Sure, your ass will get eighty percent fatter but it’s worth it, 3.5.
Tons of M and Ms merchandise but really the best part is getting yourself of bulk pick your own M and Ms.
Mmm delicious. And if your ass isn’t fat enough, the Hershey store is right next door.
Let me ask you this, 3.5 – plain or peanut?
Rice Krispy treats. Candy apples. Cookies. All delicious, mouse shaped and at this time of year, Halloween themed.
Not gonna lie, 3.5 readers. Most of these are going to be about food.
Hey kids, avoid strangers all year along.
Except on October 31.
Then put on a dumb costume and knock on strangers’ doors and demand free foodstuffs.
Who the hell invented this dumb holiday?
Oh wait. I forgot.
We here at BQB HQ love Halloween.
So without further ado, the Top Ten Halloween Candies
#10 – Candy Corn (Best)
An old staple. Sweet. Delicious.
Do you like the chocolate candy corn? You know the ones where the bottom stripe is chocolate?
Eh, I do like chocolate but I prefer my candy corn to have the white stripes at the bottom.
I don’t know why. I’ve done a lot of thought on this though and that white stripe tastes better than the chocolate strip.
The white strip basically tastes like the candy corn flavor and I can only get that candy corn flavor at Halloween time, whereas I can get chocolate all year long.
#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (Best)
So much of my ass fat is compromised of peanut butter cups.
Mmmm.
You got chocolate in my peanut butter. No, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!
Yum. Delicious.
#8 – Coupons (Worst)
Fast food joints, stores, restaurants – they often sell coupons to pass out as Halloween treats.
Hey, here’s a coupon for a free ice cream cone.
What the eff, lady? Don’t give me an IOU for a treat. I want my snack now.
These go right in the garbage and the corporations make big money essentially selling people nothing.
#7 – Large Candy Bars (Best)
There’s always one fine citizen who will go out and buy a bunch of regular size candy bars to pass out.
That’s right. Screw those “fun size” bars.
What’s fun about tiny candies?
The only thing that happens with a fun size candy bar is you trick your mind into eating twenty of them because they’re so small and that you end up with an ass the size of a barcalounger.
Bless you, citizen who went the extra mile and got big candy bars.
By the way – if a tiny candy bar is fun size, is a big candy bar boring size?
There’s a noodle scratcher.
#6 – Pennies (Worst)
Ugh.
Come on, old people.
I know you’re trying to get rid of your loose change.
I know those pennies are actually worth something.
But pennies aren’t edible. They aren’t delicious. They will not make my ass fatter.
#5 – Unwrapped Baked Goods (Worst)
Well, thanks lady I gotta trash that because for all I know it could have a razor blade or a laxative or poison or something.
#4 – Popcorn Balls (Best or Possibly Worst)
Love ’em, but only if they’re wrapped.
#3 – Gum (Best)
Good for a minute or two, then it just becomes a sticky mess under your chair…sigh…just like my life.
#2 – Smarties (Best)
Mmm. Sugary crack.
You ever try to unwrap them and keep them together in a line without the wrapper?
Good times.
#1 – Kit Kat
Give me a break, give me a break…aww, you know the rest.
Did I leave your favorite Halloween candy off the list, 3.5 readers?
Discuss in the comments!
I’ve got a problem, 3.5 readers.
Some people toke the ganja.
Others pop the pills.
There are people who even fill their nostrils with Bolivian Nose Candy.
Me? I chase a fizzy, bubbly dragon known as diet soda.
Sure, the love affair started out simply enough.
So many years ago, I needed to stay awake longer so I could study harder.
I thought all the studying would lead me to become a great man.
Had I known the height of my achievement would be to become the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers my responses would have been “What’s a blog?” and “Oh, I guess I’ll study less and sleep more then.”
Anyway, as the years went on, I became thoroughly hooked on the fizz.
It’s a vicious cycle. I feel like I need it to stay awake. But then because I’m jacked up on the caffeine, I can’t sleep. And then because I didn’t sleep enough, I’m tired during the day, so I reach for a soda.
Oh and the diet soda isn’t always enough. Sometimes I go for the hard stuff. Full on calorie laden regular cola.
And you know, if it were just me, I’d give in to the fizzy dragon. I’d let the aspartame and sodium and caffeine and god knows what else course through my veins until I keep over in a pool of carbonated brown sugar water.
But its not me anymore. Its me and my 3.5 readers and damn it, my 3.5 readers need me.
Who will entertain my 3.5 readers but me?
Who will feed the minds of my 3.5 readers but me?
Who will make my 3.5 readers feel better about themselves because at least they have accomplished more than starting a blog with 3.5 readers but me?
My 3.5 readers need me and I must live a long, happy, healthy life in order to entertain them.
Thus, I’m doing this for you, 3.5 readers.
Today, I will suck down my last soda.
Tomorrow, I begin the long walk to soda fiend recovery.
That’s right. No soda pills. No soda patches. No soda 12-step programs. No soda rehab centers.
I’m going cold turkey baby.
And I’ll update you once in awhile on how the soda quitting efforts are going.
I hope this will inspire you to drop your bad habits, 3.5 readers. Or if you don’t have any, to not develop any.
Thanks for reading, 3.5. As usual, you’re a trio and a half of good eggs.
Sincerely,
Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein (Better known to his 3.5 readers as Bookshelf Q. Battler or BQB)
Oh, sweet cheesy mozzarella sticks. Italian herbs and cheese in stick form, perfect for dipping into marinara sauce. Once ingested into my stomach, they will bind me up and make me drop a brick but it will be so worth it.
Attorney Donnelly advises me to note this is not a photo of Applebee’s mozzarella sticks per se but just random sticks in general. Either way, so delish and nutrish.
The Applebees website lists their mozzarella stick appetizer at eight bucks. (I assume Mrs. Applebee comes out and gives you a back massage or something.)
So, I’m thinking I’ll price How the West Was Zombed at 2.99 and then once you factor in Jeff Bezo’s cut, I’ll probably need to sell four copies just to make sure I have enough.
You know what? Let’s go for five copies. I’ll want a soda to wash all that gooey cheese down.
What a world we live in. Never did I once dream that I would ever be a successful enough writer to buy my own plate of cheese sticks and now I’ll be wolfing them down.
I don’t know exactly when. There’s still a lot of work to do. But there’s definitely a light at the end of the tunnel for the first draft and thus that’ll be a first for me.
Not sure how long, could be a year or two before it gets self-published but now I know it is not a question of if but when.
Those cheese sticks will be mine and I owe it all to my 3.5 readers.
Oh wait. Damn it. I’m going to need 5.5 readers to get cheese sticks and a coke. Come on people, I need 2 more readers to make my dream of a delicious appetizer come true.
In the meantime, 3.5 readers, would you do me a favor and read what I have written so far of How the West Was Zombed?
Your comments (good or bad) bring this project closer to fruition. If you help me whip this book into good enough shape I might even…no…dare I dream it?
Get an entire fiesta lime chicken entree. Oh sweet, delicious chicken seasoned with lime…
Hey 3.5 readers.
Have you seen the trailer for Sausage Party yet?
So here’s the setup. Seth Rogen and James Franco (the comedy duo behind Pineapple Express and also that movie that almost led to a war with North Korea) have made a cartoon.
For the first thirty seconds of the trailer, you almost think it is another Pixar style cartoon. What’s every Pixar movie about? Talking toys. Talking cars. Talking bugs. Talking planes. Talking fish. Always about something that doesn’t talk only now it is talking.
This one is about food. Yes. All this time you never knew that food products can talk. They sit on the store shelves, waiting for you to pick them up with the hope that you’re going to do something great with them and….
…yup…the food products engage in all kinds of obscenity once they learn what people actually do with food.
Here’s the Sony Red Band Trailer. If you don’t want to be offended you probably shouldn’t watch:
I’ve been hearing these guys talk about this project on different talk shows for awhile now.
It sounds like a funny concept to me but I’m a male with a warped sense of humor so I’m basically their target demographic.
I give them credit for actually getting the studio to put up the money needed for Pixar quality rendering…or for getting a studio for doing something completely outside of the box for that matter.
PREDICTIONS:
Anyway, I will have to check this out and write a review for my 3.5 readers when it comes out.
I’m a day late but what the hell.
What is your favorite kind of pie, 3.5 readers? (Hey, 3.5 is pretty close to 3.14.)
Maybe I should call you “pi readers.”
That could become my new thing. “Hi. I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I run a blog dedicated to entertaining pi readers.”
By: Uncle Hardass, Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Uncle Hardass, bringing a whopping 20.5 readers to the Bookshelf Battle Blog
Hello again you 3.5 unwashed hippy weasels.
Mother of God, my last column went viral. Of course, in the parlance of Bookshelf Q. Battler, my good for nothing nephew, “going viral” means a post gets 20.5 readers. It doesn’t take much for that dufus to pop a champagne cork.
Don’t you people have jobs? This is what you do with your lives? Read articles on a blog published by a jackass? Yeesh. No wonder the Japanese are beating us. Japanese kids wake up every morning at four a.m. and complete seventy-eight complex math problems before breakfast. How much long division have you done today?
You want complaints? Good, ‘cuz I got ’em.
Do you know what really puts the butter on my yams? When I walk into a McDonalds, ready for my Big Mac, and there’s some ignorant brain donor standing there, pouring over the menu like its the goddamn Zapruder film, trying to figure out what the hell he wants.
NEWSFLASH DINGUS! THEY’VE HAD THE SAME BULLSHIT ON THE MENU SINCE NINETEEN HUNDRED AND F%$KING FIFTY FIVE!
Hamburgers, chicken nuggets, and French fries, jerkface! That’s all they’ve got! THAT’S ALL THEY’VE GOT!
No, if you stare at that menu a little longer they’re not going to come up with a McFilet Mignon.
They aren’t going to whip up a pot of McSpaghetti for you and you want a bet? Here’s a bet for you. If you ever walk into a McDonald’s and walk out with a McBaked Alaska, I will personally chop off my own butt and mail it to Barbados.
THAT, 3.5 readers, is how absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent sure I am that McDonald’s is not going to ever, EVER deviate from the hamburger, chicken nugget, French fry trifecta that has been making them billions and clogging bazillions more arteries since the middle half of the last century.
They even put it on the sign. Right under the golden arches! “OVER A HUNDRED BILLION SERVED.” I think they stopped counting at a hundred billion. Over a hundred billion people have walked into McDonalds, ordered a hamburger, and walked out, but there will still always be a dirty mouth breather ahead of me who has no clue what he wants.
Take a guess from one of the three items on the menu, jackass! You’ve got a 33.33 % chance of getting it right!
Does McDonalds even put a burgers served count on their sign anymore? I don’t even know what they put under the arches now. I don’t pay attention because I don’t have to because when I go there I’m hungry and I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT!
So listen, Johnny Assclown, if you are able to walk into a McDonald’s and not immediately know whether you want A) a hamburger, B) a box of chicken nuggets or C) an order of French fries then please step aside and take all the time you need to mull over this question of the ages so hard working people can put their order in and get back to their job at the salt mines.
Sorry 3.5 readers. I just get emotional about this subject. While I’m ranting, here are some other issues that really scrape my barnacles:
That’s all I’ve got for today, 3.5 nitwits. Knock off the blogging nonsense and get a job today. The salt mines are always hiring.
Is there something that puts the cream in your cheese? Share your complaints in the comments. Or don’t. What do I care?
Whatever you do, please stop encouraging my nephew. Writing is for losers, smarmy intellectuals, and other assorted schmucks.
I’ve tried my best not to do a throwaway post in this one post a day for a year challenge but here goes:
I live waffles!
Bookshelf Battle 