Tag Archives: scifi

Jul 16 2016
2 Comments
Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Ghostbusters (2016)

Ghostbusters with vaginas. What will they think of next?

Who you gonna call?

SPOILER BUSTERS.

Because…spoilers.

BQB here with a review of the revamped Ghostbusters.

I can’t think of another movie that inspired so much hype, controversy, nerd rage and socio-politcal debate.

So rather than an all out review, I’ll anticipate and answer the questions of my 3.5 readers.

WAS IT GOOD?

Yes.  It was your pretty standard summer movie.

WAS IT BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL?

No, because that was too perfect.  “Alexander wept because he had no more worlds to conquer.”

As a movie-goer, I weep because there’s very little Hollywood can do to wow me. All the special effects tricks have been discovered, CGI has been around forever, every line has been crossed, every boundary has been pushed.

The original film mixed special effects, action and comedy into something no one had ever seen before. I was wowed when I saw it as a little kid. Thirty some odd years later, I’ve seen it all now when it comes to movies.  I suppose there won’t be a new boundary to push until they create some kind of immersive virtual reality movie or something.

Millennials, you’ll never experience the awe I did as a boy sitting in a theater with a crowd of people who had never seen life like ghosts on screen for the first time.  But don’t feel too bad because all that really means in the grand scheme of things is I’ve got less time before I become a ghost than you do.

DID HAVING AN ALL FEMALE CAST RUIN THE MOVIE?

No. Anyone who takes up the Ghostbusters gauntlet has taken on a massive challenge.  “Oh yes. Let me remake the movie that every adult remembers fondly from their childhood.”

No. No pressure at all.

But they did about as good as anyone could under that pressure.

They were funny. They played their characters well.  In my opinion, Kate McKinnon as wacky inventor Holtzmann and Leslie Jones as “keeping it real” Patty stole the show.

I’M A WOMAN AND I FEEL THAT I AM DISCRIMINATED AGAINST DUE TO MY OWNERSHIP OF A VAGINA. WILL THIS FILM STOP THAT?

Probably not.  McKinnon and Jones, as well as Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig were all believable as three scientists and a New York history buff turned paranormal investigators and eliminators.

They didn’t really do anything to overtly point out that “hey we’re lady Ghostbusters.” Instead, they went through the same difficulties the original Ghostbusters went through i.e. trying to figure out the science of ghost busting without blowing themselves up while the fate of the world is on the line.

That’s a lot of pressure for anyone, whether they have a penis or a vagina.

There was a running gag where they post their ghost footage to YouTube and have to deal with crackpot social media comments, an obvious dig at the online backlash the film went through.

WAS IT RACIST TO HAVE MADE LESLIE JONES’ CHARACTER THE ONLY NON-SCIENTIST?

Hmm.  Well, I doubt that was the intent. Her character is a subway worker who in her spare time studies New York City history, thus her knowledge of what lies underneath the city and its history becomes essential to the team.

In other words, she wasn’t a scientist but she wasn’t dumb either.

WAS IT FUNNY?

There were times that I laughed. There were jokes that fell flat. Funniest moments came from Holtzmann, Patty, and the gang’s super dumb man-secretary, Kevin (Chris Hemsworth.)

For me personally, there were not any of the gut-busting, uncontrollable “I can’t stop laughing” laughs which is what you’d like to see in a Ghostbusters movie.

WAS IT JUST A REHASH OF THE ORIGINAL?

Yes and no.  There were many repeats and homages to the fans’ favorite jokes and/or scenes.  I’ll let you watch and pick them out on your own.

Plot wise, there is a lot of similarity.  Scientists create inventions to catch ghosts. Because they are breaking new ground, they make mistakes along the way. The public can’t comprehend the existence of ghosts so they think the Ghostbusters are charlatans. They butt heads with the Mayor and the government. Oh, and Slimer.

The ghosts look great with modern CGI/special effects but again, something about seeing all that in 1984 when it was new made it more awesome.

But – there was a lot of effort to redevelop the plot.  Without getting too spoilery, the villain, Rowan, is a big nerd who wants to get back at the world for all the bullying he went through by unleashing ghosts upon the world.

Most of the original cast members have fun cameos.  Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Ernie Hudson, Sigourney Weaver and Annie Potts stop by, not as their original characters but as random folks the new Ghostbusters meet along the way.

Sadly, Rick Moranis didn’t stop by though that would have been cool.  Even sadder, Harold Ramis is no longer able to stop by but there was a touching nod to him.

AM I A HORRIBLE ANTI-FEMALE PIECE OF SHIT IF I DIDN’T LIKE THE MOVIE?

I don’t think so.  You may have not liked it for any number of non-female hating reasons. Maybe you think Hollywood is filled with hacks who can’t come up with original ideas anymore. Maybe you loved the original so much you think it was blasphemous to create a new one (newsflash – the original one is still available and you can watch it anytime!)

You might even argue that as fans, we have long waited for the Ghostbusters to do something new. Yes, this is new but I mean new as in, don’t save New York again but perhaps delve into the myriad of possible threats that a team of ghost investigators might face.

In fact, given that three out of the four original Ghostbusters are alive and in relatively good condition given their age, one wonders if, in the right hands, a movie where we see what the old Ghostbusters have been up to for the past thirty years before they pass the baton to a new team might have been possible. Then again, I have to remind myself that would have only been interesting to anyone under 35 years old.  Sorry over 35 crowd, but Hollywood just considers you a waste of space.

I liked it.  I didn’t LOVE it. It isn’t something I’ll want to rewatch over and over.  But as summer movies go, it did satisfy the prerequisites – i.e. I got to escape my problems for two hours and I had a good time.

BUT IF I DIDN’T LIKE THE MOVIE, IS IT DUMB TO SAY THINGS LIKE “OH MY GOD THIS RUINED MY LIFE” OR WHATEVER?

Yes. It’s just a movie.

WAS THERE SOMETHING AS AN ASPIRING SELF-PUBLISHER THAT YOU’D LIKE TO POINT OUT?

Yes. Abby (McCarthy) and Erin (Wiig) begin the film as estranged friends who once co-wrote a book about the existence of ghosts.

Years later after going their separate ways (Abby wanted to keep chasing ghosts while Erin wanted to pursue a career as a serious professor), Erin’s efforts to secure a tenured physics professor position become threatened when Abby puts their ghost book up for sale on Amazon, so she seeks out Abby to demand that she take the book down.

Self-publishing made it into a Ghostbusters movie!

WHAT STATUS DO YOU GIVE IT?

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  And due to the CGI ghosts, worth seeing on the big screen.

Tagged , , , , ,
Jun 25 2016
12 Comments
Movies

Movie Review: Independence Day: Resurgence

From the far reaches of space, aliens travel to Earth…

…to remind me that I am now old as f%&kT and have accomplished very little in 20 years.

Although in my defense, neither has the world! So there’s that.

SPOILERS abound.

BQB here with a review of Independence Day: Resurgence.

The year was 1996.

Bill Clinton was in the White House, chasing interns around the Oval Office with his pants around his ankles and turning Monica Lewinsky into a human humidor (Google it, millennials. It’s too disgusting to go into further detail.)

The Beastie Boys were laying down some of their ill-est shit.

The sentence “Bill Cosby gave that lady his pudding pop” could only have been construed as “that nice comedic father figure was kind enough to give a woman the delicious frozen snack treat that he endorses.”

The Internet was in its infancy.  It was a cute toy but other than that no one saw a glaring need to pay a fee to tie up your phone line while your computer screeched at you.

People who took pictures of their lunch and then demanded that you a) look at the pictures of their lunch and b) make comments about their lunch were considered assholes.

Technically, those people didn’t even exist, or if they did, not in high numbers. Again, the Internet was in its infancy.  If you wanted your own website you needed coding knowledge and technical know-how.  It was just too much work to post pictures of your lunch.

And at the box office was a movie called Independence Day.

Yes, in a pure marketing move, it was released on July 4th. Independence Day.

Those aliens know how to screw up a barbecue.

In the original, aliens invade Earth.  In a far flung story line, various groups and people react to the alien attack.

To the best of my recollection, you had Bill Pullman as the president, who was also a fighter pilot, for no other reason really than he got to make inspiring speeches and then fly around in a fighter jet and shoot at alien spaceships.

Oh and there was Randy Quaid as a guy who appeared to be a drunk jackass who was crazy for believing he’d been abducted by aliens as a kid only to be vindicated.  Humorous. Also, he was, coincidentally, a pilot as well so he too enjoyed the alien shooting fun.

Of course, the big star was Will Smith as Capt. Hiller, the pilot/hero who saves the day.

(SPOILER ALERT – he and Jeff Goldblum fly a stolen alien fighter craft into the mothership, fooling the aliens just long enough for them to upload a virus with the help of a 90’s era Mac and a floppy disk.)

Seemed ingenious at the time.

Twenty years have now passed.

Holy f%&king butt nuggets.  Twenty years.

3.5 readers, here’s my first criticism of this highly unnecessary sequel.

It made me think too much about my life – how quickly the past two decades went by. Mistakes made. Things I could have done differently.

How is it possible that I went from a wide-eyed young lad thinking this new fangled CGI movie was pretty cool (CGI effects were fairly new to the movie scene in those days so as a movie goer, they were a treat. I feel bad for you millennials as you have nothing to look forward to now, unless virtual reality actually ends up being as big as they claim it will be).

Where was I? Ah yes. How did I go from that young kid wowed by CGI to a jaded adult who has now seen so much CGI that it just doesn’t have them same wow factor that it did when it was new?

Shit. Then there’s me in general. Twenty years ago I thought by now I’d be a really amazing, fabulous person.

Had you told me back then that in 20 years my greatest achievement would be starting a blog with 3.5 readers my response would be a) “What’s a blog?” and then b) “Oh, it’s a website that any asshole with $10 and rudimentary typing skills can start? Excuse me while I GO STICK MY HEAD IN THE MOVIE THEATER RESTROOM TOILET AND FLUSH IT UNTIL I DROWN TO SPARE MYSELF THIS INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTING FUTURE!!!”

Nah. I wouldn’t have done that. I’d have just vowed that I’d work harder and make a difference. You millennials weren’t the first generation to view yourselves as special snowflakes.

At any rate, I spent most of this movie paying little attention to the action on screen. Instead, I went over the multitude of mistakes I made, opportunities missed, warning signs avoided, paths not taken and so on that led me to a point where the highlight of my day is writing a review of a highly unnecessary sequel to a movie that was dumb twenty years ago.

Even worse, so little has changed in the world since then when you think about it:

  • A Bush had recently been president before Clinton became president.
  • Since then, another Bush became president. Then a third Bush recently tried to become president. Also, another Clinton wants to be president. At least if the Clintons end up back in the White House, the interns will have a head start this time. Bill isn’t looking as spry as he used to be.
  • Trump’s hair defied gravity and laws of physics, back in the 1990s and today.
  • Cars don’t fly yet. We have yet to meet real space aliens. Oh, and the Simpsons are still on the air.

And yet, despite all of these similarities, there were some differences between then and now that made the original film more enjoyable…then.

Specifically:

  • I was young and more willing to suspend disbelief. (Bill Pullman as a President/Alien Fighter seemed perfectly plausible.)
  • Seeing landmarks getting blown up by aliens seemed like harmless fantasy drivel back in the day.  As I recall, the aliens in the original film blow up the White House so as to illustrate to you, the viewer that they were evil ass aliens who meant business and were not to be f%&ked with.  Since 9/11, such scenes just seems to hit too close to home.
  • And like I said before, CGI was in its early stages, so it was awesome to see. Then George Lucas came along and made those cartoonish Star Wars prequels.

OK. Shit. 1,000 words in, let’s talk about the sequel itself.

It’s twenty years later and the world has become a Utopia. A casino magnate with gravity defying hair and the lady who ran the country in the 90’s by shoving her hand up her husband’s ass and working his mouth like a puppet (oh come on, you know she did) aren’t vying for control of the Free World.

Rather, the entire world is free and humanity works together as humans have set aside their differences in order to keep a watchful eye out for future alien invasions.

Alien tech has been used to create all sorts of wonderful inventions that improve life and make people happy.

And then, you know, aliens invade again. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, some people do some shit over here, some other people do some shit over there, cut in some scenes of shit getting blown up around the world, and so on.

There are new cast members like Liam Hemsworth, but mostly the film consists of the actors from the original who never did anything better than this bullshit.

Thus, Jeff Goldblum is back, as is Judd Hirsch as his father.  Bill Pullman is back though I wish he wasn’t because I feel like it was just yesterday that I saw him in Spaceballs as Lone Star and now he’s old as f%&k.

And in general, that’s my main complaint.  Will Smith didn’t return, I assume, because the studio didn’t want to shell out the cash now that he’s a big box office draw (you might remember the original Independence Day plus Men in Black made Will a celebrity icon.)

So Will is nowhere to be found.  But everyone without anything better to do is back, and they are all old as shit, which makes me feel old as shit.

I literally think this movie was made for the sole purpose of making me feel old as shit.

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 1 – Should we make a sequel to Independence Day?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 2 – Yes! It will make BQB feel old as shit!

There are many references to the original, shit that you probably wouldn’t get unless you saw the first one (and also if you’re a nerd like me who has seen it a few more times over the years so you remember what happened.)

The aliens are still slapping Bill Pullman’s face up against the glass and speaking through him as if he’s their puppet (I assume they got the idea by watching Hillary work Bill).

Jeff and Judd are still the unlikely father/son hero duo, except Judd’s still alive which is surprising as I thought he was old as shit twenty years ago.

Eat your Wheaties kids and you too can aspire to Judd Hirsch’s longevity!

Robert Loggia has a quick cameo though I think it might have been a CGI Loggia.  Someone tell me if you have the details on that one.

Oh and Brent Spiner (aka Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation) is back as the eccentric Dr. Brakish Okun.

The plot is basically the same bullshit about aliens invading and their invasion happens to be coincidentally timed on Independence Day so Americans can feel very patriotic while watching a movie about Americans defeating aliens on the same day that the British were told to go pound sand.

Although, I have to point out, some Hollywood suit must have decided this sequel didn’t have the gusto to put butts in seats on the Fourth of July, seeing as how it was released in June.

You’ll know this franchise has hit the wall when they release an Independence Day sequel that hits theaters in January.

Oh and FYI – there will be another sequel.  It will also be unnecessary and serve as little more than a reminder that 20 years have passed, your life sucks more than you thought it would and the world doesn’t even have flying cars.

Shit. Stop remaking 90s shit, Hollywood.

Next you’ll tell me there’s a Mallrats TV show in the works.

Wait? What?

STATUS: Semi-shelf worthy. The effects are worth a trip to the theater. Otherwise, if you miss it, you didn’t miss much.

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
May 20 2016
2 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Are We Alone in the Universe?

Good morning 3.5 readers.

Are we alone in the universe, or does alien life exist?

I think it does. It has to. Space is so ridiculously enormous.

The problem is that space travel is filled with so many problems that it isn’t as easy as just hopping in a space ship and traveling around the universe the way they do it in the movies.

Interstellar was probably the most realistic attempt at portraying deep space travel that we have seen in a movie.

It takes too long. Time occurs differently and so on.

But I think space is so vast and there are so many planets that there has to be intelligent life out there.

It is possible that those aliens are douches that would take us over.

In fact, the Mighty Potentate has declared he will take over Earth if I don’t get my novel written.

And Alien Jones is also real so I suppose he’d be offended by the suggestion that he isn’t.

But I think what’s more likely is that there are aliens like us – beings that do mundane, trivial things.

There are probably aliens that have television shows, movies, they go to work and live boring average lives.  Some of them may even be nerd aliens who write blogs for 3.5 alien readers.

There would be cultural differences. We’d have things they’d never heard of.  They’d have stuff we’ve never heard of. But on the whole, we’d probably have a lot in common.

Battlestar Galactica was an attempt to portray this.  Humans lived on (was it twelve?) planets and they had lives similar to ours…but they also had inventions, ideas and customs that were different.

Are aliens (besides AJ and MP, who are a given)  out there?  If they are, do we want to meet them?

Tagged , , , , , ,
Apr 17 2016
1 Comment
Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 79

shutterstock_320226569

Standing Eagle and a dozen of his warriors galloped their horses to the top of a hill overlooking the valley that contained Highwater below.  Wandering Snake trained his spy glass on the smoke signals as they rose into the air.

The tribe’s shaman translated the signals out loud.  “Attention…Injuns…”

The Chief slapped his forehead.  “Oh spirits give me strength.  They’re even racist in code.”

“White men…in heap big trouble…”

“There,” Standing Eagle said. “Right there.  That is a vicious stereotype.  None of us use the word ‘heap’ to describe anything.”

Screeching Owl, one of the tribe’s younger warriors, rode his steed up to the group and peered at the puffs of smoke rising above the town.

“Sorry I am late,” Owl said. “Wow.  That’s a heap many smoke clouds.”

Eagle looked to Snake, who shrugged his shoulders.  “Oh fine. So one of us uses the word ‘heap’ in place of ‘many’ or ‘very’ and to the white man that means we all do it.  I swear the white man judges every other group based solely on its dumbest member.  Owl!”

Owl turned his gaze to the Chief.  “Chief?”

“Stop saying ‘heap!’”

Owl nodded. “I’m heap sorr…I’m very sorry.”

Snake continued the translation.  “Monsters have…overrun…town.  Soon will…take over…country.  Please…send help…so we can defeat…leader of monsters.”

“Give me that,” Eagle said as he grabbed Snake’s spy glass and trained it about the town.  Wherever he looked, he saw buildings on fire, half-eaten bodies in the streets, and dead men traipsing about.

“What in the…Snake!”

“Chief?”

“What’s going on down there?” Eagle asked.

The shaman lit up a stick that was doused with sweet smelling incense, the aroma of which he believed would ward off evil.

“The spirits are angry.”

Eagle kept using the spy glass to take in different views of the carnage until he spotted old man Knox and his boys standing on the back of a flipped over cart, shooting every last bullet they had at a throng of zombies until they were torn apart, severed limbs being tossed everywhere.

“The white men need help,” Eagle said as he handed the spy glass back to the shaman.

Like his namesake, Charging Bobcat was lean and wiry.  His hair was styled in a mohawk, with tattoos inked along the shorn sides of his head.  A feather dangled from his ear.

“Let the white men die, Eagle,” Bobcat said.  “This is likely their doing.  Some sort of experiment they did to ‘improve’ over Mother Nature’s wishes coming back to bite them…literally.”

“Right,” Eagle said.  “Start a fire and send them my response.  ‘Dear White Men.  So sorry that another group just showed up one day and started taking all of your shit even though you all had clearly been there for awhile.  We have no idea what that’s like…”

Snake shook his head.

“What?” Eagle asked.  “Too much sarcasm?”

The shaman peered once more at the town through his telescope.  “Spirits would say that the evil of others is no excuse for you to commit evil.  Those in need must be helped by those who can.”

“Damn it, Snake,” Eagle said.

“Eagle!!!”

The Chief turned his attention to his scout, Crafty Fox, who was quickly galloping in from the south side of the mountain, flanked on either side by two more scouts.

There was a look of terror on Fox’s face.

“Come quickly!”

Eagle and his braves followed the scouts to the South side of the mountain.  Though they were all battle tested fighters, the warriors’ mouths gaped in awe at the sight that unfolded before their eyes.

Lines of werewolves marched in formation from the West, snapping whips across the backs of the zombies ahead of them, herding them toward Highwater.  It was a massive army, thousands in total.

Eagle was calm and resolute in his orders.  “All of you.  Return to the village.  Gather the women, children and the elderly and seek refuge with our friends in the south.”

“And what of you?”  Bobcat asked.

“I will do what I always do,” the Chief said.  “I will stand.”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
Apr 17 2016
5 Comments
Ask the Alien

Alien Jones Checks In

Greetings Earth Losers.

aj.jpg

The Esteemed Brainy One plays Candy Crush on his Space Phone

The Esteemed Brainy One here, blogging from Kemphos 91, where an uprising has occurred due to a lack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Yes, that’s right. You’d be surprised in the vastness of space, that such seemingly trivial things are capable of generating interplanetary conflicts but here we are.

Keep in mind that the Kemphans require a constant supply of peanuts or else they break out into spontaneous song and dance numbers, which sounds like fun, but then they do it for days until finally their heads explode.

I’ve seen it happen. It isn’t pretty. It’s like being front row at a Gallagher performance.

Kemphos 1-90 really needs to fork over some of their peanut reserves to 91 but until then, I have to do my best to keep the peace.

Apologies for not writing more this year, Earth losers, but I just haven’t had the time. Disorder has been breaking out all over the cosmos this year. It’s very unsavory.

In the meantime, please assist me with my mission to launch BQB’s writing career. The sooner BQB is an established writer, the sooner the Mighty Potentate will get off my back.

Did I say get off my back? I meant to say until the Mighty Potenate can be pleased by another one of his genius plans coming to fruition.

All hail the Mighty Potentate.

Here’s where you can find Bookshelf Q. Battler on the inter webs.

LIKE BQB ON FACEBOOK

FOLLOW BQB ON TWITTER 

PUT BQB IN YOUR GOOGLE PLUS CIRCLES, BECAUSE YES, GOOGLE PLUS IS STILL A THING. I KNOW, RIGHT? WHO KNEW?

AND READ BQB’S STORIES ON WATTPAD – HE IS @bookshelfbattle

Humans, I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but your likes and follows will help keep the Mighty Potentate’s plans to conquer the Earth at bay.

Technically, I’m not allowed to criticize the Mighty Potentate, but let’s just say that he literally solves all political problems by vaporizing his opponents.

Not exactly a boon for democracy, but it does make for fun prime time debate viewing.

Thank you 3.5 Earth losers.  I’ll be back sometime this summer to answer your questions, so keep them coming.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
Apr 10 2016
18 Comments
Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 70

shutterstock_320226569

“An immunity,” Doc said.  “Lad, as we speak, there are renowned scientists who are studying the concept that exposure of the body to minute doses of a disease could, in fact, build up the body’s defenses against said disease.”

“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” Miss Bonnie said.

“It does sound stupid Doc,” Gunther said.  “Get yourself sick to keep from getting sick?”

“A bold gambit to be sure but one that is espoused by the likes of Mr. Louis Pasteur,” Doc said.

“Who?”  Miss Bonnie asked.

“That shit head that told everyone they got to boil their milk,” Gunther replied.

“Oh,” Miss Bonnie said. “Fuck him there aint nothing wrong with milk.”

Doc erupted into a long coughing spell.  His throat settled down and he kept on.

“Imagine your body is a bare knuckle boxer and the disease an opponent,” Gunther said.  “Would a boxer not fair better against an opponent it has briefly fought before?  Said boxer would learn all of its opponent’s strengths and weaknesses and be better prepared for a full bout, would he not?”

Slade chomped on his cigar.  “But the opponent might just knock you the hell out in the first go around.”

“Possibly,” Doc said. “But unlikely if the match were short.”

Gunther looked at the spilled elixir coating the floor.

“Shit Doc,” Gunther said. “You’ve been guzzling this shit for as long as I’ve known you.  Short match my ass.”

Gunther pointed at Townsend.  “And if one bite was all took to turn this prick then I’m surprised you’re not a zombie already.”

“Ah,” Doc said as he slowly raised a finger, as if the small gesture was a great task in his weakened condition. “But as young Miles has indicated there are supernatural aspects at play.  I have never been one to espouse that science and religion are diametrically opposed forces but rather, science can be turned to for an explanation of what religion cannot enlighten us on and vice versa.”

Miles nodded.  “Vampires have been known to trick people into drinking their blood,” the boys said.  “Drinking it doesn’t kill a person and the soul fights the vampire’s will for as long as the person lives.  The person who drank it unwittingly would never even know what happened unless someone tells him.”

Doc stroked his beard.  “I would have to study samples of vampire blood in a laboratory to be certain, but I theorize that while ingesting vampire’s blood into one’s stomach causes no physical harm to the subject until the obvious post mortem zombification, the injection of this supernatural contagion directly into the bloodstream via a zombie bite is such a shock to the system that it instantly kills the victim and subsequently zombifies them.”

Gunther, Slade and Miss Bonnie exchanged confused looks.

“Translation?” Gunther asked.

“Don’t let a zombie bite you,” Miles said.

“Yes,” Doc said.  “Oh how I admire the ability of youth to put matters more succinctly than a man as learned as I.  At any rate, I have been a regular consumer of the vampire blood infused elixir for many weeks now, since the day I formed my lamentable partnership with Mr. Blythe.  Ergo, so much vampire’s blood now courses through my veins that it kept Mr. Townsend’s bite from instantly killing me but…”

Annabelle pouted.  Doc looked away from her.

“The more concentrated form of the contagion delivered into my system during my ill fated counter with Frank Buchanan’s tooth is slowly working against me” Doc said.  “Slowed by the copious amounts of vampire’s blood in my body yet in due course, I shall eventually become an undead man.”

The group stood around Doc quietly.  Miss Bonnie raised her barrel.  Gunther pushed it down again.

“Am I going to have to take that away from you?” Gunther asked.

“He just said he’s going to become a zombie!” Miss Bonnie said.

Anabelle knelt down and hugged Doc, who grimaced in pain at the contact.  “He’s not a zombie yet.”

The prostitute gently held Doc’s head in her hands.  “I don’t know how but we’re going to fix this.”

“My dear…”

“No,” Anabelle said.  “As long as you’re alive and not a zombie, there’s still hope.  Isn’t there?”

Doc’s eyes pointed downward.

“Well,” Annabelle said.  “Isn’t there?”

“In theory,” Doc said.

“I’ll take it,” Annabelle replied.

“So what?” Miss Bonnie asked.  “We just wait until he turns and bites one of us?”

“Damn it, Miss Bonnie,” Gunther said.  “In my entire life I have never left a man behind when he needed me and I’m not going to start now.”

Miss Bonnie looked at Slade, who, in his mind, went to work coming with the most diplomatic answer he could come up with.

“He’s still alive,” Slade said.  The ex-marshall looked at Miles.  “Anyone ever come back from becoming one of these things?”

“Not that I’ve ever heard of,” Miles replied.

Doc shifted back in his chair and looked up at Annabelle.

“Oh my dear,” Doc said.  “How I wish I had known you longer but alas, the curtain most close early on the show of my life, the best act of which was certainly the day I met you.  Miss Lassiter is correct and she should be allowed to dispatch me posthaste.  Until she does, I am a threat to everyone in this room.”

Anabelle wept.  “Doc…no.”

Gunther put a hand on Doc’s shoulder.  “Is that what you really want, Doc?”

“It is my good man.”

Gunther shook his head and walked back next to Slade.  Annabelle kissed Doc and looked him in the eyes.

“Please…” she begged.

“It is for the best, my dear,” Doc said.  “We will always have that thing.”

Anabelle gave her man one final kiss then backed away.

“Do you wish me to read you your last rites, son?” the Reverend asked.

“No,” Doc replied.  “I’d prefer to have the matter over with.”  Doc looked at Miss Bonnie and closed his eyes.  “Fire at will, Miss Lassiter.”

Slade put his hand down on Miss Bonnie’s barrel this time.  “Maybe I should do it,” Slade said.  “Killing a man is a hell of a thing.  It’ll haunt you forever, whether it was justified or not.”

“I got it,” Miss Bonnie replied, coldly.

Miss Bonnie raised her weapon and took aim at Doc’s head.  Everyone watched as she maintained her line of sight until finally, she put her shotgun down.

“Son of a bitch,” Miss Bonnie said.  “I can’t do it with him all alive and dopey looking and everything.”

Doc opened his eyes.  He flicked his right wrist and his spring loaded gun popped out from underneath his sleeve.

“You are a kinder woman than I presumed, Miss Lassiter,” Doc said.  “And I can see now it was selfish of me to ask one of you to commit this heinous deed.”

Slowly, Doc rose up out of the chair and onto his feet, his body shaking and struggling to hold up his own weight.

“Adieu, my friends,” Doc said.  His arm trembled as brought the pistol to his temple.  “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”

Before Doc even pulled the trigger, he crashed face first into the floor.

Gunther, Slade and Anabelle all crouched around him.

“What the hell was that?” Gunther asked.

“I think he’s still breathing,” Annabelle said.

Thump.  Thump.  Thump.  Multiple fists pounded on the church door.  The sound of hungry growls poured in through the broken window.

Miss Bonnie pointed her shotgun at the door.  “We’ve got bigger problems.”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
Apr 07 2016
6 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist

shutterstock_272168333

“Hey baby, wanna crinkle my foil?”

He seemed like such a sweet guy when you met him.  Alas, it wasn’t until after you fell for him that he started checking your purse for radio transmitters.

Ladies, is your man living in constant fear of “The Man?”

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Conspiracy Theorist:

10.  He owns a vast selection of tin foil hats, which he maintains prevent the government and/or aliens from reading his mind.  You’re not able to stop him from wearing his tin foil baseball cap out in public, but he’s not unreasonable.  He has agreed to stop wearing it backwards once he turns thirty.

9.  It isn’t easy to take him to a dinner party.  Your friends want to talk about movies, music and gossip.  He wants to talk about how Hitler and Bigfoot worked together on the JFK assassination and that this would be common knowledge were it not for the fact that the news media is controlled by a race of worm people disguised as human journalists.

8.  You can’t park your car in the garage.  He has it filled with a set made up to look like the Moon in an effort to prove that the Moon landing was a fake.

7.  Never takes you anywhere nice anymore.  Too busy writing a blog filled with nonsense for the benefit of 3.5 readers.  (I know what you are thinking but BQB is not a conspiracy theorist.  His tales about aliens, yetis and the zombie attack on East Randomtown are entirely true.)

6.  Once in awhile he pokes you in the shoulder for no reason other than to make sure you aren’t a hologram.  The Man, as he will explain, has been known to infiltrate the operations of those who are onto him by enlisting the aid of hologram girlfriends.

5.  Never goes to the doctor.  Convinced all doctors are trying to put a spy camera in his butt.

4.  All dates need to start an hour early so he can sweep your car for bugs, listening devices, and crumbs.  The first two are signs of lunacy.  The last one?  Well, that’s really your fault, you slob.  Stop eating donuts in the car.

3.  You’d ask him how his day was, but it is getting harder and harder not to dump him every time he swears that he is “so close” to proving that Elvis didn’t die but rather left to rule over a benevolent race of half-man/half-lizards who will one day land on Earth and show us the path toward inner peace.  So, you know, he’s not all doom and gloom.

2.  Bonus:  It’s easy to get him to do chores around the house.  Just point out to him that the government might think something is up if they see him just lying around doing nothing and that he’d better start taking out the trash and washing some windows to trick the Feds into thinking everything’s hunky dory.

  1.  Saves your toe nail clippings in the hopes of cloning you when the aliens take you away to toil in their intergalactic mines.  Is this psychotic or sweet?  You be the judge.  They’re your toe nail clippings, after all.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Mar 21 2016
6 Comments
Movies

Movie Review – 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

A woman is either John Goodman’s guest or hostage.

That’s pretty much it.

End of review.

Crap.  That’s only 16 words?

Let’s talk some more then.  BQB here with a review of 10 Cloverfield Lane.

SPOILER WARNING!

So here’s the deal, 3.5 readers.

Our tale begins with Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) getting into a car accident.  When she wakes up, she’s locked away in an underground bunker.

Her host or captor as the case may be is Howard (John Goodman.)  He informs her that while she was knocked out, a  major attack occurred up above.  It might have been nuclear or chemical, he isn’t sure, but he’s sure that the world above ground is no longer habitable and she needs to stay in the bunker with him.  She’s informed that if she tries to leave the bunker, she’ll let in poison gas that will kill everyone.

OK.  Show of hands, ladies.  How many men have tried the old “the world above ground is uninhabitable due to a chemical weapons attack and you have to stay in this bunker with me until it is safe” trick?  Happens to you like every Saturday night, right?

Yup.  I understand.  It isn’t easy being a woman.

Ah, but here’s the rub.  Howard might be telling the truth.

Thus, the major question of the movie unfolds.  Is Howard a psychotic wack job who built a bunker to hold people captive in, or is he an eccentric conspiracy theorist/doomsday prepper whose crazy desire to build a fallout shelter of his very own paid off when an attack actually happened?

In other words, is he Michelle’s captor or savior?

To add to the confusion, there’s another inhabitant.  Emmett (John Gallagher) is about Michelle’s age.  He’s convinced Howard’s right and there was an attack, but he’s also dumb and gullible so that doesn’t help much when it comes to answering the question.

On top of all that, there are other strange doings afoot, but I don’t want to ruin it for you anymore than I already have.

I loved this movie and I highly recommend it.  It is definitely something for aspiring writers to check out.  It has a Hitchcockian ability to keep the audience on the edge of their seats and J.J. Abrams produced it so you know it’s good.

The writers of this film toss out breadcrumbs and red herrings throughout.  As the movie unfolds clues to support the “this is just a trick to hold people hostage” theory as well as “he’s right and there really was an attack” theory are presented, leaving the viewer to wonder what the hell is going on until the very end.

It’s definitely a “less is more” film.  Most of it takes place inside the bunker itself.

Go see it.  John Goodman’s best work.  Our favorite big guy is getting up there in age, so if the Academy wanted to toss him an award for this, it is a worthy performance.

But they probably won’t because he’s fat and you know…#OscarsSoPretty.

NOTE:  This is not a sequel to the 2008 film Cloverfield.  Remember that movie?  It was one of those “people run away from a monster while taping shaky amateur footage because the Blair Witch Project did it successfully in the late 1990s so everyone else wanted to see if they could recreate it” movies.

I thought it was a sequel myself when the trailer came out.  Mary Elizabeth looks a little bit like one of the actresses in that film (Lizzy Caplan) so maybe that’s why.

And I foresee this could be Mary Elizabeth’s breakout film.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
Mar 19 2016
2 Comments
Movies, Zombie Western

Dead 7 – Sy Fy’s Zombie Western

Son of a bitch.

Sorry.  Pardon my language.

Sy Fy has a zombie western in which the Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees play cowboys fighting zombies.

Though I have to be missing something as I’m pretty sure one of them is wearing a backwards hat and I’m certain there’s a Jeep in there.

I don’t have to give up on my Zombie Western though right?  Attorney Donnelly is at work as we speak on a press release about how mine is much more awesome-er.

Nah.  I don’t know.  There are a few self published zombie westerns floating around out there already.

It’s just a little discouraging sometimes.  You think you’re original and then you realize there’s so much entertainment out there it is virtually impossible to be original.

Wait a minute…he is wearing a backwards baseball hat!  WTF?!

 

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,
Mar 18 2016
Leave a comment
You Can't Argue with Science

You Can’t Argue with Science – Should BQB Forgive Dr. Hugo Von Science?

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Illustrious Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University

NOTE:  Last October, Dr. Hugo Von Science, BQB’s former mentor, esteemed professor and Bookshelf Battle columnist, startled the world when he caused a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown.

As you 3.5 readers may recall, this led to a month long  romp in which BQB had to interview a different author of zombie fiction every day for thirty one days.

Here now is Dr. Hugo’s apology:

 

shutterstock_141238783-2

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here after a long hiatus mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science!”

You really can’t, can you, mein leibchen?  Have you ever tried to carry on a heated debate with a spore mold sample?  Nothing happens whatsoever.  It’s infuriating how spore mold samples give you the cold shoulder.  Bunch of dummpkoffs if you ask me.

Perhaps you remember me from of mein fine inventions:

  • The Kanye-fizer – Don’t have the courage to stand up and declare yourself the greatest?  One zap from mein Kanye-fizer and you vill be snatching awards from your coworkers in no time.
  • The Swift-i-fier – Tired of being das boring wallflower?  One zap and everyone vill be thinking about you 24/7 though when asked to vocalize a reason as to why no one vill be able to come up with a reason.  I’m a scientist, not a miracle worker.
  • The Minajanator – Baffle your friends by keeping them on their toes.  One second you’re kind und sweet, the next you’re screaming bloody murder.  Fun at parties!

And finally, who could forget…

  • Das Discofier – All world leaders must bow down before me or the masses vill be grabbing their crotches and pointing rapidly into the air until the end of time!  Muah ha…muah ha ha….MUAH HA HA!  Woopsie.  That one isn’t quite perfected yet.  Forget you heard about that one.

Good to see you again, Herr. 3.5 readers.  As you can imagine, Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have been on the outs ever since the little kerfuffle in East Randomtown last October.

Gadzooks, “accidentally” cause one little zombie outbreak and all of a sudden you’re persona non grata.

I don’t know what BQB’s problem is.  Das people of the world have forgiven me.  POTUS has pardoned me.  The Advanced Science Institute of Science University welcomed me back.  Even Hollywood admitted that all of those reality stars I zombified were easily replaceable.  Buses full of jerk faces willing to debase themselves on camera arrive in Tinsel Town every hour on the hour.

As for East Randomtown…vell, yes it now looks like it was torn apart by zombies but in my defense, that town was so full of losers that it looked like it was torn apart by zombies even before it was torn apart by zombies.  If anything, the zombie attack was an improvement.

Did I mean to cause a zombie attack?  No.  Not at all.  Sometimes in science, inventions fail.  Sometimes contraptions do not work out as planned.  Sometimes you accidentally end up causing a zombie outbreak that causes thousands of people to die terrible deaths at the hands of brain devouring undead abominations.

Everyone has forgiven me but you, BQB.  I hope you can find it in your heart to do so someday.  This idea you’ve concocted in your head that I’m an evil mad scientist trying to take over the world is ridiculous.  I have always been and continue to be the world’s most beloved science ambassador, the one and only Dr. Hugo Von Science.

WHAT SAY YOU, 3.5 READERS?  SHOULD BQB FORGIVE DR. HUGO?

JA – Shit happens.  Anyone could have just as easily caused a zombie apocalypse and just look at that guy.  He’s so kooky and lovable.  If anything, BQB should thank him because it led to him interviewing #31ZombieAuthors.

NEIN – He caused a damn zombie apocalypse on purpose!  I don’t care how awesome he is, he is clearly a mad scientist who is attempting to take over the world in his spare time.  This whole “I’m a nice man who teaches people about science” stuff is just a rouse.

DISCUSS IN THE COMMENTS!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
← Older posts
Newer posts →