Well, 3.5 readers. It finally happened.
I got a draft of a book finished that I felt was worthy enough to print out:
I know. Very exciting. But this is big. I believe it will get done and sooner rather than later.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Monthly Archives: January 2017
Daily Discussion with BQB – Ringling Brothers Circus is Closing
Sad news 3.5 readers, as Ringling Brothers Circus, a longtime American institution, is closing.
Is the circus an old timey thing that just didn’t last in the modern age? Some news reports say it was the cancellation of the performing elephant part of the show that hurt ticket sales. That’s too bad but then again I guess I don’t want to see elephants suffer just for amusement purposes.
I don’t know. Surely in this day of advanced tech, couldn’t they have come up with some other spectacle to keep the audience in their seats?
Will you miss the show, 3.5 readers?
They Ruined Last Man Standing
OK. I’m about five years late with this complaint, but I guess that’s what happens when shows are preserved forever on Netflix and you can watch them whenever you want.
For the most part, I hate it when there are cast changes on a TV show. If a group of actors/actresses wowed everyone in the first season then every effort should be made to keep the band together.
You don’t change your socks in the bottom of the ninth. To change an actress is to change the character altogether.
In the first season, Last Man Standing was basically Tim Allen taking his winning Home Improvement formula and applying it to modern times.
On Home Improvement, Tim Taylor lusted after power tools, was kept in check by intelligent wife/psychology student Jill, and was a father to three wacky boys. From time to time, he’d seek advice from his TV show co-star Al or his mysterious neighbor, Wilson. During his Tool Time TV show, he’d regale the studio audience with a rant about some subject related to a problem he was experiencing with his family.
On Last Man Standing, the three boys are traded in for three girls. Mike Baxter lusts after crossbows, shotguns and assorted pieces of hunting equipment. He’s kept in check by intelligent wife/geologist Vanessa. He seeks advice from his boss/confidant Ed. In a modern twist, he regales the Outdoor Man website visitors with rants related to some problem he is experiencing with his family.
Symmetry. Gotta love it. Then they ruined it.
In the first season, Mike’s eldest daughter Kristin is played by Alexandra Krosney. Her backstory is that she got pregnant during her senior year of high school, thus destroying all of her college hopes and dreams while leaving Mike with his only male ally in a house full of girls, his little grandson Boyd.
There was definitely a subtle lesson behind that character. The message to young people who have kids way too young is, ok, you made a mistake. But life isn’t over. Kristin gets up everyday, works at a rancid diner, takes care of her son and occasionally takes a college class when she can fit it into her schedule. Mom, Dad and younger sisters pitch in to help Kristin out.
Happy family. Gotta love it. You’re left with a hope that as long as Kristin keeps plugging away, she will eventually get her long awaited award. She’ll get her education and she won’t have to work at a stank ass diner anymore.
Alas, in Season Two, Krosney is replaced by Amanda Fuller. I don’t mean to knock Fuller. She’s playing the character she was hired to play but, this version of Kristin stinks.
Jordan Masterson is brought in to play Boyd’s dad, Ryan, who in the first season had been played by Nick Jonas in a one time guest spot.
New Kristin and Ryan become liberal foils to conservative Mike. What used to be a sweet, funny show about a happy family descends into a weekly political debate show where everyone comes across as though they want to slap the crap out of each other over the latest political happenings of the day.
I have a hunch what the network was trying to do. They essentially moved from modern Home Improvement to modern All in the Family.
If you missed All in the Family, it had the same vibe. Die hard conservative Archie Bunker would go toe to toe with his super liberal daughter Gloria and son-in-law Mike aka Meathead.
People tend to forget that as much of a hard ass Archie Bunker was, Mike and Gloria were, at times, unbearable in their own ways.
Archie had his pros, namely, he was a good provider and the only one in the household with the brains needed to earn a dollar or get any work done. He also had his cons in that he was brutish and harsh, stubborn and set in his ways, though occasionally a heart of gold peeked through.
Mike and Gloria had their pros. They cared about people and the world and were happy go lucky flower children. But they had their cons, namely, neither one of them could work their way out of a wet paper bag and by the end of the show they had ended up a pair of forty year olds dependent on their elderly father/father-in-law because they were too free spirited to figure out how to earn a living on their own.
In short, the show runners, in my opinion anyway, were trying to say, “Hey, look, both sides have some good ideas, and bad ideas, no one has a complete lock on right and wrong and sometimes when people on opposing sides lock horns, all reason is thrown out the window.”
Apparently, the “new and improved” Kristin and Ryan worked enough to keep the show going for years but personally, I liked the first season better. I get they are going for modern day Archie vs. Meathead and Gloria in the form of Mike vs. New Kristin and Ryan, but to me, it just comes across as this once adorable, happy family now hates each other.
Mike, like Archie, is a bit of a hard ass, though nowhere near as hard as Archie. His conservative beliefs clash with New Kristin and Ryan’s liberalism, and the trio spend at least half of every show duking it out in a war of ideology.
Like Archie, Mike is a good provider, but he does try to foist his beliefs on his kids. Like Meathead and Gloria, New Kristin and Ryan believe their way is the best to help people, but they do come off as ungrateful brats who boinked one night in high school and now they expect their father/father-in-law to raise and pay for their kid for them but they still want to lecture him on how to do it and tell him that he’s doing a shitty job when they should be thanking him for being there for them.
All I know is I just end up missing the happy family that loved each other in season one.
Plus, the bitter political divide the country suffers from can be seen everywhere. Did we really need to see it on this show too?
Anyway. Thanks for listening to my five year old complaint, America. Bring back Alexandra Krosney.
Blah. I don’t know if I’ll even bother to keep watching it.
Miranda Sings Makes Her Own Hatchimal
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. You might think it is just her hatching the toy, but as she explains, she couldn’t find one, so she made her own by putting her cat in a paper bag.
Funny stuff. The cat is very well behaved. Any other cat would have gone nuts.
Glengarry Glen Ross: Self-Publishing Edition (Or, Always Be Self-Publishing)
BQB’s EDITORIAL NOTE: 3.5 readers, I heard a rumor you guys are struggling with your self-publishing ventures lately, so I invited a special guest speaker to come in and motivate you. Please welcome a young Alec Baldwin in his prime.
Blake:
Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…(puts out his cigarette)…bitching about that book launch you shot, some son of a bitch reader that doesn’t want to read your book, somebody that doesn’t want to read what you’re writing, some broad you’re trying to screw but she won’t screw you because writers never get laid and so forth. Let’s talk about something important. Are they all here?
Williamson:
All but one.
Blake:
Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important. (To Levene) Put that coffee down! Coffee’s for self-publishers only. (Levene scoffs). Do you think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from a primo e-book sales site. I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Levene?
Levene:
Yeah.
Blake:
You call yourself a self-publisher, you son of a bitch?
Moss:
I don’t have to listen to this shit.
Blake:
You certainly don’t, pal. ‘Cause the good news is you’re fired from my platform. The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs as self-publishers, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s word count session. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s self-publishing contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a box of steak knives. (Holds up box of knives).
Third prize is you’re fired. You get the picture. You laughing now? You’ve got words. That fuck who wrote the dictionary went to a lot of trouble to get you those words. Think about the right word combinations and write them!
You can’t finish writing a book with the words you’ve been given then you can’t write for shit. You ARE shit, so hit the bricks pal and beat it because you are going out!
Levene:
The words are weak.
Blake:
‘The words are weak.’ The fucking words are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in the self-publishing business for fifteen years. That’s right. I went back in time and told myself to start self-publishing before any of this shit was even invented.
Moss:
What’s your name?
Blake:
Fuck you! That’s my name. You know why, Mister? Because you wrote your novel tonight on a bargain basement, second hand Dell and I wrote my novel on a state of the art, top of the line Mac Book Pro. That’s my name!
(To Levene) – And your name is “you’re wanting to self-publish but you’re too chicken shit to get off your ass and do it.” You can’t play in a man’s game. You can’t close out a book.
(To Everyone) – Because only one thing counts in this life! Get readers to read your books! Do you hear me, you fucking losers?
(Blake points to a blackboard. Two sets of letters are written on it: “ABS” and “ADIY.”)
Blake:
A-B-C. A-always, B-be, S-self-publishing. Always be self-publishing! Always be self-publishing.
A-D-I-Y. Always Do It Yourself. Stop waiting for those traditional publishing pricks to give you the keys to the golden kingdom because it’s never going to happen. Are you going to do it yourself? I know you are because it’s fuck or walk. You self-publish or you hit the bricks!
Do it yourself! Who else are you going to do it for? Christ? Take action. Get out there!
You’ve got the readers coming in. You think they came in to get out of the rain? The guy doesn’t come to your online book sales page unless he wants to read. He is sitting out there waiting to give you his money!
Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Moss) What’s the problem pal? You! Moss!
Moss:
You’re such a hero. You’re so rich. Why are you coming down here just to waste your time on a bunch of bums?
(Blake takes off his gold watch and shows it to Moss).
Blake:
You see this watch? You see this watch?
Moss:
Yeah.
Blake:
This watch costs more than your car. I made $970,000 on self-publishing last year, mostly on one book that had a really descriptive scene about a giant pair of titties. How much did you make? You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you. Go home and play with your kids.
(To everyone) – You want to self-publish here? Finish writing a book! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksuckers? You can’t take this, how are you going to take it when your book gets a one star review?
You don’t like it? Leave. I can go out there tonight with the words you’ve got and write myself fifteen thousand books. Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise!
A-D-I-Y! Get mad! Get mad, you sons of bitches! You know what it takes to sell books?
(Blake pulls a set of brass balls out of his brief case and dangles it in front of his crotch).
Blake:
It takes a set of brass balls to sell books.
Go and do likewise, gents. The money’s out there. You pick it up? It’s yours. You don’t? I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those word count sessions tonight and rack up big counts then those words are yours. If not, you’re going to be shining my shoes.
Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (Speaks in a sad tone). “Oh yeah, I used to be a self-publisher. It’s a tough racket.”
(Blake takes a stack of index cards out of his briefcase).
These are the new words. These are the Glengarry words. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give these words to you would be to just throw them away.
These words are for self-publishers. I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.
(To Moss) – And to answer your question, pal. Why am I here? I came here because the book sales site asked me to. They asked me for a favor. I said, ‘The real favor? Follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.’
(Blake heads into interior office).
Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Joseph Fiennes Have Been Cast to Play Michael Jackson?
Hey 3.5 readers.
As an aspiring comedy writer, I have to say that on the surface, a plot in which Liz Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando driving in a car together from New York to California after planes were shut down in the aftermath of 9/11 sounds like gold.
I’m not talking about the 9/11 part, obviously. But Elizabeth Taylor and all her husbands, Marlon Brando eating himself silly and talking gibberish in a depressed tone and Michael Jackson? Well, I suppose we don’t need to rehash his problems.
Urban Myths is a British TV show that portrays myths circulating about famous people and the casting of Fiennes, a white man, as Jackson has been talked about for a long time.
When I first heard about the casting last year, my immediate reaction was, well, normally you should not have a white man play a black man but Michael was that rare case where his skin color turned white. Thus, even though Michael was a black man it just wouldn’t make sense to have, say, Ving Rhames or Samuel L. Jackson play him.
But then I saw the result in this Inside Edition clip and, yeah, I am now going to backpedal and say the decision was terrible:
Michael Jackson, as a character on film, is a very difficult character to portray. The man had so many plastic surgeries that by the end of his life he looked like some kind of humanoid space goblin. Thus, it’s hard to make an actor look like Michael without adding some wacky prosthetics that, let’s face it, are just going to offend everyone.
They just didn’t do a good job here. The way Fiennes is made up, he looks nothing like Jackson. He just looks like a white guy with a messed up face. Cue, “Mike also looked like a white guy with a messed up face” joke here, but whereas Michael looked like a space goblin, Fiennes just looks like a white guy who went a few rounds in a boxing match and lost.
If I were making a Michael Jackson movie like this, the best option I think would probably be to cast a white guy, put a Jackson wig on him or that hat he always wore, and then put those big sunglasses he used to wear and the black bandana thing he wore over his face. He was a germophobe so it would make sense. You might cast a light skinned black man but I mean, it’d have to be a really light skinned black man.
Other than that, there’s just no real way to cast Jackson and/or make an actor look like Jackson without offending everyone.
Curious about the whole shebang, I searched for MJ impersonators on YouTube and found a whole variety of dudes of varying ethnic backgrounds who managed to pull it off far better than this show did…so it can be done.
It’s too bad. Liz, Mike and Marlon in a car together sounds like a hysterical idea, but without handling it properly, the whole thing tanks.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Daily Discussion with BQB – Monster Trucks – The First Bomb of 2017
Apparently, Hollywood is getting its favorite major bomb of a movie out of the way early in 2017.
Monster Trucks is apparently going to cost its studio a $115 million loss even though it just happened. The plot follows a young mechanic who finds a monster living in his truck who powers and controls the truck. Other monsters come around, take over those trucks…so…yeah. Monster Trucks.
The trailer reminds me of 1980s goofy sci-fi/kid befriends nice creature movies. A hundred and fifteen million lost on a live action kids film released in January? I don’t know, someone goofed up somewhere.
However, critics are calling it the biggest pile of crap to walk out of crapville. (They didn’t say that exactly but that’s the general summary).
I hate to get too down on Hollywood. I am always encouraging them to do something new and stop all the reboots and remakes. But I guess you walk a fine line when it comes to kids movies. Animated appeals to kids more than live action.
Oh well. Monster Trucks, we hardly knew ye. What say you, 3.5 readers?
Zom Fu – Part 5 – Advisor Zhen
The Infallible Master informs General Tsang of Dragonhand’s incoming attack. The corrupt and arrogant Advisor Zhen has a good laugh.
TV Review – One Day at a Time (2017)
A single mom, two kids and a hot eighty-five year old reboot the Norman Lear classic sitcom, exclusively on Netflix.
BQB here with a review of One Day at a Time.
As a Gen X-er (I swear we exist), I have vague memories of the original One Day at a Time. Single mom Bonnie Franklin balanced raising two daughters, a job and a friendship with a wacky landlord during a time when TV viewers were just starting to accept seeing divorced characters in lead roles on TV.
I recall the show being mildly interesting but it wasn’t, say Facts of Life or Family Ties or one of those 1980s shows that has been handed down through the ages. It was one of those shows that you’d watch while you were waiting for one of those other big shows to watch. I can’t remember much from it other than it introduced the world to Valerie Bertinelli.
The show’s been rebooted with a modern flair with a Cuban-American family. Justina Machado stars as single mother/Afghanistan war veteran/nurse Penelope. She juggles her day job, raising two kids, her “I’ve made a deal with the devil to keep looking this young” mother Rita Moreno and a friendship with wacky landlord Schneider, who has been given a hipster makeover for modern times.
It has all of the sitcom cheesiness: canned laughter, silly jokes, formulaic plots and so on. The family faces millennial problems that Bonnie Franklin couldn’t have dreamed of, i.e. daughter Isabella refuses to have a quinceanara because she thinks it is an outdated, misogynistic ritual, for example.
At any rate, the show is a good example of a reboot done right. It takes a show that was popular back in the day but didn’t really develop a long lasting, post-run fan base, capitalizes on the name and the plot formula, yet makes it fresh and new.
And besides, Schneider was a hipster before hipsters even existed.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy.
Zom Fu Book Cover
Behold, 3.5 readers, the book cover for Zom Fu in all of its brain yanking glory.
Now I just need to finish writing the book.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Bookshelf Battle 