Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Shirtless Alpha Male in a Romance Novel

Romance novels.


For Christ’s Sake, put a shirt on Chad.

Not only are they the fuel that keeps the fires of many a female reader burning, they keep the wheels of the publishing industry turning as well.

Ladies of all ages like a good story about a woman swept off her feet by the perfect man.

Said perfect man usually defined as being a) long haired b) muscular and c) shirtless.

It’s ok ladies.  I won’t point out that your love of these novels is more or less the equivalent of your boyfriend scoping out risqué sites on the Interwebs.

And romance authors, though I’ll never read them, keep churning them out as the more people who are reading anything, the longer the publishing industry stays afloat.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Shirtless Alpha Male in a Romance Novel:

10.  Always shirtless so as to show off his rock hard abs and other assorted muscles.  No matter the occasion.  Working out?  Shirtless.  Doing yard work?  Shirtless.  Trip to the store?  Shirtless.  Attending a state dinner with the Queen of England?  Shirtless.  Hell, the Queen probably digs that shit.

9.  Has a douchey name.  Examples include: Brodie, Body, Cody.  Chad, Brad, or Tad.  Lance. Guy. Trent. Blake. Basically, if you hear the guy’s name and can picture him as a blonde haired bully in a 1980’s movie with the arms of a fancy sweater tied around his neck while hassling Anthony Michael Hall then you know he’s got a douchey name.

8.  Has long, flawless locks of hair and wherever he is or whatever he is doing, they’re always blowing in the wind.  Even when there is no wind.  Put him on the Moon and his damn hair will still blow around.

7.  Ladies, let’s face it.  Whenever he bosses you around, you look up to him as a strong, take charge kind of guy.  Whip a pair of glasses on him and an extra thirty pounds and you’d bust out the pepper spray the instant he asks where his dinner is.

6.  Has tons of money but exhibits no visible signs of employment.  He’s just one of those miracle dudes who has tons of money to spend on his lady but still has plenty of time to keep those abs up.  Also, his muscles are always greased up, as if there’s always an assistant with a bucket of lotion following him around.

5.  Speaking of, you’re tired of being held up to the Barbie doll standard, but you also believe every man who doesn’t look like a shirtless alpha male is a loser.

4.  Rides a motorcycle.  Everywhere.  Except when he’s not riding a damn horse.  And if you try to tell him what to do, he’s going to ride that motorcycle or horse in the sunset, baby.

3.  You’re pretty sure you can change him into a nicer person through the awesome power of your vagina.  But let’s face it, if he were to become nicer, he wouldn’t be an badass shirtless alpha male anymore.  He might even start covering up with a collection of those polo shirts with the little alligator on the pocket, denying the world the sight of his muscles.

2.  Wherever he is, there’s inevitably a pile of wood he can chop in a gratuitous display of his manly muscles.  In a logging camp?  There’s a pile of wood.  In a forest? There’s a pile of wood.  On a beach?  Wood. In a desert? Wood.  Stop making jokes about wood.

  1.  Yup.  Nerdy men hate him about as much as nerdy women hate those supermodel chicks.  Maybe all the nerdy men and women of the world should just get together and read some comic books while all the good looking people of the world do it on beaches with the wind blowing through their hair.
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14 thoughts on “Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Shirtless Alpha Male in a Romance Novel

  1. Apparently the romance portion of the publishing industry account for 52%.

  2. Mei-Mei says:

    Lol this is one of my favorites of this series

  3. Yeah those comic book heroes aren’t alpha males at all…. 😂

  4. Reblogged this on Bookshelf Battle and commented:

    I tried to be an alpha male once.

    I went up to Video Game Rack Fighter and I was all like, “Make me a sandwich, woman!” and she just laughed and laughed and laughed.

    Sigh. Some men were born to be alpha males. Others were born to operate blogs for 3.5 readers.

  5. […] These, and other warning signs, that your boyfriend might be a shirtless alpha male from a romance n… […]

  6. […] Control yourselves, ladies!  Click here to read all about how to figure out if your man is a shirtless alpha male from a romance … […]

  7. I have no abs. Just grease.

    Well, I’ve been telling that joke forever now. It’s not so much that I want women to get me a sandwich so much as every so often I hear a story on the news about a woman who perpetrated an astounding crime just in the hopes of winning a man and I’m like, “WTF how is this guy getting women to commit crimes but I can’t get a woman to make me a sammich?” You could replace sammich with anything…pick up my drycleaning, give me a ride to the dentist, etc.

    Man, sometimes I look back at these old posts I forgot I wrote with new eyes (I forgot to the point it’s like reading it anew myself) and am like “Wow, I really am an awesome writer.”

    Would that I had been born with a more easily marketable skill.

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