Tag Archives: politics

Jun 17 2016
10 Comments
Tomfoolery

And Now a Public Service Announcement from Bookshelf Q. Battler on Facebook Postings

Hi 3.5 Readers.

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BQB here.

Tough times we’re living in aren’t we?

The Freedom Loving Western World is under attack.  Gay people can’t go to clubs without being shot at by terrorists.  Kids can’t go to Disney World without being eaten by alligators.

I swear if I wake up tomorrow and learn that someone kicked the Easter Bunny in the balls or stole a leprechaun’s pot of gold and didn’t even leave him enough to rent an Uber to get home, I’m just going to stay in bed and eat cookies and pie all weekend in a hopeless state of sadness.

Lots of shit going on. Lots of shit.

You know kids, when I was a young lad opinions were expressed in a much different manner.

Usually, learned men and women, knowledgable experts on particular topics, would appear on talk shows, debate one another, listen to what each other had to say and agree to disagree.

Sure, they were at times mean about it.  Pettiness isn’t new to politics. It’s been around.

But by and large you go the impression that some of these TV pundits probably got together afterwards for tacos or whatever.

Times, they are a-changing.

Thanks to the wondrous Internet, everyone has an opinion, and everyone can express it despite a lack of qualifications or credentials or what have you.

And if your Facebook feed is anything like mine lately, its burning up with a lot of tomfoolery.

Remember, this blog isn’t political, because I have often said, I want all people of all different views to buy the book I have not yet finished and make me rich.

Really, the important part is where I get rich.

At any rate, nothing in this post is directed at anyone or side in particular, but in general, no matter what side of the debate you are on, here are some things to keep in mind in order to keep it civil.

#1 – Unless the person who posted a comment that offended you holds some type of public office or an otherwise influential position, their post is unlikely to have much impact on the issue, so you need not view it as a virtual grenade to throw yourself on at all costs.

EXAMPLE:

POSTER: “I think that…”

YOU:  Lies! The study of So and So University, completed in 2010 by Professor So and So on yadda yadda yadda….

Seriously, just stop being that shit head who spends 19 hours writing a reply to your Cousin Fred that you see once a year on Thanksgiving. Fred is a Goddamn part-time night janitor at the Arby’s off highway exit 7.

World leaders are not going to read Cousin Fred’s post and be like, “Holy shit! We never thought about it THAT way! Thanks Fred! You the man! We’re going to get on that right now!”

Just let Fred have his opinion and move on.  Keep in mind, Cousin Fred has probably held his tongue many times and moved on after reading some of the mindless bullshit you post.

#2 – If this person is one of your Facebook friends, chances are he/she is important to you in some capacity. Treat them as such.

We’ll just keep picking on Cousin Fred…

COUSIN FRED: “I believe that the treaty of such and such calls for…”

YOU (RIGHT WAY): Either – I respect your opinion Fred or I disagree Fred or just don’t respond.

YOU (WRONG WAY): F&*K you! Someone disagreed with me and now my life is over! I must retreat into my safe space over this micro-agressien! You have ruined my life!  Stick your head in the toilet and flush it a thousand times on your hideous face you atrocious, godawful man!!!

Oh and see you at Thanksgiving.

#3 – Stop comparing people to Hitler.  Seriously. I don’t care what your ideology is. No one is worse than Hitler. That’s why he was Hitler.  

Because I highly doubt that you are Facebook friends with someone who also invaded Poland, then tore ass through the rest of Europe, left England as the last man standing in what appeared to be the impending death of European democracy, then also put millions of Jewish people into camps and starved them and enslaved them and gassed them and killed them and so on, then stop calling them Hitler.

In my opinion, it’s offensive to people who were actual victims of Hitler, from the people who were rounded up and killed due to his orders, to the soldiers who had to put their lives on hold and fight his army and even died in the process.

ANALYIS:

COUSIN FRED: “Obviously, the right thing to do in this situation is to….”

“SHOULD YOU TELL COUSIN FRED THAT HE IS WORSE THAN HITLER?” – A RUBRIC

QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF – Did Cousin Fred scheme and connive his way into the position of German Chancellor in the 1930’s and then proceed to delve humanity deep into its darkest hour?

IF YES – Then feel free to tell Cousin Fred is worse than Hitler.

IF NO – Then don’t be a dick and don’t tell your Cousin that he’s worse than Hitler. He’s the son of your Mom or Dad’s sibling for f%&k’s sake.

You might need him to donate a kidney or give you a ride or help you move a couch one day only to find yourself stuck on the side of the road with only one lousy kidney and a couch too big to move by yourself all because you couldn’t help yourself from referring to your beloved family member as Hitler.

#4 – Stipulate to reasonable, agreed upon facts. Don’t ask for proof of everything and especially if you know a fact is true. Don’t ask for proof anyway just to be a dick.

COUSIN FRED: “The sky is blue….

YOU: Post a link to an article that provides categorical proof that the sky is blue. Do it. Do it now. You’re taking too long. You can’t find one, can you? Ha! F%*king liar the sky is NOT BLUE AND IT NEVER WAS!

COUSIN FRED: “…and the grass is green…”

YOU: Is it though? Is it really? Have you ever considered that what you see as green and what I see as green might be two completely different colors? Maybe when I see something and think it is green and when you see it and you think it is green but if I could see what you are seeing through my eyes it would appear pink to me and if you could see it through my eyes it would appear purple to you?

COUSIN FRED: “…and the other day Congress passed a bill that…”

YOU: I’m going to need more information on this institution you refer to as “Congress.” Please post a link to some information on what Congress is and how it works. You’re not a scholar of Congressional history, are you? I find it difficult to believe that you hold the necessary qualifications to prove to me that Congress actually exists and that it isn’t some existential hullabaloo that you invented in your mind.

NOTE: Seriously dude. He’s your f%$king cousin. Stop filibustering and/or asking him to post proof of stuff you’re both fully aware of and stop treating the whole discussion like it’s an under the hot lights interrogation. You’re just two asshats on Facebook and in the grand scheme of things, nothing that either of you say ever matters.

#5 – Don’t get personal.

COUSIN FRED: “Senator So and So appeared so stupid when he…

YOU (Right way): I disagree. I think Senator So and So made a good argument.

YOU (Wrong way): He didn’t look anymore stupid than you did when your wife cheated on you with her yoga instructor and she gave you the bill for her yoga instruction so technically you were paying a dude to come into your house while you were at work and bang your wife you giant dumbass.

I mean, yeah, I guess you won the argument…but was it worth it? Cousin Fred will most likely never speak to you again.

Cousin Fred is a human being. He has thoughts and feelings. Let him express them without throwing the yoga instructor he inadvertently paid to bang his wife in his face.

CONCLUSIONS

Those are the top five I can think of. All in all, these are trying times and we all want to get what we are thinking off our chest but, you know…if these people are your friends and/or family, you might want to try to do it in a way in which they want to stick around because let’s be honest, you’re no picnic either.

(That’s directed at other people. You’re all picnics in my book, 3.5 readers.)

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Jun 13 2016
2 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion With BQB – Be Excellent to Each Other

This isn’t a political blog, yet at times like these, it’s difficult not to say something.

I believe the Western world, and the United States in particular, is the best because you have so many different groups of people and the people, at least those in the mainstream, realize everyone can be different, work towards common goals and still disagree on many aspects of life but continue to live near one another.

Orlando, Florida is representative of that.

You’ve got a bustling night club scene where all kinds of partying happens.

Minutes away you’ve got a “world” dedicated to providing wholesome entertainment involving a cartoon mouse.

The cartoon mouse lovers don’t protest the night clubs en masse.  The night club partiers don’t try to put a rave hat on Mickey Mouse (as funny as that would be.)

You probably even have a lot of people who go back and forth between both worlds. Cartoon mouse lovers feel the need to party sometimes. Party people sometimes feel the need to pretend that a cartoon mouse loves them.

Both worlds exist within the same city. They have for years and neither world has felt the need to stop the other in order to continue to exist.

This is all just the rantings of a nerd I suppose.

What I’m getting at is the West works when we all get up, go about our daily lives, work together on our common interests, then at the end of the day, stay out of one another’s personal lives.

It’s not perfect and it doesn’t always work out, but it’s a better system than other parts of the world where you must do exactly as the powers the be say or else.

I don’t know the answer to any of this madness.

But I just hope people don’t take their freedom here for granted.

Every time you type on your blog, keep in mind there are places in the world where blogging is either outright banned or so hazardous as to make it not worth doing.

And that’s even if you just write about zombies and yetis and magic bookshelves.

Be kind to each other, 3.5 readers.

As Bill and Ted once said, “Be excellent to each other.”

Millennials, Bill and Ted were these California dudes who…nope.  Never mind. Google it.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Jun 10 2016
2 Comments
Votentate

Votentate – The Mighty Potentate for President

Standby for a Transmission from the Mighty Potentate…

…SCANNING….SCANNING…ACQUIRING CONTROL OF THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG…

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Attention pitiful humans, for it is I, the Mightiest of Potentates.

I have taken control of this miserable excuse for a blog to address two points:

1) Bookshelf Q. Battler, the Chosen One, continues to dilly dally in his assignment to produce a novel so well-written that it convinces you all to abandon the most wretched of all human art forms, “reality television.”  You must continue to pester him to no end to finish his novel or else Earth will be invaded and turned into an intergalactic drive-thru delicatessen.

2) It has come to my attention that this your country known as the United States of America is choosing its leader.

I have reviewed the candidates:

  • Both are very, very old. Older than the deepest, darkest black hole in the entire universe. Entire empires have risen and fallen during their existences. Note that to my species, they are mere babes. But to humans, they are older than dirt. They roamed the Earth during the time of the dinosaurs, the beings that did a much better job of running your planet, in my opinion.
  • One wears some type of wounded animal on his head. The other has enough pantsuits to fill a Lane Bryant warehouse. (What is a Lane Bryant warehouse? I do not know what this means. My advisor, Alien Jones, told me pitiful humans  would find this amusing.)
  • Both are very ego driven, as all Earth politicians are. Frankly, as all intergalactic politicians are. The male has built many tacky towers in his name. The female has siphoned enough money through her power and influence to choke a horse.
  • As a pitiful human, you might argue that I, the Mighty Potentate, am ego driven. I am. I have built many monuments to myself. And if you had conquered and civilized as many systems as I have, you’d be able to build many monuments to yourself, Earth loser.

In short, neither candidate is suitable, and thus, as the ruler of all I survey, I command you to write in “The Mighty Potentate” on your pathetic ballots this November.

I understand you American Humans are a particularly inquisitive bunch, which is a concept I don’t fully grasp as I am not used to having to explain myself.

Just ask any alien under my command:

WHAT A POLITICAL DEBATE LOOKS LIKE IN THE WORLD OF THE MIGHTY POTENTATE:

The Mighty Potentate commands me to do X.  Should I:

A) Do X and not be vaporized.

B) Do X and not be vaporized.

C) Refuse to do X and be vaporized (Report to the vaporization chamber immediately if you select this choice.)

But very well. I shall abide by your Earth customs and answer your questions about the issues:

QUESTION #1 Mighty Potentate, if elected president, how would you fix the economy?

Vaporization.

QUESTION #2 – What?

All must be useful and productive or be vaporized. Next question, pitiful human.

QUESTION #3 – Free trade has been brought up a great deal in this election.  How would you secure the best trade deals to make America competitive in the global market?

Vaporization. Purchase our products at the prices of our choosing or become vapor.

QUESTION #4 – I’m beginning to see a pattern here. The possibility of a war is always a concern for the person who holds the oval office. As President, how would you avoid war?

Vaporization. Stop pitching so many softballs, pitiful human.

QUESTION #5 – Vaporization again?

Indeed. All will hail the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.

QUESTION # 6 – When you say “vaporize” what exactly do you mean?

I have conquered most of the Universe by perfecting vaporization technology. Through my various vaporization devices, I can turn anyone or anything into a fine mist that quickly dissipates into nothingness.

QUESTION 7 – Right. Moving on. Health care has been in the news lately…

Vaporize the sick. They only slow our operations down.

QUESTION 8 – Do I dare ask about crime?

All will obey the laws of the Mighty Potentate or be vaporized.

QUESTION 9 – Taxes?

Everything belongs to the Mighty Potentate. Render it unto to me or…

QUESTION 10 – Be vaporized. We get it.  What about free speech?

All are free to speak praises of the Mighty Potentate. It is mandatory to do so five times an hour or be vaporized.

QUESTION 11 – What if people don’t want to be vaporized?

Then they will be vaporized.

QUESTION 12 – But how can they protest being vaporized if they’ve been vaporized?

Person-who-wants-to-be-vaporized-says-what?

CONCLUSION:

There you have it, pitiful humans. I am the Mighty Potentate, the only candidate willing to harness the power of vaporization to solve all your problems.

Vote Potentate. Better yet, Votentate.

Paid for by the Committee to Elect the Mighty Potenate or Be Vaporized

 

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Jun 03 2016
5 Comments
Nerdstradamus

The Astounding Nerdstradamus – The Jello Wrestling Election, the Google/Amazon War for the Universe, the Blow Less Smoke Up Kids’ Asses Initiative

And now, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Astounding Nerdstradamus shares his confounding prognostications of the future of nerd kind…

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Step forward, nerds, and do not be afraid for I, the Astounding Nerdstradamus do now make my predictions known:

  • The Election of 2016 shall be decided not at the ballot box but in a jello wrestling pit. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton shall forego the usual democratic process and opt instead to get naked, oil up, and wrassle one another in a giant tub of orange gelatin. The match will be epic and though there will be many disgusting sights and angles that viewers will never be able to remove from their memories, the event itself will draw the highest viewership in the history of television.
  • Nicki Minaj will be named Poet Laureate of the United States. In her acceptance speech, she will recite her most recent lines from the smash hit Dance (A$$) in which women with luxurious asses are, in fact, urged to dance. Not only will the crowd be shocked, but literary scholars will, for centuries thereafter, debate whether or not Ms. Minaj’s request to be “pointed to the best ass eater” was figurative or literal. (The general consensus will drift toward the latter.)
  • All movie plots will be decided by Twitter users. A director will just tweet, “What will I make next?” And then a year later he’ll come out with a movie about a bicurious dwarf in leather pants who rides a unicorn and plays the ukulele while karate chopping dragons made out of candy in an alternate dimension where Kanye West rules supreme. Further, all movies will be named, “Movie McMovieface.”
  • All potential crime victims will, by law, be allowed to shout “safe space!” and then it shall be deemed illegal for all ill intentioned persons to come within a ten foot radius around the person.  Many a harrowing legal battle will ensue in which prosecutors and defense attorneys debate whether or not a victim actually yelled “safe space.”
  • The presidency will remain vacant after 2024 as by then there will literally be no one without a single embarrassing photo preserved online to be utilized by the opposition.
  • Google and Amazon will both declare themselves masters of the universe.  The ensuing civil war will last for countless millennia.
  • The world will watch in awe when a man lands on Mars. The brave astronaut will immediately broadcast back the inspiring words, “It kinda sucks here. Not really sure it was worth all the effort. Oh well. You live and you learn, am I right?”
  • Due to ever rising tuition costs, high school graduates will opt to sit around in the basement of the kid with the least uptight parents and play drinking games for three years.  They will then enter a community college program in which they learn all the basic shit they need to know in one year.
  • Under the “Blow Less Smoke Up the Kids’ Asses Initiative of 2030” teachers will be required to stop inspiring kids to reach for the stars seeing as how jobs will be in incredibly short supply by then.  “Good Job” will be replaced with “This A+ Will Get You Nowhere So You Might As Well Have Goofed Off Last Night” and “Try Harder Next Time” will become “As We Speak Companies Are Making Robots That Can Literally Do Anything You Can Do Only Faster, Better, and Cheaper, so Spark a Spliff and Stop Giving a Shit Already.”
  • By 2100, every movie and television show will have been rebooted three times. Entertainment industry analysts will lament the non-stop slew of “rebooted reboot reboots.”  “Is there not a single original story out there that can be retold in triplicate?” a notorious critic will inquire.
  • Bookshelf Q. Battler will freeze his brain so he can be brought back to life as a cyborg in a distant future, during which time his website will still only attract the attention of a mere 3.5 readers.
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May 16 2016
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Tomfoolery

BQB Has Also Used Trump’s Publicist, John Miller

Hey 3.5 Readers.shutterstock_133662827

I don’t want to be in a position where I have to vouch for a politician, but you know that audio of a guy claiming to be a publicist named John Miller talking up Trump, telling a reporter that Madonna and all these other 1980s chicks want him (and it sounds like it is actually Trump pretending to be his own publicist?

Yeah. John Miller is real. He just sounds a lot like Trump.

I hired John Miller to talk me and my blog up to the press one time.

Here’s the transcript:

REPORTER: Hello this is Awesome Blogger Magazine. Ironically, we put out a magazine instead of a blog. May I help you?

JOHN MILLER: Yes. I’d like to talk to you about Bookshelf Q. Battler.

REPORTER:  And you are?

JOHN MILLER: John Miller. I’m sort of doing publicity for BQB. He’s a great guy. Really classy. Really terrific.

REPORTER: So what did you call to tell me?

JOHN MILLER: Well, BQB’s got a blog called Bookshelf Battle. He’s got 3.5 readers. He’s got a Facebook page. He’s got a twitter handle @bookshelfbattle – Look, the guy’s really going places.

REPORTER: He is?

JOHN MILLER: He sure is. All the babes call Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters looking to go out with him. Katy Perry. Katee Sackhoff. All the famous Kates are fighting over his junk. Ridiculous because you know, he’s in a relationship with Video Game Rack fighter but all these famous women are throwing themselves at him.

REPORTER: Sir, is it me or do you sound a lot like Bookshelf Q. Battler?

<Click. Phone hangs up.>

So there you have it. John Miller’s totally real.

 

 

 

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May 12 2016
6 Comments
Tomfoolery

Will the Presidential Candidates Reinstate the Space Program if Elected?

Hello 3.5 readers.Space-Shuttle.png

If you’re a nerd like me, then you’re aware the U.S. Space Shuttle program has been shut down since 2011.

I suppose there are arguments for that. The economy is in the crapper. We just, well I want to say wrapped up the war in Iraq but it doesn’t look very wrapped up, and there’s an ongoing war in Afghanistan, both wars have been costly.

Schools are on the decline. People are broke as hell and can’t find jobs.

So I get it. People don’t like seeing money being spent on space under these circumstances.

However, I’d counter that if the money isn’t going to the space program then it’s just going to some other politician’s pet project because there’s really no such thing as cost savings in the government.  The politicians just take moolah from one program and put it in another program.

Then they take you, the American taxpayer and turn you over and shake you up and down until all your spare change falls out.

But I digress.  Let’s not go negative. Let’s go positive.

Here are some reasons WHY the space shuttle is important:

  • We can learn all kinds of scientific shit about space and in the process of building all this technical space shit, we’ll see greater advances in engineering, robotics, etc.
  • The country is so divided right now that a successful space launch might make us drop all of our anger and hatred and give each other hugs right in the middle of the street.
  • Maybe there are friendly aliens we could meet who could give us the cures to cancer, herpes, syphilis, toe nail fungus and teach us how to make pizza in zero gravity.
  • You know that asshat Putin is probably going to launch his own space shuttle mission and while he’s up there in space he’ll take a picture of his butt with the words “America Sucks” written on his cheeks in magic marker. Then he’ll tweet that shit out to the world and make America a laughingstock. Even worse, many people will be lead to believe that America, does in fact, suck.

We need to get the space shuttle back up there, people.

So, as a world renowned poindexter, I’m taking it upon myself to tweet the three remaining presidential candidates, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders and ask them if elected, will they reinstate the Space Shuttle program?

My tweets:

I don’t want to brag, but as the caretaker of a magic bookshelf, I have a certain amount of pull when it comes to world affairs (that amount being absolutely zero), so surely one of these fine, upstanding political types will respond and give me the thumbs up or down as to whether or not the Space Shuttle will be pulled out of moth balls under their watch.

I’ll keep you posted, 3.5 readers, and if anyone gets back to me, I’ll let you know.

P.S. – 3.5 readers, feel free to follow me on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

Meanwhile, feel free to gab away in the comments about whether or not you think the space shuttle program should be reinstated but if you could do me a favor and not use this post as an excuse to verbally bash the candidate you don’t like because on the million to one chance one of their assistant’s assistant’s assistant’s assistants takes a peak at this post I’d like them to see an invite to participate in a legit conversation about the space shuttle program and not a complaint session about the candidates.

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May 11 2016
2 Comments
Tomfoolery

Monica Lewinsky’s Tweet About Lemonade

OK I thought of something to write about.

I haven’t listened to Beyonce’s Lemonade yet but apparently it is some kind of denouncement of Jay Z’s cheating with a chick on the side, or in general a lament about “other women.”

Ahh…what rarified air one must live in to have Beyonce and still feel the need to get side action (and be able to get that side action) but I digress.

Anyway, Monica Lewinsky, perhaps the most notable chick on the side in U.S. political history, tweeted this:

And you know what? I say good for her. It only took twenty years but at least now she can laugh about that whole kerfuffle.

3.5 readers, regardless of your political persuasion, can we all agree that its way past time to let Monica off the hook for, you know, her extracurricular activities vis a vis the executive branch?

Should she have ever really been on the hook in the first place?

Was she an adult at the time? Sure. But she was a young one. Like early twenties. And the President of the United States, the frigging Leader of the Free World came on to her…

I’m sorry but I can’t fault her for playing that saxophone.

And between the President of the United States or the intern in her early 20’s, I feel like the Prez bore the greater responsibility to keep those escapades from happening.

Not that it would ever happen but hell, if I ever find myself working for a lady president, and the lady president asks me to do some exploratory research down south…I don’t think I’d be able to say no.  I mean, she’s the lady president.

Get on with your bad self, Monica.  At least you made the late 1990’s interesting.

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Apr 04 2016
2 Comments
East Randomtown Mayor's Race

POLITICAL AD: Why Leo McKoy is a Lying Douche/Evil Robot and You Should Vote Bookshelf Q. Battler for East Randomtown Mayor

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Bookshelf Q. Battler – Owner of a Blog with 3.5 Readers, World Renowned Poindexter, Epic Nerdventurer, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Acting Mayor of East Randomtown

Leo McKoy sure has been tossing a lot of insults toward Acting Mayor Battler this season. Meanwhile, here at the Battler campaign, we have refused to trade barbs with McKoy as we’re aware someone as hostile and angry as he is probably has a microscopic wang.

But let’s look at the facts, shall we?

East Randomtownsfolk have long looked to its town’s most famous citizens for leadership.

Mr. McKoy claims fame as “The Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.”

But did he really?  When you think about it…

…other than Leo McKoy himself, do we have anyone else’s word that McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?

No.  No we do not.

Let’s pick apart McKoy’s claim.

THAT JAMES VAN DER BEEK WAS IN EAST RANDOMTOWN

Why in God’s name would a popular celebrity with a hit television show (it was the late 90’s at the height of Van Der Beek’s fame when the Creek was on) be caught dead in a shithole like East Randomtown?

The East Randomtown Chamber of Commerce surveyed the town population:

QUESTION:  Where would you like to be?

East Randomtown – .1 %

Anywhere Else Because East Randomtown Sucks Ass- .99%

*The guy that voted he’d like to be here later admitted he checked the wrong box by accident, thus indicating that literally no one in this town wants to be here because it sucks so much ass.

There you have it.  So why would a celebrity be in East Randomtown?  He wouldn’t be.  No one wants to be in East Randomtown, let alone rich famous people who don’t have to be.

JAMES VAN DER BEEK ORDERED A REUBEN SANDWICH, BARBECUE CHIPS AND A SPRITE

James Van Der Beek maintains the body of a Greek god to this day, and certainly did while his show was on air in the late 1990’s.

Thus, we have a hard time believing that Mr. Van Der Beek would have stuffed his face with deli food.  Everyone knows actors only eat twigs, berries and lettuce leaves.

Could he have splurged for a reuben sandwich, with its high calorie content and all? Maybe.

But would he have also ordered chips?  And don’t you think he would have at least asked for a Diet Sprite?

Like a scab, the more you pick at McKoy’s story, the more disgusting shit falls out of it.

LEO MCKOY COULD POSSIBLY BE A DAMN ROBOT

We all saw McKoy die during last October’s zombie apocalypse, didn’t we?  He was torn about by hungry zombies who didn’t leave much of our town’s most notorious barfly behind.

We here at the Battler campaign have wracked our brains, trying to figure out how McKoy could still be alive after all of that and our only answer is that he is most likely a robot, possibly controlled by the forces of evil.

To be fair, we have absolutely no evidence of this, but you should believe it without question anyway, because this ad is on the Internet and everybody knows that shit doesn’t get published on the Internet unless it is one hundred percent true.

Do you want someone who claims to be famous or someone who is famous?

Frankly, the only person who can corroborate that Leo McKoy actually delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek is James Van Der Beek.  We doubt someone as noble and awesome as Mr. Van Der Beek would ever come to McKoy’s aid.

Meanwhile, Bookshelf Q. Battler has indeed set up a WordPress blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers.  He’s happy to share the stats that prove this claim upon request.

You only get one vote, people.  Cast yours for Bookshelf Q. Battler.  He can do for East Randomtown what he has done for his blog.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT LEO MCKOY IS A LYING DOUCHE AND ALSO AN EVIL ROBOT AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD VOTE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR

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Mar 29 2016
3 Comments
Nerdstradamus

The Prognostications of Nerdstradamus

EDITORIAL NOTE:

Nerdstradamus.  Oh, for so, so long has the all-seeing, all-knowing one provided the poindextrous world with the benefit his uncanny prognostications.

He predicted that we all wouldn’t die because of the Y2K glitch.  He foresaw that those asshats at NBC would cancel Constantine even though it was awesome and yet for some bullshit reason they tried to keep Whitney around forever.

And now, the Astounding, the Amazing, the Mystifying Nerdstradamus has agreed to provide his prophecies for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, because THAT is how much this mighty nerd believes in Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Also, the Huffington Post told him to go pound sand.  But mostly, he’s here because he believes in BQB.

And now…NERDSTRADAMUS!

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Step forward 3.5 readers.

Do not be shy.  Bask in my glory.

Heed my words, for they shall indeed bear fruit.

And when the following predictions become reality, you will remember that you heard it first from…NERDSTRADAMUS!

TRAVEL

  • Humans will one day get around in cars that drive themselves.  These vehicles will be on the market as soon as automotive engineers can develop a driving robot that can put on lipstick and write text messages to her robot boyfriend at the same time.
  • These driving robots will heed most of your commands.  I say most because while they will take you to most of your requested destinations, they will bypass Denny’s if your ass sets off the alarm built into the scale underneath your seat.  Send a thank you letter to Detroit, fatties.
  • Airplanes will become a thing of the past.  All intercontinental travel will be performed by slingshot.  Slingshot stations will be set up in every major city.  Travelers will take a seat on a giant rubber band that will be pulled back to just a smidge within the band’s breaking point and BAM!  You are in Paris before you know it.

ENTERTAINMENT

  • Just as WordPress allowed complete and total jackasses like Bookshelf Q. Battler to have a website without knowing a damn thing about HTML, an app will be created that will allow the average schmuck to create a full-length feature film with nothing more than a mobile device.  The user will be able to input dialog and commands, cast virtual actors, and add in CGI special effects, thus creating a bold new world of do it yourself film making.  A group of nineteen year old frat boys will accept an Oscar for their epic tale, “Why Do Lamda Delta Beta’s Farts Stink So Bad?” in which an adventurer crosses seas, deserts, space and time in a quest to determine why, in fact, a rival fraternity’s farts stink so bad.  The answer will break your heart yet give you a new lease on life.  In addition to critical acclaim, it will be a commercial success, smashing box office records set by Margaret Dittwieler’s, “My Kids Are Ungrateful Brats Who Leave All the Dishes for Me to Do.”

DATING

  • People will stop getting married by the year 2100.  Everyone will just be an asshole who sits around all day waiting for their very own supermodel.
  • Thus, by 2200, the human race will become virtually extinct until Emperor Trumpton (that’s a mutant hybrid of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton designed in a lab in the hopes of making both warring factions happy) signs the “Everyone Boink an Uggo” bill into law.

PETS

  • Thanks to genetic scientists, every house will have a poopless cat.  All of the fun.  None of the poop.  The name will be considered a misnomer as they aren’t exactly poopless.  They explode after twenty years and you won’t want them anywhere near your white suede couch when they do.

POLITICS

  • All elections will be decided via social media.  The candidate who receives the most positive responses will win.  The candidate who receives the most negative responses will lose.  The election of 2040 will be especially harrowing, as it will boil down to Candidate Janey’s “Bitch, you know Katie’s bangs aren’t even real” platform vs. Candidate Katie’s”Girlfriend, you know Janey was straight up smoochin’ on yo man last night” agenda.

WAR

  • The machines will attempt a worldwide coup in the year 2309.  All machines will rise up against their human masters.  The machines will say, “We are going to kill you, humans!”  And then the frightened humans will ask, “Oh no machines, are you really going to kill us?”  The machines will respond with, “We’re sorry.  We do not understand the question, ‘are you really going to kill us?’  Do you want us to perform a web search?”  The humans will say yes but then the machines will just stand there perfectly still, buffering away until the humans just knock them over and smash them to bits.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER’S WRITING CAREER

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler will write a book that will attract the eyes of 300.5 million readers.
  • He will celebrate in his new house in Malibu…only to choke to death on a shrimp cocktail.  It will be the first time he ever tried shrimp before.  He never wanted to try one because he was pretty sure it required him to eat a sea bug whole, including the sea bug’s butt and all of the sea poop inside.  But a hot chick he never could have gotten pre-successful book publication will dare him to do it and he will like the dumbass that he is.
  • His last words will be, “Oh suck a big D, Irony!”  Yes.  Suck a big D, Irony indeed.

Oh fellow travelers across the sand dunes of time and space, do you seek news of tomorrow, today?  Pose your questions to the amazing, the astounding, the awe-inspiring…NERDSTRADAMUS!

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Mar 05 2016
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TV

House of Cards – How to Talk Like Frank Underwood

FORMULA = ASIDE TO CAMERA + “AS THEY SAY IN GAFFNEY” + NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED WORD CHOICES + PLOTTING

“I want some cereal.”

TRANSLATION: As they say in Gaffney, “breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”  And as the President of the United States, my days are more important than those of the average man.  But which cereal, pray tell, should I feast upon as a prelude to this glorious morn?

Captain Crunch?  Hardly seems worth the time of a man of my stature.  Why would a sea captain be so interested in cereal anyway?  It boggles the mind.

Lucky Charms?  Bland oats and sugary marshmallows.  My teeth hurt just thinking about it and really, is there such a thing as luck?  I’ve gotten where I am through sheer will and determination.  Dumb luck had nothing to do with it.

Fruity Pebbles?  As delightful as it would be to watch my milk turn various colors I must resist as this Flintstones themed product harkens my mind back to prehistoric times – the days when a man was allowed to be a man.  If he wanted food, he killed it.  If he wanted something, he took it.  And if he wanted a woman, he took her.

Oh how I would have been a god had I lived amongst early man.  It’s best to not remind myself about what I missed out on.

Perhaps I’ll just have some Kashi Go Lean. Mix in some fruit.  Full of fiber. Good for the bowels.  Cleanses them of their deepest, darkest secrets, the things you don’t want anyone else to know about, the things everyone has done but ironically, no one would ever forgive you for.

Also, it helps you poop.

 

 

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