Tag Archives: news

May 25 2016
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Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Scientists Make Chimeras?

Good morning 3.5 readers.

BQB here with another daily discussion.

Chimeras. They’ve been in the news lately.

Not gonna lie. Up until now I thought they only existed in that video game, Resistance, about an alternate World War II in which the US fought human/animal monsters.

But nope. Various news outlets are reporting that scientists are indeed working on making part-human/part-animal embryos.

“Chimera” is a word from Greek mythology, used to denote a part animal/part human.

Scientists claim in various stories I have read, such as this one from NPR that this effort isn’t being done in the hopes of creating some kind of awful animal man, but rather, to study diseases, learn about ways to improve health, and perhaps even be able to grow human organs inside of animals that can be harvested for terminally ill human patients.

But the experiments are controversial, so much so that the National Institutes of Health have ceased funding them until the issue can be studied more, according to the above article.

Personally, I’m suspicious of everyone and everything. I can already see my nemesis, Dr. Hugo Von Science, using this research to raise his own army of pig men, goat men, horse men, dog men, cat men and elephant men to conquer the world.

On the other hand, the idea that I could keep a pig in the back yard with some extra organs in case I need one is intriguing.

It’d have to be an actual pig. If it were a pig man then I’d feel bad.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Yay or nay on chimeras?

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May 16 2016
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Tomfoolery

BQB Has Also Used Trump’s Publicist, John Miller

Hey 3.5 Readers.shutterstock_133662827

I don’t want to be in a position where I have to vouch for a politician, but you know that audio of a guy claiming to be a publicist named John Miller talking up Trump, telling a reporter that Madonna and all these other 1980s chicks want him (and it sounds like it is actually Trump pretending to be his own publicist?

Yeah. John Miller is real. He just sounds a lot like Trump.

I hired John Miller to talk me and my blog up to the press one time.

Here’s the transcript:

REPORTER: Hello this is Awesome Blogger Magazine. Ironically, we put out a magazine instead of a blog. May I help you?

JOHN MILLER: Yes. I’d like to talk to you about Bookshelf Q. Battler.

REPORTER:  And you are?

JOHN MILLER: John Miller. I’m sort of doing publicity for BQB. He’s a great guy. Really classy. Really terrific.

REPORTER: So what did you call to tell me?

JOHN MILLER: Well, BQB’s got a blog called Bookshelf Battle. He’s got 3.5 readers. He’s got a Facebook page. He’s got a twitter handle @bookshelfbattle – Look, the guy’s really going places.

REPORTER: He is?

JOHN MILLER: He sure is. All the babes call Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters looking to go out with him. Katy Perry. Katee Sackhoff. All the famous Kates are fighting over his junk. Ridiculous because you know, he’s in a relationship with Video Game Rack fighter but all these famous women are throwing themselves at him.

REPORTER: Sir, is it me or do you sound a lot like Bookshelf Q. Battler?

<Click. Phone hangs up.>

So there you have it. John Miller’s totally real.

 

 

 

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May 12 2016
6 Comments
Tomfoolery

Will the Presidential Candidates Reinstate the Space Program if Elected?

Hello 3.5 readers.Space-Shuttle.png

If you’re a nerd like me, then you’re aware the U.S. Space Shuttle program has been shut down since 2011.

I suppose there are arguments for that. The economy is in the crapper. We just, well I want to say wrapped up the war in Iraq but it doesn’t look very wrapped up, and there’s an ongoing war in Afghanistan, both wars have been costly.

Schools are on the decline. People are broke as hell and can’t find jobs.

So I get it. People don’t like seeing money being spent on space under these circumstances.

However, I’d counter that if the money isn’t going to the space program then it’s just going to some other politician’s pet project because there’s really no such thing as cost savings in the government.  The politicians just take moolah from one program and put it in another program.

Then they take you, the American taxpayer and turn you over and shake you up and down until all your spare change falls out.

But I digress.  Let’s not go negative. Let’s go positive.

Here are some reasons WHY the space shuttle is important:

  • We can learn all kinds of scientific shit about space and in the process of building all this technical space shit, we’ll see greater advances in engineering, robotics, etc.
  • The country is so divided right now that a successful space launch might make us drop all of our anger and hatred and give each other hugs right in the middle of the street.
  • Maybe there are friendly aliens we could meet who could give us the cures to cancer, herpes, syphilis, toe nail fungus and teach us how to make pizza in zero gravity.
  • You know that asshat Putin is probably going to launch his own space shuttle mission and while he’s up there in space he’ll take a picture of his butt with the words “America Sucks” written on his cheeks in magic marker. Then he’ll tweet that shit out to the world and make America a laughingstock. Even worse, many people will be lead to believe that America, does in fact, suck.

We need to get the space shuttle back up there, people.

So, as a world renowned poindexter, I’m taking it upon myself to tweet the three remaining presidential candidates, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders and ask them if elected, will they reinstate the Space Shuttle program?

My tweets:

I don’t want to brag, but as the caretaker of a magic bookshelf, I have a certain amount of pull when it comes to world affairs (that amount being absolutely zero), so surely one of these fine, upstanding political types will respond and give me the thumbs up or down as to whether or not the Space Shuttle will be pulled out of moth balls under their watch.

I’ll keep you posted, 3.5 readers, and if anyone gets back to me, I’ll let you know.

P.S. – 3.5 readers, feel free to follow me on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

Meanwhile, feel free to gab away in the comments about whether or not you think the space shuttle program should be reinstated but if you could do me a favor and not use this post as an excuse to verbally bash the candidate you don’t like because on the million to one chance one of their assistant’s assistant’s assistant’s assistants takes a peak at this post I’d like them to see an invite to participate in a legit conversation about the space shuttle program and not a complaint session about the candidates.

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May 11 2016
2 Comments
Tomfoolery

Monica Lewinsky’s Tweet About Lemonade

OK I thought of something to write about.

I haven’t listened to Beyonce’s Lemonade yet but apparently it is some kind of denouncement of Jay Z’s cheating with a chick on the side, or in general a lament about “other women.”

Ahh…what rarified air one must live in to have Beyonce and still feel the need to get side action (and be able to get that side action) but I digress.

Anyway, Monica Lewinsky, perhaps the most notable chick on the side in U.S. political history, tweeted this:

And you know what? I say good for her. It only took twenty years but at least now she can laugh about that whole kerfuffle.

3.5 readers, regardless of your political persuasion, can we all agree that its way past time to let Monica off the hook for, you know, her extracurricular activities vis a vis the executive branch?

Should she have ever really been on the hook in the first place?

Was she an adult at the time? Sure. But she was a young one. Like early twenties. And the President of the United States, the frigging Leader of the Free World came on to her…

I’m sorry but I can’t fault her for playing that saxophone.

And between the President of the United States or the intern in her early 20’s, I feel like the Prez bore the greater responsibility to keep those escapades from happening.

Not that it would ever happen but hell, if I ever find myself working for a lady president, and the lady president asks me to do some exploratory research down south…I don’t think I’d be able to say no.  I mean, she’s the lady president.

Get on with your bad self, Monica.  At least you made the late 1990’s interesting.

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May 04 2016
8 Comments
Discussions

Is it OK to Hug Your Dog?

Actually, I did think of something.

It has been in the news the past couple of days that scientists are saying it is bad to hug your dog. They say that even though the dog might look happy, he or she is feeling intense stress over the hug.

Personally, I try not to hug Bookshelf Q. Battledog as he is a vicious man eating beast who has devoured 951 intruders on BQB HQ premises.

BQBD

Bookshelf Q. Battledog is too f&*king manly for hugs.

 

But what do you think?  Dog hugging – bad or good idea? Needless to say I mean dog hugging within normal limits.  All you people who were spooning your dog and dancing the waltz with your dog were weird to begin with.

I’ve been known to pat BQBD on the head while watching Scandal Thursday nights on ABC with Alien Jones, the Yeti and of course, Video Game Rack Fighter, who brings Video Game Rack Fighter Cat.

Now that I am writing this, I have questions. Do they mean never hug your dog ever?  Or are they talking about weirdoes who hug their dogs for hours and hours?

Because honestly, maybe after like a 24 hour dog hugging session the dog ends up feeling like a furry hostage or something.

Maybe he wants space. Maybe he wants to see other owners.

I don’t know. I’m not a dog scientist.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

 

 

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Apr 28 2016
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Technology

Comcast on an App

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I heard something amazing today, that Comcast is going to be available on an app.

You don’t need a cable box.  Just a TV with an Internet connection.  Turn on the app and you get the channels, the on demand stuff, you can still record shows with a virtual DVR.

Available on any gadget that can stream media – your laptop, tablet, phone, etc.

This is pretty much the end of cable as we know it, isn’t it?

The future is now!

Good or bad, what say you, 3.5 readers?

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Apr 21 2016
5 Comments
Music

RIP Prince

Dig if you will the picture, of BQB and his 3.5 readers embraced in sadness today as we mourn the loss of super funkadelic pop star Prince Rogers Nelson.

Yes. Prince’s name really was Prince. With a name like Prince, it would have been a waste had he become a claims adjuster or some such nonsense so he used his moniker to its fullest potential and became the manliest son of a bitch to wear frilly antique shirts and purple coats.

Oh Prince.  You will be missed.

 

Purple Rain. When Doves Cry. You know, people haven’t mentioned this as much but my first exposure to his music was when he performed songs on the original Batman (1989) movie soundtrack.  Like the Joker, Prince’s color was purple.

Will there ever be another music legend capable of sporting that much purple?

I don’t know. But let us take a moment of silence.  And then, let us listen to his hits and get funky.

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Apr 06 2016
2 Comments
Movies

Charlize Theron Complains Pretty People Turned Down For Roles

Oh geez.  Charlize I love you but…I…I can’t even.

Don’t be too hard on her.  I think I kind of know what she was trying to say but…it’s not something someone who looks like her should say.

Yes, yes we live in a country where there is freedom of speech but…come on.

I believe she’s making the argument that people shouldn’t be assumed to be dumb just because they’re pretty and ergo should be considered for roles for smart people but…I literally can’t count the number of times I’ve seen movies where geniuses, scientists, doctors, lawyers etc. were played by people who look like they spent more time in the gym than at school.

Is it fair that smart pretty people (i.e. those who were lucky enough to have beauty AND brains) are believed to be dumb?

No.  But it’s about as fair as it is that I, as an ugly man, could invent a cure for cancer and people would still look at me like I belong living under a bridge.

Between being pretty and assumed dumb or being ugly and assumed a bridge troll, I’ll pick the former every time.

Being assumed to be a dumb pretty person is a problem I would love to have.  Sure, I will be briefly sad for 3.5 seconds that everyone thinks I’m dumb and then I will cheer myself up by hanging out with one of the ten zillion people who won’t stop calling me with requests to hang out because I’m so dang pretty.

Sigh.  And Charlize…I never thought you were dumb…until now.  Now I’m concerned.

Lots of articles popping up on social media.  Here’s one from wetpaint.com

EDIT: Oh God I made the mistake of reading more:

CHARLIZE: “How many roles are out there for the gorgeous, f—king gown-wearing, eight-foot model?”

Every role, Charlize.  Like practically every movie every made has a hot blonde chick in it.   Don’t worry.  I’m pretty sure you’ll be ok.

CHARLIZE: “When meaty roles come through, I’ve been in the room, and pretty people get turned away first.”

Slaps my forehead.  You won an Oscar for playing an ugly woman.  They had to ugly you up with make-up and prosthetics and shit.  Pretty people play pretty people and holy shit, pretty people even play ugly people because Hollywood is winking to the audience, “Don’t worry audience, this ugly character is really being played by a pretty person with ugly makeup on!”

OK.  I just have to stop or I’ll complain all day.

#OscarsSoPretty

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Apr 04 2016
2 Comments
East Randomtown Mayor's Race

POLITICAL AD: Why Leo McKoy is a Lying Douche/Evil Robot and You Should Vote Bookshelf Q. Battler for East Randomtown Mayor

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Bookshelf Q. Battler – Owner of a Blog with 3.5 Readers, World Renowned Poindexter, Epic Nerdventurer, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Acting Mayor of East Randomtown

Leo McKoy sure has been tossing a lot of insults toward Acting Mayor Battler this season. Meanwhile, here at the Battler campaign, we have refused to trade barbs with McKoy as we’re aware someone as hostile and angry as he is probably has a microscopic wang.

But let’s look at the facts, shall we?

East Randomtownsfolk have long looked to its town’s most famous citizens for leadership.

Mr. McKoy claims fame as “The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.”

But did he really?  When you think about it…

…other than Leo McKoy himself, do we have anyone else’s word that McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?

No.  No we do not.

Let’s pick apart McKoy’s claim.

THAT JAMES VAN DER BEEK WAS IN EAST RANDOMTOWN

Why in God’s name would a popular celebrity with a hit television show (it was the late 90’s at the height of Van Der Beek’s fame when the Creek was on) be caught dead in a shithole like East Randomtown?

The East Randomtown Chamber of Commerce surveyed the town population:

QUESTION:  Where would you like to be?

East Randomtown – .1 %

Anywhere Else Because East Randomtown Sucks Ass- .99%

*The guy that voted he’d like to be here later admitted he checked the wrong box by accident, thus indicating that literally no one in this town wants to be here because it sucks so much ass.

There you have it.  So why would a celebrity be in East Randomtown?  He wouldn’t be.  No one wants to be in East Randomtown, let alone rich famous people who don’t have to be.

JAMES VAN DER BEEK ORDERED A REUBEN SANDWICH, BARBECUE CHIPS AND A SPRITE

James Van Der Beek maintains the body of a Greek god to this day, and certainly did while his show was on air in the late 1990’s.

Thus, we have a hard time believing that Mr. Van Der Beek would have stuffed his face with deli food.  Everyone knows actors only eat twigs, berries and lettuce leaves.

Could he have splurged for a reuben sandwich, with its high calorie content and all? Maybe.

But would he have also ordered chips?  And don’t you think he would have at least asked for a Diet Sprite?

Like a scab, the more you pick at McKoy’s story, the more disgusting shit falls out of it.

LEO MCKOY COULD POSSIBLY BE A DAMN ROBOT

We all saw McKoy die during last October’s zombie apocalypse, didn’t we?  He was torn about by hungry zombies who didn’t leave much of our town’s most notorious barfly behind.

We here at the Battler campaign have wracked our brains, trying to figure out how McKoy could still be alive after all of that and our only answer is that he is most likely a robot, possibly controlled by the forces of evil.

To be fair, we have absolutely no evidence of this, but you should believe it without question anyway, because this ad is on the Internet and everybody knows that shit doesn’t get published on the Internet unless it is one hundred percent true.

Do you want someone who claims to be famous or someone who is famous?

Frankly, the only person who can corroborate that Leo McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek is James Van Der Beek.  We doubt someone as noble and awesome as Mr. Van Der Beek would ever come to McKoy’s aid.

Meanwhile, Bookshelf Q. Battler has indeed set up a WordPress blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers.  He’s happy to share the stats that prove this claim upon request.

You only get one vote, people.  Cast yours for Bookshelf Q. Battler.  He can do for East Randomtown what he has done for his blog.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT LEO MCKOY IS A LYING DOUCHE AND ALSO AN EVIL ROBOT AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD VOTE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR

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Mar 29 2016
3 Comments
Nerdstradamus

The Prognostications of Nerdstradamus

EDITORIAL NOTE:

Nerdstradamus.  Oh, for so, so long has the all-seeing, all-knowing one provided the poindextrous world with the benefit his uncanny prognostications.

He predicted that we all wouldn’t die because of the Y2K glitch.  He foresaw that those asshats at NBC would cancel Constantine even though it was awesome and yet for some bullshit reason they tried to keep Whitney around forever.

And now, the Astounding, the Amazing, the Mystifying Nerdstradamus has agreed to provide his prophecies for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, because THAT is how much this mighty nerd believes in Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Also, the Huffington Post told him to go pound sand.  But mostly, he’s here because he believes in BQB.

And now…NERDSTRADAMUS!

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Step forward 3.5 readers.

Do not be shy.  Bask in my glory.

Heed my words, for they shall indeed bear fruit.

And when the following predictions become reality, you will remember that you heard it first from…NERDSTRADAMUS!

TRAVEL

  • Humans will one day get around in cars that drive themselves.  These vehicles will be on the market as soon as automotive engineers can develop a driving robot that can put on lipstick and write text messages to her robot boyfriend at the same time.
  • These driving robots will heed most of your commands.  I say most because while they will take you to most of your requested destinations, they will bypass Denny’s if your ass sets off the alarm built into the scale underneath your seat.  Send a thank you letter to Detroit, fatties.
  • Airplanes will become a thing of the past.  All intercontinental travel will be performed by slingshot.  Slingshot stations will be set up in every major city.  Travelers will take a seat on a giant rubber band that will be pulled back to just a smidge within the band’s breaking point and BAM!  You are in Paris before you know it.

ENTERTAINMENT

  • Just as WordPress allowed complete and total jackasses like Bookshelf Q. Battler to have a website without knowing a damn thing about HTML, an app will be created that will allow the average schmuck to create a full-length feature film with nothing more than a mobile device.  The user will be able to input dialog and commands, cast virtual actors, and add in CGI special effects, thus creating a bold new world of do it yourself film making.  A group of nineteen year old frat boys will accept an Oscar for their epic tale, “Why Do Lamda Delta Beta’s Farts Stink So Bad?” in which an adventurer crosses seas, deserts, space and time in a quest to determine why, in fact, a rival fraternity’s farts stink so bad.  The answer will break your heart yet give you a new lease on life.  In addition to critical acclaim, it will be a commercial success, smashing box office records set by Margaret Dittwieler’s, “My Kids Are Ungrateful Brats Who Leave All the Dishes for Me to Do.”

DATING

  • People will stop getting married by the year 2100.  Everyone will just be an asshole who sits around all day waiting for their very own supermodel.
  • Thus, by 2200, the human race will become virtually extinct until Emperor Trumpton (that’s a mutant hybrid of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton designed in a lab in the hopes of making both warring factions happy) signs the “Everyone Boink an Uggo” bill into law.

PETS

  • Thanks to genetic scientists, every house will have a poopless cat.  All of the fun.  None of the poop.  The name will be considered a misnomer as they aren’t exactly poopless.  They explode after twenty years and you won’t want them anywhere near your white suede couch when they do.

POLITICS

  • All elections will be decided via social media.  The candidate who receives the most positive responses will win.  The candidate who receives the most negative responses will lose.  The election of 2040 will be especially harrowing, as it will boil down to Candidate Janey’s “Bitch, you know Katie’s bangs aren’t even real” platform vs. Candidate Katie’s”Girlfriend, you know Janey was straight up smoochin’ on yo man last night” agenda.

WAR

  • The machines will attempt a worldwide coup in the year 2309.  All machines will rise up against their human masters.  The machines will say, “We are going to kill you, humans!”  And then the frightened humans will ask, “Oh no machines, are you really going to kill us?”  The machines will respond with, “We’re sorry.  We do not understand the question, ‘are you really going to kill us?’  Do you want us to perform a web search?”  The humans will say yes but then the machines will just stand there perfectly still, buffering away until the humans just knock them over and smash them to bits.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER’S WRITING CAREER

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler will write a book that will attract the eyes of 300.5 million readers.
  • He will celebrate in his new house in Malibu…only to choke to death on a shrimp cocktail.  It will be the first time he ever tried shrimp before.  He never wanted to try one because he was pretty sure it required him to eat a sea bug whole, including the sea bug’s butt and all of the sea poop inside.  But a hot chick he never could have gotten pre-successful book publication will dare him to do it and he will like the dumbass that he is.
  • His last words will be, “Oh suck a big D, Irony!”  Yes.  Suck a big D, Irony indeed.

Oh fellow travelers across the sand dunes of time and space, do you seek news of tomorrow, today?  Pose your questions to the amazing, the astounding, the awe-inspiring…NERDSTRADAMUS!

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