Tag Archives: music

May 16 2016
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BQB's Romance Tips for Nerds

BQB’s Romance Tips for Nerds #1 – Oui by Jeremih

Hey Nerds.

BQB here.

Look, I’m no Casa Nova, but I’ve learned a thing or three in my day.

If you’re reading this blog then you’re probably a lonely nerd.

If there’s a she-nerd out there who’s on the fence as to whether or not you’re the man for her, put yourself over the top by playing “Oui” by Jeremih.

Forget that commercial where Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (that guy who plays Jamie Lannister on Game of Thrones) strikes out when he plays it.

He was up against Alison Brie, a famous actress who probably gets hit on by famous men all day long. She’s immune to it.

The average woman is powerless against Jeremih’s smooth vocals and I’m telling you, just bring “Oui” up on your phone, push play and she’ll be all over you like stink on a monkey.

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May 14 2016
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The Funky Hunks

The Funky Hunks – Greatest Hits Album

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Read N’ Plenty (Known Today as Bookshelf Q. Battler, Proprietor of a Website With 3.5 Readers)

The Funky Hunks.  Bookshelf Q. Battler and Bernie Plotznick, or as you knew them back in the day, Read N’ Plenty and MC Plotz.

They were the most wholesome, least controversial rap duo ever assembled, and that’s why your moms listened to them more than you did.

Relive the late 1990’s again with these non-threatening songs:

  • “Get Yo Milk On, Sucka”
  • “Look Both Ways Before You Cross Da Street, Playa”
  • “Straight Up Recyclin'”
  • “Girl…We Should Get to Know Each Other in an Extended Courtship First”
  • “Damn Baby, I’mma Have Yo Ass Home By 10:30 P.M.”
  • “Hygiene, What’s It Mean?”
  • “Carrots B. Tas-tay”
  • “Word to Yo Toothbrush”
  • “Call Yo Damn Grandma, Fool”
  • “Tell That Stranger to Step Off”
  • “Fight 4 Da Right to Bedazzle”
  • “Homework Betta Recognize”
  • “Can’t a Dawg Get a Decent Pair of Slacks at a Reasonable Price Up in This Bitch?”
  • “Fs Go Away, I’m A Plussin Everday”
  • “Straight Outta Bean Dip”
  • “Me So Studious”
  • “Etiquette Yourself Before You Wrecketiquette Yourself”
  • “Cuz I Got High…On Life”
  • “Break Me Off a Piece of Dat Bran Muffin”
  • “Girl, I’mma Need Your Unequivocal, Verbalized Permission Before I Kiss You”
  • “I Wanna Be a Decent, Stand-Up Taxpaying Citizen So Friggin’ Bad”
  • “Put Yo Clothes On Girl, I Barely Know You”
  • “Mad Hella Fiber in My Diet, Son”
  • “If You Aint Floss, Yo Teeth Aint Clean, Sucka”
  • “Increasing Auto Insurance Rates Be Everyone’s Problem, Ya Heard?”
  • “Girl, I’mma Come Inside and Say Hello to Yo Pops Before I Take You to Da Movies and Keep My Hands to My Mutha Truckin’ Self Da Entire Time”
  • “Wheat Grass Aint No Joke”
  • “Straight Up Tippin Dat Hard Workin’ Waitress”
  • “Wash a Dish…Wipe a Dish”
  • “Bake a Cake for a Homeless Veteran, Cuz”
  • “I’mma Dream It, I’mma Do It”
  • “I Got 99 Problems But Bad Manners Aint One”
  • “Bustin Caps…on the Soda Bottle B4 It Go Flat”
  • “Damn It Feels Good to Turn Off a Light and Save My Parents Some Money on the Electric Bill”

All these hits and more, wherever wholesome late 90s rap songs are sold!

What were your favorite Funky Hunk jams? Post them in the comments!

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MC Plotz

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May 11 2016
2 Comments
Tomfoolery

Monica Lewinsky’s Tweet About Lemonade

OK I thought of something to write about.

I haven’t listened to Beyonce’s Lemonade yet but apparently it is some kind of denouncement of Jay Z’s cheating with a chick on the side, or in general a lament about “other women.”

Ahh…what rarified air one must live in to have Beyonce and still feel the need to get side action (and be able to get that side action) but I digress.

Anyway, Monica Lewinsky, perhaps the most notable chick on the side in U.S. political history, tweeted this:

And you know what? I say good for her. It only took twenty years but at least now she can laugh about that whole kerfuffle.

3.5 readers, regardless of your political persuasion, can we all agree that its way past time to let Monica off the hook for, you know, her extracurricular activities vis a vis the executive branch?

Should she have ever really been on the hook in the first place?

Was she an adult at the time? Sure. But she was a young one. Like early twenties. And the President of the United States, the frigging Leader of the Free World came on to her…

I’m sorry but I can’t fault her for playing that saxophone.

And between the President of the United States or the intern in her early 20’s, I feel like the Prez bore the greater responsibility to keep those escapades from happening.

Not that it would ever happen but hell, if I ever find myself working for a lady president, and the lady president asks me to do some exploratory research down south…I don’t think I’d be able to say no.  I mean, she’s the lady president.

Get on with your bad self, Monica.  At least you made the late 1990’s interesting.

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May 03 2016
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The Yeti

The Yeti Covers Adele’s “Hello”

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Color me surprised as I woke up this morning to my arch nemesis, the enormous furry snow monster known simply as, “The Yeti” attempting to make amends with me by singing a cover song of Adele’s Hello.

Oh, for those just joining in, I’ve been keeping a Yeti prisoner in my basement ever since he broke into BQB HQ and attempted to shut down the Bookshelf Battle Blog because Yetis are boring as hell and they want the world to be as boring as they are.

He’s been free to go for awhile now but he just hangs out, pretends he’s a prisoner, and eats all my food.

Here’s what the Yeti serenaded me with:

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Stupid Yeti

Hello…it’s the Yeti.

I was wondering if after all these months you’d like to meet.

To go over…all the ways I hate your stupid blog.

They say that it’s supposed to be funny.

But I ain’t…laughed…too much.

Hello, can you hear the Yeti?

I’m in your basement dreaming about the fights we used to have.

When we were younger…and we were free.

When we used to roundhouse kick each other in the face with our feet.

There’s such a rift…between us.

And our Thursday night Scandal parties don’t help.

Hello from your stupid basement!

My good Yeti name faces defacement!

But I want to tell you I’m sorry…for not stopping your blog.

The world’s brains it does clog.

Hello, from your basement.

At least I can say that I tried.

To roundhouse kick you in the face, BQB.

For your blog is more abominable than me.

Hello, do we have cheese dip?

If you’re going to keep me as a Yeti prisoner I might as well eat.

And I have demands.

Like can I get free cable down here?

Yes it’s no secret that the both of us,

Will fight for…ever.

So hello from your stupid basement (stupid basement!)

I must have tried a thousand times (thousand times)

To pull the plug on your stupid ass blog,

And make the world a better place.

Hello from my Yeti jail (Yeti jail)

There are no hot Yeti chicks down here for me to nail (for me to nail)

And I want to tell you I’m sorry…for not roundhouse kicking you more.

It would be an improvement to your stupid nerd face.

Hello from my Yeti captivity!

Your basement has no Wi-Fi connectivity!

And I really wanted to stream some Netflix.

Are there any shows with Yeti chicks?

Hello from my Yeti dungeon!

Oh BQB your dumbass head I want to bludgeon!

In our next roundhouse kick to the face competition rematch

Until then I want cookies, so bake me a batch.

 

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Apr 26 2016
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search engine optimized poet

Search Engine Optimized Poet – What is Beyonce’s Lemonade About?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

Lemonade!  Whoa, Lemonade!

What is Beyonce’s new album all about?

Is Rachel Roy “Becky with good hair?”

Of that can there be any doubt?

Or is it about black female power?

Hell, is it just about a tasty yellow drink that is sour?up-korora-beatnik-800px

I swear I don’t know and I have been at this for an hour.

Hair!  Becky with good hair!

Who in the heck could you be?

Where can I find you, Becky oh Becky, are you way up high in a tree?

HBO!  Whoa, HBO!  Why are there so many good shows on you?

When Melisandre turned into an elderly hag, I swear I almost made a Number Two.

Melisandre’s necklace!  Whoa, Melisandre’s necklace!

Every time I say it BQB’s blog stats sore.

Melisandre’s necklace! Whoa, Melisandre’s necklace!

Haven’t I seen Melisandre without her necklace on before?

Snore.  I can’t get to sleep.

Where can I buy a used truck or a Jeep?

Is it very hard to raise sheep?

Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Was he buried too deep?

Creep.  So I’m creepin’ on the down low,

‘Cept nobody’s supposed to know.

Oh Lisa Left Eye Lopes,

You took my heart with you when you did go.

Joe.  I need a good strong cup.

And maybe later I’ll drink a 7-Up.

Did you know Orlando Jones used to be the 7-Up guy?

Crap. I’m so old now I could cry.

But why?  Why is Gwen Stefani the best member of No Doubt?

And please, won’t someone tell me what Beyonce’s Lemonade Album is all about?

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Apr 21 2016
5 Comments
Music

RIP Prince

Dig if you will the picture, of BQB and his 3.5 readers embraced in sadness today as we mourn the loss of super funkadelic pop star Prince Rogers Nelson.

Yes. Prince’s name really was Prince. With a name like Prince, it would have been a waste had he become a claims adjuster or some such nonsense so he used his moniker to its fullest potential and became the manliest son of a bitch to wear frilly antique shirts and purple coats.

Oh Prince.  You will be missed.

 

Purple Rain. When Doves Cry. You know, people haven’t mentioned this as much but my first exposure to his music was when he performed songs on the original Batman (1989) movie soundtrack.  Like the Joker, Prince’s color was purple.

Will there ever be another music legend capable of sporting that much purple?

I don’t know. But let us take a moment of silence.  And then, let us listen to his hits and get funky.

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Apr 12 2016
7 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Hipster

 

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Holy Shit.  Now there’s a guy who looks like he’s wasted a lot of time reading the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Like most women, you might assume that your boyfriend is a doofus who doesn’t care about what you think.

But your boyfriend is different.  He puts in a ridiculous amount of time just to make it look as though he doesn’t care about what ANYONE thinks.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Hipster.

10.  Wears black, thick framed Buddy Holly style glasses 24/7.  Even wears them if he doesn’t need them.  Not that I’m superstitious or anything, but if I got on a plane and saw a guy that looks like Richie Valens and then another guy that looks like the Big Bopper, I’d immediately get off the flight and take the next one upon seeing your boyfriend.

9.  You two can never enjoy any form of entertainment together

MUSIC

You Listen To:                     

Taylor Swift

He Listens To:  

Lower Ugandan Nomadic Tribesman Lunar Cycle Chants

MOVIES

You Would Like to See:                          

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

He Would Like to See:

Love in the Time of Cottage Cheese Farming  (A Twelve Hour Foreign Documentary Made in Uzbekistan with No Subtitles)

TV Shows

You Would Like To See:                        

Downton Abbey

He Would Like To See:

The Director’s Cut of Downtown Abbey with Cast Commentary, because he was so     watching it already long before anyone else discovered it, but now he’d like to learn more about the cast’s style and acting choices.)

*NOTE: He liked or disliked most things long before liking or disliking something became mainstream. You know this because he reminds you of this fact often.

You Would Like to Read:                       

The Girl on the Train

He Would Like to Read:    

Tibetan Monk Journals; 7th Century Finnish Poetry

*NOTE: He is also that asshole who a) has read the book the movie is based on and b) insists on telling you each and every way the book was better than the movie and c) practically demands that you forge some type of rudimentary medal to pin to his chest that says “I Am Superior to Everyone in the Movie Theater Because I Read the Book this Movie Was Based On.”

8.  You can’t go out to eat with him either.  You’ll order a burger. He’ll order “an organic level twelve vegan soy dog produced with the smallest eco footprint possible.)

7.  Going out for drinks also poses a challenge.  You’ll get a Bud.  He’ll want an artisanal gluten-free pale ale microbrew, preferably produced in Luxembourg or Lichtenstein.  (Favorite bars usually require patrons to wear elaborate costumes or are hidden in the middle of nowhere with no visible signage.)

6. Owns more fedoras than a man who wasn’t born in 1910 should (which means if he owns one or more fedoras, he owns too many.)  He’ll also note that his favorite hat isn’t a fedora but rather, a trilby, and then proceed to explain the differences between the two in excruciating detail.

5.  Additional questionable fashion choices include: scarves when it isn’t snowing, turtlenecks when it isn’t cold, shirts with ironic sayings or obscure band logos and so, so many vests (sweater or otherwise.)  Also, and I hate to be the one to break this to you, but he’s a cosplayer.  He lied when he told you that cartoon character outfit in his closet was just something he wore for fun at a Halloween party a couple of years ago.  He wears that shit around the house all the time and is working up the courage to tell you that not only he wants to wear it in bed but he got one for you to wear too.

4.  Elaborate facial hair. Sculpted so intricately that he looks like he could be a Hunger Games Game Master or some other type of sci-fi super villain from the future.

3.  Either walks or rides a bike everywhere.  If he owns a car, it is so small that it looks like 50 clowns are going to jump out in various hilarious ways whenever he stops.

2.  Ever since he got a digital camera he thinks he’s Ansel Adams.  His Facebook is full of random household objects.  He swears there’s irony involved but assures you that if he had to explain further you wouldn’t get it.

  1. He could tell you about other boyfriend options that are better than he is…but you probably have never heard of them.
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Apr 03 2016
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TV

SPACE PANTS!

Peter Dinklage was great last night as the host of Saturday Night Live.  Lots of Game of Thrones jokes, he got naked with Leslie Jones and he did a duet about space pants with Gwen Stefani:

“Space pants!  Maybe you missed ’em.  My pants are a tour of the solar system.”

SPACE PANTS, MAYBE YOU MISSED ‘EM, MY PANTS ARE A TOUR OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM

 

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Mar 30 2016
7 Comments
Music

I got nothin’

I got nothing!  Nothing!  Nothing!  Don’t make me close one more door, I don’t want to blog anymore…la la la la la la la I love Whitney Houston.

Hey actually I do have something.  Have you ever heard that Work Work Work song by Rihanna?  “Work work work work work” that’s all it is.  I can’t stop singing it.

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Mar 20 2016
5 Comments
Tomfoolery

I Got Shocked By My Earbuds

Hey 3.5 Readers.

Those who read this blog often (and my condolences to you, don’t worry, you’ll find something worth living for soon) are aware that I often complain about how it seems like some kind of cosmic karma force is after me, coming between me and all the goals I have in life.

Never before was that on full display today than when I made some time to hit the gym…

…AND I GOT SHOCKED BY MY DAMN EARBUDS!!!

Holy shit.  I kid you not.  It was hella scary y’all.  (Yes, I said that.)

Here’s how it all went down.

I got out of my BQB mobile.  Popped on my earbuds.  I have an eclectic collection of music and I was in a Snoop Dogg mood.

His early work.  Gin and Juice.  Ahhh…how I miss the early 1990’s.  Straight up fo sizzle.

So I walk through the parking lot.  Head on in to the locker room.  Take a wizz.  (You need to know the full story and I can’t leave out any detail.)

Then I hang up my coat…Snoop’s kicking old school…laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind…sippin on gin and juice…I’m grooving along and then all of a sudden Snoop’s voice gets garbled and…

…ARGH!!! SHOCKS IN MY EARS!  WTF?!  WTF?!  What’s going on!  Snoop!  Help me!

So I pulled the earbuds off and threw them into the locker, afraid if I kept holding onto them they’d fry me into a charcoal briquette.

Now I’m embarrassed in front of the old naked dudes walking around in the locker room.

SIDENOTE:  Men, have you ever noticed that whatever gym you go to, there’s like a hundred and fifty naked old dudes walking around with everything on full display?  It doesn’t matter what time you go.  Morning, noon, night, 3 am, there will be a hundred and fifty naked old dudes just allowing everything to flap in the breeze because Goddamnit, they’re old and they don’t give a shit anymore.  God bless them.  It’s their God given right to let it all hang out in the locker room I guess.

I just wish they’d clear out when I get there but I digress.

Back to my original tirade.

So I had set down my phone and I go to pick it up and it gives me a static electricity shock and then I touch the locker itself and it gives me a static electricity shock.

Now, Dr. Hugo Von Science and I are on the outs, so I can’t exactly ask him what the hell happened, but I was able to conclude that apparently it is possible for static electricity to travel through your earbuds and shock your damn ears.

It was very scary.  And honestly, I’m adding it to my list of complaints.

Because seriously, what are the odds of getting your ears shocked by your earbuds?  They have to be pretty low.  Probably not as low as they are to win the powerball, but still low.

When the odds of something good happening to me are low, they never happen.  When the odds of something bad happening to me are low, they happen.

It’s just a pain in the ass.  My whole life is like me dodging and ducking all kinds of bullshit that comes between me and the things I want to do in my life and to get shocked in the ears…it just made me feel like “OK F this I guess the gods just want me to stay out of shape and away from the gym.”

Because it’s not like going to the gym isn’t enough of a pain in the ass on its own.

First, there’s the aforementioned one hundred and fifty naked old dudes ALWAYS hanging around the locker room with no clear purpose for being there.

Second, whenever I pick up one damn weight, there’s always at least two hundred and fifty steroid addicted muscle bound jocks who feel the need to walk over and offer unsolicited advice on what I’m doing wrong, to which I always just nod politely until they leave me alone but in my mind I’m thinking, “Thank you sir, but as you can see, I’m not able to lift that damn seven hundred pound weight over my head and dance the Charleston like you can, so if you don’t mind, I’ll just stand here and put my full shame on display as I struggle with this tiny barbell which, by its pink color, I assume was designed for girls.”

And now, third, I have to worry about my ears getting shocked by my earbuds.  I googled it.  It indeed is a thing.  It happens.

So be careful, 3.5 readers.  Your earbuds can shock in more ways than playing Nicki Minaj’s latest song about her copious derrière.

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