Tag Archives: bloggers

Jul 19 2015
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The Yeti

Bookshelf Q. Battler on Facebook

By:  The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster

The Yeti, Uninvited Correspondent

The Yeti, Uninvited Correspondent/BQB’s Nemesis

Obligatory roar.

What is this, this Facebook nonsense that you pathetic Americans insist on foisting onto the world?

I got on to my super charged Commodore 64 and here’s what I found:

“Oh look at me, I’m eating a burrito for lunch!  Let me take 507 photos of it and post them immediately.”

“Oh, yes, my smelly child said something adorable today.  Allow me to tell you all about it in excruciating detail.”

“I spent my morning shopping for sandals.  Aren’t I the incorrigible one?”

“Here’s my polarizing political opinion.  Disagree with me and you are the devil!”

“When it comes to candy, I’m for it!”

“Look, my dog is adorable.”

“Ahh, here’s me with a drink in my hand.  I am such a free spirit!”

“PATOOIE!” says this Yeti.

As you non-Yetis are aware, I was from Siberia.  (At least I was, until my sworn enemy Bookshelf Q. Battler imprisoned me deep below the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound for my International Yeti War Crimes.

(There was an incident.  I tried to take down the Bookshelf Battle Blog to prevent it from spreading awesomeness across the globe.  I believe the only forms of entertainment that should be consumed are Olga’s Stewstravaganza and my book, 101 Ways to Ration Your Toilet Paper).

Anyway, Facebook is just another dumb example of evil American capitalist exploitation.  Sure, you all laugh and trade pictures of your lives on it, but Zuckerberg will have the last laugh when he uses your info to declare himself Emperor of the World.

Until then, I suppose you could check out Facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler – BQB’s Facebook Page 

Like it and you’ll get BQB’s nonsense directly into your feed, though why you’d want to read more of that jerk face’s ramblings I don’t know.

Yes yes, you all have fun on your blogs and social media and so on, living carefree lives while ignoring the plight of smelly yetis everywhere.

All I want to know is how you all share your damn vacation photos and mundane anecdotes all day long without passing out from the boredom.

Want to know how we used to punish people in the Siberian gulag?  We showed them our vacation photos and told them mundane anecdotes!

“Muah ha ha!  Confess to your crimes against Siberia or I’ll tell you about that Diet Coke I spilled on myself and show you photos of the lasagna I ate for dinner!”

Foolish Americans.  The fine videos provided by Paint Drying Media are the only form of American entertainment I like.

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Jul 09 2015
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Ask the Alien

Alien Jones Abducting Your Questions!

And he really wants to answer them too.

Alien Jones abducting questions from indie authors.

Alien Jones abducting questions from indie authors.

And not just because his Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has threatened to vaporize him if he doesn’t.

Still need proof?  Here’s a conversation we had just the other day:

BQB:  Alien Jones, you’d still help indie authors promote their books on the Bookshelf Battle Blog even if the Mighty Potentate hadn’t threatened to vaporize you, right?

AJ:  Ummm…

BQB:  I doubt he’s listening.

AJ:  He’s totally listening!  He knows all!  YES!  Yes, of course, I love answering human questions.  It warms the cockles of my ganderflazer it surely does.  I love writing the “Ask the Alien” column just as much as I love the Mighty Potentate.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jul 03 2015
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One a Day Post Challenge

One Post a Day for a Year Challenge – The Point of No Return

Happy Friday, 3.5 Readers.1371251154-2

This year sure has flown by.

For those just tuning in, I’m knee deep in a one post a day for a year challenge.

As promised at the beginning, angry yetis, ninjas, chupacabras, robots, highlanders, or any other distractions will not stop this nerd from his appointed rounds.

It’s been a real hustle, but so far it’s been worth it:

TWITTER: 2000 at end of last year to 5,000 as of yesterday.  (Up 3,000)

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: Around 400 at end of last year to over 1,200 as of today.  (Up 800)

By the end of the year, I’d love to get my Twitter follows up to 10K and WordPress follows up to 2K.  Any help you can provide with that would be awesome.  Do you have a favorite Bookshelf Battle Blog post?  Please consider sharing a link on your blog or favorite social media platform.

The Road Ahead

So many people suffer from writer’s block that I hate to say this, but I suffer from something else:

Writer’s Idea Surge

I have too many ideas and barely enough time to scratch the surface of them all.  I want to write a book based on every idea I have and I want to have done it yesterday but alas, life gets in the way.

I’d like to pull a Dr. Malcolm from Jurassic Park.  Life should uh…find a way, in my case.

I’ve given Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life short shrift lately, putting more of my energy into Pop Culture Mysteries.  

I go where the feedback goes and the numbers show people have been peaking at Jake’s adventures more than BQB’s.

I love them both and I need to finish my BQB story.  After all, when that yarn is spun, it will set out the whole point of this blog, that namely, it’s the online presence of a nerdy storyteller with a magic bookshelf.  His awesomeness attracts an assortment of characters (an angry yeti, a know it all alien, a mad scientist and yes, even a 1950’s detective) who want to tell their tales on his blog.

But I also have to help Jake edit and post his case files.  I think his stories have the potential to get the BQB brand into the self published novel business.

I’m going to let Jake run wild in July then tell him to take a chill pill in August so I can finish the epic story of how I discovered the meaning of life with my newfound main squeeze Victoria Gloria (aka Video Game Rack Fighter).

Believe it or not but BQB and the Meaning of Life needs to conclude because there is some crossover with Pop Culture Mysteries.

In PCM, I (BQB) am sort of the Charlie who commands the angels without ever being seen.  (Don’t tell Jake I called him an angel).

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if all goes to plan, I’d like to work on my “crowdsourcing a novel” idea this fall.

Jake’s ready to share his experiences from one of his most notorious cases, the hunt for the infamous serial killer known as Mr. Devil Man.

I’ll post Jake’s excerpts, you fine 3.5 readers can tell me what works and what doesn’t and ultimately, advise me on whether or not this would be worth packaging into a novel to be sold on Amazon.

(As a 1950’s guy, Jake doesn’t understand that self publishing = profit so uh, you know, don’t tell him that either.  Alien Jones and I are planning to use the book proceeds to go to Vegas).

Right now I’m in the “if you build it, they will come” phase.  I’m averaging around 50 readers a day (a far cry from 3.5).  That inspires me to keep going but at the same time, I know I need to keep increasing that figure in order to make the pace I’m working at sustainable into the future.

As always, thanks for reading 3.5.  You are the glue that holds this whole shebang together.

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Jun 26 2015
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BQB and the Meaning of Life

BQB and the Meaning of Life – Part 20 – Welcome to the Third World

PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE…

READ

AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…

“Welcome to the Third World International Airport,”  the announcer said.  “We’d tell you what country you are in, but we don’t want to offend the 3.5 people reading this story.”

Inside the airport, Vicky and I walked through the hustle and bustle.

A boy ran up to me with a bundle of roses and yanked on my shirt tail.

“Mr. American sir!” the boy said. “Buy some flowers for your pretty wife!”

I looked at Vicky. She giggled. I grinned.

“She’s not my uh…OK kid. How much?”

“Five hundred US Dollars,” the boy said.

“Get outta’ here!”

“OK,” the boy said. “You drive a hard bargain. Five US dollars!”

“One US dollar!” I said.

“What?” the boy asked. “Your wife isn’t worth five dollars?”

A notorious skinfelt, Bookshelf Q. Battler (BQB) was so smitten with Video Game Rack Fighter (VGRF) that he shelled out five, count em, five big ones for some posies. He really did. Moths flew out of his wallet and everything.

A notorious skinflint, Bookshelf Q. Battler (BQB) was so smitten with Video Game Rack Fighter (VGRF) that he shelled out five, count em, five big ones for some posies. He really did. Moths flew out of his wallet and everything.

Damn it. Trapped by a little street vendor’s logic. I pulled a fiver out of my wallet and handed it to him. He gave the rose to Vicky.

“Why thank you, Ed,” Vicky said. “I’m flattered.”

We found a table and sat down.

“So,” Vicky said. “I told you I’m going to visit the Great Guru so I can ask him about the meaning of life. You never told me why you’re going to Pango-Tango.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well, funny you mention it, I’m also trying to visit the Great Guru.”

Vicky’s beautiful eyes blossomed.

“You are?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Do you want to know the meaning of life too?” she asked.

I didn’t want to lie. But I didn’t want another Blandie on my hands either.

“My company,” I said. “Beige Corp. They sent me to uh…make a sales call. Yeah. That’s it. The Great Guru wants to by some beige products and accessories for his sanctuary.”

“Wow,” Vicky said. “Beige?”

“Yeah.”

“The Guru must have really boring taste.”

“Yeah.”

Vicky scratched her head.

“You know,” she said. “This might sound dumb, but I have no idea what to do now.”

“Me neither,” I said. “I just bought a ticket to “Somewhere in the Third World” because that’s the closest the airlines will take you to Pango-Tango.”

“Me too!” Vicky said. “Oh good! At least we’re both flying by the seat of our pants!”

“I was hoping there’d be a boat or a connecting flight or something once I

Seems trustworthy,

Seems trustworthy,

got here,” I said.

I felt a tapping on my shoulder. I turned around to find a goofy looking man wearing a brown leather bomber jacket. His eyes were covered by a pair of goggles.

“Did I hear you and your wife say you want to get to Pango-Tango?”

Will BQB and VGRF ever make it to Pango Tango?  And do they really want to trust this wacko?  More BQB and the meaning of life to come!

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Nerds with flowers and wacky pilot images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jun 22 2015
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The Writer's Battle

The Week Ahead

Happy Monday, 3.5 Readers.1371251154-2

I hope everyone is enjoying Pop Culture Mysteries.  I have to say I’m glad this idea popped into my head.

I’ve heard Jake says these stories are a joy to write and at the risk of offending Alien Jones, it’s the best writing to appear on this blog since it began over a year ago.

Part 4 of “Who Shot First?” will appear tomorrow.  Hatcher will once again enlist the help of Agnes the Librarian, an elderly woman who ironically knows her way around a computer (aka a beep boop machine) better than Hatcher.

But what can you expect?  He’s a 1950’s kind of guy, after all.

I’ll need some time to write the ending of the story, so the rest of “Who Shot First?” will come back later.  I’ll try my best to not leave you hanging for more than a week, but alas, my schedule is kind of hectic so who knows.

In the meantime, Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life returns soon.  I, Bookshelf Q. Battler and my new love interest, Video Game Rack Fighter, will continue on our quest for the answer to life’s most vexing question.

3.5 Readers, I wish there were more of you, but I take what I can get and knowing that at least someone is enjoying this motivates me to keep going.

We’ve talked about the week ahead, so what about the future ahead?

The best part of this one post a day for a year challenge is that it’s forced me to produce.  Without some kind of deadline, I’m likely to just fall into the trap of putting my writing off forever.

The worst part is there are times when I realize if I blogged less and worked on a novel more, that novel could eventually find its way on amazon.

But without an effort to expand my fan base beyond 3.5 readers, who’d read it?

It’s all about investment.  I’m putting in the time to become a better writer.

At the same time, I realize when you take time out of your busy lives, you’re doing so with the belief that I’m going to entertain you.

Rest assured, I’m doing my best not to let you down.

The “3.5” thing is a fun joke.  In reality, around 30-50 or so of you have been checking the blog daily, assumedly to find out what’s going on with me, or Jake, or AJ.  Hell, some of you even care about the Yeti or Dr. Hugo Von Science.

I appreciate it.  This blog is written during the few moments I get to steal away from everything else that’s demanding my attention, and as long as you keep reading, I’ll keep reminding myself its worth it to keep writing and to not just waste my time with the netflix bingeathons my mind so desperately craves.

I hate the marketing side and I hate to be “that guy” who asks his 3.5 readers for favors, but with that being said, if you have a favorite Bookshelf Battle Blog post, please consider sharing it somewhere on the Internet (or has Hatcher calls it, “the Interwhatever.”)

Twitter, Facebook, a Reblog, whatever you can do to bring more eyes this way would be appreciated.

Alien Jones, who believes his assignment to help me launch my writing career is beneath him, would certainly be thrilled if you can help me get this off the ground so he can focus on more important matters, like saving the universe from the dreaded Moloklaxons.

Remember when this used to be a book blog?  Ahh, memories…

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Apr 30 2015
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Self Publishing

Self Publishing Podcast in Primetime

Johnny Sean and Dave doing a special 8:00 pm primetime live show in honor of their three year anniversary.

They did not get each other flowers.

Check it out.  They’re on now:

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Apr 25 2015
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Self Publishing

Self Publishing Podcast Interview of Andy Weir – Author of “The Martian”

Let’s face it.

We all say, “oh, I’m just in it for the art!” but deep down, we all secretly hope, dream and fantasize that The_Martian_2014one day our writing will be embraced by the masses, a big pile of money will be dumped on our heads, and our work will be read by everyone and turned into a Hollywood movie!

Well, as it turns out, that happened for Andy Weir, author of The Martian.

Andy was on the Self Publishing Podcast this week with “Johnny, Sean and Dave” aka Johnny B. Truant, Sean Platt and David W. Wright.

Keep one thing in mind, aspiring scribes – success in the writing game doesn’t happen overnight.

Andy discussed how he’s been at it for years – that he’s been blogging since the early 2000’s, how he spent a long time seeking a traditional publishing deal with no success, that initially wrote “The Martian” as a serial on his blog, that his followers urged him to turn said serial into an ebook on Amazon and boom, it took off.  Now he’s a highly successful author and a movie based on his book starring Matt Damon is scheduled for release at the end of this year.

The important thing to note?  Yes, some people are very lucky and see those doors to success swing wide open for them early on.  And good for them.  Others, like Andy, had to painstakingly climb that ladder one rung at a time.

After hearing his story, I can’t think of someone more deserving.  He really put his work in and earned his success.

As always, Johnny, Sean and Dave bringing us a great show.  And they didn’t even veer off topic this time!

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Apr 19 2015
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Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones Tonight!

IMG_1757Just a reminder – after tonight’s episode I’ll be doing a show wrap-up.  So many GOT fan bloggers out there.  Feel free to stop by, chew the fat, offer your latest conspiracy theory, debunk some of mine, and while you’re at it, toss in a plug for your blog.

I’m always happy to do what I can to send my 3.5 readers (including my Aunt Gertrude) your way.

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Apr 16 2015
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Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Part 4 – House Yeti

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti.  Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men.  Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.

And now Game of Yetis continues…

It was the best drink that ever rolled across Lord Yeti’s tongue.

Not because it was particularly succulent…or even delicious.  He’d had better.

The Dew of the Mountain tasted so good to Lord Yeti because it was the property of his sworn enemy, one Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler.

“Father,” Yetyrion said.  “Why do you despise Lord BQB so?”

Lord Yeti grunted and sipped from a chalice filled to the brim with fizzy goodness.

“Is it because Lord BQB is ridiculously handsome?”  Yetyrion asked.

“What?”  Lord Yeti said.  “No.”

“Do you hate Lord BQB because he is exceptionally clever?”

“Lord BQB clever?”  Lord Yeti asked.  “Please.  I’ve seen yeti droppings with more wit and wisdom than that hack.”

“Jealousy then is it?”  Yetyrion asked.  “You’ve been bitten by the green eyed monster is a God among men?”

“Did Lord BQB write these questions for you?”  Lord Yeti asked.

“No,”  Yetyrion replied.  “Umm…maybe.  No.  No he didn’t.”

A hundred roars filled the castle walls, warning the supreme ruler that trouble was afoot.  Lord Yeti walked the spiral staircase all the way to very top of Castle Yeti, which overlooked the frigidly arctic wasteland that sprawled its way north of The Wall.

“Why have you roared an alarm?”  Lord Yeti asked.

“My Lord,”  the commander of the banner yetis said.  “Look!”

Lord Yeti peered through a spy glass to see a thousand white walkers trudge their way toward Castle Yeti.

It was a sight so unusual that Lord Yeti dropped his chalice of pilfered Dew of the Mountain, allowing it to spill all over the stone floor below.

Yetyrion finally made his way up the staircase to the rooftop, only to find his father and a band of awe struck yetis.

“What’d I miss guys?”

Yeah I know. It's a bear.

Yeah I know. It’s a bear.

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Apr 01 2015
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One a Day Post Challenge

I Quit

I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, Proprietor of a Book Blog That Has Only Reviewed 4 Books in a Year, Ninja Karate Master of the Drunk Monkey and Regal Swan Attack Patterns, Former King of Madagascar for Three Days (It’s a Long Story, Don’t Ask), Stealth Fighter Test Pilot, Indy Race Car Driver and All Around Bad Ass to End All Bad Asses…

Do hereby officially declare that I quit the one post a day challenge.  It was a stupid idea and has left me open to a daily barrage of Highlander attacks, zombie sighting and or potential bitings, Narwhals (Did you know there are living, breathing unicorn whales?  Look that shit up, son!), and Yeti roundhouse kickings.

Worse, various ne’er-do-wells who will stop at nothing, NOTHING I SAY to prevent me from spreading my awesomeness to the world have literally, every hour on the hour, locked me in a safe and tossed me into the ocean from a helicopter, leaving me no choice but to make a Houdini style break for it no less than 24 times a day.  I don’t want to be a whiner, but that is some tiresome nonsense right there.

I’ve been transported to the Planet of the Apes, shout out of a catapult, sent back in time, sent forward in time just to wait long enough for the technology to travel back in time to be created, and I have been assaulted by so many Cthululus (Cthululi) that I have grown immune to their hideous squiddy faces.

Seriously, this is what I wake up to every morning:

BQB:  Uggghh.  It’s morning.  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler.  I’m tired as crap.  I better get get some pants out of the closet and….

CTHULU:  OOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!  STOP BLOGGING!  OOGA!

BQB:  ARGH!  A CTHULU!   :::CTHULU PUNCH!:::

Seriously, Forces of Evil Who Demand I Stop Spreading Literacy, Fun, and Good Times to the Masses.  You’ve really outdone yourselves.  Goblins in my sock drawer.  Socks in my goblin drawer.  Gremlins who wait until I fall asleep and then proceed to sing “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina!” at the top of their creepy little lungs.  I haven’t slept since Dec. 31, 2014.  Damn you, show tune singing gremlins!

This is no way for the man who trained Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, and Jean Claude Van-Damme to be treated.  I am a blogger with skills that have allowed me to amass 3.5 readers.  I should not have to Vulcan neck pinch a werewolf every time I want to get a donut from my kitchen.  Honest to God, 16 Werewolf neck pinches a day are too much.

But do you want to know the real coup de grace?  The real straw that broke the camel’s back?  The real bee in my bonnet?  The real unidentified substance in my cornflakes?

This evening, around 6:48 pm, I went to the fridge to fetch my strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait only to discover that the YETI ATE MY STRAWBERRY GRANOLA CINNAMON YOGURT PARFAIT!

OFFICIAL REENACTMENT

BQB:  Yeti?  Did you eat my strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait!

YETI:  YES!  AND IT WAS DELICIOUS!

BQB:  YETI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Picture Kirk screaming “KHAN!” at the top of his lungs, but with the sonic aftershocks of armageddon thunder from the bowels of Hell.  That is how loud I screamed “YETI!” when I discovered that my perpetual captor turned loser houseguest, the Yeti, ate my strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait.

If you were clear across the world, in say, China and you heard the word “YETI!” being yelled, that was me.

BQB’s 3 RULES OF LIFE

1.  Never steal another man’s woman.

2.  Never challenge a Yeti to a best 2 out of 3 roundhouse kick competition.

3.  Never touch another man’s strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait.  I don’t know why I need to explain that shit to people when it it literally written in the bible on page 7.  Go check your bible.  I’ll wait.

So guess what, Evil?  I quit.  I give up.  I’m calling it kaput.  You can cease and desist your plans to drop man eating piranhas (piranha?) in my underpants drawer, as if I’m too incompetent to not notice man eating piranhas in my underpants more than 3 times in my life.  Seriously, give me some credit.

Stop sending wave after wave of assassins after me.  Sure, the fight is exhilarating but when I defeat them with my pinky finger while cooking my breakfast waffle with my free hand, I end up feeling guilty and sad for the assassins.  I’m just too nice for my own good.

Also, that asteroid you sent to destroy Earth just so you could take me out?  Yes, I did stop it and send it back into space by staring at it in a stern, disapproving manner.  What’s that Earth?  You didn’t hear anything about Earth being destroyed by a damn asteroid?

Uh…yeah.  You’re welcome

I’m out of the game, off the clock, out to lunch, and off in left field.  I turn in my blogging papers and give up.  I will blog no more.  So please stop all the madness, Forces of Evil.  You win.  The one post a day challenge is over.  The world will no longer experience a daily dose of my awesomeness, and you evil creatures get what you want.

Good for you.  I hope you’re happy.

3.5 readers (2.5 excluding Aunt Gertie), I thank you for taking this ride with me.  I pray you are not disappointed in my decision to quit, but I tell you, there are only so many damn Yetis, sasquatches, assassins, Cthulus, narwhals, bears, and Broadway musical performing gremlins that I can stand.

Lesser men than I would have quit long ago.  That I have withstood 3 months of this garbage proves my rugged machismo to the masses.

Speaking of, now that this insane challenge is done, I can now give in to the thrice an hour calls from Katee Sackhoff and Katy Perry, who demand I quit blogging, not because they want to rob the world of my awesomeness, but rather, to have it all to themselves.

I look forward to many days of helping Katee with two ee’s (Katy 1) find new and adventurous sci-fi babes to play.  I also can’t wait to write some songs for Katy with a y (Katy 2).

Here’s a littly diddy I cooked up based on her past songs:

La dee la de la…I like to dance.

La de la de la…I like romance.

Dum dee do dee da…candy and smiles.

Dum dee dum dee dum…sing for awhile.

DROPS MIC.  IM OUTTIE 5000, SUCKA MC’S!  PEACE!  YA HEARD?

BQB LEGAL DISCLAIMER:  BQB HAS NEVER BEEN CALLED OR CONTACTED BY EITHER KATEE OR KATY.  IN FACT, WE HERE AT THE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER LEGAL DEPARTMENT ARE FAIRLY CERTAIN SAID LADIES WOULD FIND BQB TO BE A HIDEOUS MUTANT.  GOOD DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.

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