Hey kids, avoid strangers all year along.
Except on October 31.
Then put on a dumb costume and knock on strangers’ doors and demand free foodstuffs.
Who the hell invented this dumb holiday?
Oh wait. I forgot.
We here at BQB HQ love Halloween.
So without further ado, the Top Ten Halloween Candies
#10 – Candy Corn (Best)
An old staple. Sweet. Delicious.
Do you like the chocolate candy corn? You know the ones where the bottom stripe is chocolate?
Eh, I do like chocolate but I prefer my candy corn to have the white stripes at the bottom.
I don’t know why. I’ve done a lot of thought on this though and that white stripe tastes better than the chocolate strip.
The white strip basically tastes like the candy corn flavor and I can only get that candy corn flavor at Halloween time, whereas I can get chocolate all year long.
#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (Best)
So much of my ass fat is compromised of peanut butter cups.
You got chocolate in my peanut butter. No, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!
#8 – Coupons (Worst)
Fast food joints, stores, restaurants – they often sell coupons to pass out as Halloween treats.
Hey, here’s a coupon for a free ice cream cone.
What the eff, lady? Don’t give me an IOU for a treat. I want my snack now.
These go right in the garbage and the corporations make big money essentially selling people nothing.
#7 – Large Candy Bars (Best)
There’s always one fine citizen who will go out and buy a bunch of regular size candy bars to pass out.
That’s right. Screw those “fun size” bars.
What’s fun about tiny candies?
The only thing that happens with a fun size candy bar is you trick your mind into eating twenty of them because they’re so small and that you end up with an ass the size of a barcalounger.
Bless you, citizen who went the extra mile and got big candy bars.
By the way – if a tiny candy bar is fun size, is a big candy bar boring size?
There’s a noodle scratcher.
#6 – Pennies (Worst)
Come on, old people.
I know you’re trying to get rid of your loose change.
I know those pennies are actually worth something.
But pennies aren’t edible. They aren’t delicious. They will not make my ass fatter.
#5 – Unwrapped Baked Goods (Worst)
Well, thanks lady I gotta trash that because for all I know it could have a razor blade or a laxative or poison or something.
#4 – Popcorn Balls (Best or Possibly Worst)
Love ’em, but only if they’re wrapped.
#3 – Gum (Best)
Good for a minute or two, then it just becomes a sticky mess under your chair…sigh…just like my life.
#2 – Smarties (Best)
Mmm. Sugary crack.
You ever try to unwrap them and keep them together in a line without the wrapper?
#1 – Kit Kat
Give me a break, give me a break…aww, you know the rest.
Did I leave your favorite Halloween candy off the list, 3.5 readers?
Discuss in the comments!