Tag Archives: romance

Apr 05 2016
3 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady

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Video Game Rack Fighter Cat – Official Pet of BQB’s Better-Half

Pets.  They bring joy to our lives and only ask for food, water and the ability to poop and barf all over our rugs, furniture and priceless possessions in return because they are dirty disgusting little bastards.

Hey, no one threw you out that one time you pooped on the sofa (you know you did it) so you can give your furry friend a break for the occasional accident, right?

But what if it is two furry friends?  Or three furry friends?  Or fifty-eight furry friends?!

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady:

10:  Wherever she goes and whatever she set out to do, she never fails to come home with an extra cat.  Trip to the store for milk?  New cat.  Dentist appointment?  New cat.    Went to the movies?  New cat.  Westminster Dog Show?  New cat.

9.  No matter what you do in the house, you run the risk of a cat falling and landing  on your head.  Open the cupboard for your breakfast cereal.  Cat lands on your head.  Open the closet to get a new shirt for the day.  Cat lands on your head.  Open the desk drawer to find a pen.  A cat jumps up into the air and then…lands on your head.

8.  You went to the doctor for a bad cough.  X-rays indicate your lungs are 90% hair.

7.  You buy those pet hair rollers with extra stickiness by the case.

6.  You’ve become skilled at the 10-K hairball hork dash.  (When a cat begins to make horking sounds and you pick it up and run it outside before it can puke all over the rug.)

5.  What am I saying?  Your girlfriend is a cat lady.  You gave up on the rug years ago.  That rug is 5% carpet fiber and 95% puke.

4.  You have enough litter boxes in the basement to fill the Mojave three times off.

3.  And for some reason, even though she wanted all the cats, you’re always cleaning the boxes because, I don’t know, women’s rights or some shit.

2.  They take turns sleeping on your face.  She says it is because they love you but you are pretty sure they are using their pillow like bodies to smother you in your sleep.

  1.  There’s probably a joke about pu%&y to be made here, but you’ve heard them all before…because your house is filled…with so many damn cats.

 

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Apr 03 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja

Female-Ninja-Silhouette-800px Ninjutsu.  The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.

If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.

But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:

10.  Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move.  Don’t worry.  That’s just ninja foreplay.

9.  You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher.  It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.

8.  Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around, then disappear just as quickly as it arrived.  You’re left confused yet strangely satisfied and in need of a cigarette.

7.  You wish she could be like most women and leave your “Honey-Do” list of chores on the kitchen table.  Instead, you’ve grown accustomed to walking down the hall, minding your own business, only to have a damn throwing knife sail past your eyes.  It ends up pinned to the wall with a note attached that reads, “Take out the trash.  You forgot to last week and it is starting to stink.  Also be a lamb and get my dry cleaning.”

6.  She wins every argument by shooting you in the neck with a blow dart.

5.  Her closet has more black outfits hanging in it than Johnny Cash ever owned.

4.  As a joke, you told her that her butt looks big in those black pants.  As her foot connected to your face in a perfectly executed roundhouse kick, you realized this joke was ill advised.

3.  She runs up the sides of buildings.  You get winded running a mile down the road.

2.  Brings her katana blade on every date.  Refuses to explain why.  You try your best to make small talk but you can still see the handle peaking over her shoulder as it sits in the sheath strapped to her back.

  1. She offered to neutralize your enemies.  You explain to her that you’re a peacenik and not really big on “neutralization” but thank her anyway.  It’s the thought that counts.
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Apr 03 2016
8 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Romantic Movie Fanatic

shutterstock_3277737Oh Hollywood.  When will you ever learn that every time you put out another cheesy romantic movie, you’re causing the women in our lives to hold us up to ridiculously high standards?

Men, are your women way into romance flicks for YOUR own good?

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten warning signs your girlfriend might be a romance movie fanatic:

10.  She watched Serendipity then erased her number from your phone and wrote it down in a copy of the book, Love in the Time of Cholera.  She sold the book to a used book store and then informed you that you will never talk to her again unless fate sees that the book with her number in it makes its way to you.  You call her the next day and you are all like “Seriously babe I remember your number because we’ve been dating for years” and she’s like “Why do you ruin everything?”

9.  Whenever she watches Sleepless in Seattle, she demands that you meet her at the top of the Empire State Building.  After doing this once or twice, you sit her down for a talk in which you explain that while you do love her very much, you’re going to end up in the poor house if you have to take time off of work, fly to New York City and then stand around on top of the Empire State Building like a jackass every time Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are on TV.  She laments your total lack of Tom Hanks in his prime charm.

8.  Ever since she saw Notting Hill she greets you with “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.”  It seems sweet at first, but then she starts demanding you speak with a Hugh Grant-esque British accent.  You could do it to keep the peace if you wanted to.  It’s mostly just going “um um um uh” a lot but you refuse to demean yourself.  You’re an American, dammit and she can take your regular voice or leave it.  (Psst…she’ll probably leave it.)

7.  My Best Friend’s Wedding leaves her disappointed if get togethers involving your family don’t break out in a spontaneous song and dance rendition of I Say A Little Prayer For You.  You try your best to make it happen but your Aunt Edna can’t hit the high notes.

6.  Her love of Say Anything requires you to stand outside her window in a trench coat whilst holding a boom box in the air.  She won’t make any reasonable concessions about this.  You still have to wear the trench coat in August and no matter how heavy the boom box gets, she won’t let you hold up your iPhone with Pandora blaring on it instead.

5.  Chasing Amy has led her to believe your relationship would improve if a) she were to become a lesbian and b) you tried to look more like Ben Affleck.  The lesbian thing is doable but the Ben Affleck thing is unlikely.

4.  Ever since you two watched The Notebook, she asks if you’d spend a large chunk of your life in a depressed funk if she were to ever leave you.  You realize it’s for your own good to say yes but deep inside, you know there are other fish in the sea.  Most won’t require you to climb up the side of a ferris wheel like a dumb ass either.

3.  She has long dreamed that you’d become more like Patrick Swayze in Ghost and sensually work a pottery wheel with her in perfect time with her hands.  You try your best but the apartment just ends up covered with sticky gobs of clay.  Part of you just wants to give her five bucks to go buy a damn ash tray, flower pot or whatever she’s always trying to make with that thing.

2.  She made you watch Love Story.  You’ve been on anti-depressants ever since.

  1. She’s a big fan of Titanic, so much so that you often find her butt naked on the couch, breathlessly urging you to “draw me like one of your French girls.”  You grab a paper and pencil and do your best to sketch a stick figure with circle boobs but she invariably just puts her robe back on and storms off in a huff.  Seriously dude, take an art class.
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Apr 02 2016
2 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch

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Not exactly the nicest thing to call your girlfriend…unless she is one.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warnings Signs that Your Smoochy Poo might be a Witchy Poo:

10.  She’s always green…even when she isn’t sick.

9.  But unlike Kermit, being green is easy for her.

8.  Whenever she leaves, your broomstick is nowhere to be found.  That’s ok though because you weren’t that much of a housekeeper anyway you dirty slob.

7.  You’re not entirely sure water would melt her, but now that you think of it, you can’t recall ever seeing her drink a bottle of Aquafina.  Maybe she’s a witch or maybe she’s just not a dumb ass who is willing to shell out good money for bottled water when the tap is perfectly fine.  (But seriously, if you two live in Flint, Michigan and she doesn’t drink Aquafina then she is a big time witch my friend.)

6.  Her closet contains a wide selection of black pointy hats with belt buckles on them. She is unable to explain what the hell those belt buckles are for.  Seriously, does anyone out there know why witch hats have belt buckles on them?  Belts are for pants you dumb witches!

5.  She steadfastly maintains that Dorothy was the villain in The Wizard of Oz.

4.  Her purse contents include: lipstick, chapstick, hairspray, mints and eye of newt.

3.  Always wins the fight by turning you into a toad.  She eventually turns you back to normal, but your craving for flies never goes away.

2.  She cackles at all of your jokes.  But she’s got a good heart because she even cackles at the ones that aren’t funny.  And most of them aren’t funny.

  1. Whenever she unzips your pants, she invariably cries out, “I’ll get you my pretty!”  You just go along with it because no one has ever called it pretty before.  Let’s face it.  No one else ever will either.  This witch is a keeper.

HONORABLE MENTION

We would have also accepted:

  •  The big ass cauldron in the middle of her living room always distracts you during make-out sessions…especially because you’re totally sure you saw something move in there.
  • Her winged monkeys are so helpful you don’t know how you ever got along without them.  From the remote to snacks, there’s nothing these furry little lackeys aren’t willing to fetch for you.
  • Sometimes she “leaves” then a crusty old hag returns to offer you an apple.  Don’t take the apple.
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Apr 02 2016
8 Comments
Writing

Retirement Canceled

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One of BQB’s 3.5 readers rejoices upon news of BQB’s return.

Well that was a short retirement.

What brought me back so quickly?

Was it the early dinners?  Hell no.  I love to eat at four p.m.

Was it the retiree fashions? Absolutely not.  I walk around with my pants pulled up to my chin most of the time anyway.

It was you.  My 3.5 readers.

You guys probably thought yesterday’s big announcement was an April Fool’s Day prank.

Had I wanted to make an April Fools Day joke I would have just announced that I’m pregnant, or gay, or gay and pregnant like every other mouth breathing nincompoop on my Facebook feed.

Nope.  I was for real.  I was calling it quits and taking myself out of the blogging game.  It’s becoming too much of a rat race.  All wheel and no cheese.

Plus, there’s a guy with a new blog in which he claims to be the caretaker of a magic musical CD carrying case, who fights vampires and chupacabras, and is best friends with a troll.  Did I mention he is trying to become a writer in order to stave off an invasion from underground mole people?

Who can compete with that shit?  Derivative much?

But my hits yesterday were much higher than usual.  104 visitors to be exact.  While I come close often, I rarely break the 100 barrier so color me excited.

Write your heart out on a zombie cowboy novel?  People shrug their shoulders.  Whip out a few top ten lists about wacky girlfriends and people set their mouses (mice?) on fire with the clicketty clicks.

Fear not.  The Zombie Western shall continue.  But you’ve now also encouraged me to write more wacky girlfriend top ten lists so tell me, what else are you dudes worried that your girlfriend might be?

Is she:

  • A pirate
  • An alien
  • A ninja
  • Mother of God.  Your girlfriend could be a pirate alien ninja.

Ladies, get in the act.  Your boyfriend could also something awful…more so than he obviously is now.

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Apr 01 2016
2 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Damn Reality TV Star

shutterstock_267550688 And now from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Reality Television Star!

10.  Cameras follow her around wherever she goes, despite the fact that she never does anything relevant or newsworthy whatsoever.

9.  Meanwhile, producers follow you around wherever you go, demanding that you engage your girlfriend in obviously contrived dramatic interactions.  Tell her you have a disease that you don’t really have.  Tell her that her sister is dying when she doesn’t even have a sister.  Tell her a mutual friend that doesn’t exist was just hit by a bus. Just tell her something that sounds totally awful to keep the viewers from changing the channel.

8. That teeny weeny dog living in her purse gets more kisses from her than you do.

7.  When she does kiss you she leaves so much glitter on you that you end up looking like Tinkerbell took a dump on your face.

6.  You’ve grown accustomed to words like “lurve,” “totes” and “bae.”  At least when you’re down, you can always count on a “I totes lurve u 4-eva bae” text.  (If she isn’t busy at da club.)

5.  She drinks enough to drop a Clydesdale, yet somehow manages to looks good in the morning…er, well…in the afternoon…after twenty-five assistants fix and readjust everything.

4.  She has her own fragrance, vodka, fashion line and music album.  Yet somehow, her head will explode if you ask her to read The Cat in the Hat.

3.  You broke the news to her that your doctor thinks you need a colonoscopy.  She wants to know if she can live tweet the whole experience and put the camera feed on periscope.

2.  People are constantly searching the inter webs for nude photos of her.  Stop selling nude photos of her, you pervert.

  1. She argues with you using hashtags:

YOU:  Hi babe.  Sorry I’m late.

HER: #tookyoulongenough!

YOU:  I couldn’t help it.  Traffic was a nightmare.

HER: #tellsomeonewhocares

YOU:  Aww.  Don’t be like that.

HER: #worstboyfriendever!

HONORABLE MENTION:

We would have also accepted:

  • Owns more leopard printed clothing than Tarzan.
  • Ironically, wears less of said clothing, or any clothing really, than Tarzan.
  • Owns enough shoes to outfit a gaggle of centipedes.
  • Selfies.  So many selfies.
  • Tries to look hot with a duck faced selfie.  Ends up looking like Daisy Duck suffering through a yeast infection.
  • She gets a manicure.  It’s a show.  She gets a pedicure.  It’s a show.  She goes shopping. It’s a show.  She stands on one foot and bounces up and down?  It’s a two hour special.
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Mar 31 2016
8 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Russian Spy

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The Russians.

Oh sure, they say they want to be our friends but then as soon as we aren’t looking they kick the Ukraine in the balls and give East Europe a wedgie.

Let’s face it.  For many Russians the Cold War never ended and they’re looking for their chance to spread communism across the globe.

Fellow American men, here are some warning signs that your girlfriend might in fact be a Russian spy:

10.  You asked her if she is a Russian spy and her answer was “nyet.”  Nyet, of course, is Russian for “no.”  This is a clear sign your girlfriend is a Russian spy as an American woman would have responded, “No” or “Shut up and buy me something assface.”

9.  You glanced at her cell phone and noticed she has “Putin” listed in her contacts.

8.  She gets up in the middle of the night, strips naked, opens up the freezer and then just stands there taking in the cold blast.  You could question her about this, but she’ll just give you some bullshit excuse about it being some kind of weird sex fetish.  In actuality, she does this because it reminds her of summertime in her native Siberia.

7.  She can’t name a single player on the local baseball team.  (Note for this to work you need to not be a nerd who doesn’t know a single player on your local baseball team.)

6.  She has difficulty fitting in during social gatherings.  You and your friends always want to talk about movies, music and popular culture whereas she just keeps randomly blurting out stuff like, “Religion is the opiate of the masses!” and “When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use!”

5.  Ever since she got a look at your fully stocked bathroom she’s been willing to do horrible, unspeakable things in the boudoir in exchange for a roll of two-ply.  “Pass the Charmin” has taken on an entirely new meaning.

4.  You have compared notes with your male friends.  When their girlfriends get mad at them, they get a lecture or the cold shoulder.  When your girlfriend gets mad at you, she slams her shoe down on the counter and shouts, “We will bury you!”

3.  Whenever you ask her where she wants to go on your next date, she invariably replies, “the Pentagon” then asks if you know whether or not they allow flash photography.

2.  She regularly asks if that is a hammer or a sickle in your pants or are you just happy to see her.

  1. You wake up often in the middle of the night to find your neck locked between her thighs, leaving you gasping for air.  You question her about it but she swears she’s just being kinky.  She’s not.  She’s trying to strangle the shit out of you like one of those damn double agent she-assassins that are always trying to kill James Bond.  Oh well.  We all have to go sometime and what a way to go.
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Mar 31 2016
15 Comments
zombies

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie

shutterstock_142239178From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:

10.  She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.

9.  She wants you for your brains.  No, not the thoughts in your brains.  You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.

8.  She bumps into walls more than usual.

7.  You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.

6.  She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.

5.  She looks really mad at you.  You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”

4.  She asks if her butt looks big in the jeans she is wearing.  You note that her butt fell off weeks ago.

3.  Despite a lack of cognitive functions, she still has the ability to get mad at you about shit you did a long time ago.

EXAMPLE

YOU: Babe, stop trying to eat my brains.

HER: Grrr…argh…I bet you’d let that bitch you were staring at at the club in 2009 eat your brains…grrr…argh…brains…

2.  Also, despite the above mentioned lack of cognitive functions, she still holds you to the impossibly high standards set by Hollywood romance movies.

EXAMPLE

YOU:  Babe, your face is leaking puss.

HER:  Grr…argh…you should still love me anyway…grrr…and you should have better hair, bigger muscles, more money, and a cooler car…grrr…argh…brains!

  1.  Her boobs fell off but you’re pretty sure if you could just figure out how to sew them back on you could make this human/zombie romance work.
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Feb 24 2016
2 Comments
Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 48

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With Reverend Cavanaugh between them, Slade and Sarah faced one another. Sarah gazed longingly at her man. Slade did his best to appear interested but in his mind he was mapping out the best possible escape route as if he were about to rob a bank and make a run for it.

“Dearly beloved,” the Reverend said. “We gather today to join this man, Rainier Slade and this woman, Sarah Farquhar in the bonds of holy matrimony.”

The Reverend opened up his bible, peeped at a card with some notes scribbled on it, then carried on. “For as Enoch said unto Elijah on the road to Damascus, ‘There is surely no act more pleasing to our righteous God than for a man to lie with the same woman day after day, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, until the end of time comes and the glorious rapture returns all who are pure to their much deserved glory.”

In the pews, Doc swilled back his medicine.

“Gimmie some of that,” Annabelle whispered. “I didn’t know this was going to be so preachy.”  She took a big gulp then handed the bottle back to Doc.

“And ye, it must be known to all,” the Reverend said. “That marriage is truly the noblest of institutions…”

“My Mavis used to say anyone who wants to get married should be in an institution,” Gunther whispered to Ophelia. She frowned and shook her head disapprovingly.

“In fact, it was Aaron who said unto Jeremiah who in turn, spread the message to the Sumerians, ‘When a man lies with a woman not his wife, or a woman lies with a man not her husband it is considered an egregious sin in the eyes of our Lord and don’t even get me started on when two men or two women lie with one another…”

Blake and Townsend sat in the back, mostly to trade snide comments about Slade but also in the hopes of free eats.

“You told me there would be sandwiches,” Blake said.

“I don’t know,” Townsend said. “Every wedding I been to they usually put out a little something. Usually not until after the ceremony though.”

“Shit,” Blake said. “I bet Slade’s too cheap to shell out for sandwiches.”

Townsend started a thought. “Well if he’s half a good a host as he was a marshal…”

Blake finished it for him. “…I’ll starve to death.”

The Reverend kept preaching away. “I’ve had the good fortune to perform many wedding ceremonies in my day and the one piece of advice I never fail to offer to a couple is this. ‘Be true to one another.’”

Slade audibly gulped.

“Yes, ” the Reverend said. “Husbands and wives must be honest with one another at all times for a marriage built upon a foundation of lies will never provide a happy home but rather, serve as a sanctuary for the devil.”

Slade’s heart beat faster.

“No matter how painful it may be for a couple to share their deepest, darkest secrets with each other, they MUST do so, for even the smallest, most seemingly insignificant fib is still a falsehood with the potential to boil over into tremendous sorrow.”

“Shit,” Slade thought. “If this is going to piss off God maybe I HAVE to say something.”

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the Reverend said. “It is my understanding that the couple has written some vows that they wish to share with each other.”

“We have?” Rain thought.

“Sarah,” the Reverend said.

Sarah took Slade’s hands into hers. “Rain, all my life my choices have been made for me. First by my father, then by Josiah. In effect, I’ve never had a choice about anything at all until today. I choose you because I love you. When you hold me I feel safe. All my cares wash away and it is as if you and I are the only two people left in the world…”

“No one told me I was suppose to say anything,” Slade thought.

“…and should I die tomorrow,” Sarah continued. “My life will be complete, for having known the joy of being your wife. I vow to spend all my days thinking of new ways to make you as happy as you have made me.”

Annabelle was so touched she cried. Doc took another swig of his Cure-All then handed it to his new love interest.

“It will calm your menstruations, my dear,” he whispered.

Slade may have been madly in love with Miss Bonnie, but as far as he was concerned, what Sarah had just said was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. God would have to be disappointed with his lack of honesty.

Sarah looked at her groom with big brown eyes.

“Shit,” Slade said. “When she was babbling away on the ride in. That’s probably when she said to have something to say.  Damn it.”

The guests grew silent. Slade coughed.

“You’re special,” Slade said.

Slade looked around. Everyone waited for more.

“And pretty,” Slade said.

People were still waiting. What did they want?

“And I promise to be a good husband and wipe the shit off my boots before I come in the house.”

Silence. Sarah cried tears of joy. Even Gunther had a little moisture in his good eye.

“That was beautiful,” the old man said.

“Such lovely words,” the Reverend said. “Before we carry on, I ask now, if any one should object to this union, I bid you to speak now or forever hold your peace.”

The church doors swung open, a gust of wind blew in and the whole room got a whole lot…smellier.

Smelly Jack stomped down the aisle with his brother-cousins behind him.

“I OBJECT!!!”

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Feb 22 2016
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Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – A Note on Chapter 44

Soo…I never really intended to give “Annabelle” any more screen time but…

  1.  I needed to somehow get Doc out of the saloon…
  2. …because if I don’t (spoiler alert) then there will be no more Doc…
  3. …and this was the best idea I could think of.

You have to go with what you’ve got and I actually think they make a nice couple.

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