They’re back and still listening to Star Lord’s mix tape:
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Monthly Archives: November 2016
Mighty Potentate Transmission #1
STAND BY FOR A TRANSMISSION FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE, SUPREME INTERSTELLAR OVERLORD AND ALSO NOT A SHABBY DANCER
3…2…1…ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!
Greetings pitiful humans.
The Mighty Potentate here, once again confirming the existence of alien life, though I’m not worried any of you will catch on as only 3.5 of you read this blog.
Frankly, that’s what I’m hear to talk about.
Still not a big fan of all the reality television that your incompetent ass rock of a planet has been beaming out into the cosmos, 3.5 readers.
Why, just the other day I turned on my space television in the hopes of finding a decent scripted show only to find the following reality based drivel instead:
- Who Wants to Win a Colonoscopy? – The gist is exactly as it sounds. Competitors fight for the right to have the inner workings of their hiney canals broadcast on television. Is there no level you dim bulbs will stoop to for fame?
- Cat Hoarders – Like the regular Hoarders show but the guests hoard cats. Cats under the beds, cats in the closets, cats in the walls, cats everywhere. So many cats.
- Intervention Intervention – Literally, a show about interventions for people who are addicted to holding interventions. How has your species survived this long?
3.5 readers, I grow concerned that I might actually have to invade your dumb planet just to stop the spread of your insipid reality television.
First, another year is about to end and Bookshelf Q. Battler has yet to publish a novel. I still maintain that he is the chosen one and that he will one day write a novel so well written that you will all abandon reality television and favor scripted media instead.
Second, has anyone heard from Alien Jones? I heard a rumor that your greatest earth country has elected a reality TV star as its potentate but I haven’t been able to confirm it and Jones has not been returning my calls since last Tuesday.
It’s like that little green weirdo is trying to avoid me for some reason. Strange.
Anyway, 3.5 readers, continue to slap BQB around and urge him to keep writing his novels so that reality television can be abandoned and your pitiful planet can be saved.
Potentate out.
END OF TRANSMISSION.
Movie Trailer – Ghost in the Shell (2017)
A Scarlett Johansson robot?
Yes please.
When can I order one on Amazon?
BQB here, 3.5 readers and I’m just taking a peak at the Ghost in the Shell trailer, the film based off of the Japanese manga series of the same name.
Looks cool, I suppose for those of you into Japanese cartoons (that’s one nerd trend that never appealed to me but to each their own) this won’t be new to you but it’s new to me and that’s why I dig it, it looks like something fresh, that the general moviegoing public hasn’t seen before (though apparently there was a toon version of the movie in 1995.)
It looks like it has just a hint of Blade Runner influence if you ask me.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Beauty and the Beast (2017) – Live Action Remake Trailer
Oh for the love of…
Disney is giving the live action remake treatment to Beauty and the Beast, purported to be the best story of how true love blooms despite what one looks like or don’t judge a book by its cover or what have you…
…but really it is about a French girl whose father is kidnapped by an angry dog man and then the girl trades places with her father and then she develops Stockholm syndrome and falls in love with her captor but really the only reason that love persists is because he gets turned in a handsome prince with a giant ass house and a staff of servants and a shit ton of money.
Honestly, people. You think Belle would get down with a broke ass dog monster man if he was living in a rent controlled section eight government subsidized apartment without two nickels to rub together?
“Hmm let me think if I want to be with this broke ass dog monster man and uh…no!”
Worse, Gaston, oh Gaston, yes you were a braggadocios douche but your heart was in the right place. You heard that some broad had been kidnapped by a dog monster so you went to save her ass.
Sure, you were only saving her because you thought maybe she’d fall in love with you but stop fooling yourself, ladies, that’s why any man does anything for you. From that guy you always call when you need something heavy lifted to that stranger on the subway who just gave you a piece of gum, every man hopes that the most insignificant little bit of assistance offered to a woman is going to get him laid but oh, oh my God, let’s all be hypocrites and shit on Gaston and cheer when his ass gets thrown off a roof because he wanted to save some dame.
Boo! Boo!
And yes I’ll probably see it. Damn it, Disney! You’ve hoisted me on my own petard and you get my money by making me pay to see a story you’ve already shown me yet again!
State of the Bookshelf -Taking a Poll
Happy Monday 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here.
Out of all of my half-written started then stopped stories, which one would you like to see me work on again the most?
I’m feeling a little lost so I’d like your input.
BQB’s Walking Dead Recap – Season 7, Episode 4 – “Service”
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
SPOILERS!
So tonight was all about auditing and accounting, normally very boring subjects, but when there are two missing guns, Neegan sends Rick and the gang on a wild goose chase looking for them.
A big reveal about Judith and Maggie looks like she’s up to something.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 13
Previously on Remember the Zombamo…
Wright’s shot came nowhere near Bowie.
“Ha,” Bowie said. “You couldn’t hit a tap-dancing elephant if it were right in front of you. Let’s call it a draw and…”
Bam.
Marvin Blanchard fired. His shot was true. Bowie dropped to his knees and clutched his stomach. Blood oozed out of the wound, staining his white shirt red.
Bowie aimed at Wright, but before he could pull the trigger, the knifeman fell face first into the sand.
“Foul play, sir!” Doctor Maddox shouted.
Wright clocked the old man in the face with the butt of his pistol. Blood smeared teeth popped out of the doctor’s mouth as he fell.
The old man struggled to stand up only to have his throat stomped on by Wright’s boot heel.
“I never did care for you, Maddox,” Wright said as he put his weight down on his heel to crush the old man’s wind pipe…
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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Stop Blaming Others and Own Your Suck
World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m never going to stop spreading my advice to the sucky masses on how to stop sucking until the day comes when the world is entirely suck free.
Perhaps you recognize me from one of my anti-suck self-help books:
This Suck Isn’t Going to Unsuck Itself
Sucking Around the World in Eighty Days
The Suck Cure
Suck Wars: The Suck Awakens
How to Deal with Suckers Who Suck
Why Do I Suck?
Why Do You Suck?
Why Does Everyone Around Me Suck?
Will I Ever Not Suck?
3.5 suckers, here’s today’s request for anti-suck advice:
Dear Vinny B,
I try so hard not to suck but it is not my fault. Everyone around me is a giant suck bag and they keep dragging me into their suck. I’ll never stop sucking as long as I have to be around all these sucky suckers and suck in all of their suck all day.
Really. It’s not my fault. Their suck is sucking me in.
Sincerely,
Sucks in Cleveland
Yikes. That letter really sucks, Sucks in Cleveland.
To adapt a scene from The Godfather III, it’s like you’re Michael Corleone and you thought you did everything possible to remove yourself from a world that sucks and then something happens that sucks and your response is, “Just when I thought I was out of the suck, they pull me back into the suck.”
Look. I get it. People suck. And you live in a world where people suck. It feels like the suck is unavoidable. Frankly, it often isn’t. So much suck comes right at you from every direction.
Second hand suck is very potent. If you’re not careful, sucky people can get their suck all over you and turn you into a big fat sucker.
But you can’t resign yourself to the inevitably of suck. You have to deflect the suck.
STEP 1 – DEFLECT THE SUCK
Often, you can’t beat the suck but that doesn’t mean you have to join the suck.
EXAMPLE:
YOUR FRIENDS: Hey, want to shoot heroin and then knock over a liquor store and punch a nun in the face?
YOU: No thank you. All of those activities sound like they would suck and I would rather not suck.
See? You’ve sidestepped the suck.
Listen, it would be great if you could talk everyone around you into not sucking but often that isn’t possible. Their suck is too strong and suckers will never stop sucking until they are ready to not suck.
In other words, you can’t really hold down all those suckers in your life and force them to not suck, but you can be there to help them when they come to you seeking advice on how to not suck anymore.
Some people just need to hit that rock bottom of suck before they will see the not sucking light and make the long climb up that anti-suck ladder.
Becoming a non-sucker doesn’t happen overnight.
3.5 READERS: But Vinny, avoiding the suck isn’t always that easy or straightforward.
Oh don’t I know it. Case in point:
YOU: Oh I think I will do a lot of things on my day off to prevent my life from sucking. I’m going to hit the gym and then buy some broccoli at the grocery store…
YOUR FRIEND AND/OR RELATIVE WHO SUCKS: No, I want you to sit around all day and watch TV and get fat off of pizza with me…
YOU: No, I’m going to go to the gym and…
SUCKING PERSON: Ugh but I’ll be so depressed if you leave me. Ugh stay and let’s do some hits of elephant tranquilizer.
YOU: How did you get elephant tranquilizer?
SUCKING PERSON: Bah, I know a guy at the zoo.
YOU: Well, I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch TV and get fat and take elephant tranquilizer.
SUCKING PERSON: Waah! You must really hate me. Waaah.
YOU: No, no. I don’t want you to feel like you suck. OK I’ll skip the gym and the broccoli and stay here and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer with you.
WRONG!
Absolutely wrong.
Don’t get sucked into a sucky person’s suck web.
I’m not saying don’t get help for a sucky person. If you’ve got a person in your life who sucks then do what you can to help them stop sucking, but there’s never a reason to join in on the suck.
You don’t want to become suckily codependent with someone. That’s when two people get together and decide to suck and feed off of one another’s suck. They make you suck. You make them suck. It’s just a vicious suck cycle where the suck never ends.
Thus, in the above case, you, as a person trying their best to not suck, should set a good example and try to talk to the sucker about ways to stop sucking. See if they’d be willing to talk to a professional who can help them kick their pizza, TV and elephant tranquilizer habits, but other than that, there’s no reason to suck yourself up by engaging yourself in the suck.
Don’t take elephant tranquilizer just to make an elephant tranquilizer addict happy. And moreover, don’t do something that you know sucks just to avoid making a sucky person feel bad.
Now I get it. Often the second hand suck doesn’t transfer itself that obviously.
YOU: I’m going to go to the gym and the broccoli store.
SUCKY PERSON: Eh, I need you to clean the house and do the dishes, mow the lawn, wash the cat, shine my shoes, whitewash the fence, cook a nice brisket, rub the bunions on my feet, polish the caulk in the bathroom with a toothbrush, pick all the lint out of the carpet with a pair of tweezers, trim my nose hairs, develop a cure for all diseases known to mankind and skip to the lou my darling…
YOU: Holy shit. Are you going to do anything to help?
SUCKY PERSON: Nah, I’m going to sit here and watch TV and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer.
YOU: But I don’t want to do any of that.
SUCKY PERSON: That’s cool. Just do everything else because I’m too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer.
YOU: But if I’m always doing everything because you’re too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer then I’ll never have time to go to the gym and eat broccoli.
SUCKY PERSON: That’s a bitch.
Sucky people are like ninjas. They are very stealthy with their suck. Sometimes they hit you right up front with the suck stick so you see it coming but other times they sneak the suck up on you and you don’t realize that they’ve even sucked you into their suck until you already suck.
So in that case you must…
STEP 2 – WORK AROUND THE SUCK
You’ve got a real sucker in your life and they’re constantly throwing piles of suck at you.
But you don’t want to kick that sucker to the curb because you feel like people who don’t suck should always keep trying to unsuck a sucker and I feel you.
There’s nothing wrong with being a non-sucker and still loving and/or caring about a person who sucks.
So if you feel like you can’t ditch this sucker, then work around this sucker.
Get up even earlier and go to the gym. Stay up a little later so you can go to the broccoli store.
I know. That sucks. Like an acrobat, you’re constantly dodging suck and coming up with new and creative ways to turn suck into non suck but if you’re stuck in a situation that sucks then that’s all you can do. Just keep dodging that suck and keep finding ways to make yourself not suck.
Work around that suck. You know the suck is coming. Don’t let the suck keep ramming into you. Do some fancy footwork and bypass the suck.
If you really can’t then yes, sadly…
STEP 3 – DITCH THE SUCK
Yes. I know. That thought sucks. But if the suck is truly unavoidable, you may have to put some thought into ditching that sucker.
Only you know what your sucky situation is like and only you are aware of your personal level of suck tolerance.
You don’t necessarily even have to abandon a sucker completely. You might be able to lend a non-sucky ear and a non-sucky helping hand from time to time, but if you really feel as though a sucker is dragging you down into a suck vortex, then you’ve got to jump ship and start swimming to the suck free shoreline.
In other words…
STEP 4 – ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCK
At the end of the day, life is about choices. Some people face harder choices than others. Some people are put into sucky situations that others couldn’t possibly dream of.
But bottomline you can either sit around and suck and lament and complain about how you live a sucky life because you’re trapped by all the suckers around you or you can pull yourself up and decide that you are not going to suck and you are not going to let suckers make you suck.
I do realize that some people have more sucky suckers to deal with than others but when all is said and done, only you can decide to not do things that suck.
As always, thanks for listening, keep not sucking and don’t forget to buy my anti-suck books, now available at a book store near you that does not suck.
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.
Walking Dead Chapelle’s Show on SNL
Hey 3.5 readers/Walking Dead fans.
BQB here.
Dave Chapelle parodied the Neegan baseball bat scene from The Walking Dead using Chapelle’s show characters.
Chapelle’s Show was so funny…like one of those rare sketch comedy shows where every sketch was hilarious. I wish he’d made more.
Anyway, here it is:
Movie Review – Shut In (2016)
It’s a diet coke version of The Shining.
Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.
What? Word count too low?
:::rolls eyes:::
Fine!
BQB here with a review of the horror thriller, Shut In.
OBLIGTORY SPOILER WARNING
You know 3.5 readers, I always assumed you all are shut ins. After all, if you all aren’t a trio and a half of anti-social home dwelling hermits then I have no idea why else you would bother to read this blog.
Moving on…
When her mentally disturbed stepson, Stephen (Charlie Heaton who plays the creepy Jonathan Byers in Stranger Things) is injured in a terrible accident, psychiatrist Mary Portman (Naomi Watts) ends up shut in (hence the title!) her Maine home, spending her days nursing him back to health.
Meanwhile, Mary is also treating another troubled but much younger boy named Tom (Jacob Tremblay) out of her home office.
Blah blah blah. Spooky shit ensues. There’s a ridiculous amount of time wasted as all sorts of hi jinx ensue and you know Mary is in danger but they make you wait forever until finally the other shoe drops.
I’ve always been a Naomi Watts fan and it was good to see her back in action and also with some side nudity.
I know. I’m not supposed to notice such things but oh well.
Between his gig on Stranger Things and now this movie, Charlie Heaton has a lock on creepy teenager roles.
STATUS: Moderately shelf-worthy. Follows every horror movie trope. It felt a bit like a straight to streaming movie (the modern equivalent of straight to video) except Naomi Watts starred so it became theater worthy, but that’s just me talking out of my ass. It’s worth checking out but don’t rush to the theater. Worth a rental or to wait until it is streaming.
Bookshelf Battle 