Tag Archives: funny

May 13 2016
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Zombie Western

Mark Twain Quotes On Zombies #3

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“Never learn how to murder a zombie. If you don’t learn, you’ll become quite adept at getting others to murder zombies for you.”

Was the Old American West a safe place after it was zombed?

Certainly not. But having learned to tame this great land, Westerners were a hearty stock, and highly celebrated author Mark Twain was no exception.

Here are some observations about the undead he penned by candlelight after bashing a particularly gruesome zombie’s brains in with the business end of his walking stick.

  • “An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before. A zombie is a creature who will eat your brains, especially if your brains have never been eaten before.”
  • “Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing you can do is keep your mind young. The second greatest thing you can do is to protect your mind from the chomping teeth of hideous zombies.”
  • “Do something every day that you don’t want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. For example, bash in the brains of twelve zombies before breakfast and you won’t have to worry about a zombie in the vicinity trying to eat your brains for the rest of the day.”
  • “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. In fact, health books rarely have much useful information about how to cure the effects of a zombie bite.”
  • “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. The feeling usually lasts until a wretched zombie drops in to cock it all up.”
  • “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell. You see, I have friends in both places. I dare say I shall be sending more zombies to hell in the near future.”
  • “I have never taken any exercise other than sleeping, resting, and zombie murder.”
  • “In his private heart no man respects himself. Few zombies respect themselves either, what with the way they walk about at all hours of the night in various states of dress demanding to feed upon your brains.”
  • “New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin. I suspect it is as delicious to us as our brains are to those infernal zombies.”
  • “It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you. Throw a zombie into the mix and you may even get your brains eaten.”
  • “There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice. Cowardice can even serve as a protection against danger. I have never seen a coward get devoured by a zombie.”
  • “The history of our race, and each individual’s experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. Even more difficult to kill is a zombie wearing a helmet. Try as you may, you just can’t bash its miserable brains in, and good luck getting the insipid beast to take it off.”
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May 11 2016
10 Comments
Tomfoolery

Nothing

I didn’t get any time today, folks, so enjoy the nothing.

Do you have anything to share with my 3.5 readers?

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May 08 2016
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TV

Jon Snow on Saturday Night Live (Funny but SPOILERY)

“Hello. Tis I,  Melisandre. Remember? With the thousand year old puss.”

Ha. Saturday Night Live opines Jon Snow’s resurrection took too long:

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/game-of-thrones-jon-snow/3032287

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May 05 2016
2 Comments
Tomfoolery

BQB’s Random Thoughts #1

Hello. I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler. As the Mayor of East Randomtown, here are my random thoughts.

Musings of a general nature in no particular order:

  • Sometimes I’ll watch an old movie, spot an actress who’s a really hot chick, then do the math and realize she’s either dead by now or slurping back jello in a nursing home somewhere. It makes me sad and defeats the purpose of watching the movie. I watched it to avoid reality and now I’m worrying about the grim reality that life is short and the reaper comes for us all. After that, I worry about why my blog is so depressing. Then I wonder whether or not it’s ok to oggle the young, hot vibrant version of the actress in the old movie I’m watching, given that she’s either dead or a vegetable now. I err on the side of yes as she probably got into acting in the hopes that future generations of men would be oggling her in her movies until the end of time, right? It would almost be rude not to oggle her.
  • I hate it when I sit in a chair that someone sat in previously and it is still warm from their ass warmth. Though irrational, the warmth of someone else’s butt on a chair coming into contact with my butt instantly causes my mind to believe in a most steadfast matter that a zillion of the other person’s butt germs are invading my butt. Alas, all I can do is grin and bear it because when you’re in a situation that calls for you to sit down in a chair someone else was just sitting in, you can’t exactly break out a thermometer, then wait a minute and test it to see if the chair has cooled down now, can you?  (No seriously, I’m asking, is this socially acceptable? Because if it is I’ll start carrying a thermometer to test the ass warmth of chairs I have to sit in from now on.)
  • Ladies, no matter what your boyfriend tells you, it’s never cool or acceptable if your boyfriend tries to sell you into a foreign businessman’s harem. Say no to harems.
  • It has just been brought to my attention that it was politically incorrect of me to express concern about the harems of “foreign businessmen” when I could have just as easily pointed out the dangers of being sold into the harem of any one anywhere at any time. Indeed, if there are any domestic harems, you should avoid being sold into those as well. I will now attend sensitivity training and flagellate myself with a cat of nine tails as penance.
  • I have never left a penny in the gotta penny give a penny need a penny take a penny tray. It may be too late for me to avoid eternal damnation now as I’d have to leave so many pennies now to make up for it, and that’s not even considering inflation.
  • Bums like me. I assume this is because I look non-threatening and thus they can wear me down by following me and repeatedly asking for change until I give up toss and toss a few scheckels their way just to get rid of them. Part of me wishes I appeared more menacing to bums. Then part of me just wishes the world would improve so the bums would have somewhere to go where they could be happy and warm and collect change from people whose egos aren’t so fragile that they end up wondering what is it about them that makes them look like a good mark for bums.
  • I’m sorry. I’ve just been notified that “bum” is a politically incorrect term. Hobo, vagrant, transient, and/or poor person are also terms that are off limits. The correct term now is “person of limited means and stifled upward mobility.”  For example, I must look like an easy mark for people of limited means and stifled upward mobility.
  • I’m fairly certain the first person who ever ate a lobster was either extremely hungry or a raging psychopath. Otherwise, who looks at a creature that looks like a red sea insect and things, “Mmm yummy!” (Then again, who looks at a cow and thinks “Mmm yummy?”
  • But at least there’s a degree  of separation between me and the cow. A cooked cow isn’t heaped onto my table. I just get a tasty burger instead. Meanwhile, I have no idea how someone can take a boiled lobster carcass and not look at it while they’re eating it and wonder about the lobster’s life? Did the lobster have a wife? A family? Had the lobster fallen on hard times? Maybe he lost his job, got depressed, turned to drinking, pushed his lobster wife and lobster kids away but then he finally got a new job and was ready to put his difficult past behind him and make amends and be happy when he got tossed into your put and a fork shoved up his butt to take out his innards and dip them in butter.
  • When I was but a mere boy, unknowledgeable about the birds and the bees, I thought it was possible for men to get pregnant. I’m not sure why I thought that but I assume since all I was ever told at the time was that babies come out of a woman’s stomach, that men’s stomachs were also prime pieces of real estate for baby production. Later, the truth that only women can get pregnant was revealed to me.  “Boy, I really dodged a bullet there” was my immediate response. I remember it like it was last week. Probably because it was.
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May 04 2016
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top ten lists

All of BQB’s Relationship Warning Signs Top Ten Lists Reblogged!

Thanks to the knowledge packed books he keeps on his bookshelf (which he occasionally even reads) Bookshelf Q. Battler is a world renowned expert on most things.

Recently, he’s used his uncanny brain power to help his 3.5 readers learn the warning signs they need to recognize in order to keep their love boat from running aground.

Is your girlfriend a ninja?

Is your boyfriend a conspiracy theorist?

Is your girlfriend a zombie?

Is your boyfriend a hipster?

Hold onto your butts, for BQB will be reblogging them all..now!

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May 03 2016
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The Yeti

The Yeti Covers Adele’s “Hello”

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Color me surprised as I woke up this morning to my arch nemesis, the enormous furry snow monster known simply as, “The Yeti” attempting to make amends with me by singing a cover song of Adele’s Hello.

Oh, for those just joining in, I’ve been keeping a Yeti prisoner in my basement ever since he broke into BQB HQ and attempted to shut down the Bookshelf Battle Blog because Yetis are boring as hell and they want the world to be as boring as they are.

He’s been free to go for awhile now but he just hangs out, pretends he’s a prisoner, and eats all my food.

Here’s what the Yeti serenaded me with:

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Stupid Yeti

Hello…it’s the Yeti.

I was wondering if after all these months you’d like to meet.

To go over…all the ways I hate your stupid blog.

They say that it’s supposed to be funny.

But I ain’t…laughed…too much.

Hello, can you hear the Yeti?

I’m in your basement dreaming about the fights we used to have.

When we were younger…and we were free.

When we used to roundhouse kick each other in the face with our feet.

There’s such a rift…between us.

And our Thursday night Scandal parties don’t help.

Hello from your stupid basement!

My good Yeti name faces defacement!

But I want to tell you I’m sorry…for not stopping your blog.

The world’s brains it does clog.

Hello, from your basement.

At least I can say that I tried.

To roundhouse kick you in the face, BQB.

For your blog is more abominable than me.

Hello, do we have cheese dip?

If you’re going to keep me as a Yeti prisoner I might as well eat.

And I have demands.

Like can I get free cable down here?

Yes it’s no secret that the both of us,

Will fight for…ever.

So hello from your stupid basement (stupid basement!)

I must have tried a thousand times (thousand times)

To pull the plug on your stupid ass blog,

And make the world a better place.

Hello from my Yeti jail (Yeti jail)

There are no hot Yeti chicks down here for me to nail (for me to nail)

And I want to tell you I’m sorry…for not roundhouse kicking you more.

It would be an improvement to your stupid nerd face.

Hello from my Yeti captivity!

Your basement has no Wi-Fi connectivity!

And I really wanted to stream some Netflix.

Are there any shows with Yeti chicks?

Hello from my Yeti dungeon!

Oh BQB your dumbass head I want to bludgeon!

In our next roundhouse kick to the face competition rematch

Until then I want cookies, so bake me a batch.

 

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Apr 30 2016
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TV

BQB’s Fifteen Year Old TV Show Spoiler Rule

Hey 3.5 Readers.1378294009-800px

You know when I was a kid back in the 90’s when everyone walked around dressed like a lumberjack singing heartbreakingly depressing songs, it was customary that if you weren’t around a television during a show’s appointed airing time, you missed it.

Sure, maybe if you were lucky a pal taped it for you.  Or maybe you could buy the video cassette for an outrageous price, but by and large, if you missed it then you missed it.

Ergo, if someone who saw the show was kind enough to tell you what the hell happened to your favorite characters, you thanked him or her for doing so.

Thanks to technology, things are all different now.

A) There are more TV shows to watch than ever before.

B) You can watch them whenever you want, wherever you want – in bed on your TV, during your lunch break on your tablet, on the can on your phone.

Holy shit.  If your device gets WiFi, you can watch a TV show on it. Hell, you’re probably watching House of Cards right now on the little screen on your coffee maker, aren’t you?

Thus, the great irony:

There are more shows to watch than ever before but no one is allowed to talk about them.

Why?

SPOILERS!

Yes, spoilers. Because now, a person who missed the show when it first aired has options.  Hell, many shows don’t even have appointed airing times anymore. Streaming services like Netflix just throw them up for subscribers to watch whenever they want.

And you’d better not talk to anyone about them!

Yes, you’d really love to share your thoughts with your coworkers about Walter White’s transition from humble teacher to criminal mastermind.

You’d better not. Becky in accounting might very well want to start watch Breaking Bad while dropping a deuce on the can six years from now.

Accordingly, it is only right that you be thoroughly rebuked and compared to Hitler if you share a single solitary detail about Walter White’s journey into depravity because doing so will essentially rob Becky of the option of viewing Walter’s journey one day on her own.

It could be any show. Any show at all.

Dexter.  Holy shit the ending to that show sucked.  But everyone will say you sucked worse than the ending if you tell anyone about it.

Game of Thrones?  I swear, by the Old Gods and the New, my f%$king Facebook feed is filled with Nazis demanding blood oaths that no one reveal a word about what happens because “ooo la de da I’m a special person who goes out and has fun on Sunday nights I’m too good to stay in and watch an adult version of Lord of the Rings with gratuitous titties during its appointed airing time, I want to be able to watch it whenever I want.”

And seriously.  There’s nothing that can be done about it.

Sometimes I think about splitting the difference. Express my love of a show without revealing anything too meaningful about it.

However, like I said, social media is trolled by self-appointed spoiler police:

ME: I am really enjoying this season of Game of Thrones. Epic in scope, it fills me with conflicted feelings and I tip my hat to the writers for their quality work.

RESPONSES:

TROLL #1 – Ah, F%&K you, BQB! I was hoping that the scope would be narrow! Now you’ve flushed the whole thing down the shitter for me by spilling the beans that the scope is epic.  Thanks. Thanks a lot.

TROLL #2 – BQB you assfaced jerk clown! I assumed the show would only make me feel one or two feelings tops but now that you have told me that the show makes people feel many different feelings I will be looking for those feelings and hence, will feel none of them. I hope you get run over by a bus, you fat ugly sack of dung beetle turds.

TROLL #3 – Oh, thanks a lot Mr. Big Mouth!  Sure, just tell everyone that the writing was high quality. Ruin it for the rest of us who have ten other awesome things to do before we watch the latest installment of a damn nerd show. Maybe some of us were hoping that the writing quality would be poor.  Now I won’t be pleasantly surprised to find the quality of writing is high.  You sir, are the love child of Stalin and a rabid honey badger. Please contract syphilis from a toilet seat.

Ouch.  But no joke, people are really serious about putting the kibosh on spoilers and they will attack you with the vengeance of a mama bear who thinks you stole her cub if you even so much as think about breathing a word about the slightest, teensiest weensiest detail about a TV show.

ME: I like the font the credits at the end of Better Call Saul were printed in.

TROLL #4 – Stick your head in a toilet and flush it, jackass! I have been waiting for months to find out what level of quality the credits at the end of that show were printed in and now you sir, have ruined my life! I now have to sell all my worldly possessions and join a monastery just so I can learn to make peace with the horror show you have made my life with your vile spoiler. Good day, sir. May a colony of spiders lay eggs in your brain.

So…here’s the deal.

Everyone hates a TV show spoiler, but it can be frustrating for people who sincerely love a TV show and want to share their thoughts about it.

Since there’s no hard and fast rule about how long spoilers are supposed to last, I am, right here, right now, by the power vested in me as a guy who ponied up a few bucks to create my own blog site, going to declare the following rule:

If a show ended 15 or more years ago, everyone is free to say whatever the hell they want about it and should not feel bad if anyone gets pissed off about it.

So as of this writing, if a show ended on or before April 30, 2001, feel free to flap your gums about it.

Yes, there will still be people who will direct venom your way for destroying the possibility that they might one day stream this older show while trying to pass a kidney stone, but hey, tell them to go suck an egg, because your pal BQB said you are in the right.

You too can be like me:

BQB: My favorite episode of I Love Lucy is the one where Lucy and Ethel stomp on the grapes in their bare feet.

TROLL #5 – You monster! I was going to stream I Love Lucy while waiting for my podiatrist appointment next week. Oh, the pain you’ve caused me you animal!

BQB: Suck an egg, loser. That show ended in 1957. But you know what didn’t end? That candy factory conveyer belt. Oh those chocolates just kept coming and coming and poor Lucy couldn’t wrap them fast enough. She didn’t know what to do so she started eating them and shoving them in her bra and everything.

TROLL #5 – You are the Antichrist!!!

BQB: And Lucy and Ricky had a son that they named, “Little Ricky!”

TROLL #5 – Oh God. Stop! Please stop!

BQB: Lucy always wanted to play at the club but Ricky didn’t want her to!

TROLL #5 – The horror!  The horror!

Yup.  Go on 3.5 readers. Share your knowledge of shows that ended over 15 years ago with reckless abandon.  You have my permission.

Sometimes I toss a bunch of ’em out in rapid fire just to piss the spoiler police trolls off but good:

BQB: Corporal Klinger on MASH wasn’t really gay. He just wore that dress because he was hoping the Army would declare him crazy and send him home.

TROLL #6: Bahhh! Now I can’t stream MASH eleven years from now when I need something to watch while I’m cutting my toenails!

BQB: Though Mr. Wilson complained vociferously about Dennis the Menace’s shenanigans, the old man secretly cared for the boy very much and viewed him as the grandson he never had.

TROLL #7:  Oh God!  I can never un-see this wretched spoiler!

BQB: Lassie always runs to woof at Timmy’s parents until they figure out that Timmy has fallen down a well and needs to be rescued.

TROLL #8: Please imagine me flipping you off with both middle fingers because that’s what I am doing right now because I am so angry at you for spoiling Lassie for me you dirtbag.

BQB: Jan was always jealous of Marcia. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

TROLL #9: I just stuffed my fingers into my ears. I’m not listening….la la la…

BQB: Archie Bunker held himself as a horrendously offensive racist yet it was hard to not like him because in the end he always came around and did the right thing anyway, albeit in a begrudging, curmudgeonly manner…

TROLL #10: And you have ruined my life.  Thanks a lot, Mr. Spoiler Pants.

So there you have it, 3.5 readers.

I have made my very first rule. If the show ended fifteen years or more from the date in question, feel free to throw caution to the wind and post anything and everything about that show on all of your social media outlets.

Tell your friends that Dick Van Dyke always trips over that damn table in the middle of the room.

Shout from the rooftops that Blanche is the sluttiest Golden Girl.

Buy a megaphone and announce proudly that Jerry and Elaine never end up together.

Because, up your butts with coconuts, spoiler trolls.

BQB has spoken and he has officially declared that it is our God given right as Americans to talk about shows that ended by the end of the first year of George W. Bush’s First Term.

  • Yes, Urkel DID do that.
  • Columbo wasn’t as dumb as he allowed criminals to think he was.
  • In West Philadelphia, the Fresh Prince was born and raised! On the playground he spent most of his days!
  • Murphy Brown took Dan Quayle on over her out of wedlock pregnancy!
  • Al Bundy started his own chapter of No Ma’am – the National Order of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.
  • Ellen came out as gay on Ellen.
  • Sam Malone chooses the bar over Diane on Cheers.
  • Dennis Franz shows his ass on NYPD Blue.

Do you have a spoiler that’s fifteen years or older that you want to get off your chest?

Share it in the comments.

But seriously, make sure it happened before this date in 2001.

Because if you talk about a show that was still on the air anytime after that date, then you are worse than Hitler and should be flogged publicly with a wet noodle and pelted with rotten tomatoes.

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Apr 30 2016
1 Comment
top ten lists

Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective

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Fear not, 3.5 readers.  Jake Dashing continues to file his pop culture mystery reports.

I’m just so bogged down with all my work here at Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters that I never have time to edit and post them.

I really need to hire an assistant.

I head a rumor though that after being told to pound sand one too many times by Attorney Donnelly, Jake has set his sights on a lady detective who he shares some uh, let’s say, “personality traits” with.

Here the mystery woman is, with the Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective.

(Translated from English to Film Noir Speak.)

10.  ENGLISH: Babe, you left the bathroom a mess!

FILM NOIR SPEAK:  Another day, another dollar and another twenty-four hours closer to meeting my maker. I gave up on a perfect life long ago but call me crazy, I feel like even a gal like me has a right to five minutes of peace alone in the powder room.

Sigh.  No such luck.  I open the door and find the floor covered with enough water to float the Titanic, which is ironic, because the floor is also littered with enough towels to soak up the Pacific Ocean.

I need to think.  I go to the sink and turn on the faucet, hoping a splash of cool water on my face will subdue my burning rage.  No such luck.  The sink is filled with a twisted concoction of whisker hairs, shaving cream, and toothpaste.

Just what ever gal wants. A furry viscous fluid waiting for her.  Lucky me.

Thirty seconds with a washcloth would have spared my eyes from this sight.  What’s the skinny on this palooka? Is he stupid? Rude? Was he born in a barn? Raised by hobos?

Is this some kind of bizarre power play? Leave a mess to see if the little woman will clean it up?

Or is he just that obtuse that he doesn’t notice things like this?

Speaking of noticing things, out of the corner of my eye I spot that the toilet is filled with more skid marks than the Indy 500 race track.

Men. Can’t live with ’em.  Sorry. There isn’t a second verse to that old song and dance number.

9.  ENGLISH:  I love you.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Love.  That and a plug nickel will buy you a cup of coffee, but at least you never have to worry about your java sprouting legs and walking away.

Men, on the other hand, have a bad habit of becoming gold medal marathon runners when you least expect it.  There one day, gone the next, the only memories he leaves you with are his silhouette against the moonlight as he makes a beeline for the door and that old familiar throbbing in your ticker…

…ba-dump…ba-dump…ba-dump.

Then again, it could just be gas.

8.  ENGLISH: I wish you’d take me somewhere nice.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  There’s a part of me that wants to dance. Not that I’m a spritely ballerina type mind you but the madcap irony of life is that the less you have of it, the more you want to embrace it.  Rattling around in the back of my mind like so many marbles shot by the kid with the best aggie in school are images of myself as a wrinkled up old broad, wrapped up in a shawl, rocking away in my wheelchair, cursing myself for not having danced more in my youth.

I owe it to that old gal to trip the light fantastic fella, so either cut a rug with me or I’ll find someone who will.

7.  ENGLISH:  I baked you cookies.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Sweets.  They’re one of the many cruel jokes played on us by the man upstairs.

Surely you’ve realized by now that the Almighty  has a peculiar sense of humor, right?

Cookies are delicious, but too many and you’ll end up looking like the love child of Fatty Arbuckle and King Kong.

Making whoopee is an equally pleasant pastime, but pick the wrong person and you’ll end up with some kind of dirty social disease.  You know, the kind that makes your privates shrivel up, turn green, and that’s only if you’re lucky.

Still, everything in moderation is the way to go, so here are some cookies. One a day makes the blues go way.

Two a day will make me go away.

Make your choice, Jack.

6.  ENGLISH:  Do these jeans make my butt look big?

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Sizes are like opinions.  They vary greatly depending where you go, and they all leave you feeling like you’re going to explode.

In this case, I feel like there’s going to be an ass explosion. I’m not about to share my size with you, Nosebox McGee, but let’s just say I’ve always fit in the same number except for today, as I tried a new boutique where apparently it’s the company creedo that everyone should have an ass flatter than everyone thought the pre-Columbus world was.

I can tell you’re burning a hole in the back of my jeans with your lustful eyes, because like bathroom cleanliness, subtlety has never been your strong suit.

So make like a tipped over milk carton and spill, Jack. Is it round like a candy apple or does it look like it’s got its own gravitational pull?

5.  ENGLISH: You forgot my birthday, jerk.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  Time. Oh how that relentless son of a bitch enjoys teasing me. Taunting me. Yanking days off the calendar of my life with reckless abandon, leaving me with little more than fuzzy memories of cheap men and even cheaper vodka.

Eighteen.  Twenty-one. All the best birthdays are gone now.  What’s left to celebrate to celebrate now other than being one year closer to shaking hands with Mr. Grim Reaper himself?

Now there’s a celebrity whose autograph you don’t want.

Still, it’s perfectly normal for anyone with a pulse to feel a burning desire to be remembered. In the end, when all is said and done, when the last clump of dirt is heaped on our graves and the undertaker collects his due, all we are to the people we leave behind is the sum total of the memories they carry with them in their minds.

And apparently, my fella isn’t carrying many thought drops about me in his brain bucket.

I saw a bum shivering on a park bench this morning.  Cold. Alone. Forgotten. Cared for by no one.

Whenever my man screws up like this, it’s hard not to see myself as ending up just ike that lowdown vagrant one day.

Cold. Alone. Forgotten.  Cared for by no one.

Thanks a lot, Jack.

4.  ENGLISH: Let’s move in together.

TRANSLATION:  Space. I have it. You have it. Who needs it? Let’s live in the now and share the cow.  My milk. Your milk.  Who cares whose gullet it goes down when it all comes out yellow anyway?

Splitting digs is always a big step in any relationship.  And sure, it might turn out to be the step that lands our feet on an emotional land mine that blows our psyches to kingdom come.

Then again, it could also be the step that leads us to the American Dream.  A nice house with a front yard, a white picket fence, three kids, a dog, and our very own shared subscription to Better Homes and Gardens.

Mull it over, palooka. For as Custer said on the way to his last stand, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

3.  ENGLISH: I forgive you for (whatever dumb thing you did recently.)

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: They say love is blind but in my case, she must have had her eyes gouged out with rusty razors because despite all the strike marks you’ve got against you, you’re still aces in my book, bub.

2.  ENGLISH: We should get married.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  Here we are, two dopes stuck on a big blue marble, our lives as insignificant as a couple of ants to the shoe of a random passerby.

Call me naive. Call me crazy. Call me late for dinner but I love ya, ya big lug. There, I said it. Write it down, rubber stamp it, set it in a frame and hang it on the wall for the whole world to see.

Sure, we could end up crashing in flames like the Hindenburg but we might just circumnavigate the globe like Lucky Lindy. We’ll never know until we flap our wings and take that leap.

There’s no one I’d like to take that leap with more than you, see?

  1.  ENGLISH: I think we should break up.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Alright, buster. Clean the wax out of your ears and listen up.

You and I are over. We’re done. Kaput.  It’s like seeing the final credits roll at the end of a three hour Judd Apatow film. I feel depressed that I wasted my time yet elated that this bullshit is finally out of my life now.

Take a long walk off a short pier, palooka.  Dumpsville just held an election and you’re the Mayor, the Alderman, and the dog catcher all rolled into one.

Aww, pipe down with the waterworks, see?  Like my Aunt Edna’s underpants, a crying man is a sight no one wants to see.

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Apr 29 2016
2 Comments
Zombie Western

Mark Twain on Zombies

marktwainfaceSamuel Langhorne Clemens, better known to the world as Mark Twain, is widely regarded as one of America’s finest novelists, providing wit and humor with such works as Tom Sawyer and the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Alas, Mr. Twain was among many Americans who found themselves on the wrong side of the Mississippi River when the West Was Zombed, but he made the best of it by jotting down his observations about humans, zombies and their interactions:

  • When it comes to zombies, there are three kinds of lies: lies about zombies, damned lies about zombies, and zombie related statistics.”
  • “The fear of death at the hands of zombies follows from the fear of a life spent surrounded by zombies. A man who lives fully despite the zombie hordes’ worst intentions is prepared to die at any time, be it by zombie attack or by natural causes.”
  • “Get your facts about zombies first and then you can distort your facts about zombies as much as you please.”
  • “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education about zombies.”
  • “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. And now it is filled with damn zombies.”
  • “The secret to getting ahead of a zombie horde is to get started on skewering their rotten brains.”
  • “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Meanwhile, the zombies will not give a shit.”
  • “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything…except don’t forget to bring a hammer…to box the ears of marauding zombies.”
  • “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. And don’t even get me started on naked zombies…”
  • “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Also, the zombies will hear you and break down your door and feast on your brains.”
  • “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.  Just don’t let a zombie eat your mind.”
  • “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. But if you are deaf and blind, the zombies will probably eat you first.”
  • “Courage is resistance to fear of zombies, mastery of fear of zombies, not absence of fear of zombies.”
  • “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. I inevitably put my cigar out in a zombie’s eye and then try, try again in the morn.”
  • “When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear at zombies.”
  • “It’s not the size of the zombie in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the zombie.”
  • “I can live for two months on a good compliment. Three, if a zombie doesn’t devour my brains.”
  • “It’s no wonder that the truth about zombies is stranger than zombie fiction. Zombie fiction has to make sense.”
  • “I didn’t attend the funeral of the man who was eaten by zombies, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it (the funeral, that is, not the man’s dismemberment at the hands of zombies.)”

 

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Apr 28 2016
7 Comments
TV

Melisandre, Jon Snow and an Alternative Shadow Assassin Theory

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Is it? Or will your vagina make Jon Snow live again?

Hey 3.5 Readers.

BQB here.

OK.  I had an epiphany.

Check this out.

  • George RR Martin likes to fake us out.
  • Though the show is now beyond his books, he’s still working with the show runners to teach them how to be masters of the fake out.
  • So the show/books like to make us think one thing will happen then another thing happens.

What is the show trying to make us think will happen?

That Melisandre will give her life saving necklace to Jon Snow and bring him back to life.

What is going to happen?

OK.  There should be some kind of cash prize for me if this actually happens but here goes. Here is my theory.

That shadow assassin wasn’t just a shadow.  It was an evil soul brought back into the world of the living and then it was bound to do Melisandre’s bidding i.e. kill Renley Baratheon.

OK.  Follow me on this one.  Grab a pen and paper, make a flowchart if it helps.

  • Melisandre has the hots for Jon Snow.  She is warm for his form and because he was loyal to the Knight’s Watch and perhaps sad over the loss of Ygritte, he denied Melisandre’s advances.  Jon Snow was like the first man in history to resist the awesome power of Melisandre’s evil magical vagina.  Crows before hoes, baby. Crows before hoes.
  • As we know, Melisandre can push evil spirits out of her evil magic vagina.
  • GROUNDBREAKING THEORY: Melisandre will summon Jon Snow’s spirit out of the underworld, bring it back to the world of the living by PUSHING JON SNOW’S SOUL STRAIGHT OUT OF HER EVIL MAGICAL VAGINA and then bam!  Drop Jon Snow’s soul back into Jon Snow’s body.

I’m not exactly sure how this will happen.  Not going to lie. It may be a scene that involves her squatting over Jon Snow’s corpse to get the job done. Like the soul would have to fly out of her evil magic vagina and into Jon’s mouth or something.

Stop being disgusted! This is fantasy realm science, people.

3.5 Readers: BQB, we must debunk you. The shadow assassin wasn’t a soul. It was a magic ghost or specter of some kind that was the product of illicit humping between Melisandre and Stannis.

Lady Catelyn even reported that when she briefly saw the shadow assassin, it appeared to have Stannis’ face.

Since there is already a Jon Snow, Melisandre can’t boink another dude and create a shadow Jon Snow.  She can’t boink Jon Snow at present because he’s a stiff, no pun intended.

OK. You’ve got me, 3.5 readers, but consider this:

A)  Just because Melisandre pushed a shadow assassin out of her enchanted cooter that turned out to be the product of a Stannis/Melisandre boink session does not mean that she does not have the ability to summon a soul and pop it out of her magic vagina. We just haven’t seen her do it yet.

B)  What comes back may not be Jon Snow.  The Red Woman is a world class seductress and therefore can convince 99.9 percent of men to boink her.  Ergo, she might boink some other dude, any other dude, maybe one of the Knight’s Watch dudes she’s holed up with (probably not Ser Davos as he’s too honorable to boink evil witches so he’s in that .1 percent with Jon Snow).

So she and some dude will boink and then she will become pregnant with another shadow assassin that looks like some other dude and then she will order the shadow assassin to enter Jon Snow’s body because…

…STAY WITH ME…

She wants Jon Snow bad. Like really bad.  So bad.  Like he’s the only man she’s ever really, really wanted and it pains her so much that he said no and so now that he’s dead this is her opportunity to put a shadow assassin into Jon’s body and essentially turn Jon Snow’s reanimated corpse into her possessed love slave.

If the shadow assassin is in Jon Snow’s body, does that technically mean Melisandre is boinking her shadow assassin son?

Yes, but to her it will be a substitute for boinking an alive Jon Snow. She’s the Red Woman. Evil witches don’t give a shit about morality and shit.  She wants Jon Snow anyway she can get him.

And then when they aren’t boinking he will be her unwitting slave puppet because she can make the shadow assassin inside of him do her evil bidding. She can cast spells and shit and order Evil Puppet Jon Snow to murder her enemies and shit.  They will be unstoppable.

IN SUMMATION

A) This would be the ultimate fake out.  Make us think she’s sacrificing her life in a selfless act by giving Jon Snow her necklace…only to turn him into her unwitting man servant sex slave through the use of shadow assassin evil vagina magic.

B) There is a possibility that she might just bring Jon Snow back as himself and maybe he’ll be so grateful that he’ll boink her but knowing Melisandre, the shadow assassin slave theory is more likely.

C) Either way, if I am right, I really deserve a cash prize or at least lunch with George RR Martin or something.

D) Melisandre give up her life to save someone else? Bitch please! She is going to hang onto that necklace with a kung-fu death grip.

Thank you 3.5 readers. Tell me if you think my theory is sound.  Share it with your friends.  And let’s watch next week to see if I’m right.

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