Is your boyfriend super jacked in the muscle department? Does he not own a single shirt?
Does his long hair blow around in the wind all the time, even when there is no wind?
Is he always picking you up and walking off into the sunset, even though you can walk just fine?
Is your boyfriend always polishing his wand? Does he know how to bring the magic to a relationship?
Most importantly, does he have a long ass gray beard and a pointy star hat?
Well ma’am, I hate to bring you bad news, but you may very well be dating a wizard.
Check out these warning signs to be sure.
#151 – Girl, you look all kinds of tasty.
#152 – Come on. This thing isn’t going to touch itself.
#153 – Pardon me. Do you have any Gray Vag-pon?
#154 – Am I famous? Well, as it so happens I’m a repeat guest on Cops.
#155 – Yes, I farted. Yes, I’m a big enough man to claim my own farts. What about it?
#156 – Wanna wrassle?
#157 – I’ve got a can of whipped cream at home. Let’s use it before it goes bad.
#158 – You are way hotter than my wife.
#159 – I want to ride off into the sunset with you…and then lock you in my basement.
#160 – Has anyone ever told you that you were beautiful? They have? What the hell? Do you hang out with a lot of blind people or something?
#161 – Hold on. I need to grease myself up first.
#162 – I love it when you laugh. Your laughter, unlike my syphilis, is contagious.
#163 – I’m open to butt stuff.
#164 – I’m undressing you with my mind. Nice girdle.
#165 – I can’t promise you that I won’t get you drunk and sell you to a group of unscrupulous international sex slave traffickers…but I’ll try my best not to.
#166 – I can’t promise that I won’t get you drunk and sell one of your kidneys to a black market organ dealer…but I’ll try my best not to.
#167 – I can’t promise that I’ll take a shower every day…but I’ll try my best not to.
#168 – Not interested? I knew you were a lesbian. I can spot a daughter of Sappho from fifty paces.
#169 – Wanna come back to my place? I have a hot tub that’s virtually bacteria free. There’s maybe one, two amoebas tops.
#170 – You’re looking good baby but you’re not quite there yet. Drop twenty pounds and you’ll be on the train to pound town.
#171 – I’ll look better after my spray tan appointment.
#172 – What will fifty bucks get me?
#173 – Would you care to have a brief conversation in order to gauge whether or not we share any mutual interests and continue thereafter if we do? Or should I just ruin everything by talking about my penis right away?
#174 – I’m a lawyer.
#175 – I’d like to buy you a drink, but I’ve been out of work for six years. Can I offer you the juice box that’s been warming in my back pocket all evening instead?
Hello ladies.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here.
Is your boyfriend stiff? Some might say even a little wooden? Well, I don’t want to alarm you but just in case, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy:
#10 – He’s got wood.
Maybe it’s because he was carved out of an old tree, or maybe it’s because he’s a man. Inconclusive.
#9 – He only speaks when you shove your hand up his ass.
Maybe it’s because he’s a puppet and that’s the only way he can speak…or maybe he’s a man with a girlfriend and thus, that’s the only way he’s allowed to speak. Again, inconclusive.
#8 – Has a squeaky voice.
Maybe he has a squeaky voice because he’s a dummy or maybe he just suffers from a debilitating testosterone deficiency. Inconclusive.
#7 – He’s a big dummy.
Maybe he’s a big dummy because he is a dummy but then again, has there ever been a woman in existence who didn’t think that her boyfriend or husband was a big dummy at one point in time or another? Inconclusive.
#6 – Tells terrible jokes.
Most dummies do, but what man doesn’t? Inconclusive.
#5 – Might Be an Evil Murderer
Yeah, but then again, any boyfriend might be an evil murderer. Do you follow your boyfriend all day and night long? Do you know where he is right now? Inconclusive.
#4 – Can Still Talk While You’re Drinking Water
Either you’re an exceptional ventriloquist, or just a regular water drinker and your boyfriend likes to talk while you are thirsty. Inconclusive.
#3 – Can Turn His Head Around 360 Degrees
That could mean that he’s a ventriloquist dummy but it could also mean that he’s been possessed by a demon. Is your boyfriend a blasphemous heathen that inadvertently invited inexplicable evil to take up residence in his carcass? Inconclusive.
#2 – His face is expressionless.
Yeah, but most men are bad when it comes to expressing their emotions. Inconclusive.
#1 – Always has a snappy comeback.
True, that could be a sign that he’s a dummy but keep in mind men tend to say dickish things at extremely inappropriate times. Inconclusive.
CONCLUSIONS
I have just scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is literally no way to tell whether or not your boyfriend is a human or a ventriloquist dummy, since there are so many similarities between the two. Therefore, just to be on the safe side, you must assume your boyfriend is a ventriloquist dummy at all times.
Ahh, dating, that most antiquated of human rituals. He plays coy. She plays hard to get. Will they or won’t they? On and on the dance goes. Where it stops, nobody knows.
But perhaps you aren’t one to belly up to the bar, watering hole, or other public gathering place in order to seek a mate. Perhaps you prefer to sign up for one of those websites that includes a veritable meat market catalog of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes.
If so, you’re pal BQB is here to help you avoid some errors. From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Online Dating Profile Mistakes:
#10 – “If you are/for/believe in X, swipe left!”
That’s rather judgmental, isn’t it?
Many online daters will write something in their profiles that says something like:
Really? I mean, you think these things are important to you but perhaps that will all go by the way side for the right person. Ladies, suppose a super hunky stud muffin is looking at your profile and about to click on it so he can take you on a date and dote upon you with his millions of dollars but then he’s like, “Well, I don’t really like the Clippers…”
And really? Are you really going to put your cat over your potential love if you meet someone perfect for you but he/she has a cat allergy? I know your scruffy little buddy has always been there for you but surely some sort of arrangement could be worked out. Perhaps for the right one you might be able to find a nice alternative home for your fluffy friend and visit once in awhile.
Politics might be a more delicate issue and I suppose two people who would constantly bicker about who would be the best at running the country are unlikely to get along. Then again, you never know. Maybe you two can learn to love one another enough to not force your opinions on each other – love each other by day, then go to the polls at night and cancel each other out with your opposing votes.
#2 – Putting Up (ONLY) a Better than Usual Photo
We all have managed to take at least photo whereby, with the right combination of lighting, lens and angle manipulation, makes us look like a supermodel.
Maybe go ahead and use that, but also throw up some photos of what you look like on an average, day to day basis. I’m not saying take a photo of you in your underpants with a cat under your left arm, a trail of crumbs on your chest and a half-eaten bag of potato chips in your right arm, but perhaps just a nice pic of you in casual attire will do.
So what if you’re a little bit chubby, ugly or odd looking? Being honest about it just means the jerk faces that care about such trivial matters won’t waste your time while you search for the person who won’t care about your flabby belly, crow’s feat, widow’s peak, basketball sized nose goiter or what have you.
#3 – Putting Up a Photo of Yourself with Someone of the Opposite Sex
Ladies, I’d be curious to have your input on what you assume when a man’s dating profile features photos of the guy with other women. I’d wager that there would be some women who would be like, “Huh, he must have something good going on if he has that much stank on his hang low,” but for the most part, the woman that you want to bring home to meet your mother will probably be annoyed.
I can give you the male opinion on what men think when they see a dating profile photo featuring the woman with other men. I spoke with all the other men at the recent man meeting and they authorized me to speak for all mankind on this very important issue by a vote of 198,999 burps to 77 farts. There was one armpit squeak in abstention due to a conflict of interest.
Basically, we don’t like it. My assumption is “Oh. Here’s a woman with 300 guy friends. She’ll hang out with them all the time and tell all her personal stuff to them and talk about me to them even though I should be the most important guy in her life. If I look at another girl for a second, she’ll rip my head off but she’ll think it’s fine that she’s with all these dudes all the time. She’ll say they are just friends but I, like Biz Markie, know better. She may even be naive enough into thinking these dudes are not interested in her on a physical level, but as the owner of a penis, I know that all men are interested in their female friends on a physical level and are only settling for friendship in the hopes that it will be upgraded to a romantic relationship.”
Gay people, I’m a time traveler from the 1990s who just happens to reside in your current time, so I don’t know how to advise you. I assume that gay dudes aren’t a fan when they see a photo of someone they like with another dude. I assume that lesbians don’t like to see the lesbians they like with other lesbians. Apologies if I’m wrong. I’m from the 90s, but I try my best to stay woke.
Now, it’s a free country. Maybe you want to put that vibe of “I’m a partying free spirit and I’m out there ready to mix and mingle with lots of people.” And maybe these people in your photo really, truly are just friends but…the person on your dating profile doesn’t know that.
#4 – Talk Down About Yourself
“Oh, on the weekends, I like to paint but that’s dumb I guess.”
NO! You are the next Van Gogh! “On the weekends, I like to relax, paint brush in hand, waiting for inspiration to strike.”
Talk yourself up. Don’t worry. If you get married, your significant other will have many, many years to talk down to you.
#5 – Poor Spelling
This probably won’t be a problem for everyone but like, say a dude is looking at a babe’s profile and it is all misspelled. The dude’s going to assume she’s dumb. Oh wait, a dumb girl…hmmm…if she’s that dumb she might go for you then, dude. Carry on!
#6 – Lies
Don’t say you’re a billionaire venture capitalist by day and a masked vigilante crimefighter by night with your own mansion and a yacht and a butler if you do and have none of these things. She’ll figure it out eventually.
#7 – Don’t Be Sad and/or Inform Your Potential Dates About All Your Problems
“Well, I’m just getting back out there to the dating world after my ex-wife, that miserable she-beast, ran off with my best friend and all of my money and our kids and my dog. I’m trying to scrape my life together, but it’s been tough since my house burnt down and also I’m in recovery for Mentos popping addiction due to a time when I popped the Freshmaker two at a time to distract myself about how sad I was for being unemployed due to the fact that I was recovering from a penis transplant because my original penis got caught in a shredder.”
Tough one. Don’t lie. Don’t deceive. But…maybe just don’t let it all hang out there at first? Women are pretty good about peeling back your stinky layers until they reveal the smelly onion inside. It’ll be up to them if they still want that onion, if they feel it is worth Febrezing. But you only get seconds to make a good first impression so you don’t want to come off as a sad sack straight out of the gate.
#8 – Saying Things That Sound Good but Are Meaningless
“I like happy times on a Saturday night, cozy days with friends, and warm Summer frolics.”
WTF? Tell me what you like to do, dummy. I want to know if we like to do the same things. Do you like watching Game of Thrones and shoving pizza in your face? Really? I also love to watch Game of Thrones and shove pizza into my face. Let’s get together and watch Game of Thrones and shove pizza into our faces.
But wait, what? You like to run triathlons and can bench press a Kia Sportage? I can do neither of those things. I would slow you down. Good day to you madam. It is a good thing you were honest so we didn’t waste each others’ time with our vastly different interests.
#9 – Be Lame
If you think it’s lame, it’s lame. Don’t post that photo of you with your ventriloquist dummy, unless you are one of the few millionaire ventriloquist performers in the world. Even then, you might want to hold off on it.
Don’t talk about how you are a mama’s boy or post photos of your action figure collection or what have you. Remember, these stinky layers will eventually be peeled. You don’t want to throw all your stink at a lady in one sitting. She needs to ease into the stink slowly. Dish out the stink in small amounts until she’s too in love to care about the sum total of your voluminous stink.
#10 – Be Shirtless
Well…hmm. I may or may not be wrong here. I’ve never had a physique that I’ve been dying to show off so what would I know, really? My assumption is that yes, dude, if you have a studly physique, a shirtless pic might get you some interested ladies…but again, the nice one you want to bring home to meet your parents would probably frown upon you being so public with your pecs.
But again, what would I know? I’d post a shirtless pic, but the Internet could never handle that much manly chest hair.
My attorney reminds you I have no idea what I’m talking about. This post was just in good fun and taking anything I said as advice that you should or should not follow could have disastrous results.
#76 – Hey baby. I have some lotion and I would love it if you would put it in my basket. Remember, if you don’t put it in the basket, you’ll get the hose again.
#77 – Pardon me, I know this sounds rude and offensive, but I just have to say you have an amazing body. It would look fabulous in my crawlspace.
#78 – Does this rag I just pulled out of my pocket smell like chloroform to you?
#79 – You look so beautiful I just want to kiss you. But first, can you sign these forms in triplicate stating your assent to me kissing you? Also, we’ll need to find a late night drive-through notary office before we can get down to business.
#80 – You’ll probably never do any better than me. I’ll probably never do any better than you. Let’s just give up and be together already. It’s not like anyone else is kicking down the door for us.
#81 – Oh, you like my outfit? Good because the 1970s called and they said they will never take it back.
#82 – Let’s make some bad decisions. Put me at the top of the list.
#83 – I look way better in the dark. In fact, there are no lightbulbs in my place.
#84 – Can I just take a quick selfie with you so all my social media followers will assume I have something going on even though I clearly don’t?
#85 – Maybe’s there’s a python in my pants. Maybe it’s just a lowly worm. Pants roulette, baby. Pants roulette.
#86 – I’m the best man I know but I admit I don’t know many people.
#87 – Let’s make this quick. I have to get back to Gotham City and fight the Joker. Shh, don’t tell anyone I told you that.
#88 – Am I ugly or are you just very judgmental?
#89 – I love to workout. Every day I curl two pints of Ben and Jerry’s right into my pie hole.
#90 – Our children would no doubt look like hideous mutants.
#91 – Get out of my dreams…and into my pants. No, wait! My car! Sorry, I always screw up that song.
#92 – Do you have a photo of your mother? I’d like to know up front whether or not you’ll still be bone-able in twenty years.
#93 – Are you a member of PETA? Good, because I’m one dirty animal that needs to be saved.
#94 – I look much better in my gimp mask. Trust me.
#95 – Baby, you should stop smoking. You’re hot enough already.
#96 – Where are your friends? Before I date you I need to know you are the hottest one in the batch.
#97 – I can haz vagina?
#98 – McDonald’s on me baby. Your choice of one item on the value menu, or you can have a Happy Meal but I get to keep the toy.
#99 – Maybe I’m a frog. Maybe I’m a prince. You’ll never know until you kiss me, girl.
#100 – I’m the lead singer in my boy band.
Hey 3.5 readers. Did you know that I am an expert pickup line writer? I can’t use them myself, unless I use them all on Video Game Rack Fighter, but here are some pickup lines that, well, I can’t tell you if they will work or not.
If you are feeling adventurous, feel free to use them, though my lawyer advises the Bookshelf Battle Blog will take no responsibility for any injuries, physical, mental or otherwise, that you sustain due to using them:
#1 – Hey baby. I have a 401K. Bask in my financial responsibility.
#2 – I’m a time traveler sent here from the future to get all up in dat phat ass.
#3 – Wanna play hide the pickle? No, really, I’m talking about a cucumber that was soaked in brine for an extended time period.
#4 – There’s a hamster in my pocket. Want to pet it?
#5 – Are you from Heaven? Because I need an angel to save me. No seriously, I’m a depressed meth addict without a job or a place to stay and I really need you to save me baby.
#6 – Can I buy you a drink and/or possibly multiple drinks? How much alcohol do you need to ingest in order for me to appear remotely attractive?
#7 – I made a sex tape once. Critics called it “the best comedy of the year.”
#8 – I fart. You fart. Let’s fart together.
#9 – Damn baby are you a whale because that is one back I’d like to hump.
#10 – Baby, what’s your sign? Mine’s vagitarious.
#11 – Care for some cunnilingus? I’ve got my own miner’s helmet with the flashlight built in. Perfect for spelunking.
#12 – Your face makes me believe anything is possible. Do you think us rubbing our nasty bits together would be possible?
#13 – Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you three trillion more times?
#14 – My mom’s with her bridge club so I have the apartment all to myself tonight.
#15 – There’s a party in my pants and you’re the guest of honor. Get in there and get your cake, girl.
#16 – Arr! I be a pirate and I claim yon booty for me, arr!
#17 – Let me just put it in for a minute thirty. Pretend I’m a hot pocket and you’re a microwave.
#18 – I do laundry. I will wash that outfit and press it after you leave it all over my floor tonight, girl.
#19 – Let’s get married right now and figure out if we like each other tomorrow
#20 – I just went to Taco Bell and I’ve got about a half hour until my butt explodes. Let’s do this thing, baby.
#21 – I promise I have no STDs. Literally no woman has ever touched my penis, so it is completely safe.
#22 – I always light a scented candle after I let one rip.
#23 – Why haven’t you made my dinner yet?
#24 – Baby take a ride in my Toyota Corolla.
#25 – I would like to take you for a drive in my weird looking 1970s era, non-descript white van.
#26 – All my ex-girlfriends told me that it was them and not me. I felt that was really big of them to be able to admit their personal failings.
#27 – What’s your sign? “Open for Business” hopefully.
#28 – Am I really that ugly or am I just abstract?
#29 – So, do you live around here? No, seriously, can you draw me a map to your house and write down what times you are sleeping?
#30 – I do magic!
#31 – Have you met my ventriloquist dummy?
#32 – I think there’s a coin behind your ear…
#33 – Pull my finger.
#34 – Do you twerk? Because I know a class that can teach you…
#35 – I look fabulous when I’m covered in cheese whiz.
#36 – Hey look! Two boobs, no waiting!
#37 – Do you want to see my impression of a motor boat?
#38 – Would you care to see my lair?
#39 – Free mustache rides!
#40 – Free discount gynecology exams!
#41 – Hello. I’m Donald Hump. Want to make my penis great again?
#42 – I’d love to take you on a romantic vacation but my parole officer says I’m not allowed to leave the state.
#43 – They broke the mold when they made you, but I’d love to fix that mold and make another you, you know, one that I could just feel up and not have to listen to her babble or put up with her bullshit or anything.
#44 – You. Me. A hot tub and a vat of orange marmalade. No, you can’t know what the orange marmalade is for. I don’t even know what it is for. I’m just improvising as I go along, baby.
#45 – Pardon me, ma’am but are those yours or did you steel with two of LeBron James’ game balls?
#46 – Eh, come on. If it isn’t me it’s just going to be some other asshole.
#47 – Do you like my beard? I drew it with a magic marker.
#48 – I have money. Lots of money. Just take my word for it. No, you can’t look at my bank records. Where’s the trust?
#49 – Of all the babes in this bar, you are the hottest one that I just happen to be sitting next to.
#50 – I just took a breath mint so I’m good to go.
Hey 3.5 readers. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Video Game Rack Fighter here.
Sigh. I suppose BQB’s love song got to me. All of a sudden I’m missing his neediness and feeling bad that I have left him with no other place to live other than a tiny motel room where he has to spoon with Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.
Then again, if I let him come back he’ll just pee on the toilet seat again. Plus, I have come to enjoy being a blog proprietor. And it has been a blast to have custody of you 3.5 readers.
Thoughts? What say you, 3.5 readers?
Dear Video Game Rack Fighter,
Your old ex-boyfriend BQB here. I know our divorce agreement called for me to be shot out of a cannon aimed directly at the sun if I ever post on this fine blog ever again, but it’s Valentine’s Day and I can’t help myself.
These past few weeks spent spooning with Leo McCoy in the Random Motel have really provided me some perspective, namely, that I love you and also that I won’t even pee in the toilet anymore so as to avoid causing a fight due to poor aim. I will just pee outside with Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog from now on.
Anyway, I met Lionel Ritchie at the Random Motel. He was staying there because, well, he doesn’t have much to do lately. He helped me write this love song in your honor. Hope you like it:
Hello…Is It BQB You’re Looking For?
I’ve been alone with you inside my HQ
And when Leo McCoy spoons me, I don’t know what to do.
I sometimes use the Yeti as my throw rug on the floor.
Hello, is it BQB you’re looking for?
I can see it in on the blog
I can see it in the web hits
You want to go back to your video games.
You don’t want none of this.
And I want to tell you so much, I love you.
I long to see you turn on your gaming system.
And watch you kick back with a game of Car Thief Mayhem.
But all I do now is tell Leo McCoy, “No!”
Hello! I don’t want to spoon with him no mo!
Cause I wonder what Bookshelf Q Battle Dog is up to.
Is he being a good dog.Is he watching over you?
Tell me how to win back my blog, it would be a miraculous feat.
But let me start by saying…I’m sorry I peed on the toilet seat.
Hello
Is it BQB you’re looking for?
Cause I wonder about my 3.5 readers, and what is on their minds.
Are they still even reading this blog? Are they tired of this grind?
Tell me how to win back my blog, oh that would be a miraculous feet
But let me start by saying I’m sorry I peed on the toilet seat.P.S. Also I love you and so forth.
Hey 3.5 readers.
VGRF here.
Ahh, Valentine’s Day. That day of the year where couples celebrate their love, and single people wallow in their misery.
Have you got no sweetie to canoodle with on this February 14? No worries. From BQB HQ, now VGRF HQ, in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Things You Can Do on Valentine’s Day If You Are Single:
#10 – Cry
It’s natural. It’s healthy. It pushes toxins out of your system. Have a ball while having a ball. Personally, I won’t cry over…<sniff sniff> that loser BQB…<sniff>.
#9 – Hug Your Cat
Video Game Rack Fighter Cat is my fluffy valentine. If you don’t have a fluffy valentine, maybe there’s one at the pound who would love to be yours.
#8 – Eat Lots of Ice Cream
Preferably, with the cat under one arm and the spoon in the other hand thus to maximize the total possible amounts of cat snuggling and scooping of ice cream into face hole.
#7 – Fart Freely
You’re single. You have no one to offend. Let ’em rip.
#6 – Foil a Super Villain’s Plot to Take Over the World
There’s always a super villain up to no good somewhere. Also, not gonna lie, foiling a super villain is a great story to tell on a date. You’ll definitely have a valentine next year if you foil a super villain’s plot. Then again, I have foiled several super villain plots and I am dateless this year. Harrumph.
#5 – Drunk Dial Exes
Pretend to be a telemarketer just so they’ll talk to you again. Or just be quiet and listen to them breathe. Better yet, load up Lionel Ritchie’s Hello and press play when your ex answers.
Nothing convinces an ex that they goofed up big time by letting you get away than calling them a bunch of times and having Lionel sing, “Hello…is it me you’re looking for?”
Oh wait. They weren’t looking for you. That’s why they are exes. Scratch this plan. Don’t call your exes. You are better than this.
#4 – Invent a Fake Valentine
Send yourself roses and chocolates at work. Sign the card from “A Secret Admirer” or pick a swarthy name like, “Ricardo Montalban.” Just make sure no one in the office is a fan of Fantasy Island.
You’ll know the swag is from you, but your office co-workers will at least assume someone wants a piece of what you’ve got. Enjoy the compliments all day. Eat the chocolate and cry all night.
#3 – Declare Yourself a Jehovah’s Witness for a Day
All holidays stink because the only one we should be celebrating is Jesus. Why are you idiots celebrating Valentine’s Day when you are too stupid to concentrate on a love related holiday and remember to love Jesus at the same time? Bunch of dummies.
Renounce your new faith on February 15 or what the heck, you could hold onto it until St. Patrick’s Day if you prefer.
#2 – Build a Sex Robot
I took a tour of BQB’s super secret science workshop and between you and me, he has tried to make a whole ton of sex robots. None of them work though. They’re hot robot babes, but all they want to do is wash your hair and give you a pedicure. BQB is the worst robot programmer ever.
#1 – Go to that Place Where That Person Said They’d Meet You
Remember when your old flame said, “If neither of us have found anyone in X number of years, then meet me at such and such monument or famous public place.”
Have X number of years passed yet? Better get over to that place then. Then again, you could just punish that dirtbag for not being with you when he had the chance and stand him up while you watch TV and snuggle with your cat and ice cream carton.
Are you a single person? No, seriously, you probably are if you are reading this blog, but you know, I didn’t want to just insult you by automatically assuming. If you are sans date this year, how will you spend this holiday?
Bookshelf Battle 