Tag Archives: news

Kid Fat Shamed By Santa

Did you hear about the kid that went to see Santa and was told by the Jolly Old Elf to “layoff the cheeseburgers and fries?”

Check out the CNN story for more.

So many things at play here, 3.5 readers.

First of all, isn’t it kind of ironic for Santa to call anyone fat?  That’s the pot calling the kettle black, right?  The man is literally famous for being a super fat fatty.

Really, Santa?  You want to tell a chubby kid to lay off the burgers?  OK.  Howsabout you don’t eat a plate of cookies and drink a glass of milk AT EVERY HOUSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD every Christmas Eve?

Sheesh.

But ok, so this story opened up the can of worms that is the ongoing fat shaming debate.

Here’s my two cents.

It isn’t healthy to be overweight.  However, overweight people should be free to go about their lives without being insulted, name-called, treated like crap.

That’s pretty reasonable.  Like most issues, the debate collapses when both sides huddle to their extreme corners.

On the one hand, you have people who say fat shaming helps fat people so feel free to say nasty things to them and treat them like crap.  It’ll motivate them to lose weight.

Yeah, no.  It’ll just make their lives more difficult and the harder their lives are, the harder it is to lose weight.  If you wouldn’t want someone pointing out your problems every time you step foot out into public, then don’t do it to other people.  Mind your business and stop bothering people.  Pretty simple.

Then on the other side of the debate, you have some people who are fat and they say dumb things like being fat doesn’t cause health problems, its ok, people who don’t find me attractive and don’t want to date me are shitty, whatever.  That’s the other side and that’s equally silly.

Is this kid chubby?  Yes.  Is he still a little kid?  Yes.  Should his parents help him out and get him involved in sports and get him eating right and exercising while he is young and his body can easily bounce back and he’s got the energy to lose weight and build muscle and turn it around so he can live a happy, healthy life?

Yes.

Is that easier said than done?

Yes.

Should a little kid be able to sit on Santa’s lap and not be criticized?

Yes.

Here’s why:  Because this kid probably has no shortage of kids at school who will gladly call him fat and make fun of him, so maybe, just maybe, while his mind is still young and he’s able to still feel a childlike sense of wonder and enthusiasm about the world, he should be able to sit on Santa’s lap and not be told that he’s fat, especially when Santa is also fat.

I mean, come on, being a Rent-a-Santa is like the only job where being fat and having gray hair and a beard gives the candidate a leg up for the position.

In conclusion, my advice to the world:

  • Fatty Haters – keep it to yourself.  If the the portly person is minding his own business, you don’t need to make fun of him.  Don’t be a dick and then try to pass it off as you are a nice guy trying to help him realize he has a problem.  He knows.  It isn’t a matter of him not knowing and needing someone to point it out.  It is a whole perfect storm of DNA, environment, emotions, self-control, addiction and so on.  This person feels bad 24/7, so don’t worry, he’s not going to feel great if you give him a pass on the shitty insult you’ve cooked up in your head.
  • Fat Activists – No, fat people shouldn’t be treated like crap, but don’t put out misinformation and try to convince people that weight issues don’t cause health problems.
  • Santa – You’re fat.  Stop calling kids fat and lay off the cookies.

 

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Amazon’s Checkout Line-Less Grocery Store

Hey 3.5 readers.

Skynet begins!

That’s right.  Amazon has opened up a grocery store without checkout lines, cash registers, employees taking your money or what have you.

The whole thing works with your phone and when you walk out the door, you get charged for whatever food you’ve got with you.  The food items have sensors or something and somehow this damn robot store can tell what food you have taken.

I’m curious how they’d stop shoplifters.  I mean, OK they’ll charge your phone if you have it set up so there’s in that case, even stuffing a bag of Funions down your pants won’t work because you’ll just get charge for those delicious crispy onion treats.

But what if you don’t have the app set up?  I assume Jeff Bezos just sends a team of drones to hunt you down, pick you up by your feet and jingle all the spare change out of your pockets.

It’s very interesting.  I can see some good behind it.  It speeds things up so you don’t have to wait in line.  You can just walk right out the door when you have everything you need.

On the other hand, I do feel bad as this may very well lead to less jobs for grocery store workers.  I know that personally, I have seen more and more stores up the number of self-check out registers in recent years so automation seems to be the trend.

You know what I would love?  If I could just enter all the stuff I want into an app, order it, and then when I show up at the store, someone just hands it to me because they’ve packed it up already.

Come to think of it, there are some stores that do have an online ordering/delivery feature where you can order in line and then they deliver the food to your house.  The downside is you can’t squeeze the melons in the produce section to see if they are ripe or not and I hate to miss out on that because this is the most action I get in life.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  Is this how Skynet begins?

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RIP Florence Henderson

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.

It is a very sad day here for the pop culture fest that is Bookshelf Battle due to the news that Florence Henderson has passed away at the age of 82.

I mean, she lived a full life and got to do great things and lived to an old age but still, she was truly America’s mom.

She played Carol Brady, the mom on the Brady Bunch, then in her post-Brady years, made a career off of cameos where she’d either do something hilariously un-Mrs. Brady-like or would appear as a funny motherly figure or something.

I never heard of some of her other pre-Brady gigs before but the news outlets are reporting she did have a pretty noteworthy Broadway career and spent some time on The Today Show before becoming Alice’s boss.

Oh God, I’m so shaken by this tragic news that I’m going to refrain from asking why did Mrs. Brady need a house keeper if she didn’t have a job.  We all know why. Six kids are a handful and the woman needed assistance. Stop judging, haters.

2016, you dick! How dare you take America’s mom?

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of Brady Bunch clips on the news today, so I’m going to share the Weird Al Yankovic clip where she starred opposite Weird Al in his Amish Paradise video.

What are your favorite Florence Henderson memories, 3.5 readers?

PS thank you the Yeti for letting me out of the cage to write this Florence Henderson report.  It is nice to know that we can put our rivalry aside in dark times like these.

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How Trump Won With Social Media

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

So my usual disclaimer. I’m not going to talk politics or the pros and cons of one side or the other.

This is a nerd blog for nerd things so I want to talk about social media.

I figured a year ago Trump would win based on one thing:

He had way more Facebook likes and Twitter followers than Hillary.

Really. That’s it.

I don’t remember what it was a year ago but his Facebook and Twitter followers were more than hers and as of today he’s got roughly 4 million more Facebook likes than she does (not an exact figure, I am too lazy to do the exact math but it is close.)

I don’t have Mitt Romney and Barack Obama’s figures from 2012 but I’m willing to bet Barack had more than Mitt.

And I believe this is a sign for all political watchers and armchair quarterbacks to consider:

He or she who has the most follows and likes on social media will win.

Yup. That’s how we will one day end up with President Kardashian.

But I digress.

3.5 READERS: Oh but BQB is the number of social media followers a good way to decide an election?

On the face of it, no, but the social media numbers don’t decide the election. They are an early warning sign that the public digs one candidate more than the other.

Think about it.

Social media starts out as a good idea.  You can talk to like your 5 closest friends and family members that you actually want to hear from.

But then to be polite you have to add your third cousin twice removed, your long lost uncle, your pet hamster’s geography teacher’s sister’s yoga instructor.

Before you know it, your Facebook feed is filled with the rantings of tons of asshats saying things you don’t want to hear.

No pet hamster’s geography teacher’s sister’s yoga instructor! I do not give a shit what you ate for lunch today!

Your Facebook feed is valuable virtual real estate in your eyes and you give it away only if you have to.

Ergo, if you really dig a candidate, you’ll click that like so you can get brainwashed by your favorite candidate.

This isn’t a perfect science. I’m not saying someone with less followers will never win but I think that yeah, it does make a win less likely because the candidate with more followers is getting his/her message out to more people.

2008. 2012. 2016.  These are the only three presidential elections where social media was a thing. And in each election (though I’m just guessing via McCain vs. Obama and Romney vs. Obama but I believe I’m right) the person with the most follows and likes won.

That’s my theory.  Don’t get bogged down into the politics. Just talk about the social media science of it all.

Because as I always say, it doesn’t matter what side of the political aisle you are on, the really important thing is that you all love me and you all come together and buy the books I have yet to write if I ever get around to writing and publishing them.

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East Randomtown Election Results 2016 – Smotchenbocker Pulls Off Massive Upset!

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EAST RANDOMTOWN – In a startling upset, Acting Mayor Bookshelf Q. Battler has lost his bid for election to a full term.

“Oh thank God,” Acting Mayor Battler said. “I so did not want to do this anymore. It took so much time away from the task I enjoy the most – blogging for the joy of 3.5 readers.”

Mr. Battler was made Acting Mayor during the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, during which the previous mayor and a previous acting mayor were devoured by zombies.

Surprisingly, Mr. Battler’s opponent, Leo McKoy, famous in town because he alleges that in the 1990s he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, also lost the race.

“What a load of crap,” candidate McKoy said during his interview as Random Bar, East Randomtown’s most popular drinking establishment. “Good job, suck town. You all really screwed the pooch by not voting for yours truly.  Barkeep, another shot.”

It was a very heated campaign.  Mr. Battler alleged that Mr. McKoy was not the actual McKoy but was, in fact, a robot and that the real McKoy was devoured by zombies last year.”

“He’s definitely not the real McKoy,” Mr. Battler said. “Huh. That’s catchy. Kind of wish I’d thought of it before the election ended. Oh well.”

In contrast to Mr. Battler’s allegations, Mr. McKoy claimed that Mr. Battler’s blog sucked donkey butt and that it should be banned because it has caused aliens, zombies, the yeti and other assorted rabble to invade the town.

“Bookshelf Q. Battler is the worst thing to happen to East Randomtown since we parted ways with West Randomtown,” Mr. McKoy said.

Meanwhile, the international fuzzy war criminal known simply as, “The Yeti” won a total of 50 write-in votes.

“GRRR!” The Yeti said. “I should run everything and also eat everyone because they are delicious!”

Shocking all the experts was Harvey Smotchenbocker, who won the race with a write-in campaign of his own. In fact, Mr. Smotchenbocker beat Mr. Battler by two votes.

“I forgot to vote and my dear sweet soulmate Video Game Rack Fighter was too busy playing Car Thief Mayhem to make it to the polls,” Mr. Battler explained. “In fact, she’s been playing the same game for twenty-eight hours with no sleep.  What a trooper.”

Mr. Battler’s 3.5 readers may remember May0r-Elect Smotchenbocker as the Olympian who represented the United States and East Randomtown in the Rio Olympic Games this summer in the 10K Flatulence competition.

“I enjoyed my time on the professional flatulence circuit, but flatulence is a young man’s game,” Mr. Smotchenbocker said. “It’s time for me to hang up my ass and give back to this town that has given me so little even though I am a class act and I pretend like it has given me so much anyway.”

Asked for his agenda, Mr. Smotchenbocker said he would focus on such initiatives as preserving the environment, clean drinking water, law and order, promoting business and economic opportunities, improving the quality of education and investing in infrastructure.

Mr. Battler and Mr. McKoy, bitter rivals to the end, were united in their disgust of Mayor-Elect Smotchenbocker’s agenda.

“So he’s not going to start a potato bar and build a statue of me delivering a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?” McKoy asked.  “Rigged!”

“I agree,” Mr. Battler said. “Smotchenbocker hasn’t even addressed all the leftover zombie carcasses that continue to litter the town.”

When questioned on whether he would support the banishment of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, Mr. Smotchenbocker replied, “I’ve never heard of it. Does anyone read it?”

In other news, Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent Uncle Hardass lost his bid for the presidency to New York Real Estate Mogul/Hair Model Donald J. Trump.

“I concede nothing!” Uncle Hardass said. “I will continue my effort to help Americans find jobs by nagging them incessantly until they find employment just so I will stop yelling at them.”

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Give Each Other a Hug

Dear 3.5 readers,

This long campaign has come to an end.

Go vote, then give someone who voted other than the way you voted a hug.

If you’re a Republican, hug a Democrat.

If you’re a Democrat, hug a Republican.

If you’re a Gary Johnson supporter, finish your weed then hug a Republican and a Democrat.

Everyone hug…but obviously in these difficult times, be sure to get the huggee’s written notarized signed in triplicate permission before you do the hugging.

Never lose sight of what is truly important – helping me in any way you can to make this blog go viral so that I can get super rich and fill BQB HQ with lots of supermodels.

Oh and also democracy. Gotta love democracy.

(Supermodels!)

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OP-ED – I’m Still Convinced that Leo McKoy is a Robot and Also Lying About Delivering a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Acting Mayor of East Randomtown and Mayoral Candidate

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3.5 readers, when the position for East Randomtown Mayor came up for election, I stood up, took a bold stand and said, “Ugh. Well, if there isn’t anyone who isn’t an asshole running then I guess I have to run even though it is a total inconvenience for me and is also as waste of time since everyone in this town is a big dumb dummy dumb face and no one will listen to me and everyone will just do whatever they want anyway.”

That’s the kind of decisive leadership this town needs and that’s the kind of leadership I can provide.

Sure, I  could brag all day about having a blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers, but I’d rather point out two things as this election season draws to a close.

First, whoever is running is not the real Leo McKoy. I saw Leo McKoy get eaten by zombies.  So whoever this is, it must be a robot designed to look like Leo McKoy designed for the sole purpose of some sinister genius to gain control of East Randomtown.

Why would an evil genius do that? I have no idea. East Randomtown really sucks and it isn’t like controlling this garbage dump of a town provides anyone with any strategic advantage, so your guess is as good as mine, but at any rate, there is, as my spirit guide Shakespeare would say, “something rotten in the state of Denmark.”

Second, we only have Leo McKoy’s word that he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.  Sure, if he did deliver that sandwich then that makes him one of, and perhaps the most important, famous, successful and influential people this town has ever produced, because as you know, the standard to be considered a great person in this town is very, very, extremely very low.

But we only have Leo’s word.  Do you think a highly successful James Van Der Beek would bother stepping foot in East Randomtown?

I don’t think so.

People, your only chance for this town to not get sucked into a giant pit of suck (as my motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio would say) is to vote for me, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Or don’t. Honestly, if I lose I’d get more free time that I could use to attract more readers to my blog.  Perhaps I could get as many as 17.9 people reading this thing and then I’d be in the big leagues.

So vote for me but if you don’t its cool because at least I can say I tried.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER THEN YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF BIG DUMB DUMMY DUMB FACE AND THERE ISN’T MUCH MORE BQB CAN DO OR SAY IF YOU’RE ALL HELLBENT ON BEING THAT DUMB.

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East Randomtown Mayor’s Race -Vote for Leo McKoy Because Bookshelf Q. Battler is an Epic Doucheface and His Dumb Blog Should Be Banned Because it Stinks

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Statesman. Barfly. Deliverer of Sandwiches to the Stars. Leo McKoy Needs Your Vote.

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

He thinks he’s a real great hero, what because he saved East Randomtown from a zombie apocalypse.

And sure, he has a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers.

Leo McKoy could pull rank and mention how he once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, the actor who played Dawson on Dawson’s Creek.

But Leo would rather talk about the issues.

FREE POTATO AND FIXINGS BAR

Leo McKoy has been saying it for years. “What? This town doesn’t have a free potato bar? When did I fall asleep and get transported to Communist Russia?”

That’s right. Because the Communist Russians do not have free potato bars because they hate freedom and also potatoes.

If Leo McKoy is elected, he will personally provide over a free potato bar in the town square every Monday or, if Monday is a holiday, then he will hold the potato bar on Tuesday because you shouldn’t expect him to give up his Monday holiday, you ingrates.

Bacon bits. Sour cream. Butter. Chives. Chili. Refried beans. Tabasco sauce. Ketchup. Mustard. Ninety-five different kinds of ice cream. Thousand island dressing. Ranch dressing. Honey mustard.

If you can put it on a potato, then your free town potato bar will have it.

East Randomtownians will never have to put shoes on their hands and gloves on their feet and walk around on their hands as if their hands were feet on Leo McKoy’s watch.

Leo McKoy was the only candidate to pledge that our dear townsfolk will never be subjugated to a law that requires them to wear shoes on their hands and use their hands as their feet and their feet as their hands.

That would be a ridiculous law and Leo McKoy does not care that such a method of walking is required by the town’s bylaws. McKoy will not rest until that bylaw is repealed and East Randomtownians are walking on their feet like honest, God fearing folk.

CATS WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO READ YOUR MINDS

That’s right. If you believe your cat is trying to read your mind, report said feline to Mayor McKoy and your cat will spend the rest of his or her nine lives in cat prison.

Also, Mayor McKoy will expend most of the town’s treasury on the construction of a cat prison.

WE WILL CREATE AN ALL MILF POLICE FORCE

East Randomtown’s police force will be staffed by a bevy of forty year old babes who have given birth yet still managed to keep their shit hella tight and defy gravity.

If you are going to do some shit that’s going to get you arrested, you’ll feel a lot better if you’re hauled in by a MILF.

NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO QUESTION IF MAYOR MCKOY IS A ROBOT

Bookshelf Q. Battler lied when he said he saw McKoy get eaten by zombies. McKoy is not a robot and he is so certain the townsfolk trust him that he will make it illegal to have politicians checked for metal balls.

MONEY WILL NOT BE WASTED ON RIDICULOUS THINGS

A McKoy administration will tighten the town’s belt by doing the following:

  • The East Randomtown Library will be shuttered and bulldozed. No one has stepped foot in it since it was discovered that books steal your souls.
  • All subjects at East Randomtown High School will be cancelled and replaced with one catch all class entitled, “Keeping it Real.” Taught by Mayor McKoy himself, students will learn that math is bullshit, science is a load of crap and no one needs to know what how to read the Englishes good as long as they know how to keep it real.
  • The town dump will be closed. Residents will be encouraged to sweep trash under their beds.  You can always get more trash under your bed so stop complaining.
  • Roads will not be repaved. Everyone is too fat and will be required to walk everywhere. Seriously, people. Look at yourselves. Even Mayor McKoy wouldn’t make a pass at you, that’s how fat you all are.

A STATUTE OF JAMES AND LEO

That’s right. A solid gold statute will be built to memorialize the glorious time when Leo McKoy delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

BAN THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG

You know with all the zombie attacks, and the yeti always going on a tear, and the space aliens always parking their ships on our front lawns and probing people in unflattering places, life sure isn’t easy in East Randomtown.

But has anyone noticed that life got worse around the same time Bookshelf Q. Battler started his stupid blog?

BQB’s blog is a magnet that pulls every last supernatural asshole in the universe to our humble town.

Thus, when Leo McKoy is elected, he will shut down BQB’s entire operation.  All the weirdo monsters that keep descending on our town will get lost and BQB’s 3.5 readers will never be entertained again.

CONCLUSION

A lot of people talk about delivering a sandwich to a 1990s teen heart throb but Leo McKoy was the only man with the guts to actually do it.

Did you do it? No? Then shut your suck hole and be a man and vote for Leo McKoy, because he’ll stop BQB and his dumb blog from destroying our lousy ass town.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A STUPID DOUCHEFACE WHOSE BLOG SHOULD BE SHUT DOWN SO VOTE FOR LEO MCKOY OR EVERYTHING BAD THAT HAPPENS IN THIS TOWN IS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE HE TRIED TO WARN YOU

 

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I was touched inappropriately by Hillary Clinton And Donald trump

3.5 readers while everyone is telling their stories I figured I would finally tell mine.

Hillary Clinton touched my hiney.

The year was 1998. Smashing Pumpkins were all the rage and neon clothing was in.

Why was it ever out? A question for another day.

There I was, wearing my multicolored 8 ball jacket, walking down the street, minding my own business.

I’d been listening to Bell Biv Devoe on my CD Walkman for hours and felt it was time to switch things up to Salt N Pepa.

Alas, I dropped my CD holder. The CDs scattered everywhere. 

And then, as I bent over to pick up my CDs, I felt it – the First Lady’s hand all over my firm, supple buttocks.

“Mmm yummy!” the former FLOTUS said. “Mama likey!”

“Oh my God!” I cried. “First Lady of the United States Hillary Clinton! Did you just touch my derrière?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that I touched the alleged hiney in question,” Hillary said. “And youse better not talk to no one about it if you know what’s good for you, see?”

Hillary, who sounded like a 1930s gangster, ran off into the night and left me with my shame.

I dropped to my knees and shouted to the stars, “Why God? Why? Why have you sentenced me to a lifetime of agony due to having my ass touched by the most powerful woman in the world? Could this day get any worse?”

And so I laid there in the street for awhile until a limo pulled up and a man stepped out.

The suit. The hair.

“What’s this whack job doing in the middle of the road?” the Donald said. “I’m Donald J. Trump and I’m on my way to a very important business meeting which I assure you will be very classy and very fantastic. No one holds a better business meeting than I do, OK? I hold them better than they do in China, that’s for sure.”

“Oh,” I said. “Sorry Mr Trump. I was just a bit hysterical because Hillary Clinton just touched my ass.”

“The Hillary Clinton?” Donald asked. “She and her husband are good friends of mine. Excellent friends. I cut checks to them all the time. I’m sure we’ll be friends forever and speaking of Friends, that show is still on the air because it’s the 90s. Ross will never get with Rachel, that much I can tell you. Ross is a loser. He really is. Very low energy.”

“I’ll get out of your way,” I said.

But before I could, I felt the smallest hand ever on my rump.

“This does absolutely nothing for me, just so you know,” Trump said. “Worst hiney I’ve ever touched, ok? You really need to start working out big league.”

I walked away but remained very sad and depressed for the rest of my life. In fact at the time I was about to become the world’s first guitar playing astronaut but the mental pain was so much I had to settle for starting a blog with only 3.5 readers.

Also, my attorney advises me to say this is all just a joke, not true, and never happened.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Are Trump and Hillary in love?

Look, I’m just going to say it.

All that tension at the second presidential debate was because Trump and Hillary are in love.

Hillary is tired of Bill running around on her and wants a man with gravity defying hair.

Trump yearns to get all up in that sweet ass pantsuit.

They’re fighting over this and that but really its all just to mask the fact that they want to bone.

Could be speculation but I don’t know.

And further, I don’t even want to speculate what it would sound like.

You know what? I won’t speculate about it because it would decrease the dignity of this fine blog.

TRUMP: Oh yeah…oh yeah…this YUGE!  Thanks to me, Donald J. Trump, your bed is going to experience the highest ratings it has ever seen. You’re welcome.

HILLARY: Oh Donald! Hit that delete key, my chia headed stallion! Hit that delete key hard!

TRUMP: This is so classy. Really, its so fantastic. We’re gonna go at it big league!

HILLARY: Hold on.  I have to take off my pantsuit and then the three other pantsuits underneath my pantsuit.  Ugh, wait, I need my walker…

Hmmm.  Oh well. It’s a good thing only 3.5 people read this.

Look, that’s just a hypothetical recreation of what a Trump/Hillary rendezvous would sound like.

And who knows? Maybe if they were to get together, maybe the country would benefit.

What say you, 3.5? Are the Donald and Hillary secretly in love?

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