Monthly Archives: May 2015

Project X – A Sneak Peak

Coming to the Bookshelf Battle Blog June 1, a serial so cool that Bookshelf Q. Battler is holding back on the title for now…

Hatcher and Betsy

Hatcher and Betsy

Meet Jake Hatcher.  He’s a 1950’s era hardboiled private detective in the tradition of Sam Spade or Phillip Marlowe.  Film noir fans rejoice.

He isn’t just any old gumshoe.  With the help of his trusty service revolver Betsy, he dispatched numerous Nazis during World War II and was even involved in a mission so secret that it can’t be discussed just yet, even on a blog that only has 3.5 readers.

After the fall of the Third Reich, Hatcher became a bur in the britches of LA’s criminal underworld, feeding Betsy a steady diet of wiseguys to replace the agents of Der Fuhrer that she’d grown accustomed to.

The twist?  One night in 1955, Hatcher fell asleep in his office desk chair.  When he woke up, it was 2014.  For the past year, he’s been aimlessly wandering the streets of the City of Angels, desperately trying to figure out how he lost 59 years and if there’s a way to get back to his own time.

Mysterious Blonde Dame

Mysterious Blonde Dame

This summer, a mysterious blonde dame will walk into Hatcher’s life on the finest pair of getaway sticks this side of the Rio Grande.  This femme fatale claims she can help our hero figure out how he lost 59 years.  She even says she can help him return to his own era.

But he’s going to have to jump through a lot of hoops first.

Mysteries are afoot in modern times and Hatcher needs to dust off his sleuthing skills and get to work.

What kind of mysteries?  BQB will get back to you on that one.

Is this dame on the level or is Hatcher being played like a harpsichord?

Only time will tell…and the catch?

You’ll have to help him.

Yes, there will be some reader interactivity and of course, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s unique brand of humor will be present throughout.  Even so, this new feature will be an interesting diversion from BQB’s usual schtick.

For now, the owner of the magic bookshelf is keeping a lot under his hat.  He’s pretty proud of this one and hopes you will be too.

Your loyal blog host has been working his behind off for the past few months, getting “The Summer of Bookshelf” serial extravaganza together.

Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life begins on May 15.  The “Named to Be Announced Later” Project X starts June 1. Throughout the summer, these two serials will run up against one another.  You’ll have BQB and the Meaning of Life for a week or so, then Project X for a while, then they’ll switch back in forth that way until the end of the summer.

For your reading pleasure, these stories have been serialized into daily chunks, easily consumed without taking too much time from your busy schedules.

So take BQB’s hand 3.5 readers and get ready for what will prove to be an awesome summer to say the least.

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Detective and blonde woman photos courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Game of Yetis – House Bookshelf – Part 8

PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF YETIS…

Read Part 7 here.

And so it came to pass that Lord BQB and Maester Monty found themselves in Riverrun.  Lord BQB had just moments ago confided in Monty his love of large warrior women.

“Yes Monty,”  Lord BQB said.  “Big, tall, handy with a broadsword, able to vanquish my enemies but still keep me warm at night.”

“Twill be a tall order to find a damsel such as that in this realm,”  Monty replied.

Suddenly, there was a rustle in the bushes.  Out stepped an incredibly tall warrior woman with her squire in tow.

“Halt!”  the woman said.  Her hair was short in blonde.  Her face?  It looked like it might have been pretty at one time but since had grown haggard from years of toiling in battle.  “Who goes there?”

Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler, having searched high and low for a humongous warrior woman, instantly fell to his knees, rapt in the throes of passion.

“He’s speechless,”  Maester Monty said.  “That’s a first.  I am a Monty, a learned Maester of Shelftopia and this is my Lord, Bookshelf Q. Battler of House Bookshelf.”

“Ummm,”  Lord BQB said.   “Ummm uhhhh….”

“Well whoever you two imbeciles are you’re of no interest to me,”  the warrior woman said.  “Out of my way!”

“Wait!”  Lord BQB said, finally managing to eek a word out.  “Who are you, you magnificent creature?”

“This is Brienne of Tarth,”  the squire replied.  “And I am her noble squire, Podrick.”

“Brienne of Tarth,”  I said.  “Sounds lovely.  I prey you, good warrior woman, please accompany us on our quest to secure my Dew of the Mountain, for it has fallen into the hands of the evil Lord Yeti of Yetifell.”

“Oh great,”   Brienne said as she looked at Podrick then at Lord BQB.  “Another useless male I have to drag around everywhere.”

Join House Bookshelf!

Join House Bookshelf!

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Comic Book Girl 19’s Vids=Awesome

If you’re a nerd (and chances are if you’re here then you are) then you’ll totally enjoy ComicBookGirl19’s youtube channel.

She’s funny, she’s witty, her videos are well produced.  For Game of Thrones fans she has a bunch of videos where she gives you the scoop on the historical background of the various houses.  I know I felt a little lost watching the show until I found her videos and was able to learn the who’s who and what’s what of Westeros.

She also has fun characters that appear on her show like “Robot” and “Space Brain.”  I dunno.  Seems a little nerdy to me.  Dudes who claim to know aliens and yetis would be into that sort of thing I suppose.

Anyway, we’re all “indies” in one way or another just trying to get a foothold in this big wide world of Internet commentary, but I’d argue her videos provide a good standard for e-nerds to aspire to.

Here’s her movie review of Avengers: Age of Ultron

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The Last Will and Testament of BQB’s Uncle, the Late Hardass J. Scrambler

I, Hardassimo (Hardass for short) J. Scrambler, being of sound enough mind and old as shit body, do hereby state the following:

  • BQB's Late Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

    BQB’s Late Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

    That my nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler, is a colossal disappointment.  Typing on a “blog” for 3.5 readers.  Doesn’t anybody work anymore?  All my life, I slaved away in the salt mines for ten cents a day and I was glad to have it.  You didn’t see me trying to be a writer.  You young people, I tell ya’.  “Ooo I wanna be a writer!  Ooo I wanna be a rock star!  Ooo I wanna be an astronaut!’  Shut up and get a job in the salt mines already, ya buncha no good unwashed hippy bums.  Is a job at the salt mines a fun time?  Hell no, but it pays the bills so stop acting like you’re all too good for it.

  • That as of the writing of this will, my Doctor informs me that my declining health is the direct result of eating five bacon sandwiches a day.  Bullshit, I say.  Everyone knows that bacon sandwiches are chock full of necessary vitamins and minerals.
  • That if I die, it will actually be the result of the intense disappointment I feel over my nephew Bookshelf Q’ Battler’s ridiculous insistence on “writing.”  Newsflash, turds.  Only like a handful of people every generation get to be famous writers.  The rest of you?  SALT MINES!
  • That after I croak, my wife Gertrude aka Aunt Gertie, who encourages my bumbling nephew in his stupidity by being one of his 3.5 readers, should burn our house down rather than give it to Bookshelf Q. Battler when she decides to head off for the old folks’ home.
  • In the event Gertie goes against my wishes and hands over our house to my idiot nephew, which he’ll probably run around pretending it’s a secret compound or something, I reserve the right to wander the halls and haunt the shit out of that place.
  • My nephew should never forget that he did not live up to my expectations and I blame Gertie.  She was always coddling the boy.  Why, I remember one day I came home from an 18-hour shift at the salt mines and found that little twerp having a party with a bunch of his stupid friends.  I said, “Hey, ya’ moron!  Why don’t you do something productive for once and get a job in the salt mines?”  And you know what Gertie said?  “Hardass, BQB’s only three years old.  Let him enjoy his little birthday party.”  And I said, “That’s no excuse!  I was working in the salt mines the day after I was born!”
  • Finally, in the event that my lousy excuse for a nephew decides to write a serialized story called “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” (due out May 15) nobody should read it.  You’re just encouraging his buffoonery.  You want to know the meaning of life?  You’re born.  You work at the salt mines.  You kick the bucket it.  That’s it.  That’s all you do.

Signed:  Uncle Hardassimo (Hardass) J. Scrambler

Don’t listen to Uncle Hardass.  He’s probably just cranky because he makes a cameo in BQB’s upcoming blog serial.  You should totally read it unless you’re too busy working at the salt mines.

Grumpy old man photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Apple Watch

Is anyone going to get one?

If you there’s a phone in your hand that does everything a smart phone can do, why do I need a watch on my wrist that provides a smaller version of the smart phone?

Am I missing something?

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Movie Review – The Age of Adaline (2015)

It’s an eternal romance that makes you think about the fragility of life and love.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here to review the crap out of The Age of Adaline.

Warning:  spoilers to come.

The incomparable Blake Lively, star of stage, screen and many of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s fantasies stars as Adaline Bowman.  Born at the turn of the Twentieth Century, she experiences a freak accident that leaves her ageless.  No matter how many years pass, she continues to remain young and beautiful.

TRAILER – Age of Adaline – Lionsgate

When Adaline hits her forties, people begin asking questions about how she’s managed to remain so youthful and so her life of solitude begins.  Afraid to reveal her secret, she packs up and moves to a new place every ten years, taking on a new identity every time she does so.

Tragically, she refuses to look for love as she figures it will be too heartbreaking when she grows old while a significant other remains young.

Continue reading

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Alien Jones – Taking Your Questions

The Intergalactic Space Force is a pants optional organization.

The Intergalactic Space Force is a pants optional organization.

He’s small.  He’s smart.

He literally has no need for pants.

He’s Alien Jones and he’s taking your questions right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

How did the universe begin?

Why are we here?

What does the future hold in store for us?

Is there a Burger Queen or does the Burger King lead an incredibly lonely life?

No question is too big or too small for the Esteemed Brainy One to answer.

Heck, he might even plug your book, blog or other writing project in his “Ask the Alien” column, a semi-regular feature on bookshelfbattle.com

And you don’t even need to be a published scribe with something to promote to consult the knowledge of He of the Great Gray Matter.

Submit your questions to Bookshelf Q. Battler, Owner and Proprietor of this blog.  You can do so through a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, or drop it in the comments on this site, or stop by BQB’s Google Plus Page:

https://plus.google.com/+BookshelfBattleblog

All inquiries will be forwarded to Alien Jones’ spaceship and he will get to them when he isn’t busy fighting the dastardly Moloklaxons (Officially Branded as the A-Holes of the Universe).

Alien photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Happy Star Wars Day

May the 4th be with you…ha!  Get it?  Get it?

Because…you know…the 4th…sounds like “force?”

Oh forget it and watch the trailer again:

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Game of Thrones – Season 5 – Episode 4 – “The Sons of the Harpy” – Wrap Up 5/3/15

I totally lied.

I’m road tripping it a few days (which will make the one post a day challenge interesting) and wasn’t sure I’d be able to watch Game of Thrones tonight.

But I did!

So here we go (SPOILERS – Seriously, perhaps the BIGGEST SPOILER OF THE SERIES COMING):

  • Jamie and Bronn – Great fight scene and Jamie realizes his fake hand is good for something.
  • Sand Snakes – Ellaria is going forward with a plan to go to war.
  • The Sparrows – Cersei’s done an end run around the Council, creating her own private religious army to sic on sinners who happen to piss her off.  (I’m a little surprised Ser Loras didn’t kick a few asses before being caught).  Also, we’re pretty sure she’s going to have Ser Meryn wack poor trusting Lord Tyrell on the way to the Iron Bank aren’t we?
  • Tommen – Caught between his wife and mother.  Kid’s totally whipped.
  • Selmy and Gray Worm – Quite an amazing fight scene with the Sons of the Harpy.  Is Selmy gone?
  • Jorah and the Imp – Sounds like a buddy cop show.  Tyrion’s right.  What a waste of a good kidnapping.  He was on his way to see the Khaleesi anyway.
  • Jon Snow – Dude resisted the Red Woman’s advances.  There’s a man who takes his vows seriously.  Maybe too seriously because wow…you know, the Red Woman is hot and stuff.  (By the way, he knows nothing!!!)
  • Stannis – Stannis’ speech about all he did to save his daughter when everyone else told him to give up rose his stock in my book.
  • Sansa/Littlefinger – Sansa mentions that Rhaegar kidnapped and raped her aunt, Lyanna Stark, who had been betrothed to Robert Baratheon.  Littlefinger didn’t say anything in response but had a knowing look on his face.  This was actually a big time dropped bombshell.  A)  If Rhaegar didn’t kidnap Lyanna then Robert’s rebellion was in vain and B) maybe those two had a kid…a kid that…KNOWS NOTHING!!! DUN DUN DUN!

What did I miss?  What was your favorite part?

Good old Bookshelf Q. Battler, going that extra mile for his adoring 3.5 fans!

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Book Review – “Plan B” – Jonathan Tropper (2000)

I am just spoiling my 3.5 readers silly with book reviews all over the place lately.

Tropper's Plan B earns a place on my shelf.

Tropper’s Plan B earns a spot on my shelf.

Plan B is humorist Jonathan Tropper’s novel, released in 2000, about a group of friends who experience the harsh realities that come with the territory of turning thirty years old.

In fact.  “Thirty.  Shit.”  is a common refrain throughout the work.

Before I start my review, I’d like to offer the following comparison between Bookshelf Q. Battler of ten years ago and BQB of today:

UPON SEEING A SUPER HOT WOMAN

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – Wow.  I must find a way to win her heart.  I will go out of my way to please her and spend my days thinking of ways to make her happy.  All I have is hers.  I will work to turn myself into a man who deserves such a spectacular creature.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – Oh Jesus H. Christ she looks like a whole helluvalot of work.  Probably needy and demanding.  Probably will expect me to bend over backwards for her.  Probably wants all my money.  I’ll have to compete with every other jackass that wants her. Come on, sure she’s pretty but it’s not like rainbows shoot out of her butt or anything. God, I’m too exhausted for all that hullabaloo.  NEXT!

ON HEALTH

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – I’m going to run twenty miles and stay up all night!

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – I ate an expired yogurt.  Should I go to the emergency room?

ON DREAMS

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – I’ve worked so hard!  All my dreams will come true now!

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – My dream for today is to come home, watch Netflix, eat a taco, and fall asleep in a barcalounger.  All who interfere with my dream will suffer my wrath.

The great transfer from youth to adulthood is the crux of Tropper’s novel.

As a big humor fan, I’m not sure how it took me so long to read one of Tropper’s books.  He writes with a witty style, yet still manages to jam in enough seriousness to keep a plot moving.  The sign of a good author is that after reading one of his books, you want to read his other works, and that’s how Tropper left me feeling here.

In life, you start with Plan A.  You’re young.  You look at the world through rose colored glasses.  You truly believe anything is possible, that if you work hard enough, the world will give you a fair shake.  Ask a young person what they’re going to do when they grow up, and they will often tell you with great determination that they’re going to be an actor, musician, athlete, or insert other celebrated occupation here.

Then time passes.  The world knocks you around.  You experience your first breakup.  You suffer career setbacks.  You don’t get that plum job you wanted.  You find yourself feeling lucky to have any job at all.  Time keeps moving.  You suddenly realize that time is limited and there isn’t enough left to get yourself to where you always dreamed of being.

You end up having to go for, as Tropper puts it, “Plan B.”  You try to forgive yourself for not achieving the life you always wanted.  You learn to live life as best as you can with what you have left.

The story focuses around a group of now grown up college friends – Jack, Chuck, Lindsey, Allison, and Ben, the narrator.  They’re all adjusting to life after turning thirty years old.  They’re all finding that life isn’t what they thought it would be when they were young.

Ben thought he’d be a famous novelist by thirty.  Instead, he has a low level, cubicle dwelling magazine job.  Worse, he’s getting divorced from his wife, Sarah.  He’s hung up on his old girlfriend, Lindsey, who suffers from commitment-phobia.  She goes from job to job and man to man, never committing to any kind of stability for fear she’ll be stuck in the same ole, same ole forever.

Chuck is a successful doctor, but as a former fat kid who dieted his way skinny, he’s forever stuck in a rut of chasing after women, assumably out of a fear that he has to scoop up as many as he can before his latest body issue, a receding hair line, leaves him bald and unattractive.

Allison has spent her life yearning for Jack, the most successful of the bunch.  He’s a millionaire movie star but the twist?  Fame and fortune have turned out to be all they’re cracked up to be.  He suffers from a severe cocaine addiction that’s drawing paparazzi attention and threatening his health.

The group grows concerned about their friend and when an intervention fails, they take the unconventional route of kidnapping him, transporting him to Allison’s parents’ vacation home, and holding him prisoner until the cocaine is out of his system.  Along the way, Jack goes through withdrawals and eventually escapes and disappears, causing the world to suspect the friends of foul play.  It then becomes a goofy romp as the group searches for Jack and maintains their innocence.

Yeah, on the surface cocaine and kidnapping do not sound like the ingredients of a humorous story, but the talented Tropper can make anything funny.

Some of the references may be dated.  Others manage to stand the test of time.  Maybe Tropper could write a sequel, Plan C, about how the characters find life as a bunch of fifty year olds.  By then, they’ll probably yearn for the days when they were thirty.

STATUS:  Shelf worthy.

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