Tag Archives: women

Apr 07 2016
6 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper

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Your girlfriend will kick so much undead ass during the zombie apocalypse.

She thinks it’s the end of the world as we know it…but do you feel fine? 

Alas, to all good things must come an end.  Just as the dinosaurs were wiped out when they plugged in their curling irons all at once, so too may humanity cease to be one day.

But probably not while we’re alive.  It’s those future suckers who’ve got problems.

Or is the end closer than we think?  Your girlfriend sure seems to think so.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Doomsday Prepper:

10.   Attempted to get you to drink your own urine to, and I quote, “get you used to the robust flavor.” Not only did you hurt her feelings with your emphatic refusal, you’re also not able to look at lemonade the same way ever again.

9.  Refers to The Walking Dead and Mad Max as “training videos.”

8.  Every piece of clothing in her closet is camouflage.  In fact, if you were to wear camouflage and then stand in front of all of her camouflage clothes, you’d disappear.  Trippy.

7.  Her basement is filled with enough tin cans to give a hungry billy goat an orgasm.  (Get it?  Because doomsday preppers store canned food and billy goats like to eat tin cans and…oh.  I guess the cans have to be empty for a goat to want to chew on it.  You know what?  Forget it. When it needs to be explained, it isn’t funny.  Moving on…)

6.  She has more guns than your local run of the mill street gang…and she knows how to use ’em.

5.  She packed his and her bug out bags filled with survival gear to grab in a hurry when the zombies, aliens, machines, invading troops, catastrophic weather event, nuclear meltdown or other to be named tragedy unfolds, causing a need to “bug out” the door in a hurry.  Feel loved, my friend, because that means there’s no one else she’d rather spend the apocalypse with than you.

4.  Forget diamonds.  All she wants for Valentine’s Day is a gas mask.

3.  From hang nails to a steak dinner, she does all of her cutting with the same machete.

2.  Claims an ability to patch up wounds with bat guano (in case you were wondering why she keeps feeding ex-lax to that bat.)

  1.  Built an underground bunker.  Connected a hot tub, disco lights, and a recording of Barry White to a gas powered generator because hey, the world may have come to an end, but the romance is just beginning.
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Apr 06 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger

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Does your girlfriend take your money when you are in need?

Is she a triflin’ friend indeed?

In that case, whether or not you’re Jamie Foxx (as featured in Kanye West’s song Gold Digger) you might want to consult this expert list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger:

10.  You actually have some gold to dig.  If your ass is broke, then believe it or not, she might actually just like you for your personality.  Who knew?  I sure 9didn’t.  I always thought you were a schmuck.

9.  Uses you like her own personal ATM.  If you’re asleep, she just picks you up, turns you upside down, and shakes you until all the loot falls out of your pockets.

8.  Has a long laundry list of reasons why she can’t get a job.  None of those problems ever interfere with her partying.

7.  Her hands are always in your pants…until she finds your wallet and then they’re gone.

6.  All of your credit cards are maxed out.  Your bank accounts are drained.  Creditors are banging down your door.  You came home fully intent on putting your foot down on her cutting back but then she pouted…so you found a high interest loan from your friendly neighborhood loan shark.  Soon, your kneecaps will be as busted as your credit score,  but at least she’ll have seventeen pairs of high-heel boots in a variety of colors.

5.  You tried to explain the concept of a coupon to her once.  Gave up when a demonstration involving sock puppets (your left hand was the cashier and your right was the customer with the coupon) failed.

4.  Talks you into taking her on exotic vacations often.  Her social media feeds are full of pictures of her wearing one of those damn straw cowgirl hats shouting “Wooo!” with a red plastic cup in her hand.  Your social media feed is just a bunch of pictures of you passed out on the hotel floor whilst clutching your heart and holding the bill.

3.  Victoria’s Secret.  Dolce and Gabbanna.  Louis Vouitton.  Every month your credit company calls you and asks, “Sir, did we accidentally send you Jennifer Lopez’ bill by mistake?  Because our records indicate you are an ugly overweight middle aged man…”  (Why are you using a credit card company that keeps such detailed records?)

2.  Whenever she says “I just want to look good for you baby” she gets a whole new wardrobe.

  1.  Tennis.  Weights.  Yoga.  You’ve been paying for some kind of personal trainer for her for years but to date, you’ve never seen her swing a racquet, lift a barbell, or strike a downward dog pose.  (There’s a joke in here somewhere about how the yoga instructor is the only one seeing the downward dog but…yeah…never mind. You’ve been through too much already buddy.)

 

 

 

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Apr 02 2016
2 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch

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Not exactly the nicest thing to call your girlfriend…unless she is one.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warnings Signs that Your Smoochy Poo might be a Witchy Poo:

10.  She’s always green…even when she isn’t sick.

9.  But unlike Kermit, being green is easy for her.

8.  Whenever she leaves, your broomstick is nowhere to be found.  That’s ok though because you weren’t that much of a housekeeper anyway you dirty slob.

7.  You’re not entirely sure water would melt her, but now that you think of it, you can’t recall ever seeing her drink a bottle of Aquafina.  Maybe she’s a witch or maybe she’s just not a dumb ass who is willing to shell out good money for bottled water when the tap is perfectly fine.  (But seriously, if you two live in Flint, Michigan and she doesn’t drink Aquafina then she is a big time witch my friend.)

6.  Her closet contains a wide selection of black pointy hats with belt buckles on them. She is unable to explain what the hell those belt buckles are for.  Seriously, does anyone out there know why witch hats have belt buckles on them?  Belts are for pants you dumb witches!

5.  She steadfastly maintains that Dorothy was the villain in The Wizard of Oz.

4.  Her purse contents include: lipstick, chapstick, hairspray, mints and eye of newt.

3.  Always wins the fight by turning you into a toad.  She eventually turns you back to normal, but your craving for flies never goes away.

2.  She cackles at all of your jokes.  But she’s got a good heart because she even cackles at the ones that aren’t funny.  And most of them aren’t funny.

  1. Whenever she unzips your pants, she invariably cries out, “I’ll get you my pretty!”  You just go along with it because no one has ever called it pretty before.  Let’s face it.  No one else ever will either.  This witch is a keeper.

HONORABLE MENTION

We would have also accepted:

  •  The big ass cauldron in the middle of her living room always distracts you during make-out sessions…especially because you’re totally sure you saw something move in there.
  • Her winged monkeys are so helpful you don’t know how you ever got along without them.  From the remote to snacks, there’s nothing these furry little lackeys aren’t willing to fetch for you.
  • Sometimes she “leaves” then a crusty old hag returns to offer you an apple.  Don’t take the apple.
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Apr 02 2016
8 Comments
Writing

Retirement Canceled

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One of BQB’s 3.5 readers rejoices upon news of BQB’s return.

Well that was a short retirement.

What brought me back so quickly?

Was it the early dinners?  Hell no.  I love to eat at four p.m.

Was it the retiree fashions? Absolutely not.  I walk around with my pants pulled up to my chin most of the time anyway.

It was you.  My 3.5 readers.

You guys probably thought yesterday’s big announcement was an April Fool’s Day prank.

Had I wanted to make an April Fools Day joke I would have just announced that I’m pregnant, or gay, or gay and pregnant like every other mouth breathing nincompoop on my Facebook feed.

Nope.  I was for real.  I was calling it quits and taking myself out of the blogging game.  It’s becoming too much of a rat race.  All wheel and no cheese.

Plus, there’s a guy with a new blog in which he claims to be the caretaker of a magic musical CD carrying case, who fights vampires and chupacabras, and is best friends with a troll.  Did I mention he is trying to become a writer in order to stave off an invasion from underground mole people?

Who can compete with that shit?  Derivative much?

But my hits yesterday were much higher than usual.  104 visitors to be exact.  While I come close often, I rarely break the 100 barrier so color me excited.

Write your heart out on a zombie cowboy novel?  People shrug their shoulders.  Whip out a few top ten lists about wacky girlfriends and people set their mouses (mice?) on fire with the clicketty clicks.

Fear not.  The Zombie Western shall continue.  But you’ve now also encouraged me to write more wacky girlfriend top ten lists so tell me, what else are you dudes worried that your girlfriend might be?

Is she:

  • A pirate
  • An alien
  • A ninja
  • Mother of God.  Your girlfriend could be a pirate alien ninja.

Ladies, get in the act.  Your boyfriend could also something awful…more so than he obviously is now.

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Mar 31 2016
8 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Russian Spy

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The Russians.

Oh sure, they say they want to be our friends but then as soon as we aren’t looking they kick the Ukraine in the balls and give East Europe a wedgie.

Let’s face it.  For many Russians the Cold War never ended and they’re looking for their chance to spread communism across the globe.

Fellow American men, here are some warning signs that your girlfriend might in fact be a Russian spy:

10.  You asked her if she is a Russian spy and her answer was “nyet.”  Nyet, of course, is Russian for “no.”  This is a clear sign your girlfriend is a Russian spy as an American woman would have responded, “No” or “Shut up and buy me something assface.”

9.  You glanced at her cell phone and noticed she has “Putin” listed in her contacts.

8.  She gets up in the middle of the night, strips naked, opens up the freezer and then just stands there taking in the cold blast.  You could question her about this, but she’ll just give you some bullshit excuse about it being some kind of weird sex fetish.  In actuality, she does this because it reminds her of summertime in her native Siberia.

7.  She can’t name a single player on the local baseball team.  (Note for this to work you need to not be a nerd who doesn’t know a single player on your local baseball team.)

6.  She has difficulty fitting in during social gatherings.  You and your friends always want to talk about movies, music and popular culture whereas she just keeps randomly blurting out stuff like, “Religion is the opiate of the masses!” and “When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use!”

5.  Ever since she got a look at your fully stocked bathroom she’s been willing to do horrible, unspeakable things in the boudoir in exchange for a roll of two-ply.  “Pass the Charmin” has taken on an entirely new meaning.

4.  You have compared notes with your male friends.  When their girlfriends get mad at them, they get a lecture or the cold shoulder.  When your girlfriend gets mad at you, she slams her shoe down on the counter and shouts, “We will bury you!”

3.  Whenever you ask her where she wants to go on your next date, she invariably replies, “the Pentagon” then asks if you know whether or not they allow flash photography.

2.  She regularly asks if that is a hammer or a sickle in your pants or are you just happy to see her.

  1. You wake up often in the middle of the night to find your neck locked between her thighs, leaving you gasping for air.  You question her about it but she swears she’s just being kinky.  She’s not.  She’s trying to strangle the shit out of you like one of those damn double agent she-assassins that are always trying to kill James Bond.  Oh well.  We all have to go sometime and what a way to go.
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Mar 31 2016
15 Comments
zombies

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie

shutterstock_142239178From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:

10.  She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.

9.  She wants you for your brains.  No, not the thoughts in your brains.  You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.

8.  She bumps into walls more than usual.

7.  You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.

6.  She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.

5.  She looks really mad at you.  You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”

4.  She asks if her butt looks big in the jeans she is wearing.  You note that her butt fell off weeks ago.

3.  Despite a lack of cognitive functions, she still has the ability to get mad at you about shit you did a long time ago.

EXAMPLE

YOU: Babe, stop trying to eat my brains.

HER: Grrr…argh…I bet you’d let that bitch you were staring at at the club in 2009 eat your brains…grrr…argh…brains…

2.  Also, despite the above mentioned lack of cognitive functions, she still holds you to the impossibly high standards set by Hollywood romance movies.

EXAMPLE

YOU:  Babe, your face is leaking puss.

HER:  Grr…argh…you should still love me anyway…grrr…and you should have better hair, bigger muscles, more money, and a cooler car…grrr…argh…brains!

  1.  Her boobs fell off but you’re pretty sure if you could just figure out how to sew them back on you could make this human/zombie romance work.
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Dec 13 2015
5 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

Women 25-34

According to the fine folks at Facebook, the Pop Culture Mysteries Facebook Page  is doing well with women age 25-34.

Huzzah! I’ve broken through to the women 25-34 market.

Anyone have any idea why? Do women dig pop culture? Do they like the banner photo of my attorney, Delilah K. Donnelly, Esq.? Do they like mysteries?

Anyone have any idea how I can keep this going?

Thank you, women 25-34. Your support is much appreciated.

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Mar 22 2015
5 Comments
Twitter

#womeninfiction

#womeninfiction is trending on Twitter.  Do you remember Twitter?  It’s that thing I need 4000 followers on before I can kick the World’s Smelliest Yeti off my couch.

I chose Brienne of Tarth from Game of Thrones.  And actually, I’d also have to give props to Catelyn Stark.  Kind of a toss-up, really.

Wait, what about Daeny?  It’s a triple toss-up.

The Yeti chooses Olga from Olga’s Stewstravaganza and Olga’s Stewstravaganza II – Electric Stewgaloo.  

Alien Jones chooses Princess Leia and he argues this counts because Leia appears in Star Wars books.  I can’t argue with his impeccable logic.

Who are your favorite literary females?

Discuss in the comments.  Also, follow @bookshelfbattle to save me from the Yeti scourge.

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