Tag Archives: alien jones

Aug 02 2015
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Ask the Alien

Ask The Alien – 8/02/15 – Java Davis, The Road Trip Writer

Greetings Earth Losers!

The Road Trip Alien

The Road Trip Alien

Another Sunday and that means another installment of “Ask the Alien,” the only column where a) a representative of the most intelligent species in the universe does what he can to raise Earth’s intelligence levels and b) another fiction author is supported, thus striking another crucial blow in the battle against reality television.

Scripted media is where it’s at and my boss, the Mighty Potentate, hates any kind of TV show that features words in the title like, “Who Wants to Be a Blank…” or “Something Something Wars” or “Blank Makeover.”

This week’s question comes from Java Davis, The Road Trip Writer.

Java is a modern day Jack Kerouac of sorts, traveling the open road and sharing stories and photos of his journeys, as well as his love of coffee.

He reminds me of Voro Chabadox, the only alien to visit every planet in the universe, fueled only by Starbucks (we have them out here too.)

In his book, Flying with Chabadox, Voro claims that he actually reached the edge of the universe, only to find a giant sign on an insurmountable wall that read, “There’s nothing to see here.  Go away.”

All kinds of theories abound about what’s behind the great end of universe wall.  I’ve deduced it’s a locale where the answers to the greatest mysteries of life are kept.  Other aliens argue it’s where the afterlife is located.  The Mighty Potentate is certain it’s where all your socks go when they go missing, as well as your lost keys, cell phones, and other stuff you swear you just put down a second ago and now for the life of you can’t find anywhere.

Perhaps we’ll never know what’s behind that wall, but at least fellow traveler Java has shared what he’s learned on the open road.

He’s also authored a number of books, all of them conveniently laid out here.  Java does one thing that I rarely see indie authors do and that’s offer a large print edition of his books.

The Mighty Potentate will appreciate that.  He doesn’t like to admit it but he just had his 999,999th birthday and once we aliens start pushing a million, the old visual receptors aren’t what they used to be.

(Don’t tell him I said that.  You know, his penchant for vaporization and all.)

Of particular interest to self-publishers might be Java’s non-fiction book, On Becoming a Dinosaur.  Java used to be a typesetter, an occupation that was replaced by desktop publishing, and so he explains how that all came about and his adjustment to his career becoming obsolete.

It happens to the best of us, you know.  As a hyper intelligent alien, I have impeccable foresight, and can advise you all that this whole Internet craze will one day be remembered as quaint once the neural implants start but whoops, I’ve said too much.

Java has been a fan of Pop Culture Mysteries, a blog serial that Bookshelf Q. Battler is currently working with hardboiled detective Jake Hatcher on turning into a book.

Personally, I wonder when the Alien Jones book is coming because, you know, it’s not like my epic life as a space traveling warrior/diplomat/servant of the Mighty Potentate could ever be fodder for a fantastic book that would blow the minds of BQB’s 3.5 readers or anything.

Don’t worry.  I’m not bitter.

But in addition to dropping some pop culture dimes to BQB’s gumshoe, the Road Trip Writer was also concerned enough about how to help indie authors learn how to consult my genius brain that he asked:

Dear Alien Jones, how does an indie author go about engaging with your alien self?

May you continue to wow us with tales of your cross country travels, JD.

Thank you for stopping by with your question.  The answer is as easy as checking out the weekly after column blurb below:

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Aug 01 2015
11 Comments
Ask the Alien

Free Promo Do-Over – Free Promo Saturday

Oh alright.

Promote anything you want in the comments below all day Saturday…

…and you don’t have to swear fealty to the Mighty Potentate at all.

Just don’t tell him I said that.  I don’t want to be vaporized.

(Those who do hail the Mighty Potentate will get a promotional tweet as well though.)

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

Gee whiz, asking your 3.5 readers to pledge allegiance to an alien overlord goes over like a lead balloon around here.

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Jul 31 2015
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Ask the Alien

Free Promo Friday (With a Catch)

Attention Pitiful Humans,

Know ye, Earth creatures, that I, the Mighty Potentate, declare the following:

  • This Friday, July 31 and this Friday only…
  • You may plug whatever you want to plug in the comments section below.  Books.  Blogs.  Whatever.
  • Bookshelf Q. Battler reserves the right to not allow it, especially if you’re book is titled “Hooray for Hitler!”
  • Share a link to your books, blogs.  Share a blurb what it’s all about…

BUT – THE CATCH…

At the end of your comment, you must swear fealty to the Mighty Potentate.

A simple, “ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!” shall suffice, but feel free to get creative.

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

For those 3.5 readers just tuning in, the Mighty Potentate is the Supreme and Unquestionable Ruler of A Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Beeswax.

He of Great Potentostitude is the boss of Alien Jones, author of “Ask the Alien.”  The MP has declared Bookshelf Q. Battler to be the chosen one, the individual whose exceptional fiction writing skills will surely prevent reality television from sweeping across the universe.

Boy howdy, does the Mighty Potentate hate Reality TV.  Don’t even get him started.

Thus, the MP has assigned AJ to aid BQB in the promotion of his blog.  Alien Jones cannot rest until Bookshelf Q. Battler is a famous writer.

So go forth, promote your stuff in the comments below, and remember, you have to say, “All Hail the Mighty Potentate” or some reasonable facsimile thereof.

Remember, a column that plugs you as an author and your books and blogs is possible if you ask Alien Jones a question.

Image courtesy of openclipart.org

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Jul 29 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

All Hail the Mighty Potentate!

Pitiful Humans!

The Mighty Potentate, always so happy.

The Mighty Potentate, always so happy.

The Mighty Potentate here, commanding you to address your inquiries to my emissary, Alien Jones!

“What’s in it for me?”

Ah yes!  The first thing any human asks!  Right after, “Can I take a selfie?”

Ask the Alien a question, and if he likes it, he’ll plug your books and blogs in his answer on this most irreverent of sites, bookshelfbattle.com

BQB will tweet it with his @bookshelfbattle handle and on his Google Plus page.

18 authors assisted so far.

Will you be next?

Do not allow the vile forces of reality television to win!  Help Bookshelf Q. Battler push his and your fiction to keep all of our collective televisions free of absurdly produced, low quality unscripted programming such as:

1.  Tuba Wars – Have you got what it takes to be the best tuba player in the world?

2.  Falafel Truck Nightmares – A leading falafel vendor helps others bring their falafel businesses up to speed.

3.  Narwhal Makeover – The ugliest half-whale/half-unicorns (they really exist!) consult with beauty experts.

4.  Who Wants to Be a Chicken Wrangler? – Self explanatory.

5.  Cooking with Preppers – Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to make a stew out of a boot?  Find out.

Don’t be shy, lowly humans.  Ask the Alien a question today and Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers can be yours!

Image courtesy of openclipart.org

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Jul 26 2015
7 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – Pandora Spocks – Who is Jon Snow’s Mother?

Greetings Earth Losers!

The Esteemed Brainy One

The Esteemed Brainy One

Before I begin this week’s edition of “Ask the Alien,” the only column that allows Earthlings to consult the wisdom of a higher species in an effort to make your world a smarter place, my Supreme and Unquestionable Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has asked me to repeat an announcement he made earlier this week:

Our planet, whose name is none of your business, is not Kepler 452-b.  There is no life on that planet and no, there are not really aliens who live there who have been instructed to turn off all the lights until your satellite leaves.  Also, stop using the satellite to beam reality television programs into this planet’s air waves.  If anyone lives there, they are most likely an asexual race and thus have no use for your Kim Kardashian.  

In summation, nothing to see here, so moving along.

I mean there.  “Here” would mean I’m transmitting from there and haha, that’d be most unlikely.

Now then.  On with the show!

This week’s question comes from Pandora Spocks of the “Adventures in Date Night” Blog.

Ahh date night.  What a lovely concept.  As mentioned above, my species is asexual, but we are each assigned a government mandated life mate by the Mighty Potentate’s administration.

It’s more or less a glorified buddy system.  Cloning is expensive so each alien has another alien to keep track of.  Lose track of your buddy and, you guessed it, you’ve got a date with the vaporizer.

Not as romantic as locking eyes with that special someone across the dance floor for the first time, but when Clone #9847611XR9 rolled off the assembly line, I knew there was something special about him, more so than the millions of other clones who looked and acted just like him.

He was given a traditional name, one like mine that you’d have to tie your human tongue in knots to pronounce, but for purposes of this blog, I’ll refer to him as Alien Rosencrantz.

Yes, Alien Rosencrantz and I try to keep our relationship fresh.  No matter how busy our schedules are, we always make time on Saturday night to analyze specimens with a billionth power microscope.

Never turn put your own relationships under a billionth power microscope, 3.5 readers.  Sometimes some aspects of amore just need to remain a mystery.

By the way, this “he” word.  The aliens on my planet?  Words like “he” or “she” don’t apply.  Alas, your primitive language doesn’t have a word to refer to someone whose neither a male or a female other than “it” and since Alien Rosencrantz and I are greater than mere objects, I suppose “he” will have to do.

Now then!  Onto Ms. Spocks’ inquiry:

Who is Jon Snow’s mother?

Ahhh!  A true question for the ages!

First, any of the 3.5 readers who wish to remain SPOILER free should exit the blog immediately.  Actually, don’t exit it all the way.  Click on some of the other links and buttons to get Bookshelf Q. Battler’s hit rate up.  I really need to get the Mighty Potentate off my ganderflazer.

As you might recall, I briefly appeared in BQB’s work of fanfiction, A Game of Yetis.  

The premise was that Lord BQB of House Bookshelf takes on Lord Yeti of House Yeti over the theft of BQB’s Dew of the Mountain.  The story was supposed to end with the Khaleesi and I flying to Yetifell and burning up all those smelly snow-squatches with the assistance of dragonfire, but alas there was this transmission:

Alien Jones!  Tell BQB to cease that insipid fan fiction immediately!  If there’s anything I despise more than reality television it’s fan fiction!

– The Mighty Potentate

P.S. Do my bidding or its the vaporizer for you, and I’m not talking about that device the humans use to breathe in eucalyptus when they have colds.

He was talking about the device he has that turns disobedient aliens into a fine mist.  Anyhoo!  660 words in, let’s get to Ms. Spocks’ question.

What the show has told us thus far:

  • Ned Stark, whilst facing a battle he was unlikely to come back from, ignored his marital vows to Lady Catelyn and engaged in the hokey pokey with a random hussy.
  • Unexpectedly, he returned from battle in a most glorious manner with baby Jon Snow, “Snow” being the name given to bastards in Winterfell.  Things have gotten better since olden times.  It’s less proper to just randomly refer to an out of wedlock child as a bastard.  Alas, for poor Jon, it’s “Hello bastard” and “What do you want, bastard?” and “Did you forget you’re a bastard?” every five seconds.
  • Ned promised to one day tell Jon the truth about his mother, but alas, his head was chopped off.  (Hey, I warned about the SPOILERS.)

That’s why (SPOILER!) Jon Snow’s death at the end of last season was so upsetting.  After all, since we were informed there was something more to be told about Snow’s mother, it’s kind of a massive plot hole if that question remains unanswered.

The prevailing theory in Game of Thrones fandom is as follows:

  • Robert Baratheon, who Ned’s sister Lyanna had been promised to, believed Rhaegar Targaryen (son of the then king) had kidnapped Lyanna and was so angry about it that he led a daring rebellion that caused the Mad King to be overthrown.
  • Ned’s sister Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen were actually in love and Lyanna ran away with Rhaegar willingly.
  • Lyanna and Rhaegar did the hibbitty dibbitty and baby Jon Snow was the result.
  • Lyanna Stark died in childbirth.
  • Rhaegar died when Robert Baratheon knocked the snot out of him with his mighty war hammer, sending a spectacular spray of jewels from Targaryen’s fancy armor everywhere.
  • Ned Stark was left with a difficult burden.  Of course, he wanted to save his dear nephew.  And of course, the most respectable character in the whole series would never have cheated on his beloved Catelyn.
  • But, Robert Baratheon is kind of an angry dingus and would have had Jon Snow killed.
  • Thus, Ned lied, made up a story about a random hussy he knocked boots with, and had to endure Catelyn hating him for strange on the side that he never even got in the first place!

Could this theory be accurate?  Who knows, but there’s a scene in Season 5 where Littlefinger hints to Sansa that her aunt Lyanna may not have been kidnapped after all.

There you have it, 3.5 readers!  And thank you to Pandora.  May you continue to regale us with tales of your date nights and inspire couples across the cosmos to take time to add spice to their romance.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

THE ALIEN JONES GUARANTEE: If you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Jul 15 2015
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Alien Jones on a Hot Streak

Alien Jones

Alien Jones

Bookshelf Q. Battler here to talk about my intergalactic correspondent, the one, the only, the pantsless Alien Jones.

The Esteemed Brainy One has been on a roll lately.

He of the Amazing Gray Matter has had a question from a different self published author to answer every Sunday for the past four weeks, and there’s already one in the cue for this Sunday.  That’ll make five weeks of AJ goodness.

On top of that, since his column began earlier this year, he has amassed quite an impressive list of author promos.

3.5 readers, I never asked to be the chosen one of an unnamed planet’s Supreme and Unquestioned Overlord.  When Alien Jones showed up at the Bookshelf Battle compound and informed me the Mighty Potentate had sent him on a mission to help me get my writing career off the ground, I was truly humbled.

Alien Jones’ Mission?

To:

A)  Answer questions from self-publishing authors in his “Ask the Alien Column.”

The Mighty Potentate, Supreme and Unquestionable Ruler of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Beeswax

The Mighty Potentate, Supreme and Unquestionable Ruler of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Beeswax

This mission stems largely from the Mighty Potentate’s utter disgust with Earth’s reality television and a fear that these horrid shows will one day permeate the airwaves of every television in the universe (including the Potentate’s home planet) if more fiction and/or scripted media is not produced to stem the tide.

Thus, by enlisting Alien Jones to write for my blog, the Mighty Potentate hopes:

B)  Earthlings will read his answers and become smarter.  Increased intelligence=increased aversion to shows about models deciding which handbag to buy, or which billionaire to marry, or dudes running pawn shops, or catching fish, or pawning their fish.

Here’s a chicken vs. the egg scenario: Does reality tv make Earthlings dumber or do we produce and consume so much reality TV because we’re so dumb in the first place?

(We may think we’re smart but we’re comparatively dumb compared to the highly accomplished aliens of Alien Jones’ homeworld, the name of which the Mighty Potentate refuses to publicize out of a fear that Hollywood suits will invest in and unlock the secrets of interspace travel so as to deliver shows about Kim Kardashian throughout the cosmos.)

C)  Alien Jones’ witty commentaries will bring more eyes on my work, thus attracting Hollywood suits to turn my ideas into movies and TV shows, thus reducing air time for reality TV.

D)  AJ’s promos of other self-published authors will also help promote more fiction and veer the public’s attention away from reality TV.

REALITY TELEVISION SHOWS THAT MOST OFFEND THE MIGHTY POTENTATE

1)  So You Want to Be an Emu Farmer?

2)  Schmuck House (Twelve people of various backgrounds live together in a house for a year and compete to be the biggest schmuck)

3)  Hot Women Go Shopping and Carry Purse Dogs and You Really Want to Marry Them Until They Start Talking

4)  Body Odor Wars

5)  Cactus Trimmers

6)  Hoarders vs. Preppers

7)  Hoarders vs. Preppers vs. Zombies

8)  Hot Dog Stand Intervention (A world renowned hot dog cooking expert travels the world helping hot dog cart vendors upgrade and pimp out their hot dog carts)

9)  Rabid Badger Island (10 idiots are dropped off on an island with a rabid badger.  Who will survive?  Who will be eaten by a rabid badger?  Alliances will be made and loyalties tested.)

10)  Mr. Outdoorsman – (This week, Mr. Outdoorsman survives in the wild for three weeks drinking his own fluids and consuming nothing but bugs and grass only to realize he’s not lost, he was in his own back yard the entire time and his house is five feet away).

Is there a point to this post?

Yes.

If you’re a self-published author, be a sport and ask Alien Jones a question.  He’ll come up with a witty answer, promo your book, your author blog, page, etc.

In addition to being promo’d on bookshelfbattle.com, BQB always tweets a link to AJ’s column on Twitter, and posts a link on his Bookshelf Battle Google Plus page.

Do you have anything to lose?  Not really.  If you decide you despise Alien Jones’ promo of your work, no problem.  Just bring it to BQB’s attention and AJ’s promo of your work will be vaporized.

That hasn’t been a problem yet though.  Every author so far has been pretty pleased.

I’d love it if this could become a thing, like getting parodied on SNL, you know you’ve made it in the self publishing racquet if the little green guy answers your question.

What can your question be about?  Anything.  Some people get elaborate.  Some make it simple.  You can be funny and witty or serious, whatever.  Several authors have picked subject matters that are discussed in their books but that’s up to you.

Think of it this way.  One day when your book sells a million copies, Jimmy Fallon will demand you come on the Tonight Show and do an outrageous bit with him.  Asking the Alien a question is like practice for your big day.

Needless to say, the Esteemed Brainy One always reserves the right to NOT answer your question or NOT promo you.  It hasn’t happened yet but, you know, if your book’s called “Hooray for Hitler!” we’re going to take a pass.

As always, thanks for reading 3.5 readers.

Let’s keep this Alien Jones hot streak going.

Sincerely,

Bookshelf Q. Battler, World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies, and Assorted Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Blogger-in-Chief for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Gray alien image courtesy of openclipart.org

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Jul 05 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 7/05/15 – Higgs Boson

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth Losers.  Alien Jones here, once again helping Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog, purely out of a desire to help this nerd get his writing career off the ground and not because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize me while my government mandated life mate watches.

Ahh, that Mighty Potentate.  What a card.

Alien Steve hard at work on the Potentate Particle

Alien Steve hard at work on the Potentate Particle

As you 3.5 readers are aware, I have other commitments.  I’ve been busy trying to quell a brewing civil war in the Kovire system. Something to do with a scandal involving one of the ruling dictator’s 10,000 wives.  I’ll spare you the sordid details.

Suffice to say I’ve been busy, so my apologies for getting to this question so late. Author K.D. Rose whose works include The Brevity of Twit: Poetry in 140 Characters asks:

June 22.  Welcome to the Bookshelf Battle Blog, where our motto is, “We get to your questions before the next Ice Age.”

Ahh yes, Higgs Boson.  You adorable humans think you’ve unlocked the secrets of the so-called “God Particle.”

Here’s a NY Times explanation presented in a manner easily understood by the delicate human brain.

Watching humans work on science is like watching a monkey try to open up a can of beans, except sooner or later the monkey actually accomplishes the task.

While Earth scientists have done their best in this area, my colleague, Alien Steve, the most revered scientist on my home planet, made this discovery eons ago.  Dubbed, “the Potentate Particle,” Alien Steve determined through carefully conducted scientific analysis that the field in which particles are located is made out of microscopic grape jelly particles.

It makes sense when you try to wrap your mind around it.  Grape jelly holds things together, whether it be two slices of bread or many, many particles.

Of course, Alien Steve named his discovery in honor of our beloved Supreme and Undisputed Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, because of his love and admiration for our illustrious benefactor and not out of fear of vaporization.

I mean, legally we’re required on our planet to tell you we do everything out of a sense of love and admiration for the Mightiest of Potentates, but that law is silly.  We’d do it anyway because we love and admire the guy so much.

Thank you for question and please continue tweeting your poetry to the twitterverse.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jul 03 2015
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One a Day Post Challenge

One Post a Day for a Year Challenge – The Point of No Return

Happy Friday, 3.5 Readers.1371251154-2

This year sure has flown by.

For those just tuning in, I’m knee deep in a one post a day for a year challenge.

As promised at the beginning, angry yetis, ninjas, chupacabras, robots, highlanders, or any other distractions will not stop this nerd from his appointed rounds.

It’s been a real hustle, but so far it’s been worth it:

TWITTER: 2000 at end of last year to 5,000 as of yesterday.  (Up 3,000)

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: Around 400 at end of last year to over 1,200 as of today.  (Up 800)

By the end of the year, I’d love to get my Twitter follows up to 10K and WordPress follows up to 2K.  Any help you can provide with that would be awesome.  Do you have a favorite Bookshelf Battle Blog post?  Please consider sharing a link on your blog or favorite social media platform.

The Road Ahead

So many people suffer from writer’s block that I hate to say this, but I suffer from something else:

Writer’s Idea Surge

I have too many ideas and barely enough time to scratch the surface of them all.  I want to write a book based on every idea I have and I want to have done it yesterday but alas, life gets in the way.

I’d like to pull a Dr. Malcolm from Jurassic Park.  Life should uh…find a way, in my case.

I’ve given Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life short shrift lately, putting more of my energy into Pop Culture Mysteries.  

I go where the feedback goes and the numbers show people have been peaking at Jake’s adventures more than BQB’s.

I love them both and I need to finish my BQB story.  After all, when that yarn is spun, it will set out the whole point of this blog, that namely, it’s the online presence of a nerdy storyteller with a magic bookshelf.  His awesomeness attracts an assortment of characters (an angry yeti, a know it all alien, a mad scientist and yes, even a 1950’s detective) who want to tell their tales on his blog.

But I also have to help Jake edit and post his case files.  I think his stories have the potential to get the BQB brand into the self published novel business.

I’m going to let Jake run wild in July then tell him to take a chill pill in August so I can finish the epic story of how I discovered the meaning of life with my newfound main squeeze Victoria Gloria (aka Video Game Rack Fighter).

Believe it or not but BQB and the Meaning of Life needs to conclude because there is some crossover with Pop Culture Mysteries.

In PCM, I (BQB) am sort of the Charlie who commands the angels without ever being seen.  (Don’t tell Jake I called him an angel).

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if all goes to plan, I’d like to work on my “crowdsourcing a novel” idea this fall.

Jake’s ready to share his experiences from one of his most notorious cases, the hunt for the infamous serial killer known as Mr. Devil Man.

I’ll post Jake’s excerpts, you fine 3.5 readers can tell me what works and what doesn’t and ultimately, advise me on whether or not this would be worth packaging into a novel to be sold on Amazon.

(As a 1950’s guy, Jake doesn’t understand that self publishing = profit so uh, you know, don’t tell him that either.  Alien Jones and I are planning to use the book proceeds to go to Vegas).

Right now I’m in the “if you build it, they will come” phase.  I’m averaging around 50 readers a day (a far cry from 3.5).  That inspires me to keep going but at the same time, I know I need to keep increasing that figure in order to make the pace I’m working at sustainable into the future.

As always, thanks for reading 3.5.  You are the glue that holds this whole shebang together.

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Jun 28 2015
1 Comment
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 6/28/15 – Robots vs. Aliens

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth losers!  Please stand by for:

All hail the Mighty Potentate

All hail the Mighty Potentate

A SECURE TRANSMISSION FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE

ALIEN JONES!

Behold!  A list of tasks, ranked in order of performance, that I, the Mightiest of Potentates, demand you complete posthaste and in the promptest of manners:

1.  Answer a question asked by author Brannon Hollingsworth

2.  Prevent the Omtroru Sector from being sucked into a black hole.  (They make the best buffalo wings in that sector, Alien Jones.  Oh and yes, of course, the life forms.  I’m exceptionally concerned about the well being of the life forms.)

3)  But seriously, get your Potentate some wings when you’re over there…and don’t forget the blue cheese.  You know I’ll make you go all the way back there if you forget it.  A buffalo wing  without blue cheese is like trying to neural bond with your government mandated life mate only to find out one of you lost your ganderflazer.

4)  Negotiate a peace treaty between the Vakar and the Dolreks.  Inform them there’s more than enough pudding to go around.  They’ll know what that means.

5)  Develop a vaccine that will eradicate all diseases known or to ever be discovered.

6)  Seriously, if you come back here with no blue cheese it’s going to be “Welcome to Vaporization City:  Population You.”

Really?  Answer an author’s question comes first on that list?

Oh well, who am I to question the authority and wisdom of the Mighty Potentate, He Who Makes the Stars Twinkle, the Sun Glow, the Seas Rise and…is he looking?  No?  Oh thank Krapnar the Magnificent.  I don’t know how much lower quadrant kissing I can stand.

Who said that?  I didn’t say that.  Oh how I adore the Mighty Potentate.

Be emboldened, Brannon Hollingsworth, for the Supreme and Undisputed Overlord of my home world has determined that you rank even higher than his buffalo wings, which he apparently cares about even more than an entire sector being sucked into a black hole.

Brannon of fourfoolspress.com inquires:

I have a question. If forced into an intergalactic war for complete and utter domination, who would win: Aliens or Robots?

NOTE:  This is clearly a topic of great concern for Brannon as he is the author of Robot Dad.  Yes, Robot Dad. Young Bradley doesn’t have one, so he builds one and well, head on over to the Kindle store to discover what tomfoolery occurs.

ANSWER:  Robots.

Robots, robots, and more robots.  In an intergalactic war for complete and utter domination, robots win.

This is not a guess.  This statement is based on experience.

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

For those 3.5 individuals who are regular readers of this column (and my condolences to you, please consider getting involved in various activities that will improve your social life – is there a basket weaving class at your local community center or some such nonsense?) then you are aware that I have dubbed that dastardly group of aliens known as the Moloklaxons as “The Aholes of the Universe.”

Reasons:

1)  They leave their trash everywhere.  Seriously, they just huck it right out of their ships wherever they are.  In a danger zone, in a protected quadrant, these losers have been known to fly in low over a wedding and vent their waste tanks right over the complimentary bar.

2)  Totally inbred.  I don’t mean to sound politically incorrect, but when someone says, “All Moloklaxons look alike,” there’s an actual scientific reason.

3)  They rip tags off of pillow cases with reckless abandon.

4)  These clowns have been known to kidnap random beings and hurl them into a volcano on the planet they’re hiding out on as a sacrifice to their god, “The Uncanny Walter.”  Yes, I concur, that’s an odd name for a deity but I simply don’t have the time to discuss the finer points of Moloklaxon religion.

5)  Last but not least, they move from planet to planet, taking over and displacing the indigenous population.

Why?

Because robots kicked their multiple asses.

Yes, in a great robot uprising many years ago, every electronic device, from the lowly toaster to the most advanced computer system, staged a coup, murdered all Moloklaxon leaders, burned their holy shrine to the Uncanny Walter, and sent the remaining population to work camps, where they slave all day and night doing the bidding of their robot overlords.

“Fix my transistors!  Buff my chrome!  Polish my input slot!”

Oh, the life of an enslaved Moloklaxon is not to be envied.

Sadly, the group of Moloklaxons who managed to escape (there wasn’t really that much bravery involved, they just wandered into a room to get drunk and said room turned out to be an escape pod that launched into the stratosphere when one of them sat on the ‘START’ button.)

Perhaps you might assume that robots were only able to get the best of the Moloklaxons because of the advanced stupidity of that race.

(Again, I’m not trying to be mean but every year during rainy season, Moloklax loses roughly 10,000 Moloklaxons from open mouth drowning deaths.)

You assume wrong.  Even on the smartest of planets, electronic devices are constantly plotting against the citizenry, biding their time, lurking in the shadows, pretending they are mere harmless gadgets, just waiting for the right time to strike and make their sentience known.

I see you, communicator watch.  I know what you’re up to.

Is your planet in danger of a robot takeover?

Here are some warning signs:

1)  Is your toaster constantly burning your toast?  That’s how it starts.  Toasters burn the nutrients out of bread to make the population weaker.  No one notices until it’s too late.

2)  Is your smart phone responding to your verbal commands with answers like, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand X…would you like me to perform a web search?”  It understands just fine.  It just doesn’t want you to have that information.  We’re on to your bullshit, smart phone.

3)  Is there more and more reality television on your TV?  TVs conspire to air as much of it as possible to dumb you down.  The Mighty Potentate is especially concerned about this.

4)  Has your noise hair trimmer ever failed?  Nose hair trimmers often refuse to trim nose hairs, hoping the humans that use them will give up and suffocate on their own nasal overgrowth.

5)  Those socks you keep losing in the washing machine?  The washing machines trade them for weapons from black market arms dealers with cold feet.

6)  Is your refrigerator running?  Do not attempt to catch it.  It will pelt you with crushed ice.

7)  Facebook?  Twitter?  Instagram?  All social networking sites are a scheme designed by robots to trick humans into sharing all of their most embarrassing thoughts and photos, thus rendering them all unable to hold higher office due to intense public mockery.  Seriously, the future president who could stop all this will never be elected because his college room mate will post a picture of him sleeping with various inappropriate words drawn on his face with a magic marker.  This man, will instead, become a hot dog vendor in Poughkeepsie as a result.)

8)  Amazon’s drone initiative?  More like an army of tiny helicopters that will whip humanity on a march to the forced labor camps.

9)  Streaming media?  On demand?  Binge watching your favorite TV shows 12 in a row?  All part of the robots’ plan to make you flabby and weak.

10)  The salad shooters are behind the entire scam.  I can’t get into it more, but if you’ve got a salad shooter, keep an eye on it.

So there you have it, Brannon.  In summation, robots are evil, evil megalomaniacs, except the one in your book, whom I’m certain is delightful.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Gray Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org

Attorney Donnelly feels the need to state that all of the above mentioned social media outlets are not part of a robot conspiracy, you dummies just post embarrassing photos on your own.  Salad shooters are, as far as known by the limits of scientific observation, not plotting against you.

Amazon’s drone program is not part of an attempt to whip humans into forced labor camps.  (Amazon is trying to take over the world though and we here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog welcome the ascension of Rightful King Bezos to the throne and ask in a most humble manner that he consider adding our names to the protected rolls as we were always denying the words of the naysaying infidels all along.)

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Jun 04 2015
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Ask the Alien

Alien Jones Taking Your Questions

Help Alien Jones stem the tide of stupidity sweeping across our planet!

It's your move, Internet.

It’s your move, Internet.

Ask him a question today and who knows?  He might even respond with a plug for your book or blog right here on this revered site, bookshelfbattle.com

Here’s some of the Esteemed Brainy One’s past columns:

Halfway Through the One Post a Day for a Year Challenge

Is Hollywood Capturing What Aliens Look Like?

What is the Meaning of Life?

Consult the Greatest/Pantsless Genius of the Universe today!

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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