Monthly Archives: May 2016

Movie Review – Captain America: Civil War

So an elderly patriot, his elderly friend with a metal arm, a guy who can fly, a rich guy in a metal suit, his war hero friend in a metal suit, a prince in a cat suit, a witch with mind control powers, a British living robot, a kid who was bitten by a radioactive spider, a Russian assassin, a dude who’s handy with a bow and arrow, and a man who can make himself the size of an ant walk into a bar…

AND THEN THEY FIGHT!

BQB here with a review of the long awaited Captain America: Civil War.

Don’t go to war over the SPOILERS that you’ll be reading if you scroll down any further.

Can’t we all just get along?

Apparently not.  It’s been a rough year for superhero friendships.

Why, back in March Batman and Superman played their own game of Rock’em Sock’em robots and the more I think about it, the more I realize what a stinker of a turd that flick was.

Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. What the shit, man? What the shit indeed.

Luckily, unlike DC and Warner Brothers, the fine folks at Marvel and Disney refused to serve us up a stinky turdburger.

I don’t want to spoil too much of the plot, but suffice to say all of those buildings the Avengers inadvertently smashed up during their battles with various aliens, robots, and/or assorted evil buttholes have finally caught up with them.

The general public has had it with all the collateral damage and they demand that “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” submit to UN oversight.

Iron Man is for it. The Avengers have too much power and the public will only trust them if they’re being watched.  Perhaps it is their power that is causing evildoers to challenge them in the first place.

Captain America is against it. Collateral damage will happen during war, no matter who they answer to.  Blame the bad guys who start the wars, not those who are trying to stop them. He fears submission to a political body will allow politics to intervene in the Avengers’ missions and ultimately, the plan is little more than an exercise in assigning blame when things go wrong.

In the middle of it all, a mysterious enemy frames Cap’s best pal Bucky “the Winter Soldier” Barnes, and it turns into a slug fest between the man in the red metal suit and the man in the star spangled pajamas.

Old favorites like Spiderman, Ant Man, Scarlett Witch, War Machine, the Vision, Falcon etc. come into play.

Newly introduced to the screen are Crossbones and Black Panther, each with their own modus operandi.

Alas, Thor and the Incredible Hulk sit this one out. Boo.

Perhaps when the film has been out longer, I’ll opine more on this next subject but for now, if you’re a deep thinker like yours truly, you might start to wonder if the whole film isn’t one being allegory to the plight the U.S. has faced over terrorism since 9/11.

In other words, half the country is like Iron Man. Let’s take a step back and try to play nice with everyone.

Half the country is like Captain America. F them they blew us up. If they get mad at us for blowing them up then they should have thought of that before they blew us up and collateral damage is the fault of the people who blew us up.

Both arguments have their pros and cons.  Sadly, just like Cap and Iron Man, Americans used to be a bit friendlier to one another prior to the turn of the millennium.

Now you don’t have to look much further than your Facebook feed during an election year to see people who should be buddies trading the verbal equivalent of Iron Man’s hand blasters and Captain America’s frisbee shield throws at one another.

Let’s try to get along people because we’re all we have, after all.

And besides, isn’t all this infighting what the aliens, or the robots or the bad guys in funny costumes (or in real life, the terrorists) wanted all along?

Am I thinking too much? Don’t worry. The movie doesn’t require you to think that much if you don’t want to. You can just sit back and watch all the pretty colors and scary explosions if you prefer.

There are times when there are so many characters on screen that it is hard to pay attention to what’s going on with everyone. There’s the rub with these multiple hero plots. Sometimes everyone gets so much time there isn’t enough for everyone on an individual level.

Even so, Marvel/Disney crafted an intricate, satisfying plot with a multitude of heroes whereas DC/Warner Brothers only had to deal with three heroes (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman) and in the end, delivered us a big juicy crap sandwich.

Damn it. Batman vs. Superman really sucked, didn’t it?

Spiderman’s addition to the team is adorable.  Black Panther shines as the latest hero.

And I’m not sure how they did it, perhaps with a combo of makeup and CGI, but there are scenes with a young Tony Stark that bring us a Robert Downey Jr. who looks a lot like he did in his Saturday Night Live days.

Not to keep dumping on Batman vs. Superman (because to dump on a dump would be redundant) but Marvel/DC took their time, built up all the characters, developed their back stories, made us care about them, and this movie is a pay off for anyone who’s invested their time in the franchise.

DC’s challenge was that there have already been so many Batman and Superman movies to begin with. Fine, but there still could have been a better plot leading up to the Man of Steel’s battle royale with the Dark Knight.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

 

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 93

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Gunther only had the one good eye, but that was all he needed to land a shot straight through the neck of the werewolf that had Standing Eagle pinned. The werewolf roared in pain and became distracted just long enough for the Chief to spring to his feet and bash the beast backward with multiple tomahawk smashes to the snout.

Once the monster was within range, Gunther put a silver tipped bullet right in the back of its hairy head. Eagle side stepped just in time to avoid being crushed by the collapsing carcass.

In a blood and guts fueled frenzy, Slade was using his twin pistols to pop putrid zombie heads as if they were ripe watermelons.

Eagle’s warriors fought valiantly. Bobcat jammed his blade into a zombie’s forehead, then hacked off the creature’s hand, stole its gun and used it to blow out the brains of three more zombies.

Fox scalped a zombified Buchanan Boy, using his knife to peal away the undead man’s hair and skin, not to mention the top half of his skull. Once the zombie’s brain was exposed, Fox plunged his blade deep inside it, putting the zombie’s lights out for good.

The zombies kept attacking, as did the two remaining werewolves. The cowboys and natives closed ranks, fighting in close proximity to each other as they hacked off and shot off all manner of disgusting zombie parts.

“It seems I have saved your useless hide again, Slade,” Eagle said as he chopped the arm off one of his attackers.

“I don’t feel too safe yet,” Slade replied as he put a silver tipped bullet right through the eye of a werewolf, dropping him cold. “But thanks.”

“Are you two going to kiss or are you going to kill zombies?” Gunther asked. The old timer pulled the trigger of his rifle only to hear a click. Out of ammo, he improvised and bashed an incoming zombie’s face in with the butt of his Winchester.

“We make our ancestors proud today, Eagle!” cried Bobcat as he lopped a zombie’s head clean off and tossed it into the air. It remained alive until Slade put a bullet between its eyes before it hit the ground. It was an epic trick shot.

“Am I seeing things or are there even more of these fuckers than before?” Gunther asked.

“You aren’t,” Snake replied as he conked a zombie over the head with his staff. “We kill more and more and they just keep coming…ugh!”

Two zombies grabbed Snake’s arms and attempted to pull him into the sea of undead that surrounded the heroes, but Screeching Owl put an arrow in each of their heads in order to free the shaman.

High up above the brawl, Blythe hovered in the air, directing his zombies in their gruesome carnage. Slade took a few shots at the vampire, but Blythe dodged them adeptly.

From his vantage point, Blythe could see a mile in any direction, and to his delight, the entire town had become filled to capacity with zombies and werewolves.

The drive was finally complete. The werewolf herdsmen had brought their zombie cattle in. With his mind, the vampire directed several hundred  of the undead to converge on the mayhem outside the livery.

Gunther smacked and punched away the undead hands that grabbed him, but there were too many. The old man was hoisted into the air and held there by several different pairs of hands. Soon, Slade was overpowered and ended up in the air as well, as did Fox, Owl, Bobcat, and Snake.

All heroes resisted but they were unable to break the undead grips that held them up over the zombie crowd below.

Eagle wasn’t so lucky. With a werewolf’s paw around his throat, he was lifted into the air. The werewolf squeezed…and squeezed until…CRACK! The Chief’s neck snapped and his body went limp.

Slade cried out in anger and struggled to free himself to no avail.

Down the road, a female rider approached on a horse. As she drew near, the zombies parted to let her through. At least twenty hulking werewolves followed in her wake.

Molly Harper. Queen of a wolf pack out of Colorado. She was older, in her early forties at least, but still a looker with long brow hair pouring out from under her hat. Her leather coat was scuffed and  worn, looking like it had seen a lot of action on the trail.

Blythe motioned for the zombies to clear a circle. Molly rode into the middle of it. Her spurs jangled as her boots hit the ground. Blythe landed next to her.

“Miss Harper,” Blythe said.

“Counselor,” Molly replied in a Southern twang.

“I trust your ride in was riveting?” Blythe asked.

“Sacked and burned everything from Colorado to Missouri,” Molly replied. “Every pack around joined in. These zombies are dumber than a bunch of inbred aardvarks during mating season but they respond to the whip all right. Got quite an army on your hands now.”

“The chairman will no doubt reward you and yours ten fold,” Blythe said.

“Well, my mama always said it was impolite to talk money in front of company but I hope so,” the lady wolf said. “We didn’t drag these sons of bitches cross country for our health.”

Slade, Gunther and the natives were on their feet now, being restrained by the zombie hordes. The werewolf who bested Eagle tossed the Chief’s carcass at Blythe’s feet.

“Good boy,” Blythe said.

“Glory be,” Molly said as she looked over Eagle’s muscular frame. “What a specimen. Shame.”

Bobcat refused to be silent. “You know not what you do, demon. You have taken the life of a warrior far, far better than you could ever be and the spirits will demand justice. They will demand…”

“Shut him up,” Blythe said. His undead stooges obeyed and clamped their hands tightly over Bobcat’s face.

Gunther and Slade were already subdued in a similar manner, disgusting hands over their mouths preventing them from saying anything.

“Miss Harper,” Blythe said. “I hate to give you another job before you’ve had a moment to put your feet up, but there is an urgent matter in need of your skill.”

“Let’s hear it,” Molly replied.

Blythe pointed to Slade. “This one has two women.”

“Two?!” Molly balked then looked over Slade’s face. “Eh, I can see it. He’s right purdy.”

“They escaped,” Blythe said. “I need them back unharmed.”

Slade winced as Molly sniffed his neck. “He reeks of both of them. I got their scent.”

The Queen flexed her muscles. They grew and grew until her clothing ripped off of her. She morphed into a mighty werewolf but unlike the others, her fur was luxurious -silky smooth and alabaster white.

She dropped down on all fours and scurried through the zombie hordes. Two male wolves joined her.

“Take them inside,” Blythe commanded. His zombies obeyed and carried the prisoners into the livery.

Blythe rose into the air and flew back to the Marvel, where Mr. Mayhew and the other conductors were waiting.

“Shall we begin boarding sir?”

“Yes, Blythe replied as his feet touched down on the platform. “But your men can handle that. I need you to head off to the bridge and make sure it’s clear of any rabble.”

“Consider it done sir,” Mayhew replied.

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BQB’s Random Thoughts #1

Hello. I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler. As the Mayor of East Randomtown, here are my random thoughts.

Musings of a general nature in no particular order:

  • Sometimes I’ll watch an old movie, spot an actress who’s a really hot chick, then do the math and realize she’s either dead by now or slurping back jello in a nursing home somewhere. It makes me sad and defeats the purpose of watching the movie. I watched it to avoid reality and now I’m worrying about the grim reality that life is short and the reaper comes for us all. After that, I worry about why my blog is so depressing. Then I wonder whether or not it’s ok to oggle the young, hot vibrant version of the actress in the old movie I’m watching, given that she’s either dead or a vegetable now. I err on the side of yes as she probably got into acting in the hopes that future generations of men would be oggling her in her movies until the end of time, right? It would almost be rude not to oggle her.
  • I hate it when I sit in a chair that someone sat in previously and it is still warm from their ass warmth. Though irrational, the warmth of someone else’s butt on a chair coming into contact with my butt instantly causes my mind to believe in a most steadfast matter that a zillion of the other person’s butt germs are invading my butt. Alas, all I can do is grin and bear it because when you’re in a situation that calls for you to sit down in a chair someone else was just sitting in, you can’t exactly break out a thermometer, then wait a minute and test it to see if the chair has cooled down now, can you?  (No seriously, I’m asking, is this socially acceptable? Because if it is I’ll start carrying a thermometer to test the ass warmth of chairs I have to sit in from now on.)
  • Ladies, no matter what your boyfriend tells you, it’s never cool or acceptable if your boyfriend tries to sell you into a foreign businessman’s harem. Say no to harems.
  • It has just been brought to my attention that it was politically incorrect of me to express concern about the harems of “foreign businessmen” when I could have just as easily pointed out the dangers of being sold into the harem of any one anywhere at any time. Indeed, if there are any domestic harems, you should avoid being sold into those as well. I will now attend sensitivity training and flagellate myself with a cat of nine tails as penance.
  • I have never left a penny in the gotta penny give a penny need a penny take a penny tray. It may be too late for me to avoid eternal damnation now as I’d have to leave so many pennies now to make up for it, and that’s not even considering inflation.
  • Bums like me. I assume this is because I look non-threatening and thus they can wear me down by following me and repeatedly asking for change until I give up toss and toss a few scheckels their way just to get rid of them. Part of me wishes I appeared more menacing to bums. Then part of me just wishes the world would improve so the bums would have somewhere to go where they could be happy and warm and collect change from people whose egos aren’t so fragile that they end up wondering what is it about them that makes them look like a good mark for bums.
  • I’m sorry. I’ve just been notified that “bum” is a politically incorrect term. Hobo, vagrant, transient, and/or poor person are also terms that are off limits. The correct term now is “person of limited means and stifled upward mobility.”  For example, I must look like an easy mark for people of limited means and stifled upward mobility.
  • I’m fairly certain the first person who ever ate a lobster was either extremely hungry or a raging psychopath. Otherwise, who looks at a creature that looks like a red sea insect and things, “Mmm yummy!” (Then again, who looks at a cow and thinks “Mmm yummy?”
  • But at least there’s a degree  of separation between me and the cow. A cooked cow isn’t heaped onto my table. I just get a tasty burger instead. Meanwhile, I have no idea how someone can take a boiled lobster carcass and not look at it while they’re eating it and wonder about the lobster’s life? Did the lobster have a wife? A family? Had the lobster fallen on hard times? Maybe he lost his job, got depressed, turned to drinking, pushed his lobster wife and lobster kids away but then he finally got a new job and was ready to put his difficult past behind him and make amends and be happy when he got tossed into your put and a fork shoved up his butt to take out his innards and dip them in butter.
  • When I was but a mere boy, unknowledgeable about the birds and the bees, I thought it was possible for men to get pregnant. I’m not sure why I thought that but I assume since all I was ever told at the time was that babies come out of a woman’s stomach, that men’s stomachs were also prime pieces of real estate for baby production. Later, the truth that only women can get pregnant was revealed to me.  “Boy, I really dodged a bullet there” was my immediate response. I remember it like it was last week. Probably because it was.
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My Theories About Jon Snow and His Direwolf

You know nothing, 3.5 readers.

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Jon Snow knows nothing…or does he?

You know nothing.

But if you read this post, you will know SPOILERS!

So you know, if you don’t want to know what’s happening on Game of Thrones then stop reading. Go play Parcheesi or eat a cheese sandwich or take a walk or some shit.

I don’t know. It’s not my job to know what to tell you what you should do when you don’t want to read Game of Thrones SPOILERS.

OK so now that all of the people with suspect nerd credentials are out of the way, let’s talk last week’s episode.

So in Season 6, Episode 2 of Game of Thrones – “Home” we find out Jon Snow is alive.

Melisandre, the Red Woman with the Evil Magic Vagina performs some hocus pocus. But nothing happens.  So she and the other warrior dudes give up.

And if you ask me, they all give up too quickly. I mean, if Jon Snow were my friend, I might have tried the spell at least two more times.

Hell, if you were just some dopey stranger off the street I might try a life saving spell at least one more time.

But whatever. So then everyone leaves. And Jon Snow’s body is alone with his dire wolf.

And the wolf starts to sir.  And then Jon Snow gasps for air and he’s alive.

Is there anything going on with that wolf?

Theories:

  • It’s a Freaky Friday situation. Jon Snow didn’t talk. He just gasped for air. Ergo, Melisandre did the spell wrong and now the wolf’s soul is in Jon and Jon’s snow is in the wolf. Kit Harrington will just walk around barking at everyone.
  • Melisandre’s spell had nothing to do with it. Jon Snow has been a worg all along, like his little brother, Bran. Jon worged his ass into his dire wolf just before he died.  And then uh, I don’t know. Melisandre’s spell did have something to do with it because whatever she did pulled Jon’s soul out of the wolf and into Jon Snow’s body.
  • Nothing happened with the wolf other than the show runners wanted to show you that after everyone had given up, the wolf, with its heightened wolf senses, sensed Jon Snow was back.

All I know is that no shadow assassins popped out of Melisandre’s magic vagina and her clothes and magic age defying necklace stayed on the entire time, thank God.

What theories do you 3.5 readers have going into this coming Sunday’s episode?

FULL DISCLOSURE: I didn’t make that Jon Snow meme it’s just one of many Jon Snow memes going about in the Game of Thrones nerdosphere and I thought it was funny.

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Happy Star Wars Day

By the way, since this is a nerd blog it is imperative that I wish you all a Happy Star Wars Day.

Maythe4thBeWithYou nerds

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Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie

And finally, the post that started it all. The Top Ten Warning Signs That Your Girlfriend Might Be a Damn Zombie.

If your girlfriend is falling apart emotionally, it’s probably your fault for being a lousy ass boyfriend.

But, if she’s falling apart literally and still moving around and/or trying to feast on your brains then she may very well be a damn zombie.

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shutterstock_142239178From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:

10.  She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.

9.  She wants you for your brains.  No, not the thoughts in your brains.  You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.

8.  She bumps into walls more than usual.

7.  You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.

6.  She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.

5.  She looks really mad at you.  You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”

4.  She…

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Top 10 Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Damn Russian Spy

A Brief History of the Cold War:

It started 5 minutes after World War II. The Russians tried to take over the US and force us to stand in line for toilet paper and turn all our women into chubby babushkas named Olga.

Then Ronald Reagan put an end to all that bullshit by besting Mikhail Gorbachev in a best two out of three jello wrestling competition.

And then after that it looked like the Russkis were going to knock the shit off for awhile but you know, what with the rise of Putin and all, you might want to keep an eye on your girlfriend if she knows more quotes from the Communist Manifesto than from those romance movies in the previous post.

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The Russians.

Oh sure, they say they want to be our friends but then as soon as we aren’t looking they kick the Ukraine in the balls and give East Europe a wedgie.

Let’s face it.  For many Russians the Cold War never ended and they’re looking for their chance to spread communism across the globe.

Fellow American men, here are some warning signs that your girlfriend might in fact be a Russian spy:

10.  You asked her if she is a Russian spy and her answer was “nyet.”  Nyet, of course, is Russian for “no.”  This is a clear sign your girlfriend is a Russian spy as an American woman would have responded, “No” or “Shut up and buy me something assface.”

9.  You glanced at her cell phone and noticed she has “Putin” listed in her contacts.

8.  She gets up in the middle of the night, strips naked…

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch

I got through this entire post without making a joke about witches riding a broomstick in an appropriate manner or you know as an innuendo for, never mind.

Witches are ladies, dammit and they don’t play that shit.

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Not exactly the nicest thing to call your girlfriend…unless she is one.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warnings Signs that Your Smoochy Poo might be a Witchy Poo:

10.  She’s always green…even when she isn’t sick.

9.  But unlike Kermit, being green is easy for her.

8.  Whenever she leaves, your broomstick is nowhere to be found.  That’s ok though because you weren’t that much of a housekeeper anyway you dirty slob.

7.  You’re not entirely sure water would melt her, but now that you think of it, you can’t recall ever seeing her drink a bottle of Aquafina.  Maybe she’s a witch or maybe she’s just not a dumb ass who is willing to shell out good money for bottled water when the tap is perfectly fine.  (But seriously, if you two live in Flint, Michigan and she doesn’t drink…

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Romantic Movie Fanatic

Curse you Hollywood for making women the world over demand that their boyfriends like, live by high standards and sweep women off their feet and poop rainbows out of their butts and shit.

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shutterstock_3277737Oh Hollywood.  When will you ever learn that every time you put out another cheesy romantic movie, you’re causing the women in our lives to hold us up to ridiculously high standards?

Men, are your women way into romance flicks for YOUR own good?

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten warning signs your girlfriend might be a romance movie fanatic:

10.  She watched Serendipity then erased her number from your phone and wrote it down in a copy of the book, Love in the Time of Cholera.  She sold the book to a used book store and then informed you that you will never talk to her again unless fate sees that the book with her number in it makes its way to you.  You call her the next day and you are all like “Seriously babe I remember your number because we’ve been…

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja

Your girlfriend might be a ninja.

Ironically, as a ninja she is so skilled that you will never know if she is a ninja unless she wants you to know she is a ninja.

So you can just sit around like a stupid dumb dummy face and wait for her to admit that she is a ninja or you can read BQB’s Top Ten Warning Signs That Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja.

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Female-Ninja-Silhouette-800px Ninjutsu.  The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.

If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.

But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:

10.  Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move.  Don’t worry.  That’s just ninja foreplay.

9.  You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher.  It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.

8.  Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around…

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