Monthly Archives: October 2016

Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 2

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Hours later, the modest home of a simple villager had been turned into a makeshift battle hospital.

Doctor Sebastian Garcia listened to the patient’s heart with a stethoscope. The beats were slow and feint.

“We’re losing him,” the doctor said.

“Unacceptable,” Colonel Arroyo said. “The General is so loved by the people that our heads will be on pikes if he doesn’t live.”

“He has lost too much blood,” Doctor Garcia replied. “There is nothing I can do.”

The front door creaked open and an alluring woman emerged. She was dressed all in black with hair to match. Her eyes were stunning, her lips were red and full and a subtle beauty mark graced the lower part of her right cheek.

The Colonel turned his head toward the woman. “Leave, wench! You have no business here.”

“You will leave me alone with the general,” the woman cooed in a soft, sultry voice.

“Senorita,” the doctor said. “This is not a time for games. This is an important man and he is very ill.”

The woman’s eyes turned blank and blood red. She looked at both men intently, then slowly repeated, “You will leave me alone with the general.”

“Bien,” the doctor said as he walked out the door. “I suppose every man deserve’s a pretty woman’s company in his final moments.”

“Bahh,” Arroyo said as he joined the doctor. “Let’s leave them be. I need a drink.”

The door slammed shut. The woman’s eyes returned to normal as she stepped closer to the patient.

Santa Anna shivered and gritted his teeth as beads of sweat trickled down his forehead.

“Shhh,” the woman said as she ran her fingers through the general’s long, black hair. “All is well now, mi amor.”

The general’s hand twitched. The woman reached down and took it into hers. “Do you know my name?”

No response.

“Mi nombre es Legion,” the woman said. “Porque somos muchos.”
The woman rubbed her thumb up and down the back of Santa Anna’s hand. “But I suppose ‘Legion’ isn’t a very pretty name so you may call me Isadora.”

Isadora pressed her lips up against Santa Anna’s forehead and kissed.

“I have been following your career with great interest, Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna,” Isadora said. “In my many years, I have never seen a man so willing to risk his life for his country.”

Santa Anna winced with pain. Doctor Garcia had cut away the chunks of flesh and bone, cleaned the wound and dressed it, but blood continued to pour out of it and stain the white bed linen.

“Do you do it for honor?” Isadora asked.

No answer.

“For country?”

No answer.

Isadora’s right eyebrow raised. “Do you do it for glory?”

No answer.

“I can work with glory.”

Isadora opened her mouth and two pointy fangs popped out.

“Fear not, novio,” Isadora said as she drew her mouth close to Santa Anna’s neck. “This will not hurt at all compared to what you have been through already.”

The vampire chomped at the patient’s throat, then sucked on his blood, feeding herself until the general was drained.

Santa Anna murmured one last “ungh” just before his heart stopped.

Isadora bit into her wrist, opening up two holes through, causing drops of blood to flow out.

The she-vamp pressed her wrist up against Santa Anna’s lips.

“Feed.”

Santa Anna remained a still, lifeless corpse.

“Feed, mi amor,” Isadora said.

Nothing.

“Feed and all of Mexico will be yours.”

Like a wild animal, Santa Anna emitted a guttural roar. He sprang up in bed. His eyes turned red. A pair of fangs popped out of his mouth. Instinctively, he used them to cut into Isadora’s wrist.

A primal thirst had taken control of the general. He quenched it with Isadora’s blood.

She was a willing donor. As she watched her new plaything nourish himself, she could not help but laugh.

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Remember the Zombamo – Chapter 1

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1829

Tampico, Mexico

The Spaniards had returned for what they deemed was rightfully theirs. An army of two-thousand-six-hundred men loyal to King Ferdinand approached with rifles at the ready.

Sitting atop his horse, the middle-aged Colonel Javier Arroyo peaked at the uninvited guests through a spy glass.

“Madness,” the Colonel said. “General, we have no choice but to…”

Before Arroyo could say “surrender,” his commander, the brash, young General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna was off, charging his steed towards the invaders with his saber drawn, a battle cry pouring out of his lungs, and hundreds of his own men in tow.

“Dios mio,” Colonel Arroyo said as he drew his saber and pointed it at the Spaniards. “Attack!”

The air grew thick with the scent of gunpowder as shots rang out from both sides. Swords clanged. Blood was spilled, staining the soil crimson.

Before long, the Colonel and the General found themselves fighting side by side.

“I find myself questioning your sanity, Antonio!” the Colonel cried as ran his sword through a Spaniard’s gut.

Santa Anna fired his pistol at one Spanish soldier, then, lacking sufficient time to reload, socked another square in the jaw with his bare fist.

“And I question your intestinal fortitude, Javier,” Santa Anna replied.

“My…”

The general’s sword clanged against a Spanish rapier. Parry…parry…thrust! Another Spaniard down.

“Your guts!” Santa Anna said.

“There are too many of them!” Arroyo shouted. “There’s cowardice and then there’s using the head that God gave you!”

Pow! A Spanish cannonball emerged from a cannon perched on a hilltop, tore through the air, and landed twenty feet away, causing a contingent of Mexican soldiers to erupt in an explosion of blood and viscera.

Santa Anna picked up a dead Spaniard’s rifle and fired a shot, opening up a giant hole in the middle of a Spanish officer’s head.

“Fighting to keep what is yours?” Santa Anna asked. “If you think that’s a bad idea, then you’re the one who has something wrong his head, amigo.”

Pow! A second cannonball landed. It was closer this time. Ten feet away. More blood. More guts.

Arroyo ducked just in time to avoid getting his faced smashed in with the butt of a rifle. He returned the favor by jamming his sword through his opponent’s stomach.

“I think its a good idea to live,” Arroyo said.

“And you will,” Santa Anna said. “Trust me, tonight we will celebrate by…”

Pow! A third cannonball landed three feet away. It exploded.

The general was on the ground. His ears were ringing. His sight was blurry.

“Antonio!” Arroyo shouted as he fought his way to his fallen leader’s side.

Santa Anna looked to his left. A bloody, shredded leg laid in the dirt. Even with all the pain and confusion, he could tell the limb looked all too familiar.

The general looked down. His right leg was still there. His left leg was not. Scraps of flesh and bone jutted out of the left side of his pelvis where his leg once was.

“Antonio?” the Colonel asked. “Antonio!”

Santa Anna’s eyes closed and he slipped into a deep, dark state of unconsciousness.

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 25 – Luke Duffy – Zombie Warfare

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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Luke Duffy.  A soldier who has found time to be awesome and write.

BQB has found time to do neither!

Check out BQB’s interview with Luke Duffy here.

And don’t forget to check out Luke’s Amazon author page.

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #25 – David S. Pumpkins

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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BQB can’t stop watching it.

You can’t either.

Vampires definitely can’t.

Is a vampire trying to bite you?

Just show them SNL’s David. S. Pumpkins.

Doo doo dee doo doo dee doo doo…

 

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Update on BQB’s Zombie Western

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So I’ve thought….and I’ve thought…and I’ve thought.

How can I…

a) Create an ongoing plot that ties several books together

b) but neither book loses its distinct style and feel

c) and how can this all be made scalable so that I can put out one book in the series, then move onto something completely different, put that book out, then come back and put out another book in the series because I have a short attention span.

So here’s where I am.

I’m going to write a book about zombies attacking the Alamo.  Yes, you heard that correctly.

Turns out that Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, William Travis and Sam Houston were all bad ass warlocks who defended the Alamo from Vampire Santa Anna because there was a hell gate that Satan could pass through.

Our heroes save the day, but the Legion continues to cause chaos.  The Legion will look for others to lead zombie armies, to descend the world into madness, to distract everyone whilst the hellgate is opened again.

Book 2 will be Undead Man’s Hand where Wild Bill, Calamity Jane and Charlie Utter give us the information on who all the board members of the Legion Corporation are.

To my great surprise, How the West Was Zombed will become Book 3.  I struggled with this.  It really seemed like a great Book 1, what with the West being zombed and all.

But even in that book there are some mentions of the Alamo and of Wild Bill, so instead of making these stories flashbacks, why not give them their own books.

If popular enough, I forsee future books where Wyatt Earp, Bat Masterson, Billy the Kid, Jesse James, and Butch and Sundance all take a turn fighting zombies.

If no one is sick of it yet after all that, Miles will get his own book as he helps Hoo Doo Brown sniff out what happened to Santa Anna’s leg.

If no one is exhausted by all this, then there will be a grand finale in the early 1900s in which Teddy Roosevelt becomes President.

Meanwhile, Slade’s brother Tobias becomes president of the newly formed Western States of America and after a life time of being downtrodden, Tobias succumbs to “the dark side” and leads the Western States down a dark path which will lead to the Alamo hell gate being opened once more.

Ultimately, a battle royale in which all the heroes in previous books still alive work together in the West while Teddy Roosevelt leads a charge in from the East.

You see, Bowie’s original Bowie knife was in fact, a magic knife used to kill Satan, who according to the bible, is able to come out of a portal in serpent form every once in awhile unless someone stops him, which sounds like an awesome, yet scary, plot line.

Bowie passes that knife to an unwitting young Gunther who carries it around with him until he’s old. He passes it off to Slade. Slade carries it till he is old. I believe an incantation also gets written on a piece of paper tucked into Bowie’s hat, which Gunther passes on to Miles, ergo Miles and Slade must reunite by the end.

I haven’t decided if Slade, Calamity Jane, Wyatt Earp et all will become warlocks like Crocket et all, the original people who stopped the hellgate.

So bottomline – it is a series that begins with four heroes who, amidst zombie created chaos, stop Satan from exiting a hellgate and then an ongoing saga where various Legion villains try to recreate that chaos and various heroes stop it.

The new heroes may or may not become warlocks as the series progresses.  I suppose they have to if Crockett and friends were warlocks, but somehow Slade becoming a warlock seems like a jump the shark idea.

I’ll probably be like 75 by the time this is all written so, you know, at that point, who gives a shit if I make a million dollars if I’m too old and hideous to attract hot buxom blondes.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at, 3.5 readers.  I’m going to finish Zomcation just because I think it will be an easy path to get a book out and then do a zombie western, do another book, do another zombie western, another book and so on until I either croak or become famous and wealthy.

So in other words, until I croak.

But at least you 3.5 readers will be very entertained.

I Literally Can’t Stop Watching David S Pumpkins

Like the characters in the SNL Haunted Elevator sketch who can’t understand why David S Pumpkins is scary, I can’t figure out why this sketch is so funny.  It just is.

And I can’t stop watching it.

I’m retiring from writing, 3.5 readers.

I will now spend every second of my day watching David S. Pumpkins.

What does the S stand for? I want to know!

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30,005 Visitors

Hey 3.5 readers.

I was feeling bummed today.

Back from my nice vacation, time to go back to my regular, hum drum life as the Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice President of Corporate Assistance at Beige Corp, the World’s Premiere Producer of Beige Products and Accessories, feeling a little down in the dumps, i.e. realizing it is unlikely I’ll ever visit a big city like NYC ever again except as a tourist…i.e. I’ll never be there to sign on with a publishing agent or to close a book deal or to go to a book signing of my book or something.

Then I saw this:

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See that visitor counter?

30,005 visitors?

Or could that number be considered…”30,005 visitors?”

On a numerical scale, seems in keeping with “3.5 readers.”

I could have clicked on this any time. I clicked on it exactly when it said 30,005.

Is it a sign?

I honestly don’t know.

When I was young, I could have chosen the risky path of going balls out toward a writing career or the safe, hum drum path.

I chose to play it safe but in retrospect, I wish I’d chosen risky.

It was so easy to play it safe when I was young. “Plenty of time left. Just be safe a few more years and then you’ll be able to be risky.”

Sigh.  Now I’m too old to be risky.  The world wouldn’t even let me be risky if I wanted to. Risky opportunities are only passed out to the young.

I get my hopes up too much I guess.  My brain and my body keep quoting Eminem, telling me to learn to live “down here” but my heart keeps crying out, “No, live up here!”

I don’t know.  These books take time. I suppose I’m too down in the dumps to be all like, “this means I’m going to make it as a writer!” but at any rate, it was neat to see 30,005 readers.

That’s in almost 3 years.  You might say 30,005 readers in 2.5 years.

I really need 30,005 readers a day.

Also, I have a theory that the 30,005 visitors are just my 3.5 readers clicking on the site 30,005 times.

I’m sorry to be such a bummer, 3.5 readers.

If you like what you see here, keep reading and keep trying to become more than 3.5 readers.

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The Walking Dead – Season 7, Episode 1 – “The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be”

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Holy crap, 3.5 readers.

Seven seasons and The Walking Dead just keeps walking.

I don’t want to spoil it but needless to say, the big question going into this season was who did Neegan kill and low and behold, we found out, in a big way, and with some twists.

Some big ole twists.

So, you know, I’ll probably hang on for another week before I go into detail just to let people process and in case anyone hasn’t gotten to see it yet and needs to catch up.

If your new to BQB’s recaps, just remember they are spoiler laden, so avoid if you haven’t watched the show yet.

What did you think, 3.5 readers?

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#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 24 -W.J. Lundy – WTF

By: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

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WTF?

WTF indeed.

BQB, WTF can’t you get your writing career off the ground when W.J. Lundy finds the time to write AND fight for freedom?

Seriously, BQB. Get off your ass.

Check out BQB’s interview with W.J. Lundy here.

And don’t forget to check out W.J. Lundy’s Amazon author page.

#31WaysToDefeataVampire Way #24 – Sunglasses

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Cool people wear shades.

If you’re cool, then vampires won’t bite you.

They’ll try to get you to turn voluntarily, but vampires rarely pick on cool people.

You may look uncool despite the shades but the shades will be enough of a speed bump to slow a vampire down and make them look elsewhere.

Bleh. Wear shades.

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