Tag Archives: aliens

May 13 2015
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Ask the Alien

Bookshelf Q. Battlestats

MEMO

Statistician Jones

Statistician Jones

TO:  Oh Great One, the Awe Inspiring Mighty Potentate, Who Causes All Beings to Quake in Their Boots

FROM:  Your Humble Servant, Alien Jones

RE: Bookshelf Q. Battlestats

All Hail the Mighty Potentate!  May your ganderflazer’s secretions be copious and frothy until time folds over on itself and the totality of universal existence starts all over again!

As requested, an update on your plan to assist Bookshelf Q. Battler become a successful writer, thus stemming the flow of reality programming that threatens your beloved scripted television.

This Friday, May 15, the Summer of Bookshelf begins.  Through a carefully plan series of hypnotic mind control experiments, I have convinced our noble blog host to provide a summer’s worth of serialized stories, in the hopes that he can find more than 3.5 readers.

“The State of the Bookshelf” as of May 13, 2014:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 969 (Ha! 69!  I’m sorry, Mighty Potentate.  I must be spending too much time amongst the humans).

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 4,326

GOOGLE + FOLLOWERS: 377

It is my hope that this summer will help propel Bookshelf Q. Battler’s stats exponentially. Thus, I have asked the humans to do what they can to help as once BQB manages to figure out how to make folding paper money off his drivel, I shall be able to abandon this bogus assignment.

Err…I mean this wonderful opportunity.  Yes, all ideas that originate in the mind of the Mighty Potentate are joyous and splendid.

Fear not, Mighty Potentate, for I shall report post-summer stats in the Fall.

Your Humble Servant,

Alien Jones

Alien image courtesy a shutterstock.com license.

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May 13 2015
1 Comment
Ask the Alien

Alien Jones on How to Follow Bookshelf Q. Battler

Greetings Earth Losers!

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist

Alien Jones here.  As you 3.5 readers are aware, I hail from the most intelligent species in the universe and therefore hold in my cranium a vast reserve of knowledge to answer your questions.

My planet’s Supreme Ruler, The Mighty Potentate, has commanded me to help Bookshelf Q. Battler usher in a new era of entertainment that will push back the scourge of reality television.

Yes, the Mighty Potentate loves his scripted TV and fears that if left unchecked, the reality menace will one day offend his eye receptacles.  No one wants a TV full of “Hollywood Housewives on Crack” or “Undercover Dentist” or “Who Wants to Marry a Schmuck?”

(Between you and me, I actually quite enjoyed Who Wants to Marry a Schmuck?  The schmuck was the best part.  Don’t tell the Mighty Potentate though.)

Anyway, this summer marks Bookshelf Q. Battler’s effort to bring more followers to the blog.  That’s fine by me because as soon as BQB starts getting paid for writing the Mighty Potentate will release me from my columnist duties.

How do I, a lowly human, follow Bookshelf Q. Battler?

TWITTER – @bookshelfbattle

GOOGLE+ – https://plus.google.com/+BookshelfBattleblog/posts

It’s not that it takes much effort to write this column.  My powerful mind allows me to perform hundreds of tasks simultaneously.

I just feel my brilliance needs to be exposed to more than 3.5 readers.

By the way, if you have a question, I’ll answer it, as I am also on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one answer at a time.

You can ask your questions through this site or the same Twitter and Google Plus info above.

The Mighty Potentate has declared your planet to be uber stupid.

No offense.

Alien image courtesy of a shutter stock.com license.

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May 10 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – The Mighty Potentate Speaks, Love Advice

A MEMO FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE (Alien Jones’ Boss)

RE:  Insignificant Humans Who Dare Bask in My Presence

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

Alien Jones!  A human has dared speak to me, the Supreme Overlord of our planet, the name of which I forbid Earthlings to hear, lest they molest my eye receptacles with their hideous reality programming.  Dispatch my answers to his inquiries posthaste!

WIKZI writes:

Dear Mighty Potentate: Although I am one of the puny humans you so despise, I thought you might want to know that, A) I have never participated in, nor plan on participating in, the creation and/or distribution of reality television programs, earth-based or otherwise.

MIGHTY POTENTATE:  You are one of the good ones.  However, the key question is not “have you” but “would you?”  If given a low budget and a time slot on the public airwaves, would you fill it with “Trashy Housewives of Atlanta” or “Monkey Doctor Adventures?”  What about “Supermodel Mudwrestling 4 Cash” or “Plumber Intervention.”

It’s nice that you have not nor plan to, but hopefully you KNOW you never will have anything to do with reality television.

WIKZI: B) as I am now following this blog, your 3.5-person readership has now been upgraded to 4.5 (who the hell is the .5 anyway, I feel sorry for him/her/it. What a loser!). No idea why you chose to grace my insignificant little corner o’ the blogosphere with your August Presence, but know this: I WILL BE WATCHING YOU. Please continue checking my blog at https://graylog.wordpress.com/ for more stories, some related to aliens and some, urm, not. Thank you!

MIGHTY POTENTATE:  Confused human!  I have no need for bloggery.  If I want my thoughts to be in your mind, I’ll just beam them there and make you think you thought them.  But thank you for following Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog.  I have identified him as the one human whose wit and wisdom can save the universe from the scourge of reality television, thus dispatching my lackey, Alien Jones, to assist him.

As the ruler of PLANET NAME REDACTED, I order all puny humans to visit Wikzi’s Blog. (The Graylog)

ALIEN JONES here.  Thank you, oh Mightiest of Potentates, for gracing us with your presence.  The next human to make inquiries was Gary Henry aka @LiteraryGary:

So is the Alien actually going to offer advice to the lovelorn and confused?

Sir, I am under direct orders from the Mighty Potentate to answer all questions posed using the infinite knowledge of my highly evolved brain.  That being said, if you check out this file photo of yours truly, you’ll realize I’m missing something that one would need to be considered an expert on love:

shutterstock_120849016

I meant there’s no ring on my finger.  What were you thinking of?  Weirdo.

Having said that, I’ve generally found that most inter-human love quarrels can be solved by the male nodding at the female at regular intervals, throwing out the occasional, “Oh no she did-ent!” or “Girl, you so right!”

Meanwhile, statements such as “Madam, you are incorrect and the following is a logical and highly rational argument as to why” will result in the female attacking with the force of a rabid wolverine upon being cornered.

Apparently, I’m not the only one in the indie blog Q+A game. Henry’s blog, “Honest Indie Book Reviews” features a column called “Ask Vlad the Impaler.”

Perhaps not so surprisingly, most of Vlad’s advice involves someone getting impaled.  Old “One Track Mind” Vlad.

Oh, and Bookshelf Q. Battler’s attorney demands I note that the Bookshelf Battle Blog does not endorse impalement.

Good Ole Henry – the indie world needs more supporters like this human.

On that note, I must take my leave, for I am attending a gala on Ronosplat 15.  It’s so fancy it requires pants.

Pretentious, if you ask me.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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May 05 2015
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Ask the Alien

Alien Jones – Taking Your Questions

The Intergalactic Space Force is a pants optional organization.

The Intergalactic Space Force is a pants optional organization.

He’s small.  He’s smart.

He literally has no need for pants.

He’s Alien Jones and he’s taking your questions right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

How did the universe begin?

Why are we here?

What does the future hold in store for us?

Is there a Burger Queen or does the Burger King lead an incredibly lonely life?

No question is too big or too small for the Esteemed Brainy One to answer.

Heck, he might even plug your book, blog or other writing project in his “Ask the Alien” column, a semi-regular feature on bookshelfbattle.com

And you don’t even need to be a published scribe with something to promote to consult the knowledge of He of the Great Gray Matter.

Submit your questions to Bookshelf Q. Battler, Owner and Proprietor of this blog.  You can do so through a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, or drop it in the comments on this site, or stop by BQB’s Google Plus Page:

https://plus.google.com/+BookshelfBattleblog

All inquiries will be forwarded to Alien Jones’ spaceship and he will get to them when he isn’t busy fighting the dastardly Moloklaxons (Officially Branded as the A-Holes of the Universe).

Alien photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 01 2015
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Ask the Alien

A Public Service Announcement from Alien Jones

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth Losers.  It is I, Alien Jones, the most intelligent being in the cosmos, here with an important public service announcement.

Beware the Moloklaxons - the Universe's Greatest Weirdoes

Beware the Moloklaxons – the Universe’s Greatest Weirdoes

Perhaps one day you one of you humans might turn off your TV, your computer, your cell phone, your iPad, your iWatch, or your iWhatever and do something crazy like, oh I don’t know, venture outside your dwelling and take in some your planet’s fresh air.

Actually, that’s not advisable as you clowns have evaporated your ozone layer, what with your body sprays and fancy butt perfumes and all, but I digress.

While your outside, you may encounter what we in the intergalactic exploration business refer to as an “Unidentified Flying Object.”

That’s a bit of a misnomer.  To you, it’s unidentified.  To us, it’s those damn Moloklaxons, the jerk faces of the universe.

While most civilized alien worlds banned the practice of abduction over a thousand years ago, the Moloklaxons feel there is nothing more hilarious to do on a Saturday night than to beam an unsuspecting human into their craft, fly all over the galaxy, perform disturbing nether region probes, then drop said human off in the middle of the nowhere, making sure to dose said human with a gallon of Kentucky bourbon so that the Earth authorities will write the abduction victim off as a drunkard or kook.

If you see such a spaceship in your vicinity – run!  And if the Moloklaxons tell you that they must abduct you in the name of intergalactic science, know this a hoax, as they are not acting in accordance with intergalactic law.

I’m glad I was able to clear up this important question, Earth losers.  Meanwhile, if you have any more questions, you should submit them to Bookshelf Q. Battler who will forward them to me.  Drop them in the comments on this blog, on BQB’s Google Plus, or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Finally, I’m contractually obligated to remind you that the epic blog serial story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” will begin right here on bookshelfbattle.com on May 15.

I’m not prominently featured in this tale so really, I could give three craps if you read it.

Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

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Apr 24 2015
3 Comments
Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Part 6 – House Alien

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti. Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men. Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.

PART 4 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti is aghast when he spies white walkers on their way to Yetifell.

Part 5 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB takes it easy as his elderly lackey, the decrepit Maester Monty pulls his master across the countryside all the way to Riverrun, the land of House Tully.  Along the way, Lord BQB confides in Monty that he has long dreamed he would one day meet an enormous warrior woman, one capable of providing him with love and vanquishing his enemies.  Lord BQB refuses to take a wife until he meets such a lady.

And now Game of Yetis continues…

Across the Narrow Sea, a tiny being walked through the marketplace, his face obscured by a weathered cloth hood.  He was weary from a long voyage and his feet ached for rest.  He took a seat inside a tavern and ordered an ale.

“Hey!”

The small figure ignored the brooding hulk who, despite without so much as an invention, took a chair across the little one’s table.

“Hey half-man!”  the brute said.  “Take off your hood!”

The small being refused to look up.  Instead, he sighed the sigh of a creature who, on a daily was forced to realize that the burden of being the smartest one in the room would always belong to him.

“You deaf or something?”  the man said.  “Take off your hood or I’ll cut it off for you along with your head!  Queen Cersei’s put out a hefty reward for her brother the imp’s head and I’ll be damned if you aren’t just about Lord Tyrion’s size!”

Seeing that it was pointless to wait for the little one to comply, the man reached a big burly hand across the table, intent on pulling the hood off.  Just then, quicker than a flash of lighting, the small one threw off his cloak, withdrew a laser blaster, and incinerated the intruder until there was nothing left but a pile of ash.

The last thing the would-be bounty hunter saw?  The face of an alien – two almond shaped eyes and a ginormous cranium.

“Gadzooks,” the alien said.  “It’s getting so that a highly evolved being can’t even have a drink in peace around here.

The alien ran a three-fingered hand over his wine glass and sucked the wine particles into the air and up into his pores.

“Aww,”  the alien said as he emitted an obnoxious burp.  “That is, how I believe they say on this primitive planet, ‘the good shit.'”

“Caw!  Caw!”

A raven landed on the table carrying a scroll in its beak.  The messenger bird dropped it on the table but refused to leave.

“Thank you,”  the alien said.  “You may go now.”

“Caw!  Caw!  Tip!  Caw!”

The alien wished he had the type of eyes that could roll.

“Here’s a tip,”  he said as he pointed a finger to his laser blaster.  “Flap your wings outta this joint before I put fried raven on the menu!”

“Caw!  Caw!  Cheap ass!  Caw!”

And with that, the raven skeedaddled out the window, leaving the alien to unravel the parchment across the table.

It read:

LORD BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Salutations, Lord Alien of House Jones!  This week’s “Ask the Alien” question comes from Mereen!

@DothrakiDragonMama4Eva tweeted:

“Alien Jones – how u trn dragnz?  Helps!  LOLZ!”

Lord Alien put his cloak back on, left the barkeep a coin for the wine and another for the ashy mess he left and exited the establishment.

This was a question that required a house call.

Sigil of House Jones

Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time.  Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One?  Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus.  If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

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Apr 19 2015
10 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 4/19/15

Previously on Ask the Alien:

Alien artifacts and diseases!

Pixels!

And now Ask the Alien continues…

Greetings Earth Losers.  The greatest and most humble mind of the universe, here to answer your questions and save you all from your own incompetence.

Sigil of House Jones

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  AJ!  It’s a real humdinger of a week here on Bookshelf Battle!  We have three, count ’em, a whopping 3 questions for you!

ALIEN JONES:  Holy Farzing Shazbo.  Have you been bribing winos off the street again?

BQB:  No!  They’re people!  Actual real people!

The first question this week comes from Mei-Mei of jedibyknight.com who asks:

“Lord Alien, love your house sigil/motto. Can you tell us about one of your distinguished ancestors of House Jones? Or one of the crazy ones, either way.”

Gadzooks.  That stupid sigil.  Who knew when I signed up to be a guest contributor for this blog I’d be required to participate in promotions, such as this Ren Faire disaster nonsense that Bookshelf Q. Battler will have going on until June.

BQB:  I actually do it all year round.  I only display it prominently for GOT from April-June.

ALIEN JONES:  You probably don’t want to admit that.

Anyway, I’m not privy to “Lord BQB’s” final draft, but I’m sure I’m the only Alien who makes an appearance in :::shudder::: “Game of Yetis.”

In the real world, a place that BQB should consider visiting once in awhile, aliens of my planet are cloned in a government lab and assigned a designation number.  Some of my favorite family members?

Cousin 1012049AZ1 – Ah good old Cousin 1012049AZ1.  Many a day we spent scanning for signs of intelligent life in the cosmos.  We’re still scanning.

Uncle 3XC5056089 – If I felt emotions, I imagine I’d be brimming with pride over the exploits of good old Uncle 3X.  Took down a Maloklaxon freighter with nothing but a wad of chewing gum, a paper clip, three boxes of what you call baking soda, a pair of ladies’ pantyhose (don’t ask me how he got them) and some twine.  He’s been on the Maloklaxon Most Wanted List ever since but that’s ok, because between you and me, the Maloklaxons are considered the a-holes of the universe.

Great Grandpa 19191919RFT – The black sheep of the family.  Only cured three diseases and developed two inventions.  Talk about an underachiever.  Bleh.

Thank you for your question, Mei-Mei.

NEXT QUESTION!

ALIEN JONES:  Who’s this guy?

BQB:  He’s Sci-Fi Gary!  Everybody knows Sci-Fi Gary!

ALIEN JONES:  Scanning memory banks.  Ahh…yes!  Of course Sci-Fi Gary!

As an all-knowing Alien, I was born with an inner-knowledge of every book ever written, as well as those yet to be written.  I even know about all those half-written manuscripts you all can’t finish because you’re too busy watching Mad Men.

BQB:  You know I’ve invested eight years of my life in that show and it looks like Don’s going to marry a random waitress in the end?

ALIEN JONES:  It’s Dexter all over again!

Back to Gary.  I took a peak at Amazon Author page for Gary Alan Ruse, which features many of his novels originally published in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

I’ll have you know that Bookshelf Q. Battler was a big fan of 1980’s sci-fi.  He used to watch that movie where Tom Selleck shot the robo-spiders on a continuous loop as a kid.

BQB:  Runaway

ALIEN JONES:  I would if I could but my agent says I’m locked into writing this damn column forever.

Anyway, I highly advise that you check out Gary’s stuff.  My faves:

  • Morlac – The Quest of the Green Magician
  • The Gods of Cerus Major
  • Aggie and Agent X – the cover features an alien in a trench coat who bears a striking resemblance to my old college roommate
  • Houndstooth – a secret project in which a chip is put into a dog’s brain

BQB:  Alien Jones, can you put a chip into Bookshelf Q. Battledog’s brain to keep him from using Bookshelf Battle Headquarters as his personal toilet?

ALIEN JONES:  I could but it would turn him rabid.

BQB:  Nothing new.  Hey, on a serious note, isn’t it great that authors who have had publishing success in the past have been able to use sites like Amazon to sell books to a whole new generation?

ALIEN JONES:  Indeed.  Thank you for your question, Gary.  Continue spreading your tales of intergalactic daring-do.  The comments and reviews on your books tell me you’re a respected author who has built a loyal following.

NEXT QUESTION!

ALIEN JONES:  Zounds.  A third question?  I demand a raise.

BQB:  OK.  I’ll double the nothing I pay you now.

Kai Delmas of the blog, “Of Orcs and Men” writes:

“I write a story blog about a war between orcs and humans. It’s called “Of Orcs and Men”. I thought AJ could help promote it and while he’s at it, with his infinite wisdom, he could answer some questions about orcs that I was wondering about.”

Ah yes.  Of Orcs and Men.  The first draft of Steinbeck’s classic tale of two hulking beastly creatures who roam about the Californian countryside, looking for work and getting into trouble due to Lenny the Orc’s dimwittery.  Steinbeck didn’t think it worked with both characters being big, dumb and stupid so he rewrote it as “Of Mice and Men” with both characters as humans and George being smaller and smarter.

1. Are there orcs or other fantastical creatures on other planets in the universe?

Yes.  We enjoy fantasy just as humans do.  On my planet, there is a show called Game of Brains.  It imagines a fantasy planet Earth, where the humans have them.  They never watch reality television, people are only famous if they achieve something, and stuffed crust pizza is banned.  You can your cheese on the pizza but in the crust?  Insanity!

I admit, there are some far-fetched plots on that show.  Here’s an except from last week’s show:

PETE:  Say Fred, we each practice a different religion, but let’s not start a war over it, ok?

FRED:  That’s a very sensible idea, Pete.  No need for people to die just because I pray to one man in the sky and you pray to another.

PETE:  Capital idea, Fred!  Another notion – let’s have an election where both sides provide their thoughts and points of view on various issues and leave it up to the people to decide without a constant need to paint one side or the other as a bunch of vile, baby’s candy stealing, puppy kicking lowlives?

FRED:  That makes sense, Pete.  At the end of the day, we all want we believe is best for the world.  We can voice our opinions, but there’s no need to be monsters over it.

Ahh…good old Game of Brains.  The highest rated fantasy comedy on my home planet.

2. If yes, are they smarter than us primitive earthlings?

Until we locate another planet where the inhabitants wear pajama pants to public shopping centers, I’m sorry to say that Earth wears the dunce cap of the cosmos.

3. Who does he think would win such a war between orcs and men? (Medieval times)

Men.  And hobbits.  And dwarves.  And elves.  J.R.R. Tolkien was trying to tell you all the truth about your planet’s early history.  All of his books were actually written as documentaries.

Thanks and have a wonderful stay on our planet. It’s not much, but we’re doing the best we can with our limited cerebral resources. 😉

Appreciated.  Earth?  I rarely visit that dump.  I do most of my blogging from my ship.  Once in awhile I will visit Bookshelf Q. Battler’s compound to watch Scandal.  

Aliens love Scandal.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Apr 15 2015
4 Comments
Science

40 Billion Earth-like Planets in the Milky Way Alone

According to Yale Professor Meg Urry in a CNN column, “When Can We Talk to Aliens?” astronomers estimate that there may be as many as 40 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way Galaxy alone.

That’s not even taking other galaxies into consideration.

Space – it’s really friggin’ big.

Does this mean those planets have intelligent life on them?  We don’t know.  But Urry states:

Intelligent life that can communicate via radio waves with other intelligent life is less than 100 years old here on Earth.

So while planets that develop simple forms of life may be a dime a dozen, the number that have sentient beings with whom to converse — even assuming they evolved as humans did, with ears and spoken language, or eyes and written language — is likely to be tiny. And life that can use radio waves has existed on Earth for only 0.000002% of the planet’s history — 100 years out of 4.5 billion. If the half dozen or so rocky, Earth-like exoplanets now known are similar, the odds of discovering humanlike life on them are about the same as, well, winning your state lottery with one ticket.

Of course, if there are 40 billion Earth-like planets out there, the odds improve quite a bit. If they all have histories like the Earth’s, there might be 1,000 planets in the Milky Way that could support communicative beings.

– Meg Urry, “When Can We Talk to Aliens?”  CNN.  April 2015.

Let’s break this down.

40 billion habitable planets – and that’s just in our galaxy.  However, habitability does not automatically mean life exists, or that intelligent life exists.

On top of that, if intelligent beings are out there, they will have had to have evolved to the point where they know how to communicate via radio waves in order for us to communicate with them.  We’ve only figured that out in the past hundred years, the blink of an eye given the vast expanse of human history.

Take that concern into consideration – 1,000 planets that could possibly have beings as intelligent as we are (and let’s face it, Alien Jones loves to remind us that we’re not exactly setting the intelligence bar high)

My mind is blown.  True, we have no idea of truly knowing that which we cannot confirm with our eyes.

However, statistically speaking…40 billion habitable planets…1,000 planets that could have possibly had a species that evolved to the point where they can communicate with technology of some kind.

There very well may be an alien on another planet that is a bizarro version of me, writing a blog that is only read by 3.5 readers, including an alien version of my Aunt Gertrude.

Amazing.  Simply amazing.

If you’re reading this aliens, we come in peace.  Let us learn from one another in the spirit of unity and harmony.

Also, please don’t invade our planet and eat our faces.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Alien Jones, why didn’t you tell me there might be 1,000 planets with beings as smart as we are?

ALIEN JONES:  Because they’re all smarter than you are.  1,000 planets and not one of them has reality television.  Zing.  Thank you.  I’m here all week.  Tip your waitresses.  Good night everybody.

Sigil of House Jones

Sigil of House Jones

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Apr 12 2015
13 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask The Alien – 4/12/15

ALIEN JONES:  I really don’t want to do this.

BQB:  Will you just shut up and put on your suit of armor and helmet?

ALIEN JONES:  No.  I hail from the most intelligent species in the universe.  We cured cancer, heart disease, and excessive gastrointestinal distress.  I’m not going to walk around like I’m in a damn Renaissance Faire.

BQB:  Please?  It’ll spike my readership from 3.5 to 10.12.

ALIEN JONES:  Sigh.  Fine.

Sigil of House Jones

Sigil of House Jones

Verily, forsooth and so forth.  It is I, Lord Alien of House Jones.

ALIEN JONES:  Lord Alien of House Jones?  Seriously?

BQB:  Will you?  Please?  OK?  Seriously.

Sigh.  Fine.  Lord Alien of House Jones here, taking your questions in my ongoing effort to raise your planet out of its exceptionally stupid status.

Apologies that my column has been out of commission for a couple of weeks.  Luckily, my memory receptors have not forgotten who asked what.

Kim Magennis of the blog Whimsy had two questions:

1)  Was Nikola Tesla one of yours?

No.  He was just a random Serbian guy who was hijacked by rogue aliens.  He managed to escape and passed off the knowledge he saw on their ship as his own.

Many human inventors have done the same.  That guy that made the Sham-wow?  Totally an alien invention.  You really think a human made cloth can suck up an entire gallon of milk?  Please.

2) Another question for Alien Jones: out of place artifacts (like that hammer in made from an alloy of iron which was found inside a “100 million” year old rock and the 100,000 Years Old Stone Embedded With A Three-Pronged Plug) are they pranks or the real thing?

(Read more) 

Three possibilities:

1)  Some of it is just human junk that got mixed into ancient rocks due to human incompetence.  For example, that plug was just left there by an archaeologist trying to find a place to charge his Kindle Fire.

2)  Some of it is alien junk.  Many aliens are slobs and just chuck their trash wherever they please.

3)  Some of the items were left as pranks.  Young aliens especially have been known to go out on a Friday night, flying around the Cosmos with a bottle of space hooch and a bag of screws, dropping them all over primitive planets, only to laugh about it thousands of years later when scientists print longwinded papers about them.

BQB:  Lord Alien of House Jones!  Behold!  A raven brings a tweet from the land of Twitter!

ALIEN JONES:  Are we really going to do this crap for all of Game of Thrones Season 5?

BQB: Tara Ellis, Author of Bloodline:  Forgotten Origins Trilogy, now available on Amazon, tweeted:

BQB:  March 27 that tweet came in and here you are responding to it on April 10.

ALIEN JONES:  Need I remind you I was hit by a space bus?

BQB:  Oh yeah.  How are you doing?

ALIEN JONES:  I’m fine.  You should see the bus!  :::rimshot:::

BQB:  AJ, Tara’s book is about alien viruses.  Can you elaborate on the subject?

ALIEN JONES:  Why?  Do I look like a dirty virus carrying alien or something?

BQB:  No I just thought…

ALIEN:  Yeah, yeah…you “thought.”  Just because some aliens have viruses we must all have viruses!  That’s some backward thinking man.

This book seems like a fine tale worth a download.  In the opening paragraph, Ellis lets the reader know a) the narrator’s father had something bad happen to him whilst in Egypt and b)  said father wasn’t the type to go down easily, thus a mystery ensues!

Thank you Kim and Tara for your interest in #AskTheAlien.  Lord Alien of House Jones signing off now, taking a break from what will be apparently a long season of dealing with GOT fanboy Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Apr 01 2015
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One a Day Post Challenge

I Quit

I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, Proprietor of a Book Blog That Has Only Reviewed 4 Books in a Year, Ninja Karate Master of the Drunk Monkey and Regal Swan Attack Patterns, Former King of Madagascar for Three Days (It’s a Long Story, Don’t Ask), Stealth Fighter Test Pilot, Indy Race Car Driver and All Around Bad Ass to End All Bad Asses…

Do hereby officially declare that I quit the one post a day challenge.  It was a stupid idea and has left me open to a daily barrage of Highlander attacks, zombie sighting and or potential bitings, Narwhals (Did you know there are living, breathing unicorn whales?  Look that shit up, son!), and Yeti roundhouse kickings.

Worse, various ne’er-do-wells who will stop at nothing, NOTHING I SAY to prevent me from spreading my awesomeness to the world have literally, every hour on the hour, locked me in a safe and tossed me into the ocean from a helicopter, leaving me no choice but to make a Houdini style break for it no less than 24 times a day.  I don’t want to be a whiner, but that is some tiresome nonsense right there.

I’ve been transported to the Planet of the Apes, shout out of a catapult, sent back in time, sent forward in time just to wait long enough for the technology to travel back in time to be created, and I have been assaulted by so many Cthululus (Cthululi) that I have grown immune to their hideous squiddy faces.

Seriously, this is what I wake up to every morning:

BQB:  Uggghh.  It’s morning.  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler.  I’m tired as crap.  I better get get some pants out of the closet and….

CTHULU:  OOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!  STOP BLOGGING!  OOGA!

BQB:  ARGH!  A CTHULU!   :::CTHULU PUNCH!:::

Seriously, Forces of Evil Who Demand I Stop Spreading Literacy, Fun, and Good Times to the Masses.  You’ve really outdone yourselves.  Goblins in my sock drawer.  Socks in my goblin drawer.  Gremlins who wait until I fall asleep and then proceed to sing “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina!” at the top of their creepy little lungs.  I haven’t slept since Dec. 31, 2014.  Damn you, show tune singing gremlins!

This is no way for the man who trained Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, and Jean Claude Van-Damme to be treated.  I am a blogger with skills that have allowed me to amass 3.5 readers.  I should not have to Vulcan neck pinch a werewolf every time I want to get a donut from my kitchen.  Honest to God, 16 Werewolf neck pinches a day are too much.

But do you want to know the real coup de grace?  The real straw that broke the camel’s back?  The real bee in my bonnet?  The real unidentified substance in my cornflakes?

This evening, around 6:48 pm, I went to the fridge to fetch my strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait only to discover that the YETI ATE MY STRAWBERRY GRANOLA CINNAMON YOGURT PARFAIT!

OFFICIAL REENACTMENT

BQB:  Yeti?  Did you eat my strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait!

YETI:  YES!  AND IT WAS DELICIOUS!

BQB:  YETI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Picture Kirk screaming “KHAN!” at the top of his lungs, but with the sonic aftershocks of armageddon thunder from the bowels of Hell.  That is how loud I screamed “YETI!” when I discovered that my perpetual captor turned loser houseguest, the Yeti, ate my strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait.

If you were clear across the world, in say, China and you heard the word “YETI!” being yelled, that was me.

BQB’s 3 RULES OF LIFE

1.  Never steal another man’s woman.

2.  Never challenge a Yeti to a best 2 out of 3 roundhouse kick competition.

3.  Never touch another man’s strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait.  I don’t know why I need to explain that shit to people when it it literally written in the bible on page 7.  Go check your bible.  I’ll wait.

So guess what, Evil?  I quit.  I give up.  I’m calling it kaput.  You can cease and desist your plans to drop man eating piranhas (piranha?) in my underpants drawer, as if I’m too incompetent to not notice man eating piranhas in my underpants more than 3 times in my life.  Seriously, give me some credit.

Stop sending wave after wave of assassins after me.  Sure, the fight is exhilarating but when I defeat them with my pinky finger while cooking my breakfast waffle with my free hand, I end up feeling guilty and sad for the assassins.  I’m just too nice for my own good.

Also, that asteroid you sent to destroy Earth just so you could take me out?  Yes, I did stop it and send it back into space by staring at it in a stern, disapproving manner.  What’s that Earth?  You didn’t hear anything about Earth being destroyed by a damn asteroid?

Uh…yeah.  You’re welcome

I’m out of the game, off the clock, out to lunch, and off in left field.  I turn in my blogging papers and give up.  I will blog no more.  So please stop all the madness, Forces of Evil.  You win.  The one post a day challenge is over.  The world will no longer experience a daily dose of my awesomeness, and you evil creatures get what you want.

Good for you.  I hope you’re happy.

3.5 readers (2.5 excluding Aunt Gertie), I thank you for taking this ride with me.  I pray you are not disappointed in my decision to quit, but I tell you, there are only so many damn Yetis, sasquatches, assassins, Cthulus, narwhals, bears, and Broadway musical performing gremlins that I can stand.

Lesser men than I would have quit long ago.  That I have withstood 3 months of this garbage proves my rugged machismo to the masses.

Speaking of, now that this insane challenge is done, I can now give in to the thrice an hour calls from Katee Sackhoff and Katy Perry, who demand I quit blogging, not because they want to rob the world of my awesomeness, but rather, to have it all to themselves.

I look forward to many days of helping Katee with two ee’s (Katy 1) find new and adventurous sci-fi babes to play.  I also can’t wait to write some songs for Katy with a y (Katy 2).

Here’s a littly diddy I cooked up based on her past songs:

La dee la de la…I like to dance.

La de la de la…I like romance.

Dum dee do dee da…candy and smiles.

Dum dee dum dee dum…sing for awhile.

DROPS MIC.  IM OUTTIE 5000, SUCKA MC’S!  PEACE!  YA HEARD?

BQB LEGAL DISCLAIMER:  BQB HAS NEVER BEEN CALLED OR CONTACTED BY EITHER KATEE OR KATY.  IN FACT, WE HERE AT THE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER LEGAL DEPARTMENT ARE FAIRLY CERTAIN SAID LADIES WOULD FIND BQB TO BE A HIDEOUS MUTANT.  GOOD DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.

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