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Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: amazon
Get My Book for Free!!!
Hey 3.5 cheapskates.
World renowned self-published author Bookshelf Q. Battler here with some good news.
First, I’ve renewed “BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts” for another term with KDP select, which is great news for Amazon as I know they have really been counting on all those extra cents I have been bringing in for them. Jeff Bezos can finally afford to put some crème in his coffee and it’s all thanks to me.
Second, there’s good news for you 3.5 skinflints because now, you can read my book for free.
Look, I get it. You’re all poor. Really poor. But that’s cool because now you don’t need money to enjoy my book. You can get it for free right now and all this weekend right into Tuesday.
So what are you waiting for? Go grab my book today and you’ll be able to write like me, BQB:
Someone in England Bought My Book
Do I have to fill out twenty forms to be able to accept the 29 British cents or is that Amazon’s problem and I’m accepting money from Amazon, an American company?
I dunno. I don’t want to be accused of being a British spy for accepting 29 British cents just because some guy in Liverpool wanted to check out my writing prompts. Lord knows I have always vowed to report redcoats wherever I see them and I have never allowed the King to quarter troops in my domicile. Also, I never drink tea and have urged all of my neighbors to throw their tea into the nearest harbor. I even burned all my Beatles albums…except for Hey Jude because if you can listen to that song and not cry you are a heartless bastard.
Surely, someone out there has had your book bought by a British person…what do you do?
(Also, thank British person for buying my book. If anyone else wants to buy it, they can do so here.)
My First Review!
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
I’m sorry. My book is like my baby and I’m one of those parents who makes a post every time his kid poops or burps or does something he finds adorable but most people think is lame.
Anyway, I received my first review! And it was a 5 star! So thank you, reader. You have exceptional taste in books and you are an astute reviewer of books because honestly, BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts really and truly is a 5 star book.
Search Engine Optimized Poet – An Ode to Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 35 Cents
:::Bongo Drum Beats:::
Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.
Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the web searchers’ feets, ya dig?
BQB’s latest royalty earnings report for BQB’s Writing Prompts.
35 cents! Whoa, 35 cents!
BQB’s book sales profits are incredibly immense!
What will he buy, with 35 cents?
The possibilities are long and intense!
A fence? To put around BQB HQ to keep out his legions of fans?
Sands, tropical sands, and the best laid plans of mouses and mans.
Jams! BQB, make your jelly shake…
At the thought of the 35 cents you just did make.
You can now bake…35% of a cake.
Or sleep in a motel room for 35% of the time until you do wake.
Snake. You could probably buy a serpent.
Or a few flakes of off brand laundry detergent.
Insurgent. The lady who wrote that made much more than you.
But don’t feel bad, for 35 cents is better than a pile of poo.
That’ll do pig, that’ll do. It’s what the farmer said to Babe. I thought you knew.
Didn’t you? Didn’t you already spend your 35 cents on a stick of gum?
Maybe you should just spread good will and give your 35 cents to a bum.
Daily Discussion with BQB – Amazon Buys Whole Foods
Happy Saturday, 3.5 readers.
Have you heard the news? Amazon has just bought Whole Foods for $13.4 billion dollars.
My first reaction? If Bezos has that kind of loot at his disposal, why the hell did he need to take 64 cents out of my 99 cent sale, literally the one and only copy I’ve sold of my book in over a week of it being online?
(Just kidding. This dog doesn’t bite the hand that feeds him, even if it is a tiny piece of kibble at this point. I wuv you Jeffykins!)
Did I mention you could be the second person to buy my book?
You might think this is just an interesting business deal but it’s much more.
Amazon didn’t just buy a chain of food stores. They, in essence, bought a whole shit ton of buildings that will serve as good regional distribution centers which means, yup…you’re sitting on your computer late at night, you think a nice lobster and a gallon of milk would be delicious right about now.
Just click on that button and wham-o…some dude will show up at your doorstep with a lobster and milk, both delivered in time to avoid spoilage.
I mean, the Jeffmeister doesn’t clue me in on what he’s up to but I assume that’s where this deal is headed.
Many food store chain stocks took a dive because of this news.
Do you think this is good or bad, 3.5 readers?
On one hand, I’d hate to see brick and mortar grocery stores go out of business. Perhaps they will always be around because a lot of people will still want to squeeze that melon to see if it’s ripe before they buy it.
I mean, really, who doesn’t like to squeeze a ripe melon? Am I right? Huh? :::rimshot:::
On the other hand, sometimes I waste so much time in grocery stores. You have to fight for parking. You have to find a cart. You have to roam around the aisles until you find what you want. Usually there’s some blue haired old broad standing right in the spot I need to be and I’ll have to wait an hour before she moves just so I can get my hands on my hemorrhoid cream. Extra-strength for extra itchiness!
Then you’ve got to wait in line. You’ve got to check out. Something will inevitably not have a price on it so some kid will have to go roam the whole store until he finds the price and everyone grumbles at you because you’re holding up the line.
Then you get home. You have to haul all the bags into your house. You’ll do that thing where you come super close to breaking all the bones in your hands just so you can carry extra bags to avoid making additional trips between your kitchen and your car.
Meanwhile, all the d-bags in your house will see you struggling with the groceries and they won’t lift a finger to help. You’ll resent them because they’ll still eat the food you brought home even though they didn’t help you bring it in. God, your family is a bunch of butt monkeys but you still love them.
So…yeah…I gotta be honest. The idea of being able to sit at my computer, click off all the food I want on a website, and then some dude brings it to my house for me sounds pretty sweet.
I don’t know if they’ll completely tank grocery stores altogether in the near future. Some may remain. Some may modernize and start their own online delivery services. But, yeah, in the near future, Amazon is going to take a big chunk out of the grocery biz.
Will that mean anything for us aspiring writers? Maybe we can forego monetary profit and just ask readers to send us a jar of pickles from Amazon in exchange for all the books they download from us on…Amazon.
Of course, Amazon will take 64 percent of the pickles (or 30 if you ask for 2.99 worth of pickles, but not more than 9.99 worth of pickles).
FYI I hate pickles. It’s like a witch doctor took a cucumber and did a spell on it to make it shrink.
BQB’s Writing Prompts Dropped to 99 Cents!
Ugh. Look how low I’ve fallen, 3.5 readers. The 99 cent bin already.
It was free for five days and in that time I gave away 120 free copies. I thought that was a good start.
I think it is worth more. It’s got a fabulous cover and some pretty funny content. However, after two days without a sale at $2.99, I decided that it would be better for the long run to just concentrate, for now, on bringing in more fans and then the profits will come later.
So, I’ll get a whopping 35 cents per 99 cent copy I sell, which should earn me an astounding $1.23 if all 3.5 of you fine readers buy a copy.
Just don’t do it all at once. I’m worried that extra $1.23 might move me into a higher tax bracket.
Last Chance for a Free Book!
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
Just a reminder that today is the last day of my free book giveaway for BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.
If you like my blog, like my work, if I’ve ever brightened your day with my witty banter, please mosey on over to Amazon and pickup a free copy. The more books I can give away, the more my stats rise, the more people discover the book and so on.
You don’t have to pay any money, you don’t even have to read it although you should because it’s funny…you just have to download the book for free and that’s it.
Thanks 3.5 readers.
The Real McCoy – “Oh Look At Me, I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I Have a New Book”
By: Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek
Howdy do, 3.5 readers. Howdy do indeed.
Boy oh boy, Bookshelf Q. Battler sure is insufferable lately, isn’t he? He’s walking around East Randomtown with his chest all puffed out like he’s the cock of the walk, telling everyone he sees, “Hey, I just published a book on Amazon and you should go download it for free this weekend.” I bet the guy will even turn that last quote into a hyperlink. Dang, BQB, you’re such a predictable tool bag.
Sure, it’s a big milestone for our favorite nerd but holy crap nuggets, you know what else is a big achievement? Delivering a sandwich to James Van Der Beek but did I go around telling everyone about it?
OK. Yes I did. I told like thousands of people and still do to this very day. But I didn’t write a book about it. I tried to, but all the publishers I sent a pitch letter to rejected me on account of the fact they didn’t think I’d be able to squeeze more than a chapter out about my chance encounter with JVDB. (That’s what we Van Der Beek Tweakers call ourselves.)
Joke’s on the traditional publishing industry. They didn’t think I’d be able to squeeze out more than a chapter? Hell, I’ve squeezed out an entire lifetime’s worth of satisfaction and happiness out of that one meeting. Double hell, a freight train could collide with my face tomorrow and I’d shout, “I regret nothing, for I met James Van Der Beek!”
Oh la dee da, all the East Randomtownsfolk are up BQB’s butt with a coconut, peddling a bunch of trash talk about how BQB is now officially the most famous man in East Randomtown because he put up a book on Amazon and gave away a few free copies, which, let’s be honest here, because there’s no doubt in my mind that all the free copies BQB has given away so far are being downloaded by his Aunt Gertie.
Tarnation, I wish I had my own Aunt Gertie. Maybe then I’d have the self-confidence I need to start my own blog and get my own 3.5 readers. Nah, that doesn’t mean I’m jealous of BQB. What’s there to be jealous of? BQB never met James Van Der Beek.
Wait, do you think BQB will get to meet James Van Der Beek now that he’s a big time fancy pants Amazon Kindle author? Son of a monkey stink, I better up my game.
I know what I got to do now. I have got to deliver a sandwich to that kid who played Pacey. Anyone remember his name? Aw hell, who could remember anything when you’re mind is clouded with images of JVDB’s flaxen hair and steamy come hither eyes?
Not that I’m gay or nothin.’
My Book is Free This Weekend!
Hey 3.5 readers.
I know. I’ve become “that guy.”
The guy that repeatedly tries to give away his book instead of coming up with something new and interesting to say.
I can’t help it. I’m like a proud father and this book is my baby. So, just reminding you all it is free this weekend – totally FREE, so download your copy today and check it out.
That’s it. I’ll zip my lip about it for a while. Well, I might remind you tomorrow, possibly Monday, but that’s it. Scout’s honor.
Bookshelf Battle 