Tag Archives: dating

Daily Discussion with BQB – Man Sues Date for Texting During Movie

Hey 3.5 readers.

Please put down all 3.5 of your phones.  No, seriously!  This is a very important post and yes, you!  Even you, .5th reader with your half a phone, stop texting!

Have you ever had a rude date?  Perhaps a date who texted a little too much?

Well, one guy isn’t taking it lying down.  According to CNN (and many other news outlets) a dude by the name of Brandon Vezmar has sued his date for $17.31, claiming that she texted too much on her phone during a showing of Guardians of the Galaxy, thus ruining the experience.

Do have questions?  I do.  Here’s mine:

#1 – Is this real?  Is this some kind of publicity stunt?

#2 – Did he get rejected?  Is this like a dude sticking up for every man who had to shell out money on a date only to get nowhere?  (If so, God bless you sir.  I’ve always felt there should be a law that if a woman rejects you, she should be required to refund all the money you spent on her during any and all dates within 30 days of the rejection or else be sentenced to life in solitary confinement.  Come to think of it, I’m going to start working with President Trump to turn this into a Federal law.)

#3 – Is it me or does $17.31 seem steep for a film?  Was it in IMAX?  Was it for both tickets?  Was popcorn involved?  If it’s for both tickets, is he claiming that her texting ruined even his movie watching experience?  Can he recover the cost of her ticket if she doesn’t feel her texting ruined her movie watching experience?

#4 – Is it rude to text during a date?  I read that the woman claims she was texting a friend who needed her.

#5 – Do you think this guy is a hero to every man who was ever disrespected by a date?  Or, should he have just sucked it up and realized that part of dating means eating the costs of dates that go nowhere?

Discuss, 3.5 readers.

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Best Pickup Lines #151- 175

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#151 – Girl, you look all kinds of tasty.

#152 – Come on.  This thing isn’t going to touch itself.

#153 – Pardon me.  Do you have any Gray Vag-pon?

#154 – Am I famous?  Well, as it so happens I’m a repeat guest on Cops.

#155 – Yes, I farted.  Yes, I’m a big enough man to claim my own farts.  What about it?

#156 – Wanna wrassle?

#157 – I’ve got a can of whipped cream at home.  Let’s use it before it goes bad.

#158 – You are way hotter than my wife.

#159 – I want to ride off into the sunset with you…and then lock you in my basement.

#160 – Has anyone ever told you that you were beautiful?  They have?  What the hell?  Do you hang out with a lot of blind people or something?

#161 – Hold on.  I need to grease myself up first.

#162 – I love it when you laugh.  Your laughter, unlike my syphilis, is contagious.

#163 – I’m open to butt stuff.

#164 – I’m undressing you with my mind.  Nice girdle.

#165 – I can’t promise you that I won’t get you drunk and sell you to a group of unscrupulous international sex slave traffickers…but I’ll try my best not to.

#166 – I can’t promise that I won’t get you drunk and sell one of your kidneys to a black market organ dealer…but I’ll try my best not to.

#167 – I can’t promise that I’ll take a shower every day…but I’ll try my best not to.

#168 – Not interested?  I knew you were a lesbian.  I can spot a daughter of Sappho from fifty paces.

#169 – Wanna come back to my place?  I have a hot tub that’s virtually bacteria free.  There’s maybe one, two amoebas tops.

#170 – You’re looking good baby but you’re not quite there yet.  Drop twenty pounds and you’ll be on the train to pound town.

#171 – I’ll look better after my spray tan appointment.

#172 – What will fifty bucks get me?

#173 – Would you care to have a brief conversation in order to gauge whether or not we share any mutual interests and continue thereafter if we do?  Or should I just ruin everything by talking about my penis right away?

#174 – I’m a lawyer.

#175 – I’d like to buy you a drink, but I’ve been out of work for six years.  Can I offer you the juice box that’s been warming in my back pocket all evening instead?

 

 

 

 

 

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy

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Hello ladies.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Is your boyfriend stiff?  Some might say even a little wooden?  Well, I don’t want to alarm you but just in case, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy:

#10 – He’s got wood.

Maybe it’s because he was carved out of an old tree, or maybe it’s because he’s a man.  Inconclusive.

#9 – He only speaks when you shove your hand up his ass.

Maybe it’s because he’s a puppet and that’s the only way he can speak…or maybe he’s a man with a girlfriend and thus, that’s the only way he’s allowed to speak.  Again, inconclusive.

#8 – Has a squeaky voice.

Maybe he has a squeaky voice because he’s a dummy or maybe he just suffers from a debilitating testosterone deficiency.  Inconclusive.

#7 – He’s a big dummy.

Maybe he’s a big dummy because he is a dummy but then again, has there ever been a woman in existence who didn’t think that her boyfriend or husband was a big dummy at one point in time or another?  Inconclusive.

#6 – Tells terrible jokes.

Most dummies do, but what man doesn’t?  Inconclusive.

#5 – Might Be an Evil Murderer

Yeah, but then again, any boyfriend might be an evil murderer.  Do you follow your boyfriend all day and night long?  Do you know where he is right now?  Inconclusive.

#4 – Can Still Talk While You’re Drinking Water

Either you’re an exceptional ventriloquist, or just a regular water drinker and your boyfriend likes to talk while you are thirsty.  Inconclusive.

#3 – Can Turn His Head Around 360 Degrees

That could mean that he’s a ventriloquist dummy but it could also mean that he’s been possessed by a demon.  Is your boyfriend a blasphemous heathen that inadvertently invited inexplicable evil to take up residence in his carcass?  Inconclusive.

#2 – His face is expressionless.

Yeah, but most men are bad when it comes to expressing their emotions.  Inconclusive.

#1 – Always has a snappy comeback.

True, that could be a sign that he’s a dummy but keep in mind men tend to say dickish things at extremely inappropriate times.  Inconclusive.

CONCLUSIONS

I have just scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is literally no way to tell whether or not your boyfriend is a human or a ventriloquist dummy, since there are so many similarities between the two.  Therefore, just to be on the safe side, you must assume your boyfriend is a ventriloquist dummy at all times.

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Top Ten Online Dating Profile Mistakes

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Ahh, dating, that most antiquated of human rituals.  He plays coy.  She plays hard to get. Will they or won’t they?  On and on the dance goes.  Where it stops, nobody knows.

But perhaps you aren’t one to belly up to the bar, watering hole, or other public gathering place in order to seek a mate.  Perhaps you prefer to sign up for one of those websites that includes a veritable meat market catalog of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes.

If so, you’re pal BQB is here to help you avoid some errors.  From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Online Dating Profile Mistakes:

#10 – “If you are/for/believe in X, swipe left!”

That’s rather judgmental, isn’t it?

Many online daters will write something in their profiles that says something like:

  • The Clippers are my favorite team so if you don’t like them then move on!
  • If you voted for X candidate, swipe left!
  • If you hate cats, see you later!
  • If you don’t like pizza, go away!

Really?  I mean, you think these things are important to you but perhaps that will all go by the way side for the right person.  Ladies, suppose a super hunky stud muffin is looking at your profile and about to click on it so he can take you on a date and dote upon you with his millions of dollars but then he’s like, “Well, I don’t really like the Clippers…”

And really?  Are you really going to put your cat over your potential love if you meet someone perfect for you but he/she has a cat allergy?  I know your scruffy little buddy has always been there for you but surely some sort of arrangement could be worked out.  Perhaps for the right one you might be able to find a nice alternative home for your fluffy friend and visit once in awhile.

Politics might be a more delicate issue and I suppose two people who would constantly bicker about who would be the best at running the country are unlikely to get along.  Then again, you never know.  Maybe you two can learn to love one another enough to not force your opinions on each other – love each other by day, then go to the polls at night and cancel each other out with your opposing votes.

#2 – Putting Up (ONLY) a Better than Usual Photo

We all have managed to take at least photo whereby, with the right combination of lighting, lens and angle manipulation, makes us look like a supermodel.

Maybe go ahead and use that, but also throw up some photos of what you look like on an average, day to day basis.  I’m not saying take a photo of you in your underpants with a cat under your left arm, a trail of crumbs on your chest and a half-eaten bag of potato chips in your right arm, but perhaps just a nice pic of you in casual attire will do.

So what if you’re a little bit chubby, ugly or odd looking?  Being honest about it just means the jerk faces that care about such trivial matters won’t waste your time while you search for the person who won’t care about your flabby belly, crow’s feat, widow’s peak, basketball sized nose goiter or what have you.

#3 – Putting Up a Photo of Yourself with Someone of the Opposite Sex

Ladies, I’d be curious to have your input on what you assume when a man’s dating profile features photos of the guy with other women.  I’d wager that there would be some women who would be like, “Huh, he must have something good going on if he has that much stank on his hang low,” but for the most part, the woman that you want to bring home to meet your mother will probably be annoyed.

I can give you the male opinion on what men think when they see a dating profile photo featuring the woman with other men.  I spoke with all the other men at the recent man meeting and they authorized me to speak for all mankind on this very important issue by a vote of 198,999 burps to 77 farts.  There was one armpit squeak in abstention due to a conflict of interest.

Basically, we don’t like it.  My assumption is “Oh.  Here’s a woman with 300 guy friends.  She’ll hang out with them all the time and tell all her personal stuff to them and talk about me to them even though I should be the most important guy in her life.  If I look at another girl for a second, she’ll rip my head off but she’ll think it’s fine that she’s with all these dudes all the time.  She’ll say they are just friends but I, like Biz Markie, know better.  She may even be naive enough into thinking these dudes are not interested in her on a physical level, but as the owner of a penis, I know that all men are interested in their female friends on a physical level and are only settling for friendship in the hopes that it will be upgraded to a romantic relationship.”

Gay people, I’m a time traveler from the 1990s who just happens to reside in your current time, so I don’t know how to advise you.  I assume that gay dudes aren’t a fan when they see a photo of someone they like with another dude.  I assume that lesbians don’t like to see the lesbians they like with other lesbians.  Apologies if I’m wrong.  I’m from the 90s, but I try my best to stay woke.

Now, it’s a free country.  Maybe you want to put that vibe of “I’m a partying free spirit and I’m out there ready to mix and mingle with lots of people.”  And maybe these people in your photo really, truly are just friends but…the person on your dating profile doesn’t know that.

#4 – Talk Down About Yourself

“Oh, on the weekends, I like to paint but that’s dumb I guess.”

NO!  You are the next Van Gogh!  “On the weekends, I like to relax, paint brush in hand, waiting for inspiration to strike.”

Talk yourself up.  Don’t worry.  If you get married, your significant other will have many, many years to talk down to you.

#5 – Poor Spelling

This probably won’t be a problem for everyone but like, say a dude is looking at a babe’s profile and it is all misspelled.  The dude’s going to assume she’s dumb.  Oh wait, a dumb girl…hmmm…if she’s that dumb she might go for you then, dude.  Carry on!

#6 – Lies

Don’t say you’re a billionaire venture capitalist by day and a masked vigilante crimefighter by night with your own mansion and a yacht and a butler if you do and have none of these things.  She’ll figure it out eventually.

#7 – Don’t Be Sad and/or Inform Your Potential Dates About All Your Problems

“Well, I’m just getting back out there to the dating world after my ex-wife, that miserable she-beast, ran off with my best friend and all of my money and our kids and my dog.  I’m trying to scrape my life together, but it’s been tough since my house burnt down and also I’m in recovery for Mentos popping addiction due to a time when I popped the Freshmaker two at a time to distract myself about how sad I was for being unemployed due to the fact that I was recovering from a penis transplant because my original penis got caught in a shredder.”

Tough one.  Don’t lie.  Don’t deceive.  But…maybe just don’t let it all hang out there at first?  Women are pretty good about peeling back your stinky layers until they reveal the smelly onion inside.  It’ll be up to them if they still want that onion, if they feel it is worth Febrezing. But you only get seconds to make a good first impression so you don’t want to come off as a sad sack straight out of the gate.

#8 – Saying Things That Sound Good but Are Meaningless

“I like happy times on a Saturday night, cozy days with friends, and warm Summer frolics.”

WTF?  Tell me what you like to do, dummy.  I want to know if we like to do the same things.  Do you like watching Game of Thrones and shoving pizza in your face?  Really?  I also love to watch Game of Thrones and shove pizza into my face.  Let’s get together and watch Game of Thrones and shove pizza into our faces.

But wait, what?  You like to run triathlons and can bench press a Kia Sportage?  I can do neither of those things.  I would slow you down.  Good day to you madam.  It is a good thing you were honest so we didn’t waste each others’ time with our vastly different interests.

#9 – Be Lame

If you think it’s lame, it’s lame.  Don’t post that photo of you with your ventriloquist dummy, unless you are one of the few millionaire ventriloquist performers in the world.  Even then, you might want to hold off on it.

Don’t talk about how you are a mama’s boy or post photos of your action figure collection or what have you.  Remember, these stinky layers will eventually be peeled.  You don’t want to throw all your stink at a lady in one sitting.  She needs to ease into the stink slowly.  Dish out the stink in small amounts until she’s too in love to care about the sum total of your voluminous stink.

#10 – Be Shirtless

Well…hmm.  I may or may not be wrong here.  I’ve never had a physique that I’ve been dying to show off so what would I know, really?  My assumption is that yes, dude, if you have a studly physique, a shirtless pic might get you some interested ladies…but again, the nice one you want to bring home to meet your parents would probably frown upon you being so public with your pecs.

But again, what would I know?  I’d post a shirtless pic, but the Internet could never handle that much manly chest hair.

My attorney reminds you I have no idea what I’m talking about.  This post was just in good fun and taking anything I said as advice that you should or should not follow could have disastrous results.

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50 Best Pickup Lines

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Hey 3.5 readers.  Did you know that I am an expert pickup line writer?  I can’t use them myself, unless I use them all on Video Game Rack Fighter, but here are some pickup lines that, well, I can’t tell you if they will work or not.

If you are feeling adventurous, feel free to use them, though my lawyer advises the Bookshelf Battle Blog will take no responsibility for any injuries, physical, mental or otherwise, that you sustain due to using them:

#1 – Hey baby.  I have a 401K.  Bask in my financial responsibility.

#2 – I’m a time traveler sent here from the future to get all up in dat phat ass.

#3 – Wanna play hide the pickle?  No, really, I’m talking about a cucumber that was soaked in brine for an extended time period.

#4 – There’s a hamster in my pocket.  Want to pet it?

#5 – Are you from Heaven?  Because I need an angel to save me.  No seriously, I’m a depressed meth addict without a job or a place to stay and I really need you to save me baby.

#6 – Can I buy you a drink and/or possibly multiple drinks?  How much alcohol do you need to ingest in order for me to appear remotely attractive?

#7 – I made a sex tape once.  Critics called it “the best comedy of the year.”

#8 – I fart.  You fart.  Let’s fart together.

#9 – Damn baby are you a whale because that is one back I’d like to hump.

#10 – Baby, what’s your sign?  Mine’s vagitarious.

#11 – Care for some cunnilingus?  I’ve got my own miner’s helmet with the flashlight built in.  Perfect for spelunking.

#12 – Your face makes me believe anything is possible.  Do you think us rubbing our nasty bits together would be possible?

#13 – Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you three trillion more times?

#14 – My mom’s with her bridge club so I have the apartment all to myself tonight.

#15 – There’s a party in my pants and you’re the guest of honor.  Get in there and get your cake, girl.

#16 – Arr!  I be a pirate and I claim yon booty for me, arr!

#17 – Let me just put it in for a minute thirty.  Pretend I’m a hot pocket and you’re a microwave.

#18 – I do laundry.  I will wash that outfit and press it after you leave it all over my floor tonight, girl.

#19 – Let’s get married right now and figure out if we like each other tomorrow

#20 – I just went to Taco Bell and I’ve got about a half hour until my butt explodes.  Let’s do this thing, baby.

#21 – I promise I have no STDs.  Literally no woman has ever touched my penis, so it is completely safe.

#22 – I always light a scented candle after I let one rip.

#23 – Why haven’t you made my dinner yet?

#24 – Baby take a ride in my Toyota Corolla.

#25 – I would like to take you for a drive in my weird looking 1970s era, non-descript white van.

#26 – All my ex-girlfriends told me that it was them and not me.  I felt that was really big of them to be able to admit their personal failings.

#27 – What’s your sign?  “Open for Business” hopefully.

#28 – Am I really that ugly or am I just abstract?

#29 – So, do you live around here?  No, seriously, can you draw me a map to your house and write down what times you are sleeping?

#30 – I do magic!

#31 – Have you met my ventriloquist dummy?

#32 – I think there’s a coin behind your ear…

#33 – Pull my finger.

#34 – Do you twerk?  Because I know a class that can teach you…

#35 – I look fabulous when I’m covered in cheese whiz.

#36 – Hey look!  Two boobs, no waiting!

#37 – Do you want to see my impression of a motor boat?

#38 – Would you care to see my lair?

#39 – Free mustache rides!

#40 – Free discount gynecology exams!

#41 – Hello.  I’m Donald Hump.  Want to make my penis great again?

#42 – I’d love to take you on a romantic vacation but my parole officer says I’m not allowed to leave the state.

#43 – They broke the mold when they made you, but I’d love to fix that mold and make another you, you know, one that I could just feel up and not have to listen to her babble or put up with her bullshit or anything.

#44 – You.  Me.  A hot tub and a vat of orange marmalade.  No, you can’t know what the orange marmalade is for.  I don’t even know what it is for.  I’m just improvising as I go along, baby.

#45 – Pardon me, ma’am but are those yours or did you steel with two of LeBron James’ game balls?

#46 – Eh, come on.  If it isn’t me it’s just going to be some other asshole.

#47 – Do you like my beard?  I drew it with a magic marker.

#48 – I have money.  Lots of money.  Just take my word for it.  No, you can’t look at my bank records.  Where’s the trust?

#49 –  Of all the babes in this bar, you are the hottest one that I just happen to be sitting next to.

#50 – I just took a breath mint so I’m good to go.

 

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Is it Better to Have Loved and Lost?

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Hey 3.5 readers.

A real noodle scratcher for you.

Do you think that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Allow me to submit the rare counterargument to this tired old cliche:

No.

I know.  You’re all like, “But BQB you can remember the good times!”

Yeah, but our human minds and spirits are weak and we inevitably question ourselves over and over again on what we could have done differently in order to have not lost our love.

That’s torture the psyche just doesn’t need.  Thus, all those late nights spent wondering what you could have done to have made your ex happy aren’t worth all of those memories of holding hands and going on long walks on the beach with your ex.  If anything, those memories make you feel worse.

Ergo, I posit to you 3.5 readers that…

it is better to have never loved than to have loved and lost.

Argh!  Oh no!  BQB went against the grain!

Yup.  That’s me.  Fight the power, baby.

What say you, 3.5?

(Special thanks to the Yeti for letting me out of my cage long enough to write this).

 

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I’m Thinking About Becoming Amish

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Hello 3.5 Englishes,

Your old pal BQB here.

So check it out.

I’m thinking about becoming Amish for the following reasons:

#1 – Too much stress.  Too much technology.

That’s two reasons. Too much stressful technology? OK now it is one.

Cell phones were a great invention but really never should have evolved other than you have a device you can use to call someone and ask for help if you find yourself in a jam.

YES – “I’ve run my car off the road and need help!”

NO – “Hello this is your boss. I know you are on vacation but I need to talk to you on the phone right now while you are sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of a Tijuana Señor Frog’s.”

3.5 READERS: But BQB what about your blog?

Good riddance, infernal blog! Who needs you? Always pestering me to update you just to entertain 3.5 readers.

NOTE: I’m just kidding. I love you blog and 3.5 readers.

#2 – Health – Diet and Exercise

Have you ever seen a fat Amish guy? No!

Why? First they’re always exercising. But they’re not going to gym like assholes and running around on a treadmill like a goddamn hamster on a wheel are they?

No. They are not. They are raising barns and churning butter and planting crops and so on.

Shit actually happens when they exercise.

Wait. You know what? Up until like 1950 people didn’t even think to call strenuous activity “exercise.” They just called it “doing shit.”

Here’s what people were like:

CHESTER: Hey Bob! You doing some shit on your farm?

BOB: Sure am, Chester. I’m doing all this shit on my farm, then later I’m going to pickup some heavy shit and move some shit and dig up some shit and plant some shit. You off to do some shit of your own?

CHESTER: Of course. Gotta get to my farm where I will also do a ton of shit. In fact, I got a long ass fuckin’ walk to my farm and I’ll tell you even that wears the shit out of me. But once I walk to my farm I’m going to do a lot of shit.

BOB: Boy howdy, doing shit sure does keep you from becoming a fat fuck doesn’t it?

CHESTER: What’s a fat fuck, Bob? I’ve never seen or heard of one before.

BOB: I think I saw one in a picture book once. Some egghead scientist theorized that if people ever stop doing shit they’ll get really fat.

CHESTER: Aint that some shit?

 

But now we’ve got cars and computers and gadgets and shit so a lot of the heavy lifting is gone.

Second reason why you never see a fat Amish guy – they’ve got good diets.

Seriously. They don’t have Amish McDonalds. They no quiero Taco Bell. They don’t have processed foods.

You know what their food process is? They pull a damn carrot out of the ground and shove it in their suck hole and then if they want a steak they cut it off the ass of the cow that has been their family friend for years.

That in and of itself would get me to stop eating meat and become a vegetarian.

I love steak and burgers, but only as long as some nameless butcher in some factory somewhere is hacking the cow to pieces somewhere far, far away where I never see it.

If I have to hack the cow up then I’ll just eat carrots instead. I’m not going to bond with Bossy the cow and then be all like, “I’m hungry so time to die, Bossy.”

And I love chicken, especially chicken tenders and chicken nuggets…but not enough to wrap my hands around a chicken’s neck and strangle the ever loving shit out of it until I watch all of that chicken’s hopes and dreams fade from its eyes as the last bit of its life force exits its feathery carcass.

No thank you. Fuck that. Pass the broccoli.  And no matter how many reports I get that broccoli is good for you, I will never forego red meat and chicken meat in the name of broccoli unless I’m Amish.

#3 – Romance Simplified

Oh my God.  Dating is such bullshit.

Just arrange my marriage when I’m five.  Or you know what? Just let me choose.  The one in the bonnet or the other one in the bonnet.

And let her choose too. This isn’t Communist Russia.  Let her choose between me, the one in the beard and the hat or the other one in the beard and the hat.

I’m sure there is a modicum of bullshit that enters into Amish dating.

“Oh, I was going to marry Ezekiel but Jedediah has raised far more many barns!”

But that’s fine. I’ll just raise a lot of barns. At least then I know what to do. Here in the modern world women get mad at you and you never know why and even they don’t know why.

But in Amish world its simple. You just haven’t raised enough barns and you need to raise some more and then you will be able to get your hands on an Amish babe’s sweet, sweet ankle.

CONCLUSIONS

So that’s it.

Those are my three reasons.

I want to be Amish so I can kick technology to the curb, exercise more, eat less and eat more nutritious food and impress women by raising barns.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Am I on to something here? Do you want to become Amish with me?

Who’s down?

 

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Top Ten Witch Pickup Lines

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Witches.

Oh those sexy practitioners of the dark arts.

Halloween is just around the corner, so if you’re looking to score a hot date with a fine ass witch, you best school yourself on these witch pickup lines, player:

#10 – “Bubble bubble, toil and trouble, damn girl, you make my heart burn and my pants bubble.”

PRO: It’s classy and Shakespearean.

CON: She might think you’re saying that she gives you heart burn as in acid reflux and not as in her setting your heart ablaze with passion.

#9 – “Hey baby, wanna ride my broomstick?”

PRO: Direct and to the point.

CON: This is a rather uncouth line and thus will only work on the most promiscuous witches with low morals.  Sure, they’ll rock your world but beware witch STDs. There’s no spell to get rid of that.

Not that I’d know.

No, I haven’t been scratching myself for the past three hours straight. Mind your business.

Also, she might get confused and tell you that she already owns a broomstick that provides her with adequate transportation, but thank you just the same.

#8 – “Wanna see my eye of newt?”

PRO: Again, little time wasted.

CON: She’ll be expecting an actual eyeball that you yanked off of a damn newt.  Is your love life really worth blinding a lizard? I think not.

FYI – Don’t use “eye of newt” as a euphemism for your junk. Whatever your pull out is going into her boiling pot.

#7 – “You cast a spell on me.”

PRO: Maybe she’ll think you’re clever and charming.

CON: She might also take it as a challenge and turn you into a damn toad. Ribbit, ribbit. Enjoy those flies, bitch.

#6 – “That is the sexiest pointy hat with a damn belt buckle I have ever seen.”

PRO: She’ll appreciate that you realize she’s been practicing witchcraft since colonial times.

CON: She’s going to keep wearing that hat no matter what and the point is going to flop around all over the place while you two dance the horizontal cha cha.

Then again, some freaks are into that sort of thing.

#5 – “I’m keen on the green.”

PRO: You’ll make her realize that her being the color of grass, broccoli and Kermit doesn’t matter to you.

CON:  Whatever part of you that touches her will turn green, so uh…you know, keep that in mind if you’re cheating on your vampire girlfriend with a witch.

#4 – “Damn baby, I gots to make my magic wand disappear.”

PRO: She’ll be glad you share her interest in magic.

CON: She may be turned off by the double entendre and use her power to uh…actually make it disappear.

#3 – “Witch betta have my money.”

PRO: She might be a Rihanna fan and appreciate the reference.

CON: You basically just called her a witch hooker, which may or may not be true but still, discretion dude.

#2 – “Move, witch! Get out the way!”

PRO: She might be a Ludacris fan and appreciate the reference.

CON: She might get out of your way, then never come back.

#1 – “Which witch is which?”

PRO: Good to use on a group of witches. May lead to a witch threesome.

CON: They might just politely answer your question by telling you the names of each witch in the group and then dismiss you.

Do you have a good pickup line to use on a witch?

Share it in the comments.

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Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective

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Fear not, 3.5 readers.  Jake Dashing continues to file his pop culture mystery reports.

I’m just so bogged down with all my work here at Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters that I never have time to edit and post them.

I really need to hire an assistant.

I head a rumor though that after being told to pound sand one too many times by Attorney Donnelly, Jake has set his sights on a lady detective who he shares some uh, let’s say, “personality traits” with.

Here the mystery woman is, with the Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective.

(Translated from English to Film Noir Speak.)

10.  ENGLISH: Babe, you left the bathroom a mess!

FILM NOIR SPEAK:  Another day, another dollar and another twenty-four hours closer to meeting my maker. I gave up on a perfect life long ago but call me crazy, I feel like even a gal like me has a right to five minutes of peace alone in the powder room.

Sigh.  No such luck.  I open the door and find the floor covered with enough water to float the Titanic, which is ironic, because the floor is also littered with enough towels to soak up the Pacific Ocean.

I need to think.  I go to the sink and turn on the faucet, hoping a splash of cool water on my face will subdue my burning rage.  No such luck.  The sink is filled with a twisted concoction of whisker hairs, shaving cream, and toothpaste.

Just what ever gal wants. A furry viscous fluid waiting for her.  Lucky me.

Thirty seconds with a washcloth would have spared my eyes from this sight.  What’s the skinny on this palooka? Is he stupid? Rude? Was he born in a barn? Raised by hobos?

Is this some kind of bizarre power play? Leave a mess to see if the little woman will clean it up?

Or is he just that obtuse that he doesn’t notice things like this?

Speaking of noticing things, out of the corner of my eye I spot that the toilet is filled with more skid marks than the Indy 500 race track.

Men. Can’t live with ’em.  Sorry. There isn’t a second verse to that old song and dance number.

9.  ENGLISH:  I love you.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Love.  That and a plug nickel will buy you a cup of coffee, but at least you never have to worry about your java sprouting legs and walking away.

Men, on the other hand, have a bad habit of becoming gold medal marathon runners when you least expect it.  There one day, gone the next, the only memories he leaves you with are his silhouette against the moonlight as he makes a beeline for the door and that old familiar throbbing in your ticker…

…ba-dump…ba-dump…ba-dump.

Then again, it could just be gas.

8.  ENGLISH: I wish you’d take me somewhere nice.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  There’s a part of me that wants to dance. Not that I’m a spritely ballerina type mind you but the madcap irony of life is that the less you have of it, the more you want to embrace it.  Rattling around in the back of my mind like so many marbles shot by the kid with the best aggie in school are images of myself as a wrinkled up old broad, wrapped up in a shawl, rocking away in my wheelchair, cursing myself for not having danced more in my youth.

I owe it to that old gal to trip the light fantastic fella, so either cut a rug with me or I’ll find someone who will.

7.  ENGLISH:  I baked you cookies.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Sweets.  They’re one of the many cruel jokes played on us by the man upstairs.

Surely you’ve realized by now that the Almighty  has a peculiar sense of humor, right?

Cookies are delicious, but too many and you’ll end up looking like the love child of Fatty Arbuckle and King Kong.

Making whoopee is an equally pleasant pastime, but pick the wrong person and you’ll end up with some kind of dirty social disease.  You know, the kind that makes your privates shrivel up, turn green, and that’s only if you’re lucky.

Still, everything in moderation is the way to go, so here are some cookies. One a day makes the blues go way.

Two a day will make me go away.

Make your choice, Jack.

6.  ENGLISH:  Do these jeans make my butt look big?

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Sizes are like opinions.  They vary greatly depending where you go, and they all leave you feeling like you’re going to explode.

In this case, I feel like there’s going to be an ass explosion. I’m not about to share my size with you, Nosebox McGee, but let’s just say I’ve always fit in the same number except for today, as I tried a new boutique where apparently it’s the company creedo that everyone should have an ass flatter than everyone thought the pre-Columbus world was.

I can tell you’re burning a hole in the back of my jeans with your lustful eyes, because like bathroom cleanliness, subtlety has never been your strong suit.

So make like a tipped over milk carton and spill, Jack. Is it round like a candy apple or does it look like it’s got its own gravitational pull?

5.  ENGLISH: You forgot my birthday, jerk.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  Time. Oh how that relentless son of a bitch enjoys teasing me. Taunting me. Yanking days off the calendar of my life with reckless abandon, leaving me with little more than fuzzy memories of cheap men and even cheaper vodka.

Eighteen.  Twenty-one. All the best birthdays are gone now.  What’s left to celebrate to celebrate now other than being one year closer to shaking hands with Mr. Grim Reaper himself?

Now there’s a celebrity whose autograph you don’t want.

Still, it’s perfectly normal for anyone with a pulse to feel a burning desire to be remembered. In the end, when all is said and done, when the last clump of dirt is heaped on our graves and the undertaker collects his due, all we are to the people we leave behind is the sum total of the memories they carry with them in their minds.

And apparently, my fella isn’t carrying many thought drops about me in his brain bucket.

I saw a bum shivering on a park bench this morning.  Cold. Alone. Forgotten. Cared for by no one.

Whenever my man screws up like this, it’s hard not to see myself as ending up just ike that lowdown vagrant one day.

Cold. Alone. Forgotten.  Cared for by no one.

Thanks a lot, Jack.

4.  ENGLISH: Let’s move in together.

TRANSLATION:  Space. I have it. You have it. Who needs it? Let’s live in the now and share the cow.  My milk. Your milk.  Who cares whose gullet it goes down when it all comes out yellow anyway?

Splitting digs is always a big step in any relationship.  And sure, it might turn out to be the step that lands our feet on an emotional land mine that blows our psyches to kingdom come.

Then again, it could also be the step that leads us to the American Dream.  A nice house with a front yard, a white picket fence, three kids, a dog, and our very own shared subscription to Better Homes and Gardens.

Mull it over, palooka. For as Custer said on the way to his last stand, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

3.  ENGLISH: I forgive you for (whatever dumb thing you did recently.)

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: They say love is blind but in my case, she must have had her eyes gouged out with rusty razors because despite all the strike marks you’ve got against you, you’re still aces in my book, bub.

2.  ENGLISH: We should get married.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  Here we are, two dopes stuck on a big blue marble, our lives as insignificant as a couple of ants to the shoe of a random passerby.

Call me naive. Call me crazy. Call me late for dinner but I love ya, ya big lug. There, I said it. Write it down, rubber stamp it, set it in a frame and hang it on the wall for the whole world to see.

Sure, we could end up crashing in flames like the Hindenburg but we might just circumnavigate the globe like Lucky Lindy. We’ll never know until we flap our wings and take that leap.

There’s no one I’d like to take that leap with more than you, see?

  1.  ENGLISH: I think we should break up.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Alright, buster. Clean the wax out of your ears and listen up.

You and I are over. We’re done. Kaput.  It’s like seeing the final credits roll at the end of a three hour Judd Apatow film. I feel depressed that I wasted my time yet elated that this bullshit is finally out of my life now.

Take a long walk off a short pier, palooka.  Dumpsville just held an election and you’re the Mayor, the Alderman, and the dog catcher all rolled into one.

Aww, pipe down with the waterworks, see?  Like my Aunt Edna’s underpants, a crying man is a sight no one wants to see.

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist

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It’s the discipline that provides the answers to our most vexing questions about the world we live in. Ironically, with every question scientists answer, new inquiries pop up every day.

Most scientists are reputable members of the community, dedicated to following strict rules and procedures.

However, there are some scientists who dare to dabble in the depths of depravity that few are willing to tread.

As part of his penance for “accidentally” causing a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown last summer, Dr. Hugo Von Science has assisted the Bookshelf Battle Blog in creating this list of the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist:

10. Foreplay consists of him dropping his pants and shouting, “IT’S ALIVE…IT’S ALIVE!”

9.  His home decor consists of:

  • Beakers filled with foaming potions, bubbling brews, and other strange concoctions.
  • Giant switches that require you to strain yourself just to flip.
  • Tesla coils. So many tesla coils.

8.  Wears a white lab coat everywhere.  Dinner? Lab coat. The opera? Lab coat. The lab? Lab coat.

7. Never takes his goggles off, even when his eyes aren’t in danger of being stabbed, exploded, poisoned, scratched, electrocuted, or otherwise harmed. You’ve never even seen his eyes before because he was wearing those goggles when you met him.

6. Hobbies include: snorkeling, horseback riding…and threatening world leaders to turn over their treasuries to him lest the world be destroyed by his latest invention.

5.  He borrowed your credit card. This month’s bill includes charges for:

  • Giant moon laser base
  • Enormous Drill Capable of Reaching Earth’s Core
  • Nuclear Warheads
  • Lab Monkey Food

The moon laser base, enormous drill, and nuclear warheads didn’t strike you as odd but it seemed unusual to you that lab monkey food could be charged to your credit card so easily.

4.  His laugh starts out slowly, quietly. Then it builds…and builds…into a maniacal crescendo.

EXAMPLE:

YOU: And then my co-worker Rachel said, “Forget the giblets, I’ll take the whole turkey!”

YOUR MAD SCIENTIST BOYFRIEND: Ha.  Haha.  Ha ha ha…HA HA…MUAH HA HA HA HA!!!

3.  You’ve grown so accustomed to the sound of explosions coming from your basement that you’re able to sleep right through them.

2.  Has a well-organized brain collection in his lab. Labels include:

  • Monkey brain
  • Sheep brain
  • Cow brain
  • Dog brain
  • Cat brain
  • Caveman brain
  • Alien brain
  • Sasquatch brain
  • Missing Link Brain

NOTE: We don’t want to tell you how to live your life but it is highly suggested that you run if you ever see a jar marked, “Ex-girlfriend brain.”

  1. You came across a file on his desk marked, “Build My Own Girlfriend Project.” Realized that might be how you got here. Come to think of it, you don’t have any memories beyond last Tuesday. Decided not to question it.
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