Tag Archives: funny

Nov 29 2016
Leave a comment
The Yeti

Five More Boring Things to Do from the Yeti

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Super Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster

Hello overstimulated 3.5 readers.

The Yeti here, back with some more boring things for you to do.

shutterstock_152431793

#1 – Eat a Bag of Rice Cakes

Literally, like consuming styrofoam.  What is the point? You can eat a bag of them and it is like 10 calories or something.  Rice cakes are like methadone for a recovering fat person.  Very boring.

#2 – Wait in a Line

Doesn’t matter what it is for.  Just pick a line and wait.

#3 – Do a Crossword Puzzle

“Oh look at me!  I’m Mr. Genius Newspaper Crossword Puzzle Creator!  Blah, blah, blah I’m so smart because I lined up a word going across with another word going down based on a single letter that both words have in common.  Someone give me a trophy, blah, blah, blah.”

Boring!

#4- Share a Dumbass Face Book Meme

“Oh, look at me again!  Here is my stupid post with a copyright infringing yellow minion and it says some bullshit like, ‘I wonder if I share a hug how many people would hug me back?  I bet I don’t get one hug!'”

Good!  Call a bookie and place that bet because that is some winning action, you incredibly boring assface!

#5 – Get Into a Political Argument with a Facebook Friend

“Blah, blah, blah.  I work at the gas station and I think Trump is the best.  Oh yeah? Well, blah, blah, blah, I work at a drive-thru burger joint and I think Hillary was outta sight.  Oh yeah?  Well, I live on a commune and I’m all about Bernie.  Yes, let us all blah, blah, blah our unwavering political opinions at each other all night despite our lack of qualifications and credentials, blah, blah, blah.”

Boredom forever!

Tired of a Yeti controlled Bookshelf Battle Blog?  Kick the Yeti’s furry butt out of BQB HQ by following BQB on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

 

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
Nov 28 2016
Leave a comment
The Yeti

Have a Happy Day, 3.5 Readers

I got nothing for you today, 3.5.  Alas, I’m still a captive of the Yeti.  Follow me on Twitter @bookshelfbattle to rid this blog of tyrannical Yeti rule.

Yetis are the worst and they are so ridiculously boring.

Tagged ,
Nov 27 2016
Leave a comment
TV

TV Review – Portlandia

Who knew Portland was so funny?

BQB here with a review of IFC’s Portlandia.

Hipsterism.  Pop culture.  Trends and the never-ending attempt to keep up with them.  These are just some of the issues that are lampooned in this IFC sketch comedy show.

SNL alum Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, both musicians, become all sorts of crazy characters as they poke fun at Portland’s excessively laid back lifestyle.

There’s the Women First Bookstore where the ultra-feminist owners put on a car wash to pay their rent and lecture a male customer that he better not be checking them out, even though their ankle length bed sheet like dresses clearly prevent that from happening.

Meanwhile, a ridiculously long line for a popular new brunch restaurant descends into Mad Maxian chaos as people waiting in line start their own villages and societies, wondering if their name will ever be called.

Generation X is the butt of many jokes as Portland seems stuck in the 1990s.  At one point, Fred and Carrie locate former MTV VJs Kurt Loder, Tabitha Soren and Matt Pinfield in order to launch a takeover of MTV and return it to a past where music videos were actually played and discussed instead of the tween based reality TV show nightmare the channel has become.

A veteran journalist’s newspaper is taken over by bloggers who want him to stop writing hard hitting exposes in favor of celebrity NSFW photos.  Carrie declares social bankruptcy when the social media requests for her to like and comment on posts outweighs the time and bandwidth she has to respond to them.

It’s all very funny and yet it is one of those shows you just have to watch in order to really get.  Plus, guest stars make cameos aplenty.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy and each show is about twenty minutes long so I’ve found they’re perfect when I need to chill out and relax for a bit.  Available on Netflix.

Don’t tell the Yeti that I’m still posting with Alien Jones’ space phone.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
Nov 26 2016
2 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Boring Things to Do

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal, Incredibly Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster

shutterstock_152431793

Hello stupid 3.5 readers.

The Yeti here, still enjoying my control over the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  BQB will be my prisoner forever!

And as long as I am in charge, everything around here will be super boring, including this incredibly boring top ten list.

From BQB HQ, which is now Yeti HQ, in East Randomtown, which will soon be East Yeti Town, here are the Top Ten Boring Things to Do, which I, the Yeti, order you to do immediately:

#10 – Collect and Organize Your Toenail Clippings

No, do not throw them away.  Collect them and organize them in a series of jars based on size, color, and consistency.  Proudly display them on your mantle and/or coffee table.

#9 – Call Information to Ask What Time It Is 

Yes! Be the last asshole in the entire world who doesn’t own a watch, or a cellphone or a clock or a television and is not ingenious enough to find a clock to look at.

#8 – Go to a Strip Club Blindfolded

Muah ha ha!  Without your sense of sight, it will just be a smorgasbord of body odor, cheap perfume, Axe body spray and desperation – a yeti’s perfect Saturday night, let me tell you.

#7 – Watch Paint Dry

Just dab some paint on a spot in your house that needs a fresh coat, then pull up a chair and watch it dry. Breathtaking.

#6 – Read Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Back Catalog of Posts

The man thinks he is the next comedic genius but trust me, he is very boring. Snoozeville.

#5 – Stare at a Cat

Literally, all they do is lick themselves and sleep.  Once in a blue moon they might see something interesting and attack it, but that is rare.  Their lives are mostly licking and sleeping.  I theorize that cats might be part-yeti.

#4 – Listen to NPR

All those low talking, whispering ladies will put you right to sleep.  Yetis love to sleep.  So boring.  Zzzzzzz.

#3 – Read an Actual Print Newspaper

I heard a rumor they still make them.  I bet they are so boring!

#2 – Listen to Country Music 

Here, I’ll spoil every country music song for you. “Oh I’m a jilted woman but I’m strong because I get up out of bed anyway and my ex is a dickface for jilting me but I’ll survive!”

There.  Now listen to a country music station for forty hours and try to stay awake.

#1 – Write Firefly fan fiction

I do not know what this means but I heard Bookshelf Q. Battler say that people who do this are incredibly boring.

Tired by Yeti control of the Bookshelf Battle Blog? Follow BQB @bookshelfbattle on Twitter to free BQB from the Yeti’s furry clutches.

 

Tagged , , , ,
Nov 25 2016
Leave a comment
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – How to Save Bookshelf Battle from the Yeti’s Furry Clutches

shutterstock_120849052.jpg

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth losers.

Holy bioluminescent space crap.

I walk away from the Thanksgiving table at BQB HQ for a minute to feed the meter next to my space ship and by the time I get back, the damn Yeti has changed the locks and taken over the joint.

Not gonna lie.  This does not bode well for my career, or frankly, my little green life, because as you know, for some strange reason, Bookshelf Q. Battler is the Mighty Potentate’s Chosen One, the one who will allegedly write and publish a novel that is so breathtaking that it will convince all of humanity to give up on reality television.

Personally, I don’t see it. I’ve seen more work ethic in Nyquil addicted sloths than I have seen in BQB, but hey, what the Potentate wants is what the Potentate gets.

And his going to get my vaporized if he happens to check this blog and find out that BQB has been imprisoned and that a damn fuzzy international war criminal hellbent on turning the entire world into a boring place is in charge.

3.5 READERS: How do we save BQB, Alien Jones?

Oh thank the Potentate, 3.5 readers. I’m so glad you asked.

Twitter.

Yetis only love boring things and if this blog starts getting more follows on its companion Twitter page, then that will be just way too stimulating for the Yeti to handle and he will surely bail.

3.5 READERS: Can’t you just vaporize the Yeti?

Really? That’s how it’s going to be? The alien has to do everything?

Bitches, please. Get your asses to Twitter and follow your favorite nerd and save his ass from the Yeti and my ass from the Mighty Potentate…please. Pretty please…with space sugar on top.

BQB’s handle is @bookshelfbattle or you can just go here.

Don’t delay, 3.5 readers, because when it comes right down to it, my safety, er I mean BQB’s safety, is all that matters.

Tagged , , , , ,
Nov 25 2016
Leave a comment
The Yeti

Welcome to Yetishelf Battle (Or, Bow Down Before Your Furry Overlord, 3.5 Readers)

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster and New Appointed Ruler of Yetishelf Battle (Formerly Bookshelf Battle)

shutterstock_152431793

Muah ha…muah ha…MUAH HA HA!

Yes, 3.5 readers, it is I, the international war criminal/fuzzy snow monster known as, “The Yeti” and I am now in full control of the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

My plan was foolproof.  I laid in wait until BQB, VGRF, and even the incompetent security chief Bookshelf Q. Battledog were in a deep Thanksgiving food induced coma and then I took control of Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in fabulous East Randomtown.

As you know, yetis love boring things and boring things alone and this foolish blog was far too stimulating.

Sure it has 3.5 readers today, but what if there are 11.7 readers tomorrow and 25.8 readers the day after that? Anarchy and madness, I tell you.

BQB’s awesome movie reviews? DONE!

BQB’s rants and ravings? GONE!

The goofy columnists? Try, my goofy hostages.

Boredom is the name of my game and from now on, this blog will be incredibly boring.

Super boring things that you can expect from this blog from now on:

  • Pictures of cats, but they won’t be doing adorable things. They will be just licking themselves.
  • Reviews of phonebooks printed in 1972.
  • Dramatic readings from dish washer operational manuals.
  • The national budget.
  • Documentaries about feet.

And that’s just the start of it!

You are doomed, 3.5 readers. Doomed, I say! Doomed to be bored forever, for BQB shall never be heard from again!

Is this the end of Bookhelf Q. Battler and the Bookshelf Battle Blog as we know it? Stay tuned…

Tagged , , ,
Nov 13 2016
2 Comments
Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Stop Blaming Others and Own Your Suck

shutterstock_70014709

World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m never going to stop spreading my advice to the sucky masses on how to stop sucking until the day comes when the world is entirely suck free.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my anti-suck self-help books:

This Suck Isn’t Going to Unsuck Itself

Sucking Around the World in Eighty Days

The Suck Cure

Suck Wars: The Suck Awakens

How to Deal with Suckers Who Suck

Why Do I Suck?

Why Do You Suck?

Why Does Everyone Around Me Suck?

Will I Ever Not Suck?

3.5 suckers, here’s today’s request for anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B,

I try so hard not to suck but it is not my fault. Everyone around me is a giant suck bag and they keep dragging me into their suck. I’ll never stop sucking as long as I have to be around all these sucky suckers and suck in all of their suck all day.

Really. It’s not my fault. Their suck is sucking me in.

Sincerely,

Sucks in Cleveland

Yikes. That letter really sucks, Sucks in Cleveland.

To adapt a scene from The Godfather III, it’s like you’re Michael Corleone and you thought you did everything possible to remove yourself from a world that sucks and then something happens that sucks and your response is, “Just when I thought I was out of the suck, they pull me back into the suck.”

Look. I get it. People suck. And you live in a world where people suck. It feels like the suck is unavoidable. Frankly, it often isn’t.  So much suck comes right at you from every direction.

Second hand suck is very potent. If you’re not careful, sucky people can get their suck all over you and turn you into a big fat sucker.

But you can’t resign yourself to the inevitably of suck.  You have to deflect the suck.

STEP 1 – DEFLECT THE SUCK

Often, you can’t beat the suck but that doesn’t mean you have to join the suck.

EXAMPLE:

YOUR FRIENDS: Hey, want to shoot heroin and then knock over a liquor store and punch a nun in the face?

YOU: No thank you. All of those activities sound like they would suck and I would rather not suck.

See? You’ve sidestepped the suck.

Listen, it would be great if you could talk everyone around you into not sucking but often that isn’t possible. Their suck is too strong and suckers will never stop sucking until they are ready to not suck.

In other words, you can’t really hold down all those suckers in your life and force them to not suck, but you can be there to help them when they come to you seeking advice on how to not suck anymore.

Some people just need to hit that rock bottom of suck before they will see the not sucking light and make the long climb up that anti-suck ladder.

Becoming a non-sucker doesn’t happen overnight.

3.5 READERS: But Vinny, avoiding the suck isn’t always that easy or straightforward.

Oh don’t I know it.  Case in point:

YOU: Oh I think I will do a lot of things on my day off to prevent my life from sucking. I’m going to hit the gym and then buy some broccoli at the grocery store…

YOUR FRIEND AND/OR RELATIVE WHO SUCKS: No, I want you to sit around all day and watch TV and get fat off of pizza with me…

YOU:  No, I’m going to go to the gym and…

SUCKING PERSON: Ugh but I’ll be so depressed if you leave me.  Ugh stay and let’s do some hits of elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: How did you get elephant tranquilizer?

SUCKING PERSON: Bah, I know a guy at the zoo.

YOU: Well, I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch TV and get fat and take elephant tranquilizer.

SUCKING PERSON: Waah!  You must really hate me. Waaah.

YOU: No, no. I don’t want you to feel like you suck. OK I’ll skip the gym and the broccoli and stay here and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer with you.

WRONG!

Absolutely wrong.

Don’t get sucked into a sucky person’s suck web.

I’m not saying don’t get help for a sucky person.  If you’ve got a person in your life who sucks then do what you can to help them stop sucking, but there’s never a reason to join in on the suck.

You don’t want to become suckily codependent with someone.  That’s when two people get together and decide to suck and feed off of one another’s suck.  They make you suck. You make them suck. It’s just a vicious suck cycle where the suck never ends.

Thus, in the above case, you, as a person trying their best to not suck, should set a good example and try to talk to the sucker about ways to stop sucking. See if they’d be willing to talk to a professional who can help them kick their pizza, TV and elephant tranquilizer habits, but other than that, there’s no reason to suck yourself up by engaging yourself in the suck.

Don’t take elephant tranquilizer just to make an elephant tranquilizer addict happy.  And moreover, don’t do something that you know sucks just to avoid making a sucky person feel bad.

Now I get it.  Often the second hand suck doesn’t transfer itself that obviously.

YOU: I’m going to go to the gym and the broccoli store.

SUCKY PERSON: Eh, I need you to clean the house and do the dishes, mow the lawn, wash the cat, shine my shoes, whitewash the fence, cook a nice brisket, rub the bunions on my feet, polish the caulk in the bathroom with a toothbrush, pick all the lint out of the carpet with a pair of tweezers, trim my nose hairs, develop a cure for all diseases known to mankind and skip to the lou my darling…

YOU: Holy shit.  Are you going to do anything to help?

SUCKY PERSON: Nah, I’m going to sit here and watch TV and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But I don’t want to do any of that.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s cool. Just do everything else because I’m too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But if I’m always doing everything because you’re too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer then I’ll never have time to go to the gym and eat broccoli.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s a bitch.

Sucky people are like ninjas. They are very stealthy with their suck.  Sometimes they hit you right up front with the suck stick so you see it coming but other times they sneak the suck up on you and you don’t realize that they’ve even sucked you into their suck until you already suck.

So in that case you must…

STEP 2 – WORK AROUND THE SUCK

You’ve got a real sucker in your life and they’re constantly throwing piles of suck at you.

But you don’t want to kick that sucker to the curb because you feel like people who don’t suck should always keep trying to unsuck a sucker and I feel you.

There’s nothing wrong with being a non-sucker and still loving and/or caring about a person who sucks.

So if you feel like you can’t ditch this sucker, then work around this sucker.

Get up even earlier and go to the gym.  Stay up a little later so you can go to the broccoli store.

I know. That sucks. Like an acrobat, you’re constantly dodging suck and coming up with new and creative ways to turn suck into non suck but if you’re stuck in a situation that sucks then that’s all you can do. Just keep dodging that suck and keep finding ways to make yourself not suck.

Work around that suck.  You know the suck is coming.  Don’t let the suck keep ramming into you.  Do some fancy footwork and bypass the suck.

If you really can’t then yes, sadly…

STEP 3 – DITCH THE SUCK

Yes. I know.  That thought sucks. But if the suck is truly unavoidable, you may have to put some thought into ditching that sucker.

Only you know what your sucky situation is like and only you are aware of your personal level of suck tolerance.

You don’t necessarily even have to abandon a sucker completely. You might be able to lend a non-sucky ear and a non-sucky helping hand from time to time, but if you really feel as though a sucker is dragging you down into a suck vortex, then you’ve got to jump ship and start swimming to the suck free shoreline.

In other words…

STEP 4 – ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCK

At the end of the day, life is about choices.  Some people face harder choices than others. Some people are put into sucky situations that others couldn’t possibly dream of.

But bottomline you can either sit around and suck and lament and complain about how you live a sucky life because you’re trapped by all the suckers around you or you can pull yourself up and decide that you are not going to suck and you are not going to let suckers make you suck.

I do realize that some people have more sucky suckers to deal with than others but when all is said and done, only you can decide to not do things that suck.

As always, thanks for listening, keep not sucking and don’t forget to buy my anti-suck books, now available at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,
Nov 12 2016
2 Comments
Tomfoolery

I’m Thinking About Becoming Amish

shutterstock_236377546

Hello 3.5 Englishes,

Your old pal BQB here.

So check it out.

I’m thinking about becoming Amish for the following reasons:

#1 – Too much stress.  Too much technology.

That’s two reasons. Too much stressful technology? OK now it is one.

Cell phones were a great invention but really never should have evolved other than you have a device you can use to call someone and ask for help if you find yourself in a jam.

YES – “I’ve run my car off the road and need help!”

NO – “Hello this is your boss. I know you are on vacation but I need to talk to you on the phone right now while you are sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of a Tijuana Señor Frog’s.”

3.5 READERS: But BQB what about your blog?

Good riddance, infernal blog! Who needs you? Always pestering me to update you just to entertain 3.5 readers.

NOTE: I’m just kidding. I love you blog and 3.5 readers.

#2 – Health – Diet and Exercise

Have you ever seen a fat Amish guy? No!

Why? First they’re always exercising. But they’re not going to gym like assholes and running around on a treadmill like a goddamn hamster on a wheel are they?

No. They are not. They are raising barns and churning butter and planting crops and so on.

Shit actually happens when they exercise.

Wait. You know what? Up until like 1950 people didn’t even think to call strenuous activity “exercise.” They just called it “doing shit.”

Here’s what people were like:

CHESTER: Hey Bob! You doing some shit on your farm?

BOB: Sure am, Chester. I’m doing all this shit on my farm, then later I’m going to pickup some heavy shit and move some shit and dig up some shit and plant some shit. You off to do some shit of your own?

CHESTER: Of course. Gotta get to my farm where I will also do a ton of shit. In fact, I got a long ass fuckin’ walk to my farm and I’ll tell you even that wears the shit out of me. But once I walk to my farm I’m going to do a lot of shit.

BOB: Boy howdy, doing shit sure does keep you from becoming a fat fuck doesn’t it?

CHESTER: What’s a fat fuck, Bob? I’ve never seen or heard of one before.

BOB: I think I saw one in a picture book once. Some egghead scientist theorized that if people ever stop doing shit they’ll get really fat.

CHESTER: Aint that some shit?

 

But now we’ve got cars and computers and gadgets and shit so a lot of the heavy lifting is gone.

Second reason why you never see a fat Amish guy – they’ve got good diets.

Seriously. They don’t have Amish McDonalds. They no quiero Taco Bell. They don’t have processed foods.

You know what their food process is? They pull a damn carrot out of the ground and shove it in their suck hole and then if they want a steak they cut it off the ass of the cow that has been their family friend for years.

That in and of itself would get me to stop eating meat and become a vegetarian.

I love steak and burgers, but only as long as some nameless butcher in some factory somewhere is hacking the cow to pieces somewhere far, far away where I never see it.

If I have to hack the cow up then I’ll just eat carrots instead. I’m not going to bond with Bossy the cow and then be all like, “I’m hungry so time to die, Bossy.”

And I love chicken, especially chicken tenders and chicken nuggets…but not enough to wrap my hands around a chicken’s neck and strangle the ever loving shit out of it until I watch all of that chicken’s hopes and dreams fade from its eyes as the last bit of its life force exits its feathery carcass.

No thank you. Fuck that. Pass the broccoli.  And no matter how many reports I get that broccoli is good for you, I will never forego red meat and chicken meat in the name of broccoli unless I’m Amish.

#3 – Romance Simplified

Oh my God.  Dating is such bullshit.

Just arrange my marriage when I’m five.  Or you know what? Just let me choose.  The one in the bonnet or the other one in the bonnet.

And let her choose too. This isn’t Communist Russia.  Let her choose between me, the one in the beard and the hat or the other one in the beard and the hat.

I’m sure there is a modicum of bullshit that enters into Amish dating.

“Oh, I was going to marry Ezekiel but Jedediah has raised far more many barns!”

But that’s fine. I’ll just raise a lot of barns. At least then I know what to do. Here in the modern world women get mad at you and you never know why and even they don’t know why.

But in Amish world its simple. You just haven’t raised enough barns and you need to raise some more and then you will be able to get your hands on an Amish babe’s sweet, sweet ankle.

CONCLUSIONS

So that’s it.

Those are my three reasons.

I want to be Amish so I can kick technology to the curb, exercise more, eat less and eat more nutritious food and impress women by raising barns.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Am I on to something here? Do you want to become Amish with me?

Who’s down?

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
Nov 10 2016
Leave a comment
East Randomtown News

East Randomtown Election Results 2016 – Smotchenbocker Pulls Off Massive Upset!

cropped-shutterstock_237425704

EAST RANDOMTOWN – In a startling upset, Acting Mayor Bookshelf Q. Battler has lost his bid for election to a full term.

“Oh thank God,” Acting Mayor Battler said. “I so did not want to do this anymore. It took so much time away from the task I enjoy the most – blogging for the joy of 3.5 readers.”

Mr. Battler was made Acting Mayor during the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, during which the previous mayor and a previous acting mayor were devoured by zombies.

Surprisingly, Mr. Battler’s opponent, Leo McKoy, famous in town because he alleges that in the 1990s he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, also lost the race.

“What a load of crap,” candidate McKoy said during his interview as Random Bar, East Randomtown’s most popular drinking establishment. “Good job, suck town. You all really screwed the pooch by not voting for yours truly.  Barkeep, another shot.”

It was a very heated campaign.  Mr. Battler alleged that Mr. McKoy was not the actual McKoy but was, in fact, a robot and that the real McKoy was devoured by zombies last year.”

“He’s definitely not the real McKoy,” Mr. Battler said. “Huh. That’s catchy. Kind of wish I’d thought of it before the election ended. Oh well.”

In contrast to Mr. Battler’s allegations, Mr. McKoy claimed that Mr. Battler’s blog sucked donkey butt and that it should be banned because it has caused aliens, zombies, the yeti and other assorted rabble to invade the town.

“Bookshelf Q. Battler is the worst thing to happen to East Randomtown since we parted ways with West Randomtown,” Mr. McKoy said.

Meanwhile, the international fuzzy war criminal known simply as, “The Yeti” won a total of 50 write-in votes.

“GRRR!” The Yeti said. “I should run everything and also eat everyone because they are delicious!”

Shocking all the experts was Harvey Smotchenbocker, who won the race with a write-in campaign of his own. In fact, Mr. Smotchenbocker beat Mr. Battler by two votes.

“I forgot to vote and my dear sweet soulmate Video Game Rack Fighter was too busy playing Car Thief Mayhem to make it to the polls,” Mr. Battler explained. “In fact, she’s been playing the same game for twenty-eight hours with no sleep.  What a trooper.”

Mr. Battler’s 3.5 readers may remember May0r-Elect Smotchenbocker as the Olympian who represented the United States and East Randomtown in the Rio Olympic Games this summer in the 10K Flatulence competition.

“I enjoyed my time on the professional flatulence circuit, but flatulence is a young man’s game,” Mr. Smotchenbocker said. “It’s time for me to hang up my ass and give back to this town that has given me so little even though I am a class act and I pretend like it has given me so much anyway.”

Asked for his agenda, Mr. Smotchenbocker said he would focus on such initiatives as preserving the environment, clean drinking water, law and order, promoting business and economic opportunities, improving the quality of education and investing in infrastructure.

Mr. Battler and Mr. McKoy, bitter rivals to the end, were united in their disgust of Mayor-Elect Smotchenbocker’s agenda.

“So he’s not going to start a potato bar and build a statue of me delivering a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?” McKoy asked.  “Rigged!”

“I agree,” Mr. Battler said. “Smotchenbocker hasn’t even addressed all the leftover zombie carcasses that continue to litter the town.”

When questioned on whether he would support the banishment of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, Mr. Smotchenbocker replied, “I’ve never heard of it. Does anyone read it?”

In other news, Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent Uncle Hardass lost his bid for the presidency to New York Real Estate Mogul/Hair Model Donald J. Trump.

“I concede nothing!” Uncle Hardass said. “I will continue my effort to help Americans find jobs by nagging them incessantly until they find employment just so I will stop yelling at them.”

Tagged , , , , , , ,
Nov 07 2016
Leave a comment
East Randomtown News

OP-ED – I’m Still Convinced that Leo McKoy is a Robot and Also Lying About Delivering a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Acting Mayor of East Randomtown and Mayoral Candidate

shutterstock_236377597

3.5 readers, when the position for East Randomtown Mayor came up for election, I stood up, took a bold stand and said, “Ugh. Well, if there isn’t anyone who isn’t an asshole running then I guess I have to run even though it is a total inconvenience for me and is also as waste of time since everyone in this town is a big dumb dummy dumb face and no one will listen to me and everyone will just do whatever they want anyway.”

That’s the kind of decisive leadership this town needs and that’s the kind of leadership I can provide.

Sure, I  could brag all day about having a blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers, but I’d rather point out two things as this election season draws to a close.

First, whoever is running is not the real Leo McKoy. I saw Leo McKoy get eaten by zombies.  So whoever this is, it must be a robot designed to look like Leo McKoy designed for the sole purpose of some sinister genius to gain control of East Randomtown.

Why would an evil genius do that? I have no idea. East Randomtown really sucks and it isn’t like controlling this garbage dump of a town provides anyone with any strategic advantage, so your guess is as good as mine, but at any rate, there is, as my spirit guide Shakespeare would say, “something rotten in the state of Denmark.”

Second, we only have Leo McKoy’s word that he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.  Sure, if he did deliver that sandwich then that makes him one of, and perhaps the most important, famous, successful and influential people this town has ever produced, because as you know, the standard to be considered a great person in this town is very, very, extremely very low.

But we only have Leo’s word.  Do you think a highly successful James Van Der Beek would bother stepping foot in East Randomtown?

I don’t think so.

People, your only chance for this town to not get sucked into a giant pit of suck (as my motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio would say) is to vote for me, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Or don’t. Honestly, if I lose I’d get more free time that I could use to attract more readers to my blog.  Perhaps I could get as many as 17.9 people reading this thing and then I’d be in the big leagues.

So vote for me but if you don’t its cool because at least I can say I tried.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER THEN YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF BIG DUMB DUMMY DUMB FACE AND THERE ISN’T MUCH MORE BQB CAN DO OR SAY IF YOU’RE ALL HELLBENT ON BEING THAT DUMB.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,
← Older posts
Newer posts →