Tag Archives: top ten lists

Apr 30 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Reasons Why It Would Be Awesome to Have a Pet T-Rex

Ahh, the T-Rex.  The Thunder Lizard.  The King of All Dinosaurs.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to have one as a pet?

Sure would be.

From BQB HQ in East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why it Would Be Awesome to Have a Tyrannosaurus Rex as a Pet:

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#10 – You Can Feed Your Enemies to Him

Generally, I recommend that you don’t have enemies.  If you consider someone an enemy, just stay away from this person or if possible, make up.

However, if this person comes at you, then I see no reason why he can’t become a T-Rex treat.

Remember the law though.  You can only feed someone to your T-Rex in self-defense.  You can’t just go feeding people to your T-Rex willy nilly.

#9 – He Can Drop Giant T-Rex Poops On Your Enemies’ Lawns

This would be a more acceptable form of revenge though you might be helping your enemies to fertilize their lawns.

#8 – You Can Ride Him Like a Giant Pony

I’d recommend bonding with the T-Rex first though.  Otherwise, he might eat you.  Honestly, he might eat you anyway.  T-Rexes are notorious butt holes like that.

#7 – Solve All Your Rodent Problems

You think a rat is going to come on your property with a T-Rex watchdog?

#6 – Perfect Home Security System

Similar to #7, do you think a burglar is going to come on your property with a T-Rex watchdog?

#4 – Scare Away Bill Collectors, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Salesmen, Solicitors and Unwanted Relatives

See #6 and #7.

#3 – You Can Call Him Rexy

Best name for a pet ever.

#2 – Best Alarm Clock Ever

You’ll never sleep through a 6 AM wake up roar.  Never be late to work again!

#1 – Everyone Will Be Totally Jealous

See reasons #2-10

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • They have tiny arms!
  • They eat lawyers on toilets!
  • They have bad eyesight, so you can flip them off when they are naughty, but just don’t make any sudden movements as they can see movement.  I’m an expert because I saw Jurassic Park.
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Apr 16 2017
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In Case You Missed It...

In Case You Missed It – Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Romance Movie Fan

Oh Hollywood.  You’re always making men look so much better than we are, thus letting women down whenever we fart or burp or do something that doesn’t live up to your ultra high standards.

Is your girlfriend way too addicted to Romance Movies?  Check this fabulous list to be sure.

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Apr 15 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy

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Ahh, Easter.  That wondrous holiday where Christians celebrate the glorious resurrection of their lord and savior, Jesus Christ…by finding colorful eggs hidden by an anthropomorphic bunny rabbit.  Additional activities include eating a lot of food and finding baskets full of candy, which is also eaten…almost immediately.

Candy is the name of the game with this post, 3.5 readers.  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy:

#10 – Orange Jelly Beans

All other jelly beans stink compared to the orange ones.  Why do they even make black licorice jelly beans?  Who is the asshat that steal eats those?  Someone must be or they’d stop making them.

Sure, cherry or lemon or other types of fruity beans will do.  Jelly Belly makes some fine gourmet jelly beans.  I’m a fan of their buttered popcorn and toasted coconut beans.  But when it comes to maximum deliciousness, it’s orange all the way.

Seriously.  Handing me a black licorice jelly bean and telling me it is just as good as an orange jelly bean is like handing me Lena Dunham while she’s eating cake on the toilet and telling me she’s just as hot as Megan Fox.

Was that a mean, rude and insensitive comment?  Probably.  But that’s how much I love orange jelly beans.  Give me one of those plastic bags shaped like a bunny’s carrot where the orange beans turn the carrot orange and I’m good for the day.

#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Eggs

You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!  You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!

Who cares?  Delicious and nutritious (although probably not really) I say.

I like to bite the chocolate off of the peanut butter and then eat the peanut butter after the chocolate has been bitten off.  It just seems like a fun thing to do, although now that I think about it, it’s probably a blow to chocolate/peanut butter desegregation.  These two flavors really deserve to mix together in my mouth and be happy.

#8 – Cadbury Mini Eggs 

Mmm.  Sweet chocolates on the inside.  Sweet candy shell on the outside.  They’re like cocaine to me.  If they sold them all year round I’d be a diabetic by now.  Kids, lay off the candy, that’s some shit you don’t want.  Adults, it’s not too late for you.  Lay off that shit too.

#7 – Cadbury Creme Eggs

Speaking of diabetes, is there anything sweeter than the cream inside a Cadbury Creme Egg?

Personally, I always bite the chocolate top off of one of these bad boys, then I’ll get my tongue up that…well, that makeshift hole and start licking and slurping until all that creme is gone and…wait….are we still talking about candy?

#6 – Whoppers Robin Eggs

Malt.  It’s kind of an old fashioned flavor.  Don’t believe me?  Ask someone who was alive in the 1950s if they ever visited a “malt shoppe.”  But Whoppers never gave up on the malty goodness.  I prefer to suck on these delicious chocolatey malt balls (yes, I know how that sounds) and let the malt seep into my tongue until it pickles.

#5 – Russell Stover Easter Eggs

When you’re done performing cunnilingus on that Cadbury Creme Egg (you know you will now that I suggested to it you if you weren’t doing it before), it’s time to graduate to the Russell Stover eggs.

That Russell Stover does some good shit with chocolate eggs, let me tell you.  Creme, marshmallow, you name it.

#4 – Starburst Jelly Beans

While I still maintain that all jelly beans should be orange and only orange, if you can’t get your hands on any orange beans, or jelly bellies, then Starburst beans are pretty fruity and flavorful.  They’ve put many pounds on my butt over the years.  Also, not a single black licorice in the bunch.

#3 – Hershey’s Carrot Cake Kisses

You know, I could be engaging in candy rating malpractice, largely because I’ve never had one of these before.  They are new, but people tell me they are orgasmic and to die for.  This surprises me because I feel like carrot cake is ok.  I mean, I’ll eat it if it’s there but I’ve never been like, “OMG I have a carrot cake craving and I must have it!”  Still, many people have given these high marks, so I’ll add them to the list.

Have you had one?  Tell me what you think.

#2 – Peeps 

Yummy marshmallow inside.  Delicious sugary coating on the outside.  Get the bunnies and bite scores of ears off, or get the chicks and behead them with your teeth.  Yes, you get your jollies off by torturing candy animals, don’t you, you big weirdo?

#1 – Chocolate Bunnies

Speaking of torturing candy animals, is there a candy animal that is abused more than the chocolate bunny?

Seriously.  What do you bite off first?  The ears, of course.  Yes…bite those ears off, so that little hollow rascal can’t hear you as you laugh and laugh at his pain, as you guffaw and chuckle at his helpless state!

Not that I’ve thought this through.  Ears, face, butt.  That’s how I eat a chocolate bunny.  How about you?

Your Favorite Candy

Did I fail to talk about the horrible things I would do to your favorite Easter candy?  Tell me in the comments.

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Apr 09 2017
6 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Butt Might Have Been Probed By Aliens

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Someone’s going to be walking funny tomorrow.

Ahh, aliens.  Those intergalactic science perverts really do a number on the human heiney don’t they?

What exactly are little green men hoping to discover by shoving their high tech, state of the art devices up human butts?  Your guess is as good as mine.  At any rate, it’s not like these space weirdoes will leave you a calling card, so if you want to know whether or not your cheeks have been parted in the name of space science, you better consult this fine list.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Have Been Probed By Aliens

#10 – Your Butt Hurts

In theory, this could be due to a number of reasons, including by not limited to:

  • You’re wiping too hard and giving yourself hemorrhoids.
  • You ate an extra large batch of nacho chili cheese fries with extra hot sauce.  That’ll make the old tooter play a symphony for weeks, so get used to the discomfort.
  • You sat on a sharp object.
  • Brazilian wax.
  • Anal bleaching.
  • Someone kicked it.
  • A hobo had his way with you while you were sleeping.  That’ll teach you to fall asleep near a set of train tracks without a chastity belt.

However, if you’ve engaged in none of these activities then yes, it is highly possible that an alien shoved a carefully calibrated human nervous system mapping projectile up your poop chute.  I loathe being the one to have to break this unsettling news to you.

#2 – You’re a Drunken Redneck

According to the Fake Institute for Bogus Statistics, Southerners have a 97% higher chance of being butt probed by aliens than the rest of the population.  Add too much alcohol into the equation and you’re destined for an intergalactic butt inspection.

Why?  Call it discrimination.  Call it bias.  Call it what you will but whenever Jimmy Bob Bo Jim Jack gets on TV with his best trucker hat and “Honk if You Like Big Titties” shirt with the arms cut off and starts railing about the aliens that abducted him so they could have their way with his butt, people just start laughing and assume it’s the booze talking. Aliens know this and they take full advantage of it to avoid being caught.

Sure, the aliens could abduct and butt probe a boozy Manhattanite, but they’re all so uptight that their instruments usually just snap between their firmly clenched cheeks.

#3 –  You Remember Feeling as Thought Multiple People Were Touching You While You Were Asleep but Were Too Tired to Wake Up and Do Anything About It

Maybe you were abducted and butt probed by aliens.  Maybe you’re just the average, run of the mill college student.  The world may never know.

#4 – Your Butt is Pregnant

You didn’t even have sex.  Even more shocking…you’re a man!  Congratulations!  In nine months, you’ll be the proud father of the spawn that alien scientists inserted up your butt.

#5 – They Left the Probe in Your Butt

Look, not every alien scientist is the intergalactic equivalent of Steven Hawking.  Some are lazy.  Incompetent.  Inept.  Some have questionable credentials.  Some got their science diplomas through space mail.  Some have even been known to leave a probe sticking up the butt of a test subject, much like a meat thermometer stuck in the anal cavity of a Thanksgiving turkey.

At least the turkey gets warm, moist, herb seasoned stuffing shoved up there.  By the way, if you find any stuffing up your butt, then maybe you weren’t probed.  Maybe someone tried to eat you but changed his mind after deciding you don’t taste good.

#6 – Your Butt Hurts Twice in One Year

Maybe you didn’t learn your lesson about the nacho chili cheese fries with extra hot sauce earlier.  Maybe the aliens came back to get a second reading.  Again, the world may never know.

#7 – Your Farts Sound Like Electronic Codes

A sure sign that aliens probed you and left behind a microchip that allows your butt to communicate with the mother ship.

#8 – The Aliens Left Behind a Pamphlet

Some of the more considerate aliens have been known to leave behind a pamphlet on the nightstand of their test subjects.  It usually reads something like, “So You’ve Been Probed Up the Butt in the Name of Space Science.”  Topics include, “It Wasn’t Your Fault” and “Be Proud of the Many Scientific Breakthroughs that Will Occur Thanks to Your Butt Probe.”

#9 – Video Of the Inside of Your Butt Has Appeared on Cable

Not gonna lie.  Some aliens sell their probing videos to the highest bidder.  Somewhere amongst the thousands of cable channels out there, in depth footage of your Hershey Highway might being aired right now.  Boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

#10 – Your Butt Glows in the Dark

Some probes include a homing beacon that will flash, thus allowing the mother ship to spot your butt from space.  And you thought your butt was only visible from space because you got off your diet, didn’t you?

PARTING ADVICE

Equip your butt with a loud, obnoxious alarm.  Hire armed guards to protect your butt as you sleep.  Never lie down without putting on a pair of iron underpants secured with a sturdy padlock.  Break the key in four pieces and leave each piece in one of the world’s four hemispheres.  Really, people.  This is just common sense.  Protect your butt!

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Mar 30 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Reasons Why You Need a Mustache

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Ahh, the mustache.  They were all the rage in the 1980s.  Imagine the thought process.  “Sure, I’ll shave my cheeks and chin but damn it, my upper lip must be clothed in manly hair!”

Nowadays you have a better chance finding a public pay phone than you do a dude with lip fur.  That’s lame, says I.  I’m bringing back the ‘stache.  Who’s with me?

From Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why You Need a Mustache:

#10 – You can be like Magnum P.I.  Tom Selleck, or his alter ego Magnum, was never without poon.  1980s women digged hair so much they wanted to see it on their man’s lip while he was talking to them.

#9 – Keeps your lip warm.  You want a frostbitten lip?  Fine, then shave.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

#8 – “Free Mustache Rides!”  I’ve never tried that line on a lady, but I have no reason to believe a lady would find that to be not amusing.  (The Bookshelf Battle Blog is not responsible if you try this line on a lady who finds it not amusing.)

#7 – They make you look smarter.  It’s like you spend so much time studying you don’t have time to shave your lip.

#6 – You can get a mustache comb, the greatest of all combs.

#5 – You can wax it.  Who doesn’t want to wax their facial hair?

#4 – You can curl it at the ends.  Just don’t tie a damsel in distress to the train tracks a la Snidely Whiplash.  That is frowned upon.  Also illegal and uncool, bro.

#3 – Your face is too cool to hide behind a beard, but your lip needs a little something.

#2 – Because you can grown one, so why not?

#1 – Nothing says, “I’M A MAN!” like a good mustache.

 

 

 

 

 

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Mar 13 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mime

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Ah, mimery.  Truly, the worst of all art forms, ranking even lower than bedazzling.

What is a mime anyway?  A mime is a French clown except without the horn to honk, or the balloon animals or the big red nose.  He’s just quiet and just pretends to do whatever he is doing rather than actually do it, kind of like how I pretend to write a professional blog.

Could you be dating a mime?  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mime:

#10 – Wins all fights by pretending to be trapped inside an invisible box.  If you demand that he comes out to face you, he just pounds on the air as if it is a barrier.  If you yell at him, he just points to his ear and acts confused, like he can’t hear you.

#9 – Plays on your sympathies by putting his hands up to his eyes and pretending like he’s crying.

#8 – So much white pancake makeup left on the pillow.

#7 – Draws happy and/or sad faces over his face to reflect his mood.

#6 – Broke character once and said something.  Report him to the International Association of Mime Standards.

#5 – You think he goes to work everyday, but he just stands in the middle of the living room, pretending to bang an invisible nail into an invisible board with an invisible hammer.

#4 – He got in a fight with invisible muggers once.  He tried to protect himself.  He pretended to put up his dukes, but ended up getting his ass kicked by an invisible foot.

#3 – He’s cheap to feed.  He just sits at the table and pretends to eat an invisible meal with invisible cutlery.

#2 – Acts surprised over everything, usually by opening his eyes and mouth wide.

#1 – You came home early one day and caught him in bed humping the air.  You are now baffled.  I mean, he was humping the air, so there was nothing there, but then again, if he is a mime, and he was pretending to hump an invisible woman, then he was totally cheating on you.  Mimes are such jerks.

 

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Mar 06 2017
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Video Game Rack Fighter

Video Game Rack Fighter Lives!!! (Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  The illustrious Video Game Rack Fighter has taken a rare break from playing Car Thief Mayhem to read one of my infamous top ten lists.  A big step for her to go public with a video for as you know, the inhabitants of Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters are usually much too busy fighting for truth, justice, against evil and for hilarious jokes or at the very least, jokes that I find funny because at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.

From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here’s Video Game Rack Fighter (and furry friend) to give you the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady:

3.5 READERS: BQB, that looks a lot like the spokesperson you hired last week to sing your blog’s praises.

That’s a ludicrous accusation, 3.5 readers.  Stayingvintage is way too busy fielding spokesperson requests on Fiverr.com to bother with my trivial tomfoolery.

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady

#10 – Wherever she goes and whatever she sets out to do, she never fails to come home with an extra cat. Trip to the store for milk? New cat. Dentist appointment? New cat. Went to the movies? New cat. Westminster Dog Show? New cat.

#9 – No matter what you do in the house, you run the risk of a cat falling and landing on your head. Open the cupboard for your breakfast cereal? Cat lands on your head. Open the closet to change your shirt? Cat lands on your head. Open the desk drawer to find a pen? A cat jumps into the air then lands on your head.

#8 – You went to the doctor for a bad cough. X-rays indicate your lungs are 90% cat hair.

#7 – You buy those pet hair rollers with extra stickiness by the case.

#6- You’ve become skilled at the 10-K hairball barf dash. Whenever you hear a cat making barf sounds, you automatically pick it up and run it outside before it can puke all over the rug.

#5 – What am I saying? Your girlfriend is a crazy cat lady. You gave up on the rug years ago. That rug is 5% carpet fiber and 95% puke now.

#4 – You have enough litter boxes in the basement to create your own desert.

#3 – And for some reason, even though your girlfriend was the one who wanted all the cats in the first place, you’re the one who is always cleaning up the litter boxes because…I don’t know…women’s rights or something.

#2 – The cats take turns sleeping on your face. Your girlfriend says its because the cats love you but you’re pretty sure they’re just trying to use their pillow like bodies to smother you in their sleep.

#1 – You heard that President Trump was interested in grabbing pussies so you’re sitting by your phone, waiting for that call from the White House, hoping that he’ll stop by and grab all of yours…because you can’t stand living with so many cats anymore!

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Feb 09 2017
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Uncategorized

Top Ten Most Embarrassing Entries in BQB’s Private Journal

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Hey 3.5 readers.  Video Game Rack Fighter here, still angry with BQB for his douche-tastic behavior.

In fact, after being awarded BQB HQ, Bookshelf Battle Dog, 99.99% of BQB’s Beige Corp. paychecks and BQB’s action figure collection in the divorce, it dawns on me that BQB got out of this pretty easy if you ask me.

Therefore, from BQB HQ (technically, VGRF HQ now) in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Most Embarrassing Entries in BQB’s Private Journal.

Sidenote: if you get kicked out of your headquarters, be sure to take your private journal with you.

#10 –  I Can’t Get Enough of the Ketchup Girls

“Goddamn it.  I can’t get enough of the Ketchup Girls.  There were like the latina Spice Girls of my generation and they should really come out with more songs.  I have no idea what they are saying but they sure know how to make me shake my wonderful, apple shaped heinie.”

#9 – Buffy Fan Fiction is Way Better than Firefly Fan Fiction

“Got into a ten hour long debate on the nerd boards with some loser who thought that writing Firefly fan fiction is better than writing Buffy fan fiction.  What an idiot.  Everyone knows that my story about how Buffy and Faith get into a fight over me while I convert Willow from lesbianism with my machismo is the best piece of fan fiction ever written.”

#8 – Jaleel White Needs a Comeback

“I’ll never understand why Jaleel White isn’t raking in the Oscars left and right.  Sure, he played Urkel on Family Matters but he was so much more talented and versatile than that.  I wish Jaleel White would make a thousand movies so I could just watch them all day long.”

#7 – I Don’t Think My 3.5 Readers Really Love Me

“My 3.5 readers seem like they’re just phoning it in these days.  I wonder if they are cheating on me and reading other blogs behind my back.  Is it me?  Am I not pretty enough?  Should I try harder?  Maybe if I wore skinny jeans.  Sigh.  I love my 3.5 readers but sometimes I wish I had never started a blog in the first place.  It isn’t easy keeping the attention of 3.5 readers.”

#6 – The 2000s Suck

“I miss the 1990s.  I really do.  I feel like pop culture peaked in 1999 and it’s all been a downward spiral of crap ever since.  I wish I could live in an alternative universe where the Spice Girls, Nirvana and Gwen Stefani play on a continuous loop, dressing like a lumberjack is considered fashionable and the news stories are constantly about the latest broad that Bill Clinton boned.  This is the last time period I can remember where I felt like the world was a safe place.  It was all a downhill shit storm after that.”

#5 – Face/Off is the Best Movie Ever Made

“Face/Off was the best movie ever made about two men who trade faces using highly experimental face trading surgery.  John Travolta becomes Nicolas Cage and Cage becomes Travolta.  Awesome.  The only thing I didn’t understand was why did Travolta have the weight put back on when he traded Cage’s face for his own at the end.”

#4 – My Farts Frighten Me

“It was very quiet in BQB HQ.  So quiet you could have heard a proverbial pin drop.  Suddenly, I farted and the unexpected noise made me leap out of my chair.  I thought BQB HQ was under attack by an entire battalion of renegade troops until I finally realized the noise was coming from my butt.”

#3 – Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog is the Best Dog Ever

“Oh Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog, you are the best dog ever.  You are my furry friend for life.  I wish I could sit with you forever and braid your fur and just let all of the problems of the outside world just float away.”

#2 – The Yeti Isn’t So Bad

“Once in a blue moon, I admit to myself that the Yeti isn’t so bad.  He’s an epic butt face and wrong about everything, but he believes he is right and people and/or hairy beings who believe in something, anything at all, are a rarity these days.  I just hope he doesn’t find out I said this or else he will think we are friends or something.  I don’t want that to happen as I continue to despise yetis and all that yetis stand for.”

#1 – I Want to Create an Army of Super Strong Warrior Women to Protect Me

“Lucy Lawless aka Xena: Warrior Princess. Ronda Rousey.  Gina Carano.  I want to create an army of super hot MMA/Wrestling/Action Movie babes who will defend BQB HQ by day and then beat me senseless with their incredibly muscular vaginas at night.  I think Video Game Rack Fighter would be cool with it.  I would put her in charge of this army as I don’t know anyone else who has a more muscular vagina.  I mean, she can crack walnuts with that thing.  She’s really been going to town on the old kegel exercises lately.”

VGRF’S EDITORIAL NOTE:  OK, that last one was sweet, BQB.  But it doesn’t matter.  You will never get your blog back.  It is mine forever.

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Feb 03 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Pieces of Investment Advice

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Ahh, money.  It makes the world go round, doesn’t it?  You know they say money can’t buy love, but if you ask me, those losers have never tried it.

Love it or hate it, you’ve got to have a base line amount of it to make a go of it in this world.

Stocks?  Schmocks.  Savings?  Schmavings.  There are plenty of investment advice blogs out there, written by, you know, people with investment credentials and shit.

My advice will get you absolutely nowhere fast and my lawyer urges that you not follow it at all.

Stupid lawyers.  Always the buzzkill.

Anyway, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, MA, here are BQB’s Top Ten Pieces of Investment Advice:

#10 – Buried Treasure

Withdraw your cash, stick it in a tin box, wrap it in plastic wrap and bury it in the backyard.  If the worms, gophers and weather don’t destroy it, you’ll have a fun time digging the shit out of your yard when you do actually need it.  Don’t forget to draw yourself a map that you won’t understand in the future and/or will most likely lose anyway.

#9 – Electronics

Stock up on cell phones, computers, etc.  They aren’t making any more of that shit.  It’s not like they aren’t coming out with a new updated version of your phone every three months.  Oh, wait.  They are?  Sorry.  You are the owner of a crate full of useless phones now.

#8 – Gold!

That crusty old bastard William Devane is always telling me to buy gold in those TV commercials and damn it, if you can’t trust a man who played the president in a season of 24 as well as The Dark Knight Rises then who can you trust?  Eh, in theory, and I’m totally spouting shit out of my ass here, a little bit of gold in your safe might not be a terrible idea.  I’m sure super rich actors, celebrities and politicians all have a bunch of frigging gold bars stored somewhere in case the economy collapses and chaos reigns supreme.  My gut tells me not to buy more than I can afford to lose though because, you know, there are thieves about and I have so much to do that I don’t have enough time to sit around BQB HQ with a shotgun just to ward off gold thieves.

#7 – Pez

I believe Nerdstradamus when he says that Pez will be the currency of the future.  Buy up all the little candy bricks and cartoon dispensers you can so you can be rich as all get out in the future.

#6 – Time Shares

It’s a home that you own for a week a year!  What could possibly go wrong?

#5 – Join a Tontine

It’s simple.  You and your friends put all of your money in a big concrete box and bury it or hide it somewhere.  Then, you all live your lives and the last one who dies gets the money.  Just, you know, don’t be a dick and kill all your friends.  And don’t join up with friends who are dicks.  You know what? Just don’t do this.

#4 – IOUs

Every time you buy something extravagant that you don’t really need, write an IOU to your future self.  Don’t worry.  You’re good for it.

(SPOILER ALERT:  You’re not good for it).

#3 – Loan Sharking

The good news?  You can “help” people by lending them money with usurious, ridiculously high interest rates attached.

The bad news?  A) It’s illegal and B) You’re going to have to break some legs.  You don’t want to break legs.  You’re too nice and also it makes a terrible mess.  My lawyer and I don’t advise you to do this at all.

#2 – Farts in Jars

In the future, man will evolve into a butt-less species.  Thus, you should shoot every toot into a jar and store those jars in your basement so that one day, when a butt-less society becomes nostalgic for fart smells, you can clean up.

Note that if this does not happen before you grow old and die, the grandchildren you leave behind to clean up your house will think you were insane.

#1 – Wise, Prudent, Solid and Cautions Savings and Investing Plans

Invest wisely in solid, reputable mutual funds, savings accounts, IRAs and so on.  Seek the advice of competent investment professionals.

I mean, you could do all that shit but will that be as fun as going on a treasure hunt and/or farting in jars?  I think not.

REPEAT:  My lawyer and I urge you to not waste your money doing any of the horrible things mentioned in this ridiculous blog post.  Really, you should be ashamed of yourself for even reading it.

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Feb 02 2017
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top ten lists, Uncategorized

Top Ten Reasons Why Your Breath Stinks

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Ahh, the face hole – the best and the worst of human body cavities.  It lets us talk and eat, but at times, it can also smell like a butt, aka the worst of body cavities.

Does your breath stink?  I’m not a dentist but I play one on this blog.  From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Your Breath Stinks:

#10 – Throat Gremlins

Sad, but true, tiny creatures have been known to set up shop in a human throat and party hearty.  Soon, they start to stink and that stink comes out of your pie hole.  Ten out of ten scientists who attended science school in Barbados will agree with me on this.

#9 – Demonic Possession

It happens.  You’re taking a nap, minding you business and without realizing it, a damn demon has set up shop in your body.  It makes you scream, swear, belch, fart, projectile vomit on everyone, it’s a whole mess.  Even worse, they make your breath stink.  Consult your local Catholic priest for assistance.

#8 – A Small Animal Crawled Into Your Mouth and Died

People often say, “Yeesh!  What crawled into your mouth and died?” to a person with stank breath.  Little do these people know that this often happens.  Mice, rats, bats, porcupines, armadillos, frogs, lizards.  It doesn’t even have to me a small animal.  I knew a dude who once fell asleep and a damn emu crawled into his mouth and bought the farm.  Always post signs around your sleeping area to notify animals on their last legs to go find another mouth to crawl into and die in because yours is off limits.

#7 – Oniony, Garlicky Foods

Truly, a Sophie’s choice.  Do I want to eat something delicious or do I want to avoid stink breath?  Eh, just be honest.  If you look like a butt, then you might as well eat something delicious and smell like a butt.  Having minty fresh breath won’t make you look less like a butt.

#6 – Butt Pranks

If you’re a member of a frat, chances are one of your frat brothers has placed a butt on your face while you are sleeping.  Remember, always lock your door and wear a catcher’s mask while sleeping to avoid butt pranks.  We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog do not condone butt pranks or any other type of inappropriate butt related behavior of a butt like nature.

#5 – You Licked the Toilet Seat Again, Didn’t You?

How many times must I tell you to stop doing that?  Bad reader.  Bad, bad!  Get some help.

#4 – You Don’t Brush

There’s no magic cure for weight loss or to fix a variety of health problems, but sticking that brush in your face hole and wiggling it around for a while a few times a day can do wonders for your tooth health.  Take advantage of one of the few things that people can do to improve there lives that actually works.

#3 – You Don’t Floss

Your job isn’t done after brushing.  Brushing doesn’t get all the shit left between your teeth.  One time I didn’t floss my teeth for an entire year and learned that in the interim, the mob had started using the spaces between my choppers as a dumping ground for whacked snitches.  When I finally began flossing again, each time I’d stick the floss between my teeth and boom!  Hey, it’s Vinny Boombotz!  :::Floss::: Hey! It’s Mickey the Squirrel!  :::Floss:::  Oh my God, it’s Sal the Tuna!

#2 – You Don’t Use Mouth Wash

Brush, floss, then finish up the trifecta.  Get mouthwash.  The stronger the better.  I prefer Listerine.  Don’t just do one swish and spit it out.  Let it sit there in your mouth as you imagine the mouthwash molecules all look like a young Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now.  Picture each molecule as a helicopter pilot coming in to drop minty fresh napalm on all of the germs in your suck hole.  “Oh, how I love the smell of minty fresh napalm in the morning.”

Um…if one of my 3.5 readers is Vietnamese I apologize for that metaphor.  I didn’t even write it.  It was the Yeti.

#1 – You Never See the Dentist

I know.  No one enjoys going to see the dentist.  But these fine tooth doctors can clean up your choppers, shine them up good and help you combat any suck hole related problems you may be suffering from.  Stop avoiding your dentist.  Your suck hole will thank you, as will the people who have to breathe the air in the vicinity of your suck hole.

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