Trick question. It is. Everyone knows that.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Monthly Archives: November 2017
Preux chevalier: sans peur et sans reproche
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here. Rachel Cohen has long provided feedback and encouragement of my stuff on Wattpad, so wanted to return the favor by telling you all about her new blog, “The Pillow File.” Romance, erotica, smutty chick lit…I mean, as a knuckle dragging caveman I don’t get it but I can generally tell if a blog is good or not and I can tell this is a good one. Neat, well written, an overall Sex and the City vibe…if you’re a woman who is into this sort of thing you’ll like this blog so check it out. I’ll admit its funny how I can rattle off stories about zombies and werewolves and crazy things that could never happen. Maybe for an ugly guy it just seems more believable and likely that I’ll fight zombies before I’ll ever find myself in a love triangle. But then again, how many of us ever find true love let alone a love triangle? Perhaps I can see why women like to fantasize about this sort of thing. Anyway, go check it out, give her some feedback. We’ll be able to say we knew her in the early days when she’s on all the talk shows. Plus she has a novel about sexy space vampires I found interesting.
Daily Discussion with BQB – Hollywood is Full of Perverts
Sigh. This is getting depressing, 3.5 readers.
It’s like everyday now, I learn some celebrity whose work I enjoy is a pervert. So then it’s like, I’ve been inadvertently supporting a pervert all these years by watching his stuff (I didn’t know!) and then I can’t watch more of his stuff because then I’d be knowingly supporting a pervert.
Bill Cosby – the funny man every kid wanted to be their father in the 1980s. Pervert.
Louis CK – This one hit me hard because I was enjoying his stuff now. Plus, he had this whole unique routine. If you ever watched his show, it was about the fragile male psyche and some of the things men experience that the world may not realize – i.e. women complain of body issues but men who are bald and overweight and not handsome feel sad about how hard it is for them to find women. Worse, women assume ugly men are perverts that can’t be trusted….so naturally after years of a show where the gist was don’t assume ugly men are bad, he had to go and turn out to be a bad ugly man. Pervert.
Kevin Spacey – Wowed me in the Usual Suspects, I movie I watched over and over as a kid. That whole scene at the end where he turns out to have been Kaiser Soze all along. Oh sorry. Spoiler alert. I loved House of Cards. Now I guess that’s ruined. I’d invested a lot of time into finding out what will happen to the murderous fictional president Frank Underwood. Apparently, Frank will be done in by Kevin’s perversions. Pervert.
Steven Seagal – Loved his martial arts movies as a kid. He had a move where he’d break the bad guy’s arm and I’d always watch just for that. Pervert.
Harvey Weinstein – I mean, he’s the big pervert that unleashed the floodgates of pervert accusations. He was the man behind the films but still, he made a lot of movies and even now I’m seeing films being released bearing the Weinstein Company logo. His company was behind Pulp Fiction, the film that cemented my love affair with movies. Sigh. Pervert.
I don’t understand the pervyness. It can be hard to be a man. We’re vain and ego driven and we have a little buddy in our pants that craves more sex 24/7 than the world could possibly ever provide. Still, I don’t understand this. I mean, yeah, if you’re not that good looking and suddenly you’re thrust into a world of fame and fortune, I’m sure it can be difficult to be around all of these hot celebrity babes.
Still, come one, surely there will be women who will VOLUNTARILY want to be with a celebrity.
There had to have been a lot of women who wanted to see Louis yank his weenus. There had to have been a lot of women who would have wanted Seagal to unzip his pants. Surely there were grown men (repeat GROWN men) of the gay persuasion who wouldn’t have minded a night with Kevin Spacey. Surely there were women who would have volunteered to get jiggy with Harvey.
Am I right? Maybe I’m wrong. Does fame not always equal free access to voluntary sex? I’ve got to believe that it does and these guys just must be pervs who get off on involuntary perversions, i.e. forcing or coercing someone who isn’t down for it.
As a movie lover, I am sad. It’s like I can’t watch a movie now without wondering whether the star is a pervert.
Daily Discussion with BQB – How Hard is it For a Movie Mogul to Get Chicks?
Hey 3.5 readers.
So, ever since Harvey Weinstein was exposed as a pervert, it’s got me thinking about how hard it must be to get chicks, even as a super rich and powerful movie tycoon.
Harvey’s fat. Not good looking at all. But he was rich and powerful and had the ability to make the dreams of aspiring actors and actresses come true.
I guess my question is this – why did he find it necessary to sexually harass women?
Call me crazy, but I feel like even if you’re fat and ugly and not good looking, if you’re a big time Hollywood honcho, aren’t there still going to be some young, hot babes who would like to be with you voluntarily? I feel like there would be some hot chicks who would be like, “Yeah he’s fat and ugly but he’s rich and can fly me to Paris whenever I want and buy me stuff and I can live in his nice house and so on.”
I don’t know. That was the whole point of this blog, to one day become such a rich, well-known writer that hot chicks out of my league would overlook my fatness and ugliness and voluntarily be with me. If that’s not the case, if you can get super rich and powerful and famous and still need to harass hot chicks then screw it.
Then again, maybe it wasn’t about just harassing hot chicks. Maybe it was about harassing famous chicks…i.e. scoring the chick the whole world wants to score with. I have no idea. I don’t know what was going on in Harvey’s mind.
If you’re a rich and famous person, well you probably aren’t reading this blog but on the off chance you are, tell me, do hot chicks overlook your fatness and ugliness to voluntarily be with you?
By the way before anyone gets bent out of shape, I realize it is wrong to sexually harass anyone ever for any reason. I’m just wondering why Harvey felt he had to do so when I feel like lots of hot chicks would have liked to have been with him voluntarily just because they like rich, powerful dudes.
Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Nihilist
Ahh…nihilism! It’s the belief in nothing, but then again, if nothing is something and you believe in nothing, doesn’t that mean you believe in something? #mindblown
Is your boyfriend sullen? A bit depressing? He never looks on the bright side? Maybe he’s more than just a pathetic little goth twerp. Maybe he’s a full blown Nietzsche worshipping nihilist.
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Might Be a Nihilist:
#10 – He Doesn’t Believe in Paying the Check
He could be holding fast to a belief, or he could just be a cheap fucker. Oh well, it’s 2017. Women can pick up checks now.
#9 – He Doesn’t Believe in Deodorant
Could be a nihilist. Could just be smelly.
#8 – He Doesn’t Believe in Cunnilingus
Which is surprising as Nietzsche more than likely gave many an 1800s German lady a free mustache ride with that big ass lip room.
#7 – He Doesn’t Believe in Doing Household Chores
No laundry. No dishes. Maybe it’s his instinct to say no to the world he sees as a big nothing, but then again, he could just be a man. I mean, that’s women’s work. Am I right, fellas?
#6 – He Doesn’t Believe in Believing
And if he doesn’t believe in belief then do his beliefs fold in over themselves and collapse into nothing?
#5 – He Doesn’t Believe in Anniversaries
Or that could just be an excuse to explain why he always forgets them.
#4 – He’s Embraced His Inner Ubermensch
Then again…let he who hasn’t embraced his inner ubermensch cast the first stone.
#3 – He Doesn’t Believe in Jobs
Which is cool because prospective employers don’t believe in him either.
#2 – He Doesn’t Believe in Relationships
So why are you still with him?
#1 – He Always Sees the Glass as Half Empty
It makes sense. Someone had to drink half the milk. Was it you? For shame. You’ve destroyed your nihilist boyfriend’s faith in the world, or what little he had. Then again, if he had any, he wasn’t a nihilist to begin with, so there you go. There’s that.
Daily Discussion with BQB – Is Thor Cultural Appropriation?
Sigh. I don’t want to be a wet blanket, especially because I love Marvel movies and Thor is the best of the solo hero standalone flicks.
But…yep, there was an ancient Norse religion. Odinism. Asatru. Call it what you will, but just as the Romans had Apollo and the Greeks had Zeus, so too did the Scandinavians of old have Odin, Thor, Loki and Hela.
Thor was a God worshipped by many. So I mean, yeah, if Marvel were to create a new hero called “The Amazing Jesus” and have him fight the Hulk and run around with Capt. America and Spiderman, people would be upset.
But Odinism was replaced by Christianity. I don’t know the whole history but my limited understanding is that the Romans took over Europe. The Europeans were forest dwelling tree people and ironically, were considered savage barbarians by the Romans.
Eventually the Roman Empire converted from its multi-God system to Christianity, becoming the Holy Roman Empire and Christianity spread throughout Europe.
So I don’t know…there have been movies about the Gods of old and they are interesting but its just interesting how history plays out. Some religions remain and it would be offensive to have superhero movies about them. Others can turn the Gods of religions into cartoon characters.
I have some Scandinavian blood in me but I mean, it doesn’t bother me. If I were a full blooded Asatru worshipping Thor lover though, yeah, I feel like I’d be sad to see Thor being a caricature.
Oh well. Just a random thought. Again, I’m not saying dump Thor. Of all the Avengers, he has the best storyline, probably because it was written by ancient Norwegians and not Marvel.
Movie Review – Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
This movie was a trip…maybe even an acid trip for the eyes.
Grab your hammer, 3.5 readers. It’s time to review “Thor: Ragnarok.”
Ragnarok. If you’re an Asgardian, it’s a word that scares you shitless, i.e. the destruction of Asgard itself.
As it turns out, Thor has a long lost sister, Hela, (Cate Blanchett), an evil bitch on wheels who wants to fill the power vacuum post Odin (Anthony Hopkins.)
It’s up to Thor (Chris Hemsworth) to save the day, and he wants to but alas, he’s been marooned on Sicario, a messed up world of slaves bent to the will of the eccentric despot known as the Grand Master (Jeff Goldblum.)
The Grand Master holds gladiator style fights and Thor is forced to do battle with the toughest champion of all, yes – The Incredible Hulk (Mark Ruffalo as the Hulk’s better half, Bruce Banner.)
Rounding out the cast is Tessa Thompson as Valkryrie, an enemy the God of Thunder charms into an alliance. Idris Elba and Thomas Hiddleston reprise their roles as Heimdall and Loki, while Karl Urban joins as Heimdall’s replacement, Skurge.
This movie is the best of all of the Thor films (a series that has been getting progressively better overall whereas I would argue, for example, the Iron Man trilogy starts out strong in 1 but sucks butt by 3.)
It’s a symphony for the senses, an awesome sound track, lots of colors and special effects and even the story line is good.
My one criticism – I wish it had been kept a secret that the Hulk was the Grandmaster’s champion. I don’t think this is a spoiler because Marvel has advertised that pretty heavily for a long time now. The trailer shows Thor about to fight an unknown enemy in combat and then he is pleasantly surprised when it turns out to be his ally, the Hulk.
It was a tough call for Marvel/Disney. It would have been hysterical for me, the way its built up through the movie that Thor doesn’t stand a chance against the mysterious champion, only for it to turn out to be his old green buddy.
On the other hand, Hulk being in the film is a selling point that Disney I’m sure wanted people to know about. Ironically, there have been two standalone Hulk films since 2000. Both more or less sucked, but this Avengers version of the Hulk with Ruffalo is solid enough that I wonder if a third standalone might be the trick. Hulk himself gets some lines and some understanding on the screen here.
Overall, these movies keep building on themselves and the build up pays off. If you haven’t seen the previous ones, you’ll still enjoy it but it does pay to invest in watching them all as there capitalize on each other.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy.
A Rap About the Seventy Cent Royalty I Was Paid For My E-Book (Or, “Seventy Cents”)
Yo. 2017. Time to grip the green. Lay down some treble and crank up the bass. Bookshelf Q. Battler all up in this place, gettin’ ready to blast some beats in your face. Let’s do this shit.
Sometimes a man just got a dream…a vision in his eye and a song in heart.
But the world do all it can to rip him apart.
So he falls to the floor, his body feels spent.
Then he checks his account, sees he’s got seventy cent.
Oh seventy cents! You are a dream come true!
Gonna travel the world spending you!
Oh seventy cents! I’m rich as fuck!
What did my ass do to deserve all this luck?
Yo, I was in the bodega, and something struck me as funny.
A girl was all alone and she was a fly ass hunny.
So I said, “Girl you wanna get with me? I got a lotta money.”
And soon we were going’ at it like a couple of bunnies.
And then the girl was like, “How much money you got cuz I’m feeling pretty fine?”
And I was like, “Girl, relax, cuz I got seven dimes.”
Oh seventy cents! For a book that I spent like 600 fuckin dollars to print!
Yes, to see that money you gotta squint!
Seventy cents! Lift me outta my rut!
And Jeff Fuckin’ Bezos gotta take his cut!
Oh seventy cents, yes you are true!
Three quarters minus a nickel, I love you!
DISCLAIMER: We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog always love it when Jeff Fuckin’ Bezos takes his cut of the proceeds from the book we put out that like 3.5 people have read. We hope Mr. Bezos puts the money to good use, most likely to become the Supreme Overlord Ruler of Us All. Hail Bezos!
Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wannabe Rapper
Yo. 2017. Time to get the green. BQB on the track like a flea on a dog’s back. Crank up the bass and let’s lay this shit down, ya heard?
Ahh, dating. It’s one of the great joys of life, unless your boyfriend is a wannabe rapper. He’s got the backwards hat. He’s got a few lyrics he’s scribbled down on some notebook paper. He yearns so badly to join ranks of Snoop, NWA, 50 Cent, and Eminem.
But let’s face it. He couldn’t rap his way out of a paper bag and you’ll be supporting him forever.
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Rapper:
#10 – Begins Every Conversation With a Lead-In That Features the Year, Followed by What He Wants the Sound Technician to Do
YOU: Hun, what do you want for dinner?
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, 2017…don’t want no string beans. Put a little slick on this mic and we gonna lay this track down. Bring some motherfuckin’ pizza to town, know what I’m sayin’ cuz?
#9 – He Never Introduces You to His Friends…He Announces the Collaboration
YOU: Oh, hi hun. You didn’t tell me you were having friends over. Can you introduce me?
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, B-Money Steaze up in the house, gettin’ ready to blow the doors off this motha-fucka….yeah and Sticky Mark up on the track, gettin’ it all whack for your ears, now what I’m sayin’? Funk-ta-fied Freddy backin us up all day, everyday and Worldwide Miscreant stoppin’ by to get in on this shiznit, ya dope ass sucka!
#8 – So Many Backwards Hats
They’re easily convertible to frontwards hats but he just won’t listen, even after 30.
#7 – Always Offering You a Demo Tape…
…no matter how many times you tell him you’re not in the industry and can’t help him…or that no one uses cassettes anymore.
#6 – Always Talking About How Hard His Life Is/Was
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, growin’ up on the streets was no fun, bitches in my face wavin’ they gun, how I got out the hood is a wonder, all my dead homies be six feet under.
YOU: You were from Connecticut, dipshit.
#5 – Refers to Money as Stacks
BANK TELLER: And how would you like to cash this check sir?
HIM: Yo, yo, yo give me fat stacks, bitch!
#4 – Calls Everyone “Bitch”
You, your friends, your family, your dog, everyone.
GRANNY AT THANKSGIVING: Sonny, can you pass the gravy?
HIM: Aw, shit! Gravy comin’ all up in this motha-fucka, bitch!
#3 – Won’t Get a Day Job
Because he likes to keep it real. Rappable stories come from the streets, not from working 9-5 at Kinko’s, bitch.
#2 – Always Working On New Rhymes
All day, every day, his notebook is out and his pen is scribbling new lyrics. If only he could sell some.
#1 – Fights Are Like Rap Battles
YOU: You didn’t do the dishes!
HIM: Yo, yo, yo, bitch want me to do the dishes and now she mad, wants me to sleep with the fishes!
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