ANNOUNCER: This Fall, there’s a new duo of law men in town:
BQB: Yeti! Where did you put the evidence from the Coopatelli Murder investigation?
YETI: Um, you mean I wasn’t supposed to eat it?
BQB: (Arms folded in a stern manner) Yeti!
(Cue canned laughtrack)
ANNOUNCER: You’ve heard of good cop, bad cop? Try bad cop, hairy cop!
BQB: Start squealing, stool pigeon, or we’ll run ya’ in downtown, see?
SUSPECT: I’ll talk! I’ll talk! :::Sneezes uncontrollably::: Just get that big white dog man away from me! He’s shedding like crazy and I feel like every breathe I take I’m consuming 5 pounds of hair!
YETI: 10 pounds, but who’s counting, comrade?
ANNOUNCER: They threw out the rule book a long time ago. These two play by their own set of rules.
CAPTAIN: (pounds fist on desk) – Damn it, BQB and the Yeti! Ever since that stunt you two idiots pulled, the Mayor’s been so far up my ass I had to cancel my colonoscopy! What do you morons have to say for yourselves?
BQB: I hate Yetis?
YETI: This bores me. I must watch more Olga.
ANNOUNCER: They always get their man…
BQB: Any last words, punk?
SUSPECT: It was just a lousy tag on a mattress! It was itchy! I’ll sew it back on if it’s such a big deal!
BQB: Sew this, creep!
(Yeti roundhouse kicks the bad guy upside the cranium).
ANNOUNCER: And they always get their women…
KATEE SACKHOFF: Hi. I’m perennial nerd fantasy Katee Sackhoff and I’m pretending to have the hots for BQB because the network paid me.
SHE-YETI: And I’m a random extra the network covered with a bunch of sewn together mops and paid me five bucks for the day to pretend to be a she-yeti.
BQB: That’s some impressive acting, ladies!
YETI: Neither of you are worthy of licking Olga’s boots!
ANNOUNCER: Action! Drama! Explosions! Car chases! Romance! And a big ass hairy snow beast that just won’t go away! Coming to your TV this Fall…BQB AND THE YETI: BUDDY COPS!
Had I been able to afford the $600 required to get Broken Lizard to tape a 45 second video written by me (now sold out):
The Super Troopers in the station, reading books.
FARVA: What’re all you chickenf$%kers doing?
THORNY: We’re reading books.
RABBIT: Yeah, they were recommended by Bookshelf Q. Battler
FARVA: What? That a-hole only has 3.5 readers what does he know?
MAC: You don’t even know how to read, Farva.
FARVA: Do too! (grabs a book) – “It was…uh…the best…of times? It was the…ahh f$%k it I’m going to Dimpus Burger.”
I don’t know. Something like that. Short and sweet. Not much you can do in 45 seconds. Alas, I couldn’t justify dropping 600 bucks, as awesome as it would have been.
Anyway, the original Super Troopers movie was great and I’m glad to see the Broken Lizard boys are back at it. They started a campaign on Indiegogo to raise $2 million to create a sequel and met the goal on their first day. Now the more they collect, the better the movie will be.
Bears. Ninjas. Aliens. Asteroids. Highlanders. All have tried to get between me and my computer in a vain effort to stop me from bringing you a daily dose of Bookshelf Battle wit and wisdom. All have failed. Alas, evildoers don’t want your blog feeds to be filled with this much awesome. So here are a few more hypotheticals as to what dangers may unfold against my blog challenge, and how I will circumvent them so as to continue to bring you ongoing, uninterrupted book bloggery.
QUESTION: Apes.
ANSWER: What?
QUESTION: You are transported to the legendary Planet of the Apes. As a human, they afford you no rights and keep you as a slave. They will not allow you a computer to post on your blog.
ANSWER: I would lead a human slave revolution, overpower my simian captors, steal their computers, and blog about my victory.
QUESTION: You are placed onto a large, oversized slingshot.
ANSWER: A fear that constantly keeps me up at night. Go on.
QUESTION: You are loaded onto the slingshot at midnight, the enormous rubber band holding you is snapped, and scientific and mathematical analysis indicates that it takes 24 hours for a person snapped with an enormous slingshot to circumvent the circumference of the globe. You will spend an entire day in the air without any electronic devices.
ANSWER: Simple. I guide my carcass to the nearest flock of birds and explain to them that I need them to fly to the earth, abscond with a cell phone, and fly it back up to me. I use the phone to post, then have the birds return it to its rightful owner.
QUESTION: You’re on Dexter’s table.
ANSWER: Ridiculous! Only bad people end up on Dexter’s table! I am a delight!
QUESTION: He believes your blog is making people dumber. He has you wrapped up tight with saran wrap and is ticking off a list of reasons of how your posts make people stupid. His sharp knife is at the ready.
ANSWER: I offer to work his lumberjack job for him for a month if he lets me go. If that fails, I flex my muscles, break out of the saran wrap, and overpower the Bay Harbor Butcher. I then use his phone to post on my site.
QUESTION: Jabba the Hutt has frozen you in carbonite.
ANSWER: Preposterous. Hutts only freeze people who owe them money.
QUESTION: He took your Super Bowl action. A thousand space bucks on the Seahawks? Idiot.
ANSWER: Princess Leia will rescue me.
QUESTION: She doesn’t give a crap.
ANSWER: Luke.
QUESTION: Also doesn’t give a crap.
ANSWER: And I can’t reason with Jabba?
QUESTION: Nope. Admit it. You’re stumped.
ANSWER: I admit nothing. Clearly you have forgotten my signature move – the muscle flex. Everyone forgets the muscle flex. Ropes, chains, saran wrap, carbonite – I let the bad guys think they’ve beaten me and then…BAM! MUSCLE FLEX! And I have busted out of captivity. And then I steal Jabba’s phone and post. I post that I have defeated Mighty Jabba.
Greetings Earth Losers. Alien Jones here to answer your questions and
pump your planet full of extraterrestrial intelligence.
Why? No offense, but your planet is dumb. Very dumb. There are no words to express its level of dumbositude. So very, very, very dumb.
This week I answer a question from none other than Blogger-in-Chief, Bookshelf Q. Battler, who continues to be a Yeti hostage:
Alien Jones! BQB here.
Pixels – WTF?
WTF indeed, BQB. WTF indeed.
Feast your vision receptacles on this trailer, insignificant humans:
Pixels Trailer – Sony Pictures Entertainment
Coming to a theater near you this summer…assuming the North Koreans are cool with it.
To elaborate on BQB’s “WTF” I will ask and answer questions I assume are on the minds of this blog’s 3.5 readers:
Q. In Pixels, 1980’s era humans place a time capsule on the Moon which contains, among other examples of Earth culture, 1980’s video games. The aliens misunderstand and take the time capsule as a threat of war and respond by creating massive video game characters, which they use to attack Earth. The trailer shows Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, and Space Invaders attacking Earth.
Is it possible for such a misunderstanding to lead to an intergalactic war?
A. Such misunderstandings happen all the time. The Moloklaxons have been on a thousand year campaign, sweeping through the galaxy, taking one planet after another, all because an ambassador from the Intergalactic Diplomacy Organization broke wind in their ruler’s presence. It wasn’t meant as an insult. The ambassador had some bad tacos the night before and couldn’t help it.
Q. But seriously, aliens think video games are real and respond with giant video game characters?
A. Most species laugh at your video games because ours are so much better. Few species would respond with war, though the Moloklaxons are willing to fight over anything.
Q. What’s the point of this movie? Is it serious? Is it a comedy? What the hell is going on?
A. There are some serious looking Independence Day-esque scenes of monuments being attacked by video game inspired space ships. On that note, it looks serious. On the other hand, it stars Adam Sandler and it is about attacking video game characters, so it must be a comedy.
Q. Is it going to be good?
A. It will either be great or it will suck with the force of a thousand Dysons. There will be no in between. It will either be considered a unique and fun premise or will be Sandler and co’s attempt to run around with video game characters of their youth that sadly today’s kids don’t care much about. Pac Man was fabulous for its time but today’s youngsters want Call of Duty.
I fear young people will be like “Who’s Pac Man?” and old people will be like, “I’m so old because I used to play Pac Man!”
I will withhold judgment until I see it and will hope that it is excellent.
Q. Is there a ray of hope?
A. It stars Peter Dinklage in a role where he is not Tyrion Lannister. He is always great as Tyrion but this will give him a chance to branch out.
Thank you for your time, 3.5 readers. Kim Magennis, loyal Bookshelf Battle fan and proprietor of the Whimsy Blog submitted some questions. I have been a bit swamped this week, what with my ongoing diplomatic efforts to convince various worlds to stop trying to annihilate one another. I will definitely get to those next week.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
I’m asking my 3.5 readers to put their choice in the comments and if they want to, explain why.
The Yeti votes for Tapper. He loves Tapper. So much Tapper.
“Pour the beverage on the right…slide it down to the left…the perfect game to help children develop obsessive compulsive disorder and alcoholism!” – Tapper, 1983, Game by Bally Midway
Hmmm…well, I suppose for the record, we must note that Tapper apparently did not work in a bar but rather, a soda fountain, where he poured sodas (in case you missed the big “soda” sign.) So, no alcoholism. Just raging caffeine addictions and sugar buzzes.
Bookshelf Battle 