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Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Category Archives: Tomfoolery
Where Are My 3.5 Readers From? – 2016 Edition
Views By Country in 2016 As of Right Now:
#1 – United States – 4,511 -‘Murica! (Most views are from Aunt Gertie)
#2 – United Kingdom – 253 – Not a bad turn out but you Brits could do more. Drop the scones. Hide the crumpets. Log on to this fine blog, guvnah.
#3 – Canada – 203 – Come on Canucks. Stare at hockey and moose butts less and my blog more.
#4 – Australia – 151 – I appreciate you Aussies taking the time to check this site out…especially because…ahh! There’s a dingo eating your baby! (Made you look.)
U.S., U.K., Canada, Australia – I suppose like any English speaking author these are my top four.
But let’s not leave out:
#5 – India – 60 – I need to break out into spontaneous song and dance numbers to get their attention.
#6 – France – 59 – Sacre bleu! Ooo la la! That’s all I know.
#7 – Germany – 50 – This blog needs more disco and leather pants.
#8 – Brazil – 42 – I’m not sure if it is a tribe along the banks of the Amazon or somewhere in the favelas of Rio, but somewhere down there, a tiny pocket of Brazilians are all about BQB. DANZA KUDORO! OH OH OH OH! I don’t know. I just like that song because it was it was in Fast Five. I saw that movie by the way and I believe it qualifies me as an expert on Brazil.
#9 – The Philippines – 39 – Is that lady that bought a zillion shoes still in charge there?
#10 – Spain – 29 – Hola amigos. Yo so Bookshelf Que Battler. Leer mi blogador mas por favor. Gracias.
By the way, I have admonished the New Zealanders before and I need to do so again. You guys are #11 with 26 views this year. You speak English yet you’re being beaten by the Indians, French, Germans, Brazilians, Philippinos, and the Spanish.
They aren’t shooting the Hobbit movies there any more. What could possibly be going on in New Zealand that is so interesting that it is keeping you from becoming one of my 3.5 readers?
Top Ten Signs You Are One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers
And now from BQB HQ in East Randomtown…the Top Ten Signs You Are One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers
10. You continue to keep the faith that one day BQB will actually review a book.
9. You even keep the faith that one day BQB will finish writing a book he has started.
8. You wish you could have Scandal nights with Alien Jones and the Yeti.
7. Uncle Hardass is starting to sound more and more reasonable.
6. You check BQB’s movie reviews before you decide to see a movie.
5. You’ve done the math to determine whether or not it is statistically possible to have .5th of a reader.
4. You look at toaster pastries and toilets differently…especially on stormy nights.
3. It concerns you that BQB doesn’t write more in order to appease the Mighty Potentate.
2. A two-player game of Car Thief Mayhem with Video Game Rack Fighter sounds like a fun evening as long as you don’t try to beat her high score
And the number 1 reason why you might be one of BQB’s 3.5 readers…
- Someone has to be…so why not you?
I Got Shocked By My Earbuds
Hey 3.5 Readers.
Those who read this blog often (and my condolences to you, don’t worry, you’ll find something worth living for soon) are aware that I often complain about how it seems like some kind of cosmic karma force is after me, coming between me and all the goals I have in life.
Never before was that on full display today than when I made some time to hit the gym…
…AND I GOT SHOCKED BY MY DAMN EARBUDS!!!
Holy shit. I kid you not. It was hella scary y’all. (Yes, I said that.)
Here’s how it all went down.
I got out of my BQB mobile. Popped on my earbuds. I have an eclectic collection of music and I was in a Snoop Dogg mood.
His early work. Gin and Juice. Ahhh…how I miss the early 1990’s. Straight up fo sizzle.
So I walk through the parking lot. Head on in to the locker room. Take a wizz. (You need to know the full story and I can’t leave out any detail.)
Then I hang up my coat…Snoop’s kicking old school…laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind…sippin on gin and juice…I’m grooving along and then all of a sudden Snoop’s voice gets garbled and…
…ARGH!!! SHOCKS IN MY EARS! WTF?! WTF?! What’s going on! Snoop! Help me!
So I pulled the earbuds off and threw them into the locker, afraid if I kept holding onto them they’d fry me into a charcoal briquette.
Now I’m embarrassed in front of the old naked dudes walking around in the locker room.
SIDENOTE: Men, have you ever noticed that whatever gym you go to, there’s like a hundred and fifty naked old dudes walking around with everything on full display? It doesn’t matter what time you go. Morning, noon, night, 3 am, there will be a hundred and fifty naked old dudes just allowing everything to flap in the breeze because Goddamnit, they’re old and they don’t give a shit anymore. God bless them. It’s their God given right to let it all hang out in the locker room I guess.
I just wish they’d clear out when I get there but I digress.
Back to my original tirade.
So I had set down my phone and I go to pick it up and it gives me a static electricity shock and then I touch the locker itself and it gives me a static electricity shock.
Now, Dr. Hugo Von Science and I are on the outs, so I can’t exactly ask him what the hell happened, but I was able to conclude that apparently it is possible for static electricity to travel through your earbuds and shock your damn ears.
It was very scary. And honestly, I’m adding it to my list of complaints.
Because seriously, what are the odds of getting your ears shocked by your earbuds? They have to be pretty low. Probably not as low as they are to win the powerball, but still low.
When the odds of something good happening to me are low, they never happen. When the odds of something bad happening to me are low, they happen.
It’s just a pain in the ass. My whole life is like me dodging and ducking all kinds of bullshit that comes between me and the things I want to do in my life and to get shocked in the ears…it just made me feel like “OK F this I guess the gods just want me to stay out of shape and away from the gym.”
Because it’s not like going to the gym isn’t enough of a pain in the ass on its own.
First, there’s the aforementioned one hundred and fifty naked old dudes ALWAYS hanging around the locker room with no clear purpose for being there.
Second, whenever I pick up one damn weight, there’s always at least two hundred and fifty steroid addicted muscle bound jocks who feel the need to walk over and offer unsolicited advice on what I’m doing wrong, to which I always just nod politely until they leave me alone but in my mind I’m thinking, “Thank you sir, but as you can see, I’m not able to lift that damn seven hundred pound weight over my head and dance the Charleston like you can, so if you don’t mind, I’ll just stand here and put my full shame on display as I struggle with this tiny barbell which, by its pink color, I assume was designed for girls.”
And now, third, I have to worry about my ears getting shocked by my earbuds. I googled it. It indeed is a thing. It happens.
So be careful, 3.5 readers. Your earbuds can shock in more ways than playing Nicki Minaj’s latest song about her copious derrière.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day
Happy St. Patrick’s Day 3.5 readers.
What is your favorite Irish book/movie/or other Irish person or thing?
Happy Belated Pi Day
I’m a day late but what the hell.
What is your favorite kind of pie, 3.5 readers? (Hey, 3.5 is pretty close to 3.14.)
Maybe I should call you “pi readers.”
That could become my new thing. “Hi. I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I run a blog dedicated to entertaining pi readers.”
Take the Ultimate BQB Superfan Quiz!
In honor of the two year anniversary of bookshelfbattle.com, test your knowledge vis a vis all things Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Post your answers in the comments. Answers to come later. Prize=absolutely nothing. This blog has no budget.
QUESTION 1
Uncle Hardass wants you to get a job at:
A. McDonald’s
B. The Manure Factory
C. The Salt Mines
D. A Nissan Sentra Dealership
QUESTION 2
BQB was once a member of which late 1990’s/early 2000’s rap duo:
A. The Sweaty Boys
B. The Funky Hunks
C. West Street Posse
D. The Hairy Chest Duo
QUESTION 3
BQB’s current girlfriend is:
A. Blandie Settler
B. Video Game Rack Fighter
C. The Hot Ass Blonde Chick from Network News One
D. Katie Sackhoff-bot
QUESTION 4
BQB’s employer is:
A. Tan Stuff Unlimited
B. Grey Wonder Shop
C. Stucco Shack
D. Beige Corp.
QUESTION 5
BQB once died on the toilet after eating this:
A. Taco Bell burritos
B. A Lighting Infused Toaster Pastry
C. A peanut butter sandwich
D. Cold cereal
QUESTION 6
Leo McKoy, one of BQB’s rivals for the position of “Most Famous Man in East Randomtown” gained his local cult hero status after he delivered a sandwich to which 1990’s heartthrob?
A. James Van Der Beek
B. Mario Lopez
C. Mark-Paul Gosselaar
D. Jason Priestley
QUESTION 7
Which of the following companies HAS NOT sponsored the Bookshelf Battle Blog?
A. Hipster Hut
B. Beige Corp
C. Drying Paint Media
D. The Burger Wagon
QUESTION 8
The Yeti’s favorite computer is:
A. Macbook
B. Dell
C. Vintage Apple PC
D. Commodore 64
QUESTION 9
Dr. Hugo Von Science is the esteemed inventor of:
A. Teflon underpants
B. The Incredible Exploding Chinchilla
C. The “Duck, Duck!” Cannon
D. All of the above
QUESTION 10
The Mighty Potentate often orders Alien Jones to stop at intergalactic drive-thus to pick him up which food:
A. Pizza
B. Onion rings
C. Chicken fingers
D. Potato skins
Generation X Got a Raw Deal
A brief primer on the generations…
THE GREATEST GENERATION – People who came of age during World War II. Put their lives on hold due to Hitler’s epic douchebaggery. Post-War, the country was prosperous. Highways and infrastructure were built. New homes and communities made. They settled down and had…
THE BABY BOOMERS – The children of the Greatest Generation. Many went off to Vietnam. Others became hippies, embraced flower power and shit. Turbulent times. Assassinations. Fights over civil rights. Sid and Marty Krofft TV shows that blew kids minds and made people wonder if Sid and Marty weren’t taking a little something.
GENERATION X – The baby boomers’ kids. I was born on the tail end of this so I identify as a Generation Xer. We grew up in the 1980s, a time of relative peace and prosperity. In fact, things were so good that we kind of got depressed about it in the 1990s. With no wars or major events to bring us together, we just wore a lot of flannel and listened to incredibly boring alternative grunge music.
Typical lyrics were, “I am depressed…I’m sooo depressed, I am depressed about what will happen next. I dress like a lumberjack, because life is no good, oh look at me I’m going to chop wood…chop wood chop wood chop wood chop wood!”
Be careful what you wish for though because just as we were getting our lives started as young adults, terrorists crashed planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon. A whole new era of bullshit came to fruition.
Politics became nastier as a result. Not that it ever wasn’t but the country split right down the middle. Confidence was shaken. Businesses went belly up. The economy tanked. I dare say we’re the first generation in a long time to not do as well as their parents.
And it’s our turn to take things over, isn’t it? You’d think so. But look at the presidential contenders. Hilary and Trump are both about 70. Those pesky baby boomers are just going to hang onto everything forever. Thanks a lot, improved health care.
Except, not really. The Greatest Generation knew when it was time to go to Florida and play golf and shit. The Baby Boomers are going put their brains in robot bodies and still be running shit in 2100.
True, computers were pretty lame back when we were kids. Having the Internet was considered like a weird, ham radio type hobby until I went to college and then it kind of exploded. But Generation X embraced and popularized the Internet in its early days, Instant Messaging which would eventually be replaced by texting, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You’re welcome. Or we’re sorry, depending on your view of the Internet.
Actually, we will never apologize for Buffy. Frankly, we’re wondering why in this new age of new life being breathed into old shows, why isn’t there a Buffy rehash? Sarah Michelle Gellar and Alyson Hannigan still have their moves and honestly, Nicholas Brendon could use the work to keep him out of trouble.
I digress. If you’re a Generation Xer, you feel like the world skipped you over. Angst, angst, angst…SHIT AL QAEDA!!! angst..angst…angst… Such has been our lives.
I get a little offended when we’re lumped in with the Baby Boomers. Watch the news and you’ll hear about Baby Boomers or Millenials. Generation X is never mentioned. Maybe because the plural form is the non-catchy “Generation Xer.” Thanks, person who named our generation.
Even worse, I think the millennials aren’t aware of Generation X. They just think everyone born before 1990 is a Baby Boomer.
Example, at my company, Beige Corp, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and supplies, millennials will look at me and be like, “Why can’t that BOOMER die already so I can have his job?”
And I’ll be like, “Jesus Christ! I’m not that old! You’ve skipped an entire generation! People who liked the A-Team as kids are not ready to croak yet. Shoo! Shoo! Go bother that guy in accounting who liked Lassie when he was a kid. He’s going to croak any minute.”
Shit. Generation X was really screwed over. Which brings us to:
THE MILLENIALS – Have never known a life where you couldn’t think of a question and ask the Internet. I get a little worried about them whenever they say things like “safe space.” But the Baby Boomers hated my flannel. And the Greatest Generation hated the Baby Boomers’ tie dye shirts. And whoever the hell was before the Greatest Generation really did not like those…I don’t know. Whatever the hell they had.
So go forth, Millenials. Enjoy being relevant much earlier that my dear Gen Xers were. And I’m just kidding. You guys are great. Please check my blog often and if I ever write a book buy several copies. Snapchat it to your instatwitter.
But please try to remember that Gen Xers aren’t as old as the Baby Boomers. Anyone who watched Buffy in her prime isn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet.
Happy Valentine’s Day 3.5 Readers
If you have someone, enjoy the day.
If you’re single, you can go to Dairy Queen and ask for a Free Singles Blizzard. (Article in Fortune Magazine.)
I mean, if you’re not so prideful that you feel like going up to a teenage minimum wage slave and asking for a free ice cream treat to help dull the crippling pain of your seemingly endless loneliness isn’t beneath you and all.
I’m sure this promotion wasn’t created by a beautiful person or anything.
ATTRACTIVE AD EXEC 1 – Let’s give free ice cream to the lonely people on Valentine’s Day!
ATTRACTIVE AD EXEC 2 – Great idea! Ugly people love ice cream and they love deals that require them to admit that they’re single on the most romantic day of the year in order to stuff free food in their face holes!
If you’re in love, celebrate right.
If not, better luck next year and remember, you’re always loved as a member of BQB’s 3.5 readers club. Why do you need a soulmate when you’ve got free ice cream and an independently published blog to read? Seriously. Stop being selfish.
Planting a PuppyMonkeyBaby Earworm
Muah ha ha! You’ll be singing Puppy Monkey Baby forever now!
I mentioned on Twitter that I can’t stop singing puppy monkey baby.
Mountain Dew’s response?
Umm…guys I think you automatically assumed that me not being able to get the puppy monkey baby song out of my head is a good thing.
Great, first you get me addicted to caffeine, now I’m hooked on mutant hybrid commercial song.
Bookshelf Battle 