Monthly Archives: February 2015

Feb 15 2015
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One a Day Post Challenge

State of Bookshelf Battle’s One Post a Day Challenge

Good Day, Bookshelf Battlers.

I am Bookshelf Q. Battler and I am now a month and a half into the challenge I have issued to myself, namely, to post once a day for the year of 2015.

It has been a grueling challenge, but well worth it, as it brings smiles to the faces of my 3.5 regular readers.

I will now take your questions.

QUESTION:  What are the rules of this challenge?

ANSWER:  If you are new to this blog and thinking about becoming my fourth regular reader, the rules can be found here.

QUESTION:  Are you just an a-hole shouting into the wind?

ANSWER:  Indeed I am…and a proud one at that.

QUESTION:  This reminds me of that scene in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, where Mr. Smith filibusters on the floor of the senate, except Jimmy Stewart had more charisma.

ANSWER:  I think Jimmy Stewart was a fantastic actor.  However, he lived in a time where you’d go knock on Hollywood’s door and say, “Hey Hollywood!  I’d like to work in the entertainment industry please!”  and Hollywood was all like, “Sure, come on in!”

QUESTION:  It wasn’t really that easy even back then.

ANSWER:  No, it wasn’t.  And we even have amazing technology today that allows the common man to make his voice heard.  The problem (perhaps ‘problem’ is not the best word) – the issue is that a whole helluvalot of people are using that technology to make their voices heard.

QUESTION:  So this challenge is your way of trying to scream louder than the a-hole next to you?

ANSWER:  Maybe.

QUESTION:  Have you seen any results?

ANSWER:  Since Christmas, I’ve gained over a thousand twitter followers for @bookshelfbattle – If you aren’t following it, I challenge your nerd street cred.  Visitors to the site are increasing and a Google + site for the blog is going swimmingly.  Join that too if you’re a Googler.

QUESTION:  Has anyone tried to stop you from posting once a day?

ANSWER:  Yes.  The forces of evil do not like this blog.  They don’t want this much awesomeness being brought into people’s blog feeds.  Thus far, they have sent ninjas, aliens, bears, and asteroids after me.

QUESTION:  Have they really?

ANSWER:  I’m typing with my left hand and punching a werewolf sent to stop my blog with my right hand as we speak.  I am a skilled mult-tasker.

QUESTION:  You say odd things, like what you just said about a werewolf.

ANSWER:  I have an odd sense of humor.  Half of the people out there will get it and join in on the fun.  The other half will think I’m an idiot who believes in werewolves.

QUESTION:  You don’t believe in werewolves?

ANSWER:  Um, hello!  I just told you I’m fighting one!

QUESTION:  Surely a werewolf will stop you from blogging.

ANSWER: I’ve trained under the world’s foremost werewolf hunters.  I will be fine.  It’s the werewolf you should be worried about.

QUESTION:  Will anything stop you from posting once a day?

ANSWER:  Absolutely not.  If you can think of a hypothetical scenario that could stop me, let me know, and I will debunk it immediately.

QUESTION:  Are you ever going to review some more books on your book blog?  Because, you know, it’s a book blog.

ANSWER:  I hope to.  Even when I don’t, I do bring in a lot of literary references, discussions of writing, and so on.  All in all, I feel this is a site that the average book nerd with a healthy sense of humor will enjoy.

QUESTION:  Do you have any fun plans for the blog in the months ahead or is it just going to be a lot of obligatory “I like waffles” type posts just to meet the once a day challenge?

ANSWER:  I’m not going to lie.  By the end of this year, my 3.5 regular readers will be well versed in my breakfast food likes and dislikes.  However, one fun project I am working on is the Bookshelf Battle origin story.

QUESTION:  What?

ANSWER:  What life is like as the owner of a magical bookshelf upon which the inhabitants constantly do battle.

QUESTION:  That sounds stupid.

ANSWER:  Paramount already bought the movie rights.

QUESTION:  Who’s playing you?

ANSWER:  Channing Tatum

QUESTION:  No, really.

ANSWER:  Jonah Hill

QUESTION:  No, really.

ANSWER:  Fine.  Danny DeVito.

QUESTION:  No, really.

ANSWER: Alright!  CGI Gollum.

QUESTION:  Anything else?

ANSWER:  Come April, it’s going to be a real Game of Thrones-a-palooza around here.  I treat Game of Thrones Sundays in the Springtime the way so-called normal people do with the Superbowl.  Except, arguably, Game of Thrones is better than the Superbowl, because stuff more interesting than a ball being moved around is happening.  If you’re a GOT nerd, stop by in April.

QUESTION:  Do you always interview yourself?

ANSWER:  Yes.

In conclusion, thanks everyone for following in and joining in on the fun.  Together, we can bring the written word to the masses whilst not being all stuffy about it.

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Feb 14 2015
1 Comment
Videos

Key of Awesome’s “Fifty Shades of Broke”

I love the youtube show – “Key of Awesome.”  If you haven’t seen it yet, you should check it out.

As my 3.5 regular readers know, I’ve been complaining about Fifty Shades of Gray, arguing that its success exposes societal hypocrisy in that if Christian Grey were ugly and poor, it would be a horror film released on Halloween.  But, since he’s rich and handsome, it’s classified as a Valentine’s Day Romance.

Great minds think alike apparently.  Here’s Key of Awesome’s “Fifty Shades of Broke.”  The premise?  Grey loses all of his money in a pawnsi scheme and suddenly all of his “extracurricular activities” lose their appeal for the mousey interviewer.

“I liked it better when you took me to Paris after you whipped me!”

Anyway, Key of Awesome is great.  Check it out.

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Feb 14 2015
1 Comment
Uncategorized

Fifty Shades of Blech

If you saw the movie and have anything to offer, please do in the comment section! I’m a big believer in “to each their own” and just because I’m not interested in it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to see it per se. Even so, the whole premise of the film seems a bit hypocritical.

bookshelfbattle's avatarBookshelf Battle

I try my best not to make fun of the work of others on this blog.  And let’s

50 Shades of Grey - 20 Percent of Off 50 Shades of Grey – 20 Percent of Off

face it, make fun of Fifty Shades of Grey all you want, but the author, publisher, and now movie studio behind it are raking in the dough.

I just can’t help but scratch my head though as I try to make sense out of why today’s modern, empowered woman would be into this thing.  But that’s a slippery slope I don’t want to get onto, lest I be accused of trying to tell women what to do.

Here’s the hypothetical Hollywood pitch meeting as it plays out in my head:

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 1 :  OK.  We’ve got this great movie idea.

This mousy woman goes to interview a man, but discovers he has a secret room where he tortures women!

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 2:  Oh…

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Feb 14 2015
4 Comments
Poetry

Shakespeare’s Sonnet 130 – “My Mistress’ Eyes Are Nothing Like the Sun.”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Behold!  I will now present what I argue is the greatest love poem ever written:

Sonnet 130: My Mistress’ Eyes Are Nothing Like The Sun

BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

Was Shakespeare being serious here?  Was he being satiric?  Both?

I think we have an early example of parody here.

Every love poem compares a woman’s eyes to the sun, her breath to perfume, her cheeks to roses, etc.  Here, Shakespeare is saying, “You know what?  I have a regular, normal, average woman.  She’s nothing special.  But I love her anyway.”

And that’s a great thing!  Most people are normal, average, and ordinary.  You don’t need to over hype people to love them.  Just love your special someone for who they are.

Now then – and listen carefully, dudes.  Keep in mind I am not recommending that you take your ladies out tonight and tell them, “Baby, your breathe reeks, your breasts are grey (dun being an old word for grey), you’re no goddess, and music sounds better than you do!”

And in fact, as a disclaimer to all the crooked lawyers out there reading this – the Bookshelf Battler takes no responsibility for anything that happens to a man who recites Shakespeare’s Sonnet 130 to his lady love.

Because while most people won’t get it, it really is a sweet poem.  Why?

Because anyone can love a person with breathe like perfume and whose voice is like music, but true love comes in loving the normal, the average, the ordinary, and even the below average.  And as hot as your woman may be, no one really has breathe like perfume, walks like a goddess, etc.

You may think there are a handful of women like that in the world, but I’d imagine even Brad Pitt is like, at least once in awhile, “Damn Angelina’s breath stanks!!!”

So this Valentine’s Day, grab hold of your very average and ordinary loved ones, knowing that to you they are above average and extraordinary, and make them feel that way.

But seriously.  Don’t tell her that her eyes are nothing like the sun.

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Feb 14 2015
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Uncategorized

My Complaints About Romance Novels

Feb 13 2015
20 Comments
Book Based Movies

Fifty Shades of Blech

I try my best not to make fun of the work of others on this blog.  And let’s

50 Shades of Grey - 20 Percent of Off

50 Shades of Grey – 20 Percent of Off

face it, make fun of Fifty Shades of Grey all you want, but the author, publisher, and now movie studio behind it are raking in the dough.

I just can’t help but scratch my head though as I try to make sense out of why today’s modern, empowered woman would be into this thing.  But that’s a slippery slope I don’t want to get onto, lest I be accused of trying to tell women what to do.

Here’s the hypothetical Hollywood pitch meeting as it plays out in my head:

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 1 :  OK.  We’ve got this great movie idea.

This mousy woman goes to interview a man, but discovers he has a secret room where he tortures women!

HOLLYWOOD SUIT 2:  Oh my God!  Sounds terrifying!  So what, I guess we brand it as a horror flick and release it on Halloween?

SUIT 1:  What?  No!  Sorry, I forgot to mention the guy is handsome and rich.

SUIT 2:  Handsome and rich?!  Well, why didn’t you say so?  Sounds like a surefire Valentine’s Day blockbuster to me!!!

Admittedly, I’ve never seen the book nor read the film.  If you have, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the main theme basically, “If you’re handsome and rich, it’s ok to abuse women?”

Eh, what the hell do I know?  I’m just a humble book blogger.  Y’all have fun at the movie.  I’ll be at home lamenting the decline of Western civilization as we know it.

In conclusion, let me be clear.  I’m not telling women what they should or shouldn’t like.  I am saying that Susan B. Anthony is rolling in her grave.

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Feb 13 2015
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Poetry

The Greatest Love Poem Ever Written

Tomorrow, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I will share with you the greatest love poem ever written.

Before then, does anyone want to venture a guess as to what it is?

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Feb 12 2015
5 Comments
Classics

Romance Advice from William Shakespeare – Part Four

Shakespeare was an intense dude.  Most people were intense way back when.  They put on twenty pounds of clothes just to go out to eat and they used twenty words to say things where one would have done just fine.

The Bard’s words are beautiful, but they aren’t as easily understood by today’s modern English speakers.

So first, study Shake’s immortal love sonnet below, and after that, I will translate.

Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day?  (Sonnet 18)

BY: William Shakespeare

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimmed;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st,
Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow’st.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

OK.  And now for the translation.  Are you sitting down?  Good.  For I will now translate this masterpiece of old English into modern language:

Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day?  (Sonnet 18)

BY:  William Shakespeare

TRANSLATED BY:  Bookshelf Q. Battler

Damn baby, you be fine!

And there you have it.  The Bard’s words brought forth into modern times.  ‘Tis a beautiful thing.

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Feb 11 2015
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Romance

Romance Advice From William Shakespeare – Part 3

Do you believe in love at first sight?

That’s not a trick question.  I’m not going to ask you if I need to walk by again.

Do people instantly connect and have metaphysical fireworks explode in their hearts, or does it take time for love to grow?

Personally, I feel like the older one gets, the harder it is to feel those instant fireworks.  But what do I know?

Shakespeare believed in love at first sight.  And since this is a series about how to get chicks using the bard’s most romantic passages – well, if you meet someone and feel that instant connection, maybe you can recite this to said individual:

No sooner met but they looked;
No sooner looked but they loved;
No sooner loved but they sighed;
No sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason;
No sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy;
And in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs to marriage…

– William Shakespeare, As You Like It

Love at first sight or love that grows with time?  Is one better than the other?

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Feb 10 2015
2 Comments
Romance

Romance Advice From William Shakespeare – Part 2

Dudes, you have no idea how lucky you are all to have me.  I’m here.  I’m taking time out of my busy schedule to inform you, the reading masses, how to use the writings of the most influential author of the English language, to score points with the ladies.

Bardin’ ‘Aint Easy

OK.  Look at me.  LOOK AT ME.  Take one night out of your life and woo your woman.  All to often men underestimate the power of woo.

What is woo?  It’s not easy to explain.  It’s the effort you put in to make your woman feel special and loved.  Frankly, if you have to ask, some other dude has probably wooed your woman away by now anyway.

Don’t half-ass it like you do everything else.  Your woman is not some rug that you can just sweep dirt under and then pretend like you actually cleaned the floor.  Look at your woman and pitch ridiculous amounts of woo.  Take all of your wooing skills and just send them straight into your woman’s general direction.

Shakespeare’s Henry VI dealt with all of the political power power plays and general nastiness that led to the War of the Roses.  What was that war about?   I don’t know.  One side had some roses.  The other side wanted roses.  So they fought over the roses.  What do I look like?  A history scholar?  We’re not here to talk about roses (although you should order your lady some in advance because they’ll be sold out by Valentine’s Day by dudes who thought of this stuff before you did).

We’re here to talk about this quote:

“She’s beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; She is woman, and therefore to be won”

– William Shakespeare, Henry VI

Take a knee, dudes.  Listen – want a translation of what Bill just said?  Here you go – you can’t phone this shit in.  Your woman is beautiful and so you have to earn that right to be around all that beauty.  Get her flowers.  Sing to her.  Read her poems and shit.  Or if she’s not into all that, then do chores and crap without her complaining about it or acting like a martyr because you had to wash a dish.  Make your woman happy!

Happy Wife = Happy Life.  Woo.  Learn how to Woo.

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