Monthly Archives: March 2016

Mar 24 2016
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Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 64

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Miles gave up the struggle to hold up the oversized pants he borrowed and ran right out of them, letting them fall to the ground behind him.

The church was up ahead. Some candles had been lit and Miss Bonnie could barely make out the outlines of Slade, Gunther and Blake through the broken window.

Miss Bonnie didn’t dare look back. She could hear Becker’s paws smashing the ground as he gained speed. Part of her wanted to make a stand but she knew she’d be slashed to pieces before she got a shot off.

“Change!” Miss Bonnie yelled to Miles.

“No!” Miles said.

Miss Bonnie grabbed the Winchesters out from under the boys arm. “You have to!”

A swarm of undead trudged around outside the church. Instantly, Miles figured out what Miss Bonnie had already surmised. He needed to either fight, or let his new friend become food for the undead, or allow her to be kidnapped by Becker.

The boy dove and morphed into wolf form before his paws hit the ground. He was still young and innocent enough to feel an innate desire to avoid hurting anyone…or anything. His stomach churned as he stampeded through the undead like a runaway buffalo, smashing a path through them, providing safe passage for Miss Bonnie as she followed.

Miles felt a chill as Becker’s voice entered his brain.

“Stop running and face me…boy.”

Miss Bonnie ran up the steps to the church’s front porch. She could hear Gunther and Blake arguing behind the front door, but didn’t have time to care what the fracas was about. She had bigger problems, but she also had the high ground. She loaded two shells into her shotgun just in time to blow the head off an undead.

Miles tried to join her but roared in pain as he felt a pair of sharp claws dig into his back right paw. He fell to the ground and flipped over on his back only to tremble as he saw the rapidly panting Becker standing over him.

“Men fight,” Becker said. “Boys run. Which is it going to be?”

In werewolf form, it was hard for an observer to conceive of Miles as a boy. He was just as big as Becker and just as physically powerful but, deep inside, he was still a kid. He panicked and covered his face with his paws.

“Pathetic,” Becker said as he grabbed Miles, lifted him over his head, then slammed him on the ground.

Miss Bonnie picked up one of the Winchesters and racked up a silver tipped bullet. Just as Becker was about to bring a slash down on Miles’ face, she fired a shot and tore a permanent hole through the beast’s arm.

Becker turned his attention to Miss Bonnie. She knocked on the door behind her.

“Rain!”

The redhead yanked on the lever of the rifle to spit out a spent casing and load up a new bullet.

She pounded on the door.  Hard.  “Rain!  Open the door and get the hell out of the way!”

Like an angry bull, Becker scrummed his back paw across the ground behind him three times, then charged.

Miss Bonnie raised up the Winchester and took aim at Becker’s head.

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Mar 23 2016
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Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 63

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Miss Bonnie peaked out the door of the marshal’s office, clutching her shotgun close.

“I don’t see the other one,” Miss Bonnie said. “We better move.”

She took a pair of Gunther’s pants off a coatrack and handed them to the naked boy.

“He won’t mind.”

Gunther’s duds were way too big for the kid but they covered him up just the same. The redhead noticed Miles was fighting back tears.

“The one that died…,”

Miles pulled the pants high up over his waist. They started to fall. He gave up and decided he’d have to keep one hand on them to hold them up.

“…who was he?”

The boy sniffed. “My father.”

“Oh,” Miss Bonnie said. “I’m sorry.”

Miss Bonnie tossed the ammo bag over her shoulder. Miles scooped up the two Winchesters with his free hand.

The pair walked out the door.

“I’m sorry I tried to shoot him,” Miss Bonnie said.

“OK,” Miles replied.

Miles started walking. Miss Bonnie followed.

“It’s just that you all look alike to me,” Miss Bonnie said.

Miles stopped and shot the redhead a quizzical look.

“When you’re all wolves I mean,” Miss Bonnie explained. “All that fur and everything. It’s hard to tell who’s who.”

“Oh,” Miles said. He kept walking. Miss Bonnie kept following.

“I didn’t know some of you are good and some are bad,” Miss Bonnie said.

“I know,” Miles said.

“I just thought you all wanted to eat me,” Miss Bonnie said.

“I don’t think they would have,” Miles said. “One of them said they want you for something.”

“He did?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“Yes.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know.”

Miss Bonnie shook her head. “I didn’t hear him say anything.”

“You couldn’t have,” Miles said. “We talk inside our heads.”

“Inside your…”

“There’s a lot of stuff you don’t know,” Miles said. “That most people don’t know. Pa wanted me to tell Slade everything.”

Miles sniffed the air.

“But I don’t know where he is,” Miles said, sniffing again. “I can smell he’s been all over town.  I don’t know where to start.”

“You can…smell him?”

“Part dog,” the boy said.

“Righhhht,” Miss Bonnie said, hesitantly. “He’s at the church…but…”

“But what?” Miles asked.

“I’m not exactly welcome there,” Miss Bonnie said.

Miles perked up. He heard something.

“Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?” Miss Bonnie asked.

It was a dark night and Miss Bonnie was barely able to see more than two feet in front of her. Miles on the other hand, had crisp, clear sight, better than the average human’s. He pointed down the street.

Miss Bonnie squinted. “What?”

Then she heard it. It was low. “Brainssss….”

Groans. Grunts. It was a half dozen undead…and they were all on fire.

Miles stood perfectly still. The monsters spotted Hewitt’s hairy corpse. No longer able to regenerate, the dead werewolf’s body became a snack for the undead. Some ripped off limbs and gnawed on them. Others dropped to the ground and feasted on the furry remains.

One of the creatures stopped. Flames cooked his body to a crisp but somehow, it was too resilient to turn to ash. He stretched out a hand toward Miss Bonnie and Miles.

“Brainnnnnns!”

Three more creatures stood up. The quartet shuffled towards the humans.

Miss Bonnie took off then stopped when she realized Miles was where she left him, standing perfectly still. She came back and tugged on his arm.

“Come on,” she said.

Miles was so frightened his mind could not comprehend what to do.

Miss Bonnie yanked on the boy’s arm as hard as she could. One of the creatures was a bit faster than the others and as it came close, the redhead exploded its head with a double-barrel blast. Blood and flaming brain chunks landed everywhere.

“COME ON!”

That sight jolted Miles back to reality and he joined the redhead in a full retreat.

But they weren’t the only living beings in the area. Moments later, Becker, hot on Miles’ scent, stomped on to the scene.

He was displeased to see an undead holding the large, severed wolf head of his fallen comrade.

Becker slashed the remaining undead to ribbons, then picked up Hewitt’s head. He roared. Loudly.

It was so loud that Miss Bonnie and Miles, now further down the road, heard it and picked up their pace.

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Mar 23 2016
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Uncategorized

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 62

Previously on How the West Was Zombed…

bookshelfbattle's avatarBookshelf Battle

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“BRAINS!!!”

The undead muttered that word over and over.  They stretched their arms out in front of them, trudging forward ever so slowly.

“Get behind me, my dear!” Doc said to Annabelle.  She didn’t waist any time stepping behind the good doctor as if he were a human shield.

“Could this be the end?” Doc asked.  “Doctor Elias T. Faraday of Boston, Massachusetts…”

“Oh Jesus,” Gunther said.  “Not that again.”

“…but no relation to the Chestnut Hill Faradays, those lousy pickpockets…cut down in his prime before he was able to make his mark on history?”

Blake, Townsend, and the Reverend joined Sarah in hiding under the pews.

The creature with the eyeball hanging out of its socket lunged at Gunther.  The old man braced himself.  That big disgusting mouth opened wide and…a knife was pushed through it.

The blade was drenched in blood but Gunther recognized it.  It was his…

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Mar 22 2016
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Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed Continues…

I think I might actually get some time to work on it this week.

Last I recall:

  • A zombie outbreak began after Slade’s showdown with Smelly Jack
  • Blythe’s werewolf henchmen Mr. Becker and Mr. Hewitt blew up the Bonnie Lass, thus creating even more zombies.
  • Good werewolf Joe Freeman bit the dust in a standoff against Mr. B and Mr. H.
  • Miss Bonnie and Joe’s son Miles, who is a lousy werewolf, escaped.
  • Gunther was left in charge of the survivors in the church and was reminded why he prefers to be second in command.
  • Ophelia became zombie chow.
  • Slade couldn’t find Bonnie, assumed the worst, returned to the church to save the day.
  • Malcontent Martin Blake learned that Slade was aware something bad was coming and is likely going to start some shit about it.
  • Miss Bonnie took out one wolf, but another is still afoot.

I’m a bit clueless as to what will happen next.  What do you want to happen next?

Maybe Slade and Miss Bonnie should just do it already.

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Mar 22 2016
3 Comments
Discussions

Hulk Hogan vs. Gawker

e59d1b66c3aa6c9bc9e4613b3fde1414d00e6da18c099b3bf5d3d9f8eaa4d26dHey 3.5 brothers.

BQB here.  Have you read the news that Hulk Hogan won $115 million dollars in his lawsuit against Gawker?

Here’s a CNN article about it if you want to catch up.

The brief rundown – Hulk Hogan was caught on tape having sex with a friend’s wife. Gawker somehow (I haven’t cared enough to find out how) got ahold of it and put a clip on their site.

We could probably debate all day long about whether or not the Hulkster is a good guy or an a-hole.  If you’re an 80’s kid, chances are you spent a fair amount of time watching him go toe to toe against the Iron Sheik and you probably have some fond memories of that nonsense.

But then again, he’s had his share of scandals and inappropriate behaviors.

Let’s not get into that.

Instead, let’s get into what this suit means…we are bloggers after all…not at the level that Gawker is at but still, we have to remember to watch our P’s and Q’s lest we end up with a lawsuit of our own.

I’ll bring it down to a debate question – Do you 3.5 readers think a sex tape is newsworthy or does it qualify as something private and not necessary for the public to see?

Personally, I fall on the latter side of this question.  No one needs to see the Hulkomaniac go at it, brother.

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Mar 21 2016
5 Comments
Poetry

Happy World Poetry Day

Who is your favorite poet, 3.5 readers?

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Mar 21 2016
6 Comments
Movies

Movie Review – 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

A woman is either John Goodman’s guest or hostage.

That’s pretty much it.

End of review.

Crap.  That’s only 16 words?

Let’s talk some more then.  BQB here with a review of 10 Cloverfield Lane.

SPOILER WARNING!

So here’s the deal, 3.5 readers.

Our tale begins with Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) getting into a car accident.  When she wakes up, she’s locked away in an underground bunker.

Her host or captor as the case may be is Howard (John Goodman.)  He informs her that while she was knocked out, a  major attack occurred up above.  It might have been nuclear or chemical, he isn’t sure, but he’s sure that the world above ground is no longer habitable and she needs to stay in the bunker with him.  She’s informed that if she tries to leave the bunker, she’ll let in poison gas that will kill everyone.

OK.  Show of hands, ladies.  How many men have tried the old “the world above ground is uninhabitable due to a chemical weapons attack and you have to stay in this bunker with me until it is safe” trick?  Happens to you like every Saturday night, right?

Yup.  I understand.  It isn’t easy being a woman.

Ah, but here’s the rub.  Howard might be telling the truth.

Thus, the major question of the movie unfolds.  Is Howard a psychotic wack job who built a bunker to hold people captive in, or is he an eccentric conspiracy theorist/doomsday prepper whose crazy desire to build a fallout shelter of his very own paid off when an attack actually happened?

In other words, is he Michelle’s captor or savior?

To add to the confusion, there’s another inhabitant.  Emmett (John Gallagher) is about Michelle’s age.  He’s convinced Howard’s right and there was an attack, but he’s also dumb and gullible so that doesn’t help much when it comes to answering the question.

On top of all that, there are other strange doings afoot, but I don’t want to ruin it for you anymore than I already have.

I loved this movie and I highly recommend it.  It is definitely something for aspiring writers to check out.  It has a Hitchcockian ability to keep the audience on the edge of their seats and J.J. Abrams produced it so you know it’s good.

The writers of this film toss out breadcrumbs and red herrings throughout.  As the movie unfolds clues to support the “this is just a trick to hold people hostage” theory as well as “he’s right and there really was an attack” theory are presented, leaving the viewer to wonder what the hell is going on until the very end.

It’s definitely a “less is more” film.  Most of it takes place inside the bunker itself.

Go see it.  John Goodman’s best work.  Our favorite big guy is getting up there in age, so if the Academy wanted to toss him an award for this, it is a worthy performance.

But they probably won’t because he’s fat and you know…#OscarsSoPretty.

NOTE:  This is not a sequel to the 2008 film Cloverfield.  Remember that movie?  It was one of those “people run away from a monster while taping shaky amateur footage because the Blair Witch Project did it successfully in the late 1990s so everyone else wanted to see if they could recreate it” movies.

I thought it was a sequel myself when the trailer came out.  Mary Elizabeth looks a little bit like one of the actresses in that film (Lizzy Caplan) so maybe that’s why.

And I foresee this could be Mary Elizabeth’s breakout film.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Mar 21 2016
7 Comments
TV

Tonight’s Walking Dead

Wow.  What an episode.

SPOILERS!!!

Dr. Denise.  Gone.  Arrow through the eye.  So sad.  We were just getting to know her.

Whenever the viewer gets to learn a bit more about a character, that character is probably going to buy the farm.  That’s the writers way of making you miss the character.

Eugene bit a dick.  Out of self defense of course but still.  I’d of just let myself get killed but that’s me.

Carol flew the coop.  Seems out of character.  She never runs from anything.

That chick that plays Rosita is on Talking Dead and has ginormous cannons.  Not that I noticed.

There’s an English Teacher on Talking Dead who won a spot on the couch as part of some kind of a contest.  Good for him that’s awesome.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

 

 

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Mar 20 2016
5 Comments
Tomfoolery

I Got Shocked By My Earbuds

Hey 3.5 Readers.

Those who read this blog often (and my condolences to you, don’t worry, you’ll find something worth living for soon) are aware that I often complain about how it seems like some kind of cosmic karma force is after me, coming between me and all the goals I have in life.

Never before was that on full display today than when I made some time to hit the gym…

…AND I GOT SHOCKED BY MY DAMN EARBUDS!!!

Holy shit.  I kid you not.  It was hella scary y’all.  (Yes, I said that.)

Here’s how it all went down.

I got out of my BQB mobile.  Popped on my earbuds.  I have an eclectic collection of music and I was in a Snoop Dogg mood.

His early work.  Gin and Juice.  Ahhh…how I miss the early 1990’s.  Straight up fo sizzle.

So I walk through the parking lot.  Head on in to the locker room.  Take a wizz.  (You need to know the full story and I can’t leave out any detail.)

Then I hang up my coat…Snoop’s kicking old school…laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind…sippin on gin and juice…I’m grooving along and then all of a sudden Snoop’s voice gets garbled and…

…ARGH!!! SHOCKS IN MY EARS!  WTF?!  WTF?!  What’s going on!  Snoop!  Help me!

So I pulled the earbuds off and threw them into the locker, afraid if I kept holding onto them they’d fry me into a charcoal briquette.

Now I’m embarrassed in front of the old naked dudes walking around in the locker room.

SIDENOTE:  Men, have you ever noticed that whatever gym you go to, there’s like a hundred and fifty naked old dudes walking around with everything on full display?  It doesn’t matter what time you go.  Morning, noon, night, 3 am, there will be a hundred and fifty naked old dudes just allowing everything to flap in the breeze because Goddamnit, they’re old and they don’t give a shit anymore.  God bless them.  It’s their God given right to let it all hang out in the locker room I guess.

I just wish they’d clear out when I get there but I digress.

Back to my original tirade.

So I had set down my phone and I go to pick it up and it gives me a static electricity shock and then I touch the locker itself and it gives me a static electricity shock.

Now, Dr. Hugo Von Science and I are on the outs, so I can’t exactly ask him what the hell happened, but I was able to conclude that apparently it is possible for static electricity to travel through your earbuds and shock your damn ears.

It was very scary.  And honestly, I’m adding it to my list of complaints.

Because seriously, what are the odds of getting your ears shocked by your earbuds?  They have to be pretty low.  Probably not as low as they are to win the powerball, but still low.

When the odds of something good happening to me are low, they never happen.  When the odds of something bad happening to me are low, they happen.

It’s just a pain in the ass.  My whole life is like me dodging and ducking all kinds of bullshit that comes between me and the things I want to do in my life and to get shocked in the ears…it just made me feel like “OK F this I guess the gods just want me to stay out of shape and away from the gym.”

Because it’s not like going to the gym isn’t enough of a pain in the ass on its own.

First, there’s the aforementioned one hundred and fifty naked old dudes ALWAYS hanging around the locker room with no clear purpose for being there.

Second, whenever I pick up one damn weight, there’s always at least two hundred and fifty steroid addicted muscle bound jocks who feel the need to walk over and offer unsolicited advice on what I’m doing wrong, to which I always just nod politely until they leave me alone but in my mind I’m thinking, “Thank you sir, but as you can see, I’m not able to lift that damn seven hundred pound weight over my head and dance the Charleston like you can, so if you don’t mind, I’ll just stand here and put my full shame on display as I struggle with this tiny barbell which, by its pink color, I assume was designed for girls.”

And now, third, I have to worry about my ears getting shocked by my earbuds.  I googled it.  It indeed is a thing.  It happens.

So be careful, 3.5 readers.  Your earbuds can shock in more ways than playing Nicki Minaj’s latest song about her copious derrière.

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Mar 20 2016
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Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed = #165 on Wattpad Horror Fiction

Hey 3.5 Readers,

Sooo….I don’t want to count my chickens before they’re hatched or anything but I was pleased to see that How the West Was Zombed was ranked #165 in Wattpad Horror as of Saturday morning.

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I’m not saying that I’m putting a down payment on my house in Malibu but…I probably should right?

Here it is listed in the “Hot” section of Wattpad Horror.  I’m just going to say it.  I always thought I’d have to set myself on fire in order to get someone to refer to me as “Hot.”

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Seriously.  I’ve been referred to as “lukewarm” and “mildly tepid” but “hot” is a new one for me.

Oh and for no reason, here is a picture of Bookshelf Q. Battledog:

BQBD

This noble hound has defended BQB HQ from many zombies.  Also, he has eaten 5,731 intruders alive.

People…so many Hollywood super models are missing out on partying with me.  They don’t even know what they are missing out on.

Help them out and check out my story on Wattpad.

Look, I’m not some kind of Wattpad math scientist.  But I assume your reads, clicks, votes, comments, etc. all factor in to pushing this fine, fine story up the charts, and moving me closer to my Malibu beach house where I will no doubt party with many, many super models.

3.5 READERS: But BQB what about Video Game Rack Fighter?

She is down with it provided she gets to party with male super models.  Honestly, I’m probably just going to tell her I will invite male models to the party but then not actually do it.

Don’t tell her I said that.  Only 3.5 people read this blog so the secret should be safe.

3.5 READERS: But BQB, you’re still a hideous nerd.  No super model will want you.

Maybe, but you’d be surprised how far “Hey baby, I can put in a good word for you if you want to play an 1800’s zombie hooker in the movie based on my book that all began on WordPress and Wattpad” will go.

So please, 3.5 readers.  Help a nerd out and I promise to party with so many super models in your honor.

That’s how much I care about my 3.5 readers.

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