Tag Archives: technology

Dec 27 2015
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Technology

Tech Review – Parrot Bebop Drone (2015)

Hey 3.5 Readers,

BQB here and I’ve upped my nerd cred. I’m now the official owner of a Parrot Bebop Drone:

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THE PROS:

  • When I ordered this, my first reaction was, “You are wasting your money. It’s not going to work. It’s going to fly right off into a tree and you’ll be out $500.”
  • But much to my shock, amazement, and delight, this was pretty responsive. It is going to take me awhile to learn the controls, but it does what you ask it to and when you aren’t doing anything with it, it will hover (but not hover away) until you want it to do something.
  • Hey by the way, Video Game Rack Fighter has yet to learn that I spent $500 on this so be cool and don’t tell her if you see her on here. Thanks.  Should be ok. Only 3.5 people read this blog anyway.
  • It still works and I didn’t crash it.
  • This is a piece of tech that makes me feel “the future is here.” Toy helicopters have existed forever.  You push a button.  It goes zip! up in the air then crashes.  You’re out whatever you spent on it. But this thing actually works.
  • I actually think this could be the start of a new hobby that gets my butt outdoors, breathing in the fresh air and so on.

THE CONS:

  • Low Battery Charge – The battery takes an hour to charge but only comes with approximately 11 minutes of flying time. To Parrot’s credit, they do include 2 batteries, so if you go out with both fully charged, you can get your drone on for about 22 minutes.
  • Unfortunately, that means that you aren’t going to be running off for a day trip to the beach, the field, your favorite outdoor quiet spot and get your drone on all day.
  • In terms of engineering, I do get it. Some nerd somewhere concluded that in order for this thing to fly and fly well it can only carry X sized battery capable of producing Y amount of flying time. I’d need Dr. Hugo to explain it more, but he and I aren’t on speaking terms right now as we had a falling out when he orchestrated a zombie apocalypse in my home town.
  • But I do hope at some point, perhaps if these things become more popular, they’ll come up with a drone with extra battery life.
  • Although part of me wonders if the low battery life is a security measure?  It’s ok if you take it for a spin in your backyard, but we don’t want you doing odd, scary things with it far away from your humble abode.
  • The hull is made of styrofoam. That seams cheap to me. I suppose there could be an engineering reason. Perhaps that keeps it lighter. Still, I wonder if there was a lighter yet sturdier substance. No one likes paying $500 for something that is partially styrofoam.  I understand that could just be the best possible design available for an emerging technology in the $500 price range.
  • The $500 price tag.  Is it worth it? Hmm.  That’s up to you.  I decided to treat myself and since so far it is working out, I feel like it’s going to be something I’ll have fun with for awhile.
  • There is a requirement to register it and though common sense should tell you this, be very careful with it. Assume at all times that its going to crash into someone and be vigilant to avoid that.  Keep it away from people.  Don’t assume you’re a hotshot with it and do all kinds of tricks that could injure someone.  Don’t fly it into power lines, or onto other peoples’ property, or onto government CIA alien autopsy black sites or what have you. If you aren’t allowed there, your drone isn’t either. I don’t know.  I could probably go on all day about the things you should not do with it so ultimately keep in mind that these things really are not mere toys and you need to be sure not to injure someone or damage someone’s property.
  • Attorney Donnelly’s Obligatory Disclaimer – Don’t take anything I said as legal advice.  Do your own due diligence and research before purchasing and/or operating a drone.

Thanks for reading, 3.5 readers and when I learn more, I’ll have to start posting some flight photos!

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Dec 27 2015
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Nerd News

BQB is an Official Droner

BQB is an official drone enthusiast. Will update after my first flight. 

 

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Dec 06 2015
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Character Profiles

Character Profile – Dr. Hugo Von Science

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REAL NAME: Dr. Hugo Von Science

FORMER OFFICIAL TITLE: Distinguished Professor of Science, Advanced Science Institute of Science University (Professorship Revoked in 2015)

BIOGRAPHY: Dr. Hugo Von Science was once considered the greatest scientific mind of the modern age.  He has patented over a million inventions,the most noteworthy including:

  • The Incredible Exploding Chinchilla – Dropped from the skies in tiny parachutes, these dangerous rodents are programmed to scurry to their targets and blow them up. No respectable military unit ever enters a war zone without a bag of incredible exploding chinchillas.
  • Teflon Underpants – Save a bundle on your grundle trundle, baby. Stains wipe off easily.  Buy one pair, put them on, and they’ll be the last pair you ever need.  They come in blue, red, black, and chartreuse. Chartreuse teflon underpants are all the rage in the Milan fashion scene.
  • The Duck Cannon and the “Duck, Duck!” Cannon – one device launches a water fowl at a rapid pace and the other blasts a warning that an impending duck is on the way.  Used in tandem by duck launching enthusiasts.

Dr. Hugo became known as “the most trusted name in science” by becoming an ambassador for all things methodical and rational.  He appeared on many talk shows extolling the virtues of a scientific education and was a rock star to young science nerds the world over.

Many youngsters, BQB included, vied for coveted spots in his class at the Advanced Science Institute.

Dr. Hugo speaks with a thick German accent, referring to everyone as “mein leibchen,” a German term of endearment.

No one remembers when it started, but signs of bitterness have been working their way into Dr. Hugo’s personality for years.  Perhaps it was one too many patents being absconded with by cold hearted corporations. Maybe it was one too many research grants being cut by the bean counters.

Whatever it was, Dr. Hugo would often make odd public statements, claiming he was working on inventions that he’d one day use to conquer the world, only to shout, “Woopsie!  I vasn’t supposed to mention that just yet!”

If only Dr. Hugo’s absent minded rantings had been paid more attention to, a zombie apocalypse that devastated East Randomtown might have been avoided.

Enraged that useless reality television stars make more money that scientists do, Dr. Hugo turned a bunch of them into zombies.  His revenge scheme got out of control when zombified celebrities spread the virus all over BQB’s hometown.

Dr. Hugo’s professorship was revoked and from his statue in the quad to the lecture hall that was named after him, the Advanced Science Institute worked overtime to cut all ties to the icon turned mad scientist.

He is currently at large.  Authorities have been unable to capture him as he has been using his invention, the two-jump pogo stick, to launch himself wherever he wants to go in the world within two jumps.

The 3.5 readers are advised that if they see Dr. Hugo, they should not attempt to apprehend him themselves as he is considered armed, dangerous, and known to be smuggling multiple incredible exploding chinchillas in his teflon underpants at all times.

Even on the lamb, he continues, against BQB’s will, to file his column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”

You really can’t, can you?

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Oct 21 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 21 Interview – Al K. Line – Zombie Botnets, Literally!

zombiebotnet

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon      Website

Facebook

My guest today is Al K. Line.

3.5 readers, you might want to log off Twitter for a moment.

Al’s the author of the Zombie Botnet series. The mayhem begins when a devastating computer virus delivers subliminal data packets via social media, turning computer users the world over into murderous creatures.

A resident of rural England, when Al isn’t busy writing, he spends his time with his wife, sons, and dogs, the latter of which he notes he has too many.

Al, welcome.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=AL

51wVI4sSyfL._SX295_BO1,204,203,200_ Q.  You’re the twenty-first zombie author I’ve interviewed this month and I have to admit, I honestly thought I’d of heard it all by now, but people becoming zombies via a computer virus? For the less tech savvy among us, can you explain how this works in your books?

A.  Sure. Ven, the woman behind the “bit of bother,” lets loose a computer virus designed to infect millions of devices and allow her to get up to no good. Unfortunately, it all gets a little out of hand. The virus she unleashes has been compromised and the data packets go viral. An embedded subliminal message in the form of a video basically rewires the brain of anyone that views it and then it’s game over — welcome to zombieville.

Q. How did you come up with this idea?

A. The term zombie botnet is well known within the hacker community, it’s a way of describing a huge array of devices that have been infected and can be manipulated for all manner of nefarious naughtiness. What if the zombie botnet really could do as the name implies? It came from there.

Q. Everywhere I go, people are glued to technology. Phones. Laptops. Tablets. Everyone’s checking Facebook, Twitter, or some other site and usually the latest update is something as trivial as “I just blew my nose.” Do you think we might be zombies already?

A. I love technology, use it daily, and my career relies on it, but yeah, it can get out of hand. It’s the change it has caused to society that I find most interesting, making people slaves to the latest trend or social media platform — let’s face it, if we lose our internet connection for a few minutes we begin to panic, right? This is what the series plays on: our inability to look away. The first thing we do when we hear of a disaster is to check Twitter or Facebook, well, what if those platforms are the very ones causing the problem? People would still look, they can’t help it. It’s too ingrained into the fabric of our techno-reality now to ever go back.

Q. I notice this series is actually considered half-horror/half-comedy. I have to say, the idea of society being hoisted on its own technological petard seems rife with the ability to provide social commentary, not to mention a joke or two.  Personally, I’m so addicted to social media that if all I have to do not to become a zombie is not check Twitter, I’m not sure I could do it. How are you able to combine humor with horror, when the two normally don’t mix well?

A. You gotta see the funny side, right? It’s the whole premise. Yes, there is social commentary, but it isn’t judgmental. We all have our obsessions, our hangups and our needs, and the absurdity of how the infection is caused screams for a bit of a laugh at our own expense. Plus, to be honest I can’t help myself. Characters suddenly appear on the page (I mean computer screen really) and they often happen to be rather comical — there’s no stopping it once the words somehow jump from my brain to the developing book.

Q. Al, your book features people being turned into zombies via subliminal messages. Just now, a real live zombie actually just jumped out of my computer screen. Have you ever heard of such a thing happening in zombie lore and any ideas on how to defeat such a menace?

A. Oh, loads, it happens all the time. The best thing to do is to scream really loud and run really fast — only pausing to update Facebook and check if anyone has posted anything on Twitter that could help in 140 characters or less.

Q. Thanks for the interview, Al. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A. Nope. You’re going be dead any moment. Actually, should I even be answering this? Hello? I knew it, dead already, brains all over the floor. There’s probably some zombie granny chewing on your intestines at this very moment. Oh, don’t forget to follow me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/authoralkline

Yeah, I get the irony.

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Oct 21 2015
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BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 21

Another morning in the computer lab.

Coming Soon - Johnny Gunhands: A Farewell to Hands (hands to be edited out in post-production)

Coming Soon – Johnny Gunhands: A Farewell to Hands (hands to be edited out in post-production)

I paced the floor and slurped on stale coffee while Alien Jones typed the words as they flowed from my cake hole.

“Johnny Gunhands. He’s muscular, rugged, virile, and in his late twenties.”

“ERRRNT! Wrong!” the Esteemed Brainy One replied.

“Wrong?”

“Wrong! How could someone become such a skilled master at taking down criminals without a bit of life experience behind him?”  Alien Jones asked. “Personally, I picture Johnny Gunhands pushing forty.”

“Aww but then the young people won’t read it,” I said. “Everyone under thirty-five is convinced that everyone over thirty five is a bunch of corrupt old farts who’ve sold their souls to the man!”

“What does everyone over thirty-five think about everyone under thirty-five?” AJ asked.

“That all they do is snapchat and take selfies all day.”

“Are these assessments accurate?”

“Surprisingly so on both counts,” I said.

I took another sip of my java. Bleh. It was rank, but my only source of caffeine. It would have to do.

“Fine,” I said. “We’ll compromise. Johnny Gunhands is thirty-two. Old enough to get some respect from gray haired readers. Young enough that the selfie stick crowd won’t think he’s Methuselah. Can I go on?”

“Please.”

“So in the opening scene, we see a butcher’s knife. A random mobster holds it up in the air and a ray of moonlight glistens off of it. It comes down with a WHACK and then the mobster says, ‘That’s what you get for arresting the boss, see?’”

“SHIT!” Alien Jones cried.

“Oh like you could do any better.”

“No,” AJ said as he nursed his hand. “The mouse. It got white hot and…”

Sparks flew out of the monitor. To our amazement, a foot came out of the screen, then another one, then a torso, arms, and a head.

“What the F%$K is that?” I yelled.

“It’s an e-zombie!” AJ replied.

The monster let loose with a terrifying growl and then lunged at me.

I did what any man trained in martial arts could do.

I performed a round house kick to the beast’s head, knocking it clean off.

It rolled to the floor but it was still alive. It grunted and it’s eyes moved around.

I stepped on it, pressing my foot down until I felt the skull crack under my shoe, the damned creature’s brains going kerplooey.

“I’ve heard about a computer virus but this is ridiculous!” I said. “Who knew that e-zombies were even a thing?”

Alien Jones handed me the space phone.

“There’s an author who knows all there is to know about this.”

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Oct 16 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 16 Interview – Saul Tanpepper – Zombified Video Gaming

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon        Website

    Twitter            Facebook

By:  Video Game Rack Fighter, Special Guest Interviewer

Today’s guest on the Bookshelf Battle Blog is Saul Tanpepper, author of the GAMELAND series, a saga set in a world where zombies outfitted with neural implants are controlled by players using video game controllers.

The carnage ensues when a group of computer hackers break into a Long Island turned wasteland and quickly learn there are consequences far beyond the average video game.

Saul, thanks for joining us.

NOTE: BOLD=VGRF; ITALICS=Saul

51TmgJ+nv1L._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_Q.   Zombies turned into video game avatars manipulated by wealthy video game enthusiasts.  Just when I thought the world was out of fresh spins on the zombie apocalypse genre, you come up with one.  How did you do it?

A.   I read Suzanne Collins’s Hunger Games right after it was published and knew that it was going to be a blockbuster and therefore a good literary model to emulate. I’d been thinking about publishing dystopian fiction (not just horror or post-apocalyptic), and since zombies were starting to get hot, and readers were demanding series, I combined the three elements together and came up with the idea for GAMELAND. The original plan was to throw a half dozen young adults into a gaming arcade with the undead for a fight to the finish, but that seemed too much like HG. I made the gaming aspect secondary and went heavier on the post-apocalyptic theme.

Q.  I hope you don’t mind if I reveal on this blog that you are, in fact, Dr. Ken J. Howe, a PhD molecular biologist and former Army medic/trauma specialist. (Don’t worry, this site only has 3.5 readers so your secret is safe.)  Upon learning this about you, several questions come to my mind, the first being, does your experience and training come in handy as a writer and how so?

A.  It’s both helpful and harmful. As a former scientist, I tend to be overly critical about technical accuracy and probabilities, which holds me back from writing anything too outrageous. This applies to the technologies referenced in the GAMELAND series. We already have the capacity to prolong life and it won’t be long before we can reverse cell death. Scientists are also dabbling in neural implantation, so it’s not a great leap to think about implanted zombies. My medical background is a great help when it comes to writing descriptions. Having personally had my hands inside chests, smelled the effects of rotting flesh, assisted with surgeries, I try to relay the physical and emotional impact of those experiences to the reader.

Q.  Last I checked, zombies are just figments of our imagination  (I hope.)  However, as a molecular biologist/former medic, do you have any thoughts on zombie physiology that you could share?  Are there any known theories on how, hypothetically speaking, a human could be turned into a zombie or exhibit zombie-ish tendencies?

A.  There are some aspects of zombie physiology which the lore currently explains poorly. For example, how do they move and moan when they don’t breathe? Why don’t they rot faster? Why do they prefer brains? Why do they go after only the uninfected? GAMELAND attempts to explain some of these discrepancies.

As far as real-life goes, zombies aren’t that much of a leap, at least if we’re simply talking about brain-dead individuals attacking other people. The bath salt incidents of a couple years back, and any number of drug or hypnosis-induced incidents we’ve seen all resemble zombie-like behavior. If the mind can be so easily manipulated by suggestion or chemicals, it’s not hard to imagine an infectious agent producing a chemical to the same effect.

As far as reanimating the dead, that requires a bit more suspension of disbelief or more faith in the paranormal. Cells tend to break down very rapidly, so unless a person has only very recently died, it’s unlikely the body will have much function. My bets for zombies are on the near-dead or recently-deceased.

Q.  How would a real life zombie video game such as the one described in your series work?  Will video games ever evolve to the point where people can be controlled with a joystick?  (And is that necessarily something we’d want?)

A.  Technology already exists to remotely control inanimate objects in virtual reality (think drones, surgery, bomb robots), and game developers have reported early success in being able to manipulate living subjects remotely in the same way as well as with the use of neural stimulation. We are on the cusp of an explosion in VR gaming. Just beyond that horizon is remote controlled live action gaming. I don’t want to say too much about it, because it would seem to make the ideas I developed in GAMELAND appear less groundbreaking, but suffice it to say, I’d be surprised if we aren’t soon forced to ponder the very same moral questions the characters in my books failed to ask themselves when it comes to this subject.

Q.  You’re also the author of The Essential Book Blog: The Complete Bibliophile’s Toolkit for Building, Growing and Monetizing Your On-Line Book-Lover’s Community.  If you had to give Bookshelf Q. Battler one piece of advice on how to improve his blog, what would it be?  (Besides obtain more than 3.5 readers.)

A.   You’re doing all the right things — writing to a specific target audience, keeping the material fresh, engaging your readers, and leveraging other people’s fan bases — so that’s a great foundation for growing your blog. It takes time, as you already know. Having a mailing list helps, as does having something to offer your readers. For example, I offer my subscribers a free starter library and often tell them about deals and giveaways before I tell the general public. I include a lot of tips in TEBB on how you can monetize your efforts to help defray any costs and build income. Even utilizing the easiest of the techniques will quickly pay for the cost of the book.

Q.  Saul, your expertise has been greatly appreciated.  Before I go, do you have any final words of wisdom that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A:  It’s been my pleasure. As far as surviving the Z-poc, my only suggestion is to get yourself a good sturdy toilet plunger (if you’ve read my series, you’ll understand why). That, and a comfortable pair of sneakers. You’ll be doing a lot of running.

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Oct 04 2015
3 Comments
Movie Reviews, Self Publishing

Movie Review – The Martian (2015) (And What It Does For Self-Publishing)

“You do the math. You solve one problem. And then you solve another. And then another. Solve enough and you stay alive.”

– Mark Watney, The Martian

An astronaut trapped on Mars.  A daring rescue mission.  Matt Damon.  Jeff Daniels.  Jessica Chastain.  Kate Mara.  Sean Bean.  Kristen Wiig.  The list of top actors on this movie is too long to keep rattling names off but the biggest star of all?

SCIENCE!

Yes, in an age where people want more explosions, sex, and what the hell, explosive sex, Alien director Ridley Scott made a movie that not only entertains but educates.

Put on your spacesuit, 3.5 readers, and let’s talk about what this movie does not only for science, but for the world of self-publishing.

The Martian – Twentieth Century Fox

OK, first of all, let’s address the proverbial elephant on the sofa, the gorilla in the barcalounger, if you will.

But BQB!  Aren’t you trapped in the middle of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

I sure am, 3.5 readers.  Luckily, I’ve got Alien Jones’ plutonium powered space phone and the Esteemed Brainy One managed to stream it for my group of survivors last night.  It really lifted our spirits, because as you may have heard, we’re currently riding out the zompoc in Price Town, one of the last three stores still open at the nearly abandoned East Randomtown Mall.

HOW BIG WAS THIS MOVIE?

A “friend” of mine sent me an e-mail to let me know that this movie was so big that he’d never seen a line so long at the theater he usually goes to before.  The poor chump ended up stuck in that damn front row spot.  You know, the one where you have to keep your neck craned skywards for two hours and you have to look to the left when a character on the left is talking and a character on the right is talking.

What a jackass.  Guy probably should have taken into account how popular the movie would be and gotten there earlier.

Either that or he could have skipped the popcorn and soda.  God knows that fatty doesn’t need it.

Oh sorry, I shouldn’t speak ill of my friend on my blog.  Good thing only 3.5 people read this.

THE PLOT

A storm causes a team of astronauts to abandon their mission on Mars.  One of their teammates, Mark Watney, is impaled, presumed dead, and abandoned.

Whoops!  He’s still alive, but the the Red Planet is so far away that NASA won’t be able to get help to him any soon.

THE SCIENCE

One of the biggest challenges for a writer is to a) explain to the reader how a character is going to extricate himself from a sticky situation with enough detail so as to not leave the reader feeling cheated and yet b) not go overboard to the point where the reader feels like dozing off.

Enter Andy Weir.  The Martian is based off of Weir’s novel of the same name.

A computer programmer, Weir made all sorts of calculations, estimates, and scientific conclusions on how, in theory, an astronaut trapped on Mars could live long enough to find a way back home.

“I’m going to have to science the shit out of this,”  Damon, as Watney, says.

And science the shit out of it, he does.  Literally.  He uses his own shit as fertilizer for potato plants.  Potatoes then become Mark’s only form of sustenance and I’m willing to bet he reached a point where he never wanted to see another french fry ever again.

Aside from the potato plants, I don’t want to go into too much detail on the science angle.  A)  To do so would be to provide you with too many SPOILERS and b) some of it my brain was too feeble to understand and other parts I did understand but am not sure I could explain it correctly.

Suffice to say, there’s a lot of brainy people involved.  NASA scientists on the ground work on a rescue plan while Watney on Mars works on his own survival.

For any kid out there interested in science, this film provides role models to look up to, not just in the form of the astronauts, but the people – technicians, engineers, specialists, scientists, etc. working to bring their colleague home.

Science, kids.  It’s the way of the future.

WHAT DOES THIS MOVIE MEAN FOR SELF-PUBLISHING?

The Martian started out as a free serial on Andy’s blog.  He as just a guy who really loved math, science, and space.  So he took his passions and funneled them into a project to entertain his blog readers.  (I bet he had more than 3.5 of them.)

As he explained in an interview with Johnny, Sean and Dave of the Self-Publishing Podcast, he put the novel on Amazon at the request of some of his readers who preferred an e-reader format over reading it on a blog.  Not out to make any money and not thinking it would go anywhere, Weir put his novel on Amazon, priced it at 99-cents, and let his blog readers know it was available.

The novel took off and the rest was history.

By the way, I recommend listening to Andy’s SPP interview as it is an inspiration to anyone interested in self-publishing.  Success doesn’t happen overnight and it certainly didn’t for Andy.  He started blogging way back in 1999.  A sixteen year journey to the big screen!

Keep plugging away, 3.5 readers/writers.  Success might seem so far away as to be pointless, but then again, you’re already ahead of those who gave up.

I’ve sought out opinions as to what this movie means for self-publishers.  Andy’s novel was originally self-published before he was approached by a literary agent and sold it to a big publisher.

Does this mean the general public will look at self-publishers in a whole new light?  That if one man was able to take a project on his blog and turn it into a blockbuster film starring Matt Damon and other stars, might that not cause people to pay more attention to self-published works?

One person I spoke with answered no.  His reasoning was the majority of the movie going public doesn’t really care who wrote a book or how the book was made.  They just want to be entertained and thus this won’t do a lot to bring attention to self-publishing.

Technically, I think he’s right, but therein lies the rub.

As self-publishers, our WHOLE GOAL is to provide a piece of entertainment crafted so well that no one notices it wasn’t made by a team of big shots.

Because at the end of the day, when you turn on the TV, do you pay that much attention if a show is on NBC, CBS, or Showtime or do you just pick and watch shows because they grab your attention?

Have you ever said, “Well, I’ll never watch THAT film because it was made by Fox and Goddamn it, this is a Sony household!”

Have you ever walked into a bookstore, strolled over to the clerk, and said, “Excuse me, will you point me to the Random House books because I’m ONLY a Random House reader and I’ll never allow a Penguin book to sully my eyes!”

No.  No one cares who was behind a piece of entertainment so long as it is entertaining.

And that, my 3.5 readers, is what I believe this movie does for self-publishers.

It gives their collective souls a boost.  Andy Weir becomes another Hugh Howey to look up to.  “If that guy did it, then I can do it too!”

After all, when Andy got his start, his readers weren’t saying, “Ugh!  This book was not put out by a traditional publishing house?  No thank you!”

They were saying, “An astronaut who gets trapped on Mars and has to figure out how to survive?!  That sounds so cool!  Sign me up!”

When you’re in the clothing store, do you check the label on that shirt that caught your eye?  Nope.  You’ll just buy it because you like it.

Write cool stories, 3.5 readers and if they’re entertaining enough, people won’t bother to check the label.

Thanks 3.5.  I have to go fight the zombie apocalypse now.

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Sep 27 2015
1 Comment
You Can't Argue with Science

You Can’t Argue With Science – Super Blood Moon Eclipse

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Prestigious Science Professor

The Most Trusted Name in Science

The Most Trusted Name in Science

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”  You really can’t, can you mein leipshin?  Go on.  Pick a fight mit a telescope and see what happens.  Nothing.

Perhaps you remember me from one of mein amazing inventions:

  • Decrapitrexen – the miracle cure that eliminates the need for bowel eliminations, or zie poopen squirtzen as the layman might say.  Still in zie tweaking phase as zie test chimps have been exploding at a rapid pace because you know, zie laws of physics require that what goes in must either come out or make with zie bing bang boom.
  • Cat Deodorant – makes all felines smell like fresh boysenberries, but good luck spritzing it under their furry armpits.
  • Das Cheaten-engine – Just sold it to mein good friends at Volkswagen.  What?  Did something go wrong?  I haven’t been watching the news.

Undt last but not least:

  • The Shark Slinger – Ha…ha ha…MUAH HA HA!!!  All nations must bow down before me or else I will rain down a furious storm of sharks across the globe and…WOOPSIE!  That one’s not quite perfected yet.  Mein bad.

Anyhoodles, just a quick column to remind Herr 3.5 readers of two things:

  • Super Blood Moon Eclipse – It’s happening tonight.  The moon will turn red and then go into eclipse.  It won’t happen again until 2033 (by which time our robot overlords won’t allow any of us outside) so please, mein leipshin, turn off zie TV and dragenzie asses outside to catch this miracle of science!
  • The Reality TV Star Transmogrifier – I’ll be holding an exhibition of mein latest invention this Thursday at the East Randomtown Mall.  You know, zie one with only three operational stores left and zie rest of zie place looks like a ghost town thanks to e-commerce.  Reality stars will be on hand to help me test mein latest invention, which changes them from useless wastes of space who just do nothing all day while cameras follow them around into productive members of society and not zombies at all.  Don’t worry, mein leipshin.  Nothing could possibly go wrong.  After all, I am Dr. Hugo Von Science, Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, not to mention, zie most trusted name in science.

Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time. His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

The management of the East Randomtown Mall would like to remind BQB’s 3.5 readers that everyone is welcome to attend Dr. Hugo’s demonstration this Thursday, free of charge.  It’s perfectly safe and absolutely no one will be turned into zombies.  

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Sep 22 2015
9 Comments
Uncategorized

Amazon’s $50 Tablet

Amazon has released a $50 tablet.

They’re so cheap you can buy a 5-pack for $250.

Use them as stocking stuffers.  Hell, leave one by your bed, one in your car, one at the office, one on your kitchen table, toss them all over and you won’t be without a tablet next time you need one.

Does your kid keep bugging you for your tablet?  Give them this one so they won’t get their greasy fingers all over yours.

Are they any good?  God I hope not or else I overspent on my last tablet.

What’s Amazon up to?  Assumably, they want to get their products into the hands of as many people as possible and are reaching into the market of folks who normally couldn’t afford a tablet…which is a good thing.

That or perhaps with Apple and Samsung tearing up the tablet market, perhaps they might think “$50 bucks could convince an Apple user to try us out.”

And they’re right.  I’ve been curious about Kindle, but not enough to abandon my iPad.  $50 might convince me to check it out.

What will it mean for us aspiring scribes?  More people with tablets=more readers?

More readers for other people.  I only have 3.5.

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Aug 16 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 8/16/15 – G.P. Eynon – Why Do Aliens Have Better Stuff?

Greetings Earth losers!

Alien Jones here, beaming the Bookshelf Battle Blog full of extra-terrestial extra-intelligence.

This week’s question comes from G.P. Eynon, proprietor of the blog, “How Do You Pronounce Eynon?”

I can relate, G.P.  Humans can’t pronounce my name either, so that’s why I have to go with “Alien Jones” for the purposes of this column.

Have you ever considered you might be an alien?  Food for thought.

The Esteemed Brainy One, Champion of Science, Despiser of Pants

The Esteemed Brainy One, Champion of Science, Despiser of Pants

Anyway, G.P.’s inquiry:

Ok, here’s a question for you Esteemed Brainy One. How come you aliens always have better stuff than us, you know: starships, probes, laser guns, and the like? And when we finally get ourselves some quality starships, probes, laser guns, and the like, what the hell are you guys gonna be using? Do we even stand a chance…?

Good question.

The short answer is…we are totally smarter than you.

The longer answer starts with…sex.

Or rather, my species’ inability to have it since we’re clones and those pesky bits and pieces that often manage to be the downfall of human kind have been written out of our genetic code for eons.

For more on this issue, I recommend picking up a copy of the Mighty Potentate’s copious volume, “Sex:  The Bane of the Universe’s Existence.”

In it, the Mightiest of Potentates explains:

  • How all beings pretend like they do the work they do to fulfill themselves but really, everyone’s just looking for an angle to get rich and famous so they can obtain the mate of their dreams.
  • That in theory, this sounds like a good motivational tool to inspire the masses to dream big, live large, and dedicate themselves to education and hard work.
  • But in reality, all the greats who invent something magnificent usually switch their brains off once all the money and sex starts rolling in.
  • That my planet, the name of which is none of your business, was, many thousands of years ago, not unlike Earth.  War, pestilence, plagues, famine, reality television, all which came about due to various despots seeking to prove their worthiness in the hopes of getting, well, you guessed it.
  • That once aliens of my species were cloned sans junk, our world became a happier place, one where we were free to experiment, try new ideas, explore, discover and create without fear that failure might lead to us not getting sex, because you know, we’re not interested now.
  • And finally, that despite our sexless existence, sometimes our egos get in the way, thus the need for the Mighty Potentate to remind us that our transgressions = vaporization.

By the way, more than lack of sex, the Mighty Potentate’s threats of vaporization are additional factor to which I attribute the advancement of our society.

For example, take the memoirs of Alien Guzman, inventor of the first intergalactic flight capable spaceship:

“While many before me looked at the stars and saw them as mere decorations dotting the sky, I dared to dream that one day I would be able to visit them.  They are real, tangible, and the only thing that separated me from them was science.  I would deny my dream no longer, for the limits of my ability are only limited by the depths of my imagination.

Also, the Mighty Potentate wanted a spaceship and said he’d totally vaporize the shit out of me if he didn’t get one.”

– Alien Guzman, The Esteemed Flying One

How moving.  Or what about this quote from Dr. Alien Himmelfarb, who discovered the cure for alien cancer?

“This disease had cut short the lives of too many.  It left nothing but suffering in its wake, for its victims as well as the caretakers of those afflicted.  Something needed to be done.  Society could no longer be allowed to live in fear of the ravages of this intolerable malady.

Also, the Mighty Potentate was diagnosed with it and threatened to vaporize the crap out of me if I didn’t cure him.”

– The Esteemed Healing One

There you have it.  In short, the key for humans to become better inventors is two-fold:

  1.  Clone your genitals out of existence.
  2. Swear allegiance to a maniacal despot who will motivate you through threats of vaporization.

Really, number three would be “invent vaporization” but I suppose you could replace it with any manner of demise until one of your human scientists realizes that a vaporization cannon can be created by hooking up a dehumidifier to a leaf blower and filling it with…

Nope.  Never mind.  I’ve said too much.

Now, to the next part of your question.

And when we finally get ourselves some quality starships, probes, laser guns, and the like, what the hell are you guys gonna be using? Do we even stand a chance…?

We aliens have done our best to keep humans from inventing these items, largely as we fear you’re not able to handle the consequences of them, but mostly because we fear you’ll use them to export reality television.

Surely, we can’t keep this up forever, and you are correct.  By the time humans develop breakthroughs that are yesterday’s news to us aliens, we’ll already be onto the next thing.

Predictions:

STARSHIPS – will be replaced with intergalactic teleportation.  The venerable Alien Reynolds has already developed the technology, it’s just a matter of creating a business model.  Some aliens think there should be a gateway portal every ten miles, while others believe that there should be a gateway in every alien’s living room.  Rumor has it that the Mighty Potentate is currently considering the issuance of a vaporization threat, so you can expect this to get off the ground shortly.

PROBES – Already obsolete.  After millennia of probing, there’s no spoilers left in your spoiler, as it were.

LASER GUNS – have been obsolete since the invention of vaporization cannons.  Currently, firearms expert Alien Alvarez has been commissioned by the Mighty Potentate to develop a prototype explode-o-vaporizer cannon.  If successful, the device will cause a target to spontaneously explode, and then the remaining pieces are instantly vaporized.  Word has it that AA is behind schedule and that the MP has declared that if he doesn’t pick up the pace soon, AA will be required to invent the device and then immediately use it to explode AND vaporize himself.

In closing, humans will always be woefully behind aliens, but by adjusting your society, getting ridding of your sex drives, and swearing fealty to a vaporization happy dictator, you’ll catch up in no time.

Look at that.  I finished this column on schedule.  I won’t be vaporized today!  Huzzah!

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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