Peter Dinklage was great last night as the host of Saturday Night Live. Lots of Game of Thrones jokes, he got naked with Leslie Jones and he did a duet about space pants with Gwen Stefani:
“Space pants! Maybe you missed ’em. My pants are a tour of the solar system.”
SPACE PANTS, MAYBE YOU MISSED ‘EM, MY PANTS ARE A TOUR OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM
Vampir. Children of the night. Demonic bloodsuckers.
Call them what you will but if your girlfriend is one of them, she might just call you lunch…and not in a good way.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs that Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire.
10. She’s the only girl you’ve ever dated who doesn’t spend a lot of time primping in front of the mirror.
9. Awkwardly works the word “bleah” into regular conversation.
8. Hypnotizes you through glamour techniques to get you to do her bidding. (This could be inconclusive as most women do this anyway.)
7. She totally sucks. Insert joke here.
6. You often wake up feeling woozy with two small holes in your neck. Calling her on it will do nothing as she’ll just shrug her shoulders, channel Shaggy and say “wasn’t me.”
5. Always has an excuse to get out of dates planned during the day. Long walks in the park or on the beach are out. Dive bars and rave clubs are in.
4. Seems a little too old mentally for her physical age. Swears she’s only twenty-five but get her drunk and she’ll tell you all about the dark ages.
3. Sometimes she seems a little cold. No, not emotionally cold. Whenever you hold her hand it’s like a damn popsicle.
2. Sleeps in a coffin. Swears its just because she’s a goth but you’re not convinced.
Ninjutsu. The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.
If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.
But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:
10. Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move. Don’t worry. That’s just ninja foreplay.
9. You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher. It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.
8. Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around, then disappear just as quickly as it arrived. You’re left confused yet strangely satisfied and in need of a cigarette.
7. You wish she could be like most women and leave your “Honey-Do” list of chores on the kitchen table. Instead, you’ve grown accustomed to walking down the hall, minding your own business, only to have a damn throwing knife sail past your eyes. It ends up pinned to the wall with a note attached that reads, “Take out the trash. You forgot to last week and it is starting to stink. Also be a lamb and get my dry cleaning.”
6. She wins every argument by shooting you in the neck with a blow dart.
5. Her closet has more black outfits hanging in it than Johnny Cash ever owned.
4. As a joke, you told her that her butt looks big in those black pants. As her foot connected to your face in a perfectly executed roundhouse kick, you realized this joke was ill advised.
3. She runs up the sides of buildings. You get winded running a mile down the road.
2. Brings her katana blade on every date. Refuses to explain why. You try your best to make small talk but you can still see the handle peaking over her shoulder as it sits in the sheath strapped to her back.
Oh Hollywood. When will you ever learn that every time you put out another cheesy romantic movie, you’re causing the women in our lives to hold us up to ridiculously high standards?
Men, are your women way into romance flicks for YOUR own good?
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten warning signs your girlfriend might be a romance movie fanatic:
10. She watched Serendipity then erased her number from your phone and wrote it down in a copy of the book, Love in the Time of Cholera. She sold the book to a used book store and then informed you that you will never talk to her again unless fate sees that the book with her number in it makes its way to you. You call her the next day and you are all like “Seriously babe I remember your number because we’ve been dating for years” and she’s like “Why do you ruin everything?”
9. Whenever she watches Sleepless in Seattle, she demands that you meet her at the top of the Empire State Building. After doing this once or twice, you sit her down for a talk in which you explain that while you do love her very much, you’re going to end up in the poor house if you have to take time off of work, fly to New York City and then stand around on top of the Empire State Building like a jackass every time Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are on TV. She laments your total lack of Tom Hanks in his prime charm.
8. Ever since she saw Notting Hill she greets you with “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.” It seems sweet at first, but then she starts demanding you speak with a Hugh Grant-esque British accent. You could do it to keep the peace if you wanted to. It’s mostly just going “um um um uh” a lot but you refuse to demean yourself. You’re an American, dammit and she can take your regular voice or leave it. (Psst…she’ll probably leave it.)
7. My Best Friend’s Wedding leaves her disappointed if get togethers involving your family don’t break out in a spontaneous song and dance rendition of I Say A Little Prayer For You. You try your best to make it happen but your Aunt Edna can’t hit the high notes.
6. Her love of Say Anything requires you to stand outside her window in a trench coat whilst holding a boom box in the air. She won’t make any reasonable concessions about this. You still have to wear the trench coat in August and no matter how heavy the boom box gets, she won’t let you hold up your iPhone with Pandora blaring on it instead.
5. Chasing Amy has led her to believe your relationship would improve if a) she were to become a lesbian and b) you tried to look more like Ben Affleck. The lesbian thing is doable but the Ben Affleck thing is unlikely.
4. Ever since you two watched The Notebook, she asks if you’d spend a large chunk of your life in a depressed funk if she were to ever leave you. You realize it’s for your own good to say yes but deep inside, you know there are other fish in the sea. Most won’t require you to climb up the side of a ferris wheel like a dumb ass either.
3. She has long dreamed that you’d become more like Patrick Swayze in Ghost and sensually work a pottery wheel with her in perfect time with her hands. You try your best but the apartment just ends up covered with sticky gobs of clay. Part of you just wants to give her five bucks to go buy a damn ash tray, flower pot or whatever she’s always trying to make with that thing.
2. She made you watch Love Story. You’ve been on anti-depressants ever since.
Witch.
Not exactly the nicest thing to call your girlfriend…unless she is one.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warnings Signs that Your Smoochy Poo might be a Witchy Poo:
10. She’s always green…even when she isn’t sick.
9. But unlike Kermit, being green is easy for her.
8. Whenever she leaves, your broomstick is nowhere to be found. That’s ok though because you weren’t that much of a housekeeper anyway you dirty slob.
7. You’re not entirely sure water would melt her, but now that you think of it, you can’t recall ever seeing her drink a bottle of Aquafina. Maybe she’s a witch or maybe she’s just not a dumb ass who is willing to shell out good money for bottled water when the tap is perfectly fine. (But seriously, if you two live in Flint, Michigan and she doesn’t drink Aquafina then she is a big time witch my friend.)
6. Her closet contains a wide selection of black pointy hats with belt buckles on them. She is unable to explain what the hell those belt buckles are for. Seriously, does anyone out there know why witch hats have belt buckles on them? Belts are for pants you dumb witches!
5. She steadfastly maintains that Dorothy was the villain in The Wizard of Oz.
4. Her purse contents include: lipstick, chapstick, hairspray, mints and eye of newt.
3. Always wins the fight by turning you into a toad. She eventually turns you back to normal, but your craving for flies never goes away.
2. She cackles at all of your jokes. But she’s got a good heart because she even cackles at the ones that aren’t funny. And most of them aren’t funny.
HONORABLE MENTION
We would have also accepted:
And now from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Reality Television Star!
10. Cameras follow her around wherever she goes, despite the fact that she never does anything relevant or newsworthy whatsoever.
9. Meanwhile, producers follow you around wherever you go, demanding that you engage your girlfriend in obviously contrived dramatic interactions. Tell her you have a disease that you don’t really have. Tell her that her sister is dying when she doesn’t even have a sister. Tell her a mutual friend that doesn’t exist was just hit by a bus. Just tell her something that sounds totally awful to keep the viewers from changing the channel.
8. That teeny weeny dog living in her purse gets more kisses from her than you do.
7. When she does kiss you she leaves so much glitter on you that you end up looking like Tinkerbell took a dump on your face.
6. You’ve grown accustomed to words like “lurve,” “totes” and “bae.” At least when you’re down, you can always count on a “I totes lurve u 4-eva bae” text. (If she isn’t busy at da club.)
5. She drinks enough to drop a Clydesdale, yet somehow manages to looks good in the morning…er, well…in the afternoon…after twenty-five assistants fix and readjust everything.
4. She has her own fragrance, vodka, fashion line and music album. Yet somehow, her head will explode if you ask her to read The Cat in the Hat.
3. You broke the news to her that your doctor thinks you need a colonoscopy. She wants to know if she can live tweet the whole experience and put the camera feed on periscope.
2. People are constantly searching the inter webs for nude photos of her. Stop selling nude photos of her, you pervert.
YOU: Hi babe. Sorry I’m late.
HER: #tookyoulongenough!
YOU: I couldn’t help it. Traffic was a nightmare.
HER: #tellsomeonewhocares
YOU: Aww. Don’t be like that.
HER: #worstboyfriendever!
HONORABLE MENTION:
We would have also accepted:
The Russians.
Oh sure, they say they want to be our friends but then as soon as we aren’t looking they kick the Ukraine in the balls and give East Europe a wedgie.
Let’s face it. For many Russians the Cold War never ended and they’re looking for their chance to spread communism across the globe.
Fellow American men, here are some warning signs that your girlfriend might in fact be a Russian spy:
10. You asked her if she is a Russian spy and her answer was “nyet.” Nyet, of course, is Russian for “no.” This is a clear sign your girlfriend is a Russian spy as an American woman would have responded, “No” or “Shut up and buy me something assface.”
9. You glanced at her cell phone and noticed she has “Putin” listed in her contacts.
8. She gets up in the middle of the night, strips naked, opens up the freezer and then just stands there taking in the cold blast. You could question her about this, but she’ll just give you some bullshit excuse about it being some kind of weird sex fetish. In actuality, she does this because it reminds her of summertime in her native Siberia.
7. She can’t name a single player on the local baseball team. (Note for this to work you need to not be a nerd who doesn’t know a single player on your local baseball team.)
6. She has difficulty fitting in during social gatherings. You and your friends always want to talk about movies, music and popular culture whereas she just keeps randomly blurting out stuff like, “Religion is the opiate of the masses!” and “When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use!”
5. Ever since she got a look at your fully stocked bathroom she’s been willing to do horrible, unspeakable things in the boudoir in exchange for a roll of two-ply. “Pass the Charmin” has taken on an entirely new meaning.
4. You have compared notes with your male friends. When their girlfriends get mad at them, they get a lecture or the cold shoulder. When your girlfriend gets mad at you, she slams her shoe down on the counter and shouts, “We will bury you!”
3. Whenever you ask her where she wants to go on your next date, she invariably replies, “the Pentagon” then asks if you know whether or not they allow flash photography.
2. She regularly asks if that is a hammer or a sickle in your pants or are you just happy to see her.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:
10. She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.
9. She wants you for your brains. No, not the thoughts in your brains. You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.
8. She bumps into walls more than usual.
7. You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.
6. She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.
5. She looks really mad at you. You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”
4. She asks if her butt looks big in the jeans she is wearing. You note that her butt fell off weeks ago.
3. Despite a lack of cognitive functions, she still has the ability to get mad at you about shit you did a long time ago.
EXAMPLE
YOU: Babe, stop trying to eat my brains.
HER: Grrr…argh…I bet you’d let that bitch you were staring at at the club in 2009 eat your brains…grrr…argh…brains…
2. Also, despite the above mentioned lack of cognitive functions, she still holds you to the impossibly high standards set by Hollywood romance movies.
EXAMPLE
YOU: Babe, your face is leaking puss.
HER: Grr…argh…you should still love me anyway…grrr…and you should have better hair, bigger muscles, more money, and a cooler car…grrr…argh…brains!
Mr. Leo McKoy – Former Delivery Driver, Noted Barfly, the Man Who Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek and East Randomtown Mayoral Candidate.
Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Sure, he has secured his spot as one of East Randomtown’s most famous citizens, having developed a WordPress blog that attracts the eyes of 3.5 readers. An amazing accomplishment to be certain, as most East Randomtownsfolk don’t even know how to turn a damn computer on.
But has BQB ever met James Van Der Beek?
We think not.
The year was 1999. Bill Clinton was president. Holy shit. That president got more college intern booty than a toilet stall at Cal Tech.
The hottest prom song was the Macarena and everyone lived in fear that the Y2K glitch was going to bring about the birth of Skynet.
The hottest show on television? Dawson’s Creek. Teens tuned in every week to watch the adventures of Dawson Leary, his incorrigible best friend Pacey, Dawson’s love interest, Joey and Jen, the town slut with a super nice grandma.
Enter Leo McKoy. He was a simple delivery driver for Schultz Delicatessen. Or was it that simple a coincidence that he held this position? Perhaps the stars aligned and the fates put McKoy into this minimum wage job in order for him to meet one James Van Der Beek, the actor who played Dawson.
It was a hot summer day. An order came in. McKoy was charged with delivering a reuben sandwich with extra cole slaw, a bag of barbecue potato chips and a Sprite to room 31 of the East Randomtown Motel 9.
Never one to fail an employer, Mr. McKoy found the location, knocked on the door and who should pop his head out but none other than the angel who walks the earth in the form of a man himself, Mr. James Van Der Beek.
Seventeen-years later, Mr. McKoy still remembers the exchange:
MCKOY: Did you order a reuben sandwich with extra cole slaw, a bag of potato chips and a Sprite?
VAN DER BEEK: Yes. Here you go. Keep the change.
Keep the change, indeed. For so mesmerized was Mr. McKoy that he framed the fiver Van Der Beek handed to him. It hangs on McKoy’s wall to this very day and scientists claim the fiver contains trace amounts of Van Der Beek’s hand sweat.
There are average men and then there is Mr. McKoy.
The average man would have taken one look at the man god that was Van Der Beek in his prime, dropped the food on the floor, and run away with his arms flailing, because let’s face it, no one could ever possibly feel worthy enough to be in James Van Der Beek’s presence. You certainly couldn’t, you loser.
But McKoy did not falter. He did not cave under the pressure. He delivered a famous man dinner, returned the payment to his employer, and lived to tell the tale nearly two damn decades later.
Could Bookshelf Q. Battler have stood up to that kind of pressure?
WE THINK NOT.
Citizens of East Randomtown, you “don’t want to wait for your lives to be over” to elect Leo McKoy – the Man Who Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.
And you don’t have to. You can vote for him this fall.
Jesus Christ. Jen Lindley was such a slut.
THIS MESSAGE WAS PAID FOR BY THE CITIZENS DEDICATED TO CONVINCING YOU THAT BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A BAG OF ASSHOLES AND THAT YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR LEO MCKOY FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR INSTEAD.
:::Bongo drum beats:::
ANNOUNCER: Oh yeah. Welcome all you hep cats and kittens to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where our poets are never good and the cups are never clean.
Sit back, relax and feast your ears on frequently used search engine terms, as recited by a far out beatnik, ya’ dig?
Kardashian! Kardashian!
Nude photos are what I do seek.
Sleek and sexy pics of a goddess created in 1980 though I swear her bosoms must have started cooking in 1975. You jive?
This mole! This mole! This mole that is on my back.
Should I get it looked at, Jack?
When my mole changes colors, is it bad?
Is it just one of the many bodily imperfections that makes me, me?
Or is it the calling card of the Grim Reaper? No it can’t be.
I am not ready.
Though will I ever be?
Probably not.
How much was that Samsung Galaxy that my neighbor bought?
Women! Oh women!
How can I look better for chicks?
How can I drop flab and improve my abs?
Where I can I buy a selfie-stick?
Who killed JFK? Will we meet aliens one day?
Is Trump’s hair for real? Does Costco have good deals?
How many calories are in McDonald’s meals?
I’m trying to watch my weight.
How do I ask a foxy lady out on a date?
Pluto! Oh Pluto! Pluto, are you still a planet?
Or are you just Mickey Mouse’s dog?
How do I fix a toilet that’s been clogged?
Is there anything that Siri doesn’t know?
What in the hell is zero divided by zero?
Can you believe Khloe and Lamar gave it another go?
Whoa! Put my mind at ease.
What’s the best treatment to cure my dog of those pesky fleas?
Is global warming caused by chopping down too many trees?
What smells can be removed with a spritz of Febreze?
Is there a way I can stop losing my car keys?
I want to go to the movies.
What time does the latest flick start?
And tell me…will I die if I hold in my fart?
Who does Caitlyn Jenner’s hair?
Can Ronda Rousey defeat me with one icy glare?
Is this the right season to buy a pear?
Should I go to IKEA to buy my next chair?
Stamos! John Stamos! How in the world does he still look so youthful?
How can I tell if my mate is being truthful?
I can’t think of a word that rhymes with truthful but I can think of thoughts that strain the minds of lesser men.
Why did Mike Brady spend so much time in his den?
Did it make him feel zen?
I know where I am but do you know where I’ve been?
I’ve been to Mars. On a rocket that was thrustin’.
What’s the latest single from Bieber comma Justin?
Is it Sorry? Is he really sorry?
What was the first video console ever made?
I bet it was Atari.
After a first date, how many days must I wait…before I can call that chick again?
Was Peter Parker’s father really named Ben?
Stress! Oh stress! How can I push you away?
When is the next holiday?
Is Adam Lambert gay?
Is that a cool question to even say?
It probably isn’t. My apologies.
What is the best wine to drink while eating cheese?
Bookshelf Battle 