Tag Archives: amreading

May 05 2015
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Ask the Alien

Alien Jones – Taking Your Questions

The Intergalactic Space Force is a pants optional organization.

The Intergalactic Space Force is a pants optional organization.

He’s small.  He’s smart.

He literally has no need for pants.

He’s Alien Jones and he’s taking your questions right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

How did the universe begin?

Why are we here?

What does the future hold in store for us?

Is there a Burger Queen or does the Burger King lead an incredibly lonely life?

No question is too big or too small for the Esteemed Brainy One to answer.

Heck, he might even plug your book, blog or other writing project in his “Ask the Alien” column, a semi-regular feature on bookshelfbattle.com

And you don’t even need to be a published scribe with something to promote to consult the knowledge of He of the Great Gray Matter.

Submit your questions to Bookshelf Q. Battler, Owner and Proprietor of this blog.  You can do so through a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, or drop it in the comments on this site, or stop by BQB’s Google Plus Page:

https://plus.google.com/+BookshelfBattleblog

All inquiries will be forwarded to Alien Jones’ spaceship and he will get to them when he isn’t busy fighting the dastardly Moloklaxons (Officially Branded as the A-Holes of the Universe).

Alien photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 04 2015
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Book Reviews

Book Review – “Plan B” – Jonathan Tropper (2000)

I am just spoiling my 3.5 readers silly with book reviews all over the place lately.

Tropper's Plan B earns a place on my shelf.

Tropper’s Plan B earns a spot on my shelf.

Plan B is humorist Jonathan Tropper’s novel, released in 2000, about a group of friends who experience the harsh realities that come with the territory of turning thirty years old.

In fact.  “Thirty.  Shit.”  is a common refrain throughout the work.

Before I start my review, I’d like to offer the following comparison between Bookshelf Q. Battler of ten years ago and BQB of today:

UPON SEEING A SUPER HOT WOMAN

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – Wow.  I must find a way to win her heart.  I will go out of my way to please her and spend my days thinking of ways to make her happy.  All I have is hers.  I will work to turn myself into a man who deserves such a spectacular creature.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – Oh Jesus H. Christ she looks like a whole helluvalot of work.  Probably needy and demanding.  Probably will expect me to bend over backwards for her.  Probably wants all my money.  I’ll have to compete with every other jackass that wants her. Come on, sure she’s pretty but it’s not like rainbows shoot out of her butt or anything. God, I’m too exhausted for all that hullabaloo.  NEXT!

ON HEALTH

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – I’m going to run twenty miles and stay up all night!

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – I ate an expired yogurt.  Should I go to the emergency room?

ON DREAMS

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – I’ve worked so hard!  All my dreams will come true now!

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – My dream for today is to come home, watch Netflix, eat a taco, and fall asleep in a barcalounger.  All who interfere with my dream will suffer my wrath.

The great transfer from youth to adulthood is the crux of Tropper’s novel.

As a big humor fan, I’m not sure how it took me so long to read one of Tropper’s books.  He writes with a witty style, yet still manages to jam in enough seriousness to keep a plot moving.  The sign of a good author is that after reading one of his books, you want to read his other works, and that’s how Tropper left me feeling here.

In life, you start with Plan A.  You’re young.  You look at the world through rose colored glasses.  You truly believe anything is possible, that if you work hard enough, the world will give you a fair shake.  Ask a young person what they’re going to do when they grow up, and they will often tell you with great determination that they’re going to be an actor, musician, athlete, or insert other celebrated occupation here.

Then time passes.  The world knocks you around.  You experience your first breakup.  You suffer career setbacks.  You don’t get that plum job you wanted.  You find yourself feeling lucky to have any job at all.  Time keeps moving.  You suddenly realize that time is limited and there isn’t enough left to get yourself to where you always dreamed of being.

You end up having to go for, as Tropper puts it, “Plan B.”  You try to forgive yourself for not achieving the life you always wanted.  You learn to live life as best as you can with what you have left.

The story focuses around a group of now grown up college friends – Jack, Chuck, Lindsey, Allison, and Ben, the narrator.  They’re all adjusting to life after turning thirty years old.  They’re all finding that life isn’t what they thought it would be when they were young.

Ben thought he’d be a famous novelist by thirty.  Instead, he has a low level, cubicle dwelling magazine job.  Worse, he’s getting divorced from his wife, Sarah.  He’s hung up on his old girlfriend, Lindsey, who suffers from commitment-phobia.  She goes from job to job and man to man, never committing to any kind of stability for fear she’ll be stuck in the same ole, same ole forever.

Chuck is a successful doctor, but as a former fat kid who dieted his way skinny, he’s forever stuck in a rut of chasing after women, assumably out of a fear that he has to scoop up as many as he can before his latest body issue, a receding hair line, leaves him bald and unattractive.

Allison has spent her life yearning for Jack, the most successful of the bunch.  He’s a millionaire movie star but the twist?  Fame and fortune have turned out to be all they’re cracked up to be.  He suffers from a severe cocaine addiction that’s drawing paparazzi attention and threatening his health.

The group grows concerned about their friend and when an intervention fails, they take the unconventional route of kidnapping him, transporting him to Allison’s parents’ vacation home, and holding him prisoner until the cocaine is out of his system.  Along the way, Jack goes through withdrawals and eventually escapes and disappears, causing the world to suspect the friends of foul play.  It then becomes a goofy romp as the group searches for Jack and maintains their innocence.

Yeah, on the surface cocaine and kidnapping do not sound like the ingredients of a humorous story, but the talented Tropper can make anything funny.

Some of the references may be dated.  Others manage to stand the test of time.  Maybe Tropper could write a sequel, Plan C, about how the characters find life as a bunch of fifty year olds.  By then, they’ll probably yearn for the days when they were thirty.

STATUS:  Shelf worthy.

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May 03 2015
8 Comments
Book Reviews

Book Review – A Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger (1951)

Hey 3.5 Readers,

20010-DEFAULT-l

Buncha phonies.

Alien Jones is taking a Sunday off so I, your humble blog host, Bookshelf Q. Battler can provide you some commentary and analysis on the controversial classic novel, The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger.

Yes, once in awhile an honest to god book review happens here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

I’ve heard about this book my entire life, but only about how controversial it is, how it was banned and considered subversive when it first came out.

I never knew what it was about, but given all the negative hype, I assumed it must be something awful that would turn me into a crazed wacko hippy or something.

So when I finally cracked it open, I was surprised to find it’s just about a kid wandering around New York City in a dazed and confused manner.

Even more surprising?  It is equal parts sad and hilarious.

The protagonist?  One Holden Caulfield, a highly opinionated wayward youth whose soul is a bottomless pit of complaints.  From his friends at school to random people he meets, from Hollywood to New York City, everyone, is, to Holden “a phony.”

It took me a moment to get used to 1951 speak.  If this novel is a barometer of culture during the middle of the last century, then apparently youngsters of the time said some pretty bizarre things.

How to Speak Like Holden Caulfield

  • Phonies – Everyone’s a phony.  Hey you!  Yeah you, the only one reading this review!  You’re a phony!
  • And All – Pretty much thrown in at the end of every other sentence.  “So then I went to the park and all and there were some people there and all and I sat on a bench and all…”
  • Madman – Used to describe anything out of the ordinary.  “Those marbles bounced around like madmen.”
  • Goddamn – I don’t know if kids in 1951 said “goddamn” a lot or if Salinger didn’t think he could get away with dropping more than a few F-bombs without being kicked out of the country or something.
  • Really Was – In case you don’t believe him, Holden reminds you that he, she, or it (whatever or whomever he is discussing) “really was” whatever it is he’s saying they were.
  • Put them All Together – “So I went to the bar and all and the waiter was a real goddamn phony.  He really was.  He handed me a gin and tonic and I drank it like a mad man.  I really did and all.”

Continue reading →

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May 02 2015
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The Yeti

And Now a Message from The Yeti

Hello pitiful 3.5 readers.

The Yeti - Back by Unpopular Demand

The Yeti – Back by Unpopular Demand

This is the Yeti, former occupier of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, now prisoner in Bookshelf Battle HQ basement, from which I am only released on Thursday nights to watch Scandal with Bookshelf Q. Battler and the weird short alien man.

First, let me say, “ROAR!”

Second, let me tell you that I am guilty of nothing but good taste.  I tried to direct you 3.5 people away from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s lame pop culture obsessions and feast your eyes on lesser known gems, such as my beloved Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part 2: Electric Stewgaloo.

You must watch Olga’s Strewstravaganza Part 1 first as you will be hopelessly lost if you try to wade your way into Part 2 without taking in the breathtaking splendor of Part 1.

But you clowns ignored me and follow @bookshelfbattle on Twitter and now I am defeated by the many roundhouse kicks that were delivered by the amazing Bookshelf Q. Battler straight to my Yeti face.

Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, but allow me one last chance to reason with you people.

Don’t mark your calendars for May 15.  That’s the day when BQB’s story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” begins right on this horrendous excuse for a blog.

Honestly, what does BQB know about life?  If it isn’t at the bottom of a bottle of Dew of the Mountain then that loser knows nothing about it.

Next, I urge you to not mark your calendars for June 1.  That’s the day BQB’s Project X will land on this blog’s runway.  He claims its a project so awesome that he doesn’t want to share too much about it at this time.

Let’s face it.  He’s probably going to shave me on a live podcast.

Actually, that would probably be delightful.  Summer’s on the way and all this fur is a bitch come July.

So do mark your calendars or don’t.  I don’t care.  But as you cheer on your false prophet, the incredibly dimwitted BQB, know that he is exceptionally mean to Yetis.

Why, he doesn’t even let me hold the remote during Scandal.

In conclusion, Yetis love Scandal.

We really do.

Yeti picture courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 01 2015
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Ask the Alien

A Public Service Announcement from Alien Jones

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth Losers.  It is I, Alien Jones, the most intelligent being in the cosmos, here with an important public service announcement.

Beware the Moloklaxons - the Universe's Greatest Weirdoes

Beware the Moloklaxons – the Universe’s Greatest Weirdoes

Perhaps one day you one of you humans might turn off your TV, your computer, your cell phone, your iPad, your iWatch, or your iWhatever and do something crazy like, oh I don’t know, venture outside your dwelling and take in some your planet’s fresh air.

Actually, that’s not advisable as you clowns have evaporated your ozone layer, what with your body sprays and fancy butt perfumes and all, but I digress.

While your outside, you may encounter what we in the intergalactic exploration business refer to as an “Unidentified Flying Object.”

That’s a bit of a misnomer.  To you, it’s unidentified.  To us, it’s those damn Moloklaxons, the jerk faces of the universe.

While most civilized alien worlds banned the practice of abduction over a thousand years ago, the Moloklaxons feel there is nothing more hilarious to do on a Saturday night than to beam an unsuspecting human into their craft, fly all over the galaxy, perform disturbing nether region probes, then drop said human off in the middle of the nowhere, making sure to dose said human with a gallon of Kentucky bourbon so that the Earth authorities will write the abduction victim off as a drunkard or kook.

If you see such a spaceship in your vicinity – run!  And if the Moloklaxons tell you that they must abduct you in the name of intergalactic science, know this a hoax, as they are not acting in accordance with intergalactic law.

I’m glad I was able to clear up this important question, Earth losers.  Meanwhile, if you have any more questions, you should submit them to Bookshelf Q. Battler who will forward them to me.  Drop them in the comments on this blog, on BQB’s Google Plus, or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Finally, I’m contractually obligated to remind you that the epic blog serial story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” will begin right here on bookshelfbattle.com on May 15.

I’m not prominently featured in this tale so really, I could give three craps if you read it.

Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

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Apr 30 2015
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Self Publishing

Self Publishing Podcast in Primetime

Johnny Sean and Dave doing a special 8:00 pm primetime live show in honor of their three year anniversary.

They did not get each other flowers.

Check it out.  They’re on now:

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Apr 27 2015
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Dr. Hugo Von Science

A Special Message from Dr. Hugo Von Science

SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY BY DR. HUGO VONSCIENCE, HEAD SCIENTIST AT THE ADVANCED SCIENCE INSTITUTE OF SCIENCE UNIVERSITY

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

It is I, Dr. Hugo Von Science!  Perhaps you recognize me from my many wunderbar inventions:

  • Teflon Pants – for those exceptionally messy jobs
  • Teflon Underpants – see above
  • The Colon Roomba – patrols your intestines, sucking up excess food.  As soon as I gain FDA approval, you’ll never see another overweight person ever again!
  • EMPC Grenades – Similar to the Electronic Magnetic Pulse Grenades that knock out the enemies’ electronics, these do the same thing but they also deafen the Army’s opponents with a vigorous blasting of Cher’s greatest hits.
  • The Two Jump Pogo Stick – Literally get anywhere in the world within two jumps.  We’ve lost many test chimps but we’re confident we’ll figure it out by 2018.
  • The Incredible Exploding Chinchilla – You laugh, but when we drop a thousand of these bad boys out of a plane with tiny parachutes, the enemy won’t know what hit them.

And last but certainly not least:

  • The X57 Planetary Smashing Death Ray – to be placed on the moon in order to hold the Earth for ransom and…woopsie!  I’ve said to much.

Anyhow, I’d like to say a few words about my former student, Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler, who took every class I taught at the Advanced Science Institute.

In fact, BQB’s assistance was instrumental in securing a patent for the Incredible Exploding Chinchilla.  We were able to secure all legal rights to the invention, thus stopping those lesser bastards at Science Tech from their foolish plan to develop exploding ferrets.

Exploding ferrets.  Like that would ever work.

BQB is a wise man, an intelligent man, and a generous man.  In fact, he spotted me a portrait of Andrew Jackson just to say all this.  That’s just the kind of guy he is.

But what you really need to know is that his epic story, Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life is coming to your computer screens on May 15.  It’s going to be a blog serial, meaning every day throughout the summer, he’ll post a bite size chunk of his adventure tale right here on bookshelfbattle.com

The best part?  He’s doing it for free!  (Which makes sense because between you and me I suggested to him that he should spot you all a portrait of Andrew Jackson if he wants anyone to read it).

Whatever you do, be sure to read the part where I, the illustrious Dr. Hugo Von Science make a brief cameo in this stinkenheimer of a story.

By the way, I also hear mumblings that BQB has yet another series dropping on this blog on June 1.  I have no involvement in that one because he’s thus far only been referring to it as “Project X.”

MARK YOUR CALENDARS

BQB AND THE MEANING OF LIFE – May 15

PROJECT X – June 1

It may or may not involve exploding chinchillas.  You know what?  Just assume there won’t be any exploding chinchillas in Project X and then you will be pleasantly surprised if there are some.  (Or surprised if there aren’t any, if you’re one of those namby pambies who can’t appreciate a good exploding chinchilla.

Finally, I just want to point out that BQB’s strongest subject has never been math.  He claims as some kind of a joke that he only has 3.5 readers but he just told me his blog has around 900 followers.

Such a poor math student.  That reminds me – due to poor calculations, BQB’s first one hundred chinchilla test subjects did not even explode.  It was only when I pointed out to him that he forgot to carry the one was he able to explode chinchillas at a fast and furious pace.

Either way, if you haven’t followed the Bookshelf Battle Blog, now’s the time to do so because you’ll be able to take in free serialized stories on this blog all summer long.

And who knows?  I might return to talk more about scientific happenings of a scientific nature.

Danke schön,

Dr. Hugo Von Science

Head Scientist

Advanced Science Institute of Science University

Mad scientist photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Apr 26 2015
2 Comments
Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones Tonight!

Are you Team Khaleesi?  Have you taken sides with Cersei?  Are you still holding out hope that the Stark children will land a Hail Mary Pass?

Do you want to take up a sword for Stannis?  Do you think that Jon Snow knows more than nothing?

Or are you keeping your fingers crossed that Hodor will become the ultimate dark horse candidate for the Iron Throne?

Stop by bookshelfbattle.com tonight after Game of Thrones S5 Ep 3 and chat with Bookshelf Q. Battler, Blogger-in-Chief.  Toss out your observations, formulate your conspiracy theories, and what the hell, plug your blogs!

Can’t wait that long?  Read the latest installment of BQB’s epic fantasy parody – “Game of Yetis.”

Yes, in the latest episode, Alien Jones (Lord Alien of House Jones) makes an appearance.  He’s always answering questions on the Bookshelf Battle Blog and now he’s making a trip across the Narrow Sea to answer questions from the Khaleesi.

IMG_1757

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Apr 26 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 4/26/15 – Iggy, Jennifer, and Daniel Waltz’ “The Water Travelers”

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist, Most Intelligent Being in the Universe

PREVIOUSLY ON ASK THE ALIEN:

AJ’s Relatives, Orcs, and Sci-Fi Gary

Alien artifacts and diseases!

Pixels!

AND NOW ASK THE ALIEN CONTINUES…

Sigil of House Jones

Greetings Earth Losers!  Alien Jones here beaming copious amounts of knowledge through the Bookshelf Battle Compound and straight into all of your computerized devices which, though they may seem highly advanced to you rubes, are actually considered children’s toys in most other parts of space.

Who has a question?  Come forward and declare your inquiry!

BQB:  Hey AJ.  It’s me.  Bookshelf Q. Battler.

AJ:  Oh Cripes.  Not many takers this week?

BQB:  Well, you’re the one who told me to stop bribing the winos.  But seriously, I have a question – what is the best song ever produced?

AJ:  Ahh, that is an excellent question but I could not possibly answer it.  There are so many, where would I begin?  Do I limit the field of inquiry to a particular genre?  To a group of artists?  To a select time period?  To a single planet?  The realm of possibility is so vast that…

BQB:  I’ll save you the “trouble.”  It’s Trouble by Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Hudson.

AJ:  You can’t just say that a song is the best song ever produced, why that’s….

BQB:  Sing it.

AJ:  No I couldn’t possibly…

BQB:  You know you want to.

AJ:  It would be indignified…

BQB:  Do it!

AJ:  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT YOU WERE BAD NEWS…FROM THE BAD BOY DEMEANOR AND THE TATTOOS….TAKE IT BOOKSHELF….

BQB:  DON’T YOU COME IN THINKIN’ YOU BALLIN….it’s so great isn’t it?

AJ:  It really is.  I stand corrected.  This song is the best song ever composed in the history of the space/time continuum.

BQB:  Makes Beethoven look like a pile of crap.

AJ:  We shall sing it during the commercials on Scandal night!

BQB:  Damn straight.  But first, you have a question…

Daniel Waltz, author of “The Water Travelers” asks:

ALIEN JONES,

Have you ever water traveled?

Oh Daniel, I see what you did there.  You worked the title of your book series into your question.  Good show!  For BQB’s 3.5 readers, I’ll note that your site provides a description of your latest installment, The Curse of Senapin. Here’s an excerpt:

“For the past six months, Aaron and Madi have been waiting to receive word from Yerowslii. But, when the King of Upitar is taken captive by Senapin forces, Aaron and Madi must flee their hiding place to rescue him. Although skeptical of it, they are accompanied by a disloyal ally, Ugine.”

– Daniel Waltz, The Water Travelers

Bookshelf Q. Battler and I can relate.  On our joint missions to make the Earth a more intelligent place, we’re often accompanied by The Yeti and he’s the most disloyal and ugly ally I’ve ever seen.

I was quite impressed with your book trailer:

BQB:  My socks were knocked right the hell off, AJ.  At first I was like, “Twenty one seconds?  That’s too short…”

AJ:  Yes, but “Adventure finds those who are brave enough to take the first step.”  That’s all you need to know.  If I had emotions, I’d be moved.

BQB:  Plus it’s read by someone who sounds like he could be a friggin’ Lord of the Rings wizard or something.  Very awesome.  Makes me want to rush right on over to Amazon and buy a zillion copies…

Now, at first I thought Daniel was just trying to find out if I like to water ski or snorkel or something (which I do) but he’s actually referring to a power discussed in the book that allows travel between another world and Earth through water.

To answer your question, no.  I don’t need to.  I’m a duly designated officer of the Intergalactic Space Force and as such I have a vast array of ships at my disposal, so there’s no reason to get my pants wet.  (When I bother to wear them.  I usually don’t because, you know, I’ve got nothing down there so what’s the point?)

Your book is very prophetic though because certain species have been “water traveling” for years.  In fact, there’s an entire planet where anchovies rule like kings, love like queens, laugh like jesters, and live like jacks.  Then they water travel on over to Earth and end up as a dinner entrée topping.  Don’t you feel bad now for putting them on your pizza?

BQB:  I don’t think anyone put anchovies on their pizza anymore AJ.  I think they just keep one can around for the random weirdo who wants a fishy pizza.

AJ:  Sounds like something The Yeti would be into.

Thank you for your question Daniel.  May your career as an author travel farther than the vast reaches of the cosmos.

Until next week, this is Alien Jones, signing off.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Apr 25 2015
4 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

Guest Submissions

As previously mentioned, the Summer of Bookshelf is coming soon.  BQB will be churning out the 1371251154-2content at a fast and furious pace determined to win the writer’s battle along with his ongoing bookshelf battle.

One of two serialized stories will be “Bookshelf Q Battler and The Meaning of Life.”

I’m thinking about seeking guest blog posts in which writers answer the question – “What is The Meaning of Life?”

My story will be broken up into small chunks, easily consumed on a daily basis throughout the summer.  Occasionally, it would be great to break it up with some guest submissions vis a vis this illusive question.

I haven’t decided the parameters yet and am still thinking it through, but in the meantime, it would be great to reach out and get initial reactions.

If you’re interested, let me know in the comments.  If enough people show an interest, I’ll make another post explaining it all.

As always, thanks for reading.  You’re all the bees knees.

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