…so every so often I have to play the video, which I think came out well:
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: nerds
The Great Prognostications of the Astounding Nerdstradamus – Hobo Sex Symbols and Fart Money
And now, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Astounding Nerdstradamus shares his confounding prognostications of the future of nerd kind…
Come forth, 3.5 readers and bask in my all seeing glory for I, the Astounding Nerdstradamus, shall open your eyes so that you might peer deep into the future of nerd-dom:
- Acclaimed film director Quentin Tarantino, who gained critical acclaim with his 1990s gangster flicks (“Pulp Fiction” and “Reservoir Dogs”) which featured snappy, witty, back and forth dialogue, shall wow sci-fi nerds with a foray into a “Star Trek” film. It will be three hours long, two hours of which will be spent on Capt. Kirk asking Mr. Spock how many dicks Madonna might have been referring to when she sang the 1980s pop hit, “Like a Version.” Then, some klingons will break in, spew multiple 1970s references and then the Enterprise will travel through time and crash into a meeting of Nazis and 1800s slave masters, both groups having also come together to plot dastardly deeds via space travel. The final fifteen minutes will be an obscenity laden blood bath. You’ll wish Quentin had done better, but you’ll hand it to him that he made two awesome movies in the 1990s (three if you count “Jackie Brown” though many don’t although they really should) and now he just gets to have a lot of fun.
- Internet sensation Grumpy Cat will be accused of sexually molesting a hamster and will be pilloried by the #metoo movement. The hamster will appear on multiple talk shows to discuss the harrowing ordeal that grumpy feline put him through.
- China will continue to clone adorable monkeys. This is how “The Planet of the Apes” begins. Stockpile bananas now, for they will prove to be valuable currency later. Also, they’re a good source of potassium, so really, it’s just common sense.
- Bill and Hillary Clinton will appear on a special edition of the Maury Povich show. They will drop their pants and reveal that Bill had the vagina all along, while Hillary was packing the penis. Further, Maury will reveal lab tests indicating that Hillary is Chelsea’s father.
- Hobos will become the next sex symbols. Dousing yourself with trash and inviting your date to dine on a can of beans that you light up by rubbing the business end of a 99-cent cigarette lighter of the bottom of the can will be the one and only way to get laid.
- Bit coin will be popular until it is replace with X-coin. X-coin will be replaced with Giga coin. Giga coin will collapse, taking the dollar and even gold with it. For the first time ever, gold will be worth zero. Farts will become the only acceptable form of currency. To pay for anything, one will be required to fart in a merchant’s specially designed fart storage receptacle. Fat, gassy people will finally have their chance to be millionaires. Alas, 99 percent of the world’s fart wealth shall reside in the colons of the wealthiest 1 percent of refried bean can owners.
- Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog will be studied in a 2175 writing seminar entitled, “How to Not Blog.”
YOUR PREDICTIONS:
Share your predictions of the nerdy future in the comments below. Alas, if you do, I prognosticate that you will be alone with nothing but a rubber woman and extreme sadness every Saturday night for the next three years. You will then buy a house plant and your abode won’t feel so lonely.
If you’re just joining us…
…I got tired of trying to explain to people what this fine blog is all about, so I paid this lady to do it for me:
I Paid Money for This…
…so I feel like I have to run it every once in awhile:
Help Me Decide on a Bookshelf Q. Battler Logo
Hey 3.5 readers. I have been cartoonified!
I’m reaching a deadline to decide and I need your help as they are all so good I can’t pick one.
Let us refer to these as “Set 1” and “Options 1 and 2”
Let us refer to these as “Set 2” and Options 3 and 4
My thoughts:
- I like the font in Set 1, Option 2 where “Battler” is curved. I like how his hand is covering “Bookshelf.” However, I have little faith in people’s abilities and worry maybe they won’t get it and won’t be able to read my name because the hand is covering it.
- Part of me wants to go with Set 1, Option 1, and have the text read “Bookshelf Q. Battler” instead of “Bookshelf Battle” in that block print. Ultimately, this is going to be my author photo on Amazon and Social Media so it needs to say “Bookshelf Q. Battler.” Notice though that his abs are white whereas his upper torso is blue. The problem the artist faced was that if he made the abs blue it would conflict into the blue “Bookshelf” print. So he made the abs white. I worried people might not notice and think that he just forgot to fill in the stomach but then again the abs are drawn in with a little six pack. Most superhero costumes are one color though I suppose it isn’t impossible for a superhero to wear a costume with a blue upper body and white stomach.
- Set 2, Option 4 fixes the stomach problem by filling the stomach in with a different, darker shade of blue. The orange is nice. For some reason, I feel like the abs get lost in the dark blue though. And I wonder if the white lettering isn’t better than the orange. But then again, is the orange catchier. I don’t know.
VOTE!
For me, I think it is basically down to Set 1, Option 1 vs Set 2, Option 4. I’m banging my head against the wall though because I feel like to pick one I lose the other and I worry whatever I pick I’ll wish I had picked the other.
So give me some insight.
If it helps to know what I’ll use this for – I’m going to put it in the introduction section of all my books and in my social media and as my author photo so imagine it being used for that.
Feedback, please.
BQB’s Book is Climbing the Charts!
Check it out, 3.5 readers:
I’m #14 in the Top 100 Books in the Free Writing Skills Reference Category.
Can we drive this higher? Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts is going to be free all weekend. Why not grab a free copy, give it a badass review, and work on some of the prompts and share your results with your blog audience?
Tell your friends, social media followers, etc.
I’m not getting any younger people. I know. I read your blogs. You’re all like “Oh la dee da I’m in the writing game for the artistic wonder of it all” and I’d like to say that in it for that but, you know, also…fame and fortune. And parties in Malibu mansions filled with scantily clad women…parties that aren’t going to happen unless you download your free copy today.
3.5 READERS: Oh, that’s awesome BQB. We love you so much and we’re going to thank you for all the free entertainment you’ve provided for us over the years by downloading your book for free.
Thank you 3.5 readers. I love you too. Download my book for free here.
BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts – Free June 8 – June 12
That’s right, 3.5 readers. You can save all 3.5 of your dollars, for my debut book, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts is going to be free starting today, Thursday, June 8 all the way through Monday, June 12.
Save your money, or spend it on comic books, candy and whoopie cushions. All I want is for all 3.5 of you to mosey on over to Amazon, download my book for free and if you like it, perhaps you’d be so kind as to leave a nice review.
If you don’t like it, did you know the Internet is full of cat videos?
Better yet, this book contains 101 Badass Writing Prompts plus a number of bonus sections. If you’re stuck for your next topic to blog about, why not write a short story based on one of these fine prompts and share it with your 3.5 readers?
FREE people! Absolutely free! I’m Crazy BQB and my prices are so low I’m practically giving these e-books away!
Don’t forget I’m enrolled in Amazon KDP so if you have access to the Kindle lending library, then you’ll be able to get this fabulous book for free long after this promotion ends but seriously, why wait? I’d tell you no one likes a procrastinator, but I’m just going to put that off and tell you tomorrow instead.
The Coalition Against Nerface – Battle of the Sexes
Hey 3.5 readers.
As you all know, I am, among other things, a dedicated philanthropist and public activist. I have more causes than you can shake a stick at and if you don’t have a stick, perhaps I’ll donate you stick to you so that you can shake it.
My latest cause is, “The Coalition Against Nerdface.” “Nerdface,” a term that, as far as I know, I coined, happens when a beautiful actress or handsome actor dons the guise of a nerd to play a nerdy role rather than just, oh I don’t know, stepping aside so HOLLYWOOD CAN GIVE A JOB TO AN ACTUAL NERD!
Nerdface. It’s the world’s number one problem and frankly, everyone should stop working on all the other problems until this one is solved.
Case in point. Emma Stone? Super beautiful. Who is she playing? Tennis player Billie Jean King.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Billie Jean was a great tennis player, a feminist, women’s rights icon etc. but she was no looker. That was actually OK in the 1970s, believe it or not. People who did great things would just be liked and respected for doing great things and they didn’t need to look like supermodels while they did them.
What is Hollywood doing? Do they hire, oh I don’t know, an actress that’s kind of butch with glasses? No. They just whip a freaking pair of glasses on Emma.
You know what? New rule. If a character in a movie has glasses, then said character should only be played by a person wearing actual prescription glasses. Otherwise, hate crime! Hate crime, I say!
Nerdface. It’s the worst. Call it out when you see it.
Can you think of any Nerdface examples, 3.5 readers? Discuss in the comments:
Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Visit BookshelfBattle.com
Ahh, bookshelfbattle.com – it’s my virtual space, my online hangout, my digital stomping grounds.
If you’re reading this, you’ve already visited. Congratulations. You’ve shown excellent judgment and are no doubt a person of great wisdom and fantastic, upstanding moral character.
If you’re not reading this then…well, that’s messed up because if you’re not reading this then how could you be reading this? #MindBlown
From BQB HQ in East Randomtown, USA, where all the BQB blog magic happens, its the Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Visit BookshelfBattle.com
#10 – You’re already here, so if you leave, it’s kind of rude.
Stick around awhile. Take off your coat. Have a drink. Eat a cookie. Click on a hundred links on this blog while you’re at it.
#9 – It Will Keep You Off Crack
Do I have any medical or scientific studies to prove the claim that visiting this fine website prevents people from taking crack? No.
Are you taking crack while you’re reading this? (Consults my Magic 8 ball.) “All signs point to ‘No.'”
Therefore, whenever you read this website and don’t take crack while you are reading it…you’re welcome.
#8 – You Can Laugh
Or, learn what doesn’t make people laugh. I mean, I think it’s all funny but I admit, I could just be stuck in my own personal bubble, oblivious to the opinions, thoughts and feelings of others.
It’s a good way to be, come to think of it. Who has time to deal with the opinions, thoughts and feelings of others, especially when mine are the best and really, all that matters?
#7 – You Might Learn Something
Occasionally, this blog gets quasi-educational. You might learn something but note the key word – “might.”
#6 – You’ll Be One of the First Few Humans to Make Contact with an Outer Space Alien
Alien Jones his no joke. He’s from space. Want to make all those losers who made fun of you in high school jealous? Being one of the first few people to comment on an alien’s column is a good way to start.
#5 – Fart jokes.
So many fart jokes.
#4 – Nerds Welcome
No one can give you a wet willy, a wedgie, or a purple nurple here…because, you know, it’s a blog in an intangible written form.
#3 – BQB Will Think You’re Awesome
I really will.
#2 – You’ll Help BQB Save the World from the Mighty Potentate
The more clicks I get, the more likely the Potent One will get off of Earth’s back.
#1 – You Can Be One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers!
Truly, the most exclusive club out there. Do you know of any other clubs with only 3.5 participants?
Bookshelf Battle 