Monthly Archives: June 2017

Jun 11 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 94

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It was sheer chaos at the Sitwell Park Mall. Soldiers scrambled to secure the area as looters ran out of stores carrying boxes, gadgets, gizmos, merchandise and food in their arms.

“You’d think people would just stay home at a time like this,” Sharon said.

“Oh,” Cole said. “You know how it is. Every time there’s a hurricane, a bunch of assholes run around screaming…”

“…I need my bread and milk!” an old lady hollered as she pushed a cart full of food out of the mall’s Price Town store. “I’ll die without my bread and milk!”

“Everyone always thinks they’re going to die in a storm if they aren’t stocked up on bread and milk,” Cole explained.

A random soldier barked orders into a megaphone. “People, please disperse! Vacate the mall immediately!”

“Cole,” Rusty said. “Look at this place. It’s a powder keg ready to go off.”

A homeless man ran out of an electronics store with a flat screen TV. “The end times are upon us! If the hurricane doesn’t get us, the toilet gator will! Repent, sinners! Repent!”

“Hate to say it but Rusty’s right,” Sharon said. “Is now really the best time to go to war with a half-ton eating machine?”

Cole turned his baseball cap around backwards. “It’s now or never baby.”

Rusty shook his head.

“What?” Cole asked.

“Even I know better than to wear a backwards hat after forty,” Rusty said.

Cole had borrowed Rusty’s breakaway pants, and the weather proof fabric made a “swish, swish” sound as Cole walked.

“I can’t believe you used to wear this,” Cole said. “Did it ever get you any action?”

“You’d be surprised,” Rusty said.

The trio stopped right in front of the cherry red Yarikazi Diablo, the one still on display courtesy of the late Mayor Beaumont Dufresne’s Slightly Used Car Emporium. V8 engine, maximum horsepower, capable of accelerating from zero to sixty in ten seconds, anti-lock breaks, automatic transmission…it was fully loaded, not to mention, incredibly shiny.

“It’s a damn shame what’s about to happen to this car,” Rusty said.

“I’ll try to get it back in one piece,” Sharon said.

“Women drivers, no survivors,” Rusty said.

“Bite me,” Sharon replied.

Cole opened up a duffel bag and pulled out a long metal slim jim. He passed it to his ex-wife, then pulled out a rope and clipped one end to his belt. Oddly, the belt was secured around his naked waist, since the breakaway pants didn’t have any loops.

The soldier spotted the trio from across the mall and shouted into his megaphone. “You three! Whatever you’re doing, stop it immediately and leave! That’s an order!”

Cole didn’t have a megaphone, so he shouted as loudly as possible. “It’s ok! We’re cops, here to kill the toilet gator!”

Unfortunately, Cole’s voice barely traveled to the solider’s ear, what with all the commotion going on. “What?!”

Cole held his hands up to the sides of his mouth, forming a cone shape to yell into. “I said, ‘We’re cops, here to kill the toilet gator!’”

The soldier was about to approach when he spotted two women fighting over a pair of high heels.

“They’re mine, bitch!” the first woman cried.

“They’re too small for your fat feet, ho-bag!” the second woman shouted. “They’re mine!”

The soldier ran over to break up the fight, giving the trio the time they needed to complete their car heist. The doors unlocked and Sharon pulled the jimmy stick out from the thin slot between the window and the door.

“Since when do you know how to do that?” Cole asked as he handed the other end of the rope to Rusty.

Sharon poked her hand underneath the steering wheel and pulled out a series of wires, all in an effort to hot wire the car. She used a small blade to splice a few wires together and within seconds the Diablo’s engine began to hum.

“Whoa nelly,” Rusty said. “Listen to that tiger growl.”

Sharon sat up in the driver’s seat and looked up at Cole. “You learn a few things in the FBI.”

“Apparently,” Cole said.

Cole leaned down and shared a kiss with his love. Rusty gagged. “Cough, cough, pussy! Cough, Cough.”

“Whatever,” Cole said. He rested his hands on Rusty’s shoulders and looked the redhead in the eyes. “You’re my best friend, Rusty. I mean that.”

Rusty held back the tears. “Cole, if I could, I’d really like to snuggle you for a moment.”

Cole backed away. “Not on your life.”

The former police chief picked up his end of the room and walked towards the men’s restroom. He turned one last time to catch a glimpse of Sharon, then looked at Rusty. “Keep her safe.”

Although Rusty wasn’t in the military, a powerful feeling of emotion came over him, causing him to salute Cole. “Will do, boss. Will do.”

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Jun 11 2017
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Toilet Gator

Seventeen Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays

Can you believe I’ve been working on Toilet Gator for so long?

It’s actually winding down.  We’re approaching the climactic final chapters where Cole finally fights the toilet gator.

I can’t wait, can you?

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Jun 11 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 93

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At the Swankforth Hotel in downtown Miami, professional spammer Ernie Beck was enjoying a tasty three cheese omelette as he listened to a speaker at the International Society of Junk E-Mail Senders.

Jason Newcomb, the President of the ISJES stood at a podium, lecturing the attendees on tried and true spamming techniques.

“I know folks,” Newcomb said. “It seems like a tired old cliche, but the Nigerian prince scam really works. You’d be surprised how many elderly white people are easily convinced that they are not only related to African royalty, but that turning over their bank account routing numbers to a total stranger in the hopes of procuring a hefty payout is a good idea.”

Justine Cosseau raised her hand.

“Yes,” Newcomb said. “Justine.”

“What about the boner pills scam?” Justine inquired. “I’ve found great success by convincing men that they can add ten inches or more to their length and that the ladies will love them.”

“It’s not bad,” Newcomb said. “But keep in mind you might actually have to mass produce some fake boner pills. That means outsourcing to a sweatshop full of third world child slaves who get whipped repeatedly while they manufacture sugar pills, put them into bottles and then ship them to men with inadequate boners. It’s a total hassle, whereas the Nigerian Prince scam requires very little overhead. All you need is a computer and the willingness to pretend that you are a representative of a Nigerian Prince who, for some inexplicable reason, is related to a plethora of doddering old American white ladies.”

Ernie put down his fork and chimed in. “People, am I crazy, or are we all forgetting about the old phish-a-roo? All you need to do is send someone a bogus e-mail designed to look like it’s from their bank. Write up a paragraph about how there was a security breach and the person needs to follow a link to put in their username and password and bam, you’ve got their dough.”

“My fellow spammers,” Newcomb said. “These are all wonderful spamming techniques and there’s a reason why they’ve been used for years – because they work. How you choose to fleece buffoons who don’t know the first thing about Internet safety is up to you as long as you’re doing it because, and let’s be honest here, if people are dumb enough to not protect their money, then they deserve to lose it and we deserve to take it.”

The ballroom erupted into a chorus of “Here, here!”

“Now,” Newcomb said. “Let’s break up into our brainstorming session groups and really focus on new ideas. I want to hear at least twenty new shakedown methods by noontime.”

The spammers milled about the room, discussing their preferred spamming methods, when suddenly, Beck’s stomach rumbled. There was something about his breakfast that wasn’t sitting well with him, so he made a beeline to the bathroom.

Beck walked into an empty stall, dropped his pants, and sat down on the toilet bowl. “Dang,” he said to himself. “With a hurricane coming and a toilet gator on the loose, I’m surprised they didn’t just cancel this thing.”

“We do not cancel,” came Newcomb’s voice from outside the stall. “We spammers are a proud lot. We may lie, cheat and steal but we never, ever, quit – hurricanes and toilet gators be damned.”

Newcomb entered the stall next to Beck.

“Breakfast got to you too?” Beck asked.

“Yeah,” Newcomb said. “I didn’t think my French toast tasted right.”

“Maybe the cook got cheated on boner pills,” Beck said.

“Justine and her stupid boner pills,” Newcomb said. “She’s such a one trick pony.”

Beck turned on his cell phone and began streaming NN1’s coverage of Hurricane Dakota Rothschild. A Hot Ass Blonde Chick was in downtown Miami holding onto a palm tree as an airborne car blew past her.

“Jason,” Beck said. “Maybe we really should postpone this thing.”

“Please,” Newcomb said. “You know the spammer’s code. Never give up. Never surrender. Always misspell all your spam e-mails so that the people who are defrauded by them end up looking that much dumber.”

“I guess,” Beck said. “But I just don’t want to be blown away by the wind or be eaten by a toilet gator. Is it even safe to be shitting right now?”

“Maybe not,” Newcomb said. “But I’m too proud to run around in one of those diapers.”

“Same here,” Beck said. “But I just…”

“ROAR!”

Skippy interrupted the conversation by bursting through the floor and crunching up the toilet with Beck still on it between his jaws. The walls and doors of every stall in the vicinity fell down, leaving Newcomb exposed and defenseless.

The alligator was feeling cocky and sure of himself, no longer concerned about hiding from humans. Convinced that he was invincible, he took his time as he crunched on what little remained of Beck.

Meanwhile, Beck’s phone, now lying on the floor, continued to stream NN1’s news coverage. Kurt Manley kicked it to a replay of Cole’s challenge to the alligator from the night before.

“You wouldn’t last three seconds against me, but if you want to prove me wrong, meet me in the men’s restroom of the Sitwell Park Mall and we’ll finish this once and for all. Man vs. Alligator, mano a mano, human vs. reptile combat. Fail to show, and I will return to the airwaves to tell the world that you are little more than a giant green pussy with teeth.”

Hearing this sent Skippy into a rage. He roared wildly, then turned and leered at Newcomb, who trembled as he remained still on the toilet with his pants around his ankles, completely petrified.

“Nice alligator,” Newcomb said. “Good boy. You wouldn’t eat a professional e-mail spammer, would you?”

 

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Jun 11 2017
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Movies

RIP Glenne Headly (Or, Why You Should Pick Tess Trueheart over Breathless Mahoney)

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Again, I don’t really like to talk about celebrity deaths.  I try to keep it at a minimum, but this one got to me.

Glenne Headly passed away this week and if you don’t know who she is, that’s ok.  To be honest, I only vaguely knew her name.  She was one of those actresses who you saw her face in everything and recognized it right away, but she wasn’t out causing trouble in the tabloids and so on.  Alas, the press doesn’t give you extra points for good behavior.

For me, Glenne’s most memorable role was that of Tess Trueheart in 1990’s “Dick Tracy” opposite Warren Beatty.  Throughout the film, Dick faces a dilemma – will he choose the true blue, always loyal Tess or the super hot femme fatale Breathless Mahoney (Madonna)?

Breathless was, by far, the babe to end all babes, the woman who could make you look like a big shot if people saw her on your arm.  However, she was more likely to dump you for another guy or sell you out to Big Boy Caprice or one of his evil, scheming henchmen.

I don’t think I realized it at the time but looking back, that film was probably my first introduction to the concept that when it comes to love, people tend to be as loyal as their options.

Yes, we all want to be with the “ridiculously good looking person” (Zoolander reference) but stop and think about it.  Realize this is a person you have to spend the rest of your life with, or at the very least, will have to go through a lot of agony before they’re out of your life when things turn sour.

The Breathless Mahoneys of the world may be alluring but at the end of the day, it’s the Tess Truehearts that are going to be there for you when you need them.  Meanwhile, the Breathless Mahoneys will only be with you…for as long as they need you.

Forsake the Breathless Mahoneys, kids.  Pick the Tess Truehearts.

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Jun 11 2017
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TV

RIP Adam West – 1960s Batman

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  You know, after a while, I decided I wasn’t going to write about every celebrity’s death.  Unfortunately, they happen often, and talking about it just makes me sad.

But this is a nerd blog and Adam West is an icon to nerds everywhere.

When I was a kid, I loved Batman.  The Michael Keaton Batman movie came out in 1989 and I became obsessed with the idea that maybe a man could become a superhero without any superpowers but rather, just a lot of money and training.

The training would be easy to find, I thought, and what kid doesn’t automatically assume that he’s going to be a billionaire the second he becomes an adult?

Oh well.  My Batman plan didn’t pan out, although I did become the owner of a blog read by 3.5 readers, so I’d say I broke even.

After school, I would watch reruns of the old 1960s Batman TV show.  I’m not sure as a kid I got the humor.  The writing seemed hacky and even as a boy I remembered scratching my head and thinking, “Bat Shark Repellant?  Really?”

I also was incredibly confused as to why every episode ended on a cliffhanger where Batman and Robin would be put into some kind of intricate killing device set up by the evildoer, only to easily break free in the next episode.  One wonders why the villain just didn’t pull out a gun and blast the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder, but I suppose that would have been anti-climactic.

All I know is that even though you knew they were going to get free, that dramatic voice announcer asking “Will Batman escape this time?  Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel” always got me to tune in to the same Bat channel at the same bat time.

But I loved the show, the bright colors, how it looked like a comic book had been brought to life, complete with the “Biffs” and “Pows” flashing on screen during every Batman vs. henchmen scene.

It was only as an adult that I realized a) the writers were goofing on the comic book genre and b) it was the 1960s, a time when adults were expected to put away childish things and comic books were considered the ultimate in silly kid stuff.  Attempts to portray Batman as a serious crimefighter would have fallen flat.  Therefore, the only way Batman could have succeeded was as a wacky, campy show for kids.

Adam West played the role perfectly, being very serious as Bruce Wayne/Batman, saying ridiculous things in a completely deadpan style, as if you were the one who is an oddball for thinking it is weird that Batman keeps a hefty supply of Bat Shark Repellant on hand at all times.

In later years, Adam West found a resurgence as his fans got older themselves.  He was cartoon-ized as the Mayor of Quahog, Rhode Island on Family Guy, again called upon to say things that are hysterical in a voice that says, “I don’t think the Mayor realizes this is hysterical.”

One thing to keep in mind is that without the 1960s Batman show, all subsequent Batman films and possibly other comic book superhero films, TV shows may not have ever happened.  The Hollywood suits had to be shown that comic book fans would follow their favorite characters to TV and film, and West paved the way.

He will be missed.

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Jun 11 2017
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The Real McCoy

The Real McCoy – “Oh Look At Me, I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I Have a New Book”

By: Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Howdy do, 3.5 readers.  Howdy do indeed.

Boy oh boy, Bookshelf Q. Battler sure is insufferable lately, isn’t he?  He’s walking around East Randomtown with his chest all puffed out like he’s the cock of the walk, telling everyone he sees, “Hey, I just published a book on Amazon and you should go download it for free this weekend.”  I bet the guy will even turn that last quote into a hyperlink.  Dang, BQB, you’re such a predictable tool bag.

Sure, it’s a big milestone for our favorite nerd but holy crap nuggets, you know what else is a big achievement?  Delivering a sandwich to James Van Der Beek but did I go around telling everyone about it?

OK.  Yes I did.  I told like thousands of people and still do to this very day.  But I didn’t write a book about it.  I tried to, but all the publishers I sent a pitch letter to rejected me on account of the fact they didn’t think I’d be able to squeeze more than a chapter out about my chance encounter with JVDB.  (That’s what we Van Der Beek Tweakers call ourselves.)

Joke’s on the traditional publishing industry.  They didn’t think I’d be able to squeeze out more than a chapter?  Hell, I’ve squeezed out an entire lifetime’s worth of satisfaction and happiness out of that one meeting.  Double hell, a freight train could collide with my face tomorrow and I’d shout, “I regret nothing, for I met James Van Der Beek!”

Oh la dee da, all the East Randomtownsfolk are up BQB’s butt with a coconut, peddling a bunch of trash talk about how BQB is now officially the most famous man in East Randomtown because he put up a book on Amazon and gave away a few free copies, which, let’s be honest here, because there’s no doubt in my mind that all the free copies BQB has given away so far are being downloaded by his Aunt Gertie.

Tarnation, I wish I had my own Aunt Gertie.  Maybe then I’d have the self-confidence I need to start my own blog and get my own 3.5 readers.  Nah, that doesn’t mean I’m jealous of BQB.  What’s there to be jealous of?  BQB never met James Van Der Beek.

Wait, do you think BQB will get to meet James Van Der Beek now that he’s a big time fancy pants Amazon Kindle author?  Son of a monkey stink, I better up my game.

I know what I got to do now.  I have got to deliver a sandwich to that kid who played Pacey.  Anyone remember his name?  Aw hell, who could remember anything when you’re mind is clouded with images of JVDB’s flaxen hair and steamy come hither eyes?

Not that I’m gay or nothin.’

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Jun 11 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 92

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Rusty brushed his teeth with Cole’s toothbrush, a move that did not strike him as the least bit disgusting. He rinsed his mouth out with water, then walked into a spare bedroom, only to be screamed at by an old lady.

“Holy shit, Maude!” Rusty shouted. “I had no idea you could move like that.”

“Get out!” Maude shouted.

Rusty grabbed the door knob, gave Burt a thumb’s up, then shut the door behind him. He walked through Cole’s living room to a second spare bedroom only to find, to his great surprise, Moses and Felix in bed, bare chested and hugging each other.

“Whoa!” Rusty cried out.

Moses and Felix sat up in bed, yanking the covers up over their bare chests.

“Don’t you knock?!” Moses shouted.

“I’m sorry, amigos,” Rusty said. “Didn’t know this room was occupado. I’m just going to go crash on the couch, so…”

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Moses said.

“That’s cool,” Rusty said. “I’m just gonna go.”

“We’re not gay,” Moses said.

“Not a problem if you are,” Rusty said. “It’s 2017.”

“We just like to snuggle,” Moses said.

Rusty’s heart pounded. Every 1980s love ballad he’d ever heard before poured through his mind. “Come again?”

“We’re heteronormative cuddle queer sexuals,” Moses said.

Rusty clutched his chest. “Oh my God. It really is a thing.”

“Of course it is, bigot,” Moses said. “It’s 2017. Every thing is a thing.”

“No,” Rusty said as he stepped further into the room. “It’s just, I thought I was the only one.”

“You mean you’re a heteronormative cuddle queer sexual too?” Moses asked.

“Yes,” Rusty said. “I recently learned that about myself after snuggling a gay man.”
Moses squirted some lotion of Felix’s shoulders and gave his buddy a good, hard rubdown. “You snuggled a gay man? You homo!”

“No!” Rusty said. “It wasn’t like that. We just, you know, did what you guys are doing.”

“Aint nothing wrong with it,” Moses said.

“No there isn’t,” Rusty said.

“We’re just two red blooded heterosexual males providing each other with a little warmth and comfort,” Moses said. “We saw a lot of shit in the war so, you know, sometimes ole Felix here is the only one I feel like I can talk to, even though he won’t talk back to me.”

“That’s really nice,” Rusty said.

Felix nodded, then closed his hands and enjoyed the back rub.

“Of course, I’d blow my brains out before I’d ever let a pecker get anywhere near my backdoor,” Moses said. “Felix feels the same way, don’t you Felix?”

Felix nodded.

“Me too!” Rusty said. “I don’t want any gay sex.”

“I should hope not,” Moses said. “That’s the devil’s work right there.”

“And I still love pussy,” Rusty said.

“Oh hell, Felix and I are pussy magnets,” Moses said. “All we gotta do is belly up to the bar, I start telling our war stories and before you know it, we’re buried under all the poontang.”

“Damn it,” Rusty said. “I wish I had some good war stories so I could get buried under a sea of poontang.”

“You’re a cop, aint you?” Moses asked. “Bitches love a man in uniform.”

“Yeah,” Rusty said. “I don’t have any good stories though.”

“Make some shit up,” Moses said. “The ladies won’t ever know.”

“You think so?” Rusty asked.

“Damn straight,” Moses said. “You gotta get that pussy any way you can get it, boy.”

“Cool,” Rusty said as he headed for the door. “Well, I’ll let you guys get back to it.”

Moses patted the bed. “You want in on this, buddy?”

Rusty pivoted around. “Excuse me?”
“This aint our first rodeo, boy,” Moses said. “Felix and I have been in a three-way man snuggle sandwich before.”

“You have?” Rusty asked.

“Shit yeah,” Moses said. “What do you thing happens at the conventions?”

Rusty’s jaw dropped. “There are conventions?”

“Shoot,” Moses said. “You don’t know much about this, do you boy? Hell yeah, there are all sorts of conventions and organizations dedicated to male on male snuggling. Why, Felix and I have been thinking about starting our own club for heteronormative cuddle queer sexuals right here in Sitwell.”

“I’d like to join that club,” Rusty said. “I really would.”

“Well,” Moses said as he patted the shed. “Time’s a wastin’ boy. Don’t be shy.”

Rusty stepped closer to the bed, then stopped. “Is this promiscuous?”

“What?” Moses asked.

“I just figured out I’m into male on male snuggling,” Rusty said. “I don’t know if I should run around snuggling just anyone.”

“Oh come on,” Moses said. “Don’t be a prude. We’re just cuddling. It’s not like anything is going into anywhere.”

“Well,” Rusty said as he hopped into bed right between Moses and Felix. “When you put it that way. What’s first, fellas? Tickle fight?”

“Normally, yes, but we have to help Cole kill a toilet gator tomorrow,” Moses said.

“Oh right,” Moses said. “Tickle blocked by the toilet gator.”

Moses wrapped his arms around Rusty’s left side. Felix did the same to Rusty’s right. Both men stared at Rusty intently while he focused his eyes on the ceiling.

“How’s that?” Moses asked.

Rusty shuddered in ecstacy. “So good.”

“Goodnight, meat,” Moses said as he and Felix closed their eyes.

“Meat?” Rusty asked.

“Yeah,” Moses said. “You’re the meat in this man sandwich. Felix and I are the buns.”

Rusty laughed. “Oh yeah. Good night, buns.”
“Just don’t think about going anywhere near our buns,” Moses said.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Rusty said.

“Good,” Moses said. “Because we’re not gay.”

“Me neither,” Rusty said.

“That’s gross,” Moses said.

“Totally disgusting,” Rusty said.

Rusty looked up at the ceiling for a while. “Felix’s feet are like a couple of popsicles.”

“Yeah,” Moses said. “He tends to run cold.”

After a few minutes, Moses and Felix fell asleep. Alas, rest evaded Rusty, for he was so excited to learn that he wasn’t the only heteronormative cuddle queer sexual in the world but rather, there were many like-minded men out there that he could enjoy his newly discovered reason for being with. He lied awake for hours, safely wrapped up in two sets of man arms until Cole bursted into the room around seven a.m.

“Hey Rusty,” Cole said. “It’s time to…what the?!”

Moses, Rusty, and Felix all sat up, yanking the covers over their bare chests.

“Don’t you knock?” Moses asked.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Rusty shouted. “We’re not gay!”

“Whatever,” Cole said as he walked out of the room. “I’ll be in the car.”

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Jun 11 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 91

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Maude and Burt sat outside Cole’s house on the front porch, admiring the stars. Burt finally broke the silence.

“Nice night,” Burt said.

“Sure is,” Maude said as she lit up a cigarette.

Burt frowned. “Why do you do that for?”

“Do what?” Maude asked.

“That,” Burt said as he pointed at the cigarette.

“I don’t know,” Maude said. “My husband’s dead. I’ve got kids that are too busy to visit me. Grandkids who can’t be bothered to pay attention to me. I don’t recognize the world anymore. I’d say my time has come and gone so I might as well smoke ‘em since I’ve got ‘em.”

“What a terrible thing to say,” Burt said.

“Why?” Maude asked. “No one cares about me.”

Burt smiled. “That’s not entirely true.”

Maude took a drag and belched out the smoke. “You’re sweet, Burt, but my lady business has been out of commission since…dang, I can’t even remember.”

“Oh,” Burt said. “I wasn’t talking about that…I just…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Maude said. “You men only have one thing on your minds, regardless of what age you are.”

“I’d like to court you,” Burt said.

“What?” Maude asked. “Court me?”

“Yes,” Burt said.

“What the hell kind of word is ‘court?’” Maude asked. “Are we in seventeenth century France or some shit?”

“I don’t know what the kids say today,” Burt said. “All I know is I’m retiring soon and, well, if none of your young people care about you and no one at all cares about me then I don’t see why we old folks can’t get together and care about each other.”

Maude gave Burt a look that can only be described as “the stink eye.” “Jesus, Burt, you never got any, did you?”

“I’m not talking about that,” Burt said. “I’m just saying I’d like to, you know, take you out to dinner, maybe go see a movie or…”

Maude picked up her oxygen tank and grabbed Burt’s hand. “I thought Arthur was just joking when he told me you were a virgin thirty years ago, but this is beyond pathetic. Come on.”

Burt became increasingly flustered as the old gal led him up the stairs to Cole’s house. “Arthur told you?!”

“Of course,” Maude said. “We kept no secrets.”

Burt stopped on the porch. “Maude, I don’t know about this. I mean, are you up for it?”

“Stop flattering yourself you old codger,” Maude said. “You haven’t been with a woman your whole life yet you’re worried you might boink me to death your first time out of the gate. Ha! That’ll be the day.”

“No,” Burt said as he looked at Maude’s oxygen tank. “I mean…”

“Oh,” Maude said. “I’ll just turn it up.”

“Maude,” Burt said as the old gal lead him into Cole’s house. “You think Arthur would be mad?”

“Definitely,” Maude said. “But either he’s worm food, in which case, what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him or he’s in Heaven, which if he is, then he’s got better things to do up there than spy on me and your curved unit.”

“He told you about that too?!” Burt asked.

“No secrets,” Maude said.

“The curved thing doesn’t bother you?” Burt asked.

“Meh,” Maude said. “I’ll go at it from an angle. We’ll figure it out.”

“Maude?” Burt asked as the pair walked through Cole’s dark living room.

“What now?” Maude asked.

“I’d still like to take you to dinner sometime,” Burt said.

“We’ll see how this goes first, champ,” Maude said.

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Jun 11 2017
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Movies

Universal’s Dark Universe Series

Hey 3.5 readers.

Did you all hear about this?  I did not until I caught the Mummy today.  Check out my review if you haven’t already.

Apparently, Universal is trying to bring its treasure trove of monster flicks back into the modern age, kicking it off with “The Mummy” with Dracula, Frankenstein, Creature from the Black Lagoon, Bride of Frankenstein, Phantom of the Opera, the Wolfman and so on  to come later.

One can only assume they’re trying to compete with Disney’s Marvel universe and Warner Brothers attempt to recreate the Disney/Marvel success with their Justice League films.

Do you think “Dark Universe” will be a hit for Universal?  Will other studios try to cash in on the expanded universe phenomenon?

My one caveat might be that while Marvel and DC appeal to kids, i.e., the viewers that will most likely nag their parents into buying Marvel and DC merchandise, I’m not sure there’s a huge market for a Mummy lunch box.  Then again, maybe Universal can pave the way for cinematic universe films for a more sophisticated audience.  The Mummy was actually a good, solid first installment.  It didn’t knock my socks off but it didn’t disappoint me either.  It left me curious as to what Universal has in store for us next.

Discuss, 3.5 readers.

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Jun 11 2017
3 Comments
Movies

Movie Review – The Mummy (2017)

Women can be mummies too, people.  Come on.  It’s 2017, you misogynist bastards.

BQB here with a review of The Mummy.

It’s hard to call this a reboot of the 1990s Brendan Fraser films, partly because those films were, themselves, reboots of Universal’s much older Mummy movies and partly because, in theory, mummies belong to us all.  I have a feeling that Universal might try to slap you with a legal stick if you were to call your next book, “The Mummy” but otherwise, there’s no reason why you couldn’t pen a tale where mummies run around with reckless abandon.  It was the Egyptians who invented mummies, after all, not some Hollywood suit of the Golden Age of Film Era.

Another reason why I hate to compare this film to the Fraser films (which I really loved at the time they came out and even to this day if I catch them on TV, I’ll watch them until the end) is that they’re both very different movies.  Fraser’s were epic fantasy while this is an attempt to make a more serious, modern day monster film.

It’s also the first installment in Universal’s “Dark Universe” series, which I just learned, is a thing.  I don’t know how this one got by me, seeing as how I am a reviewer of pop cultural happenings and all, but I assume Universal is trying to compete on Disney’s success of the ongoing Marvel movies and Warner Brother’s semi-success (the verdict is still out) with the DC films.

Universal was a pioneer in bringing movie monsters to life, wowing audiences of the long bygone black and white era with films about Frankenstein, Dracula, the Mummy, the Invisible Man, Creature of the Black Lagoon and so on.

Apparently, Universal intends to bang out a bunch of these monster flicks in the coming years.  Will the films tie in together?  Will the monsters work together or fight one another in a great, big “let’s get all the big actors for one movie” type of film?  Your guess is as good as mine.

In this version of “The Mummy,” Tom Cruise plays Nick Morton, a soldier/scumbag who robs historic sites in Iraq of their ancient riches only to get away with the dirty deed knowing that terrorists will attack the sites and anything looted will be blamed on them. This is a rare role for Cruise as this essentially makes him an anti-hero.  He’s not a good guy, but he does a good deed in the film, i.e. fights the Mummy.

Blah, blah, blah, Tom has a partner, Chris Vail (Jake Johnson) who is mainly in the film for comic relief and a love interest, archaeologist Jenny Halsey (Annabelle Wallis).  Shenanigans ensue when a lady mummy (Sofia Boutella) is released and seeks to carry out an evil plan that she hatched thousands of years ago.

Rounding out the cast is Russell Crowe who (SPOILER ALERT) plays Dr. Henry Jekyll.  That’s right.  The Henry Jekyll as in “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”  I found this to be a curious role and as I watched the film, I wondered if somewhere there was a writer who couldn’t decide if this film should be a Mummy movie or a Dr. Jeykll movie and then after I googled “Dark Universe” when I got home, I realized that Universal is raiding its long shut tomb of public domain/famous literary monster adaptations and bringing them together for our viewing pleasure.

It’s an interesting gambit and one that I hope works out for Universal.  Disney/Marvel seems to be playing a game that other studios want in on.  Though I’m not sure they’ll ever be topped, this movie is a solid attempt and arguably, a better one than the turd sandwich “Batman vs. Superman” that Warner Brothers dropped on us.

I’m sorry.  I will never stop saying bad things about “Batman vs. Superman.”  How do you screw that premise up?  How?  Someone tell me.  Seriously.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.  Tom Cruise might be a closet mummy as he is well-preserved for his age.

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