Loving this trailer, 3.5 readers. The Guardians of the Galaxy are back with humor, action, 1970s songs and Baby Groot.
What say you, 3.5?
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Monthly Archives: January 2017
Zom Fu – Part 4 – Aftermath
Junjie is beside himself with woe. The Infallible Master will walk the earth forever as a ghost, Mei-Ling is a statue and Niu is a brain addict.
Help Me Pick a Book Cover for Zom Fu
Zombies + Kung Fu = Zom Fu!
Dragonhand, the vile master of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite, uses his kung fu skills to rip out the brains of his enemies, then eats them in order to gain the knowledge they hold inside.
Will Junjie be able to save the day before Dragonhand eats the Emperor’s brain?
Find out in Zom Fu!
But before you can find out, a) I have to write it and b), you have to help me choose a book cover.
I know which one I am leaning towards but I require your assistance 3.5.
Zom Fu – Chapter 25
Niu sighed. “Oh cruel fate.”
“How are you feeling?” Junjie asked.
“Like the fates have conspired to give me a throbbing headache,” Niu said as he winced.
“Do you still have a hunger for brains, my son?” the master asked.
“That’s ridiculous,” Niu said.
Junjie picked a zombie brain up off of the courtyard floor.
“Why would anyone have a hunger for…”
Junjie held the brain in front of Niu’s face. The giant’s eyes widened. “…brains? Brain! Give me the…”
The hero hid the brain behind his back. Niu’s calm demeanor returned.
“…brain. Don’t be absurd. Who’d want to eat a brain?”
“You,” Junjie said. “You fought me over one.”
“I did?” Niu asked
“You don’t remember?” Junjie asked.
“Brain addicts often suffer from memory loss,” the master said. “Their minds block out the terrible acts they commit in search of brains.”
“Please,” Niu said. “I’m not a brain addict. I have never even eaten a…”
Junjie held the brain out in front of the big man’s face. “Brain!” Niu shouted. “Give it here!”
The hero tossed the brain over his shoulder. It fell to the courtyard floor with a splat.
“Aww,” Niu said. “Wait. What was I saying?”
“That you don’t want to eat a brain,” Junjie said. “Although clearly you do.”
“Right,” Niu said. “Although I do remember that I avoided the temptation earlier.”
“How?” the master asked.
“The children,” Niu said.
“Oh no,” Junjie said.
“Niu,” the master said. “Please tell me you did not eat the children’s brains!”
“Of course not,” Niu said. “But when I ripped out the brain of one of Dragonhand’s warriors, I became enamored with it. I believe I would have devoured it had the children not divided my attention. I dropped the brain and got the young ones out through the passage but once I came to the courtyard I…”
“…went mad for brains,” Junjie said.
“I am thankful you have yet to eat a brain,” the master said. “And we must keep it that way, lest you go the way of Dragonhand.”
“I pray that is not my fate,” Niu said.
“Master,” Niu said. “How are you…”
“A ghost?” the master asked. “Astral projection.”
“Oh,” Niu said. “The Fourth Infallible Master was able to that. I surely enjoyed my one day of being keeper of the library before it was burnt to the ground.”
“Disciples,” the master said. “We must not waste time with further idle chatter.”
“I agree,” Junjie said. “We must attack Dragonhand head on.”
The master shook his head. “No. You must travel south.”
“South?” Junjie asked. “But that’s not the way to the Emperor’s palace.”
“No,” the master said. “And Niu, you must travel west.”
“If it is my fate to do so, then so be it,” Niu said.
“We’re just going to let the brain addict go?” Junjie asked.
“He appears to have his condition under control, for now,” the master said. “Get him out of here quickly,” the master said.
“I will,” Junjie replied as he began untying the knots around Niu’s arms.
“And nunchuk his face if he submits to brain lust,” the master said.
“I will,” Junjie repeated.
“Is it my fate that everyone will speak about me as if I’m not right here now?” Niu asked.
“Begin your travels,” the master said. “I will reconvene with both of you as soon as possible.”
“Where will you go?” Junjie asked.
“To the Imperial Palace,” the master said. “To warn Captain Tsang.”
Poof! The master disappeared.
Soon, Niu was free. He stood up and towered over Junjie. He looked down at his fellow disciple.
“No hard feelings?” Junjie asked as he looked up at Niu.
“Ow,” Niu said as he rubbed his head. “I doubt the fates would allow it.”
Niu noticed Mei-Ling. “What in the…”
“Cast in stone by Dragonhand,” Junjie said. “The master said she still lives.”
“Now I regret complaining about my fate,” Niu said.
Junjie wrapped his arms around Mei-Ling’s waist. He gritted his teeth as he strained to lift his love, but she wouldn’t budge.
Niu brushed Junjie aside, then picked up Mei-Ling and heaved her over his shoulder as if she were a light bundle.
“Fear not, brother,” Niu said. “I shall protect your woman and leave her with the people of the village nearby. It will give me a chance to check on the children.”
“Thank you,” Junjie said. He looked up at his love’s stone face. “Goodbye, Mei-Ling.”
Niu waited a moment. “I do not think she will be saying goodbye to you.”
Junjie rolled his eyes. “I know. Just don’t…you’re ruining the moment.”
“Oh,” Niu said.
The big man waited another moment as Junjie stared at Mei-Ling’s cold eyes.
“Do you wish me to put your petrified lover down and leave for a while so that you may defile her?”
Junjie shook his head. “And now you ruined it.”
“I am sorry,” Niu said.
“It’s fine,” Junjie said. “Just go.”
Zom Fu – Chapter 24
Junjie hogtied Niu, leaving the passed out giant hogtied, flat on his stomach with his hands tied to his feet.
“I don’t understand,” Junjie said. “For as long as I have known Niu, he has always been peaceful. This is the first time I have ever seen him lash out in anger.”
“His fatalist ways have served him well,” the master said. “But few men can resist the temptation of a brain.”
The hero looked down at the ground, where a brain that had been yanked out of a zombie skull was lying on the ground. “What’s so tempting about them? They are hideous.”
The master chuckled. “The Staff of Ages made a fine choice in you, my son.”
Junjie sat down and leaned up against the wall that his sleepy, humongous comrade had bashed him against moments earlier. The master’s apparition joined him.
“The Staff of Ages?” Junjie asked. “Now I really don’t understand.”
“Yes, brains are disgusting,” the master said. “But knowledge is power. On the grand scale of virtually limitless time and space, humans are but specks of dust. The average man has only a short time on this earth to learn and store knowledge in his brain. When a man eats another man’s brain, he consumes that man’s knowledge. By consuming many brains, one can fill his own brain with knowledge that could only be obtained otherwise by living for several lifetimes.”
“Or you could just abstain,” Junjie said as he pointed at the brain. “Because its disgusting.”
“Other than myself and my predecessor, the Eighteenth Infallible Master, you are the only man I have met who has been able to resist a brain,” the master said.
“That can’t be possible,” Junjie said. “Disgusting things are easy to resist.”
“Not when it comes to brains,” the master said. “The body realizes the power of the knowledge trapped within a brain. It wants it. Yearns for it. Craves it. Brain eating becomes a terrible addiction, so incurable that even when a body dies and the soul inside makes its way to Diyu, the body itself carries on in search of brains.”
Junjie shook his head. “So that’s…”
“…how a zombie is born,” the master said.
The hero sat quietly for awhile. “Do other bodily organs turn people into monsters?”
“I’ve yet to hear of anyone becoming a monster from eating a liver, kidney, or lungs,” the master said. “But the heart is a different story, one that I’ve only discussed with Captain Tsang of the Imperial Guard. For now, it need not concern you other than you must be aware that those who eat hearts are very dangerous.”
“Do most people lose control around hearts as they do around brains?” Junjie asked.
“No,” the master said. “Before one desires to eat a heart, one must have suffered unimaginable sorrow. Those whose hearts have been irreparably broken seek to replace their hearts by consuming the hearts of others, but doing so only leads to acts of unspeakable evil.”
Junjie stared at Mei-Ling. “Master, we must save her.”
“Yes,” the master said. “But first, we must save China, so that there will be a place for Mei-Ling to come back to once she is saved.”
Niu stirred and looked over at his captors. “Ungh…am I hallucinating or is the master a ghost?”
Daily Discussion with BQB – Is Self-Publishing an Insult to the Written Word?
Ugh. Publishing elitism.
Laurie Gough recently wrote in the Huffington Post:
“To get a book published in the traditional way, and for people to actually respect it and want to read it — you have to go through the gatekeepers of agents, publishers, editors, national and international reviewers. These gatekeepers are assessing whether or not your work is any good. Readers expect books to have passed through all the gates, to be vetted by professionals. This system doesn’t always work out perfectly, but it’s the best system we have.”
-Laurie Gough, “Self-Publishing: An Insult To the Written Word.” The Huffington Post. December 29, 2016
I’ll let you read the article yourself but to sum it up, after claiming that she would rather “share a cabin on a Disney cruise with Donald Trump than self-publish” she goes on to explain that good writing takes years of rejection, that it is a self-imposed apprenticeship, that only by going through the gatekeepers is good writing achieved.
Ugh. OK, on one hand she is correct. Writing, like any other skill, takes time to develop. The more you work on it, the better you’ll get.
However, let’s not pretend that “the gatekeepers” are really doing anything to actually help you get better at writing. Ninety-nine percent of the time, when you submit a manuscript to an agent or a publisher, you’ll get a form letter stating something to the effect of, “Thanks, but no thanks.”
You won’t get a marked up manuscript showing all the mistakes you made so you can improve.
You won’t get a nice letter saying, “You got moxie, kid. Just do this and this and that and you’re going places!”
You won’t get anyone offering to sit down with you and go over what you need to do to improve.
You’ll get a form rejection letter and that’s only if your submission doesn’t get lost in the zillions of other submissions the agents and publishers receive on a daily basis.
She’s not without a point. If you do get into the traditional publishing system, there will editors, agents and pros that will help you improve yourself.
But that’s if you get into it. And as I’ve always said, giving up on self-publishing in the hopes that a lucrative self-publishing contract is on the horizon is a lot like giving up a kiss from a woman that likes you because maybe, just maybe one day Scarlett Johansson might want to kiss you.
She’s correct about how good writing requires a lot of time and hard work. And if traditional publishing is something you desire, then you should give it a try.
However, who has ten years to wait? And let’s not pretend that they are a bevy of “gatekeepers” waiting in the wings to guide you.
The writing world sucks. If you get into it at a young age, there are a handful of success stories where people hit it big early but for the rest, it’s a long, hard slog uphill where you make crap pay and work crap hours in the hopes that maybe, just maybe one of those gatekeepers will hook you up.
Self-publishing lets you make things happen on your own.
Yes, many people are lousy writers who have no filter or ability to comprehend they are crap writers. They hit the publish button on a pile of crap and then drag down the whole self-publishing industry.
You can’t just whip something out in an afternoon, draw a cover with crayon, then slap it up there and expect to get anywhere.
It just seems like many critics of self-publishing, this author is painting all self-publishers with a broad brush.
And finally, can we just be honest and say that regardless of your personal politics, it would be fun to share a cabin with Donald Trump on a Disney cruise? The man would probably buy you drinks and cigars and shit. He’d fill the cabin with hot chicks. It’d be a party every night. Order whatever you want and the bill is on him. He’d bring the family and Melania would wear a different supermodel outfit everyday and Ivanka would give you free fashion advice. He’d write wacky tweets about Mickey Mouse. You would surely walk away from the experience with some interesting stories to tell.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Desuck Your 2017
World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m going to stick a straw into the world and suck all the suck right out of it until it sucks no more.
Perhaps you have read one of my many fine anti-suck books:
The History of Not Sucking
1001 People Who Do Not Suck
Would You Suck for a Buck? (Not about prostitution).
Unsucking Humanity (Is about prostitution).
Suck Out the Suck
How Many Sucks Must a Man Desuck Before He Can Be Called a Non-Sucker?
Help! My Life Sucks!
The Suck on the Train
Once, Twice, Three Times a Sucker
A Sucky Day in Brooklyn
Pulp Suction
Sucking in Outer Space
The Wheel of Suck
Around, Around the Suck Goes. Where Does It Stop? Nobody Who Doesn’t Suck Knows
I Can’t Stop This Sucky Feeling
3.5 readers, did you suck last year?
Be honest. You know you did.
You sucked at life. You sucked in your relationships. You sucked at home. You sucked at work.
You would not, could not un-suck in a truck, you would not, could not, un-suck with a duck.
Face it. The bad news is that you suck.
The good news is that sucking is not a permanent condition. If you’ve come down with a bad case of the sucks, you are in luck, because this malady is curable.
What did you suck at? Your health? Stop sucking at exercise. Stop sucking at abstaining from fatty foods. Stop sucking at willpower.
Did you suck at your job? Stop sucking at showing up on time. Stop sucking at putting in the extra effort. Stop sucking at communicating with your co-workers.
Did you suck in your relationship? Stop sucking at being faithful to your significant other. Stop sucking at honesty. Stop sucking at kindness. Stop sucking at love.
2016 is in the suck can of history. You can’t change it. You can’t fix it. If you sucked last year, your memories of last year will always suck.
But don’t make your past suckiness ruin your life. You do not have to suck forever. You can grab the suck bull by its sucky horns and ride it all day long until it tires out and it doesn’t feel like sucking up your life anymore.
Here’s my three step plan to suck the suck right out of 2017:
Step #1 – Admit That You Suck
You have to suck at denying that you suck. Don’t hide your suck. Pull your suck right out of yourself and hold it out for all the world to see, then yell, “I suck with the gale force wind of a thousand Hoover vacuums and I will not suck for one day longer!”
As long as you hide your suck, you can ignore your suck. And ignored suck never goes away. Confront that suck.
Step #2 – Develop a Plan to Not Suck
Do you suck at being thin? Make a plan to stop sucking at stopping by the gym every day after work.
Do you suck at meeting new friends? Make a plan to introduce yourself to one new person once a week and strike up a conversation that does not suck.
Do you suck at cleanliness? Stop sucking at doing the dishes, the laundry, and all those daily chores that suck but keep your home from not sucking.
Is there something you’ve always wanted to do? Stop sucking at learning it.
Step #3 – Follow Through with Your Anti-Suck Plans
Whatever you need to do to not suck, do it. Make your anti-suck plan work, then work your anti-suck plan.
Ridding your life of its suck won’t happen overnight, but if you make a commitment to never suck again starting today, then by the end of 2017, you will surely see a tremendous reduction in your life’s suck levels.
This suck won’t un-suck itself, people. You’ve got to stop sucking at making your suck-free life happen. There’s no time like the present to not suck.
Thank you for reading, 3.5 readers, and don’t forget to pick up one of my anti-suck books, available now at a book store near you that does not suck.
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.
BQB Reviews a Go Pro Hero 5 Black
Why did I buy this? Someone please confiscate my wallet.
After seeing these things for years, but without a reason to justify buying one, I finally went for it.
Let’s discuss the pros and cons.
PRO:
- It’s got voice control, so that can help you take pictures of yourself with your friends, family, dog, cat, llama and so on.
- The Go Pro website has a whole host of mounts that you can use to capture action shots. There’s a mount for your helmet, a mount to wear on a strap that goes around your head, a mount to put on your car, your bike. There is a mount you can put ON YOUR DOG (Bookshelf Q. Battledog videos would include a lot of sniffing and pooping). There is even a mount you can put on your GUN so you can take videos of yourself shooting at (well, I hope targets. My attorney advises me to remind you that you shouldn’t be shooting at anything but targets). #Merica!
- It’s a good buy if you’re like some kind of highly active social media video blogger.
- I got a little handle to attach to mind so it makes it easier to walk around. It doesn’t have a screen on the front that can show you a picture of yourself which I think is a flaw they need to fix because otherwise, the handle makes it so that if you were some kind of fancy video blogger, you could record yourself easily while you are walking.
CONS:
- I’m not an active social media video blogger.
- I couldn’t strap a camera to my head without feeling like an asshole.
- I couldn’t strap a camera to my dog without feeling like an asshole.
- I’m not an athlete so my camera will never capture any stunts, back flips, white water rafting trips, parasailing, parachuting or any of that bullshit.
- So yes, I basically gave Go Pro a donation.
CONCLUSIONS:
All that being said, it is a decent camera. I’m a tech nerd. I enjoy this stuff so I find it fun to play with. If you’re active and you want to record your athletic abilities for the masses, this gadget is for you. If you’re a couch potato who wants to record video, you’d probably be better off just getting a standard hard drive video camcorder.
Or hell, just take videos with your phone like everyone else does.
Fun fact: Go Pro’s stock took a dive in 2016, the explanation being that pretty much every one who wants a Go Pro has one and the market for future Go Pro purchases is small. After all, there aren’t that many assholes who want to jump out of a plane and record their parachute free fall.
However, word has it that Go Pro is working on virtual reality and so on so who knows. Hopefully they have some surprises in the years to come.
Zom Fu – Chapter 23
“Mmm,” Niu said as he brought the brain closer and closer to his mouth. “Yummy brain.”
“Are you really going to eat that?” Junjie asked. “That’s disgusting.”
“Stop him,” the master commanded.
“Ugh,” Junjie said as he looked away. “This is so disgusting. I can’t watch.”
“Junjie!” the master shouted. “Stop him or he will be lost!”
Junjie sensed the dire tone in the master’s voice. “Brother, stop!”
Niu scowled at his fellow disciple. “Get your own brain! This one is mine!”
“If he eats that brain he will go the way of Bohai,” the master warned.
Junjie lept into the air and flew towards the giant, kicking the brain out of his hand.
Niu grunted. “I said, ‘Get your own!’”
“Niu!” Junjie shouted. “Not you too! I can’t lose anyone else!”
The big man stooped over to pick up the brain, only to get another foot smack to the face.
“Ungh,” Niu said as he rose to his full seven feet. “I’ll fight you for it then.”
Niu charged like a bull and slammed his head into Junjie’s chest, knocking him across the courtyard.
“It’s just a brain,” Junjie said.
“It’s my brain,” Niu said. “My brain!”
Niu’s arms provided him with a tremendous reach, putting Junjie at a disadvantage. The fatalist brought his fasts down as if they were hammers, cracking the bricks of the courtyard as Junjie ducked out of the way.
“Brother, I’ve never seen you like this,” Junjie said.
Niu curled his fingers into a tiger claw and prepared to strike. “Get used to it. You dare to take a brain away from me? Then I will take yours!”
The tiger claw came at Junjie at a rapid pace. The hero grabbed it, then grunted and strained against Niu’s weight as he twisted the big man’s arm. Junjie then flipped up onto Niu’s shoulders, released the fatalist’s arm and went to work wailing away at the back of his opponent’s big bald head.
“Stop making me do this!” Junjie shouted as he delivered a barrage of punches to Niu’s skull.
“Bahh!” Niu said as he stood up and thrashed around in a desperate attempt to throw Junjie off, “Why do you deny me a brain?!”
“Ninety-eight, ninety-nine,” Junjie said as he counted his punches. “One hundred! Fall down already!”
“Never!” Niu shouted. The enormous fighter backed his way toward a wall and slammed Junjie up against it, squishing the hero between his giant frame and a hard place. Junjie felt tremendous pain in his bones due to the intense pressure.
Junjie stopped punching and reverted to strangling. He wrapped his arms around Niu’s tree trunk like neck and yanked away.
“What are you doing?” Niu asked.
“Choking you!” Junjie replied.
“Stop it!” Niu said. “That tickles!”
“You’re going to fall!” Junjie said. “Any…minute…now!”
“Enough!” Niu said. “This is like getting a hug from a frail old woman!”
“Have you had enough yet?” Junjie asked.
“I’m just getting started!” Niu shouted.
Niu reached back, grabbed Junjie’s arm, and flipped the hero into the air. Junjie landed on his backside and skidded across the courtyard.
“Enough horsing around,” Niu said. “Your brain is mine!”
Niu charged. Junjie looked to his right. It was just his luck that he’d landed next to a zombie carcass that just happened to be holding his weapon of choice: nunchucks.
Niu got a face full of nunchaku and backed off. Junjie pursued his opponent and landed multiple nunchaku slaps. The big man’s face turned bloodier with every strike.
“Junjie” Niu said as he doubled over and took a deep breath. “I’m…I’m so sorry…I have no idea why I’m acting like this.”
The hero studied Junjie’s face. It looked very forlorn. He looked at Niu’s hand. It was stretched out, waiting for a shake.
Poof! The Infallible Master’s ghost popped into Junjie’s view. “Never trust a brain addict! Finish him!”
“Blast you, old ghost man!” Niu cried. He then looked to Junjie. “Give me your brain!”
Pop! Junjie flailed his nunchucks and defeated Niu with a seventeen hit combo.
Timber! Niu fell forward as if he were a mighty oak, then crashed on the ground with a thunderous thud.
Junjie knelt down to check on his opponent. “He’s still breathing.”
“Tie him up,” the master said. “He suffers from brain lust.”
Bookshelf Battle 