Hello. This is the Yeti. I am reviewing a book. Can you see it? I don’t care. It is a good book. Buy it already. Or don’t. What do I care? END OF BOOK REVIEW!
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: Comedy
Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations
By: The Siberian Yeti, Newly Self-Apponted Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle Blog
3.5 readers. How utterly decadent. Very Western. Very American. Very “oh look at me, I’m a blogger, I’m special, I’m going to post a picture of what I ate for lunch today because I am so great everyone will want to know!”
Bozhe moi. In my village, we have only one newspaper. Literally, we only have one copy of a newspaper. It was printed in 1943 and we Yetis have been reading it ever since. It is our second favorite form of entertainment, the first being our state of the art Commodore 64.
But you Americans? You have so many options to choose from when it comes to the written word. So much free thought can’t be good for you.
You may notice that Bookshelf Q. Battler’s posts are still popping up now and then. They will do that for awhile. He has scheduled many posts in advance.
But rest assure, Mr. Battler and his Head of Security, Bookshelf Battle Dog, are locked up in the basement, where they are being forced to watch a selection of my favorite Russian films:
Olga’s Stew-stravaganza
Dude, Where’s My Yugo?
Ivan and Anatoly’s Adventure, Which Was No More or Less Excellent than the Adventures of Other Citizens
Vodka Wars
The Passion of the Ration
For over a year, I have requested that Bookshelf Q. review my book, Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations. Imbecile that he is, he has constantly refused me.
Now I know why. Look at this ridiculous display of Western greed I found in the bathroom once occupied by the former proprietor of this so-called book blog:
Bookshelf Q. Battler, that is definitely more than 3 squares!
As you are aware, we Siberians believe in weekly rations of three squares of toilet paper. No more. No less. Frankly, we could get by on two. We would be grateful to just have one.
But four squares? Why don’t we just put on cowboy hats and have fake silicone bosoms attached to ourselves while we’re at it?
Now that Bookshelf Q. Battler is indisposed, he can no longer stand in my way. I will now review my book myself.
Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations, a new non-fiction book by the Siberian Yeti, is a fantastic read. You are all ordered to purchase it immediately. End of review.
If you are unable to find my book on your favorite American website, Amazon, the site you fat, stupid, lazy Americans use to have flying robots deliver snacks and video games straight to your homes, thus allowing your copious bottoms to become one with your couches, then I will simply share the ten ways below:
Top Ten Ways to Stretch Your Toilet Paper Rations
10. Pinecones. Don’t ask. You’ll figure it out.
9. Stop eating. You’ve had enough already.
8. Use both sides.
7. Subsidize your TP budget with leaves.
6. Use pages from the 1943 newspaper.
5. Seek assistance of rabbits, as suggested by noted American philosopher Eddie Murphy
4. Horde TP squares during times of constipation, and they will be ready in times of dispensation. Always be ready for times of boom and bust.
3. Barter your services in exchange for payment in TP squares from your fellow man.
2. Run through a car wash. One day we might get cars that don’t fall apart when we wash them.
1. Hold it indefinitely.
Yes, my new book is sure to be a big time NYT bestseller. Step aside, Mr. James Patterson. Out of the way, Mr. Steven King. The Siberian Yeti will be climbing the charts, all thanks to my conquest of a book blog viewed by 3.5 readers.
We Siberian Yetis do everything our government requests of us with no question. You silly free-thinking Americans are no doubt filled with questions, so you may leave them in the comments below and I will respond with all the ways in which you are wrong.
I must go now and give Bookshelf Q. Battler his daily water ration. One dixie cup. No more. No less.
Can’t Stop the One Post a Day Challenge
And it continues…
QUESTION: Cthulhu
ANSWER: Cthuwhatwho?
QUESTION: Cthulhu. A mythical monster, akin to bigfoot, but it is large and has a squiddy tentacle face.
ANSWER: Why would a cthulhu want to stop me from posting once a day?
QUESTION: Because you dared to post about them. You’re doing it right now. They want to keep their existence a secret.
ANSWER: Then I’ll stop posting about them. And if that doesn’t satisfy them, then I will zap them with my eyeball lasers.
QUESTION: You have eyeball lasers?
ANSWER: Doesn’t everybody?
QUESTION: Narwhals.
ANSWER: Nar-whats?
QUESTION: Narwhals. Whales with large pointy tusks on their heads.
ANSWER: What, like a unicorn whale? Please, let’s try to keep this to the realm of possibility.
QUESTION: They exist!
ANSWER: Seriously? We can’t have horned horses but they have horned whales?
QUESTION: I know. Hardly seems fair. But you’re in a boat, trying to post on your blog, and one of them is coming at you with its mighty tusk, ready to poke a hole through the side of your ship.
ANSWER: Two words. Giant cork.
QUESTION: Excuse me?
ANSWER: With expert precision, I toss a giant cork onto the narwhal’s mighty tusk, rendering it useless.
QUESTION: Why do you carry a giant cork around with you?
ANSWER: Doesn’t everybody?
QUESTION: Lochness monster.
ANSWER: I’m not in Scotland.
QUESTION: Ninjas kidnap you and transport you to Scotland.
ANSWER: Damn it. Your scenarios are impeccable. Still, Nessie is a champion of free speech. She’s cool. She won’t try to stop the blog.
QUESTION: She’s a jerk in this scenario.
ANSWER: That’s sad. But really, all I have to do is try to take a picture of her and she’ll swim away, leaving me with but a mere blurry image on my camera.
QUESTION: You’ve rejected Katy Perry and Katee Sackhoff in the name of your one post a day challenge. What if we throw Charlize Theron into the mix?
ANSWER: Damn you, Hypothetical Questioner.
QUESTION: Charlize Q. Battler has a nice ring to it.
ANSWER: It does, but I refuse to disappoint my 3.5 regular readers. No dice!
The Siberian Yeti Now in Control
Hello 3.5 Bookshelf Battle Readers.
The Siberian Yeti here. I have returned to Bookshelf Battle HQ, made my way past Bookshelf Battle Dog, and have subdued legendary blogger, martial artist, international ladies’ man and magical bookshelf owner, the one and only Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Top Secret Surveillance Footage of the Siberian Yeti Village Revealed!
No longer will he fill the minds of the masses with his spectacularly awesome ideas. As the Mayor of the Siberian Yeti Village, I must keep people from thinking big ideas, lest they start thinking ludicrous thoughts, like three toilet paper squares per week are not enough.
Just look at the trash ideas this alleged book blogger is trying to sell you on:
A Book Review of Lock-In by John Scalzi – Robots and viruses, mystery and deception, too much stimulation for your pitiful American minds! We Siberian Yetis prefer to watch mold grow on rocks. That is all the excitement we can stand.
An Ask the Alien Column – Interactivity? Blech! Patooie, I say! Why do you want to promote your book, blog, or writing project through the assistance of a rude and snarky alien when you could engage in the ancient Siberian Yeti art of snowball juggling?
These Silly “Can’t Stop the One Post a Day Challenge” Columns – Bookshelf Q. Battler claims he can defeat Highlanders, Chuck Norris, and zombies all in the name of bringing a daily dose of absurd nonsense to his 3.5 readers? Preposterous!
Frank Underwood Reviews Green Eggs and Ham, House of Cards Parody – Such tomfoolery! We Siberian Yetis have been watching House of Cards on our Commodore 64 at a rate of one frame per three days and we are totally rooting for the Russian President to crush Underwood like the capitalist pig that he is!
Defense of Shatner – How can Bookshelf Q. Battler defend a man who is the typical spoiled, rich Hollywood actor, complete with a toupee on his head that looks like a tribble?
Yes, I, the Siberian Yeti, am now in control of the Bookshelf Battle and from now on, there will be no interesting ideas on this blog whatsoever! Get used to it, pitiful 3.5 readers!
Image Courtesy of Creative Commons License via Flickr User Hilary H – “Yeti Crash”
No Walking Dead Wrap-Up Tonight
Sadly, I must inform my 3.5 readers there will be no Walking Dead Wrap-Up tonight. The Yeti has once again infiltrated my high tech Bookshelf Battle compound and I must now square off against him in a best 2 out of 3 roundhouse kick competition.
I blame Bookshelf Battle Dog. He’s a lousy security chief. Then again, I get what I pay for.
Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog, Head of Bookshelf Battle Compound Security
Ask the Alien – 3/08/15 – Book Covers, Star Wars, Elvis, and Lost Items
Alien Jones, whose real name is unpronounceable by humans, hails from a world, the name of which he isn’t allowed to tell us as his emperor fears humans will find a way to infiltrate it and permeate its airwaves with reality television. He claims Earth is considered by literally every known planet to be “the armpit of the universe” and is now on a mission to raise our world’s collective level of knowledge one question at a time.
Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle
Greetings, Losers of Earth. I, Alien Jones, have returned to the greatest blog your home world has to offer, the Bookshelf Battle. Don’t be fooled by its lack of readership. The universe is full of treasures known by the likes of only 3.5 individuals.
Enough with the pleasantries. Let us make haste with…THE FIRST QUESTION!
T.J. Siebeneck, a scribe of science fiction, fantasy, and horror, is the author of the novel, Seraphim of Prey: Harbinger. Read more about it on his website.
Though I personally have not conducted an examination of his brain wave patterns, it is a safe assumption that his intelligence levels are higher than those of the average human, as he has sought my advice vis a vis his book cover.
He asks:
“Alien Jones, which book cover should I use for my book?
http://www.crowdspring.com/print-design/project/2386414_paranormal-fantasy-horror-novel/
Sir, you have come to the right alien. If there are two subjects that I am fully versed in, they are 1) horror and 2) visual design.
You want to talk horror? Try waking up to the grim visage of my government mandated life mate before it has consumed its morning nutrition cube.
As for visual design, my species provided your planet with those books where you stare at the pages until a hidden design appears. We thought it would be a good way to make mankind dumber but alas, we were too late.
You are wise for seeking the assistance of professional artists in the creation of your book cover. You could write a manuscript that makes Shakespeare’s collective works look like a pile of puke but if the cover looks like it was scribbled on Microsoft Paint by a three year old, few will purchase it. I doubt even Bookshelf Q. Battler’s beloved Aunt Gertie would be interested.
Luckily, you appear to have a plethora of fine covers to chose from, any one of which would convey the message to potential readers, “Hey, I am an author who is actually working to make a fine product for you.” At the end of the day, that’s what readers want to know before they spend their hard earned money…money that will eventually be rendered useless when the Molaklaxons invade your world and replace your economy with a fish based bartering system.
Ooops. I’ve said too much.
Before I provide my advice, a question. What is your angle with this novel? Is it horror/fantasy? If I enjoyed The Hunger Games but wanted some scares mixed in, would I be interested in your work? Or, is your book super scary, as in when I read it, will I be so frightened that I will vent my gankis glands in terror?
With those questions in mind, I narrow my suggestions to the following:
1) Nellista’s offerings with a crow on either a blue or red insignia. Go with this if your book is more horror/fantasy.
2) The one with what appears to be a ghostly woman. Go with this if your book is meant to make readers lose control of their bowels in terror.
While I am never wrong about anything, the choice is ultimately yours, and if you are happy with your selection, you can’t go wrong. Go with the option your gut is leaning towards.
Good luck with your writing career. The Bookshelf Battle has provided you with 3.5 readers. Now you just need to recruit 999,996.5 more. And make it snappy.
NEXT QUESTION!
Mei-Mei is the author of Jedi by Knight: A Nerdy Girl Blog. Star Wars and other assorted geekery from the perspective of a female of your species. She inquires:
Hello Alien Jones! Have you seen Star Wars? Of course you have, that’s not my actual question. My actual question is, are any of the aliens in Star Wars based off your species? And if so, have you sued George Lucas over this yet?
As discussed in last week’s column, my species is born with an intrinsic knowledge of every movie ever made. Lucky for us, because I’m not sure how anyone without ingrained knowledge of the Star Wars films gets to see them these days. George Lucas has been rather stingy when it comes to allowing them to be accessed through digital download and yet, that’s how most films are viewed on your world. Perhaps now that these films are owned by the conglomerate headed by a cartoon mouse this wrong will be righted.
First, allow me to educate you on the true story behind your favorite film franchise. Many years ago, Emperor Palpamere of the Coruzon System imposed a three cent tax on all poultry imports, commensurate with normal inflation rates. A cult of imbeciles who believed, most erroneously, that they had the power to move objects with their minds, staged a rebellion by tossing a stink bomb into an unsecured air conditioning vent leading to the emperor’s office.
Naturally, George Lucas, an alien from the Coruzon System, decided to exaggerate the tale for profit and Hollywood success. Palpamere became Palpatine, the three cent poultry tax became claims of intergalactic oppression, the cult of idiots who thought they had telekinetic powers (but could not even bend a spoon) turned into the Jedi Knights, and the stink bomb in the air conditioner became a one in a million torpedo shot into the Death Star vent.
And yes, Palpamere’s assistant, Administrator Vandrer, did suffer from a severe form of asthma that required him to carry a small respirator box under his shirt, but he never wore a black helmet, nor a special suit, and frankly, his voice was rather high pitched. Mr. Lucas indeed took some liberties.
Now, to dispense with your main question. Are any Star Wars aliens based on my species?
As discussed in my introductory column, my species was once the number one abductor of humans in the name of scientific probing experimentation. Officially, my world’s government abandoned the practice a thousand years ago when we reached the full extent of what probing the human nether regions could teach us (which was very little). Unofficially, there are some alien weirdoes who believe that human probing is a fun way to spend a Saturday night.
As a result of the many humans coming forward to discuss their alien abductions (only to be laughed off as nuts, much to my emperor’s relief), humans have developed a tendency to describe my species whenever aliens are the topic of discussion. Small, skinny, expressionless, emotionless, large craniums, almond shaped eyes – that’s us alright.
I would argue the Kaminoans of Attack of the Clones are loosely based on my species. Lucas used similar facial features, but made them tall and gave them long necks. Consult Wookiepedia for more information.
And thank me for my dedication, for as a scientist, it brings me great displeasure to use the word “Wookiepedia.”
Why didn’t we sue? 1) As often discussed, my emperor doesn’t want humans to find out where we are and that prevents filing a lawsuit (you have to list your address on the court papers) and 2) My world has banned “lawyer” as an occupation and therefore, most matters of great import move rapidly and with great gusto.
Other Star Wars aliens vs. their real counterparts:
- Ewoks – There is a planet ruled by the Moktwai, a species that may appear as if they are cute and cuddly teddy bears but in fact, they rule with an iron fist. No one has crossed them and lived to tell the tale.
- Gungans – Based on the Fengwins, who are, ironically, some of the universe’s finest scholars. “Meesa” is not a word in their vocabulary.
- Wookies – The Weknars, aliens once considered human until their ruler banned all shaving razors.
- Hutts – The Quetts, aliens once considered humans until their ruler banned all vegetables, proclaimed cheese stuffed crust pizza to be the national food, and banned all programs but reality television.
FINAL QUESTIONS
Kim Maggenis of the Whimsy blog asks:
Esteemed Alien Jones, my question is about missing things: Do you have Elvis? What is your take on the Bermuda Triangle? And where do all the missing socks go?
I like it when humans are inquisitive. Most humans are content to stare at the television and stuff their cake holes with potato chips all day, never bothering to inquire about the world they live in.
Side note: potato chips were introduced to your world as part of a Molaklaxon plot to turn humans into slower, larger targets. But I digress.
Elvis was an alien prince who came to Earth for awhile to sew his royal oats. When his father passed away, he faked his own death with an outlandish story about a demise on the toilet bowl, then returned to his home world to rule. Yes, that means Elvis is now actually, “the King.”
King Elvis, Home Planet Undisclosed at the King’s Request
The Bermuda Triangle is the work of the Fabbernauts. They don’t mean any harm, they just really love to play shuffleboard. They usually drop off the stolen vessels and sailors in an alternate but pleasant dimension, minus any and all shuffleboard equipment they find.
Where do all the socks go? Gnomes. Many moons ago on your planet, after the time of the dinosaur but before the reign of humanity, there was an intermediary period during which gnomes ruled all they surveyed. They are peeved to no longer be in control, but their diminutive size means their only option for revenge is to make humans believe they have early warning signs of Alzheimer’s by stealing random objects. Gnomes are stealthy and easily avoid detection while committing their crimes.
Every gnome tribe has selected a different object they routinely steal from all Earth homes. These objects are, in no particular order:
- Socks – As you’ve already mentioned.
- Gloves – You buy a new pair after every snow storm, yet when next year’s storm rolls around, your closet will only have a bunch of left handed or right handed gloves. Why? It’s not like you were one handed last year and suddenly grew a hand this year. It’s not like you spent a great deal of time moonwalking through the snow last year doing a one-gloved Michael Jackson impersonation. Thieving gnomes are the only logical answer.
- Snow hats – They take these as well. You’ll buy a new one after every storm anyway.
- Phone charger plugs and/or cords – They actually get a kickback from Apple for this.
- Sunglasses – There is one village of very stylish, Hollywood-esque looking gnomes.
- Regular eyeglasses – You take them off at night, go to sleep, and they are nowhere to be found in the morning. As you rip your bed and night stand apart, gnomes hide in the woodwork and laugh with glee.
- Keys – Same thing, except they usually manage to hide them on a day when you absolutely can’t be late for something.
- Mobile Phones – Apple and the gnomes actually got together to create “Find My iPhone.” The gnomes move your phone and have a chuckle while you look for it. Apple gets business because humans resign themselves to the fact that their phones will be constantly lost so they view the “Find my iPhone” feature as a must have.
Thank you for your questions, inferior humans. Please continue to help me in my quest to make your world a smarter place, or at the very least, one that is not the laughing stock of the Milky Way. That’s right. Martians exist. And they a) are smarter than you and b) hate reality TV. Mars is a scripted television only planet.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If he likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while giving his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer.
Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org
Elvis Face Image Courtesy of “luchapress” on openclipart.org
Unfinished Business Stock Photos
Stock photos. They’re bland. They’re boring. But they’re free. As bloggers, we can’t beat free, so we use them all the time.
The good folks behind the movie Unfinished Business (starring Vince Vaughn, Tom Wilkinson, and Dave Franco, a 20th Century Fox comedy about three men from three different generations on a business trip, in theaters today March 6) have put out a set of free business stock photos as a fun promotion for the film.
Naturally, I figured I’d use them to illustrate the intense planning that goes on behind the scenes here at the Bookshelf Battle.
“My projections show that bookshelfbattle.com will have 20.5 readers by the end of this decade!”
“Gentlemen, educating the masses about classic literature is all well and good but I think we might have to toss in some jokes about yeti punching to keep people interested.”
Photos courtesy of iStock by Getty Images. As part of the promotion for Unfinished Business, iStock will release a new set of stock images featuring the characters of the newly released Vince Vaughn comedy every week for the next few weeks. It looks funny and Bookshelf Q. Battler encourages his 3.5 readers to see it. iStock is a great website, so check it out.
As a marketing tool, what do you think? Seems ingenious to me. For the cost of a few free photos, people will be talking and posting about this movie for awhile.
Additional Scenarios that Will Not Prevent Me From My One Post a Day Challenge
I continue to interview myself about how I would finagle my way out of hypothetical situations in order to my comply with my promise to my 3.5 readers to post once a day for the year of 2015.
QUESTION: Highlanders.
ANSWER: Give me a break. You’re not even trying.
QUESTION: What? They are immortal. Inside them flows the blood of kings.
ANSWER: Everyone knows that a Highlander’s weakness lies within its head. I’d just behead any and all Highlanders standing between me and my computer and post away. Honestly, if you’re going to come at me with this crap, at least bring your A game.
QUESTION: A billion dollars to stop posting.
ANSWER: That’s tricky. I would like to have a billion dollars.
QUESTION: Ha! See?
ANSWER: No. I’d refuse. I care too much about the respect of my 3.5 readers.
QUESTION: You are wrapped up like a mummy, but with duct tape, instead of bandages, and left for dead in the middle of the Mojave Desert.
ANSWER: I have various mental powers: telepathy, telekinesis, I can read minds, and project my thoughts into the brains of others. I can also use these powers to control animals. I would command a pack of wild armadillos to pick me up and bring me to the nearest watering hole, recruit a citizen to assist me in breaking my duct tape bonds, and then I will then commandeer said citizen’s vehicle under a claim of “Official Book Blogger Business!” I will then post upon reaching civilization.
QUESTION: A tree falls on you, pinning you to the ground with its mighty weight. Your computer is out of your grasp.
ANSWER: I use telekinesis to lift the tree off of me.
QUESTION: Your computer is stolen by a sasquatch.
ANSWER: No problem. To date, no sasquatch has crossed me and lived to tell the tale.
QUESTION: Chuck Norris will fight you if you post again.
ANSWER: He will lose. I taught him everything he knows.
Bookshelf Battle 