Sad times at BQB HQ, 3.5.
Video Game Rack Fighter and I just had a big fight. Terrible. Awful. I heard new swear words I had to look up in a dictionary.
I mean, I don’t want to cast blame but it was totally her fault. I think it is ok to say that in a blog post because only 3.5 people read this blog.
Any ideas on how to make up with a woman who is mad at you? Until then, I guess I’m sleeping in the Bookshelf Battle Basement with Bookshelf Q. Battledog and the Yeti.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Hey 3.5.
Your old pal BQB here.
So, I hate when bloggers talk about their personal problems on their blogs. The readers came from entertainment and insightful conversation and…
3.5 READERS: We come for not of that BQB. We have literally gotten none of that here.
Oh ok then.
So here’s the deal, and I figure since you are all nerds, you too have had problems with glasses:
A) I should go in and since I’ve got a month to change the glasses with no extra charge, tell them the anti-glare coat smokes pole and that I’d like a new pair without the glare. I have talked to a few nerds who have gone to the same store and they too tell me they hated the anti glare.
B) But if I experienced the problem with the old glasses, this is likely a sign of some bigger problem with my eyes that the anti glare removal may not fix. Perhaps I should see the doctor and ask him to test me again. I did mention the screen issue when I saw him and he said ok and proceeded to test me and that’s all that came of it at the time.
C) If I ask him to test me again, I’m not sure what he’d find since it has only been two weeks. I’ll feel like an asshole explaining this to him. I’ll go through the same test. Most likely it will have the same result. I’ll go through a bunch of shit and get rid of the anti glare glasses for regular glasses and I’ll still have screen problems.
D) There’s literally a part of me that wants to lie and go in with a story about a hobo who punched me in the face on a subway and my eyes haven’t felt right since just so I have a better story as to why I want him to look at my eyes again after seeing him 2 weeks ago.
E) On top of that, I have been
Advise me, 3.5 readers. What should I do?
Ahh, money. It makes the world go round, doesn’t it? You know they say money can’t buy love, but if you ask me, those losers have never tried it.
Love it or hate it, you’ve got to have a base line amount of it to make a go of it in this world.
Stocks? Schmocks. Savings? Schmavings. There are plenty of investment advice blogs out there, written by, you know, people with investment credentials and shit.
My advice will get you absolutely nowhere fast and my lawyer urges that you not follow it at all.
Stupid lawyers. Always the buzzkill.
Anyway, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, MA, here are BQB’s Top Ten Pieces of Investment Advice:
#10 – Buried Treasure
Withdraw your cash, stick it in a tin box, wrap it in plastic wrap and bury it in the backyard. If the worms, gophers and weather don’t destroy it, you’ll have a fun time digging the shit out of your yard when you do actually need it. Don’t forget to draw yourself a map that you won’t understand in the future and/or will most likely lose anyway.
#9 – Electronics
Stock up on cell phones, computers, etc. They aren’t making any more of that shit. It’s not like they aren’t coming out with a new updated version of your phone every three months. Oh, wait. They are? Sorry. You are the owner of a crate full of useless phones now.
#8 – Gold!
That crusty old bastard William Devane is always telling me to buy gold in those TV commercials and damn it, if you can’t trust a man who played the president in a season of 24 as well as The Dark Knight Rises then who can you trust? Eh, in theory, and I’m totally spouting shit out of my ass here, a little bit of gold in your safe might not be a terrible idea. I’m sure super rich actors, celebrities and politicians all have a bunch of frigging gold bars stored somewhere in case the economy collapses and chaos reigns supreme. My gut tells me not to buy more than I can afford to lose though because, you know, there are thieves about and I have so much to do that I don’t have enough time to sit around BQB HQ with a shotgun just to ward off gold thieves.
#7 – Pez
I believe Nerdstradamus when he says that Pez will be the currency of the future. Buy up all the little candy bricks and cartoon dispensers you can so you can be rich as all get out in the future.
#6 – Time Shares
It’s a home that you own for a week a year! What could possibly go wrong?
#5 – Join a Tontine
It’s simple. You and your friends put all of your money in a big concrete box and bury it or hide it somewhere. Then, you all live your lives and the last one who dies gets the money. Just, you know, don’t be a dick and kill all your friends. And don’t join up with friends who are dicks. You know what? Just don’t do this.
#4 – IOUs
Every time you buy something extravagant that you don’t really need, write an IOU to your future self. Don’t worry. You’re good for it.
(SPOILER ALERT: You’re not good for it).
#3 – Loan Sharking
The good news? You can “help” people by lending them money with usurious, ridiculously high interest rates attached.
The bad news? A) It’s illegal and B) You’re going to have to break some legs. You don’t want to break legs. You’re too nice and also it makes a terrible mess. My lawyer and I don’t advise you to do this at all.
#2 – Farts in Jars
In the future, man will evolve into a butt-less species. Thus, you should shoot every toot into a jar and store those jars in your basement so that one day, when a butt-less society becomes nostalgic for fart smells, you can clean up.
Note that if this does not happen before you grow old and die, the grandchildren you leave behind to clean up your house will think you were insane.
#1 – Wise, Prudent, Solid and Cautions Savings and Investing Plans
Invest wisely in solid, reputable mutual funds, savings accounts, IRAs and so on. Seek the advice of competent investment professionals.
I mean, you could do all that shit but will that be as fun as going on a treasure hunt and/or farting in jars? I think not.
REPEAT: My lawyer and I urge you to not waste your money doing any of the horrible things mentioned in this ridiculous blog post. Really, you should be ashamed of yourself for even reading it.
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
I’m in the home stretch of BQB’s 101 Writing Prompts book.
In the book, I invite readers to write stories based on the prompts and publish them on their blogs and Tweet me the links.
If anyone is interested, I’d love it if anyone wants to choose a prompt and blog their response. Maybe the first week the book is out I could put your prompt based writings right here on this fine blog.
Anyone who wants to partake of my prompts, let me know.
Another cover for another book I have yet to finish writing.
“Oh hey, did you hear about BQB? He ended up in the poorhouse, spent all his dough on book covers for books he never finished writing. What an asshole.”
Oh well, what say you 3.5 readers?
Ahh, the face hole – the best and the worst of human body cavities. It lets us talk and eat, but at times, it can also smell like a butt, aka the worst of body cavities.
Does your breath stink? I’m not a dentist but I play one on this blog. From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Your Breath Stinks:
#10 – Throat Gremlins
Sad, but true, tiny creatures have been known to set up shop in a human throat and party hearty. Soon, they start to stink and that stink comes out of your pie hole. Ten out of ten scientists who attended science school in Barbados will agree with me on this.
#9 – Demonic Possession
It happens. You’re taking a nap, minding you business and without realizing it, a damn demon has set up shop in your body. It makes you scream, swear, belch, fart, projectile vomit on everyone, it’s a whole mess. Even worse, they make your breath stink. Consult your local Catholic priest for assistance.
#8 – A Small Animal Crawled Into Your Mouth and Died
People often say, “Yeesh! What crawled into your mouth and died?” to a person with stank breath. Little do these people know that this often happens. Mice, rats, bats, porcupines, armadillos, frogs, lizards. It doesn’t even have to me a small animal. I knew a dude who once fell asleep and a damn emu crawled into his mouth and bought the farm. Always post signs around your sleeping area to notify animals on their last legs to go find another mouth to crawl into and die in because yours is off limits.
#7 – Oniony, Garlicky Foods
Truly, a Sophie’s choice. Do I want to eat something delicious or do I want to avoid stink breath? Eh, just be honest. If you look like a butt, then you might as well eat something delicious and smell like a butt. Having minty fresh breath won’t make you look less like a butt.
#6 – Butt Pranks
If you’re a member of a frat, chances are one of your frat brothers has placed a butt on your face while you are sleeping. Remember, always lock your door and wear a catcher’s mask while sleeping to avoid butt pranks. We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog do not condone butt pranks or any other type of inappropriate butt related behavior of a butt like nature.
#5 – You Licked the Toilet Seat Again, Didn’t You?
How many times must I tell you to stop doing that? Bad reader. Bad, bad! Get some help.
#4 – You Don’t Brush
There’s no magic cure for weight loss or to fix a variety of health problems, but sticking that brush in your face hole and wiggling it around for a while a few times a day can do wonders for your tooth health. Take advantage of one of the few things that people can do to improve there lives that actually works.
#3 – You Don’t Floss
Your job isn’t done after brushing. Brushing doesn’t get all the shit left between your teeth. One time I didn’t floss my teeth for an entire year and learned that in the interim, the mob had started using the spaces between my choppers as a dumping ground for whacked snitches. When I finally began flossing again, each time I’d stick the floss between my teeth and boom! Hey, it’s Vinny Boombotz! :::Floss::: Hey! It’s Mickey the Squirrel! :::Floss::: Oh my God, it’s Sal the Tuna!
#2 – You Don’t Use Mouth Wash
Brush, floss, then finish up the trifecta. Get mouthwash. The stronger the better. I prefer Listerine. Don’t just do one swish and spit it out. Let it sit there in your mouth as you imagine the mouthwash molecules all look like a young Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now. Picture each molecule as a helicopter pilot coming in to drop minty fresh napalm on all of the germs in your suck hole. “Oh, how I love the smell of minty fresh napalm in the morning.”
Um…if one of my 3.5 readers is Vietnamese I apologize for that metaphor. I didn’t even write it. It was the Yeti.
#1 – You Never See the Dentist
I know. No one enjoys going to see the dentist. But these fine tooth doctors can clean up your choppers, shine them up good and help you combat any suck hole related problems you may be suffering from. Stop avoiding your dentist. Your suck hole will thank you, as will the people who have to breathe the air in the vicinity of your suck hole.
Explosions. Destruction. Mayhem. Vin Diesel’s big bald head.
BQB here with a review of xXx: The Return of Xander Cage.
SPOILER ALERT…I mean, if you care about that sort of thing when it comes to a movie like this.
So, I came up with some alternate titles for this stinker:
But I digress. You know, despite my snarky titles, I actually did enjoy this film to an extent. It’s pretty tight, as action movies released in January go, though I admit that isn’t saying a lot.
When the new millennium was young, Vin Diesel hit the scene with movies like The Fast and the Furious and xXx. He was also in Pitch Black, arguably the best thing he’s ever been in, largely because the role called for a creepy, enormous dude with a deep voice.
Since then, he’s shown love to the Fast and Furious franchise by returning in Fast Five and now there are so many of those damn movies I have lost count. He’s shown love to Riddick but in my opinion, Riddick was at his best in Pitch Black and though 2013’s Riddick was acceptable, 2004’s Chronicles of Riddick was a giant stink burger.
Now Vin’s back with a new xXx installment. Back in the early 2000’s, extreme sports were in. Parachuting. Dirt bike racing. Bungie chord jumping. All those things that beautiful idiots do because for some reason, the world looks out for them a little more whereas I stub my toe regularly while walking from the kitchen to the bathroom and thus I’m sure I’d die instantly if I tried to jump out of a plane.
I digressed again. The idea behind the xXx character was that Vin would be an extreme sports loving, American badass version of James Bond, but with more appeal to the youngsters.
I don’t want to say the film flopped. As I recall, it was a blockbuster. But it was also forgettable. Over the years, I’ve seen it while flipping channels and ended up watching it out of a feeling of nostalgia, mostly as it reminds me of a time when I could have made fun of Vin because I had more hair than he did.
Sigh. Stupid hair.
Another digression. This go around, Xander Cage is recruited back into action when…oh God, I don’t know. You know how these movies are. Some stupid thing has been stolen by some piece of shit bad guy and the good guy has to get it before the bad guy does evil shit with it.
Donnie Yen steals the show as Shang. Is Shang a good guy? A bad guy? It’s complicated. All I know is you get to see his sweet kung fu moves. Donnie remains one of my heroes for proving that you can still be a badass even when you are no longer a member of the highly coveted 18-35 year old demographic.
A bunch of youngsters and one old dude are added to Xander’s support team. I assume a bunch of Hollywood suits decided that Vin was getting a little long in the tooth and needed some fresh faces in the mix. Honestly, the only one I recognized was Ruby Rose of Orange is the New Black fame. Oh and I hear she’s big in Australia. I have no idea what Australian films she’s been in. As an American, I assume that Australian TVs show kangaroos fornicating with koala bears 24/7.
Toni Collette stars as…a good guy? A bad guy? It’s also complicated. She’s made up to look like a hot blonde chick but kind of ends up looking like an old hooker that no one told there’s an age limit to hookery. Although, do keep in mind I think that’s what the intent behind the character was.
Blah blah blah. Shit happens. They fight. There’s some bad CGI that looks like it was drawn in crayon.
Throughout the film there are numerous jokes and references that harken back to the first and second films. Although they are meant to be humorous, I just sat there in the theater wanting to hang myself because I have lived such an uneventful life low these past fifteen years that my brain had plenty of room to recall moments from a forgettable, throwaway 2002 film.
Samuel L. Jackson (Augustus Gibbons, xXx’s handler in the first two films) and Ice Cube (Darius, or the agent who took over as a xXx agent in 2005’s xXx: State of the Union) provide the best cameos of the film. They were so good in fact that it made me wonder why the Hollywood suits didn’t just cut out the supporting cast and come up with a blockbuster script revolving around Diesel, Jackson and Ice Cube worthy of a release date outside of January. Then again, not to spoil it, but there’s a part at the end that leads me to believe they may go that way.
There’s a scene where Vin flirts with CIA tech nerd Becky (Nina Dobrev). It’s played straight and humorous but in my mind it looked like an old man trying to pick up one of his daughter’s friends or some shit.
Sigh. I worry about Vin. One day he’ll age out of these action roles and it’s not like Hollywood will ever let him do Shakespeare so I don’t know what he will do.
Oh wait. He’ll roll around in all of his money. Good for him. You know, I’ve never really known what to make of Vin Diesel. Part of me thinks he’s this big, hulking, dumb cro-magnon jock that just gets to be in movies because of his muscles. Then again, his face is kind of ugly and he doesn’t exactly have a look that Hollywood normally welcomes, so as the ambassador of the #OscarsSoPretty movement, I applaud the Vinster and I hope that yes, one day Hollywood will let him perform Shakespeare and/or be in something that could potentially lead to him getting a gold statue that is as bald as he is.
“Forsooth…uh…uhh..someone get the peanut butter.”
STATUS: Borderline shelf-worthy. Worth a rental.
Bookshelf Battle 