Comedy | Bookshelf Battle

Mar 05 2015

Random Thoughts 4

41) For years I have wanted to check out The Human Centipede just based on the curiosity factor, but I feel doing so will warp and twist my soul. Has anyone watched it and survived?

42) Sometimes when I turn on the news and hear stories about people in third world countries fighting over extremist beliefs that belong in the dark ages, I just want to be all like, “Hey, third word people, you know we have magic pieces of glass over here that show you all the movies and games you want, right?” Because, you know, you should all stop fighting and then we can sell you magic pieces of glass and then everyone will be happy and play Candy Crush. No one wants to go to war if they have Candy Crush.

43) I feel bad for pirates. So much effort to swipe all that gold only to inevitably bury it.

44) I have decided to run for the position of Official Comptroller for the Republic of Barbados. I have nothing wittier to say on the subject.

45) Why does Hollywood put crappy movies out in January and February? Why can they just, alternatively, not make crappy movies?

46) Is the Burger King a wise and just leader, or a cruel tyrant who presides over the burgers with an iron fist?

47) 12. Scientists have definitely proven that a man must walk down 12 roads before he can call himself a man. “The answer was just blowing in the wind, my friends,” remarked one scientist.

48) I don’t understand why people sky dive.

49) Knock Knock. Who’s there? Life. Answer it.

50) Does Kenny G like listening to his own music in the elevator?

Tagged amwriting, Comedy, funny, humor, random thoughts

Mar 05 2015

8 Comments

Ask the Alien

Alien Jones Taking Your Questions

BEHOLD! The Mighty Brainy One, taking your questions and plugging your work!

Alien Jones! He knows all and is taking your questions! Inside his genius alien brain lies the secrets of the cosmos, the mysteries of the universe, and the answer to all multiple choice questions (it’s B).

Moreover, bribery is not beneath him! Ask him a question and he might plug your book, blog, or other project in his answer.

Notice how I said “might.” In other words, if your book is called, “I Heart Nazis!” or some other such nonsense, then no, he won’t plug it. He has standards. Otherwise, he’ll do his best to send the Bookshelf Battle’s 3.5 readers your way.

How did aliens master space flight? Who are the most powerful aliens? Which restaurant makes the best chocolate chip pancakes? Why was the Dexter series finale so godawful?

Your questions can be serious and thoughtful or funny and snarky. In fact, he prefers the latter.

By the way, He of the Amazing Gray Matter, posed the following question to me today:

ALIEN JONES: Bookshelf Q. Battler, does it occur to you that maybe people are leery to have their works promoted on a blog operated by an anonymous blogger with a penchant for sarcasm?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: It does. That’s why we have a guarantee. If you don’t like Alien Jones’ plug for your work, he’ll pull it. No questions asked. No hard feelings. Nothing to lose. 3.5 readers (eh, maybe a bit more even) to gain. Just sent a private message to Bookshelf Battle on Twitter asking for Alien Jones to take your plug down.

Doesn’t get any more awesome than that, folks! Submit your questions by midnight Friday to get your question in Sunday’s column.

Alien graphic courtesy of Marauder on openclipart.org

Tagged alien, aliens, amreading, amwriting, book bloggers, books, Comedy, digital publishing, funny, humor, indie authors, indie publishing, questions, sci fi, Science Fiction, self promotion, self publishers, self publishing, selfpublishing, space

Mar 03 2015

1 Comment

Uncategorized

Additional Scenarios – Will They Stop the One Day a Post Challenge?

As my 3.5 regular followers know, I’m doing a one post a day challenge.

The other day, I discussed some scenarios and explained how they will not prevent me from following through on my commitment to post once a day.

One Year of Bookshelf Battle

It’s been a whole year. As the old saying goes, “time flies when you’re having fun.”

As my 3.5 readers are aware from reading about my first attempt at a novel, I was bitten by the writing bug at a young age. That bite resurfaced big time in college, when I wrote a humor column for my school newspaper.

I remember walking through a dorm one day and seeing a column I wrote cut out of the paper and posted on a random student’s door. Wow. A person liked my writing enough to hang it up. I was hooked. I was going to be a superstar. My major book deal (in my mind) was coming any day now. I figured I’d better get my Academy Award for Best Screenplay speech written.

Then life, as it does, moved on. Realities settled in. I was just a kid from Podunk, Nowhere. The idea that I’d get scooped up by some big agent seemed about as likely as me getting abducted by aliens (which my correspondent tells me they don’t officially do anymore).

Bills needed to be paid. Life needed to be lived, and it didn’t wait for me to write a novel. It kept happening all around me.

I can’t say I have a bad life. In fact, in many ways, if my life stays as is right now, it wouldn’t be so bad.

But I have for awhile wondered what would have happened had I kept up with my writing.

It’s funny how the mind works. As a youngster, I assumed if I remained a writer I’d end up a homeless hobo selling oranges on a freeway offramp. As a, well, I won’t say old but slightly older person, I assume had I remained a writer I’d be penning scripts of the latest Hollywood blockbuster by now.

My mind is a place where there’s rarely a happy medium.

I wish the story of how this blog started was better than this, but here it goes. I was sitting in a Taco Bell parking lot, having lunch, because, you know, I’m a big health nut and pre-fabricated tacos are full of essential vitamins and minerals, and it hit me.

It was a voice telling me:

Stop wishing you’d been a writer. You aren’t old. You aren’t dead. The technology exists. If you want to be a writer, then be a writer.

That voice was my inner monologue, but for purposes of making this story awesome, let’s pretend it was a unicorn. Unicorns are often spotted at Taco Bell.

I went home that night and bookshelfbattle.com was born. A year later I have 650 or so wordpress followers, 3300 twitter followers, a magical bookshelf where book characters come alive in small, bookshelf sized versions of themselves, and an alien who writes for free.

Sometimes I even review a book.

It would be really great if one day this all turns into a multi-million dollar career that leaves me rich, famous, and the object of jealousy induced slap and tickle fights between Scarlett Johannson and Charlize Theron over who gets to have me, but at the very least, I don’t have to feel bad about not being a writer anymore.

At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Thank you for those of you who have been cheering me on from the beginning and also to those who are just joining in. I’m not sure what next year will bring, but this year, I’m posting once a day for 365 days so stick around. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

P.S. that fight over who gets me would be – “No! You get to have him! No! I don’t want him, you get him!”

Tagged amwriting, bloggers, book bloggers, bookbloggers, books, Comedy, funny, humor, readers, self publishing, selfpublishing, writers

Feb 28 2015

2 Comments

Science Fiction

Ask the Alien

Alien Jones, so named because his true moniker is virtually unpronounceable by the average human, is taking

Alien Jones, Special Guest Contributor

your questions and telling all in an effort to raise Earth above it’s current status as “the armpit of the universe.” (His words, not mine.)

What’s the deal with probing? Crop circles? Area 51? Space travel? Other planets? What’s his favorite

book? TV show? Movie? Ask him about the great mysteries of the universe, or hell, ask him why McDonald’s discontinued the McRibwich. There is no question his genius alien brain cannot answer.

So ask away and you never know, he may even be gracious enough to plug your blog in his answer.

Ask him in the comment section of this blog, tweet your questions to @bookshelfbattle or ask him on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page.

Together, we can help this alien in his message to raise our home world’s collective intelligence level. And let’s face it, that’s a pretty tall order.

Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org

Tagged aliens, amwriting, bookbloggers, books, Comedy, entertainment, funny, humor, news, sci fi, science, Science Fiction, scifi, space

Feb 28 2015

6 Comments

humor

The Dress

Top Ten Explanations for “The Dress”

1) It’s a CIA Mind Control Conspiracy. The longer we stare at it, the more hypnotized we become…

2) Same thing but aliens did it instead of the CIA. I will have to consult Alien Jones on this.

3) It’s an ancient Queen’s dress come back to haunt us.

4) It is an intelligence test.

5) It is an illuminati conspiracy to turn us against each other. Where were you on the day the people who saw white and gold separated from the people who saw black and blue?

6) Charlie Sheen found it crumpled up on his floor last night, hanged it up, and posted a pic. Had no idea it would go viral. Winning!

7) It’s a psychology study to see how long we, as a society, are willing to talk about mundane things. Answer – a long time!

8) It is a wearable Rorschach test.

9) If you see white and gold, you are awesome. Thus, proof I am awesome.

10) It is just a dress.

Seriously (or maybe not so seriously), I have long held a theory that perhaps people see things differently. I have wondered – “What if, what I see as blue, other people see as red?” and “What if, when I am talking about something I think is blue, people hear me say, ‘blue’ but they think of what I see as ‘red?'”

To blow your mind more, what if, what I see as people, you see what I believe to be lizards? What if, when you look at a lizard, you see what I would see as a tiny little person walking around on all fours?

MIND BLOWN!

Tagged Comedy, entertainment, funny, humor, media, news, pop culture, social media, the dress, thedress, twitter, what color is the dress?

Feb 27 2015

5 Comments

Special Guest Book Reviewer Frank Underwood

Bookshelf Battlers, I’m pleased to announce that Frank Underwood, Fictional President of the United States in the House of Cards world, has agreed to be a guest book reviewer today. I interviewed him earlier this week to get his thoughts on the timeless children’s classic, Green Eggs and Ham, by the incomparable Dr. Seus. Here is the transcript of that interview:

FRANK UNDERWOOD (LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA): As they say in my hometown of Gaffney,

Planning to read and review the House of Cards novel by Michael Dobbs soon. Until then, enjoy Frank’s review of Green Eggs and Ham.

South Carolina, if you’re going to do something, do it big. So why on earth would I ever allow myself to be featured on a book blog that only has 3.5 people reading it?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to this interview.

FRANK UNDERWOOD: (TO ME) No problem, sir. Why frankly, book blogs such as yours contribute to this great nation’s literacy and educational efforts. (TO CAMERA) They have another saying in Gaffney. Time is money and my time? It’s very valuable. For allowing my precious moments to circle round and round the drain of eternity only to be swallowed by the sewer of oblivion, I’ll have this wannabe writer dispatched posthaste. It will look like an accident and the world will be none the wiser.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Mr. President, who are you talking to?

FRANK UNDERWOOD: What? Oh, no one in particular. I just like to break the fourth wall from time to time.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: So – Green Eggs and Ham. What did you think?

FRANK UNDERWOOD: To try new things or to stay with the same old same old is the raisone d’etre of this childish farce from a man who, between you and me, had very questionable doctor’s credentials. I don’t believe I ever saw him perform a single surgery. However, his credentials as a bona fide scribe are without question. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Did you learn any lessons you’d like to share with my 3.5 readers?

FRANK UNDERWOOD: Why, I’m glad you asked. People should open their minds. To remain steadfast to old, worn out traditions is to become irrelevant. I’m all about trying new things. My wife Claire and I try new things all the time… (TO CAMERA) – …usually with Meechum.

(UNDERWOOD’S PHONE RINGS. BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER was able to obtain a transcript of the following exchange between the President and the First Lady. A sawbuck to Doug Stamper may or may not have been involved)

CLAIRE: Frank, how is the interview going? Are you informing bookshelfbattle.com’s 3.5 readers about why they need to read The Lorax?

FRANK: I’m sorry, dear. I changed it to Green Eggs and Ham at the last minute.

CLAIRE: But we talked about this! We agreed that a review of The Lorax would be more conducive to my non-profit environmental efforts!

FRANK: The Lorax is an unwashed hippie, Claire. Running around, talking gibberish, trying to shut down corporations that keep the working man employed. I’m sorry Claire, but association with the Lorax is a no go. Joey the Dog’s reluctant yet eventually compliant spirit of can do enthusiasm is exactly what my presidency needs.

CLAIRE: Reluctant yet eventually compliant…

FRANK: I know. Sounds like the night we spent with Meechum.

(FRANK hangs up the phone)

FRANK: Where were we?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Discussing Green Eggs and Ham.

FRANK: Ahh yes. Now sir, philosophers may disagree about the socioeconomic strategies vis a vis green food products but I for one…

(My phone rings)

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: I’m sorry, Mr. President. Hold that thought. Hello?

CLAIRE: Bookshelf Q. Battler, this is the first lady. You need to tank Frank’s review of Green Eggs and Ham, but never let it be known I had anything to do with it. You need to put up a review of The Lorax in its place.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Um. OK then.

(I hang up my phone).

FRANK: (TO THE CAMERA) Kept waiting by a wordpress wonder. The indignity. (TO ME) Now then, if we could discuss Sam I Am’s place in the literary world, I think we’ll find that…

(My phone rings again)

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Mr. President, I’m so sorry. One moment. Hello?

REMY DANTON: Mr. Battler. Remy Danton, big time Washington lobbyist here. We need to talk. Listen, cancel Underwood’s review of Green Eggs and Ham. What the American people really want is a review of The Cat in the Hat.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: You think so?

REMY DANTON: I know so. A magical cat whisks a pair of children into a fantasy filled with wonder and make-believe. Your 3.5 regular readers will find that much more enjoyable. For Christ Sake’s, you might even get yourself on Reddit. That’s the big time for book bloggers.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: I’ll think about it.

(I hang up. My phone rings again)

FRANK: Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just looking through some files while I wait. (TO CAMERA) And also plotting as to which dumpster your bloated corpse will find itself in.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Hello?

RAYMOND TUSK: Hello, Mr. Battler. This is Raymond Tusk, a highly influential rich man who bears a striking resemblance to Major Dad. Listen, Frank Underwood is trying to shove Green Eggs and Ham down your throat and Remy Danton is trying to stick the Cat in the Hat up your you know what. Ignore both those losers and offer your readers a review of Horton Hears a Who.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Why?

RAYMOND TUSK: Son, trying new things is overrated. Do you know why eggs turn green? Mold. Eggs turn green when they are moldy. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever eaten a moldy egg?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: No.

RAYMOND TUSK: Of course not. And do you know why?

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: No.

RAYMOND TUSK: Because you don’t need to shove a pile of mold in your mouth in order to realize it would taste awful. Some things that are new to you should never be experienced because you already have a built-in sense that certain things are better left untried.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Makes sense.

(I hang up)

FRANK: (TO CAMERA) As they say in Gaffney, sometimes you need to stick your hand up a book blogger’s posterior and work him like a puppet. (TO ME) Level with me son. You’ve got my wife demanding that you review The Lorax. I know you’d never do that because you’re smart enough to realize that no one cares what that walrus mustached clown has to say.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: OK.

FRANK: That two-bit hack Remy Danton wants you to review The Cat in the Hat. Imagine. A six foot tall anthropomorphic feline waltzes right into a home uninvited and proceeds to encourage the unattended children to engage in all sorts of tomfoolery. Why, the fish is the only voice of reason in the entire publication. Where on earth were the children’s parents amidst all of this foolishness? I’ve a good mind to call social services.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: I have always sided with the fish. Except for one book I wrote and tried to turn into a movie.

FRANK: And Horton Hears a Who? An elephant who believes he talks to tiny people. That book is absolute madness and has no business offending your 3.5 readers’ eyes.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Agreed. Green Eggs and Ham it is.

FRANK: Delightful. Now, how are you getting home? Do you need a car? Scratch that. You should just take the train…

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: Ummm….I’m fine. I think I’ll just walk.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Joey the Dog is the actual name of the guy that Sam I Am tries to feed green eggs and ham to. I had to look it up.

Tagged actors, book bloggers, books, Comedy, entertainment, funny, hollywood, house of cards, house of cards season 3, humor, kevin spacey, netflix, news, pop culture

Feb 26 2015

9 Comments

Bookshelf Battle's Greatest Hits, Guest Contributors

Intergalactic Awesomeness

By: Alien Jones (Special Guest Contributor)

Greetings pathetic 3.5 human readers.

Do not attempt to adjust your computer. I have taken control of bookshelfbattle.com

Alien Jones, Special Guest Contributor to bookshelfbattle.com

To pronounce my name would require you to rub sandpaper on your tongue for three hours and then stretch it out while a musician strums it like a ukulele string. Neither of us have time for that, so you may simply refer to me as “Alien Jones.”

This name was carefully selected after I asked the computer on my spaceship to determine a name that the insignificant human mind could wrap itself around. It came down to either “Alien Jones” or “Goofy Space Man.” I selected the most dignified option of the two.

Do not embarrass yourself by asking what planet I hail from. By edict of my emperor, I am forbidden to tell you. My home world has passed legislation known as the “Keep the Humans from Finding Us So Our Airwaves Are Not Filled with Reality Television Act.” Violation will result in me being slapped unconscious with my own ganderflazer.

First and foremost, I’d like to take this opportunity to share a public service announcement. My home world banned the practice of human probing over a thousand years ago, in the year you would refer to as 1015 A.D. At that time, our revered team of scientists and medical doctors announced they had discovered all there is to be learned through endoscopic exploration of human nether regions.

The practice was banned but, alas, even a highly intelligent species such as mine is not without its weirdoes. Rogue aliens have been conducting their own unsanctioned probing missions to your planet for an entire millennium. Many of you simple folk have been duped into being willing participants.

Therefore, please be aware that if an alien demands to probe you in the name of intergalactic science, he is acting alone and not under the authority of the emperor of my home world. You may comply if you so choose, or you may beat him with his own ganderflazer. The decision is entirely yours.

Now that I have dispensed with the pleasantries, I shall explain why I have briefly taken control of this blog.

I am not going to sugar coat it, Earth. You dudes are really screwing the pooch. You have a planet capable of sustaining life. Many species, including my own, recognize this miracle and act accordingly. You people?

Compare the accomplishments of my world vs. yours:

MEDICINE

MY WORLD: Our scientists have eradicated all diseases and remedied all bodily maladies. We live happy, pain free lives. Hospitals are non-existent as they are no longer necessary.

EARTH: Has yet to cure cancer or heart disease, yet erectile dysfunction pills are in abundant supply. Prioritize much, losers?

TECHNOLOGY

MY WORLD: All media is downloaded directly to our brains.

EARTH: The device you call an iPad was used by our prehistoric cave aliens to wipe their expectorant holes. We felt sorry for you nimrods, watching you tether yourselves to your televisions and computers that we decided to throw you a bone and beam the idea into the brain of renowned computer scientist, Mr. Steven Jobs.

TRANSPORTATION

MY WORLD: We have mastered intergalactic space travel.

EARTH: You people have barely mastered the Pontiac Aztec.

ENTERTAINMENT

MY WORLD: We have developed 4D television which allows you to enter and live as a character in your favorite program.

EARTH: Breaking Bad. OK. We will give you that one.

Aside from Breaking Bad, an idea we totally beamed into the mind of Mr. Vincent Gilligan, your planet is really stinking up the universe, Earthlings.

And to help you unstink yourselves, we beamed the idea to create this blog straight into the mind of Bookshelf Q. Battler. Yes, this site is an ongoing chronicle of one man’s love of books, movies, media, writing, and tales from his magic bookshelf.

But we zapped the idea to create this blog into Mr. Bookshelf’s mind. We even implanted him with the idea to blog once a day for a year.

Why?

Because we have identified Bookshelf Q. Battler as the most awesome dude on your planet, and frankly, given the pool of talent you’ve got down there, that isn’t saying much. Even so, this guy is pretty awesome, so you should all listen to him….and follow his blog…and follow his twitter…and follow him on Google Plus…and sing songs of his awesomeness from the rooftops. Also, bake him chocolate chip cookies.

Are you still unconvinced? Here is a smattering of what the most awesome individual on your pitiful planet has been up to lately:

When the F$%k Should Your Characters Swear? – Yes. Delightful. The worst swear in my language would require you to pull out your tongue and jump rope with it. You could never pronounce it and I certainly hope you never encounter a situation in which you deem it necessary to utter it.

A Review of Birdman – Even we aliens agree Michael Keaton was robbed. 1989 Batman forever!

A Response from the Yeti – Do you know any other bloggers willing to fight a snow beast just to blog for you? I thought not.

Those are just three of the best posts written by Bookshelf Q. Battler this month. I could go on and on all day about the awesomeness he has put into the universe over the past year.

And to help him garner the attention of more than a paltry 3.5 readers, I will, from time to time, take control of this blog through my space ship’s super computer and remind you of his latest contributions to your planet’s supply of cool stuff.

Your planet is lagging, Earthlings. Bookshelf Q. Battler will help you catch up. Continue to follow his blog, and maybe one day we will allow your species to sit at the intergalactic adults’ table.

Thank you for reading. You may now return to your programs about Kardashians and pizzas with crusts stuffed with cheese, as if you all aren’t portly enough already.

Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org

Tagged alien, alien jones, aliens, amwriting, book bloggers, book blogs, Comedy, entertainment, funny, humor, Movies, news, sci fi, science, Science Fiction, sciencefiction, scifi, social media, space, space exploration, writers

Feb 24 2015

2 Comments

Not About Books

I feel I must advise you…

…that February only has 28 days because all those months with 31 days are too selfish to share.

Tagged amreading, amwriting, book bloggers, books, Comedy, funny, humor

Feb 22 2015

4 Comments

One a Day Post Challenge

A Response from the Yeti

EDITOR’S NOTE: This morning I, as I sipped my coffee at Bookshelf Battle HQ, I discovered, much to my great surprise, the following note scrawled in poor penmanship taped to my front door. I cleaned it up a little, removed the many, many obscenities, and typed it out. Personally, I do not believe the Yeti deserves a response, but I suppose that in the name of fairness, I must allow him one.

Here is my recent post about my encounter with the Yeti.

And now, the Yeti’s response:

MY RESPONSE TO BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER’S OUTRAGEOUS, LIBELOUS STATEMENTS

By: The Yeti

Hello. This is the Yeti. And boy do I have a bee in my bonnet to share with you people.

Did I break into Bookshelf Battle Headquarters? Yes. Did I make my way into Bookshelf Q. Battler’s personal office space? Yes.

Did I have a right to be there? No. Did Bookshelf Q. Battler have the right to subdue me with brute force? Yes.

But let’s be honest about how it all went down.

Bookshelf Q. Battler is trying to present this tough guy image, paint himself as the only book blogger who fights monsters with his left hand while holding the book he’s reading in his right. Ridiculous.

The truth that his 3.5 regular readers need to hear is that Bookshelf Q. Battler is no tough guy at all. Before I broke into his compound, I spent many hours observing him through his living room window. That’s not weird because I was on a mission.

What did I observe? I observed one Bookshelf Q. Battler in a bathrobe, a makeshift bath towel turban on his head, cold cream on his face, sipping a strawberry daiquiri while watching Steel Magnolias. In fact, I observed on his coffee table a pile of DVDs, the titles of which included Beaches, Thelma and Louise, and Fried Green Tomatoes. It was a veritable treasure trove of 90’s era female empowerment flicks. And he calls himself a tough guy.

You want to know who the real tough guy is? Me. The Yeti. That’s who. You see, I have used my special yeti powers to forsake most of America with blistering cold temperatures just so I can walk around your Godforsaken land and hunt Bookshelf Q. Battler with impunity. Yetis, as you may or may not be aware, need blistering cold temperatures to survive. That’s just science.

Why am I after Bookshelf Q. Battler, you ask? Long story short, I’m a Russian Yeti. I’m not like my cousins, those high falutin,’ free-thinking Canadian yetis, or worse, those party all night, sleep all day Alaskan yetis.

I’m a yeti straight outta’ Siberia, son, and in Siberia, we have rules. We stand in line for three days just to get our weekly ration kit, which includes: one granola bar, half a cup of water, one stale biscuit, and three toilet paper squares. The Siberian powers that be have recently discussed the possibility of upping our allotment to four toilet paper squares, but if you ask me, that’s way too decadent. Four toilet paper squares today means we’re all a bunch of Western wannabes tomorrow. Four toilet paper squares will lead to us wearing cowboy hats, driving around in pink Cadillacs, and yelling, “Wazzzup?” at each other.

Is “Wazzzup?” still even a thing in your country? I don’t know. We are just now getting documentaries of your renowned scientist, Steven Urkel. I must say, his neighbors should be ashamed of the way they treated a man of such brilliance.

Anyway, this all started a few weeks ago. I was sitting in the Siberian yeti village, gathered in the hut I share with five hundred of my yeti relatives, all huddled around the one computer we collectively own. It is a 1986 Commodore 64, the absolute height of modern Western technology. You didn’t think we’d get our hands on one of your precious Commodore 64’s, did you, America? But we did. And now we play Topper with reckless abandon. All day long, we take turns controlling a mustached bartender as he whips one frothy beverage mug after another at his patrons.

Between games, we surf the net. We do this through a Wi-Fi generating device we have devised through a pile of rusty tin cans, the engine from a 1964 Yugo, one thousand AA batteries, and a bag of blueberry muffins. Do not ask me how it works. Your fat, stupid, lazy, reality TV show addled American brains could never possibly comprehend the basic principles of yeti science.

While searching for a book entitled, 101 Ways to Make Your Three Toilet Paper Squares Last Longer, we stumbled upon Bookshelf Q. Battler’s website, bookshelfbattle.com

We held a Siberian yeti meeting, the conclusion of which was that Bookshelf Q. Battler’s website is much too awesome, that if allowed to exist, it would spread awesomeness all over the globe. And the day that people are filled with ideas of awesomeness is the day that people and yetis alike start allowing their heads to be filled with ridiculous nonsense, like three toilet paper squares per week is not enough.

I, “The Yeti,” was elected by my yeti brothers and sisters to hunt Bookshelf Q. Battler down and stop his one post a day challenge. We simply cannot allow people to receive that much daily awesomeness for a year, even if those people number 3.5.

This brings us to the crux of my complaint. Did Bookshelf Q. Battler punch me in the face? Yes. However, he has left out crucial information and therefore, is guilty of a lie by omission. He’d have you think that he punched me in the face after an elaborate exchange of fisticuffs, when in reality, he zapped me in the back with a cattle prod, turned me around on the swivel chair I was sitting on, and then punched me in the face AFTER I was already unconscious.

Because I was already subdued, I believe that Bookshelf Q. Battler is guilty of “book blogger brutality.” My team of attorneys, who are also Siberian yetis, are currently exploring what options I may have to sue Bookshelf Q. Battler for the 3.5 dollars in his possession. This money will go a long way to alleviate my pain and suffering, not to mention make me the wealthiest yeti in all of Siberia. I will buy all of the toilet paper squares and rule the yeti village like a king.

Thank you, boorish and incompetent Americans, for taking the time to listen to my side of the story.

Sincerely,

The Yeti

EDITOR’S NOTE: Lesson learned. The next time I catch a yeti sitting in the swivel chair at my desk, trying to log on to my computer in an effort to shut down my blog, I will not take pity on him and leave his twitching carcass on the curb. I will use my taxidermy skills to stuff him and leave him on my front door as a warning to all yetis everywhere.

The bathrobe? True. The cold cream? True. The daiquiri? True. What, I’m not allowed to unwind after a long day of bookshelf battling?

The DVDs were not 90’s era female empowerment movies. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The DVDs were 1990’s era action movies. I was engrossed in a Jean Claude Vann Damme marathon. It made me nostalgic for the days I spent teaching him everything he knows.

Did I electrocute the yeti in the back with a cattle prod before I punched him in the face? Yes. Was the yeti already unconscious? No. Everyone knows that cattle prods only slow yetis down, they do not subdue them. The shock mildly stunned the yeti, giving me the upper hand I needed to apply the coupe de grace of a clothesline smash to the yeti’s proverbial snot box. It wasn’t pretty. I didn’t want to do it. But I had no choice. A man’s bookshelf battle compound is his castle.

If you have a question for me, post it below. If you have a question for the Yeti, you may also post it and I will pose it to him. He has agreed to take your questions.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to both sides. I feel confident that my 3.5 regular readers will realize that I am a bastion of truth and honesty, whereas the Yeti is a dirty, dirty liar.

Tagged amreading, amwriting, bookbloggers, books, Comedy, entertainment, funny, humor, yeti

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