Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Jun 05 2016
6 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Plagiarism and Self-Publishing

Happy Sunday 3.5 Readers.

BQB here to talk about an article in The Atlantic – Stealing Books in the Age of Self-Publishing by Joy Lanzendorfer.

The article discusses how it is too easy for some unscrupulous people to take the works of others, change them around a little bit and then pass them off as their own, profiling authors who have had this happen to them.

Apparently it happens more often than people realize, and it isn’t always so blatant that is easily discovered. Sometimes plagiarized books are up for awhile and as the article notes, it is usually a plucky reader that spots the similarities and alerts the author.

 

To make this a BQB Daily Discussion, what are some ways that self-publishers can protect themselves from such chicanery?

 

 

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Jun 05 2016
10 Comments
Tomfoolery

Pick a New Theme for Bookshelf Battle

Happy Saturday 3.5 Readers.

I’m shopping for new themes. Take a look at some of them with me, will you?

After all, as my 3.5 readers, you’ll need to be as satisfied as I am:

#1 – NEWSMAG  – I like it but I’m not sure why the menu is there twice. This has been pretty much been my experience. I find something that seems acceptable but for one weird little thing:

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#2 – WILSON – Hmm.  I like posting various funny pictures right at the top of my blog, often pictures of the “bookshelf battles” occurring on my magic bookshelf. For the 3.5 people who read this blog, it really ties the theme together.

Otherwise, the theme is crisp, uncluttered, it does pull Twitter, Facebook feeds and other widgets up to the left instead of leaving them buried at the bottom like my current theme does.

I guess the tradeoff is the main photo becomes smaller and off to the left instead of prominently at the top.  Ironically, the photo does appear at the top on tablets and phones.

It’s free, so that’s a plus.  I do prefer the menu at the top but I think the design so clearly helps the user to distinguish what’s the written content and what’s the menu content that it’s not a concern.

Hmm. This one’s a contender.

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#3 – HIVE – This one needs two photos. First, it didn’t cut off “my” face but rather it all just comes out to big to come out in one screenshot. Take my word that my head is there and you just scroll down through a pretty sweet funny photo and bold headline before you get to the meat of the blog.

“BQB you wanted a blog that has a prominent photo and bold headline.”

That I do. That’s what intrigues me. It is like $150 which I don’t relish spending but I guess if it’s something I enjoy doing I guess I can sacrifice some dough for my 3.5 readers.

If you move to the second photo, you’ll see the posts come out in a newspaper like format.  Side by side, crisp columns.

You end up with a blog roll where many, many of more posts are clickable before you get to the bottom of the roll and have to click next to get to the back log.

No one ever clicks next.  So more posts before you reach the end could attract more than 3.5 readers.

So I’ll call what’s on the front page “teasers.” You basically get a paragraph of the post and then when you click it you get the whole thing.

I’m not sure why my photos don’t show up in the teasers but they do show up in the post itself when you reach it.

I’m not too worried about that because I have read other blogs where photos are in the teasers so there must be a way.

I’m on the fence on this one. It’s very beautiful. It does come with a lot of features that seem like they’d increase the ole click-a-roos.

But I feel like no one understands the concept of my blog as it is. It’s a blog about a nerd with a magic bookshelf who engages in all manner of nerdy hi jinx while he pursues a career as a novelist to appease an alien dictator.

Does this format make it a newspaper about all that above?

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#4 – PENSCRATCH – Oh my God. It’s got the prominent headline. It’s got the menu at the top. It’s got the menu at the top. It’s got the place for the funny header photo.

The shopping list is complete! But…shit. Is it me or is that font very light? It looks like what happens when someone tries to write with lemon juice on paper.

If I can figure out how to darken up the font and maybe come up with some spiffier fonts this one could also be a contender.

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CONCLUSIONS –

My gut is telling me to go with WILSON but I can also see the argument that PENSCRATCH is the closest to what I have now and perhaps I shouldn’t take my stinky socks off in the bottom of then ninth. Not crazy about that light font though.

Sheesh. Picking a new theme is like picking a mistress. Chunk’s like my toothless, frazzled hair wife. Sure, she’s not the best, but she’s always there for me and gets the job done.

If I’m going to leave her I want it to be for a super model that’s really going to rev my engine but it just seems like I’m trading one toothless wife for another toothless wife.

I’m from the 90’s. I can say things like this.

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Jun 05 2016
10 Comments
Tomfoolery

BQB Applies Muhammad Ali’s Confident Trash Talking Skills to Blog Promotion

I am BQB and I am the Greatest Blogger who ever lived. I type a butterfly and post like a bee, you cannot ignore the words that your eyes already see.

I am the world’s fastest blogger. Fast with my fingers. I type so fast I make flames jump out of my keyboard. I keep the fire department on standby whenever I feel a musing coming on.

I write faster than a cheetah can breakdance. The other day I wrote a post so fast it broke the space time continuum. People read it before I even finished writing it.

If you match my typing fingers up against a bullet train, I’ll beat the bullet train every time.

I once blogged so fast that I made the earth rotate backwards just as Superman did when he turned back time.

The only way it could be fair for me to blog against the rest of you bums would be if I were to tie my best blogging hand behind my back. Tie them both back there for all I care. I can type better with my nose than most people can with their digits.

My blog posts are intriguing. They’re so intriguing that if you took every episode of Murder She Wrote, wrapped them up in soft taco shell made out of flour ground from the collective works of Stephen King and sautéed the whole mess in a sauce comprised of Agatha Christie’s sweat, the entire ensuing entree would not contain one quarter of the intrigue found in one of my posts.

People always be talking about The Huffington Post. You reporters are more crooked than an MC Escher staircase for writing that The Huffington Post puts my blog to shame.

The Huff Po may talk a lot of jive but I got the best readers and they number one, two, three point five.

I will blog circles around Huff Po.  I’m up posting ten articles before the Huff Po drags its stinking ass out of bed in the morning and I’m tweeting the links to my stuff before the Huff Po has its morning coffee.

That’s right I also tweet like a butterfly too.

People always be talking about how Perez Hilton is a better pop culture blogger than me. Perez Hilton couldn’t blog his way out of a wet paper bag. Man draws dicks on celebrity faces and he acts like that makes him a comedy genius or something. I can draw a better dick on a celebrity face any time anywhere.

All you reporters asking me if I think I can out blog Icanhascheesburger?

Please. I don’t care how cute and adorable those kitties are. I will slap the cheeseburgers right out their stupid mouths and send them to bed without supper.

No, you furry bastards, no you cannot have cheeseburger.

Can I out gawk Gawker? You better believe it. I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan and even though that’s because Hulk Hogan is not one of my 3.5 readers I can still say I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan. Pretty much everyone else out there can say that too but still. It’s a miraculous accomplishment to not have been sued by Hulk Hogan. I wear my lack of a Hulk Hogan suit like a badge of honor.

The Drudge Report? “Oh look at me I’m Matt Drudge I’ve been HTML coding my own blog since the 90s.” Dude, please. I’m too busy creating blogs that break the surly bonds of the stratosphere to code my own HTML. I let those turkeys at WordPress do all my HTML coding for me.

I’ll hand it to Matt that he blew the lid off the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal but had I been around in the 90s there would have never been a scandal because Monica would have been too infatuated with me, as most women are.

TMZ?  No. People prefer BQB. And when I say people, I’m talking about your wives, because once you go nerd, it’s the best you’ve ever heard.

3.5 hits may be the only clicks I gets but they’re also the only clicks I’ll ever need.

Because when you have the greatest 3.5 readers in the world then you are truly the greatest.

And finally, every blogger other than me is ugly. The greatest blogger in the world should be as pretty as me.

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Jun 04 2016
6 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – What Was Your Favorite Muhammad Ali Quote?

Good morning 3.5 readers.

We’re waking up to news that “The Greatest” boxer, “Muhammad Ali” has passed away at 74.

Those who followed his career remember his poetic ability to taunt opponents with proud, public declarations of his abilities.

Obviously, the one to me, that is most memorable and I have heard used most often in pop culture is, “I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.”

Can you think of any others? Or do you have any memories to share?

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Jun 04 2016
2 Comments
You Can't Argue with Science

You Can’t Argue With Science – Zika Virus Might Be Spread Via Oral Sex

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: Seeing as how his mind contains a wealth of scientific information that can be shared with my 3.5 readers, I have decided to let bygones be bygones and reinstate Dr. Hugo Von Science as a Bookshelf Battle columnist.

I’m nothing if not a turner of the other cheek.

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Dr. Hugo Returns!

Guten tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here, finally out of zie dog house with mein old student Bookshelf Q. Battler and ready to educate you once again with mein column, You Can’t Argue With Science!

You really can’t, can you 3.5 readers? A meteor will always have the upper hand no matter what you do.

Perhaps you might remember me from one of mein many fantastic inventions:

  • The Taco-fier – Save the world by turning trash into tacos.  Yummy and delicious tacos? Nein. It just makes taco shells filled with trash. However, I’m confident that I will be able to turn used syringes and condoms into delicious taco meat by 2035. So many cows will be saved.
  • Hat in a Can – Did you forget your hat today? Just spray one on your stupid head. Mold it to whatever kind of hat you want. Spray yourself a derby, a bowler, or a fedora. The government demands I notify you that spray on hats have caused 999 out of 1,000 lab rats to die horrible deaths involving intense seizures and bowel eruptions but please. You’re a human. You’re much stronger than a stupid mouse.
  • Ninja Socks – Put them on your feet and you will be able to perform death defying ninja like kicks! However, you’ll inevitably lose one in the washing machine and then if you only wear one of them you will only be able to kick like a Rockette, which, though impressive, is not as awesome as kicking like a ninja. Don’t split up your ninja socks. They work best as a set.

Undt last but not least…

  • Das Sun Blocker 3000 – Ha ha.  Ha ha….Muah ha ha! Turn over the world’s riches to me or else mein latest invention will block out the sun for 3,000 years! The world will turn into a frozen wasteland and no one will ever wear a swimsuit ever again! (Let’s be honest many of you shouldn’t have been wearing one to begin with and…woopsie! I wasn’t supposed to mention this doohickey just yet.)

Anyhoodles, das Zika virus!

Those pesky little mosquitos have really been wreaking havoc across Brazil, threatening to even ruin the upcoming Olympic Games.

Zika virus can even cause microcephaly which, long story short, can cause women to give birth to babies with small, deformed heads.

Undt now, das news outlets are reporting that scientists believe the virus may even be transmitted through the oral sexenheisen.

To prove that Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have buried das hatchet and set our differences aside, I shall now relay all the jokes that BQB told me when he heard this discovery:

  • Who would blow a mosquito?
  • Great, yet another excuse for women to avoid polishing the pickle.
  • A little head could lead to a baby with a little head. (What? Too soon? Oh stop it and get a sense of humor.)

Finally, 3.5 readers, scientists have even suggested that deep kissing could lead to the Zika virus.

So, as if you all didn’t have enough to worry about, watch out for those mosquitos and also, what you’re putting in your pie hole, you terrible, terrible perverts.

Dr. Hugo Von Science is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s Science Correspondent, as well as an Esteemed Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. Additionally, he may or may not be a mad scientist attempting to conquer the world through the power of science in his spare time.

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Jun 03 2016
5 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Robert Kirkman vs. George RR Martin

Happy Friday 3.5 Readers.

Robert Kirkman of Walking Dead fame recently said in an interview that he would not allow a network to take control of his show the way George RR Martin has.

My two cents:

a) GRRM is almost 70 years old.  Though I’m sure he is enjoying all the attention his life’s work is getting, it did come at the end, not exactly at a time when he could enjoy all the accompanying fame and fortune.  He needs to balance the need to get his last novels in the series done with not wearing himself out to the point where he keels over.

b) HBO has done a great job.  Currently, we’re in the first season in which the show begins to diverge from Martin’s books (the show has progressed farther past the point where GRRM has written) and the consensus is that it has been the most riveting season yet.  That’s to trash Martin.  He has been advising HBO on what he intends to do next and they are carrying it out.

I don’t know. I don’t mean to knock Kirkman either as the Walking Dead is also pretty great.

I just think GRRM and Kirkman are in two different places. Kirkman is young enough he can still run the show whereas Martin needs extra naps.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Jun 03 2016
5 Comments
Nerdstradamus

The Astounding Nerdstradamus – The Jello Wrestling Election, the Google/Amazon War for the Universe, the Blow Less Smoke Up Kids’ Asses Initiative

And now, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Astounding Nerdstradamus shares his confounding prognostications of the future of nerd kind…

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Step forward, nerds, and do not be afraid for I, the Astounding Nerdstradamus do now make my predictions known:

  • The Election of 2016 shall be decided not at the ballot box but in a jello wrestling pit. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton shall forego the usual democratic process and opt instead to get naked, oil up, and wrassle one another in a giant tub of orange gelatin. The match will be epic and though there will be many disgusting sights and angles that viewers will never be able to remove from their memories, the event itself will draw the highest viewership in the history of television.
  • Nicki Minaj will be named Poet Laureate of the United States. In her acceptance speech, she will recite her most recent lines from the smash hit Dance (A$$) in which women with luxurious asses are, in fact, urged to dance. Not only will the crowd be shocked, but literary scholars will, for centuries thereafter, debate whether or not Ms. Minaj’s request to be “pointed to the best ass eater” was figurative or literal. (The general consensus will drift toward the latter.)
  • All movie plots will be decided by Twitter users. A director will just tweet, “What will I make next?” And then a year later he’ll come out with a movie about a bicurious dwarf in leather pants who rides a unicorn and plays the ukulele while karate chopping dragons made out of candy in an alternate dimension where Kanye West rules supreme. Further, all movies will be named, “Movie McMovieface.”
  • All potential crime victims will, by law, be allowed to shout “safe space!” and then it shall be deemed illegal for all ill intentioned persons to come within a ten foot radius around the person.  Many a harrowing legal battle will ensue in which prosecutors and defense attorneys debate whether or not a victim actually yelled “safe space.”
  • The presidency will remain vacant after 2024 as by then there will literally be no one without a single embarrassing photo preserved online to be utilized by the opposition.
  • Google and Amazon will both declare themselves masters of the universe.  The ensuing civil war will last for countless millennia.
  • The world will watch in awe when a man lands on Mars. The brave astronaut will immediately broadcast back the inspiring words, “It kinda sucks here. Not really sure it was worth all the effort. Oh well. You live and you learn, am I right?”
  • Due to ever rising tuition costs, high school graduates will opt to sit around in the basement of the kid with the least uptight parents and play drinking games for three years.  They will then enter a community college program in which they learn all the basic shit they need to know in one year.
  • Under the “Blow Less Smoke Up the Kids’ Asses Initiative of 2030” teachers will be required to stop inspiring kids to reach for the stars seeing as how jobs will be in incredibly short supply by then.  “Good Job” will be replaced with “This A+ Will Get You Nowhere So You Might As Well Have Goofed Off Last Night” and “Try Harder Next Time” will become “As We Speak Companies Are Making Robots That Can Literally Do Anything You Can Do Only Faster, Better, and Cheaper, so Spark a Spliff and Stop Giving a Shit Already.”
  • By 2100, every movie and television show will have been rebooted three times. Entertainment industry analysts will lament the non-stop slew of “rebooted reboot reboots.”  “Is there not a single original story out there that can be retold in triplicate?” a notorious critic will inquire.
  • Bookshelf Q. Battler will freeze his brain so he can be brought back to life as a cyborg in a distant future, during which time his website will still only attract the attention of a mere 3.5 readers.
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Jun 02 2016
12 Comments
Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion With BQB – Should Captain America Be Gay?

Happy Thursday 3.5 readers.

There’s been a twitter campaign as of late to turn Captain America gay.  Have him fall in love with his good friend Bucky Barnes and have those two start going at it and everything.

Eh.  You know, I’m sympathetic to the idea that gay people would like to see themselves represented in a super hero movie but I’m not sure rewriting a character who has been obviously straight (hello, he’s carried a torch for Agent Peggy Carter forever) and turn him gay out of left field.

Plus it seems stereotypical to assume that because someone has a longtime friendship with someone of the same sex (like Cap and Bucky) that they just can’t be friends and instead that friendship must somehow mean they’re gay.

It’s probably not all that politically correct to argue against it but the idea just seems to out of left field to work.  Plus, I’m not sure movie studios want to start making changes to movies based on twitter campaigns. Before you know it, the masses will just start running the movie business.

A gay superhero could work but I think the solution would be to find or create a gay super hero and not necessarily rewrite a currently straight hero to become gay.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

 

 

 

 

 

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Jun 02 2016
9 Comments
Technology

How to Tell If Your Website is Mobile Friendly

Greetings 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

I don’t remember exactly when, but at some point in the last year, those fine folks at Google announced that websites that are mobile friendly would be, and I’m not quite sure how to explain this, given more consideration I guess in web hits.

There are probably nerdmeisters that can explain this better but ultimately, if you have a post about how to kick a yeti in the face and I have a post about to kick a yeti in the face and some schmuck out in Timbuktu does a web search for “How to Kick a Yeti in the Face” – your website is more likely to come up higher in said schmuck’s search results if yours is mobile friendly and mine is not.

What’s that? You want to know if your website is user friendly but you don’t know who to find out?

You are in luck, reader.

Google has a mobile friendly test.

Simply enter your URL and it well tell you if your site is mobile friendly or not.

Alas, it turns out that my fine website, bookshelfbattle.com is not considered mobile friendly at all.

If anything, it is mobile anti-social.

So I suppose at some point down the road I will take the plunge and find a new theme.

I worry about that. I feel like the baseball player that doesn’t want to change his smelly underpants in the bottom of the ninth because wearing smelly underpants has helped him win so far so why change anything?

But I suppose if hits are at stake I must do what I can to get those sweet, sweet web hits.

The last thing I need is for some OTHER jackass with a website about being a magic bookshelf caretaking yeti fighter with an alien buddy stealing MY web hits.

 

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Jun 02 2016
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Uncategorized

How the West Was Zombed = #220 in Wattpad Horror Fiction

Hey geeks, nerds and assorted poindexters.

BQB here.

How the West Was Zombed is climbing back up the Wattpad Horror charts!

Currently #220!

Read. Follow me. Vote. Comment. Help me make the zombification of Wild West that much better.

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