In a forest? There’s a pile of wood.  On a beach?  Wood. In a desert? Wood.  Stop making jokes about wood.

  1.  Yup.  Nerdy men hate him about as much as nerdy women hate those supermodel chicks.  Maybe all the nerdy men and women of the world should just get together and read some comic books while all the good looking people of the world do it on beaches with the wind blowing through their hair.
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Apr 08 2016
11 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say to You if She Were a Pirate

Ahoy mateys.

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Yup.  There’s a joke about pirate booty to made here.

Last September, a band of pirates took over bookshelfbattle.com in celebration of National Pirate Week.

They taught you all how to talk like a pirate…but you didn’t learn how to speak like a she-pirate.

If your girlfriend were a pirate, here is the English to Pirate translation of things she might say to you…er, “to ye.”

10.  ENGLISH: Honey, I wish you’d help out around the house more.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  Avast ye stinking bilge rat!  Batten down the hatches, trim the mainsail and swab the poop deck or it’s the cat of nine tails for ye.

9.  ENGLISH:  I’m in the mood for nookie. 

PIRATE TRANSLATION: ARRR ye filthy landlubber!  Raise the misen mast fer it be time to keel haul across the starboard bow.

8.  ENGLISH: I am not happy with you right now.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  ARRRR!  Avast ye scurvy dog!  Listen and listen well, fer another trespass will earn ye a trip to walk the plank, where you’ll end up in the briney deep, trapped in Davey Jones’ locker for the rest of ye miserable days.

7.  ENGLISH:  I love you.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  Arrr.

6. ENGLISH:  I am mad at you.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  Arrr!

5.  ENGLISH:  I’m confused.

PIRATE TRANSLATION: Arrr?

4.  ENGLISH: Let’s go on a vacation.

PIRATE TRANSLATION: Point yon vessel toward the third star and journey into the rotten bowels of our miserable mistress, the sea.

3.  ENGLISH: Let’s get a drink.  I know a trendy new martini bar.

PIRATE TRANSLATION: Hoist ye grog matey and fill yer hole with this nasty brew.

2.  ENGLISH:  I’m worried about our finances.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  ARRRR!  Pillage yon village, matey!  Abscond with all the gold ye can carry and bury it where X marks the spot.

  1. ENGLISH:  I want to see other people.  It’s not you.  It’s me.

PIRATE TRANSLATION:  There isn’t a literal pirate translation for this one.  She would just run a sword through your belly, matey.  Arr.

 

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Apr 07 2016
6 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper

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Your girlfriend will kick so much undead ass during the zombie apocalypse.

She thinks it’s the end of the world as we know it…but do you feel fine? 

Alas, to all good things must come an end.  Just as the dinosaurs were wiped out when they plugged in their curling irons all at once, so too may humanity cease to be one day.

But probably not while we’re alive.  It’s those future suckers who’ve got problems.

Or is the end closer than we think?  Your girlfriend sure seems to think so.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper:

10.   Attempted to get you to drink your own urine to, and I quote, “get you used to the robust flavor.” Not only did you hurt her feelings with your emphatic refusal, you’re also not able to look at lemonade the same way ever again.

9.  Refers to The Walking Dead and Mad Max as “training videos.”

8.  Every piece of clothing in her closet is camouflage.  In fact, if you were to wear camouflage and then stand in front of all of her camouflage clothes, you’d disappear.  Trippy.

7.  Her basement is filled with enough tin cans to give a hungry billy goat an orgasm.  (Get it?  Because doomsday preppers store canned food and billy goats like to eat tin cans and…oh.  I guess the cans have to be empty for a goat to want to chew on it.  You know what?  Forget it. When it needs to be explained, it isn’t funny.  Moving on…)

6.  She has more guns than your local run of the mill street gang…and she knows how to use ’em.

5.  She packed his and her bug out bags filled with survival gear to grab in a hurry when the zombies, aliens, machines, invading troops, catastrophic weather event, nuclear meltdown or other to be named tragedy unfolds, causing a need to “bug out” the door in a hurry.  Feel loved, my friend, because that means there’s no one else she’d rather spend the apocalypse with than you.

4.  Forget diamonds.  All she wants for Valentine’s Day is a gas mask.

3.  From hang nails to a steak dinner, she does all of her cutting with the same machete.

2.  Claims an ability to patch up wounds with bat guano (in case you were wondering why she keeps feeding ex-lax to that bat.)

  1.  Built an underground bunker.  Connected a hot tub, disco lights, and a recording of Barry White to a gas powered generator because hey, the world may have come to an end, but the romance is just beginning.
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Apr 07 2016
6 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist

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“Hey baby, wanna crinkle my foil?”

He seemed like such a sweet guy when you met him.  Alas, it wasn’t until after you fell for him that he started checking your purse for radio transmitters.

Ladies, is your man living in constant fear of “The Man?”

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist:

10.  He owns a vast selection of tin foil hats, which he maintains prevent the government and/or aliens from reading his mind.  You’re not able to stop him from wearing his tin foil baseball cap out in public, but he’s not unreasonable.  He has agreed to stop wearing it backwards once he turns thirty.

9.  It isn’t easy to take him to a dinner party.  Your friends want to talk about movies, music and gossip.  He wants to talk about how Hitler and Bigfoot worked together on the JFK assassination and that this would be common knowledge were it not for the fact that the news media is controlled by a race of worm people disguised as human journalists.

8.  You can’t park your car in the garage.  He has it filled with a set made up to look like the Moon in an effort to prove that the Moon landing was a fake.

7.  Never takes you anywhere nice anymore.  Too busy writing a blog filled with nonsense for the benefit of 3.5 readers.  (I know what you are thinking but BQB is not a conspiracy theorist.  His tales about aliens, yetis and the zombie attack on East Randomtown are entirely true.)

6.  Once in awhile he pokes you in the shoulder for no reason other than to make sure you aren’t a hologram.  The Man, as he will explain, has been known to infiltrate the operations of those who are onto him by enlisting the aid of hologram girlfriends.

5.  Never goes to the doctor.  Convinced all doctors are trying to put a spy camera in his butt.

4.  All dates need to start an hour early so he can sweep your car for bugs, listening devices, and crumbs.  The first two are signs of lunacy.  The last one?  Well, that’s really your fault, you slob.  Stop eating donuts in the car.

3.  You’d ask him how his day was, but it is getting harder and harder not to dump him every time he swears that he is “so close” to proving that Elvis didn’t die but rather left to rule over a benevolent race of half-man/half-lizards who will one day land on Earth and show us the path toward inner peace.  So, you know, he’s not all doom and gloom.

2.  Bonus:  It’s easy to get him to do chores around the house.  Just point out to him that the government might think something is up if they see him just lying around doing nothing and that he’d better start taking out the trash and washing some windows to trick the Feds into thinking everything’s hunky dory.

  1.  Saves your toe nail clippings in the hopes of cloning you when the aliens take you away to toil in their intergalactic mines.  Is this psychotic or sweet?  You be the judge.  They’re your toe nail clippings, after all.
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Apr 06 2016
16 Comments
top ten lists

I Don’t Want to Be Sexist

Ladies, what are you worried your boyfriend might be?

I think I have the possibility that your boyfriend might a zombie covered but other than that, let me know what else you think your man might be.

Maybe I’ll just give everything up and keep writing top ten lists.  The top ten lists seem to have me on my way to gaining another 3.5 readers.  Seven readers – hooray!

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Apr 06 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger

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Does your girlfriend take your money when you are in need?

Is she a triflin’ friend indeed?

In that case, whether or not you’re Jamie Foxx (as featured in Kanye West’s song Gold Digger) you might want to consult this expert list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger:

10.  You actually have some gold to dig.  If your ass is broke, then believe it or not, she might actually just like you for your personality.  Who knew?  I sure 9didn’t.  I always thought you were a schmuck.

9.  Uses you like her own personal ATM.  If you’re asleep, she just picks you up, turns you upside down, and shakes you until all the loot falls out of your pockets.

8.  Has a long laundry list of reasons why she can’t get a job.  None of those problems ever interfere with her partying.

7.  Her hands are always in your pants…until she finds your wallet and then they’re gone.

6.  All of your credit cards are maxed out.  Your bank accounts are drained.  Creditors are banging down your door.  You came home fully intent on putting your foot down on her cutting back but then she pouted…so you found a high interest loan from your friendly neighborhood loan shark.  Soon, your kneecaps will be as busted as your credit score,  but at least she’ll have seventeen pairs of high-heel boots in a variety of colors.

5.  You tried to explain the concept of a coupon to her once.  Gave up when a demonstration involving sock puppets (your left hand was the cashier and your right was the customer with the coupon) failed.

4.  Talks you into taking her on exotic vacations often.  Her social media feeds are full of pictures of her wearing one of those damn straw cowgirl hats shouting “Wooo!” with a red plastic cup in her hand.  Your social media feed is just a bunch of pictures of you passed out on the hotel floor whilst clutching your heart and holding the bill.

3.  Victoria’s Secret.  Dolce and Gabbanna.  Louis Vouitton.  Every month your credit company calls you and asks, “Sir, did we accidentally send you Jennifer Lopez’ bill by mistake?  Because our records indicate you are an ugly overweight middle aged man…”  (Why are you using a credit card company that keeps such detailed records?)

2.  Whenever she says “I just want to look good for you baby” she gets a whole new wardrobe.

  1.  Tennis.  Weights.  Yoga.  You’ve been paying for some kind of personal trainer for her for years but to date, you’ve never seen her swing a racquet, lift a barbell, or strike a downward dog pose.  (There’s a joke in here somewhere about how the yoga instructor is the only one seeing the downward dog but…yeah…never mind. You’ve been through too much already buddy.)

 

 

 

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Apr 05 2016
3 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady

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Video Game Rack Fighter Cat – Official Pet of BQB’s Better-Half

Pets.  They bring joy to our lives and only ask for food, water and the ability to poop and barf all over our rugs, furniture and priceless possessions in return because they are dirty disgusting little bastards.

Hey, no one threw you out that one time you pooped on the sofa (you know you did it) so you can give your furry friend a break for the occasional accident, right?

But what if it is two furry friends?  Or three furry friends?  Or fifty-eight furry friends?!

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady:

10:  Wherever she goes and whatever she set out to do, she never fails to come home with an extra cat.  Trip to the store for milk?  New cat.  Dentist appointment?  New cat.    Went to the movies?  New cat.  Westminster Dog Show?  New cat.

9.  No matter what you do in the house, you run the risk of a cat falling and landing  on your head.  Open the cupboard for your breakfast cereal.  Cat lands on your head.  Open the closet to get a new shirt for the day.  Cat lands on your head.  Open the desk drawer to find a pen.  A cat jumps up into the air and then…lands on your head.

8.  You went to the doctor for a bad cough.  X-rays indicate your lungs are 90% hair.

7.  You buy those pet hair rollers with extra stickiness by the case.

6.  You’ve become skilled at the 10-K hairball hork dash.  (When a cat begins to make horking sounds and you pick it up and run it outside before it can puke all over the rug.)

5.  What am I saying?  Your girlfriend is a cat lady.  You gave up on the rug years ago.  That rug is 5% carpet fiber and 95% puke.

4.  You have enough litter boxes in the basement to fill the Mojave three times off.

3.  And for some reason, even though she wanted all the cats, you’re always cleaning the boxes because, I don’t know, women’s rights or some shit.

2.  They take turns sleeping on your face.  She says it is because they love you but you are pretty sure they are using their pillow like bodies to smother you in your sleep.

  1.  There’s probably a joke about pu%&y to be made here, but you’ve heard them all before…because your house is filled…with so many damn cats.

 

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