Tag Archives: social media

Apr 20 2016
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Things That Really Frost My Ass

Things That Really Frost My Ass – Excessive Door Holders and Confusing Boob Photos

By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

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Uncle Hardass, Complainer at Large

Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.

Still working on your writing careers, I see.

Hey I have a joke for you. What’s the difference between a writer and a homeless bum?

Homeless bums write their sob stories exclusively on cardboard.

Bah ha ha! I slay me. But seriously, all of you should abandon your hopes and dreams and get jobs immediately. The salt mines are hiring.

It’s been awhile since I’ve gone a complaint spree, so here are two of my latest grievances about the rat trap of a world we live in:

Excessive Door Holders

Have you ever been twenty feet or more away from a door only to have some jackass who reached the door ahead of you stand there and hold it open for you forever, even when you are far away from the door?

Holy shit. Look, I get that social etiquette requires you to hold a door open for a person who is immediately behind you, BUT IT DOES NOT REQUIRE YOU TO HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ANY PERSON ON THE SAME PLANE OF EXISTENCE!

People, putting your hand on a door handle does not require you to stay there and hold that damn door open for anyone and everyone who may want to use that door until the end of time.

Are you unsure as to whether or not a person approaching the door you are currently opening is too far away for you to hold said door open?

Here’s a helpful rule of thumb. Count off three Mississippi’s.  If I’m not there by number three, then start hauling ass, junior. I can open doors by myself just fine and I’m not about to start rushing just because you’ve decided to stand there like a moron and hold a door open for me when the space between us could double as a regulation NFL football field.

Here’s a helpful guide I have created to help you dingbats figure out when and when not to hold the door for someone:

Where the Person is and If You Should Hold the Door Open for Them

3-5 feet behind you.  (Yes)

Some hot babe you want an excuse to meet. (Yes, however far away she may be, though you’ll disappoint her immensely because you are a writer and therefore have nothing to offer her. Get a job at the salt mines and she’ll be all over you.)

Still walking in from the parking lot. (No.)

In France right now but this person may want to enter the building later this year. (No.)

On Mars but this person would like to enter the building at some point this decade. (No.)

In an alternate universe but this person would like to enter the building before time collapses on itself and the universe as we know it ceases to be. (No.)

There you have it. Learn when and when not to hold a door, ya pukes, because I hurry up for no one. If I’m nowhere near the door and you stop to hold it for me like a jackass, it is my God given right as a American to not only refuse to walk faster, but to walk even slower and make you wait for whatever appointment you are going to.

(And let’s be honest. It isn’t a job interview, is it?)

Confusing Boob Photos

Kim Kardashian and her friend Emily Rata…Ratana…Ratajawowwah…

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: It’s Emily Ratajkowski, Uncle Hardass.

Get a job.  Anyway, a couple weeks ago, Kim Kardashian and Emily Ratawhoever posted this photo of their blacked out bosoms with their middle fingers in the air and I for one have been more confused than a three legged greyhound at a racetrack ever since:

Really, what is my response to this photo supposed to be?  Look dames, I know you’re all for women’s rights and all that hullabaloo, but it’s times like these that leave men befuddled.

Here are some possible male responses to this photo, followed by female answers:

MALE RESPONSE #1 – “Holy moly look at those sweater cannons!”

FEMALE RESPONSE #1 – “How dare you objectify women like that, you pig.”

Baffled yet? It gets worse:

MALE RESPONSE #2 – “You’re right. How dare Kim and Emily Ratasomething expose their bosoms to the world! How tasteless!”

FEMALE RESPONSE #2 – “Expletive deleted you! These women are just expressing themselves. How dare you tell them that a display of their beautiful femininity is wrong?”

Is your head ready to explode yet? Wait for it…

MALE RESPONSE #3 – “Umm…you’re right? I like their boobs?”

FEMALE RESPONSE #3 – “Pig!”

Don’t try to make sense of it, men.  Just bow down to your female masters. The skirts have won and the sooner you admit it, the better.

All I know is back in my day, if a broad wanted to show you her chest rockets, you took the time to oggle them like a gentleman then thank her for her trouble.

What kind of a world do we live in now when women feel like they must now preemptively insult via middle finger people who don’t like their boob displays?

“Yup. Here are our boobs and if you don’t like it, here’s the bird.”

I swear. Sometime when I wasn’t looking the Commies won and turned this country topsy turvy.

Anyway, those are my latest complaints, 3.5 readers. If there’s something that really frosts your ass, feel free to complain about it in the comments.

Or better yet, get a job.

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Apr 18 2016
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Twitter

BQB’s Celebrity Twitter Followers

Thus far, the list includes:

  • Taye Diggs…though that guy follows everyone.
  • Zack Ward aka the guy who Scott Farkus in A Christmas Story

And although those are both very fine follows, check this out:

Yup – Chris Hardwick’s (host of Talking Dead) mom.  Hooray for celebrity moms!

But you know, 3.5 readers. You don’t have to be a celebrity or a celebrity’s mother to follow me.  Just head on over to Twitter and follow @bookshelfbattle

I’m always tweeting something nerdy over there.

 

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Apr 17 2016
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Ask the Alien

Alien Jones Checks In

Greetings Earth Losers.

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The Esteemed Brainy One plays Candy Crush on his Space Phone

The Esteemed Brainy One here, blogging from Kemphos 91, where an uprising has occurred due to a lack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Yes, that’s right. You’d be surprised in the vastness of space, that such seemingly trivial things are capable of generating interplanetary conflicts but here we are.

Keep in mind that the Kemphans require a constant supply of peanuts or else they break out into spontaneous song and dance numbers, which sounds like fun, but then they do it for days until finally their heads explode.

I’ve seen it happen. It isn’t pretty. It’s like being front row at a Gallagher performance.

Kemphos 1-90 really needs to fork over some of their peanut reserves to 91 but until then, I have to do my best to keep the peace.

Apologies for not writing more this year, Earth losers, but I just haven’t had the time. Disorder has been breaking out all over the cosmos this year. It’s very unsavory.

In the meantime, please assist me with my mission to launch BQB’s writing career. The sooner BQB is an established writer, the sooner the Mighty Potentate will get off my back.

Did I say get off my back? I meant to say until the Mighty Potenate can be pleased by another one of his genius plans coming to fruition.

All hail the Mighty Potentate.

Here’s where you can find Bookshelf Q. Battler on the inter webs.

LIKE BQB ON FACEBOOK

FOLLOW BQB ON TWITTER 

PUT BQB IN YOUR GOOGLE PLUS CIRCLES, BECAUSE YES, GOOGLE PLUS IS STILL A THING. I KNOW, RIGHT? WHO KNEW?

AND READ BQB’S STORIES ON WATTPAD – HE IS @bookshelfbattle

Humans, I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but your likes and follows will help keep the Mighty Potentate’s plans to conquer the Earth at bay.

Technically, I’m not allowed to criticize the Mighty Potentate, but let’s just say that he literally solves all political problems by vaporizing his opponents.

Not exactly a boon for democracy, but it does make for fun prime time debate viewing.

Thank you 3.5 Earth losers.  I’ll be back sometime this summer to answer your questions, so keep them coming.

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Apr 01 2016
2 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Damn Reality TV Star

shutterstock_267550688 And now from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Reality Television Star!

10.  Cameras follow her around wherever she goes, despite the fact that she never does anything relevant or newsworthy whatsoever.

9.  Meanwhile, producers follow you around wherever you go, demanding that you engage your girlfriend in obviously contrived dramatic interactions.  Tell her you have a disease that you don’t really have.  Tell her that her sister is dying when she doesn’t even have a sister.  Tell her a mutual friend that doesn’t exist was just hit by a bus. Just tell her something that sounds totally awful to keep the viewers from changing the channel.

8. That teeny weeny dog living in her purse gets more kisses from her than you do.

7.  When she does kiss you she leaves so much glitter on you that you end up looking like Tinkerbell took a dump on your face.

6.  You’ve grown accustomed to words like “lurve,” “totes” and “bae.”  At least when you’re down, you can always count on a “I totes lurve u 4-eva bae” text.  (If she isn’t busy at da club.)

5.  She drinks enough to drop a Clydesdale, yet somehow manages to looks good in the morning…er, well…in the afternoon…after twenty-five assistants fix and readjust everything.

4.  She has her own fragrance, vodka, fashion line and music album.  Yet somehow, her head will explode if you ask her to read The Cat in the Hat.

3.  You broke the news to her that your doctor thinks you need a colonoscopy.  She wants to know if she can live tweet the whole experience and put the camera feed on periscope.

2.  People are constantly searching the inter webs for nude photos of her.  Stop selling nude photos of her, you pervert.

  1. She argues with you using hashtags:

YOU:  Hi babe.  Sorry I’m late.

HER: #tookyoulongenough!

YOU:  I couldn’t help it.  Traffic was a nightmare.

HER: #tellsomeonewhocares

YOU:  Aww.  Don’t be like that.

HER: #worstboyfriendever!

HONORABLE MENTION:

We would have also accepted:

  • Owns more leopard printed clothing than Tarzan.
  • Ironically, wears less of said clothing, or any clothing really, than Tarzan.
  • Owns enough shoes to outfit a gaggle of centipedes.
  • Selfies.  So many selfies.
  • Tries to look hot with a duck faced selfie.  Ends up looking like Daisy Duck suffering through a yeast infection.
  • She gets a manicure.  It’s a show.  She gets a pedicure.  It’s a show.  She goes shopping. It’s a show.  She stands on one foot and bounces up and down?  It’s a two hour special.
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Mar 26 2016
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Social Media

Have You Liked BQB on Facebook Yet?

Hey 3.5 Blog Readers.

Do you want to be one of 3.5 Facebook Readers?

3.5 READERS: YES WE DO!

Of course you do.  Like me on Facebook!

Look, I’m not one of those Good Time Charlie Hustle types that’s going to sling a fast sell at you.  I can’t promise you that following me on Facebook will make you handsome, or beautiful, or rich, or famous, or get you a record contract, or a bag of diamonds, or your own personal island, or a date with a supermodel or an art collection full of Van Gogh paintings.

When it comes down to it, I can’t even promise you that following me on Facebook will get you an extra chicken nugget at McDonald’s, or a better pair of sneakers and if you have a lousy personality, following me probably won’t improve it or make you interesting at parties or anything.

But…you’ll get a dose of BQB in your Facebook Feed to brighten up your day.  What could be better than that?

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Mar 19 2016
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Movies

BQB Live Tweets Pee Wee’s Big Holiday

3.5 READERS: BQB, you are a giant nerd for live tweeting Pee Wee’s Big Holiday!

BQB: I know you are but what am I?  Ha ha!  Argh!

(If you’re on the twitter-mo-bob, follow @bookshelfbattle then get on Netflix and join in.)

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Mar 13 2016
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Technology

Slate Article – Parents Punishing Kids by Shaming them on Social Media

Yeesh.  Since we’re all techno nerds around here, I, from time to time post articles about technology and I came across this one by Amanda Hess of Slate.

Hess starts with the case of Izabel Laxamana, a girl who sent a selfie to a boy from school.  Her father’s punishment was to cut off Izabel’s hair and took a video asking her if it was worth it.

According to the article, the video made the rounds on social media, the school got involved. Izabel later jumped off a bridge.  (It isn’t totally clear this made her do that but it couldn’t have helped either)

Yikes.  And I thought Uncle Hardass was tough.

Hess goes on to talk about public shaming being an ancient thing.  Schools no longer make kids wear “dunce caps” and teachers don’t beat kids with “the rod” anymore.

For a long time, parents would dole out whatever punishment they deemed necessary, but they’d do it within the confines of their home.

Now, as Hess explains, there seems to be a new trend for parents to punish their kids via online humiliation, taking an embarrassing video – maybe making the kid confess or in one case Hess discusses, a father made his son dance around in skinny jeans and posted a video online (apparently Dad wasn’t a fan of the skinny jeans).

Sigh.  It seems no matter what the technology is, there will always be people who abuse it.

I’m not saying let kids get away with everything but holy crap, whatever happened to a good lecture and some grounding?

Things put on the Internet last forever…FOREVER.  Sure, maybe you’re a dumb parent and you think you’re helping your kid by shaming them out of bad behavior by posting an online video.

But keep in mind that video follows the kid everywhere.  His/Her friends will eventually see it.  Shit, ten years later a potential employer might find it through a Google search, decide not to hire your adult kid and he/she is now stuck living on your couch forever.

Maybe the millennials have it worse than we thought.  Every day their dumb parents are posting pictures and videos of them online that will definitely keep many of them out of a presidential bid.

Shit.  Right now there could be a kid who could have grown up to become the president that solves all our problems and unites us all but it’ll never happen because I don’t know, his dumb parents posted a picture of him picking his nose or whatever.

Anyway.  It’s just some food for thought.  Social media can be a great tool, giving voice to people who otherwise would have remained voiceless.

The downside is…there are a lot of people using it to do dumb things.

Parents…as mad as your kids will make you, and they surely will from time to time, “social media shaming” (holy crap there’s a term for it) is not the way to go.

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Mar 12 2016
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Blogging

Two Year Anniversary Stats

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Gratuitous Bookshelf Q. Battledog Photo

 

In two years of bloggery, I have made 1,240 posts and received:

37,577 views

20,698 visitors

Is this good?  I don’t know.  If there’s some expert out there, please tell me.

The highest number of views I received in a day came on February 9, 2015.  I think that was largely because someone was nice enough to put something I wrote on Reddit.  I had just announced the one post a day for a year challenge too so I think that made people somewhat curious.

In general, if I get between 30-50 hits a day it is a pretty average day.  It is nice when there are more views than hits.  I feel like that means people like what they see and want to keep looking around.

This has definitely been a labor of love.  I truly wish this technology had existed when I was 20 and had the ability to stay up two days straight writing term papers cranked up on Red Bull (shit, come to think of it, that could explain a lot of my problems now.)

But it is here now and I like it because every day brings at least one new follower and I hope all of these little drops in the bucket lead to a nice full bucket some day.

(A nice full bucket of people who will buy the book I can’t seem to finish.  What?  Did I say that?  No.  I do it for the art.  Money schmoney.)

If you haven’t done so yet, please follow me on:

Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

Google Plus

Wattpad – @bookshelfbattle

And don’t forget to LIKE me on Facebook

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  Please keep it up and help a nerd’s dream come true.

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Feb 03 2016
1 Comment
oscarssopretty

#OscarsSoPretty

Friends, just a reminder that the Oscars are too pretty.  We need more ugly actors in Hollywood.

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Jan 30 2016
8 Comments
oscarssopretty

#OscarsSoPretty – Snubbed Actor – Geoffrey Arend

Hey 3.5 readers.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with continuing coverage of my one man campaign to get the Academy to welcome more ugly people into the fold.

I’ve been tweeting my support for various ugly actors who I feel have been passed over for Oscar consideration just because of their looks.  I’m not sure they appreciate it.  They probably think I’m calling them ugly like its a bad thing.  There’s nothing wrong with being ugly.  Embrace how God made you, I say.

Anyway, I had a brief Twitter conversation with Geoffrey Arend.

WHO?!

Yeah, when I started thinking of less than handsome thespians to tweet my support for, “That nerdy guy who is married to Christina Hendricks” came to mind but I couldn’t recall his name, even though he’s starred in a lot of stuff and you’d totally recognize him if you saw him.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not knocking the guy in any way whatsoever.  He’s been my hero forever on account of the fact that, let me repeat, a) even though he’s a nerd b) he married Christina Hendricks.

Christina Hendricks played super 1960’s hottie Joan on Mad Men for those readers who aren’t hip to the TV scene.

So, let me be clear, no one should take what Geoffrey says below as support for the #OscarsSoPretty movement, which to date, only really consists of me.  I don’t want to put words in the guy’s mouth or anything.

He’s a cool dude who was a good sport and traded funny, snarky comments with me.  Since this is a blog for nerds, I wanted to ask his advice on how nerds can romance and marry super hot chicks, but I figured that would probably be pressing my luck.

But all you lonely nerds out there, cheer up, for it is possible.  Just look to Geoffrey Arend for hope and inspiration.

Much appreciated, Mr. Arend.  Readers, you might remember this actor from Devil or Garden State. Currently, you can see him as Matt Mahoney on CBS’ Madam Secretary.

Personally, my favorite role of his was as that stoned kid who ate all the shrooms in Super Troopers.

 

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