Dear Mighty Potentate,
It’s been roughly two years since you have me to look after Bookshelf Q. Battler, the human author you believe possesses so much talent that he will one day write a novel so perfect that it inspires the masses to abandon reality television.
Not gonna lie, I still don’t see that side of him but hey, you’re the Mighty Potentate.
At any rate, I do believe that his blog, despite being only read by 3.5 readers, has convinced humans that reality television must be rejected. After all, it’s not like America, the greatest of all Earth nations, has elected a reality television star as their ruler or something. I firmly stand by that statement and also, please don’t watch any Earth television.
Bookshelf Q. Battlers End of 2016 Stats are as follows:
WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 2,025
TOTAL 2016 VISITORS: 16,389 (I cannot confirm nor deny that most of these were BQB’s Aunt Gertie).
TOTAL 2016 LIKES: 7,502
TOTAL 2016 VIEWS: 27,524 (Most were people who came here looking for directions on how to get away from here).
TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 8,184 (Follow BQB @bookshelfbattle)
FACEBOOK FOLLOWERS: 287 (Though BQB is considering scraping up some cash to use as a bribe to Earth Techno-Lord Zuckerberg to allow him more Facebook friends. Like BQB on Facebook – @bookshelfqbattler)
Moreover, oh Potent One, BQB continues to seek new ways to bring traffic to his most pathetic blog. Search engine optimization appears to be BQB’s forte as he has brought in 11,576 visitors this year alone through search engine hits (though again, most were people who came here looking for directions on how to get away from here).
Based on these stats, Mightiest of Potentates, I recommend holding back your invasion of Earth for another year in order to allow BQB to continue working on his writing career. He’s building a platform, he continues to try, and though he has the attention span of amoeba, I believe 2017 will be the year when he publishes a novel.
As always, it has been a pleasure serving you, oh splendid Potent One, and though there have been rumors to the effect that I feel this job is far, far, far below my capabilities, I gladly accept any and all orders you have with a smile.
But seriously…please don’t vaporize me.
Your humble servent,
Alien Jones, the Esteemed Brainy One
By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Super Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster
Hello overstimulated 3.5 readers.
The Yeti here, back with some more boring things for you to do.
#1 – Eat a Bag of Rice Cakes
Literally, like consuming styrofoam. What is the point? You can eat a bag of them and it is like 10 calories or something. Rice cakes are like methadone for a recovering fat person. Very boring.
#2 – Wait in a Line
Doesn’t matter what it is for. Just pick a line and wait.
#3 – Do a Crossword Puzzle
“Oh look at me! I’m Mr. Genius Newspaper Crossword Puzzle Creator! Blah, blah, blah I’m so smart because I lined up a word going across with another word going down based on a single letter that both words have in common. Someone give me a trophy, blah, blah, blah.”
Boring!
#4- Share a Dumbass Face Book Meme
“Oh, look at me again! Here is my stupid post with a copyright infringing yellow minion and it says some bullshit like, ‘I wonder if I share a hug how many people would hug me back? I bet I don’t get one hug!'”
Good! Call a bookie and place that bet because that is some winning action, you incredibly boring assface!
#5 – Get Into a Political Argument with a Facebook Friend
“Blah, blah, blah. I work at the gas station and I think Trump is the best. Oh yeah? Well, blah, blah, blah, I work at a drive-thru burger joint and I think Hillary was outta sight. Oh yeah? Well, I live on a commune and I’m all about Bernie. Yes, let us all blah, blah, blah our unwavering political opinions at each other all night despite our lack of qualifications and credentials, blah, blah, blah.”
Boredom forever!
Tired of a Yeti controlled Bookshelf Battle Blog? Kick the Yeti’s furry butt out of BQB HQ by following BQB on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle
By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth Losers.
Before I begin, I’d like to say congratulations to America for concluding its presidential election.
You may have thought this election was tough. In fact, it reminded me of the Flaknarkian election of 29292929 for the position of Illustrious Poobah.
The Flaknarkians are a walrus shaped people. The male candidate was an elderly walrus with outlandish hair and the female was also an elderly walrus but she had a penchant for falling down all the time.
Hmm…come to think of it, there wasn’t a lot of difference between that election and yours.
Anyway, if your candidate prevailed, congratulations. If your candidate lost, my condolences.
But whether you are happy are sad by the results of this election, fear not, for it is meaningless, as the Mighty Potentate will most certainly take control of your wretched planet at some point anyway.
You may recall that some time ago my supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, declared that Bookshelf Q. Battler is the chosen one, the only writer capable of putting out a book so finely crafted that it would inspire the masses to give up on reality television altogether.
It’s been over a year and alas, BQB has yet to publish a novel.
Ergo, to prevent the spread of reality television across the cosmos, His Potentosity is planning a hostile takeover of your planet should BQB fail in his writing efforts.
In other words, start getting used to the idea of being ruled by the Mighty Potentate because it doesn’t look like BQB will ever get his ass into gear.
But you can help BQB and in so doing, save your planet from the Mighty Potentate’s potent potential.
All you need to do is follow BQB on one of the following time wasting social media sites that aliens invented to cause all of you dumb humans to grow dumber, fatter, lazier and more obnoxious and angry about literally everything.
Oh wait. I’ve said too much.
BQB is an especially Twitterer. In fact, he Tweets as much as your incoming president but he is not as orange.
BQB checks in on Facebok and Wattpad regularly but has been letting Google + slide, though he needs to get back to it soon.
So follow him and then once he writes his book you can help him promote it and in effect, save the world from the Mighty Potentate.
In the meantime, if you see BQB screwing around on this pitiful blog, tell him to get his back ass to work on his novel, for the fate of the world is at stake.
Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.
Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal Bookshelf Q. Battler here.
So my usual disclaimer. I’m not going to talk politics or the pros and cons of one side or the other.
This is a nerd blog for nerd things so I want to talk about social media.
I figured a year ago Trump would win based on one thing:
He had way more Facebook likes and Twitter followers than Hillary.
Really. That’s it.
I don’t remember what it was a year ago but his Facebook and Twitter followers were more than hers and as of today he’s got roughly 4 million more Facebook likes than she does (not an exact figure, I am too lazy to do the exact math but it is close.)
I don’t have Mitt Romney and Barack Obama’s figures from 2012 but I’m willing to bet Barack had more than Mitt.
And I believe this is a sign for all political watchers and armchair quarterbacks to consider:
He or she who has the most follows and likes on social media will win.
Yup. That’s how we will one day end up with President Kardashian.
But I digress.
3.5 READERS: Oh but BQB is the number of social media followers a good way to decide an election?
On the face of it, no, but the social media numbers don’t decide the election. They are an early warning sign that the public digs one candidate more than the other.
Think about it.
Social media starts out as a good idea. You can talk to like your 5 closest friends and family members that you actually want to hear from.
But then to be polite you have to add your third cousin twice removed, your long lost uncle, your pet hamster’s geography teacher’s sister’s yoga instructor.
Before you know it, your Facebook feed is filled with the rantings of tons of asshats saying things you don’t want to hear.
No pet hamster’s geography teacher’s sister’s yoga instructor! I do not give a shit what you ate for lunch today!
Your Facebook feed is valuable virtual real estate in your eyes and you give it away only if you have to.
Ergo, if you really dig a candidate, you’ll click that like so you can get brainwashed by your favorite candidate.
This isn’t a perfect science. I’m not saying someone with less followers will never win but I think that yeah, it does make a win less likely because the candidate with more followers is getting his/her message out to more people.
2008. 2012. 2016. These are the only three presidential elections where social media was a thing. And in each election (though I’m just guessing via McCain vs. Obama and Romney vs. Obama but I believe I’m right) the person with the most follows and likes won.
That’s my theory. Don’t get bogged down into the politics. Just talk about the social media science of it all.
Because as I always say, it doesn’t matter what side of the political aisle you are on, the really important thing is that you all love me and you all come together and buy the books I have yet to write if I ever get around to writing and publishing them.
With Your Guest Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian
Suppose that zombies could pop out through your social media.
Could you stay off of Twitter or are you so hopeless addicted that you’d check your timeline anyway?
BQB discussed this with Al K. Line.
I have to say, since I started this blog in 2014, it has been one of few activities I have participated in where the more I work at it, the more I get out of it.
Every week I get more followers. Those followers stack up over time. I still don’t get as many views and/or visitors as I’d like, though those figures have increased each year though, leaving me hopeful that they’ll actually reach a high point.
Keeping my fingers crossed.
I don’t recall when I first heard of the term “blogging.”
Had to have been somewhere in the mid-2000s.
It just seemed dumb.
I figured that publications that had a large print following would essentially use their money to take over online.
And to an extent they did but I never realized what opportunities there were for writers to go it alone.
Ergo, I often wonder had I got into blogging say, a decade ago, perhaps I’d have 300,500 readers instead of 3.5 readers.
Oh well. “If I could turn back time” as Cher has been known to sing in her leather underpants.
Honestly though, and there are more seasoned experts who can correct me but, I’m not sure any of this really became that viable until social media came about, allowing bloggers to post links to their blogs using hashtags of subjects they are interested in or that their posts pertain to.
I hate to admit it because unfortunately I’m one of those people who feels the need to view myself as having the biggest brain in the room, but I never really imagined that social media was going to turn into anything important when it came out.
“Huh” I thought when I first got onto Facebook. A site that lets everyone discuss their thoughts…and everyone I know has very dumb thoughts…and they all insist on sharing them 24/7.
“I picked my nose!” #nosecandy
“I ate a tuna fish sandwich for lunch!” #straightuptunason
“My political views are ultimately superior to yours, moron!” #politickinglikeamofo
Long story short, I didn’t get into any of this until 2014.
Would that I could take Doc’s DeLorean to say, I dunno, 2006? That’s the year Twitter started. And when YouTube started I believe. Had I been up to this for ten years I like to think I’d actually be somewhere that involves getting paid for blogging but…oh well, then again, I don’t like to think about things I can’t change.
Don’t even get me started on YouTube. Being able to buy everything you need to start your own web show at Best Buy?
Sorry, I dated myself. Being able to buy everything you need to start your own web show on Amazon?
(You whippersnappers still use Amazon, right? )
In summation, budding young artists, creatives, writers, actors, comedians, singers, musicians or what have you literally have no idea, no idea whatsoever how lucky they have it to have all this technology at their fingertips.
Build your audience, 3.5 readers. Because when I was your age, if you wanted to make it in a creative field, you had to walk twenty miles up a hill just to kiss the ass of the guy who knows the guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy whose cousin’s sister’s uncle’s cousin’s neighbor’s boyfriend’s cat trainer’s donkey pharmacist might, just might know a guy who could introduce you to the guy whose ass you need to kiss just to get an interview with the guy who might be able to help you get your foot in the door.
That’s a whole lot of ass kissing. A proud man like me just isn’t down for it.
Enjoy the new world, 3.5. There’s never been a better time to be a creative person.
Except for maybe the Renaissance. If you lived in Europe you were able to paint pictures of chubby chicks…but even then only 3.5 people ever saw those paintings.
Whoa. I’ve come full circle.
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB, world’s greatest nerd, here.
Check this out:
My twitter follower count has been hovering between 7980-7990 for awhile now.
Its very annoying. Can you follow me @bookshelfbattle and help me break the 8,000 follower barrier?
Thanks 3.5 readers. Much appreciated.
Bookshelf Battle 