Bookshelf Battle

Does your girlfriend take your money when you are in need?

Is she a triflin’ friend indeed?

In that case, whether or not you’re Jamie Foxx (as featured in Kanye West’s song Gold Digger) you might want to consult this expert list.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger:

10.  You actually have some gold to dig.  If your ass is broke, then believe it or not, she might actually just like you for your personality.  Who knew?  I sure 9didn’t.  I always thought you were a schmuck.

9.  Uses you like her own personal ATM.  If you’re asleep, she just picks you up, turns you upside down, and shakes you until all the loot falls out of your pockets.

8.  Has a long laundry list of reasons why she can’t get a job.  None of those problems ever interfere with her partying.

7.  Her hands are always in your pants…until she finds your wallet and then they’re gone.

6.  All of your credit cards are maxed out.  Your bank accounts are drained.  Creditors are banging down your door.  You came home fully intent on putting your foot down on her cutting back but then she pouted…so you found a high interest loan from your friendly neighborhood loan shark.  Soon, your kneecaps will be as busted as your credit score,  but at least she’ll have seventeen pairs of high-heel boots in a variety of colors.

5.  You tried to explain the concept of a coupon to her once.  Gave up when a demonstration involving sock puppets (your left hand was the cashier and your right was the customer with the coupon) failed.

4.  Talks you into taking her on exotic vacations often.  Her social media feeds are full of pictures of her wearing one of those damn straw cowgirl hats shouting “Wooo!” with a red plastic cup in her hand.  Your social media feed is just a bunch of pictures of you passed out on the hotel floor whilst clutching your heart and holding the bill.

3.  Victoria’s Secret.  Dolce and Gabbanna.  Louis Vouitton.  Every month your credit company calls you and asks, “Sir, did we accidentally send you Jennifer Lopez’ bill by mistake?  Because our records indicate you are an ugly overweight middle aged man…”  (Why are you using a credit card company that keeps such detailed records?)

2.  Whenever she says “I just want to look good for you baby” she gets a whole new wardrobe.

1.  Tennis.  Weights.  Yoga.  You’ve been paying for some kind of personal trainer for her for years but to date, you’ve never seen her swing a racquet, lift a barbell, or strike a downward dog pose.  (There’s a joke in here somewhere about how the yoga instructor is the only one seeing the downward dog but…yeah…never mind. You’ve been through too much already buddy.)